Mark of Cebu is one confused guy. He says, “I wish I was just normally gay, or normally guy.” His email below shows the extent of his confusion, and how I wish he perseveres through the stage he currently is in, and come out a stronger, and overall better person. MGG readers, please read on, and be generous with sharing your thoughts. And for those who are going through something similar as Mark, I hope you feel strengthened knowing that there are other guys who are going through the same predicament as you are, and that there are people in this supposedly cruel world who are kind enough to listen, and give a piece of their mind on the matter. World Peace!
First of all, I am sorry if I have to use a bogus email account. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that the thought of coming out makes me sweat to some extent.
Being the Manilagayguy, I hope you could shed some light to my dilemma. By the way, you can call me Mark of Cebu (not my real name). I am now 23 years old and I am definitely at the crossroads, I am definite I am gay, to some point yes. (whether bi or not, I don’t know just yet).
[Note: Subheaders below are mine, not the letter-sender’s. – Migs]
Two Years of Sucking Candy
As a child (before 3 y.o.) as my mother would recall it, I was bubbly, fun and generally a positive child. I’ve had numerous friends because I am very congenial, I quote her. However, when I was 3, our neighbor ( a supposed kuya and caretaker) took me to a world I wouldn’t have wanted. Whenever I was left with him, he would then bring me to his room and ask me to su*k his schlong in exchange of candy. Being lured with candy, I did it. Unknowing of its consequence, it lasted until they transferred address when I was around five.
Carinderiang Bukas Sa Lahat Ng Gustong Kumain
He, accidentally or not, told somebody else about it. News spread about me having s*x with different guys that up until second year high school, I know many things about it. I even had s*x with almost all of my brother’s classmate during elementary.
In high school, I got so busy with academics that it stopped. I was aiming for honors and I’ve had numerous guy barkadas that the experience somehow did not bother me anymore. I’ve had gf’s, drinking binges among others. Things that somehow assured that I am a guy after all.
Girl on the Phone
When I was in second year college, I chanced upon a chance to play prank to a long time guy crush. I have this talent of changing my voice into a woman so I was able to have a short-lived relationship with him. He caught me. Still, I went for another relationship with a guy over the phone and never meeting them. I know some fell for me really hard but what could I do? I can’t meet them but I can’t let go of them because I loved them DEARLY. Whenever i get the courage to let go, I go again with another one. My heart has been broken many times that I am afraid to love anymore. I know it’s wrong. I am not only fooling them but I am making myself hope for something that will never happen. I feel sorry for them. This is one part of my life I truly regret. I have hurt more than five guys, make them fall for me (as the girl on the phone) only to break their heart. I don’t want to but somehow i had to make a choice.
Confused in So Many Ways
Currently, I have a GF but we broke up. No because she knows I am gay but because she senses that I have lost interest in her which is true.
Now my dilemma is: How can I come out? My parents are very conservative and they think gays would lose all their money paying guys for sex. I tried to explain it to them but they still go on with what they think. I am about to burst. I have told some of my closest friends about it just to ease the burden but I only told them until the part that I was molested and I am really confused (which is true).
Second, I want to be guy. I know I am gay but I want to be a guy? I can’t explain why.
Third, how can I stop hurting the people (men or women alike) who love me? It may sound so easy but everytime I try, I always end up going through the same route again.
I am sorry if I am bothering you. I am desperate, I just need help. I’m ripped between wanting to be a guy and coming out? I’ve cried a million times about it. I wish I was just normally gay or normally guy. Please help me!
~ Mark of Cebu