I have asked permission from Elmer, our letter sender, to publish his letter here. Let me ask you dear readers, as usual, to share your opinion regarding his “homo-emo” situation.
I’ve long been looking for someone sensible to talk to regarding my situation. When I chanced upon your site, and after listening to some of your podcasts and reading your posts, I thought that maybe you are someone who I could listen to regarding my issue. It’s really simple if you think about it, but since it’s my issue, in my opinion, it’s infinitely complex. The question that boggles my mind is this: Am I gay?
Let me tell you that ever since childhood I’ve always thought I was normal. I grew up normal, liked what normal boys liked, and did what normal boys did. A gay friend once asked if I ever had a crush on a guy before, or anything like that, and I answered without thinking — no, never. It was a non-issue. Until recently.
Last December 2006 I broke up with my girlfriend. It was such a bad break up that I had to seek the constant company of my barkada just to get the nagging feeling of being broken off my system. Every after office, I would call them to check who among them I can hangout with. It ran for a couple of months until they told me, in various ways, how I should just get back on my feet. Unfortunately it was not as easy as they portrayed it should be. Luckily, one of them, Marco, seemed to understand.
Marco continued to hangout with me. “I’ll stand by you, pare. Dito lang ako, baka kasi mag-suicide ka,” he said half-jokingly. Even without me calling, he would offer to join me at dinner time, and most of the time this led to a bottle or two of beer (sometimes more). Since I live alone we would normally just hangout in my house and naturally, as it happened a lot of times, he would sleep over.
Nothing sexual ever happened between Marco and me. The nearest thing that ever happened was him sleeping while embracing me. At first I was really uncomfortable that I would remove his arms around me when he tried to embrace. But as it happened a lot of times, and thinking that I may just be reading too much into the gesture, I just let him be. Fortunately, that was it. Nothing went beyond that.
As Marco and I spent more time together, I noticed how I would sometimes miss him when he is not around. I also look forward receiving his regular “Musta?” texts, peppered throughout the day. Parang I’m getting really emotionally attached to him.
To this day, almost a year has passed since my breakup, Marco and I continue to hangout. I do not anymore hurt from the breakup but admittedly I am confused. I am not sexually nor romantically attracted to Marco, but I have to admit, I am emotionally attached to him.
Migs, this is my issue. Does this emotional attachment to Marco make me gay? What should I do?