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I received this email today:

Hi I’m Mark, and im married. Been in this marriage for nearly 2 yrs. i know myself and i know what i want. however what holds me back is that im afraid and dont want to hurt my wife whom i adore so much. She gave me everything..her trust..her name..her happiness..and for me to call it quits would definitely be devastating..i cant afford to hurt her that much..i love her.. i maybe horny all the time but after i get off all seem to go back where it should be.. i dont know but words coming from you will probably help me in anyway..thank you in advance..cheers

– o –

Dear Mark,

If indeed you know what you want then great — happiness is in the journey towards the achievement of your goals. You are one lucky guy: you have a wife who loves and trusts you, and you say you adore her so much. The convergence of this and what you say as “what you want” is the crux of the matter. I sense that instead of a convergence, though, you have a divergence.

If that is the case then another level of knowing the self is called for. This is a more difficult issue. The quick and clean solution is to go gay, and temporarily suffer the consequences of a failed marriage, then move on. But I believe it is not the only solution. I would dare say, try your best to save the marriage, and see if you can really go straight all the way. This can be very difficult because it is a life-long battle, but I believe it is not impossible. I know of gays who went exactly this direction and have been pretty successful.

Lovingly yours,
Migs

– o –

Dear readers, maybe you can comment in your thoughts too?

Comments (26)

  1. marcuz21 said on 10-08-2011

    totoo na masakit tangapin ang katotohan, pero mas masakit tangapin na ang tiwala na binigay sau ng wife mo eh ikaw mismo ang sumisira, its unfair para sa asawa mo, specially sa anak mo,, i’l been in the situation na nag karoon ako ng boyfriend na married man, I love so much, nagign close ko ang asawa nya, but then i realize na its a big mistake to be in love in a peron who is already committed. Dahil naramdaman ko kung ano ang naRAmdaman ng asawa na ne meron kaming affair.. LOVE and LUST,, yan mismo ang sisira sa relasyon nyong mag asawa.. be fair enough sa kanya,, isa kang malaking PANTAL, ang kati kati mo.. Oo.. tao lang tayo, nagkakamali, nagkakamali sa isang pagmamahal, pero hangang saan?? hangang kelan ka magtatago?? Mark, tigilan mo na yan.. LIBOG lang yan,, meron pang alternatives na pwede mong gawin, hindi ang makipag relasyon sa same sex. hindi ang makipag sex, sure madami ang magtataas ng kanilang mga kilay dahil sa comment ko na to, kung commited ka na sa isang tao, specially kung kasal ka na, maging stick to 1 ka,, masisira ang pamilya dahil lang dito. sana maging PATAS ka para sa asawa mo, OK sana kung SINGLE ka kuya,. BAKLA na nga tayo, nagbabaklaan pa,,. un lang..

    PEACE;

    KEEPSAFE

    –marcuz21

  2. NONO said on 11-12-2010

    Mga BAKLA take note post #24. Iv’e said it before and I’m going to say it again, the very basic foundation of marriage is honesty and trust the absence of one your marriage is nothing it’s fucked up. What more you drag an innocent person in your pretty mess up life just because you are afraid what your friends, families, etc will say you will hurt them. But what about the one whom you married aren’t you hurting her too and your offspring . I don’t buy that you love your wife at all when your brains run haywire for another guy. It is selfish destructive and vulgar and then we cry foul when straight people don’t like us or despise us. Think mga bading, think…!!!! It is a despicable practice.

  3. Kitchie said on 06-02-2009

    I am the wife of someone like you, mark… my husb came out to me coz nahuli ko sya thru txt, emails and found out that he’s seeing other men. it’s not the best situation to be in. i stayed with him. but til now, i don’t know why i am still with him. all that i know is i’m not ready to give him up, to give up on us. i don’t know if i can ever trust him again. but it’s a risk i have to take. it’s been two years since i found out about it. we’re still married, still together. but the pain, i don’t think it will ever go away. so think about it…place yourself in your wife’s position. and like what carl said, you wouldnt wish this to happen to your daughter, or to anyone you know…sa totoo lang, medyo galit na ko sa mga bakla ngayon. esp those who are in the closet. coz they end up messing up more than those who are in the open…

  4. carl said on 15-11-2008

    majority of the comments here saddens me, everything seems to circle around personal happiness… most paid attention to the difficulty of mark’s situation, but what about his wife? mark if you’re reading this, you’re a schmuck!!! How dare you!!! it’s not just your decision to make!!! give voice to your wife!!! have some balls, be a man!!! it’s not a sin to be gay and marry a woman, but it is to fool not only yourself but your wife, she not only deserves your love, but your honesty as well!!! if she found out and accepts you for what you are, including your actions, then goooood for you! but at least respect her, let her decide as to what can make her happy!!! if you really love her, come out clean about who you are!!! If you have a daughter, would you want her to marry or be in a relationship with someone like you? yeah, I thought so too…

  5. carl said on 15-11-2008

    I really can’t take married guys or those who are in a committed relationship, straight, bi or gay, to still play around!!! Gosh!!! One thing I can never tolerate!!! Infedelity!!! I’d hate to be in a love triangle, whether as the third party, the one torn between two lovers, or the unknowing victim!!! For the third party, have some self respect guys! You can do better than that. Have some empathy for the other person, remember the golden rule! You wouldn’t want to know that you share your love with someone else would you? To the one being unfaithful, grow a conscience! If you’re satisfying your lust, knowing that you’re hurting your loved one’s feelings, shame on you for being so self-centered!!! There’s nothing sexy about a cheater, a liar, and a self-serving individual!!! Remember, karma’s just around the corner!!! And to the victims of these selfish individuals, soon as you learn about your partner’s infidelity, move on and move forward, as far away as you can from that person! Yeah, easier said than done, especially if you really love the bastard!!! But if you allow yourself to be the victim in this situation, then you’re as guilty as the criminal!!! Hard as it may seem, don’t believe them if they say that they love you, that’s a lie, they just need you to satisfy their ego, they don’t love you, cause if they do, they wouldn’t hurt you. No one has the right to disrespect you like that!!! Remember, they don’t deserve to be happy, but you do.

  6. kz said on 15-11-2008

    ohh…i do understand your situation friend..but all we have to consider sometimes ANG PAGIGING TAMA NOT ALL THE TIME ANG PAGIGING MASAYA…AT ANG WALA TAYO MASASAKTANG IBA..MASAYA BA TAYO NA NAKAKASAKIT NG KAPWA…????but were all in the same page..i guess!!!!

  7. bm06 said on 28-08-2008

    Hi Migs,
    I myself have the same situation with Mark and Gabby, ang hirap talagang itago. I choose to work abroad atleast medyo malayo sa mapanuring tingin ng mga tao sa paligid. I love my wife and son so much, kaya nga takot ako umamin ng totoong ako. First priority ko pa rin sila. honestly I had my relationship before with another married guy, Were both happy being together, but we both decided to end up our relationship kasi alam namin na di tama kahit masakit, malayo na kame sa isat isa. As of now im alone here in abroad. Thank you very much to MGG.

  8. Gabby said on 09-06-2008

    i know this comment is really late…

    but i just want to know… have you ever been into commitment with another guy since the time you were married?

    i wonder how is it going now? hope you are still with your wife. coz like you, i am married, just recently married, i know i fooled my wife but what hurts so much is that I HURT MYSELF MORE. I’ve been in a relationship nung bago palang kami kinasal ng wife ko. unexpected lahat. kwentuhan lang naman kami palagi ni XXX, kulitan, then it came to a point na medyo nagiging seryoso kami sa isa’t isa. then we finally exclusively dating and promised ourselves to be exclusively for each other… (yun nga lang di applicable sakin kasi may asawa ako)

    now mark, my point here is. its already a fact na may asawa na tayo at kasal tayo, so what we can do now, to satisfy yung other side natin is to be really careful about this. and always prioritize our family.

    reach me gabby_0913@yahoo.com

  9. Yellow shirt shredded said on 08-03-2007

    I hope that Mark finds the friends he needs to vent out the problems he faces. But though we don’t touch base on this, I still say, if you have sex with a guy. Or even feel anything remotely like love, don’t lead the guy on. Or yourself.

    Its just too easy to fall into the trap of it being just a fling. A one time thing yadayadayada.

    Don’t forget, other men might feel just as betrayed as you think your wife would feel. I think, we’re just as human and valid too.

  10. georgena_oz said on 22-02-2007

    The issues of this married people knowing lately that they fall for same sex is really difficult. On the first place, it was a hypocrisy on the first place why you marry when you know deep inside na bakla ka. Being gay is not actualized by the environment. It is not purely psychological. It is an inborn feeling. Bata pa lang you already know that you are special that you are gay. Marrying is onle a facade to our personality. It is not the answer to our problem. In fact it worsens thing because once you decide to come out from the closet, marami ng tao ang masasaktan in the process. Children, the wife and the relatives will be affected. Too many shattered dreams and lives just because of our denial.
    I may sound harsh but I only came out when I was 20 years old and for 20 years of my life I was in self denial that I had so many girlfriends. It was a learning process but the learning was achieved in a hard way.
    I hope that this helped a lot sa sitwasyon mo.
    Just be honest with yourself and nothing can go wrong. Weigh your options. Contrast advantages from disadvantages of coming into the open and you will realize that life is beautiful…..despite of….

  11. mark said on 15-01-2007

    hi dusk..hope all is well..thanks mate i really appreciate what you wrote down for me..hope youll touchbase..be safe mate..

  12. dusk said on 01-01-2007

    i say don’t come out. like hustlingmind i’m also married but technically i don’t consider myself gay (yet) cause i haven’t had sex with another man. what i know is i’m attracted to men. and whenever i feel horny i just masturbate and thats it. avoid having a relationship with other men. reserve your intimate moments to your wife. with determination you can do it.
    i want to ask mig if it is possible if he can survey his bloggers how many of them (us) are married?

  13. mark said on 28-12-2006

    thanks all for your comments,..really appreciate them..

  14. mark said on 28-12-2006

    hi migs! hope all is well.i just read your reply with regard to my email about my predicament. i really appreciate you for taking the time to read and more so give me a unbiased reflections.i certainly needed that and it did really help me to realized some things about myself.i thank you for having me in your corner and i just wish you the best of everything..may it be personal or professional..you didnt know how much you impact a lot of people with your columns here..kep it up..love you migs..

    by the way ive read some of the comments from some of the viewers here..ill singled out the one from ” hustlingmind”..it feels good to have someone with me on the same page..

    Migs..would it be possible to have his email add.?.i know its something that is quite personal..i just want him to be my friend not for anything else but just mere friend..i do hope youll reply…if you have time pls send it to me at snakebites88@yahoo.com

    again my appreciation for the kinds words and may God continue to bless you and your family….

    mark

  15. br0wn_c0w said on 26-12-2006

    I’m not sure I’m in a position to give an advice but there’s so many married and closeted gay guys. Which is really sad. Andami kong nakasex na married gay guys this year, and they’re even proud of the fact that they are married. Sigh.

  16. myyellowshirt said on 20-12-2006

    Bakit ganun?

    I think that if its the sex that gets you then it has its place.

    Gay people either go out or come out.

    If you’re closetted, then that’s that.

    The question is, what if you find a guy who loves you back?

    It might seem corny, but what if he does see you for what you are and he falls for you.

    What of that love?

    first come first served?

    Shucks.

    though I am not about to preach how you should reach out and uhm, touch someone, then just don’t lead on a guy that its more than just sex, and you should have to face the consequences when she finds out who’ve you’ve been.

    been a querida enough times to know,

    its not good

    Suggest watching sex lies and videotape

  17. hustlingmind said on 18-12-2006

    Like you Mark, I am also married. Mahirap lang sa umpisa, but you’ll be fine. Ang mahalaga, alam mo kung ano ang problema at tinatanggap mo. As long as maingat ka na wag masaktan ang asawa mo, okay lang yun. Life is like that. Me mga bagay tayong ginagawa na hindi natin kontrolado not because we dont have a choice kundi talagang gusto nating gawin. Sino ba sa atin ang ayaw ng self-satisfaction. Una sa lahat sarili muna. Wag kang bumigay kung yan ang gusto mo. yan ka eh. yan ang totoong ikaw gaya ng kung gaano katotoo yung mga open talaga. kanya-kanyang style yan. Goodluck. Tandaan mo lang, kahit na nakakandong na sa iyo, wag na wag kang aamin. that’s the golden rule. hehehe!

  18. peterpic said on 15-12-2006

    i heard this in a movie once. a girl discovered that his boyfriend had a sexual history with another man. (before their relationship) and decided to split up. the guy just said that being bisexual (or maybe gay) is not an excuse to be polygamous. you enter a relationship with a desire for it to be exclusive and eternal regardless of your partner’s gender.

    maybe you should ask yourself if you truly love your wife still. maybe that’s why there’s less of a motivation for you to stay within the bounds of your marriage. regardless of your real sexual preference, you should practice a sense of responsibility for the commitment you have made. that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through it. you just have to handle things responsibly.

    or maybe you should also ask yourself if your level of discipline and strength of character is mature enough. like the bisexual man in the movie said, sexual preference doesn’t give you the excuse to go fucking around. whatever you do now, make the commitment and stand by it. if you don’t, even going gay won’t keep you from going astray. (di ba mga bading?)

    personally, i am staunch in my belief that honesty to self should always be a big consideration. but beyond merely acceptance and pride are core human values like commitment, dedication. neither are mutually exclusive. but whether you decide to stick to your guns or to correct a discovered mistake, you have to always commit yourself to it.

    • On'd'Edge said on 16-01-2009

      I completely agree with u peterpic….

      ” sexual preference doesn’t give you the excuse to go fucking around. whatever you do now, make the commitment and stand by it. if you don’t, even going gay won’t keep you from going astray”

      If the guy is bisexual then it’s not realy about sexual preference but a question of being commited to one person. It’s up to oneself, which social mores you want to follow and will lead you to greater hapiness and fulfillment. It’s either you choose between being loyal to your wife & kids with the longing for a male sexual relation that will never be fullfilled or have a commited relationship with a man without normal biological children but lacks the approval of society. To practice sexualy indiscriminate polygamy is worse because it not only defies religious teachings & moral standards but also, it will hurt more people in the process.

      To Mark

      I hope you choose to do what you think is right and make the best out of it.

      Good journey!

  19. Schizo said on 15-12-2006

    I don’t care what other gays would say, but I soooo agree with your message to Mark.

    Bravo Migs!

  20. euges said on 15-12-2006

    Whatever makes you happy go for it. Just make sure nobody gets hurt.
    Di kailangan magtago. Marami babae makakaintindi sa puso ng kapuso
    We all have one life to live.
    Be happy.

  21. raffy said on 14-12-2006

    Happiness is a choice, You have gotten married for a reason and if that makes you happy keep it and be faithful to that marriage. You have said it yourself that once you get off from that period of being horny everythings back to where it should be, the only issue i see here is if you are becoming unfaithful to satisfy yourself. If that already happens i think that you owe it to your wife to be honest but if you can assure yourself that you can go faithful all the way and just get off that period of being honry without being unfaithful and not hurting your wife then save the marriage. I also know of a lot of married guys who kept their marriage and lived a happy life. It is a difficult journey but who says that life isn’t. Everyday of our life is a struggle. You have the choice to either make it or break it.

  22. banjo said on 14-12-2006

    Let yourself and your wife grow accordingly. Do not imprison yourselves into the bondage of “fear of hurting her”.The more fear you have, the more pain it will cause in the end….Just be yourself and life will go on smoothly. Good luck!!!!

  23. banjo said on 14-12-2006

    dear Mark ,
    Obviously, we all have different dreams and ideas we want to create for our lives.Who you have, what you own, what you eat, who you know, where you go, are not the true measures of true happiness. Happiness is the opportuhity to continually grow emotionally,socially, spiritually, physiologically and intellectually while contributing in some positive ways to others.
    You said you know yourself well and you love your wife fully BUT you are not happy because your sexual identity keeps on haunting you. Somewhere between your lines I could sense that there is no congruency at all:
    Number one, if you love your wife then set her free .
    Number two, if your wife loves you, there will be no reason for her not to comprehend what you feel and accept your real identity.

  24. tonskie said on 14-12-2006

    the last word should not be image… it should have been marriage.

    sorry migs.. 😛

  25. tonskie said on 14-12-2006

    I strongly suggest that you go gay. What’s important is that you should be true to yourself and stop hurting your wife’s feelings with such lie. Remember, it may hurt a lot when you spill the beans, but if you continuously lie and be untrue to her, and not opening up with the real you, later on a lot of ugly things will show up, mean rumors and ugly hearsays will bring your marriage to trouble. If you could withstand these consequences, and still maintain your image as a straight person then go, still, there are things that meant to happen. There may come a time that you will have difficulties of making things up and you are only making it worse. Yes, I acknowledge that you love your wife, but what’s important is being true to yourself. I also acknowledge what Migs said, that a lot of gays are successful making it way to being straight, but it is after they confess to their spouses what they really are. In view of the modern times, if you manage to spill the beans to her, and she accepted you of who you are, then what I suggest is that you engage yourself in an open relationship with each other if she’s open to it. I am much sure that in that way, you have all the freedom to do all what you want to do, provided that you just properly set the records straight that you are to engage yourself with protection. You know what I mean. Well, this is just a suggestion, it’s not necessary to follow it, but it’s a good suggestion anyway. This could even save your image.

    Trully,
    Tonskie

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