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To tell, or not to tell…

2008/03/17Issues, Love and DatingTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

To tell, or not to tell… to die everyday, or to take the leap with the risk of getting forever bruised by unrequited love… hay, ang pag-ibig nga naman. A reader who calls himself “bad habit’s victim” engages us with his typical yet sincere story. A former teacher falls for his former student. Read on, dears, and share your thoughts.

* * *

Hi Migs,

For starters, I must say that your blog is truly a haven of respite from all the weariness and desolation, most especially the eye candies you regularly feature notwithstanding the varied stories from your followers. This is where I am actually taking off. Your blog is not just a site where we could view the most pleasing male species but it is also a venue where one could just bare his story, his soul, his despairs and anguish, in the hope that somehow, somewhere, from your insights and from the others, he could arrive at some liberating answers.

I have fallen so deeply, clumsily, and crazily in love with a guy whom I call “bad habit”. Heeding from that somewhat familiar song, he’s definitely a hard habit to break. I’ve been trying to break away from it but the more I do, the messier I become. I believe my tale, though somehow typical, is a difficult one. Here’s the catch: I’m 26 years old, bad habit’s 18. I’m his former teacher, he’s my former student. I am not out. I am only to my closest friends, my lifelines.


Started as a Fondness

I started teaching right after graduation in 2002 and he was part of the first batch I handled during my first year of teaching. His group of friends became so close to me after their freshman year in high school. The closeness has gone stronger especially now that they’re in college. I had no sort of attraction towards him back then although I was already fond of him. And that was just it. He was only a fondness and he really didn’t matter especially since I was in a relationship then. I must admit that our relationship now has already transcended the teacher-student bounds. He and his group are more of a barkada to me as I am to them. Every now and then, we go out, watch a movie, eat out, and have some fun. During those times, bad habit continued to remain only as a fondness and the closeness between us persisted. It was in May last year that I started to move beyond just fondness. We went out on an outing and spent an entire night together, with our other friends of course. That time, I was not in a relationship anymore and my heart was void. During that sojourn, we played around and had a lot of fun, a retirement from all the pressures at school and work. He was even wrestling with me at the pool and pulled me along at the beach.


“I Die Everyday”

I have fallen for him and I have been suppressing it all this time. I am counting the moons and it will already be almost a year in May since I have fallen. I am facing rough times. I always try to flush him out of my system but I could not. Whenever he texts me, I respond. Whenever he visits me, I accommodate him. Whenever he needs help, I am there at his aid. Whenever he needs someone to talk to especially if he’s having problems with his girlfriend, I receive him. When our group goes out, he’s always there. At the end of it all, I hurt, I die everyday. And I’ve been dying for almost a year. I want to live again. I want to get over him.

On the subject of his sexuality, I am not sure if he’s straight to which my friends believe he’s not even if he has a girlfriend. I am not certain how they came up with that assumption because my radar seem to have gone bonkers with him. But I knew, that we had our “moments” (glances at each other, being alone in a cab and seated closely, spending time with me alone, etc., etc.). He’s also one narcissistic guy, posing in different angles (with matching pouty lips) and half-naked (in his Friendster account!). Well, he does have the right to do it because he is a hottie! He’s an athlete, by the way.


“Should I Tell Him?”

Now, the only way I think that I could move on is if I tell him. However, some of my friends are holding me back. They say that I shouldn’t because I still am his former teacher and to make matters worst, I am now part of the university management. I would always rebuke them by saying that he’s no longer my student, he’s not in high school anymore and we’re close friends. Some friends say that I should tell him so I can finally end this vicious cycle. One of my friends even told me that I should not love secretly as I may be loved secretly as well and that would be very sad.


Cold Shoulder

In December 2007, I attempted to get rid of him and put an end to my struggle. I gave him a gift which for me was my “closure”. I changed my ways and gave him a cold shoulder. He texted me and asked me if I was okay. On Christmas Day, he said he was sorry and I asked him why. I was masungit daw kasi. My heart cringed and I told him I was sorry for being masungit. I went back to zero. I felt pity towards him because I knew it was unfair for me to treat him that way. Now, we’re back to the usual, texting and hanging out. We even watched a concert last week. We even jogged together. We talk a lot again and I am hating it because I am falling deeper. As I put it, he really is a bad habit.


Help From The Heavens

I have actually sought divine providence. The first time I went to church to pray for my situation, the gospel reading came from his namesake. A week after, I went to the same church and the gospel reading came again from his namesake. To top it all off, it said “the truth shall set you free”. I think the Big Man up there is already telling me something.

Now, I believe that I have to act on it. But I need to muster enough courage to do it. Not that I am not trusting divine counsel, but shall I tell him or shall I continue to die everyday?

With all my sincerest thanks,
bad habit’s victim

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  1. #37  Pathetic Mentor

    I share your viewpoint Sir. I also find myself in the same predicament. I have fallen for a number of my studs ( male students, I mean). It’s like a vicious cycle. It goes on and on. . . What complicates things is when they sense it and start flirting. It drives me loco and tempts me to give in but I always think of the dire consequences. More than my co-teachers’ respect, I cannot afford to lose my job ( the money) and my freedom. God knows how many of our kind have been out of the service and even put to jail for giving in this perverted urge ( love, lust, whatever. Right now, I have an 18 year-old stud with whom I’m crazily in love. He’s been sending the message that he likes me too but whichever way I look at it, I knew it was bound for doom. I’d rather lose him and hurt myself ( small sacrifice huh!)than lose everything I’ve worked for. . .Do I make sense or am I missing something?

    09/03/20 19:28

  2. #36  iam

    puta ka! dinamay mo pa ang diyos sa kalandian mo. wag nang magpa mintik mintik, go na.

    08/04/10 00:08

  3. #35  glenn

    just try to tell

    08/03/30 17:00

  4. #34  jo

    Just enjoy the fact that you’re friends, love him unconditionally. OR Tell him everything, you might be surprised how he’ll react, maybe better than u hope for.. besides u both had a strong foundation, and i’m sure he’s matured enough to deal with these things. Best of Luck.

    08/03/23 01:11

  5. #33  zidro

    Don’t tell, bad habit sees you not only as a teacher but also as a friend. Our professional lives as teachers tell us not to fall in love with our students.
    Find someone to love and put your attention to him. It is going to be difficult but it is a better way to start.

    08/03/22 20:09

  6. #32  lands

    just a side note, there has been a lot of stories of gay gays here falling for the straight (maybe gay too) friend just because they are nice and they would spend time together.
    Question, Aren’t we over-romanticizing things too much? ( did i spell that right? hehe)
    I admit, i do too…
    kya nga i always ask, how do you tell if a friend is into you or if they’re just being a nice FRIEND???
    dont ask me, i dunno too…

    08/03/22 10:11

  7. #31  dnangel

    @perfida limpin:

    anu ka ba??? syempre kasama na yun noh!!
    hehe

    08/03/20 10:48

  8. #30  george

    Go tell him. After all, there were moments when he asked you why you were “masungit”. Tell him of these struggles; I am sure maiintindihan niya yun. Of course, it is not a guarantee that he will fall for you. It is better you say it now, than be continually pained inside. If he walks away, at least you can start the healing process now. If you have much self-respect, then you will survive the emotional ordeal. But who knows, di ba? Just tell him in a professional way. Huwag maging hysterical. After telling him everything, tell him you are ready for him to leave you, if he wants it. Then, tell him “I love you”, then stand, and leave. Di ba, dramatic? hehehe

    08/03/19 12:10

  9. #29  astroboi

    oh come on. don’t waste his respect and friendship. it doesn’t mean if he hangs out with you or may mga supposed imaginary moments kayo it means he’s into you. telling him and then? expecting na maging kayo? tsk tsk.

    dying everyday? just enjoy the moment. oa na yan ah.

    08/03/19 03:12

  10. #28  chuchucaracas

    i think it is best to keep the friendship. sa palagay ko you cannot really love a person if can’t even be friends with him. so kung ano man kilig ang binibigay niya sayo ay i-accept mo na lang and if it is meant to bloom into a different type of friendship edi just let the river flow. choz.

    08/03/18 16:32

  11. #27  perfida limpin

    if he’s such a hottie…d kaya LIBOG LANG YAN? just asking sir…

    08/03/18 07:26

  12. #26  Ric

    Sir,
    I’m a teacher too and I’m also in charge of teachers. In making your decision, do have the following considerations.
    The Legal Aspect – Okay if he’s already 18. Just be sure na wala kang sabit sa batas.
    The Professional Aspect- As a teacher sana it is not right for us to fell in love with our students and yet love knows no boundaries.Just be sure na wala ka rin sabit sa university mo pag nalaman ng lahat. Are you prepared for the consequences? Dapat may plan B ka if ever you will have a relationship with him.
    The Personal Aspect- Friend or Lover, lover or friend? Or are you prepared to lose him both as a lover and a friend with your disclosure. But as the saying goes, “it is better to have loved and lost that to have not loved at all”
    And so after considering all these things, GO TELL HIM. My added advice. Timing. After Holy Week, talk to him seriously, Tell him that you have reflected a lot about yourself, your life, including your relationships. Tell him that you are falling in love with him. Tell him of your struggles for a year, of respecting him in spite of everything. Just be serious about the whole matter in order for you to remain respectable. If he does not return your love, at least your respect for yourself remains.If he does love you, then you will be happy. If he does not, then go on with your life. It will not be easy, but you will resolve so many issues by telling him. Then the truth will set both of you, free.

    08/03/18 07:02

  13. #25  jimg29

    yaman din lamang at kwaresma ang kapanahunan ngayon, hwag mag-atubili at DO TELL ka na, if still in doubt i suggest the following readings: http:www.sexinchrist.com/

    08/03/18 04:52

  14. #24  WinterKing

    mmmm.. I understand what you are saying na magkakagusto sa estudyante. Im a teacher at I admit talaga naman na may nagiging crush kami.
    Subalit, datapwat at kung kinakailangan na maging propesyonal lets try to obesrve this tulad ng ginawa mo. Lets put it this way: teacher ka nya. at alam mo naman na sa oath nating mga teacher eh bawal yun teacher-stud relationship. alam ko maraming nakagawa na and been sucessful. di mo ba naisip na nakakababa yun ng self esteem na ikaw na teacher, former man o still incline sa teaching papaptol ka sa estudyante.

    Im not saying wag mong sabihin. pero you could have fought this long time ago. you are now dealing the fruit and not the root of the problem.

    kung noon pinigil mo yan… sana di complicated buhay mo. He can still approach you na walang malisya na umaandar sa utak mo or what so ever.

    well nandito na eh so sana next time focus ka sa trabajo wag dun sa ibang bagay

    just my thought

    “you are worth not for what you have, not even for who you are but what others have become because of you.”

    08/03/18 00:37

  15. #23  just_like_you

    well i am in the same boat as you. my student and i go to the gym together, eat out a lot, spend a lot of time talking about seemingly useless things. we just connect in so many ways that sometimes, i just wish “he was the one” (yuck sorry cheesefest). however i know this is inappropriate (as he’s still a minor) and that confessing anything to him might traumatize him. as such i just choose to enjoy whatever moments i have with him. hopefully in time, i’ll learn to let go of these feelings. i’m not saying you do the same. i don’t even have any advice for you, unsolicited or otherwise. i just want you to know you are not alone. hehe. good luck! and take care always.

    08/03/17 23:44

  16. #22  Loyalista Mirasol

    Ambisyosa!!!! Yun lang…..Get real darling…Sabihin mo man o hindi, ikaw lang ang nakakaramdam nyan…ano ba yan..kasimple simple…Just concentrate on your work as a teacher….Period!

    08/03/17 23:22

  17. #21  educare

    SIR WAG PO! WAG PO!

    I am a teacher myself and had been to a lot of situations like yours. I go out with them, watch movies, eat together. We are really like more than friends but soon as I get in love with them, MY CONSCIENCE promptly reminds me NO! I am an advocate of NO STUDENT-TEACHER ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.Even if they are already in college this time, respect is still there because I don’t want to take away that respect and values that I taught them. Well, they say you have to let him know, but for me you have to take the other side of the coin. They are not a teacher AS YOU are. I may sound so conservative and morally upright but this is what I believe in as a teacher. I always tell to my gay-bi co teachers ” MAKIPAGRELASYON NALANG KAYO SA IBA WAG LANG SA ESTYUDYANTE NYO” que present student or former student, LET respect remain as you taught them. You might not know baka ma-turn off pa sayo student mo kasi hindi ganun ang pagkakilala nya sayo at baka talagang kuya o tatay lang ang tingin nya sayo. Wag masyadong bigyan ng kulay ang mga magagandang pinapakita sayo… NATUTURUAN PO SIR ANG PUSO PERO ANG RESPETO MAHIRAP NG ITURO ULI.

    Yet, the final decision is for you to decide. UTAK MUNA PO ANG PAIRALIN NYO SIR. Marami naman dyang iba eh baka ma ” SIR WAG PO! WAG PO!” ka pa.

    08/03/17 23:03

  18. #20  bionic_vince

    this is a classic form of pederasty!!hehehe

    08/03/17 22:45

  19. #19  white

    Of course the gospel reading is from the same book (”namesake”). apat lang naman pinanggagalingan ng gospels eh, at di yun nagbabago for a year according to the eucharistic (or whatever) calendar.

    08/03/17 21:34

  20. #18  Sentosapark

    Ung iba kunyari naki2simpatya pero ang habol ay ung frndster ni “bad habit” May balak pa ata kyong agawin sya kay “victim” BAD HABIT tlaga kyo

    08/03/17 20:34

  21. #17  jellygene

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MQsvpPWGmk

    08/03/17 20:24

  22. #16  Clark Can't

    Go tell him already. So what if he doesn’t return your feelings? It’s better that way than getting sick and troubling yourself with the what if questions all the days of your life! Go, go, go!

    08/03/17 20:19

  23. #15  ranmas

    my friend…..

    tell him… and start to live, if he accepts you and love you in return then you are the happiest gay ever, but if he should neglect you then salutation to you for you are a strong gay brother who chooses to take a chance and decided to try.

    Everyone at one point in there lives failed.. even i stumbled and cried…
    but… LIVE TO LOVE, LOVE TO DIE…

    08/03/17 17:46

  24. #14  bisayakodong

    have somebody tell him u love him. hehehe.. isnt that effective sometimes? if u’ve heard he doesnt want ur extra attention, the heck. tell him urself. ahahahaha.. better tell love and fail than not to tell. hmmmm. pahingi ng friendster account at ma kilatis nga… yummmyyyy

    08/03/17 17:29

  25. #13  mykeyohann

    better to tell it. para atleast khit anong mangyari, u did ur part na. bhala na sya. hehehehe!

    08/03/17 17:06

  26. #12  peppoi

    Isabiri (the first comment above) said my exact sentiments; Get rid of the “what if”;
    tell him already; but do it in a nice setting, perhaps a quiet dinner (wag namang bigla kang magtext na “Iloveu actually!!!”); first, appologize for what you are about to say, and explain to him how it happened and then say it…
    gudluck

    08/03/17 16:44

  27. #11  laurel

    it happened to me before…this dying everyday, until one day i decided to tell him. so i could move on…i told him i have fallen for him and if he doesn’t see it that way, i will quietly evaporate from his life..it turned out, he had the same feelings for me too. next month will be our 7th year together.as in TWOGETHER!!!!kasal lang kasi kulang…

    08/03/17 16:09

  28. #10  jet

    anu ung friendster nya?
    ‘
    hahaha.. yun talaga yung tinanong eh :]]
    ‘
    seriously though.. if i were you in that situation.. i’d tell him. wala naman kasing masama kung gagawen mo yun eh.. mas ok pa nga para matapos na den.. although totoo ngang may risks.. e magdedepende naman yun sa kung papaano mo sasabihen sa kanya..
    ‘
    if you say it to him in a “nice, coordinated and with no malice” type of way.. i dont think it would yield as much negativity as you’d think it would..
    ‘
    youve been friends for so long.. hindi pa ba enough “foundation” yun to “buffer” whats gonna happen? : ]

    08/03/17 16:07

  29. #9  name me

    go girl!

    08/03/17 16:00

  30. #8  fatboyslim

    Bad Habit’s Victim,

    Im sure a lot of us are in your shoes, but giving him the cold treatment wont work. Its up to you to decide what you wanna do with ur life.

    I have a bestfriend who I am still in love with ryt now, but this is not about me, its about you. I feel its about time you make urself happy! What do you want? Is it the freedom to love the person and expect him to love you back, or is it just a one-way love affair?

    Its hard to love someone you can not have. It is harder if that person doesnt know how you feel about him. I told my bestfriend that I love him, and his ok with that. You might just be holding back something that should have happened a long time ago.

    Cge ka, baka naghihintay lang sya sayo. Masulot ka pa ng iba dyan!

    Fatboyslim

    PS U said he’s a hottie, whats his friendster account? Can u share it to us??? :-)

    08/03/17 14:28

  31. #7  McVie

    Dear Bad Habit’s Victim: read my full (and a bit long) response here.

    08/03/17 13:48

  32. #6  Tsinitoboy

    I think you already had a go signal from above. Tell him, it can work both ways for you. If he didn’t loved you back, at least you get him out your system and if he also have secret feelings for you, so much the better. Just always pray as you do and ask guidance from above.

    08/03/17 12:30

  33. #5  lordmanilastone

    the fact that he goes out with you a lot of times and you both enjoy many things together provide some enlightenment to your question, you should tell him before he does…dying everyday shouldn’t take you a long time…

    08/03/17 11:28

  34. #4  Carl Ramon

    tell him!!!

    08/03/17 10:15

  35. #3  ako ito

    If you are ready for all the consequences, whether positive or negative then go ahead and tell him.

    As for me, it has been long that you have been together as friends and I think he already knows your sexuality and still he continues to hang out with you.

    I think he is ready to accept you as you are and if you tell him how you feel, I feel that he is open to such a situation.

    As the saying goes, “The truth will set you free”, telling him will free you from all the heartaches and your “dying everyday”.

    Who knows if he feels the same way to you. Go tell him how you feel and as I said before, be ready for the consequences. This might be the start of your new happiness.

    As for him being a former student and now you being part of the administration, I think the morality issue on teacher-student relationship does not apply anymore since you no longer have academic relationship anymore. You have been going out with his kada and nobody in the school administration has called you attention for that matter.

    Again, if I were you, I’ll tell him. Good luck!!!

    08/03/17 10:11

  36. #2  bluehballs

    i almost have the same situation as you are…i almost die everyday! the difference between us is that the guy im in love with is married…we’re very close, spend time together, have lunch together in our place. etc…etc… i dont know how to quit him…it’s like im jake gyllenhaal in brokeback mountain saying “…i wish I knew how to quit you!” I also want to stop my feelings… and yes, everything started when I felt that he was very fond of me-I dont know why until I found myself liking him too and finally, Im in love with him… I didnt tell him yet but I think he knows because he feels…he reciprocates the attention and caring which I admire but the thing is he’s becoming an addiction! I really wish I knew how to quit him.

    08/03/17 09:56

  37. #1  Isaribi

    GO!

    I’d rather do the things that I love and then suffer the consequences later rather than not to do anything at all and then ask my self for eternity the question ‘What if?’

    08/03/17 09:00

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