How are you? I’m an avid reader of manilagayguy.net. This blog helps a lot of gay people to share information and stories. This really makes you one of the best things that happened to the Filipino gay community.
Anyway I’m writing to you to share my own story and I wish to seek for your personal advice as I know that you are a very reasonable person with sound judgment. My story started when I was 13 years old. During that time I already knew that I was gay. Nobody knows within my family and circle of friends. I was invited by one of my cousins to attend a birthday party in their house. He was 21 years old that time. After the party, I told my cousin that I needed to go home since my curfew was 10pm. He told me that it was better that I stayed overnight as it was not safe anymore to go home. In short I spent the night in their house.
I slept on my cousin’s bed. He had a queen size bed so we just shared although we had our own kumot. Around 2am, I notice that he placed his leg on my tummy. My reaction was to remove his leg which I felt was a bit heavy. By the way, he was half drunk that time. My cousin is 5’10” tall, dark and has a very lean and nice body. His face is cute, a typical Filipino type. Back to the story, I removed his leg and then I also put aside my own kumot. I knew that time that he was still not sleeping so I ask him if I can share his kumot. He did not reply so I took his kumot. He embraced me and he put back again his leg but this time not in my tummy but on top of my di**. Of course I had a hard on and I took his hand and ask him to play with my toy. He did not do it, rather he turned away from me. When he did that, I embraced him instead. After I noticed that it was okay with him, I started to touch his di**. He had an instant hard on. I played with it until my hand became tired. When I stopped playing with his di**, he grabbed my hand and asked me to continue what I was doing to him. To cut the story short, he came…
The following morning, my cousin did not talk to me. From then on, every time we meet he would avoid me. He never talked to me again. My cousin is now married and he has already 2 children. I saw him again last week after 20 years in our family reunion. I thought that he had forgotten already the incident that took place in the past. Until now he does not talk to me and every time I tried to open a conversaion, he would avoid me.
I’m wondering why he has such an attitude. Do you think that he feels guilty about the said incident? Does any of your reader have the same experience? What do you think is the best way to open up a conversation with my cousin? Or is it the best way that I should stop communicating with him because he wants to avoid me? I don’t know why I don’t feel guilty about it. I just thought during those time that I am still young and maybe I was just curious.
Please let me have your opinion about my situation.
Thank you and more power to you.
Dearest D.K. —
Your cousin is obviously carrying the baggages of guilt feelings from that fateful night. You do not have to carry the same burden. Whatever his reasons are in avoiding you — just let go and perhaps accept the fact that it is not your issue anymore. You’ve tried to reach out, and as they say, it takes two to tango. Besides, when the incident happened, you were 13 and he was 21. Anong ina-arte-arte niya ha! Maybe this is one major factor why his guilt is eating him up.
Pero naman, if you really want to talk to him, sige na, go try one last time. Make it short and sweet: tell him it’s okay, and you want to put everything behind. Now if he still is adamant about avoiding you then, go, dust off your sandals and walk away. Let him be. There are many more things in life to experience, appreciate, and enjoy. Go out, and smell the flowers! Having learned how it was to feel avoided and not spoken to, try to appreciate the people around you more. Be a shining example of cheerfulness in the middle of a crazy world. And while you’re at it, regularly say a little prayer for dear tall, dark, and “lean body” cousin — may he find peace despite that one playful, fateful taboo night.