Manila Gay Guy
  • facebook

Chinito, an MGG reader, sent this letter, and is asking for an intelligent opinion regarding his situation. Can you help me give him some advice?

* * *

Hey Migs, how’s life?

I’m one of the avid readers of your posts, I really love your articles although I still haven’t tried your podcasts because I don’t know how to.

By the way, the reason why I’m writing this mail is because I’d just like to seek for an intelligent opinion or perhaps an advice on my predicament.

I used to be a proud gay, although I’m not the type who would cross dress or hang out in gay spots, It has become a way of life for me, I don’t get mad when my friends call me bakla or when they tease me with other guys. I’m not really effeminate but I m soft spoken and I dress sophisticatedly and my fingers are always “mapilantik”. I dig Top Model, Mariah Carey and moreno guys, but lately something weird is happening to me.

I m recently with a company based in Manila where I got to make new friends with my co-workers who are mostly guys with no hidden agendas. During the short time I worked with them, it has been fine but no one of them really knew about my sexuality, except for some of my female and gay co-workers who find me queer. My guy friends on the other hand, have no clue about who I really am, because I have this strange desire to act straight, and be one of the boys. I tried to project an image of a rockista, no more Mimi, instead I now listen to the music of Incubus, Chili Peppers and many others. I even disabled my downelink and guys4men accounts. My friendster profile now breathes of masculinity and I deleted all the cute guys I added before. And I m sorry to say this Migs, but I don’t read most of your posts anymore specially the ones with hunky celebrities. Before I used to talk about my celebrity crushes or homosexual escapades with my gay friends, but now live shows featuring women and Pinay hot sites were just some of the topics me and my straight friends monger. During conversations with my guy friends and the GAY topic arises, I just go ahead and talk with them, sometimes even making fun of other gays, simply put pretending that I’m not guilty although deep inside, I really am wishing that we change the topic. Even though I try my best to straighten myself and toughen up, I guess the truth will always come out, I feel that my guy friends have started to feel that I’m not really straight, specially when my female co-workers are cracking jokes or when it seems that they are more comfortable with me than with the other guys. You know what Migs, I even thought of talking to my friends and asking them a favor from them to not treat and call me bakla anymore, I know it’s kind of weird and my friends might not do it but I think it could help me project a manlier, but not necessarily a macho image.

There was one time when me and my co-workers had a drinking session and one of my guy friends is raising queries that could lead to asking me if I m gay or not. I really don’t know how to answer the question “Are you gay?” or something like that. It’s very easy to say YES but I believe that it can affect my friendships especially with the guys, and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t know exactly why, maybe because I m embarking a new path, a straight path perhaps, but one thing’s for sure – I’m not falling for any one of them. On the other hand, if I answer NO, they might believe me, but it’s a very small world, and it won’t take long before my past would catch up with me and they would find out the truth. I m not seeing myself having a relationship or casual sex with a guy in the near future but not with a girl either, although I m quite curious on how it feels to be in a heterosexual relationship. I just want to feel guilt-free but still respected and loved for whatever decision or declaration I make. I thought I really know who I am and what I want, but I guess that’s not really the case.

What do you think Migs? Could I be straight or will I be gay (discreetly or not)? If you were in my shoes, how would you feel and what would you do?

Thanks for your time spent reading my poorly constructed letter, I m looking forward to a response from you. God bless and more power!

– Chinito

Comments (50)

  1. natural said on 12-03-2010

    advice: LUMANDI KA GAGA!
    HUMAYO KA AT HUMADA!

    TANDAAN ANG KASABIHANG ITO: SA NGALAN NG LANGIT AT LUPA, ILOG AT SAPA. SA PUWET MO ITO TATAMA!

    hahahaha =))

  2. lionking said on 13-12-2009

    I just love this site’s blog. Why? Because I’m always discovering comments that could really make me lough out loud. But they’re funny in a sincere way. If anyone has the patience to pore over these bits, it could prove to be rewarding.
    But, hey, Chinito, whatever happened to your saga? Any current news from you? Were you successful in your ‘undertaking’ -to be a straight guy? C’mon, show us some signs. Otherwise this thread would just be banished into oblivion and your detractors would be triumphantly wagging their fingers saying: “I thought so!”

  3. dfilboy said on 01-07-2009

    ahw.. another mimi fan!! lol basta kung sa tingin mo jan ka mas bubuti, e d jan ka. pero isa lang masasabi ko, magpakatoo ka lang, at kung sino yung mga didikit sayo, it might be tanggap nila kung ano ka. lahat naman siguro tayo gusto maging hetero ano., pro minsan, may mga bagay tlagang mahirap pilitin. mahirap kasing mabuhay sa pagkukunwari, lalo na kapag may inhibitions sa kilos. hindi mo tlaga maexpress yung nasaloob mo.. basta.. go lamb!! ill be cheerin’ for ya!! mwah!!

  4. Coldcares said on 02-05-2009

    Dear Chinito,

    I remember reading one of Arnel Ignacio’s write ups saying ” Genuineness should never be masked behind sexuality for what is good will always be good”

    I’m out. I am closer to girl friends but I also have guy and gay friends. I might not exactly feel how you feel but I kind of empathize with you. Yours is a different situation but I also had the same struggle when I punished myself trying to fit in with my church friends. I felt like telling the whole world to stop calling me “gay” coz i might be with my church friends at some time and then I would be really embarassed if I bump with old friends and they greet me ” hoy bakla!!!”…

    I dont have issues hanging out with my straight guy friends. I can get along really fine with them. I dont give any fuss if they think or feel different for me because I’m gay(although I know It sure makes a difference with how they treat me)but I think what is more important is that I am being myself regardless of whoever i go with.

    Im out but not even queer. I even hate to think that because my body secretes more estrogen( which makes me more attracted to guys, my own opinion, hehe) and that im more inclined to homosexuality I have to be labeled and prejudiced in a way that people think I can never be a good friend to straight males. I am just being myself and for the longest time now It sucks that the world wanted nothing but for me to fit in to its standards, which sucks.

    I may not understand the reason why you wanted to go straight and fit in with your straight buddies but you sure do have my respect( no questions). However I dont think that its healthy for you and your male friends that your friendship with each other hangs in a tie of a white deception( i know your intentions are good and that more importantly you are happy hanging out with them but you have to do a reality check).

    Are you only friends with them because you are straight(acting) or is it because you are a friend worth keeping and hanging out with?The talking-about-other-gays issue can be corrected in a subtle and responsible way but your friends should more importantly accept you for what you are( which is not just “bakla” but more importantly ” a good person”).

    Its good to feel good about your decisions in life based on what conforms to many but following that happiness you always knew will always lead you along the real pursuit of hapinness.

    You are a good person, you and your friends should accept that. Its not a question of whether you are straight or not…its how you are as a person in whole

  5. kin said on 22-03-2009

    how can i email my story, please…

  6. Anonymous said on 20-02-2009

    Dude, if you feel that way, go for it. Just like anyone will tell you to “come out of the closet”, I’d say go back if you choose. If you really want to, go for it. Maybe you might really find a woman you love.

  7. Ed said on 11-02-2009

    You wrote it yourself that your guy freinds are starting to ask leading questions if your gay or not. There you go…even these guys whom you think do not notice are actually noticing your being queer. So, why hide. Did they ever made you feel that if you would be true to yourself, they would dispise you? If this is so, your so to speak “sacrifices” are worthless.

    Try to answer this,why are you so interested to being friends with these straight guys so much so that you were willing to deny your being? Is it worth it? Is it giving you more happiness and satisfaction than complication? What is your honest to goodness intention of being with them and deny true self?

    If your answer to these would lead to more happiness for you, then go ahead continue denying true being. But if it’s giving you more complications, why go on?

    In my opinion, it it better to be true to oneself. You’ve been in the open already. Why do you even have to go back in the closet and complicate your life more?

  8. luis said on 19-10-2008

    I feel for you, man. I used to be barkada with straight guys and it really feels great just being with them.  But I just can’t keep my secret. Some of my friends doubt me for being one,gay, and I just can’t contain my self from pretending so I Just walk away and keep my distance. It’s safer that way. I don’t want them to know i’m gay.

  9. hallowqueen said on 30-11-2007

    Gayness does not define you.

  10. jex said on 13-11-2007

    im now also struggling for that kind of situation…. its just a matter of mind conditioning.. if u think ur gay then u wr gay…. but rooted kc yan s influence since u werew young wla naman kasing pinanganak na ganun ang preference kaya go for the struggle seek the right path .. Pray to God He will nevr fail you

  11. ram lee said on 21-10-2007

    hi chinito…i was in that situation before… god, it really gave me all the sweats i can imagine… but one thing i learned, it’s not bad if they’d know..actually, they were even drastically annoyed, and jealous,perhaps, and wanted to catch me publicly that i’m gay cause i’m that close to our girl-blockmates… but what the heck, in one of our english classes, i said that i’m bicurious and i have reasons that only i and some of the people inside the room know…
    certainly i gained their respect…
    but mind you, eventhough they already knew my true identity, they still treated me the way they’ve treated me before knowin…
    and when it comes to p.e. classes and communities, i showed them how manly i can still be…
    and they even applaud me on doing things that even machos can’t do-physically…
    i guess, just be true,besides, if they’re really ur friends, they’ll accept the reality…that is, if the are your friends…

  12. backstreet said on 02-09-2007

    hey guys. please provide a feedback on these web sites, they are US based but they are some testimonials and articles about leaving homosexuality and people that have successfully changed. thanks

  13. marvz said on 29-08-2007

    what a story…though mine was quite similar to you in some manners but i do have a lot of guy friends and they know my sexual preference and im so thankful for them for treating me one of the guys…….
    maybe u should try to explain to them of what you feel, maybe they can understand…
    i know what you feel speciallly i too work where mostly guys are at it(civil engg/construction) but no harm done they love for what i am…

  14. immanuel said on 20-08-2007

    …i hope you’ve finally found the answer to your question but then just a reminder, you cannot possibly unlearn things you’ve already learned doing… i mean, you can have heterosexual relationships but you will never unlearn your homosexual inclinations. as to your friends, what kind of friend do you have if you dont trust them, or they to you???
    just be you.

  15. Keanu's Boat said on 12-08-2007

    When they ask you again,
    answer like keanu’s answer.
    O diba pang hollywood.haha

    Keanu Reeves to Vanity Fair: “There’s nothing wrong with being gay, so to deny it is to make a judgement.”

    I think most of gays today are afraid of other people’s opinions. Like KEanu.
    Anyway its a good step. Act like a man, practice makes perfect. Maybe your not a real gay,maybe your just a bi. Who knows.

    Anyway again, watch out for the hormone capsules that can convert a gay to a straight man.

    Its scientifically possible because hormones conrol our mind and even ourappetite in sex. Remember, the hormones also are also the reason why some straight become gay.

  16. chuchu caracas said on 11-08-2007

    dear maggie,

    you cannot be not gay anymore, in the same way that a straight guy cannot turn gay. homosexuality is not like lego blocks that you can just undo. with due respect, if your formerly-open gay friend of yours insists that he’s happy not being gay anymore then he’s a hypocrite. unless of course he’s faking it from the start which is sick. just imagine all the effort, concentration and prayers he needs to make just to convince everybody else that he is what they expect him to be.

    to chinito

    you’ll never find real friends unless you become sincere to yourself first. you should not expect people to trust you when you yourself doubt your every action.

  17. maggie yu tan of chinatown said on 10-08-2007

    And about your friends, what is so hard telling them you’ve changed when you really have if you really have? They will understand you don’t worry!

  18. maggie yu tan of chinatown said on 10-08-2007

    Dear Chinito,

    Congratulations! I think you are rediscovering your masculinity. I know one openly gay who became straight and stayed straight and he now has a family of his own and most all he’s happy. And I’m pretty sure that all of you know of one straight guy who became gay eventually and stayed gay for good. People might argue that these gays are really gays from the start without knowing it. Who would really know that for sure?

    Anyway Chinito, if you wanna be straight and will be happy to stay that way then do it! If your guy friends ask you if you’re gay , tell them YOU’RE NOT GAY! You won’t be lying because you are not gay anymore, you used to be! Just ask yourself what is your motive for trying to be a real man now. Is it because it’s what you really feel you want to be? You can’t deny to yourself who you really are.

  19. krissss said on 10-08-2007

    Hi Mare Or Pere Bahhh…..

    mahirap mag tago ng tunay na pag katao and you know that…. when i was there in manila im totally close queer even some of my friends called me “BADUCH” but i dot have any reaction but i give then a wonderfull smile and makikipag asaran din ako ang hirap din lalo na pag puro lalake ang kasama mo sa work place mo minsan sumama sama pa ako sa kanila sa mga chip nigth club for the boys para lang mawala ang tanong sa kanilang sarili na bakla nga ako if they will take out the girl in the club kukuha rin ako but honestly inaaya ko lang kumain yung girl sa chowking at sinasabi ko na may asawa ako at gagamitin ko si misis mamaya…. then kakausapin ko sya na wag ipag sabi sa mga kaibigan ko na di ko sya ginalaw

    ang hirap diba but sabi nga nila di karin makakatiis sa sarili mo umalis ako dyn sa pinas para hanapin ang sarili ko now im here sa bansang may mas nanaunawa sa gay at equal ang tao dito ako ng out at lahat ng guys na ka work mate ko they knew about my real gender and naiintindihan nila ako dito at nirespeto alam ko naman dati kung inamin ko na lang din sa mga kaibigan ko na bakla ako for sure they will respect me s a gay pero huli na ang lahat

    as for you kung gusto mo mag ladlad sa kanila maas makakabuti sayo yan sabi na nila life is to short diba at kung ako man ang nasa kalagayan mo sasabihin ko na sakanila remember ka work mate mo lang sila di mo sila relative kung ayaw ka nila matanggap yun ay ang kitid ng utak nila and its they lost not you….. ikaw lang ang mahihirapan sa huli…..

  20. chester said on 10-08-2007

    veritas liberabit vos

  21. Fernando IX said on 10-08-2007

    Why should you let other people decide who you are?

    If those guys don’t acpept you for who you truly are, then forget them — they will never be your good friends.

    WHY TORTURE YOURSELF WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE GAY?

  22. chuchu caracas said on 10-08-2007

    imbernadette ka! feeling mo nagiging straight ka dahil napapaligiran ka ng straight pano kung mga tomboy kasama mo makikikain ka na rin ng pechay? you said you were proud to be gay but it doesn’t seem that way. believe me neng nararamdaman nila na bading ka ayaw ka lang nila tanungin. pinapahirapan mo lang sarili mo

  23. Nadriamez said on 10-08-2007

    RESPECT is always the key.

    I’ve had had the same experience now and I am going the same situation as yours. Be straight when needed, be gay when needed. It is quite hard, but in the office, some people think I’m just playing with my gay side to be with the girls. They look at it as a tool to dig into girls. Some of them think I am gay, overtly gay. And that’s fine, because whatever they think of me, I always make sure that they respect me all the time.

    Your close friends will surely understand you, don’t mind the others, let them say and think what they want.

    I had it both ways in the past, and right now, I decided to be just me. No strings attached (the reason why I have no present relationships with others). I feel fine anyway so, whatever you have now, just go on and search for more answers. Good luck!

  24. lands said on 10-08-2007

    u knw chinito, i believe that real friends should accept u for hu u r. But i also understand wer ur coming from about acting straight because of all the tag-calling and the stereotypes non-gay friendly hetero people have for gay persons.
    f ur sure of who u r or what’s ur preference already, it will still be up to you if you want ur friends to know it. Id say think of all the possibilities and prepare for the consequences of the action that you think u can take, whether to tell them that u r gay or to continue acting straight.
    Again what’s important is you know the possible consequences of any action that u can take and you be ready to confront them.
    sorry if this is quite long.
    I wish you the best chinito!
    *wink

  25. akoito said on 09-08-2007

    I think it could also be a question of acceptance.
    In your conversation with your straight friends how, how do they accept other people who are not straight. Do they mock them or they simply carry on a conversation to see your reaction? You could gauge it yourself. If you know you will be rejected when you tell them who you were, then decide which road to take. Then if in the coversation that it turns out they accept also people who are not straight, then go ahead tell them you WERE and now you are trying to be like one of them.

  26. neon said on 09-08-2007

    sabi nga ng isang softdrink commercial -> “MAGPAKATOTOO KA, SISTER.”. pareho tayo ng kaso chinito, mga ka-officemate ko straight silang lahat, kung anuman ang isipin nila sa akin – bading man o hindi nasa kanila na un. i respect them, the way they respect at me.

  27. closet case said on 09-08-2007

    in case you need some survival tips on being in the closet within the workplace, visit my site and look for an earlier post (april or may, i think)

    we are all entitled to explore the infinite possibilities of self. and if that means trying out the straight path, then do it. just take care that you do not bring the homophobia with it. that will be very, very sad.

  28. Little Fish said on 09-08-2007

    I remember…..
    A letter sender of MGG…..
    Confused and wanted to be heterosexual…
    Pumunta ng Bora, pagbalik galing Bora….
    Lalaki na siya!
    Chinito, punta ka ng Boracay…..
    Pagbalik mo…..lalaki ka na!

    o ‘di kaya…lalaki gusto mo!

    lolz…

  29. jullie said on 09-08-2007

    First of all i will not be a hyprocrite just to be with friends that dont accept me for who I am, unless they are not your real friends. Besides it is more fun to be with a group that you can showcase your true personality… Unless, you are fond of being closeted then go on being closeted because you know what really important is? Being your true self… That’s all!

  30. leo said on 09-08-2007

    Just try to re-direct your life. For all you know, if would turn out to be a bliss.

    Good luck and God bless.

  31. Takeru said on 09-08-2007

    Hi Chinito,

    I belong to a support group that helps people struggling with same-sex attraction (SSA). You can contact me at archangelseraph@yahoo.com if you are interested to find out.

    Thanks.

  32. Pravilno said on 09-08-2007

    To Chinito:

    “Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.”

    I still don’t get what does this phrase mean. Because of the fact that I have a very large variety of friends. I used to be a youth leader in our local church and with this background I have made lots of friends in different places and in different walks of life be it students, little children, out of school youths, youth prisoners, young professionals and others and I really get along with them as a friend… With this variety of friends how will I define myself?
    (QUESTION #1: WHO THE HELL REALLY AM I?)

    More often than not, people act out the way they are because of the people that surrounds them. We all wear masks. Even those people who say that they are not plastic and that they are “pranka” also wear masks (Please don’t get me wrong.) We have our masks on when we leave our safe zone. We wear masks to protect our most guarded emotions and thoughts. Now this may (or may not) be your case or maybe you are just being curious. Which of these can be only be verified by you and you alone.
    (QUESTION #2: SAAN NGA BA AKO MASAYA?)

    There is nothing wrong in exploring. I suggest to just go on with what you want right now and live your life. (Besides, life begins at 40, I think wala ka pa namang 40.) If you want to be straight right now then so be it. REMINDER, rule of the thumb, never put yourself into a situation that you can’t handle. In exploring your “straight life” you can’t leave your past just like throwing a tissue paper in the thrash bin. It will, as you said, catch up with you. SO DON’T LIE! You are who you are (Though sometimes we get confused. We are just humans anyway.) Never lie so that whatever your past may be, it won’t catch up with you.
    (QUESTION #3: WHICH ROAD WILL I TAKE?)
    (QUESTION #4: HOW WILL I WALK THE ROAD THAT I HAVE CHOSEN?)

    Based on the posted message (reference), I think that you will do fine kapag nasagot mo na ang mga tanong na dapat sagutin. I suggest that you cross out other people in your situation as of this moment because we are talking about you, yourself and not of others. Other people’s opinion of you doesn’t really matter (or does it?) as of this moment you know why? Simply because you are in a crossroad (YOUR CROSSROAD) and mind you not their crossroad.

    So there, I hope I have helped. I wish to convey more ideas but my work is calling for my attention now. It would be nice to hear a feedback. 🙂

  33. jholou said on 09-08-2007

    chinito d best way to solve ur problem is to read what u wrote gazilione tyms…

    and hoping ul realized these:

    dat ur fool enough to fool urself…
    dat ur making fun wid others n dat includes u…
    dat u tot dey wer laughing bcoz of ur joke u never know dat d punchline was u…

  34. tattoboy said on 09-08-2007

    Homosexuality is not something you can just turn off like the tap. Its either you were born gay or straight. I dont think you can ever go back in the closet again now that you have broken down the doors. In my personal experience all of my friends from High School are straight and i had to stay away from them for sometime until i was ready to come out to them. Right now im still considered as one of the boys but now hang out more with their wives. he he he

    Oh before i forget, to all “straight acting”,bisexual, closeted gay men , please do not make fun of other gay men when you’re trying to look straight.

  35. francis said on 09-08-2007

    OMG! how can u choose Incubus & Red Hot Chilli Peppers over Mariah Carey? that’s the biggest crime of them all..anyways, whatever you do, stay true to yourself & to your friends..technically, you cannot call them friends unless you’re 100% true them..

  36. fabfag said on 09-08-2007

    there are only 2 kinds of people in this world: the ones who hate you to your face, and the ones who hate you behind your back.

  37. desertfox27 said on 09-08-2007

    It’s somewhat an amusing situation. I myself an open gay but deep within my heart I want to be straight guy and have a family. Because I am very steadfast with the power of love, I even thinking of going to France and study my MBA and hopefully find the woman would love me as who I am!

    In situations like this, I always want it to answer in the context of religion or simply as a Christ-believer. Definitely, religion is a very intricate and sensitive topic and I am pretty sure we won’t arrive in the same conclusions.

    What you should do chinito? First and foremost, we should agree on the first and very important requisite. We should both believe that we are children of God and He won’t do anything to hurt us. Of course, everybody would agree here, that no parent has hurt their children for their detriment, it always for their own good. And so is God!

    Now, tell them the truth that you are gay, or used to be a gay and when you get acquainted to their company, in one way or another, you have experience a heterosexual sensuality and it is a new experience for you. And probably a great experience. You won’t know it would get back you as a real straight man. Less complicated!

    And once you did it, surrender it to God. Pray for the best to happen. If you are in doubt, go back to the first requisite. God loves you so much. He won’t fail you. Trust me.

  38. diego said on 08-08-2007

    it is almost a cliche now but it works. their acceptance of who you are is a true test of their friendship. i was scared when i came out to my straight friends. but it was well worth the effort because i know they are there for me and they did not reject me just because of my sexual preferences. we can only have a few friends in life. treasure those who comes. being honest with them is a good start…

  39. Dan Gabriel said on 08-08-2007

    here’s my two cents worth:
    i think you are looking for male-to-male bonding. not the sexual or romantic type. something purely platonic. you’re looking for that male-to-male connection, a brother of your choice for lack of a better term.

    you are gay if you identify yourself as someone who is attracted romantically/sexually to other males. i’m not sure if you are just curious or if you are attracted to women, but you might be bisexual. only you would know how you identify yourself.

    now as for being in the corporate closet. a lot of gay men hide their sexuality to protect themselves. you choose the people you come out to. now if you don’t think your male friends are worthy of knowing you’re gay, then i don’t think a real connection will endure among you.

    as for your female and gay friends who continue to tease you, ask them not to out you to other people without your consent and ask them to understand that you are not yet ready for everyone to know about your “secret”.

    i was actually in your shoes when i started working. now, i am lucky enough to have straight male friends who understand how out i am to the world and who are comfortable with it. at the end of it all, it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or if they’re straight, what matters is that the bond of friendship is strong.

  40. Jake said on 08-08-2007

    This response is from another thread in MGG. I found it appropriate for this topic:

    # harry Says:
    May 15th, 2007 at 11:06 am

    Homoserxuality is different from being gay! homesuality is a feeling and gay is a lifestyle, so its you who will decide if you want to live a gay life. MASARAP LANG ANG SEX HABANG GINAGAWA PERO PAGKATAPOS THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THE GUILT FEELING. Natural lang sa tao ang libog, pero there are ways to overcome and live a joyful and peaceful life. inner peace and happiness na hindi natin makukuha sa pakikipag sex sa kapwa lalake. Nilooko lang natin ang ating sarili. May malalim na pingamulan kung bakit ganito ang ating nararamdaman and we shouls search for that. Pwedeng lack of fathers attention, barkada, madami pang iba. yun ang ating hanapin, ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nalilibugan sa kapwa lalake at pag nalaman natin yun, we can deal with that and we can live a straight, peaceful, joyful and meaningful life.
    Di natin maitatangi na mayroon tayong ibang hinahanap sa lalake at nagiging outlet lang bnatin ang sex, lets search our emotion, lets search our soul, makikita natin ang tunay nating sarili…..

  41. dowel said on 08-08-2007

    i don’t know if your pretext is a pretext i employ too. i don’t want to sound precocious, but let me introduce myself first, then it’s up to you whether my suggetions make sense or not.
    1. Am I really gay? I see making love with a guy, but I don’t lust them to the point of making out with guys I do not know nor doing it with a guy friend.
    2. Can I be straight? No. Because up to now, I stand by my dictum of “For as long as you connect, then connect.”, a premise that is never gender sensitive.
    3. Do I deny such mantra? That mindset is my nemesis, a philosophy I can not repeal nor annul. I am masculine, because I think I am by nature. But if a close friend will ask me, I may well tell the truth, that is, any gender will do.
    4. Do I care what people think of me? Absolutely yes. Because I work, because I plan to study again, because there are fields where I think people don’t owe me sympathy or understanding. So that to free them from exerting effort to understand me. I act in normal decorum (no matter how tired I am of them asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend). And if there is no need for you to know (if you are not a friend or a relative), then I have the liberty to serve you silence.
    5. Do I get mad if people validate me? In some occasions, yes. Because for me, don’t ask a question you don’t deserve an answer. If you are suspicious, then pity me for believing that people will not understand, then fuck off and mind your own business, if you think your existence is not significant to mine, then just let my parents and close friends comfort me, and dont’t keep me in sight.
    6. Am I preoccupied by confusion? No, not because of my situation. But because of other people wasting time to validate me, if in fact, they need more time to validate themselves.

    my suggestion. learn how to be at peace with your own philosophies. If you think you no longer want to be gay (even if you know, no matter how you try, you can’t), then just think, that you are an old soul philosopher, who think love is connection, that regardless of your gender, as long as you connect, connect. then you can keep that in the pannier of your mind. I think it is half truth, but no one can say that that dictum is a lie, if it administer you comfort and convenience, have it as your second nature.

  42. Jake said on 08-08-2007

    Dear Chinito,

    We are on the same boat. I’m still experiencing the same predicament myself. I think the best path is to maintain the status quo. We live in a society wherein once you say you are gay there’s not turning back and I do believe that you still need time to figure this out. Ignore those gays who insist that being out and about is the way to go. We all have our own way of expressing our preference. I don’t think you should be forced into making your decision right now. It’s all about respect. But at the end of the day, you and I will have to make a decision. It will be hard and painful but it must be done.

    Let me share the main factor that I’m weighing in deciding which way to go:

    Do I see myself in a serious relationship with a guy in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? If no, why?

    Whatever your answer to this question will determine where your happiness lies.

  43. George said on 08-08-2007

    I don’t think you will ever become straight based on what you wrote. But you can change your lifestyle…depende lang yan sa convictions mo. Try a heterosexual life, why not!?

  44. baklamancutedin@yahoo.co.uk said on 08-08-2007

    Hi matey!!!

    You are indeed in a very confusing stage. But firstly, before everything has been said, you dont have to bash gays so that you could appear more manly. If you want to become straight it will be a matter of choice for you, psychologically sometimes it happens when a gay man becomes straight and becomes gay again or remains straight. I think that is one fascinating thing about life, you will never know who will you become, but amidst this confusion there is only one thing that really matters, look where your heart is, and you will find peace once you know your choices is made by your heart, be it straight or bent or whatever in between, it will boil down to one thing, HAPPINESS. Wherever you find happiness stick to it.

  45. Tony said on 08-08-2007

    Your confusion is probably fueled by fear. Is this really what you want to do? Do you really want these guys to be friends with you on a false pretense?

    I know, there is a different feeling of camaraderie when you are hanging out with straight men as well as gay men….in my opinion and experience you don’t need to choose between the two. I don’t.

    My best buddy is straight and he knows that I am gay. He has accepted me and hence there is no topic that we cringe talking about. He even sarcastically prods me when he sees me looking at a guy I like.

    I guess really, it is a question of will your fear drive you into the closet or will it challenge you to confront it and move past it?

  46. blueharajuku said on 08-08-2007

    the fact that you felt guilty during the time you made fun about gays just made it clear: You are still gay. Or perhaps, you have a secret crush on one of those male co-workers you are talking about.

  47. kenny said on 08-08-2007

    hi chinito.i could relate to you.the difference with us is that you haven’t tried being in a heterosexual relationship.i had been in that relationship and it didn’t work.i had 3 gf’s.in fact i even had a mestiza gf but nothing happened.i felt i cared for them but didn’t deeply fall in love with them.at one point i thought i would become a father but it was false alarm.the excitement was unexplainable.that’s when i told myself that i want to have a child.going back to your problem, you don’t have to tell your friends or colleagues that you are indeed gay.even me, i still cringe when i hear gay lingos and i am not using any of them.i know some gay people would react with this but it’s my choice and and im happy with it.i think the reason why you deleted your account in a gay website was beacuse you are trying to convince yourself that you are now straight and i’m pretty sure that when you watch straight porn,you enjoy looking and imagining about the d**k and not the p***y.my advise to you is to keep yourself closeted if you are happy with it and just go ahead with what you enjoy doing but if you will ask me whether you will become straight is next to impossible.i have tried being straight for 35 odd years but still unsuccessful.i haven’t been to any gay clubs.i act and behave straight till now and i’m happy with it coz i won’t be happy if i behave as camp as a row of tents.goodluck to you.i hope this helps

  48. FC said on 08-08-2007

    Quit pretending, truth will always prevail. You are not only cheating on others but mostly yourself. Although it’s not your choice… if you were born gay then gay you will die. Remember life is too short, so enjoy it. Don’t think of what other people may say. It’s all up to you on how you want to spend the rest of your life. And please don’t ask for any advice as you will never listen because you keep on denying who you really are.

  49. ian said on 08-08-2007

    hmmmm. it’s nice to know that you and your guy friends are doing okay. BUT, i guess you’re just blissfully taken away by the friendship thingy. You’re just scared that the friendship would end if you show the real you. Remember, “it’s always hard the first time it comes out”. Pero kaya mo yan! Talagang naging uncomfortable ka nalang sa sexuality mo kasi nga guys na mga kasama mo, ayaw mo na ngang tinatawag na bakla eh, pero maniwala ka sa ‘kin, di ka magta-transform into a straight person ever! good luck to you…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *