Here’s another true-to-life story I read in a forum. So heart-wrenching. Another gay man falling in love with a straight guy. The thing with this story is, the straight guy apparently loved the gay man back. Thanks to Bucky23 (in the pic above) for the story.
Way back in college, ka-group ko siya sa subject namin na Systems Analysis and Design. Yes I do admit that I’m attracted to him since he’s the one of the lesser few sa school na drop-dead gorgeous. We were four in the group na all-male, ako ang leader, I do the technical stuff as in magbaklas ng PC, mag-construct ng software, basta halos lahat ng technical ako gumagawa. Siya naman, tinuturuan ko. Lahat ng alam ko itinuturo ko sa kanya. During that time, wala akong inaaksayang panahon sa pag-aaral ng bagong technology because I hated my ex-girlfriend so much dahil pinalaglag niya anak namin, parang deviation ko ang pag-aaral that time. Siya naman nun, meron girlfriend, after a year they broke up. Sobrang bait nitong guy na sinasabi ko, madalas noon walang wala ako siya sumasagot ng lahat kahit pati pamasahe ko. Sinasabi ko nga “diyahe naman pare pati pamasahe ko sagot mo pa”. He just replies back with a smile at sinasabi “ok lang yan.” We seldom talk talaga. Tahimik kasi kami pareho.
I didn’t notice that time passes by so quickly na isang taon na rin pala kami magkakilala, parati kami magkasama sa lahat ng lakad sa school, madalas kami uminom at mag-videoke with the other two sa group kapag may overnight sa bahay nila. Kilala na ako ng pamilya niya, at yung nanay niya gusto talaga ako kasi nga daw naiiwas sa masamang bisyo ang anak niya. He even liked me more kapag kumakanta ako…honestly, yes I do sing well, kaya siguro nagustuhan niya ako mahilig kasi siya sa mga songs eh, nasabi ko na nagustuhan niya because while I’m singing, he looks straight at me in the eyes — hindi man lang kumukurap.
Yung isa ko namang bestfriend na straight, began to notice na close kami nitong sinasabi ko. Nagduda pa sya na may relasyon kami, one time kasi nagkasakit ako, dinalhan niya ako ng donuts. I remember pa dati, I bought coke na malamig eh madalas ako magkasakit sa tonsils, pinalitan niya ng hindi malamig…nagtabi pala siya sa bag niya. Sobrang sweet niya kaya unti unti nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya.. it was different…God I swear the feeling was so different…like there are butterflies in your stomach. Still I can’t entertain the fact that I’m falling in love with a guy…
One night, sa overnight namin, kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama..nagkatamaran, uminom, nag-videoke, nagkalasingan. Shared the same bed. mga 3am na yata we both woke up na magkaharap pala kami facing each other’s faces at nakayakap pala ako sa kanya. Sh!t talaga, that was my most memorable night, it was so embarassing yet so exciting. I tried to kiss him, he resisted a little pero dumating rin sa punto na gumaganti na rin siya. We kissed till the morning light. After this incident, nasundan pa ng maraming beses, at may aktwal na sexual activity which I will not mention here because I thnk that would be too much sana maintindihan ng iba dito.
So nanatili ang “sekreto” namin for 3 years, hindi namin pinagusapan na kami or whatever…just enjoyed every moment that were together. we never exchanged “I love you”s neither. Until one day her gf got pregnant and he has to take responsibility by marrying the girl. The night before his wedding, he called me up, inuman daw, sabi ko okay pupunta ako. But I never went to him para makipaginuman. So he called me sa cell, and it was the most disastrous phone conversation I ever had. I said “You have wife and kids, i don’t want to meddle with your family affairs, just let us be like this na lang. I’ll be ok dont worry about me.” He asked “Paano tayo?” And I answered back “Wala namang ‘tayo’ eh. Wala tayong pinag-usapang ganyan. Malinaw na dapat magkanya-kanya na tayo.” Dun nag-end ang usapan namin. Ang ikli lang ng paguusap namin pero parang ang tagal….i can’t describe it guys…i was so torn apart pero hnd tumulo ang luha ko kahit isang patak. During his wedding I was lying on the floor and keep on cursing him and myself, while punching the glass door sa opisina namin (stay in ako noon sa opisina kasi may kuwarto ako sarili dun eh). I dont know how much tears I’ve spent for him because of rage, despair, frustration, pati panghihinayang na kaya pa namin ituloy kung tutuusin…pero ayoko lang because of my pride, because I’M A MAN because of fear! I quit school after this incident, for eight months, I was single, and focused on work. I am extremely devastated, I felt betrayed by my own self, i felt like a hypocrite.
So you can understand siguro if I cry over some movie like Brokeback Mountain. One of my bi friends find it silly kasi ng sinabi ko sa kanya na umiyak ako because of that movie. One thing that hurted me most sa movie kasi is, until the very end..they never got the chance to say “I love you”…
(Story and photo by Bucky23)
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