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The Ethic of Reciprocity

2008/02/02Gay Confusion, IssuesTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

MGG reader Tom rants about how the word “bisexual” is being used and abused by some of our fellow beautiful people in the community. I agree with Tom in the sense that we really should call a spade a spade; I somewhat differ in the sense that we should sometimes give our fellow PLUs some slack — we ourselves know how difficult the process of coming to terms with one’s homosexuality can be, thus this temporary phase of “confusion” is forgivable.

What is unacceptable though is the idea of treating anyone as inferior because of any of these labels, just like what Tom said, which I paraphrase for accuracy: “Sad that some straight people look down upon us in disdain, sadder still that amongst ourselves, we do the same.”

And this goes as much for the out-and-about gay guys bashing the closetted and so-called straight-acting gay guys, as for the butch types bashing “effems.” Guys, let’s all grow up. And let’s help each other grow up as well. Bashing is bashing, and it is simply unacceptable behavior. Let’s open our hearts a bit, look at our brothers in the community peering through the visible outer shell of how they dress up (nakataas ang kuwelyo, ultra-fitting baby tees, naka-skinny jeans, etc.), or how they talk (modulated “tol!”, “pre!”, “bro!”, or the fabulousity of “chuva!” “chenes”, “chenelyn everlu”). Gay, boy, bakla, tomboy — we’re all human beings that deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. With this in mind, we will know how to conduct ourselves as respectable and dignified persons, and we will know too how to treat others appropriately, always observing the ethic of reciprocity, more popularly known as the Golden Rule — “treat others as you would like to be treated.”

* * *

Hi Migs,

I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time, and at first i have to admit, it was because of the half naked men. But after time, I’ve seen past that and now it’s the written content that matters (plus the half naked men). Anyway, I’ve decided to email you just so I can get a few things off my chest. Please forgive the foul language… as I said I am venting.

Gay… What Does It Mean?

I won’t even try to look up the meaning of the word ‘gay’ in the dictionary because that’s not the point.

I don’t know how it is in other countries, but in the Philippines, there are gay men, bisexual men, gay men, and bisexual men. I sound like a broken record, but that was intentional. Apparently, the words gay and bisexual can mean more than just one thing. Let’s define these words as Filipinos see them, shall we…

a) gay – a man/woman who is attracted to the same sex
b) bisexual – a person who is attracted to both sexes
c) gay – a man (note, women not included) who is effeminate
d) bisexual – a man (again only man) who looks and acts straight, but actually only fucks other men.

Now, there may be more definitions out there but I don’t care about those.

It’s definition (d) that really irks me off, because if you look at it logically, it makes no sense whatsoever. How can you be bisexual if you only go for men? Just because they act like a straight guy? Do I even have to spell out what the prefix “bi” means?

Stupid! Insecurities abound!

Now, a lot of guys out there might actually take offense with what I am saying, but let me lay down my cards. I am, simply put, GAY. I am not effeminate nor anything near it, but I will not cast delusions of grandeur that I am bisexual in order to maintain a coolness factor. It does not make me less of a man. You know why? I’m not trying to cover up for anything because I don’t need to.

Now, normally I would just let it slide if I hear someone tell me they’re bisexual. I give them the benefit of the doubt. But when a “bisexual” starts bashing on gay men on the definition that gay men are all effeminate (versus his pa-straight effect), it gives me dreams of me cutting his penis off with a hacksaw… slooowly. Irk me far enough and I could actually do it. Irk me even further, I’ll buy a cat to chew it off. At least then they can claim they’ve had pussy.

You’ll notice I specifically mention a gay basher who’s bisexual. That’s because I was lurking in a chat room and that’s exactly what was going on. That’s reason you’re reading this. And I’m writing this so I can vent instead of going out to buy a cat… I hate cats.

Let’s assume for one moment, that the bisexual man is the real deal… a true blue “I can fuck anyone of you” bisexual. Does that give him the right to bash gay people? Does that make him feel superior? Does it make him feel SECURE? I’m sure it does, and I’m not being sarcastic.

It’s sad. Sad that the straight people look down upon us in disdain, sadder still that amongst ourselves, we do the same. The saddest part is, this happens because some guys just can’t accept that they’re gay and hurt the rest of us in the process.

Warmest regards,
Tom

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  1. #40  1st_tymer

    a real bi or str8 acting guys dont need to act like str8 kc nature nayun.. mas ang sagwang tingan if we act like a faggot, and about sa label mo na bi as gay that just prentndng to be str8 un sila baka iniisip lang nila kung kikilos sila ng gay or effm mababastos lang sila dahil narin yun sa pananaw ng mga filipino sa mga gay kaya d mo masisi na mag tago sila dahil narin yun sa history ng gay before, gay before just used to be a comdian and tipong pang lower class lang, pero now nag bago na pang world class na pero d parin nagbabago ang pananaw ng filipino para sa bagay na yanm, kaya leave them alone kung ano gusto nila gawin un nayun and no need to buy a cat and cut their penis, just mind ur own self kung masya sila don d dun sila,

    kung ikaw ba papipiliin to act like a lady pero araw araw kang nababastos sa kalye or u act likea str8 to get enough respect from them so ano pipiliin mo?

    09/03/29 14:46

  2. #39  Andy DuShane

    In the USA there is a similar (non-reciprocation) type.. it derives from “Prison Sex”… These ‘macho’ guys will get a blow job or have anal sex with a ‘fem’ (fagot, sissy, or anyone weaker than they are) and not consider themselves ambisexual or homosexual. As in “Just because i LET [emphasis mine] him suck my cock doesn’t make me a ‘fag’!”
    so STUPID.. behavior is behavior, the circumstances are without merit.

    08/03/29 15:59

  3. #38  hustlingmind

    I am gay. I am married to a woman and I dont give a damn coz I’m hot or at least my lover told me so. Enough of labelling!

    08/02/13 15:54

  4. #37  Storm

    Commendations to you, Tom, for a well-written vent/ comment. This is a sad reality that a lot of our, let’s just say, more effeminate members experience from the so-called straight-acting, bi-discreet (both terms very loosely-used)type of our community. If they want to end up in bed with someone who is more ‘butch’, then say it as it is. No one needs to re-define the term bisexual just to make themselves more sexually attractive to their prospects. I wish it were so easy to hand each of these “pretenders” a bottle or can of Sprite and advice them: “Magpakatotoo ka.”

    08/02/12 18:37

  5. #36  ceps

    Webster’s Dictionary clearly states:

    •homosexuality `howmu’sekshoo’alitee
    A sexual attraction to persons of the same sex

    •homosexual `howmu’sekshooul
    Someone who practices homosexuality; having a sexual attraction to persons of the same sex

    •gay gey
    See: homosexual

    •bisexual bI’sekshooul
    A person who is sexually attracted to both sexes

    Hence, all bisexuals are homosexuals but not all homosexuals are bisexuals. This is because homosexuality isn’t defined as “A sexual attraction to persons of the same sex ONLY.” There isn’t any exclusivity. Therefore bisexuals can also be called as gays.

    Simple logic! End of debate!

    So next time you here people say their bisexual, you can simply reply: “Aah, so gay ka pala.” =)

    08/02/08 15:31

  6. #35  erriccastro

    from someone straight: i have nothing against guys/bisexuals, gays, etc… or whatever sexual preference they’ve chosen. the only thing that bothers me, i guess is that, knowing that the different categories for gays are very confusing.
    we know that different people have different tendencies of being gay (cross dressers, straight-acting, effeminate in terms of character and some that haven’t dared to come out of the closet). what im getting at is that we can give all the respect to a person (to whatever point it could get) but sometimes, they use their gay personality in changing our perspective about that person.
    they tend to abuse that gay persona in getting what they want (and what do they want?: knowing whatever they are, gives them that feeling of being on a different plane, which we can not get in synch with or comprehend) and knowing that we can not comprehend, we tend to let it pass but knowing that there are a lot of gay individuals out there, even they tend to encounter friction between themselves.
    let’s make it simple: i am a straight guy who stumbled upon your blog because of my gay friend (who was reading aloud and caught my attention). i personally don’t have anything against “gays”. the only thing that bothers me, and i believe is also the reason why people are having difficulties understanding “gays” is because you live lives in a certain/different way/plane from the rest of the heterogeneous population and that you yourselves (”gay”), clash within that certain plane. at some point, this may also be the reason why people have a difficulty accepting your existence because they can not understand. if gays are able to co-exist in that certain “plane”, and that you are able to present yourselves to the community and in using one common denominator, there would not be any demeaning/demoralizing connotations agains gays. i just hope that at some point you’d be able to do or co-exist or to find that “co-existence” and make other people understand the lives you live coz knowing that this generation is changing and also diversifies, i believe there would be a time this will all pass away.
    so that the next generation would view this one as a triumphant victory. let’s try to make the next generation co-exist with one another, starting with ourselves and not to live the “war” against each other. again – world peace…

    08/02/08 10:57

  7. #34  dee

    additional: tayo na lang ang positive sa mundong to. . so yeah, let’s spread the love! life’s too short to waste on bashing other people. “ka-federashyon” at that.. be positive!

    08/02/06 23:26

  8. #33  dee

    this is my first time to comment. this post could not be any truer. kudos, migs!

    08/02/06 23:23

  9. #32  Mel tan

    Bisexual cguro cla kasi pumapatol cla sa bakla at sa straight na nalilibugan lang. Those are two different genders, right? Lolz

    08/02/06 12:41

  10. #31  Pronghorn

    I started my anti-discrimination campaign by throwing away the labels. There is no room for discrimination in a world without “sides”.

    “Hot or not” is something more direct, fluid, and honest rather than “gay or straight”.

    Besides, being inclined to political correctness, “gay,” “bi,” and “straight” are too messed up to exist in my vocabulary. Give these labels up! Start seeing people as people.

    08/02/06 06:54

  11. #30  Kabul Guy

    I think the word that ic an refer to that is Egalitarian – equality in all aspects. Regardless of who u are and what u are, you have to be treated equal.

    08/02/04 17:16

  12. #29  sire_lee

    well sabi nga ng iba. ilan nlng nga daw tau eh ng aaway pa. unite na lang to have fun and celebrate. ewan ko nga ba qng bakit may levellings pa ang pagiging gay eh isa lang nmn ang sangkabaklaan dba!!! gay power unite nlng!!!

    08/02/04 16:58

  13. #28  drklyt

    back in the summer of 2003 may nakachat ako na schoolmate ko. so siyempre tanungan ng asl,preference ek ek. ang sabi nya sakin, dicreet bi siya then nagpakita sa webcam… so ok… kinabukasan habang naglalakad ako papasok sa skul, i quickly recognized his face coming down from on of the ramp of intramuros… ampotah, pang-fashion show ang lakad!! talo si tyra banks!!

    08/02/04 16:12

  14. #27  Saipanot y Saipandak

    may ganung fucktor!!!

    Huwag nang mag-away-away pa!!!

    Let’s spread the peace and love in this world.

    Life is so short!!!

    Have a nice day!!!

    08/02/04 16:01

  15. #26  amikus

    pahabol. i think bisexuals are gay in the same sense that they (we) are attracted to fellow men. the difference lies in being “exlusively” attracted to men (homosexual) or not (bisexual).

    08/02/04 11:31

  16. #25  amikus

    amen. amen. and amen.

    i completely agree. i hate it when gay men call themselves bisexuals when in fact they are only attracted to men. there is no need for gay bashing from fellow “true” bisexuals though. i apologize for their stupidity, if ever.

    i know some gay men who are not effeminate but not hiding under the cloak of supposed bisexuality. and i find it cool. hurray to gay men who can kick butts. and to everyone, of course. let’s all celebrate life.

    [hi migs (am i allowed to call you migs?) it's my first time to post here. cool! and since it's my first time, may i be allowed to greet my almost two years hubs desu who introduced me to mgg? thanks. rock on!]

    COMMENT FROM MIGS: Welcome to MGG amikus! Enjoy!

    08/02/04 11:28

  17. #24  taylor

    i once got a message from guys4men. my profile lists me as gay.this guy said ” sayang gay ka, guwapo ka pa naman at mukhang lalaki.”…. such IGNORANCE.

    08/02/04 09:45

  18. #23  george

    Ayan na naman po tayo, “bisexual” men are in denial. we don’t want the world to be cut between ‘men’ and ‘women’ only, but here we are trying to cut ‘our’ world between gay and not gay.

    i am not actually sure what the letter’s main argument is — is it to say that he abhors those who claim to be ‘bisexual’ and yet bash those who simply call themselves ‘gay’, or is it to question the very core meaning of what ‘bisexual’ — that it is really an illusion? Whatever it is, I symphathize with him if he argues only for the first one, but I disagree on the second.

    If some of you guys cannot imagine fucking women, then does that make you the ‘real’ gay? Bisexual men — and I do not wish to speak in absolute terms because of the letter-sender’s concerns above (and I agree with him there) — are also gay, but they are different from those who simply profess sexual attraction towards fellow men. Conflicted identities — men and women of whatever gender and sexual preference define who we are.

    World peace? No bashing, no condescending remarks, no unfounded claims — that’s what we need.

    08/02/04 09:05

  19. #22  chuchucaracas

    nako para lang yang lipstick. iba-ibang kulay may galing japan pero lipstick parin kahit sabihin lip shiner siya.

    personally kung sasabihin mong bisexual ka pero hindi ka bakla isang kagaguhan yun.

    08/02/04 07:39

  20. #21  KittyQT

    BADING or NOT BADING, that is the question. Kung meron mang in-between, siya ay isang ‘OR’. screeeeeeeechhhhhh…

    08/02/04 07:20

  21. #20  sapphire

    feeling ko ideal yung sinasabi ni migs, pero may point pa rin siya na, we could try not to bash the gays (str8 looking, effem l etc. etc.) that seem to be far different from us. in order for us to be accepted by the society, let start first by accepting the diversity of homosexuality.

    08/02/03 22:23

  22. #19  anton maton

    ayaw ko na sanang ulitin … MAGPAKATOO KAYO MGA SISTERS!!! ….

    kunyari in denial pa. leche.

    ever the tunay na tunay,

    anton maton

    08/02/03 21:07

  23. #18  Jigen Riztag

    The term has long been abused, misused and misconstrued by uninformed and ignorant persons. These persons cannot muster enough courage to accept the fact that they are truly gay and not bisexual. A gay guy cannot say he is bisexual if he is not physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to a member of the opposite sex. He is homosexual and it is only his fear and ignorance which keep him from embracing the reality without any reservations. I am gay and I am not bisexual, but I have a crush on Gwen Garci.

    08/02/03 14:48

  24. #17  durrty

    Ok. This, I noticed in Yahoo chatrooms. I always told each and everyone of them when I’m introducing myself that I’m gay. But when I ask them, they would say that they’re bisexual. It’s like 9 in every 10 of them would say that. What is it with being Bisexual? What makes them feel attractive?! I don’t know why they think it’s appealing? Ok let me think, maybe it’s making them more manly! By stripping off their gayness, they make themselves more masculine. That way people would think that this particular dude is straigth-acting… when that’s no the reality. It’s sad that they’re denying that… Unless there’s a good reason (e.g. they feel more accepted, status in life, culture).

    08/02/03 13:51

  25. #16  chiko

    Korek At Malaking Check!Bakla Pa Rin Ang Tamang Term Or Gay Or Homo!Maaring Discreet Ang Isang Bakla Pero Di Ibig Sabihin Nun Ay Bi Sya Or Bisexual Kung Saan Halaw Ang Salitang Bi .Pero Sobrang Misused Ang Katagang Ito Sa Panahon Ngayon Na Alam Naman Natin Na Di Siya Nagkakagusto O Tumitikim Man Ng Babae E Ang Lakas Ng Loob Sabihing Bi Sila.Hay Naku Isang Maliwanag Na Lang Na Example Ay Isang Kaibigan Kong Nurse Na Kahit Anong Gawin Ay Pinagpipilitan Niyang Bi Siya E Sa Edad Nyang 40 E Di Pa Man Lang Nagkagusto Sa Babae At Nagkarelasyon Man Lang O Nakatikim Man Lang Kahit Out Of Curiosity Na Lang Tapos Bi Daw Siya Pag May Nakaka Chat Siya.Sabi Ko Sa Kanya Tigilan Na Nya Pag Gamit Ng Salitang Bi Siya Kasi Di Naman Sia Nagkakagusto Man Lang Sa Babae At Wala Siyang Balak Kasi Tanggap Naman Siya Ng Tatay Nyang Pulis At Kaisa Isang Kapatid Nya Na Tomboy Naman.Kaya Please Sa Mga Gumagamit Ng Salitang Bi,Kundi Rin Lang Naman Kayo Nagkaka Crush Sa Babae O Nalilibugan Sa Babae ,Dont Ever Use That Term Anymore Because You Are Considered Bakla ,Homo Or Gay!Period!

    08/02/03 13:26

  26. #15  Edu

    personally i think there is a difference between one who is attracted to the same sex (straight-acting) and an effemminate freakin’ faggot. I actually am insulted by the term “straight-acting.” you can not compare the two. a faggot is… well… a faggot. those stereo-typical beauty-parlor cross-dressers. If you call those as “bading” then it is unfair to refer to someone who’s only similarity is the preference for male companionship.

    at the end of the day i look at it as the way people acti in society… remember that even in the straight world there are various degrees of normalcy to freakazoid.

    08/02/03 12:07

  27. #14  jet

    well said. : ]
    ‘
    its true that some gay people dont accept what they really are and use the term “bisexual” to sound more appealing to others.
    ‘
    this goes out to all the “paminta” out there
    ‘
    and im not into bashing too. its just that ive known some “pamen” who look down on us as if theyre not one of us. and it really ticks me off

    08/02/03 10:02

  28. #13  chino pacia

    booooring

    08/02/03 08:08

  29. #12  milo

    most of us have fears and prejudices within us. we fear of the label that others call us but we judge others the way we see them almost always what comes first into our minds.

    we owe each others respect to make things work in this complicated community.

    08/02/03 05:35

  30. #11  jimg29

    Oh my herpes… all these concepts and labellings are a riot…ain’t it so my hilarries

    08/02/02 23:42

  31. #10  mikel

    korek!! mga ahmbeziyozang bakla ang mga BISEXUAL-daw..
    oo, tama sila.. lalake sila..
    lalake ang gusto nila…
    bat ba hindi nyo matanggap na bading kayo .. may nalalaman pa kayong BI eh lalake lang naman ang pinapatos nyo..

    08/02/02 22:35

  32. #9  Fernando IX

    some are still in denial. they don’t accept the reality that they’re also gay. they hide themselves under the “bisexual” title but they just wanna get screwed by other men.

    i call myself gay — straight-acting that is… i’ve fucked girls, yes, but im still gay.

    08/02/02 20:39

  33. #8  insane

    Bisexuality. Yes it has been misused a lot. (For reasons already aforementioned.) But there really are bisexuals. It’s something psychology has proven to be existent. So for those who challenge this, yeah, go contest Freud. Let’s see if you can. :)

    08/02/02 20:07

  34. #7  TJAY

    hi migs,
    i do agree with tom sobra miss used ang label n bi. actually nasa culture na ata natin ito pati mga titles ganun din.
    in my own opinion, which sometimes i get into heated discussion, there are only 2 types of people straight at homosexual people. i don’t believe in bi sexuals coz u can not be sexually attracted to both equally (50/50). guys lahat tayo BADING.. love you pare… he he he

    08/02/02 18:17

  35. #6  Eugene

    It’s everywhere! It’s happening here in Cebu as well. I think [most gay] guys label themselves as “bi” because they think it’s much more appealing to other [gay] guys. The term “Gay” now apparently is associated with the campy ones ONLY, while “Bi” is with the “discreet-dude-bro-yo-sup?” kind. I agree with Tom and Tony. This mislabeling is a reflection of how other members of our community shamefully disassociate themselves from the rest. Tayo tayo na nga lang, and yet we do this to each other. Sana kasi, accept na nila sarili nila. Once they do, they will learn to accept others as well. Then we become one big happy and gay family!

    08/02/02 16:26

  36. #5  Angel

    Bisexual ang ginagamit na term ng mga kabataang baklang Filipinong malalakas ang loob na amining nakikipagtalik sila sa kapwa nila lalaki, malalakas ang loob ngunit hindi pa handang tanggapin na sila ay isang bakla, kaya “bisexual” muna ang tawag nila sa kanilang sarili. Ang “bisexuality” ay wala sa kulturang Filipino, kung meron man ay napaka-liit na porsiento. Nagamit lang ang salitang ito dahil nga “malalakas” na ang loob ng mga kabataang bakla sa panahong ito.

    Hindi “titulo” or “label” ang problema ng mga bakla sa Pilipinas, kung hindi ang “ugali/kultura” ng mga Filipino. Sadyang bulgar, bastos at mababaw ang pag-iisip ng karamihang Filipino. Kaya’t hindi na nakakapagtaka na ang mga bakla na pare-pareho namang titi ang gusto ay hindi magkasundo-sundo dahil lamang naiiba ang pananamit, galaw, hubog, kulay at estado sa lipunan ng ibang bakla kaysa sa kanila.

    Girl, boy, bakla, tomboy, “respeto” lamang ang kailangan sa bawat isa. Kung hindi ka naman derechong nasasagasaan ng isang tao, ano man ang kulay o kanyang kasarian, manahimik ka na lang.

    Pero jusko, asa pa tayo, pare que pa naging bakla kung hindi mataray!

    08/02/02 16:24

  37. #4  wakamaru™

    i don’t know if there’s a difference, i think there’s none..for me, if you’re a straight guy, you are really straight and you go for girls. if you’re gay, it just means you like other guys.

    sometimes i feel like the so-called “bisexual” guys are in a state of denial. why fool yourselves, aminin na kasi..you are gay! saying that you’re bisexual doesn’t make u better than the rest of us..pare-pareho lang tayo.

    so, with that in mind i say, i am gay. cheers to all of us!

    08/02/02 14:38

  38. #3  peppoi

    Natawa naman ako dun… we’re all such Drama queens who wants to be heard…=)

    08/02/02 12:57

  39. #2  Tony

    This is also a pet peeve of mine. Bisexual (and metrosexual) are the two most misused words in Manila.

    I’ve heard Butch (straight-acting) gay men call effeminate gay men derogatorily as “fagots”. They don’t realize that they are putting themselves down as well.

    This is really I think a form of internalized hate and fear that they just project to other people. Such a shame.

    08/02/02 12:19

  40. #1  ernesto

    for me no such thing as a gay guy turn into a straight guy it’s impossible…

    08/02/02 12:02

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