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Falling in Love with A Straight Guy
Entry Feed TrackbackHere is a letter written by a fellow Pinoy gay man who fell in love with a straight guy. I took the liberty of posting it here because he actually shared it in a public forum — and as I was reading it (woooh, pretty long!) I felt the heart, his heart, speaking through. You may say he’s the typical gay drama queen, but scratch the surface and you will find a sincere person, simply saying: I am a human being, with a heart that can fall in love, REALLY fall in love. The heart does not know man, woman, lesbian, or gay. Love consumes, regardless.
Hear Read his story, and no judgements needed. No matter how painful life can be, I realize it’s such a great thing. I hope you too can find a little bit more courage, a little bit more joy, a little bit more celebration on who you truly are.
Lovelots,
Migs
Dear RT,
Hi, I hope your first day in your new job goes well. I’m sure you’ll blow them away with your talent and your work ethics. You’ll be fine, and very successful. That I am sure of. Anyway, I just read your email. I totally understand why you have that feeling and I think Iowe you some answers. The text I sent you isn’t even half of the emotional turmoil I have been going through. But that text message wasn’t intended to make you feel bad. It was just something I had to get off my chest, because if I don’t, I’m gonna explode sooner or later.
I admit that I was the one who distanced myself from you after I revealed my feelings for you in Boracay. As I said, I did not plan on falling in love with you. In fact, I didn’t even think I was capable of that, until it hit me – - and it hit me hard. I really don’t know why I fell for you. Your handsome, that’s a given, but a lot of guys are and I didn’t fall in love with them so I guess that’s not it.
I think it all started with the night you asked me to accompany you to that Sony event in ANTHRO bar. That dance place, remember? (Yes, that event with the sexy host wearing half a mini skirt, and the hordes of hip-hop jologs.) Anyway, that night, I connected with you in a way I have never connected with any other guy before. (I say “I” ’cause I know now that it was just me.) I even came out to you and told you my life story even though we still weren’t that close. And the way you took it was more than great. You were such a gentleman. I guess it was my first time to be exposed to guys like you. Kind-hearted, intelligent, articulate, open-minded, compassionate, funny, masculine while being in touch with your feminine side –- basically I saw a really great man who I thought never existed.
After that, things happened so fast I didn’t even realize it before it was too late. I tried fighting it, because I know that you’re straight and that you had Maita. I kept telling myself, “JC. wala kang laban d’yan! Unang-una wala kang pek-pek. Pangalawa, Maita’s such a lovely girl. Lost cause ‘yan. Awat na.” But what good did it do me? It’s been two years and I still feel the same way for you. (Please don’t freak out.)
And the reason why I have been the asshole that I am is because up to now I am still fighting it. I have all the right reasons to stop being in love with you. That talk we had in Boracay was suppose to be a closure for me. I wanted to move on so badly, and if I didn’t tell you then, there will always be that “what -might-have-been” question. Hard and risky as it was, I told you. Again, you took it like a real gentleman and I will always cherish you for that.
I know I told you that I hope nothing changes after my revelation to you and you assured me that nothing would. Honestly, I felt you did change after Boracay. I noticed that you treated me differently from the rest of your guy or girl friends. But then again, I’m no ordinary “guy” or “girl”. But after I read your letter, I guess you really didn’t treat me differently. It was just me.
Before I would always visit you at your desk to make kwento. I would playfully ruffle or rub your head. I’d give you back rubs when I saw you were tired. Or I simple wanted to make you laugh. But after Boracay, I couldn’t do that anymore. First, because I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Second, I didn’t want you to think that I was taking advantage of your kindness or making you “manyak”. I think I just got too conscious.
Looking back, I know I said I wished nothing will change between us after I told you, but deep inside I think I wanted things to change. I guess I wanted more attention from you, I wanted to have a stronger friendship with you. Since I know you will never love me the way I love you, then friendship is the next best thing. I wanted you to confide in me, ask for my help when you needed it, I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on or punch if needed, I wanted to drink with you when you felt shitty and needed a dose of alcohol, I wanted to cry with you when you felt REALLY shitty, I wanted to celebrate with you when something came up that was worth celebrating, and I wanted to have front row seats to the movie of your life. I wanted to be there for you. I would have given anything for you. (I still would.) I wanted to show you in every way I can, how much you mean to me. At the very least, in a platonic level. But It didn’t happen. But I saw other people connecting and building strong relationships with you, and frankly I envied them. I wanted the same thing for me. So I got frustrated, and hurt.
I tried being ok with it, but every time I saw you, I was reminded of the thing I can’t have. So I tried a different tactic. I distanced myself from you. I figured that, if I did, it will lessen the pain. It didn’t. So I tried to re-connect with you – - in Teak during Penn’s despedida out of all places.
When I heard you were leaving, I felt really bad. The past month, I was preparing myself for your departure that’s why I wasn’t hanging out with you as often as I should have. Because I knew I am gonna miss you. Call it self preservation. But I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to do something special for you before you left, thus the despedida party.
Anyway as I said in my text, we really didn’t get to talk. But I guess this is better since I am able to say everything I want to say. RT, I’m sorry if you got offended with the “chest pain” thing. First of all, that didn’t come from me. That came form the guys. I wrote it in the text in reference to our despedida party teasing. But I guess, the guys did capture what I felt.
I said you caused me chest pains because you are the unrequited love of my life. As you know, just as it can cause so much happiness, love can also cause so much pain. I say this matter-of-factly. I’m not trying to make you fee bad. I know you don’t intend to hurt me, but you just have to be true to yourself. And I respect and admire you for that. But it hurts, nonetheless. And nothing you and I can say or do will change that. Hopefully in time, it will be better.
I also said that you made me realize that I am not the lovable person I wanted to believe I was. It’s true, I’m not saying that you caused it, I am just saying I realized it because of you. I guess it’s just my insecurity speaking. Maybe I refuse to let go of that slightest glimmer of hope, that if I am that better person I want to be, then you would see beyond the sexuality and realize that it’s the connection of souls that matter. That sexuality is just incidental. And that one day you will learn to love me at least a slightest fraction of the way I love you. But that’s just the idealist in me.
I don’t expect anything from you RT. I guess for a time I did, but not anymore. I’m slowly dealing with this and hopefully, in time, I’ll be able to move on. Maybe this distance between us will help. I am also sorry for putting you through this, Any other man would have freaked out and stayed away from me, or worse they would have beaten the shit out of me (or at least try because I can also put up a fight if needed, Marvz and Nic are training me as of the moment).
Now that everything’s out in the open, I hope it’s all clear to you. I feel bad for making you feel bad. That was the last thing I wanted to happen when I sent that text. I do hope that I’ll finally get over this. And hopefully in the future, I’ll find someone who will love me the way I love him.
One thing’s for sure though, I will always remain your friend. I hope you know that. You can count on me for anything and I will always be there for you. I know you are going through a rough time right now and I am so sorry for being inconsiderate of your situation. I guess, we’re both going through our own love problems as of the moment. But I know things will work out for you. And when that happens, just give me a call and we can celebrate together.
But in the meantime, we will have to deal with all these love shit. It’s ironic how people keep falling in and out of love when it can be such a pain in the chest (chest pains, gets?). I guess it’s because, while love does last, it feels fucking great!
Here’s to the next chapter in our lives. And when you need me to make a guest appearance, just give me a holler. Good luck and have a great one RT.
- JC
Looking for Mr. Perfect but found Mr. Perfect-but-not-perfect-for-me-because- he’s -straight.
P.S. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears when I hugged you, the night of your despedida. Thanks for hugging me back.
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My gosh, this is sooo ME twenty years ago! And 18 years ago! And 15 years ago! And… gosh, I lost count.
mcvie at Sep 20, 06 at 10:42 am
hahaha! nahahalata ang age natin, joel!
manila gay guy at Sep 20, 06 at 11:46 am
40 and pround of it! (Cuz people say I look younger than my age, hahaha!)
mcvie at Sep 20, 06 at 12:09 pm
i agree! (sana ako rin when i get 40!) hmmm… any beauty secrets to share?
manila gay guy at Sep 20, 06 at 1:40 pm
Lots and lots of protein! Chika!
Seriously, I can only tell you my theories as to why I don’t look 40:
[1] Oilyness is nest to ugliness. But oilyness actually is the reason why my skin looks younger. Just manage it well… and have facial wipes on-hand.
[2] I’m always in touch with the college kids. Exposure to the young makes me youthful.
[3] Laugh. At the world, at oneself. Don’t take things–especially yourself–too seriously.
[4] Jack off. (Ok, I’m kidding here.)
mcvie at Sep 20, 06 at 7:18 pm
master mcvie! you got my interest with your tip#2! hook me up with your hunky college kids! ngayon pa lang kinikilig na ako! hihihihi!
*choz!*
manila gay guy at Sep 20, 06 at 7:47 pm
have taken the liberty of reposting this in my blog with proper attribution of source. thanks.
gari at Sep 23, 06 at 12:05 am
go ahead gari… no problemo… thanks for the link love… migs
manila gay guy at Sep 23, 06 at 8:21 am
nice story though its heart breaking. pero tlagang ganyan ang love eh
Richard at Sep 25, 06 at 9:30 am
yes richard… ako meron ding similar experience, pero i’ll tell story the next time na lang
manila gay guy at Sep 25, 06 at 11:23 am
well, poor you… you’re not the first to have such a problem nor the last… just keep on fighting, try moving on, make yourself busy… i know it’s hard but it’s for your own good…
it’ll just drive you insane thinking about “the what if’s”, but it’s equally dangerous to be a cynic…
continue being human
let your heart beat
let your mind think
let tears flow
for
it’s the only way
that your
heart
will
ever
get
tired…
and…
maybe…
give up.
sean at Oct 3, 06 at 4:53 am
i can relate…. sa straight guy na yan tell him this:
“Napapagud din ang puso.”
hehehehe
i love ur blog. Too bad just discovered it recently. Kepp on writing sensible blogs.
Bryz at Oct 15, 06 at 3:39 pm
at least you have confessed your true feelings for him… unlike other guys there they’re still hiding what they really felt for that person. im just wishing that you will find the right person for you…..
eds at Oct 25, 06 at 3:10 pm
wow.
lex at Dec 5, 06 at 4:22 am
WOW!!!!…. This shit just brought me to tears, Due to the fact that I`m love with my stright best friend. Who will be married to the most awesome girl in the world. And while I`m very happy he found someone to love him as much as I do, And be happy with. I drink myself to comas trying not to feel like it should be me. I`m very proud of being gay, But I`m truly starting to wish I was straight, Or maybe just dead!!…..
BooG715 at Dec 18, 06 at 2:57 pm
oh my God!! this is so me and my straight friend….i’m in tears reading this article…it just hit me straight into my heart…geez!!! Chest pains, i guess?
johnny at Jan 23, 07 at 3:23 pm
Hello!
LovWaiting for that someone who has the magic to make me fall in love again…
**************************************** *******************
Sometimes we close our eyes
and just listen to the echoes of our hearts.
We all fall in love
and there are times when we love so much
that we lose ourselves in our own emotions.
More often than not
we wonder why there are love that grows
and love that grows cold.
We would start to search for answers
and try to find where love has gone wrong.
But in the end we find ourselves, where we started
for we cannot question love when it has its own reasons.
Love will always be as it always has been ….
silent, mysterious and deeply profound.
Many of us believe that love is forever,
that love never dies,
only to be disillusioned in the end
when we find our hands empty,
and our hearts longing.
We mistakenly have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled.
But love is only a gift given to us.
We should not hold it in our hands
for we may never find the strength to let it go
when it decides to leave.
We should only embrace its warmth and glow while it last
and then freely open our arms
when its time to say good bye.
When we fall in love with someone,
we don’t want that feeling to end
for it is everything we are,
everything that we wanted to be.
We pray that love will stay and grow in our hearts.
But, if it doesn’t
then we should never let our lives be taken by it,
for life should not end where heartaches begin.
There is always a reason why we have to move on.
When we have to say goodbye
to the feelings we wanted to stay forever,
let us not wave our hands with a heavy heart.
Love will have to set its wings free
and find the place where it belongs.
We may have lost it
but then again,
when we close our eyes
and listen to the echoes of our hearts,
we hear it resounding silently forever.
Then we’ll know that it has never left us,
for the good that we have become because of love will always stay.
Its always been there reminding us
that we should be thankful and happy,
Not because we have lost love,
but because, for once in our lives,
that feeling lived in our hearts and make us happy
e him in a distance and sooner or later you’ll be laughing and smiling. Here’s an article that I found somewhere.
Hey, guys I did not wrote this…I just forget where and who wrote this. I really wanted to give proper credits and acknowlegement to the writer.
Little Fish at Jan 23, 07 at 4:28 pm
My gosh kilala ko yung nagsulat nyang letter na yan! JC happens to be one of the active members of an LGBT friendship group here in the country…and I definitely knew his story.
I EVEN MET THE GUY HE’S REFERRING TO!!!
Para sa iyo JC…love is a life-long learning process. So just enjoy the journey.
Meister at Mar 30, 07 at 11:07 pm
hmm… reading the story, . . . . going through a very similar episode right now, i mean even helped the guy with getting his girlfriend. Unknowing that this “backfire” could be so strong on myself~ unexpected ouch.
Seriously aches. . . truely.
aghhh
DADA at May 11, 07 at 10:30 pm
Being nostalgic reading this one… I can’t help but this one is a tear jerker…
Pravilno at Aug 10, 07 at 2:30 pm
experiencing the same thing right now. nothing really defies us kahit masaktan na tayo basta mapasaya lang natin sila.
ljblogger at Aug 13, 07 at 1:36 am
hayyy. sad…
sdelacroix at Aug 24, 07 at 9:47 am
unrequitted love will always be a hurtful one…..
doms at Aug 26, 07 at 5:32 pm
I am also in love with one of my best friends… he is really a great guy and knows I love him and accepts it and lets me tell him how I feel and we talk so honestly that I wonder sometimes what he really thinks. he says he loves me as a friend but how many “straight” guys can let his gay best friend tell them that he loves them on several occasions and still talk so honestly and openly? I love him and I am confused… I totally feel for you
Josh at Jan 19, 08 at 7:12 pm
Do you know the legend of the thorn birds? These birds search throughout their lifetime for a perfect thorn and when they do find it, they dive into it and in their last breath, they do sing the sweetest song. Gays, men, and women are like the thorn birds. We do search for somebody to love and when we find him, we savor the moment of bliss and happiness for in the end, love is sweet and at the same time painful. And so, the eternal question again for all of us., “is it better to have loved and lost or to have not loved at all?”
Ric at Feb 26, 08 at 6:21 pm
i kept on regretting for i guess i was the last person who have read ur blog. i pity on you jc and so do the others in here.. i personally have experienced being rejected by a straight guy too and that thing almost killed myself. bottomline is that we have to be strong and keep on fighting the damn pain. worry not, u can find the perfect guy for you.. who knows, you can find it over here in MGG
another tip that i can give to you is self-control on your emotion esp towards the boys. a straight guy rarely understands what we really feel for them.. it’s like 9 out 10 guys would try to love someone like us.. anyhow, im pretty sure that ur completely over him by now 
happy new yr JC
-yrrah potter of bukidnon
yrrah potter at Jan 1, 09 at 10:08 pm
was re-reading this blog, it happened to me twice. Th first time i didnt know what to do. the second time, i thought i did, but still… i was able to move on though. what helped me were friends and (i dont want to sound freaking preachy here) prayer. there was a moment there when i connected most with God and it helped me.
jonathan at Jan 24, 09 at 10:03 pm
This was written like less than 3 years ago but it felt like new because i’m in the exact same scenario. I’m contemplating on telling my feelings to my colleague and best friend. I don’t know how he’s gonna react. I’ve had restless nights for months now. I’ve expressed some of my disappointments to him due to his insensitivity on certain occasions, but every time i get personal, i get so paranoid how he’s gonna react after. I tend to analyze his every move and interpret them negatively. Even if i tell him and he doesn’t change, what’s next? I don’t know which way to go really. Sometimes i think of quitting and just find another job. But letting him go hurts me so much. Sigh… Many times i’ve wished that i was straight.
(
bvlgari at Mar 1, 09 at 9:20 pm
Im in this situation right now.
ALready told him how I felt towards him, but still he said we can only be friends.
Even if he already said that, I still keep on seeing him, go out for drinks, gimiks…
but deep down inside, theres a part of me that says its time to avoid dahil walang mangyayari sa relationship na to. Tried deleting his number and photos on my phone….pero binalik ko rin after a few wks…I regretted saving it back in my phone…
sana makapagmove on na rin ako….
ejuanir at Mar 29, 09 at 6:48 am
This letter reminded me exactly my feeling…and made me cry…..the guys who fall in love with straight guy…are just mad…like me. but really this letter is amazing…
Amit at Jul 11, 09 at 5:53 am
i think he’s hurting and everything else, etc. etc. because he didn’t get to sleep with him…plain and simple…
nate at Aug 11, 09 at 11:40 am
I thought I was the only one in the world who experienced this. Its good to know I’m not the only one. The crazy things we do for the person we love who cant love us back.,,almost quit my job…had to accept an overseas assignment and still trying so hard to move on.
I dont know when this heartbreak will end, but I know it will. We all need to live thru this just to see how our own story ends….
Dins at Aug 19, 09 at 1:17 am
Bless his heart. He went through so much. And yet there never is a solution that ends well for both parties. So much hurt. Why does it have to be this way? Is there anyway we can change this?
What a beautiful quote. Thank you for it.
Tom Pengelly at Sep 11, 09 at 1:24 am
Advise lang: Wala pa sa history ng mundo ang successful straight-gay relationships…so ienjoy lang talaga ang company and friendship and the sex as a bonus…pero dapat along the way alam natin na someday eh lilipad din sila at pupunta sa tamang disposisyon nila sa buhay: SA BABAE…masakit man ang katotohanan pero ganun ang lundo ng buhay..What is important is you have the moment to be with that person…seize the moment and celebrate it while it lasts…KAYA GO FABUENAS GO!!!! Magmahalan tayo=)
ganda lang at Oct 6, 09 at 2:10 am
until now paulit ulit kong binabalikan tong letter na to. haha. ngayon lng ako nag comment di ba. sana kaya kong sabihin ng ganito ka-klaro yung nararamdaman ko… i’m in love with a straight guy right now. and it hurts big time.
i like this part..
“I guess I wanted more attention from you, I wanted to have a stronger friendship with you. Since I know you will never love me the way I love you, then friendship is the next best thing. I wanted you to confide in me, ask for my help when you needed it, I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on or punch if needed, I wanted to drink with you when you felt shitty and needed a dose of alcohol, I wanted to cry with you when you felt REALLY shitty, I wanted to celebrate with you when something came up that was worth celebrating, and I wanted to have front row seats to the movie of your life. I wanted to be there for you. I would have given anything for you. (I still would.) I wanted to show you in every way I can, how much you mean to me. At the very least, in a platonic level. But It didn’t happen. But I saw other people connecting and building strong relationships with you, and frankly I envied them. I wanted the same thing for me. So I got frustrated, and hurt.”
ganitong ganito yung gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. haha. kaso pag ginawa ko yun mawawala yung “konti” na meron sa ming dalawa. aray tlaga. haaaay.
september falsetto at Nov 9, 09 at 9:07 pm
oh my god!!!!
That was me!!!
jayr at Feb 26, 10 at 1:00 pm
Very seldom I comment on subjects here at MGG. But I really can relate on the topic and to those who commented because this happened to me twice already. The first was was around 2 years ago to a barkada where we work in the same company. We were so close and we hang out all the time dahil pinagkakatiwalaan niya talaga ako at hingahan ng sama ng loob. It’s really hard to tell him how I feel for him, until one day he asked me to download song to his hard disk, that gave me a chance to compose a letter to tell how I feel so he can read it. Though he became aware of how I feel about him, he still became nice to me. Until he resigned and we lost communication dahil ‘yung work place namin eh nasa ibang bansa because we were working in a cruise ship. Currently, I met a straight a 27 year old guy November 2009, who works in an international firm in Global City, couple of weeks of friendship, I never thought that he would allow me into his heart. We go out together, go to beach overnight, watch movie, even I sleep in his house. Mag-isa lang siya sa house dahil sa may kanya-kanya na silang pamilya magkakapatid. Two hours would not be enough for us the phone. The trouble of having straight BF, he cannot do what PLUs can do to a guy in bed, hahaha. Anyway, at the end of the day, masarap na may nag-a-Iove you sa iyo sa phone at nagsasabing,”I miss you dad, where can I see again?,”Can we go out this weekend”. Hay, kakaloka talaga pag puso na ang tumibok, hahamakin lahat masunod ka lamang.
Cruiser Dude at Feb 26, 10 at 4:10 pm
This is me. Now.
Thanks for being a kind friend to me, Chinz. I will miss you so much. Hope we do keep in touch.
reimikazuki at Mar 13, 10 at 6:29 pm