Here is a letter from Marc, an MGG reader, that tackles the classic predicament of straight-gay relationship. It’s true — when you are the one in the situation, it is much harder to see things objectively. We may always advocate that straight-gay relationships go nowhere, that it will never last especially without the money angle, etc. But who are we to stop any gay guy from falling in love? So I say, go and love whoever you want to love. My only suggestion is that in the course of loving, may each of us find more respect and dignity in our own person — but if the opposite happens then it’s time for some rethinking.
Hi Migs,
I encountered your blog a couple of weeks ago and I must say that this has inspired me and consoled me through the difficulties I have been facing lately.
I am a straight acting gay. Nobody knows about this except my two straight guy friends whom I have known from different/separate stages of my life. I have no plans of coming out as I am not yet comfortable with my situation (cliche’: I am a man who happens to love another man and I do not wish or intend to be a woman). I envy those who are brave enough to show their real persons but I beg your your respect and understanding regarding my situation and your non-judgmental way of looking at my problem, as it goes:
One of the two straight friends I have told earlier was my crush way back college days. We bumped into each other almost 5 years ago and re-discovered each other’s company. He was about 2 months married then and his wife was on family way for almost 5 months.
We went out and after a couple of drinking sessions, I confessed that was in love with him back our college days and I still have feelings for him. He said that he already had inkling back then” and said: “Ok lang as long as tandaan mo may asawa ako and magkakaroon na rin ng anak”. I was a “yes” as long as I would know where I would stand.
We went out almost every week, no “hanky-panky, – just pure clean fun. There was no declaration of “i love you’s” nor any assumption that we are “together”. We are just buddies. I met his family and became close with them also. I envy his relationship with his wife but I have no ill-wish that they be separated. I want them to be together. I always reminded him that he is lucky to have this kind of family that I only dreamed about.
Our “relationship” lasted for almost 5 years. In that period, we had “sex” only for 5 times. The “sex” I was talking about is “he-just-stands-there-and-I-suck-him” kind of way (I hope this goes through your “censor” as I think this information is vital in the story). No kissing (he did not like it, as indeed mentioned in one of your articles on straight men), no romance, juts BJ. Just 5 times. In 5 years. A little about 5-10 mins each.
Still, it was okay with me. He was the first and only man (so far) whom I have done that oral act. Demure and prude? maybe. But more than that, it was hopeless romantism (”I do it only to the one I love” principle).
During those years, I told him that I am willing to forego my requests for the oral act as he always complains that he feels guilty everytime we do it . He said he is sorry for his wife and his child after we did the act. Hence, only 5 times for 5 years. My only condition imposed for not asking the oral act was he should have no other women except his wife. I tend to get jealous with the other girls flirting with him as they would get to have sex with him while all I got was a “stand-up” act. So I asked him to just inform me if he is already dating or planning to date girls other than his wife. My reason was “ayokong ako ang gumagastos sa iyong mga luho pero gagamitin mo lang sa ibang tao other than your family. Also, I told him that “ayokong madamay sa gulo nyo in case sumabog yan”.
In fairness to the guy, mabait siya sa akin at hindi nagde-demand ng kahit ano. My problem was I showered him with a lot of gifts (sometimes, pera na lang for him to buy what he wants with his wife lest his wife would suspect should he go home with a new pair of shoes or a cellphone). This was my way of showing how much I love him and I do not want him to incur expenses while we go out as he has a family to support.
Our problem would always be “other girls”. Since he is really goodlooking, a lot of girls go gaga over him. There were times that I suspect that he is fooling around with other girls but he always denied this. So I started to be paranoid and be distrustful. When he said that he is out with his friends, I would call our common friend to confirm if he is indeed with him but in a very careful manner so as not to give away any clue about us. Sometimes, I would call his wife to check if they are really together. These acts of mine really pissed him off. He said that I am trying to “fish” information from his wife. He said that his wife may suspect about us as I was always “concern” about his whereabouts. I know I sometime acted overboard but sometimes I can’t control my emotions. I wanted to be vindicated everytime I have some suspicion so I try to look for evidence to support my accusation.
Last month, he broke up with me. He said my actions would give us away and he said that “nakakahiya kung maghihiwalay kami ng asawa ko dahil lang sa katulad mo”. That was below the belt. That was cruel.
I survived without any communication with him for almost one month. This was the longest since we first met up five years ago. This was the time when I got hold of your blog and learned from the experiences of your readers. Your blog helped me through this ordeal. I was okay.
Then, he called me up.
He informed me that he and his wife are already separated. I was not in the picture. His wife discovered his relationship with another woman which was going on for almost 3 months now. He also said that all my suspicions while we were together during those months were all correct. He wanted to meet up with me to ask for forgiveness.
We met. He said that he still maintains the relationship with this new woman and he admitted that he already fell in love with her. In turn, I admitted that I still have feelings for him and all these times, I was just waiting for his call. Stupid me. After all these days of trying to live my life, he would show up. All my defenses were buried and my feelings gained control over me. In reply, he said that he is willing to take me back as long as I learn to let him be and live his life now with this woman. He said that I should not feel jealous with his new woman as she and I are different. He said “babae talaga ang hanap ko” but he is willing to help me as he knows that I can only confide my feeling with him as I am still in the closet. He said that we would help each other go through our problems. He did not give me his new cellphone number as I have the tendency to call him anytime of the day. It seems that I am checking again his whereabouts and “nagbabantay na naman”. Ayaw nya sa attitute ko na ganun.
I agreed to continue our relationship but this time, I told him I do not want the help that he is offering. My other friends (especially the other straight guy earlier who knows tthe real me is my best friend and would always be there to support me… no strings attached) are enough already although they do not know the real me. I am ok with them. What I want is a relationship from him.
Now, at home, I am wondering. Did I make the right decision of letting him into my life again? We spent 5 years and in thise five years, we would go out in public places drinking everyweek and would chat for almost 5 hours. That was not easy to forget. He was and sitll my life. Plus, what if this is as good as it gets? Should I just be happy about it and be content with it?
I know some would say that I should not fall with a straight man. I know that this is the be all and end all of my problems but please I need your advice aside from this fact.
thnx a lot.
marc
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