Once upon a time, when I was still calling myself bi, bi-curious, straight-tripper, confused, curious, and many more labels that just meant I was a man interested in other men, I spent literally loads of money to explore. I call it the cost of curiosity — curiosity in the gay context.
There was this one time when I was in Shanghai, on one of those business trips where my company sent me to manage some regional projects. I was billeted in Shangri-La Hotel in the Pudong-side of the bustling city, and on one weekend when I was not doing anything, I decided to chat via Yahoo. I “met” this one guy in the chatroom who I thought was of the same kind as me — bi, bi-curious, straight-tripper,… etc. In short we hit it off pretty well to the point that I had the urge to call him using my cell phone on international roaming. We talked, and did something else too, for more than an hour, maybe even 2 – so imagine my surprise, fast forward several days after, in Manila, when I saw my cellphone bill! It was 2 months worth of my salary!
Looking back, yes it did cost me a lot of money just to give in to my repressed urges then – I being curious-slash-confused-slash-bi-slash whatever – but thinking it through a bit more deeply, maybe there’s something to learn here.
Maybe the cost was not so much the loads of money I spent, but the cost of missing the happiness of being myself, of not enjoying the things I would have experienced had I been more free to express myself. Indeed the cliche time is gold applies here. We cannot bring time back. Opportunities, however, are worth much more than gold. Missed opportunities can also mean missed experiences that would have brought much more happiness in one’s life. This may be the cost, the bigger cost, of curiosity.
But all is not lost, as we can indeed learn from the past, and possibly multiply its value by sharing it with others. I hope you too can pick a lesson in this little piece.
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