To tell, or not to tell… to die everyday, or to take the leap with the risk of getting forever bruised by unrequited love… hay, ang pag-ibig nga naman. A reader who calls himself “bad habit’s victim” engages us with his typical yet sincere story. A former teacher falls for his former student. Read on, dears, and share your thoughts.
For starters, I must say that your blog is truly a haven of respite from all the weariness and desolation, most especially the eye candies you regularly feature notwithstanding the varied stories from your followers. This is where I am actually taking off. Your blog is not just a site where we could view the most pleasing male species but it is also a venue where one could just bare his story, his soul, his despairs and anguish, in the hope that somehow, somewhere, from your insights and from the others, he could arrive at some liberating answers.
I have fallen so deeply, clumsily, and crazily in love with a guy whom I call “bad habit”. Heeding from that somewhat familiar song, he’s definitely a hard habit to break. I’ve been trying to break away from it but the more I do, the messier I become. I believe my tale, though somehow typical, is a difficult one. Here’s the catch: I’m 26 years old, bad habit’s 18. I’m his former teacher, he’s my former student. I am not out. I am only to my closest friends, my lifelines.
Started as a Fondness
I started teaching right after graduation in 2002 and he was part of the first batch I handled during my first year of teaching. His group of friends became so close to me after their freshman year in high school. The closeness has gone stronger especially now that they’re in college. I had no sort of attraction towards him back then although I was already fond of him. And that was just it. He was only a fondness and he really didn’t matter especially since I was in a relationship then. I must admit that our relationship now has already transcended the teacher-student bounds. He and his group are more of a barkada to me as I am to them. Every now and then, we go out, watch a movie, eat out, and have some fun. During those times, bad habit continued to remain only as a fondness and the closeness between us persisted. It was in May last year that I started to move beyond just fondness. We went out on an outing and spent an entire night together, with our other friends of course. That time, I was not in a relationship anymore and my heart was void. During that sojourn, we played around and had a lot of fun, a retirement from all the pressures at school and work. He was even wrestling with me at the pool and pulled me along at the beach.
“I Die Everyday”
I have fallen for him and I have been suppressing it all this time. I am counting the moons and it will already be almost a year in May since I have fallen. I am facing rough times. I always try to flush him out of my system but I could not. Whenever he texts me, I respond. Whenever he visits me, I accommodate him. Whenever he needs help, I am there at his aid. Whenever he needs someone to talk to especially if he’s having problems with his girlfriend, I receive him. When our group goes out, he’s always there. At the end of it all, I hurt, I die everyday. And I’ve been dying for almost a year. I want to live again. I want to get over him.
On the subject of his sexuality, I am not sure if he’s straight to which my friends believe he’s not even if he has a girlfriend. I am not certain how they came up with that assumption because my radar seem to have gone bonkers with him. But I knew, that we had our “moments” (glances at each other, being alone in a cab and seated closely, spending time with me alone, etc., etc.). He’s also one narcissistic guy, posing in different angles (with matching pouty lips) and half-naked (in his Friendster account!). Well, he does have the right to do it because he is a hottie! He’s an athlete, by the way.
“Should I Tell Him?”
Now, the only way I think that I could move on is if I tell him. However, some of my friends are holding me back. They say that I shouldn’t because I still am his former teacher and to make matters worst, I am now part of the university management. I would always rebuke them by saying that he’s no longer my student, he’s not in high school anymore and we’re close friends. Some friends say that I should tell him so I can finally end this vicious cycle. One of my friends even told me that I should not love secretly as I may be loved secretly as well and that would be very sad.
In December 2007, I attempted to get rid of him and put an end to my struggle. I gave him a gift which for me was my “closure”. I changed my ways and gave him a cold shoulder. He texted me and asked me if I was okay. On Christmas Day, he said he was sorry and I asked him why. I was masungit daw kasi. My heart cringed and I told him I was sorry for being masungit. I went back to zero. I felt pity towards him because I knew it was unfair for me to treat him that way. Now, we’re back to the usual, texting and hanging out. We even watched a concert last week. We even jogged together. We talk a lot again and I am hating it because I am falling deeper. As I put it, he really is a bad habit.
Help From The Heavens
I have actually sought divine providence. The first time I went to church to pray for my situation, the gospel reading came from his namesake. A week after, I went to the same church and the gospel reading came again from his namesake. To top it all off, it said “the truth shall set you free”. I think the Big Man up there is already telling me something.
Now, I believe that I have to act on it. But I need to muster enough courage to do it. Not that I am not trusting divine counsel, but shall I tell him or shall I continue to die everyday?
With all my sincerest thanks,
bad habit’s victim