I hope everything’s fine on your end.
I am not your usual reader (Yes, I am a real woman). I came across this great site upon researching about a person’s sexuality. Well, my husband, Ram. And I thought, you can provide a sound advice given a gay man’s perspective.
I’m Ria, I’m a mother of two, a 7-year old and a 2-year old, both girls. I have been married for seven years to Ram, a nice person and a good looking man (I’m proud that my husband is such a cutie). He was my boyfriend for two years in college and after college, we got married because I got pregnant.
He is a good, loving husband and a great father. Aside from fighting from usual, petty things – we are doing good, almost perfect. Except for one, for seven years, I feel that this marriage is a marriage of three people, he has a gay lover — which I knew even before we got married. All these years, I learned to accept our situation but I am now having a change of heart.
Andy, the third party — rich and gay
The third person in our relationship is Andy. He is three years older than my husband. They became friends in college because they belong to the same fraternity. I didn’t know that Andy is gay. He acts like a straight guy, even up to now. Coming from a rich and influential family, I understand why he’s in the closet.
I had this theory that Andy was smitten to Ram when my husband was a frat neophyte. Who would not find him attractive, he’s tall, very handsome, guileless, dashing, and got a great body. If he wanted back then, he can pass up as a model or an actor. He had this story that he might have been beaten badly during their initiation rites if not for Andy. He thinks that Andy protected him during that rites. They are both engineers, my husband being a civil engineer. He said that their friendship was brotherly until when Andy came out to Ram, that Andy loved him very much. My husband didn’t return the feelings, he had another girlfriend back then. (Which didn’t last, I suspect that Andy has something to do why Ram broke up with the girl). They still became very good friends, even after Andy’s graduation. He would visit Ram at the university or at his boarding house, always checking on him. Even though Andy would constantly hit on Ram, he would ignore and laugh at it.
The Tragedy and The Savior
And then, there came a tragedy to Ram’s life. His father died from a heart attack and his mother was diagnosed with cancer leaving a pile of financial burden to Ram’s family. Their family business went bankrupt. Being the 2nd eldest, his older sister already has a family, we wanted to stop studying and would work to support his mother and younger siblings. He stopped for about a year to attend to his family’s needs.
But Andy came to his rescue. He convinced Ram to go back to school and he would support him and support his family without asking anything in return. Andy is rich and holds a good position into their family’s company. Heavily indebted to Andy, Ram offered himself, and he became Andy’s lover.
I met Ram on our 4th year in college through a common friend. I have to admit that I was the first one who set the initiative to get to know Ram more. After all, I am not the only girl who flirted with him. Aside from being good looking, he was nice, had a great sense of humor. We had no formal courting and we just decided that we are on a relationship. My only trouble was when her ex-gf sent nasty things about me. I knew that they didn’t end up in good terms.
At first, I didn’t knew who Andy was. Ram let us meet and he introduced Andy to me as his best friend, his brother at the fraternity. I found their friendship cute since they always had this pingpong or basketball game every Friday and that Ram would go to Andy’s place to ask help on his academics (If only I knew back then). I felt that Andy didn’t like me at first. He looked at me from head to toe. After a few months, Andy and I became close, to the point that we exchange stories about Ram. Andy is also a nice guy. I was clueless as he knows a lot of things about Ram. We even laughed at Ram’s nasty mannerisms and antics. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said that she is always busy. However, I never had a chance to meet his “girlfriend”.
When we graduated, Ram landed a job in an engineering firm (with Andy’s influence) and I got a job from a government agency. Then, I got pregnant. When I told Ram about the situation, he was stunned, and I knew he lost his flow of thoughts. And he said that he would marry me. I moved to his place and that is when I started thinking after going through his things, how did he manage to graduate college, with his mother’s medical condition (his mother apparently survived breast cancer) and his younger siblings still studying when he just started with his new job. It never occurred to me when we were still dating, as he was saying his relatives were helping them.
Discovering The Gay Relationship
I searched on his stuff and found some pictures of him and Andy, which were not “friendly”. While I haven’t found an image with both men in a compromising act, one image stuck in my head, with Andy embracing Ram and kissing him on the cheek.
I had a feeling that Andy is gay and Ram is his lover. It must have been my hormonal imbalance during that time when I am pregnant that kicked my instincts to know more about Andy and Ram.
Checking on further, it was only that time that I realized that how can Ram afford such expensive items when I knew he tried to make ends meet during college. I knew it those were expensive items because I searched on Hamilton watches, Lacoste shoes and shirts, among other things. He has things I knew he couldn’t afford. I was very nosy to the point I checked on his bank account and found a good amount going through his account monthly for several years. I was really convinced that there something going on with Andy and Ram but I cannot find something to pin them down.
Mustering all the courage, I confronted Ram and asked him directly who is Andy to his life. I never saw Ram so sad until that day, when he said that he is Andy’s kept man. That they are more than just friends. I was really angry that time and I wanted to think that he didn’t say what he just said. Then he started his story as I wrote above.
“Do you love him?”
I didn’t know what to do, I love Ram so much and I can feel that he loves so much too. I asked him if he loves Andy, he said, that Andy is important to him as he saved his life, that he’ll forever be in debt with Andy. I decided to accept him back but Andy has to go. He said he’s going to talk to Andy. And he left his place and went on to Andy’s.
The following day, I received a call from Andy and although I hesitated to talk to him but I listened to him anyway. He wanted to meet me and said a number of “I’m sorry”.
“You are the querida, not me!”
When I met Andy it seemed like it was not the Andy I knew, he started crying and pleaded that I should not take Ram away from him, as Ram meant so much to him. And that he could not live without Ram. As we are talking, I remembered all the good things that he did for us and to Ram. I still remember what he said to me seven years ago – “i was the one who first came into Ram’s life, if he didn’t told me that he loved you so much, I would never have allowed you to share him with me”. That hit me, in short, I am the other woman!
He Loves You, He Needs Me
And then he went to – “Ram loves you but he needs me.” and then proposed that we’ll share Ram. I have 5 days and he will have him for 2 days a week. It was a pathetic set up but I accepted it as I love Ram so much and I want my baby to have a father.
Cutting the story short, we agreed on that set up and Ram and I got married. He was even Ram’s best man. I gave birth and Andy was one of my baby’s godfather. As Ram’s career is going up, I decided to be a fulltime housewife. Whenever we had problems, Andy is there to help us. I got used seeing Ram’s go to his place every Wednesday and Friday. Andy and I even spend sometime shopping, and doing other things.
All is okay until I started to realize that Andy is asking for more time with Ram, instead of 2 days, Ram spends three days (nights) with him. He doesn’t usually give Ram awful kiss marks but when Ram goes home and we make out, I can notice kiss marks that he is giving on my husband – as if making me think that, your man came through with my hands first. This started to happen when Ram started planning that he wants to leave the country and work abroad several months ago. I supported Ram’s plan but Andy is strongly against it. I can feel that Ram somehow fears Andy but I can’t seem to make Ram say a thing.
For several weeks, I am not seeing Andy and now he wants Ram to accompany him for this two-week overseas vacation. I told Ram not to, as we haven’t been on vacation that long ourselves. I think that Andy is already tired of this set up and goes on his way to take Ram away from me. I love Ram but it seems that he can’t get away with Andy. It’s been seven years but isn’t it fair to claim for my man as mine? Kelan ba natatapos ang utang na loob? I do not know if this set up can last forever.
If you are in my situation, what would you do? How will I fight for my man? How can I compete with Andy? I think I’m going crazy and I’m about to fall out.
Thanks for you time in reading my letter.
Wishing for the best,
PS: before deciding to send this letter, i thought that your readers might go on and say, that I leave Ram and give him to Andy… oh well…and sorry, i’m not a good writer. 🙁
Love knows no age, race, nor gender. So as you write seeking a gay man’s opinion on your situation, I tell you: seek the advice of people not based on age, race, nor gender, but rather listen to those whose wisdom you respect, those whose truth knows no religion.
I have always believed that sacrifice is the touchstone of love. But until when and where can you sacrifice for the love of your man? And I dare answer, go and sacrifice, yes even to the point of bleeding, but only to the edges of self-respect. Everyone needs to stand alert to preserve one’s dignity.
Thank you, and world peace!
Dear MGG readers, feel free to share your thoughts here for Ria to ponder on.