Stupefied. Speechless. Still am. Received this email just minutes ago.
(UPDATED! See end of post.)
I like your site so much. There is so much to know. You really nailed the Filipino gay culture with one blog. It says all. It embodies all. It makes us feel we are so real when everything else in us wanted to hide.
Being one of those men who chooses to hide behind closed doors, who supresses emotions (or hard ons) when it springs up at the wrong moment (if ever all moments were actually wrong), I knew i would be able to make every guy out there feel that someone is as hurting as they are. Well, I definitely am hurting.
I have been raised up as a sunday school kid. I am baptist and as others would tag us; a bunch of conservative hypocrites. True, true. I am, for one a hypocrite. Not that i ridicule the ‘sinners’ or what, but then, it is living this life that makes me hypocrite. I knew from the time i was fondled by a lifeguard at a kiddie swimming pool that a man’s touch makes a lot of difference. And it went on and on. Growing up my whole life, that longing to be touched haunted me like a hungry serpent searching for vermin.
But my hypocrisy led me to a life lived in abstinence, and fear of being found out. I worked out to build ‘manly’ muscles, i dressed appropriately, and of course i acted in a lie, spoke with a lie, lived in the lie.
Now in college, i became part of the swimming team. Swimming and pools got a bit fetishy for me so i got hooked with the sport. And in my team is my best friend since high school, Dino.
Compared to me, Dino is lankier, as he skips meals all the time, but still has the bone structure and a staggering 5’8″ that gives an illusion of him as a model. His chinito looks, like i have too, make girls kill themselves to hillbilly heaven whenever he cuts through the water. He is two inches shorter than i am (in height, perverts!) so i pretty get much the attention when we are ‘out of the water’. We don’t hang out that much with the nightlife or campus party stuff and all, but we spend so much time together at home – theirs or ours. We practice swimming at our pool often. We play videogames. We take our girls out. It was the typical college dude life – a bestfriend, a great sport, a girl. I was pretty sure i think the commotion of this college life really got me past my past. I think hiding for almost half my life would give way to the truth, that finally i get to be one straight guy all this time, just in need of the right moment to let it all be what it should. But then i was wrong.
I got closer with Dino. His brotherly ways, his affection and his caring to an extent that I wished he was really my brother. I felt this might lead me back to the past. To that serpent that haunts and never stops. I got hooked with him. The serpent started inching its way back into me. And for the first time, it caught what it wanted. I fell for it. I fell for Dino.
My brotherly love grew into desire, desire grew into more longing and longing was spent all in lust. My stares at him when he speaks was not friendly anymore. I stripped him in my mind countless times, in dreams or in reality. I peeped when he changes in the lockers. I sniff his clothes. I hug him when we are asleep in my bed, with an occasional tug on his privates, a little fondle here and there and a kiss on the head. He wakes up the same old guy. Not knowing what happened, and still trusting the walking lie that was me. He trusted all of me, for he knew not the real me, and kept on depending.
At 2 am one morning, he called up to say that he needed to talk and asked if he can come over. I agreed of course and waited for him. He was terrible when he arrived. He had bruises all over his body and he was crying. When his senses were finally eased, he spilled it all. He got his girl pregnant, and his dad in disbelief hurt him so bad. I was hurt too. But he needed me so i just let him rest.
Then it dawned on me that he is finally leaving me. I realized he is all that makes me feel i am real. That though i was living a lie, i am still alive. I was shaken. I was confused. I envied his girl. I envied him too. I wanted him too bad. Thoughts raced through my mind. Hate, malice and would you believe? Murder. But that wasn’t my style. It was just part of a countless thoughtless thinking. But one thing kept racing on my mind. Rape.
I wanted him so badly that night. I got out, drove my car to a 24-hour drugstore and bought valium. Yes, i really would do this, put him to sleep and do sorts of things unmentionable. I woke him up, and made him drink it. I told him it was pain reliever so he popped two of them.
That night was the most gruesome thing i ever would have imagined doing. I stripped him down, sucked like there was no tomorrow, swallowed, took naked videos of him, cummed in his face and body over and over again.
I cleaned him up and the bed after. I took a shower and lay beside him feeling sated. I kissed him on the nape, gave him a hug and tried my best to sleep the guilt off.
He woked up at about 1 pm, complaining that the meds didn’t work as he felt so spent and tired. I just shrugged and prepared a meal for him. He smiled and he thanked me.
Days passed and word came that the girl had the baby aborted much aginst Dino’s pleading not to. His parents still won’t talk to him. And he’s having a hard time keeping his grades afloat as much as his disinterest to floating in real water. His frequency in coming at home increased. He can’t stop crying and after a talk or two, he can’t stop thanking me for all. He said that if it wasnt for me, he won’t be living still. I was amused i have his attention. But things took a turn for the worst.
He committed suicide. Cut his wrist inside his car. I was shocked. There was no suicide note and his father blamed himself for everything. I mourned his death for days, not knowing who to blame.
Two weeks after his funeral, i arranged all his belongnings that are stashed in my closet. His books, undies, shirts and mags that he kept forgetting to bring back home from his countless sleepovers, and i piled his pictures to a heap, not wanting to see them for it would definitely make me cry again. On one of my shorts he borrowed the last night he slept in my room had a piece of paper tucked in the back pocket. When i read what was in it, i would want to do the same thing he did. Kill myself. The note read:
All i told you was true. You are after all my bestbud. Buti at may nakilala pa ako na tulad mo. Pero bakit sa huling sandali ito pa igaganti mo? I trusted you. I was down nung mga panahong iyon. Di ko maintindihan kung ano ba ginawa ko para lahat ng tao sasaktan ako. You are so selfish pala. Iba pala gusto mo. I saw the video. Pain reliever? Liar!
P.S. I won’t kill myself because of Dy (daddy) or Anne. I want you to know that i killed myself dahil sa yo.
I don’t know what to do. Turn myself in for raping him? Tell his dad? Suicide? I had countless nights that i can’t sleep and it haunted me again, like the serpent as before. Circling me, choking me to my last breath. Yes, i know i would live this way for long. Live in this lie forever.
UPDATE: (as of 10:10 AM of Saturday, 15 September, Manila time)
Excerpted from a follow up conversation through email between Migs and Kid:
Hang in there, Kid. Your letter shocked me. But I’m better now. I have asked the help of my readers to give you some of their advise. I will also put my thoughts in once I’ve pieced them together. But for now, try to compose yourself and do nothing drastic, OK? Be well. – Migs
Hi Migs. Thanks talaga. I’m actually ok after i wrote it. It’s like i really confessed to a throng of people. That felt good. Nakahinga ako ng malalim. I’m attending a church now. I think that was the best decision ever. But the thing with this is, the guilt is still there. And, no. I won’t do anything drastic. I already did, trying to drown myself in the pool. Hehe, silly me. But that was a month ago. I just wanted to know how would people react with the truth, so i sent you my story, before i would tell it to someone who could personally help me. – Kid