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The Epiphany on Singlehood

2007/12/02Issues, Love and Dating, Migs SpeaksTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yes this is once again a reflection post…. a post reflecting on Migs’ singlehood, by far, the most intimately personal sharing here in MGG. Thank you for coming to my blog these past months, or weeks, or days… I feel so blessed to have a blog like MGG, and an audience as diverse, fun, and smart as you… feel free to share your thoughts on this post.

* * *

Have you ever experienced, while pondering on a very difficult puzzling question in your life, a sudden burst of clarity of thought, a perception of reality by means of a surge of intuitive realization? While driving along EDSA last night, I was thinking, “Why am I still single?” And that was the seed, that most powerful question that would bring me my epiphany, a eureka moment of sorts.


Eureka Moments in School

This has happened to me several times before. I remember very distinctly the multiple times I was able to solve my school homework, my Physics Problem Set while riding a PUJ from my place to UP Diliman during my college years. My professor would proclaim in class how impressed he was that it was just me who was able to solve that difficult electromagnetism problem set… thanks to those smoke-filled jeepney rides that hosted my eureka moments. I am weird like that. Whenever I am faced with a problem, I use my idle moments as thinking time, and somehow the universe allows me to focus and just nudge me enough towards an intuitive discovery that figures to be the solution. Parang magic ‘noh?


Singlehood as a Problem

Since I broke up with my partner of 3 years in November 2006, I noticed how my pattern of behavior has been towards solving my singlehood, framed as a problem. I treated it just like a Physics problem set, or an issue at work. I constantly think about it, and tried, sometimes in meandering ways, to solve its root cause in many different permutations and iterations. I battled my singlehood like a monster of an issue, at times with smart strategies or tacky tactics, and at other times with pure brute force, belligerently biting and scratching, tooth and nail. Come the end of November 2007, I find myself still single, scratched and bruised, but still single. Problem yet to be solved. Even after one full year of struggle.


What Is Wrong With Me?

Why am I still single? What have I been doing wrong? My eureka moment is in reflecting on these questions. It became clear to me that I was trying to solve the problem of my singlehood, while in fact it is not a problem at all. I’ve been a Super Mario battling the Dragon to save the princess, but after the fiery fight and the smoke has gone down, soon discovers that there was never a dragon, and the opponent I’ve been battling was the princess I was supposed to save in the first place.


Powerful New Mental Model

That same evening that my mind was swirling with this epiphany (and this was last night) I went out with friends to a quaint little comedy bar in Timog Avenue, famous for being a tambayan of PLUs… there I was drinking and laughing the night away when suddenly my change in mental model made me realize further how powerful the epiphany is. The several times I was in that same place, my eyes roamed around to check out guys who tickle my fancy. Consequently when the night dwindles down, and as I leave for home, with my hunting unsuccessful, my romantic hankering unaddressed, I get sad. Quietly sad. This time however, last night, while the place was teeming with lots of PLUs, a number of them really good looking, I was going through a whole new experience. I was still checking them out, God they were pretty, but I saw them not anymore as possible solutions to my singlehood problem… I saw them just as they are — people trying to enjoy the comedy show and the company of friends. And boy was it liberating. Away went the unnecessary drama and insecurities. I was even able to relate and interact with them much more.


Not Just Solutions To Singlehood

Then flashes of memory came rushing in… the basketball player, the actor, the 7-hour phonepal, the SAGG, etcetera, etcetera… the faces of my dates, who before then I unwittingly saw as just possible solutions to my singlehood problem, stormed into my mind once again, and that brought me to a whole different level of consciousness. I thought, this was the right mental model. I should just BE. It felt great, and I enjoyed that night in the bar much more than I ever did before.


Just Be.

I learned how I should just enjoy my life now, and not try to solve things that are not even a problem. I learned that while singlehood has its lonely times, it is not its root cause. The root cause is in desperately seeking to solve it as a problem. So what should I do? I will just be, and drink from the beauty of the now. And just let this new epiphany bring me a fuller life, lived and enjoyed by the moment, pristine and unencumbered by imaginary issues.

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  1. #42  earl

    this is sort of ancient…if anyone ever followed ’sex and the city’, does ¤single and fabulous¤ mean anything? Well, i’ve been SAF and i’m loving it. – lattes_and_yosi@yahoo.com

    07/12/13 22:58

  2. #41  joshMe&Doves

    hmmmnn… i think i just need a gud and affectionate hug! :) just B, tutuB, hehehe

    07/12/11 22:24

  3. #40  closet case

    amen!

    07/12/11 05:16

  4. #39  patrick

    this is so common among everyone..

    being too analytical. but then, it doesn’t hurt. after all, what we’re looking for are answers, right? =)

    07/12/08 06:34

  5. #38  June

    I love this blog entry! It brilliantly put into words everything that I have felt, thought about and anguished over all these years. The replies are wonderfully written as well. EUREKA! JUST BE… AND LOVE YOURSELF FOR THAT. Thanks everyone!

    07/12/06 09:31

  6. #37  jayzee

    true happines is not having what you dont have but appreciating what you have at the moment.

    07/12/05 11:37

  7. #36  chuchucaracas

    pero i find it weird na you feel a bit lonely because you’re single. you have to admit na pag ni-post mo number mo dito call center ang drama mo. and ikaw na rin nagkuwento about these seemingly good guys that you’ve dated and ikaw rin nagdecide not to push through with them. i have a friend na lagi niya sinasabi ang hanap niya yung kakainggitan ng lahat, in the process siya ang naiingit sa lahat dahil hindi niya makita yung hinahanap niya. tapos i got another friend na lahat ng lumapit sa kanya tinatanggihan niya, akala niya ata nakakabata yun…

    when you pray for someone to love, God will not give you a lover but an opportunity to share your love.

    07/12/05 07:38

  8. #35  margaux

    :)

    07/12/04 20:46

  9. #34  dowell

    I am happy for you Migs, and I am wishing you to find what destiny wishes you to find, may it be a person, a thing, or the fully realised you. Kudos.

    07/12/04 18:32

  10. #33  jet

    AMEN to you Migs. AMEN. : )

    07/12/04 16:06

  11. #32  burned

    1fagtoanother,

    “Masaktan na kung masaktan, mareject na kung mareject, in the end you’ll still be ok anyway.”

    Maybe I was too hard to myself keeping all those bitterness that I’ve gone through. It led me to be bitter as well to people and things. I became indignant when I see happy couples, beautiful people and all those sort. I can now admit that I became a Grinch.

    Admitting leads to what? Acceptance.

    I guess it’s time to let go of those bitterness. Time to trash out the anger.

    Thank you for the enlightenment. I’ll take your advice. Letting go and “just be”.

    07/12/04 13:34

  12. #31  riffraff2000

    Eckhart Tolle, author of “The Power of Now” and “Stillness Speaks”, discusses how in being the present moment bring about clarity of thought that washes away worries, anger and suffering. I totally recommend reading his books.

    Practicing yoga also emphasizes the present moment. You will notice that little things don’t annoy you anymore. It will lessen your anxiety because you know things work out in the end. It transforms you.

    I am still struggling with my issues but they have become bearable, and I sleep somewhat better.

    Namaste.

    07/12/04 10:25

  13. #30  lordrommel27

    hi migs, i have something to share with you. i got this in one of the AA magazines during my recent weekend get away in new york. basically, i visited new york just for meet ups for suitable partners. hahaha

    but anyway, here’s the quote i read in of the magazines,
    the more you have to offer the more difficult it seems to find the person who is right for you.

    hahaha this actually the adline of one of the matchmaking compnanies in the US, whereas they would help affluent gentleman to look for their suitable or perfect partner.

    i might been thinking, what i would ask for their help. hahaha

    07/12/04 08:10

  14. #29  tagongtago

    New here. Nice blog.

    I know it sounds cliche but, just let it be. I learned from my Philo class that genuine hope requires patience. Don’t force yourself into the music. Just let it be.

    07/12/04 03:03

  15. #28  marcus

    I can relate to this, Migs. Thanks for this post.

    07/12/03 23:00

  16. #27  tnoi

    back to basics! that’s it…

    07/12/03 20:47

  17. #26  jimg29

    My silence should have been much more golden but I can’t pass up to react to this epiphany of your’s. Just an observation, and disregard this if I’m wrong, you could have been in a steady relationship already had you value and nurture it. No wonder some of us readers have this impression that Brother Migs was anybody but shallow.

    As I’m a man of few words, let me just part with this quote from Carl Gustav Jung, “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside awakes.”

    This might help for finding your true relationship!

    07/12/03 18:14

  18. #25  from1fagtoanother

    Burned,

    Are you willing to let go of your fear to get hurt? Are you willing to be vulnerable again, the same vulnerability you had in your first relationship? All trusting, all hopeful.

    You have to let go of your past hurts for the new love to come in.

    If your answer to this is yes, then patience is the answer. You don’t want to be cheap on love. Remember, you are looking for your life partner and not everyone will fit the bill.

    If you do find that one person you want to be with, pursue him just like how you did it when you were a teenager.

    Pursue him like you’ve never been hurt, never been rejected before.

    Learn your lessons from the past but do not let it scare you.

    My motto, and this is coming from someone who never had a problem finding a relationship, masaktan na kung masaktan, mareject na kung mareject, in the end you’ll still be ok anyway. Its better to know that you’ve done everything that you can and get hurt, than regret that you’ve never given it a chance.

    Good luck!

    07/12/03 16:41

  19. #24  from1fagtoanother

    When you see that being single is a problem, then you’ve got it all wrong. You have a need that needs to be filled, be it loneliness, the security of being with someone or whatever it is.

    Be contented with your singlehood. Beyond that, be happy in your now.

    I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now and I’m just as happy as when I was single.

    Coming into a relationship to be happy is wrong. You will, in all likelihood, demand and rely on your eventual boyfriend for happiness. And that my dear, will never happen. This actually is the root cause for most break ups – unrealistic expectations.

    You are the only one who can make you happy. You are the only one who can make you content.

    So my friends, for now, BE YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND. Whatever pampering you intend to do to your eventual boyfriend, do it to yourself for now. Be happy. Be content.

    It is only during the time when you’ve loved yourself enough, when the need to be with someone has faded away, and to an extent, the fear of letting someone enter your life is present, that is the only time you can tell yourself that you’re ready.

    The worse thing that you can be right now is some hungry craving needy single person. It is most unattractive.

    onequarter.blog.com

    07/12/03 16:27

  20. #23  aaron

    good realization. it’s actually one of the points that ordinary people just can’t comprehend.
    i’m glad to read a very existential and philosophical blog from you Ü

    07/12/03 15:33

  21. #22  Ian

    PLU people like us or another term for gays. Possibly comes from the group in Singapore of the same name.

    07/12/03 13:52

  22. #21  Kabul Guy

    I have also dream the moment where I have to spent my life with someone I really care for and love but since im very miticulous w guy not to mention career focus, I intend to indluge myself to work in a very desperate,scary world of War Zones Kabul Afghanistan, Sometimes I ask myself “what is purpose of Working, earning and saving for the future wherein fact i dont have someone that i can share with. Family, Yes they are there but they cannot give u the things that u really want for in ur life. It is always a question that still hanging in my mind. Single? I dont want to but I cannot live pretending for the sake of having a partner without trust,love. Working and earnings thts what I do.

    07/12/03 11:34

  23. #20  ik

    Just Be

    …

    reminds me of harlequin.

    07/12/03 10:34

  24. #19  burned

    I have let things “be” for years now and I’m still single.

    What seems to be the problem?

    With all your experiences, from all the things that happened to you, I’m sure you learned a lot.

    I too have those eureka moments. Pondering on the question: “why am I still single”, I realized that it’s not that bad being single, I convinced myself that one day I’ll find the right one. And I let things “be”. Then, I’m back in the saddle of asking myself why am I still single? And this has been happening for years now.

    It’s a struggle. One day I’m OK. The next isn’t.

    Can you enlighten me?

    07/12/03 10:31

  25. #18  Markus

    “Just Be” might have been more appropriate as the blog title… Ang galing.

    Kung baga sa football, it is a touchdown; sa baseball, homerun…this just hits the target Sir Migs. They say people can talk 150 words per minute but can processed thoughts 600 words per minute…so kung minsan kahit nasaan ka…seminar, me kausap, kumakain.. ang daming dumaraan sa utak mo. And for single people…the thought of “why am i still single” flashes through our mind more than once. It is always there. Parang kati ba sa singit na di mawala…LOL..

    But if we just forget about that life will be much more enjoyable. Remember when we were kids. Noong tayo ay mga batang mga wala pang muwang. We didnt care. I remember i was so happy then because i was “just being” a kid. And we attract other kids because of that fun, spunk and our innocence… Why can’t we “just be” like that again…

    07/12/03 07:19

  26. #17  shikamaru914

    love the post……true that being single is not a problem……kung may darating darating, basta enjoy muna kung ano ang meron sa ngaun….just be—-

    07/12/03 04:25

  27. #16  singlesincegodknows

    “just be”-ing is both hard and easy…

    07/12/03 02:19

  28. #15  raymund gerard

    i kinda made the same realization just recently.
    simplify your life.
    beat the drama queen/princess/empress out.
    just be.
    be the happy beautiful person you truly are.
    you dont need people.
    you can want people if you choose.
    but you dont need them to make you happy.
    be happy just because.
    just be.

    07/12/03 01:20

  29. #14  Scottso

    Happiness is like the tail of a cat. When the cat chases its tail, happiness is out of reach. Yet if the cat goes about its business, happiness follows him.

    07/12/03 01:05

  30. #13  James

    thanks for your share of “eureka”

    just in time, your post came just in time.

    07/12/03 00:59

  31. #12  adrian™

    i completely agree, singlehood is not a problem that you have to solve. i’ve tried doing that for the past few months, and believe me, it becomes really tiring. from this point forward, i’ll “just be”

    salamat migs!

    07/12/03 00:29

  32. #11  peppoi

    @jh: people like us

    Singlehood is a blessing and a curse, like that of anger and love; two sides of the same coin…hmmm

    :-/

    07/12/02 23:31

  33. #10  kurt michael

    ^ yeah, what’s a PLU?

    i hear you, brother. gay or not, kids our age should read this and get it knocked into their heads that being in a relationship is great but that’s not the only thing to look forward to in life.

    not that i ought to be one to talk, really.

    and besides, searching for someone is almost always disappointing. the best kind of boyfriends are the guys who are friends first – the ones who you spend loads of time with before you fall in love with.

    feels great. peace, migs. you rock!

    07/12/02 23:09

  34. #9  ryanini

    sometimes, the problem with working frantically for whatever it is you want, is forgetting what you already have…

    im not entirely optimistic.. but it helps looking on brighter side of things.. cos surprisingly, some do have brighter sides.. they just dont usually come in packages we expect them to be…

    : o )

    07/12/02 22:30

  35. #8  jh

    uhhm..what’s PLU?

    07/12/02 20:55

  36. #7  supladitoh

    almost the same case as mine.. the only difference is i never had a relationship..

    ive met a lot of guys.. but all of them just come in and out of my life.. and now i realized that im just wasting my time and hurting myself..

    now i just want to enjoy my life.. i just want to be free from all of the pains that i’ve done with myself..

    i want to grow up!..

    kung me dadating, then great!.. kung wala, ok lang.. eh sa ganun talaga.. nakaya ko nmng mabuhay ng single.. kakayanin ko ding mamatay ng single dba?..

    this is really a nice blog migs.. =)

    07/12/02 19:35

  37. #6  sundaymornings

    I agree with you. Until recently, I realized that singlehood is not a problem that’s waiting to be solved. It’s just a phase that everyone goes through. And that we just miss being with someone.

    In my blog, I said there that sometimes knowing what you’re looking for has become more of a problem than it is a solution. I realized that the more you focus into this certain something, the more you set yourself to failure. In the end, we should just let it be. As you said, let destiny and life take its own course and we figure later on what to do. Do not anticipate.

    nice one.

    07/12/02 18:07

  38. #5  iloveboom

    Being SINGLE doesnt mean you are lonely too…just enjoy life for whatever it is..WORLD PEACE Migs..Hope one day will meet…

    07/12/02 17:57

  39. #4  Clark Can't

    Touché!
    ;-)

    07/12/02 17:53

  40. #3  ewan

    when you just be, you enjoy the now, let the past go and anticipate a future tha is alot fruitful and meaningful…

    when you just be, you become you – honest to goodness, no-holds barred, pure and unadulterated…

    therefore, ill just be…

    salamat migs…

    07/12/02 17:26

  41. #2  justanotherfratboyinthecloset

    Hi migs, I would just like to say that this post is one of your wisest. Most are witty, funny, intellectual, romantic, dramatic, etc. but this… just hits home. Thanks for sharing this. So then… I will “Just be”…
    take care friend!

    COMMENT FROM MIGS: Thank you, justanotherfratboyinthecloset. Let us ‘just be’. And enjoy it!

    07/12/02 16:36

  42. #1  datu, the wilted prune

    i had a quite similar enlightenment last sembreak. i realize then that, in fact, i enjoy being single–to have the room at the boarding house all for myself without the nuisance of roommates, to cook my own pasta, to nibble on fridge-cold Kenny Roger’s corn muffins, to just talk and laugh at myself. these seem to you (as well as to the average MGG reader) mababaw and borders psychopathy, but it taught me a very valuable lesson. Instead of procrastinating over something you don’t have at the moment (i.e. “the special other”), why not enjoy the things at hand that really, really make you happy. it made all the difference to me. :)

    07/12/02 16:30

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