There are so many names for confusion, well because it is confusion. Here’s a letter from Rico, a confused guy who, according to him, seems to swing from homo to hetero to homo and back — just like a pendulum. Read on, and feel free to share your thoughts.
Migs,
Since pre-school I was called bayot, bading, bakla, etc. because of the way I walk and talk back then. I was bullied in school because of that. But I had never felt attracted to the same sex then. I play dolls with my older sister but I only play them because I like to write and scribble around the dolls’ bodies. I also play robots and video games with my cousins. I thought nothing was wrong with me. I had girlfriends since first year high school. This time, I do not walk and talk like a fag anymore because of puberty, I guess, and I trained my self not to act like one. But deep inside me, I really thought I’m not gay. I fantasize women. I started masturbating when I was in my sophomore year. I am into “straight” internet porn. I had a sexual encounter. But when I accidentally saw a naked man while searching for internet porn, I suddenly became aroused. Much more aroused when I see naked women. And then I started to stick to naked men. I get erections when I see actual naked men. And I asked myself for many times, “Am I gay?” And the odds started to sink into my mind.
My dad is a pastor and my mom is a preacher. My grandmother owns a chapel. I grew up in a very happy family. They raised me well and they taught me good values. I was running for Valedictorian. I am the president of the Student Council. This will ruin my reputation. This will ruin my family’s reputation.
But I accepted the fact then that there is a huge possibility that I might be gay. My classmates quite noticed that I am not into relationships anymore and that I am now more close to my girl classmates than the guys. I had my last relationship during 4th year because I was an ass and I reasoned out that I don’t love her anymore. I never loved her, just tested if I still am into chicks.
Then I told myself that I really am gay but I would be much happier if I don’t come out because it just won’t work. My family are literally men of God. I grew up in churches. I am gay but I don’t want to be gay.
And now in college, two of my blockmates fell in love with me. I want to tell them the truth but I know once I tell one person, the real thing about me would eventually spread.
Last night I was just surfing the internet. I grew tired of Internet porn so I am not into that anymore. That was what I thought. But when I saw a couple of Angel Locsin’s mag pics in Maxim posted at flesh asia daily. She’s not even naked, but I really really got aroused. I searched again for more Angel Locsin photos and I ended up masturbating. And now I am more confused than ever. Am I not gay anymore? Is this a cycle? Are gays out there also aroused to straight porn? Because now I am coming back to straight porn, but I also go once in a while to see naked men. And I also get aroused. I really need advices in dealing with these confusion, the odds in my family, and in coming out or becoming straight.
Your reader,
Rico
Possibly Related Posts:
- “I want to be normal!” Mark of Cebu is one confused guy. He says,...
- The Allure of a Dark, Little Closet Hi Migs, I don’t know what made me send this...
- “Bi” the way, I’m gay Confused Brian mistakes Migs as a no-fee psychiatrist for gay/bi...
- “I want to be straight!” Chinito, an MGG reader, sent this letter, and is asking...
- “No Man Is An Island.” hi migs, im bob and im 23 years old. i...
