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On being an honorable gay man

2008/03/22Gay Confusion, Issues, Love and DatingTags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

(Puerto Galera, 22 March 2008.) Whiling away the time before partying last night here in what seems to be the gay ghetto this time of year, gay friends and I were talking about random stuff over spiked Four Seasons. Then, Jim (not his real name), a newcomer to the group decided to open up to us his newfound gay friends. His was an amazing story —

* * *

Jim at 21 got himself a wife. In a family outing with his wife and the wife’s bestfriend, he met what would become his first boyfriend — the husband of his wife’s bestfriend. They continued the secret relationship until the guy had to leave to seek greener pastures as an OFW. Jim did not stop his homosexual activities though. Even while with the wife, Jim had 2 more boyfriends following his first. Recently, 7 years after Jim and wife first got together, they decided to separate due to misunderstandings stemming from, what do you know, work pressure. The gay issue was not even an issue. Two months after the separation, Jim says he’s still trying to win back his wife, saying “sayang naman yung 7 years namin, atsaka gusto ko talagang magka-anak.”

* * *

I don’t intend to write up the “sermon” I delivered to Jim right at that moment, as obviously I have strong opinions about his situation. What I want to say is this –
-
SPARE THE WOMEN.
-
As much as we possibly can, dear fellow gay guys, do not let our confusion lead us to destroying other people’s lives. Understand that straight women need to be with straight men — they deserve to be with them, not you, unless they really know you’re gay when getting it on with you. Honorable gay men are honorable men in the first place. They do what is right, and struggle to avoid what is wrong, without excuses. Prove that being honorable does not depend on which gender you prefer. Prove it with the way you live your life.

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  1. #34  Dave

    After reading some of the comments here, I can’t help but feel FEAR.  Sa ‘Pinas, it’s almost impossible to be talking about being gay, that alone being gay and straightfully married.  It’s not a question of fearing ridicule of being lover’s of men, it’s being unable to uphold the duties of being a man.  If you’re not married and then they would say “Eh kasi bakla”.  I don’t know but just by thinking how these words are spoken, sends chills along my spine.  I never spoke about my sexuality and I felt I never had to.  It might be difficult for people to discern that I am gay, due to the fact that I act straight, speak straight and do things like a straight man should but that doesn’t mean I’m stiff as a ruler.  But I never had to deny.  It just so happens that I’m a gay man, who acts straight.  The letter above sort of side-winds this topic.  Jim probably got side-winded by a choice he could not pass off easily.  We have heard all of the stories regarding people in the closet and that’s just it–they are  just people who spend time in the closet, with coat hangers and mothballs.  When, in fact, there are complications that go along with it than the fear of unfurling the cape.  I firmly believe that we should, as gay people, be responsible enough to be considerate to those people who we aspire to be, namely the women (Even as a gay-straighter, I must admit, I am drawn closer to women.  I regard them as my eternal friends).  We should spare them the pain of deceit.  Likewise, it is also the responsibility of the straight community to spare us from the pain that being gay brings.  I am not saying they should reform us, make us sleep with women, thinking with like it even more than sleeping with Adam.  That’s just doesn’t work like that.  I happen to have read an article regarding a openly gay mixed-martial artist and how he treats his situation admiringly.  More admiringly was the writer of the article who said it was the responsibility of the straight community to give ample recognition, rights and opportunities to those who are gay.  This is very inspiring and sort of losens the knot of stigmatizing gay people as either weak, unable to love as straight people do and generally–well hot blooded animals (which is entirely untrue).  Jim can love, we can give credit to that.  He is gay–another credit for that.  But can we dictate how he should work out his life–errr…well…I’m at a lost for words.  There is no concrete set of rules that we should follow.  As individuals, I guess it would depend upon the strength of how we are able emphatize Jim’s situation or any other people for that matter.  The bottom line is there is no correct suggestion he should follow.  Sure a lot of people get hurt a long the way but they are stronger than that–the strong should help the weak.

    08/11/03 04:46

  2. #33  Carl

    its hard to live alone, but its a lot harder to live with someone and still feel lonely… life is not fair whether you’re gay or straight, if you live in fear of being old alone, you hinder yourself from being really happy, and you end up making your life and OTHERS’ equally miserable… instead of fooling yourself and others by having all the ideals of a straight life(wife, kids, etc.), why not fill your life with friends who understands you no matter what, and find that special someone whom you would really want to spend your life with…

    08/08/13 13:57

  3. #32  raffy M

    I understand about jim’s situation, he was in the critical situation, facing the fact he’s confused. As we go deeper and analyze the situation its realy hard and all of the negative thinking will lead on it.

    Lets make things be simple for jim. Of course we ourselves would like to know more about this and one of a kind homosexual problem although lots of different problems comes along the way. Lets take this as a lesson and this will give us a moral advice very essential and become aware of it. Learn the lesson of others.

    What im saying is simplify the problem. Meaning, we dont know if jim has a immediate family to rely and confide his problem. Let Jim allow himself to release all the pressure, pain, heartache,confusion by himself. After all jim will be the one can solve his problem.

    08/08/09 14:27

  4. #31  hannsen

    It’s not right and it will never be right to destroy someone’s life just because he can’t make up his mind. Spare the women, please lang ha.

    08/05/28 15:37

  5. #30  Mystey man

    Once gay will forever be gay

    08/03/27 15:34

  6. #29  perfida limpin

    gud for u mgay! way to go baby…ummm keep it up?

    08/03/26 21:08

  7. #28  Mgay

    It’s not unfair to the girl as long as honest ka sa kanya sa umpisa pa lang> I told my wife before we got married about me and my past and she understands. Sabi lang niya Sana wag ka ng makipag relasyon sa lalaki which I said yes. I never do it with guys anymore at 5 years na kami and I can say na I am a happily married gay. I can see naman she is happy also. What is very hard is to be alone and lonely lalo pang mahirap pag wala kang ipon, lagot ka na.

    08/03/26 17:21

  8. #27  michaela

    gays can be civilly liable if they get married and not perform their marital duties including regular sex with their wives. they can also be liable for torts and damages arising from failure to comply from marital duties.

    08/03/26 10:53

  9. #26  dark_phoenix

    Point taken Migs! ;-)

    08/03/26 04:29

  10. #25  josh

    talaga, kaya nga i did not get married kc i do believe its very unfair to d girl, unless she knows and understands d whole situation. :(

    08/03/25 19:58

  11. #24  drigo

    at the end of the day we can all rant at what jim did but we should let him be like all other gay husbands or gay guys in the closet. the last thing we need is to be preached when we are in a society that blabbermouths all the time about our so called sinful lifestyle. we showed jim the alternatives and he made a choice.

    08/03/24 22:34

  12. #23  fratboyinthecloset

    Isa lang masasabi ko… MIGS!!! HELP!

    08/03/24 11:00

  13. #22  perfida limpin

    for those who want to continue a life of deception…JUST BE SAFE! you don’t know what you’re giving your poor unsuspecting wives/girlfriends…OR BE READY WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. Pag nagkatulo yan or something even WORSE (and i DONT HAVE TO TELL YOU SISTER) BUKINGKING DIN KAGAGAHAN NYO. Ayt ladies…carry on!

    08/03/23 18:41

  14. #21  chase

    @eldo: do you even know what you’re saying? and yes, we are far different from the straight guys.

    and jimq29, this is also for you.

    08/03/23 15:27

  15. #20  Max

    “Honorable gay men are honorable men in the first place. They do what is right, and struggle to avoid what is wrong, without excuses.”

    That is so correct and we should always respect and think of others.

    08/03/23 09:20

  16. #19  ares in uae

    kalokah kayo lahat!

    I know we have ideas of how one should live somebody’s life, pero tingin ko we dont have the right to judge anyone. Mapuwing sana ng batong kasinglaki ng stonehenge ang unang taong mamuna sa kapwa!

    Ang payo ko lang, maging totoo lang tayo sa ating mga sarili. If people dont accept you for being you, it is their f*****g problem and not yours. Karma is real, mga lola. Whatever you do comes back to you.

    Kalokah talaga. Daming moralista!

    08/03/23 05:00

  17. #18  ranmas

    i couldnt agree more.. to sum it up, if your gay live a gay life, dont pretend or even use other people to cover it up… gay and straight relationship.. never works… pity the wife, shame on jim. Though on the other hand im hoping someday my dream straight guy will love me in return HEHEHEHEHWE.. im a fool for straight men.. i like sex with gay guys but its so hard for me to be inlove with them…. hmmm i wondered. ( this comment is totally contradicting )

    08/03/23 03:38

  18. #17  jimg29

    @eldo ~ APIR! my sentiments exactly. Talaga namang KENGKAY ang hitad nato. Pinasaringan pa AKO. Tignan natin kung sino ANG tunay na MAGINOO.

    08/03/23 01:04

  19. #16  raymund gerard

    naloloka lang ako sa nagsabi jan nang kadulo duluhan is a plea for understanding a selfish guy by condoning is infidelity. the issue here isnt just jim’s infidelity to the wife. the issue here is the 7 year-3 boyfriend lie he’s perpetuated. he’s deceiving her. ang punto lang dito is walang lokhan. walang gulangan dapat.

    08/03/23 00:34

  20. #15  dee

    to eldo: you missed the point, honey. .
    to jim: selfish, selfish. . mag ampon ka na lang..

    08/03/23 00:26

  21. #14  Oliver

    Amen! And wanting to have a baby is a pathetic excuse. I think his wife has a right to know, and being the husband, it is also his responsibility to tell her that he’s gay.
    What he’s doing, in my opinion, is abusing his wife’s trust. Especially when he’s (pardon the term) fucking around on her.
    If he wants a baby that bad, I think he must find a woman who will be willing to do what he requires.

    08/03/22 22:48

  22. #13  perfida limpin

    gusto nyo ba lokohin ng isang BAKLITA ang kapatid ninyong babae? NOT ME…

    08/03/22 21:52

  23. #12  eldo

    kaloka, ang daling sabihin para sa’yo. ano ba ang kaibahan natin sa straight, nangangaliwa din naman sila. Kung gusto lang niyang magkaanak, keri pa rin, basta hindi yun lang ang intensyon niya. pakialamerang hitad ‘tong si migs.

    08/03/22 21:26

  24. #11  Armand

    As gay Filipino men, most of us are guilty of devious machinations by our homosexual mind set; schemes intended to preserve a perception, by the society, of our own male heterosexuality. Nurtured by a homophobic, hypocritical society, the average young Filipino gay male has no recourse but to (1)hide his true sexuality, conform to social norms, and put up a front, (2)be the flamboyant, outwardly feminine male with a nonchalant attitude, or (3)be the timid, social outcast, defenseless against peer ridicule and taunts. It is not surprising that the rate of gay teens committing suicide is higher than the rest of other teen groups in the States.
    These things have to happen:
    1. Social Acceptance
    2. Acceptance of the male homosexual of his own sexuality.
    3. Education and religious tolerance.
    I suspect, as with all significant social changes, that social acceptance will take several generations to complete itself, paralleling the phenomenon of white society’s acceptance of minority (specifically, African -American) rights. However, these three factors will have to be happening side by side to facilitate the evolution process.

    08/03/22 20:58

  25. #10  Joms

    I know a couple of guys who are like him. In my twisted delusions, I could be in a relationship with chicks if I want to, but nah, I’d rather stick to being a homosexual.

    08/03/22 16:52

  26. #9  marco jordan

    if a gay man wants to be in a relationship with a woman FOR WHATEVER REASON, he must divulge his sexual orientation. if he intends to keep seeing men, he must divulge this also. if she is okay with that, then that’s her lookout. but he must lay all his cards on the table.

    08/03/22 15:44

  27. #8  ebe

    we think they don’t know, but they do.
    in the end, may everyone have the strength to hold what is true.

    08/03/22 15:17

  28. #7  dgreatpretendr

    We live our life once. Try to be true and try to be happy, every minute unwasted to pretensions. Jim, with ur open mind i knw ul get through.. Undrstand urself 1st and ul knw d next step. Gud circle of friends wil help u along ur way. But u urself knws what is best for u and what ur wife deserves.. – 09295101510 – 1st timer here.. Regards migz

    08/03/22 14:57

  29. #6  raymund gerard

    i havent written you in a long while. i havent seen a post that evoked as strong passions as i did reading this one. I have to say–NAKAKAIRITA ANG PAGIGING SELFISH NIYANG KAIBIGAN MO.

    im gay. i went through a confused stage. but mygawd—CONFUSION IS NO LICENSE FOR SELFISHNESS—UNDER NO CIRUCMSTANCES.

    ang sama sama ng ugali niya. babalik rin sa kaniya ang kasamaan at kasakiman a pagkaganod niya. hinde niya na inisip yung asawa niya—who deserves to be with someone who will make her happy and who will be truthful to her. ok lang sana if the wife knew—at mapapalampas ko kung sa first BF ni jim eh talagang di niya nasabi sa wife niya. but mygawd—7 years and 3 boyfriends later?! and he still wants kids with this wife? whats your excuse?
    ang kapal ng mukha mo mo jim! ang kapal kapal kapal ng mukha mo! hayup ka.

    anong nagawa sa iyo ng babaeng iyan? pinikot ka ba niya? she had better made you pikot because nothing would come close as an acceptable excuse to 7 years of lies! and the deception continues.

    youre obviously way past confused already- you already know who you are. why did you have to deceive her? why did you have to be selfish.

    jim, matakot ka sa diyos—not because youre gay—but because manloloko ka. niloko mo ang isang walang kamuwang muwang—you thought only of your happiness.

    when you got past your confusion—you witholding information from your wife just turned to deception.

    you otta be shot dead.

    08/03/22 13:46

  30. #5  Clark Can't

    Amen ako nyan! Based from my own personal experience, totoo lahat ang sinasabi mo about how an honorable gay man should live his life. Para sa akin rin, I respect those who know they are gay but who live a straight life, with wives and kids but never had any homosexual acts with another guy or even think about guys when masturbating and having sex with their wives. Haha. I’m not sure. I guess it’s just my imagination. Di ako sigurado if may mga taong ganito sa mundo or maybe I am just making illusions. Basta, the point is nakakasuka ang magkunwari and live a double-life. Oo nga naman, spare the women, bakla! :P

    08/03/22 13:12

  31. #4  chase

    i agree. women – straight women don’t deserve to be in a relationship where a guy tries to hide his true sexual preference just because he doesn’t accept himself as a gay guy. c’mon guys, be proud of your sexuality. we’re gays, and we are born to be gay and proud. we are entitled with it!

    but somehow i understand him, but fooling a girl just because you want to have a baby of your own? that’s like so unfair for the girl.

    08/03/22 12:36

  32. #3  chi,kadora

    Amen! Actually, hindi nakakapang hinayang ung 7 years nila kasi it was in the first place, all lies (maybe not all of it pero a HUGE part of it!). In that 7 years puros pagpapanggap ang ginawa nya. Tha saddest part is hindi lang yung wife nya ang niloloko nya kundi pati ang kanyang sarili.

    Siguro, kung gusto talaga nyang makipag-balikan sa wife nya, i-open nya yung totoong pagkatao nya tanggapin man sya o hindi ang importante naging honest sya. Besides, hindi naman biro ang 7 years.

    Have great weekend!

    @Migs, thanks po for gracing my blog with you presence. hihihihi

    08/03/22 10:36

  33. #2  pumpkinpie

    how many gays here like jim? i understand him.

    08/03/22 08:48

  34. #1  Seventh Gecko

    I think you’re right. Wawa naman ung girl partner. Paano na ung kaligayahan nila? Gay guys just need to be true sa mga sarili nila.

    08/03/22 08:47

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