Here is a letter written by a fellow Pinoy gay man who fell in love with a straight guy. I took the liberty of posting it here because he actually shared it in a public forum — and as I was reading it (woooh, pretty long!) I felt the heart, his heart, speaking through. You may say he’s the typical gay drama queen, but scratch the surface and you will find a sincere person, simply saying: I am a human being, with a heart that can fall in love, REALLY fall in love. The heart does not know man, woman, lesbian, or gay. Love consumes, regardless.
Hear Read his story, and no judgements needed. No matter how painful life can be, I realize it’s such a great thing. I hope you too can find a little bit more courage, a little bit more joy, a little bit more celebration on who you truly are.
Lovelots,
Migs
Dear RT,
Hi, I hope your first day in your new job goes well. I’m sure you’ll blow them away with your talent and your work ethics. You’ll be fine, and very successful. That I am sure of. Anyway, I just read your email. I totally understand why you have that feeling and I think Iowe you some answers. The text I sent you isn’t even half of the emotional turmoil I have been going through. But that text message wasn’t intended to make you feel bad. It was just something I had to get off my chest, because if I don’t, I’m gonna explode sooner or later.
I admit that I was the one who distanced myself from you after I revealed my feelings for you in Boracay. As I said, I did not plan on falling in love with you. In fact, I didn’t even think I was capable of that, until it hit me – - and it hit me hard. I really don’t know why I fell for you. Your handsome, that’s a given, but a lot of guys are and I didn’t fall in love with them so I guess that’s not it.
I think it all started with the night you asked me to accompany you to that Sony event in ANTHRO bar. That dance place, remember? (Yes, that event with the sexy host wearing half a mini skirt, and the hordes of hip-hop jologs.) Anyway, that night, I connected with you in a way I have never connected with any other guy before. (I say “I” ’cause I know now that it was just me.) I even came out to you and told you my life story even though we still weren’t that close. And the way you took it was more than great. You were such a gentleman. I guess it was my first time to be exposed to guys like you. Kind-hearted, intelligent, articulate, open-minded, compassionate, funny, masculine while being in touch with your feminine side –- basically I saw a really great man who I thought never existed.
After that, things happened so fast I didn’t even realize it before it was too late. I tried fighting it, because I know that you’re straight and that you had Maita. I kept telling myself, “JC. wala kang laban d’yan! Unang-una wala kang pek-pek. Pangalawa, Maita’s such a lovely girl. Lost cause ‘yan. Awat na.” But what good did it do me? It’s been two years and I still feel the same way for you. (Please don’t freak out.)
And the reason why I have been the asshole that I am is because up to now I am still fighting it. I have all the right reasons to stop being in love with you. That talk we had in Boracay was suppose to be a closure for me. I wanted to move on so badly, and if I didn’t tell you then, there will always be that “what -might-have-been” question. Hard and risky as it was, I told you. Again, you took it like a real gentleman and I will always cherish you for that.
I know I told you that I hope nothing changes after my revelation to you and you assured me that nothing would. Honestly, I felt you did change after Boracay. I noticed that you treated me differently from the rest of your guy or girl friends. But then again, I’m no ordinary “guy” or “girl”. But after I read your letter, I guess you really didn’t treat me differently. It was just me.
Before I would always visit you at your desk to make kwento. I would playfully ruffle or rub your head. I’d give you back rubs when I saw you were tired. Or I simple wanted to make you laugh. But after Boracay, I couldn’t do that anymore. First, because I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Second, I didn’t want you to think that I was taking advantage of your kindness or making you “manyak”. I think I just got too conscious.
Looking back, I know I said I wished nothing will change between us after I told you, but deep inside I think I wanted things to change. I guess I wanted more attention from you, I wanted to have a stronger friendship with you. Since I know you will never love me the way I love you, then friendship is the next best thing. I wanted you to confide in me, ask for my help when you needed it, I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on or punch if needed, I wanted to drink with you when you felt shitty and needed a dose of alcohol, I wanted to cry with you when you felt REALLY shitty, I wanted to celebrate with you when something came up that was worth celebrating, and I wanted to have front row seats to the movie of your life. I wanted to be there for you. I would have given anything for you. (I still would.) I wanted to show you in every way I can, how much you mean to me. At the very least, in a platonic level. But It didn’t happen. But I saw other people connecting and building strong relationships with you, and frankly I envied them. I wanted the same thing for me. So I got frustrated, and hurt.
I tried being ok with it, but every time I saw you, I was reminded of the thing I can’t have. So I tried a different tactic. I distanced myself from you. I figured that, if I did, it will lessen the pain. It didn’t. So I tried to re-connect with you – - in Teak during Penn’s despedida out of all places.
When I heard you were leaving, I felt really bad. The past month, I was preparing myself for your departure that’s why I wasn’t hanging out with you as often as I should have. Because I knew I am gonna miss you. Call it self preservation. But I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to do something special for you before you left, thus the despedida party.
Anyway as I said in my text, we really didn’t get to talk. But I guess this is better since I am able to say everything I want to say. RT, I’m sorry if you got offended with the “chest pain” thing. First of all, that didn’t come from me. That came form the guys. I wrote it in the text in reference to our despedida party teasing. But I guess, the guys did capture what I felt.
I said you caused me chest pains because you are the unrequited love of my life. As you know, just as it can cause so much happiness, love can also cause so much pain. I say this matter-of-factly. I’m not trying to make you fee bad. I know you don’t intend to hurt me, but you just have to be true to yourself. And I respect and admire you for that. But it hurts, nonetheless. And nothing you and I can say or do will change that. Hopefully in time, it will be better.
I also said that you made me realize that I am not the lovable person I wanted to believe I was. It’s true, I’m not saying that you caused it, I am just saying I realized it because of you. I guess it’s just my insecurity speaking. Maybe I refuse to let go of that slightest glimmer of hope, that if I am that better person I want to be, then you would see beyond the sexuality and realize that it’s the connection of souls that matter. That sexuality is just incidental. And that one day you will learn to love me at least a slightest fraction of the way I love you. But that’s just the idealist in me.
I don’t expect anything from you RT. I guess for a time I did, but not anymore. I’m slowly dealing with this and hopefully, in time, I’ll be able to move on. Maybe this distance between us will help. I am also sorry for putting you through this, Any other man would have freaked out and stayed away from me, or worse they would have beaten the shit out of me (or at least try because I can also put up a fight if needed, Marvz and Nic are training me as of the moment).
Now that everything’s out in the open, I hope it’s all clear to you. I feel bad for making you feel bad. That was the last thing I wanted to happen when I sent that text. I do hope that I’ll finally get over this. And hopefully in the future, I’ll find someone who will love me the way I love him.
One thing’s for sure though, I will always remain your friend. I hope you know that. You can count on me for anything and I will always be there for you. I know you are going through a rough time right now and I am so sorry for being inconsiderate of your situation. I guess, we’re both going through our own love problems as of the moment. But I know things will work out for you. And when that happens, just give me a call and we can celebrate together.
But in the meantime, we will have to deal with all these love shit. It’s ironic how people keep falling in and out of love when it can be such a pain in the chest (chest pains, gets?). I guess it’s because, while love does last, it feels fucking great!
Here’s to the next chapter in our lives. And when you need me to make a guest appearance, just give me a holler. Good luck and have a great one RT.
- JC
Looking for Mr. Perfect but found Mr. Perfect-but-not-perfect-for-me-because- he’s -straight.
P.S. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears when I hugged you, the night of your despedida. Thanks for hugging me back.
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