The Allure of a Dark, Little Closet

2008/07/21Gay Confusion, Issues, Migs SpeaksTags: bisexual, cam, closet, dance, friend, gays, girl, joke, letter, Men, relationship, relationships, religion, sex, teacher

Hi Migs,

I don’t know what made me send this letter to you. I can say that I’m a fan of your site- a regular visitor. I have read a lot of letters from your readers, and I must say I can pretty much relate to some of them.

My dilemma starts with me, being gay, in a “Christian” family. It’s hard; I grew-up attending Sunday school, I even became a Sunday-school teacher myself, and sometime in my life thought of becoming a pastor, but I know something is different with me.

Everything is extra-difficult for me. Until now, I still don’t want to admit to myself that I have a different perspective when it comes to sexual preferences. I don’t even entertain thoughts that will lead to admitting that I am gay. I would rather call myself a bisexual, but I know, bisexual or gay, a person like me is not accepted in the “Christian” world.

I have nothing against my religion, my belief, or the God I believe in, but a lot of things bother me. Sermons would criticize gays, some jokes are about gay people, even my father, I know, would kill me if he finds out that I am gay. These are some of the things that add locks to the closet I’m living in. I don’t even know if I will ever (or even CAN) come-out.

I never had any serious relationships with the same sex, I already had two girlfriends, and I already had sexual experiences with both genders (in different occasions of course). And I must admit, I feel more satisfied with my male partner(s). This confuses me, this also makes me think that I must be gay.

I don’t feel that it is necessary to come-out, I’m enjoying all the thrills and excitements my dark, little closet brings to my life. I don’t know if I’m even open to having a serious relationship with the same sex, I never had one, but whenever I have a partner I feel that I have to be loyal to him and must not entertain other guys. Eventually all the fun stops, and we’ll part ways. This is how my life has been, and it is still like this until now.

I don’t know where to go from here and how I will end up. I don’t even know what kind of help I need. I just want to share these things that bother me right now. Thanks migs!

- ML

* * *

Dear ML,

You say that your dilemma starts with you being gay in a Christian family, and you end your letter saying when you attempt to be loyal to your male partner, “all the fun stops, and we’ll part ways.”

In between those two statements I feel there are many entangled issues. You seek guidance, asking “I don’t know where to go from here and how I will end up” — this is what I tell you: go for truth (which is very Christian) and however painful the consequences are, stick with it (also very Christian, right?). Don’t worry much about how you will end up, if you really believe in a Supreme Being, then count on His infinite mercy and charity. Do not misinterpret these statements as a push for you to come out in the open — although if you want to do that, then go have a blast. I am more concerned with you coming to terms with yourself. This is the most important thing. Be strong inside. Even if your Christian community, your society, or even your family disdains the thought of you being gay — all those are externals. If you are strong inside, you will know how to handle the seemingly broken externals.

And lastly, as long as you try your best to be a good person, you will never go wrong.

All the best,
Migs

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#23 blood berry

ml,

one thing is for sure, if you believe in one supreme being, you also believe that HE is merciful and loving. migs is right, do not bother your self on how you will end up. deal with it one day at a time. be at peace with yourself. and maybe someday when the time is right, you’ll know what you really want and hopefully be happy with it. take care.

blood berry.

09/04/30 05:06
#22 clemence

i think i am in the same dilemma for one am not sure if i am really gay, maybe bi if there’s such label. i am quite in the same situation, catholic conservative family plus the molestation during my puberty years. i tried to forget everything that happened so i focus on studies in college and finding a better paying job. right now i feel that what happened to before haunts me back. at 28, i haven’t had any relationship with men (seriously), had a couple of girlfriends before, 1 in HS and 1 in college.

09/03/10 14:02
#21 pacer150

hi ML,
you are absolutely right.you are not alone.i’m 35 and have no plans of totally coming out.i am working abroad,that helps a lil’ bit kasi malayo ako sa amin at sa mga kumpare at tropa ko

08/08/14 00:50
#20 Paul

M.L, Di ka nag-iisa. Almost same as you. I am unique, of Christian faith (fundamentalist baptist at that), and prefers to be playing inside the dark closet. I just don’t know if you still have the ‘guilt trips’ after every encounter. I have done some fascinating inquiries that the ‘Gentiles’ might not be able to understand, sorry po. Can we correspond via email?

Marc, san ba ang Bagong Pag-asa? I have further questions. Can you pls send me an email also?

pogi_tunay@yahoo.com

Migs, thanks. I am one of ur avid readers.

08/07/27 23:32
#19 ML

THANKS EVERYONE…

For me this is no longer an issue between coming out or not, nor is it at issue of being a good person or not. A part of me has already accepted the fact that I am different. I guess the solution I found is to stay inside my closet, and, like what I said, I am enjoying all the thrills and excitement this dark, little closet brings to my life.

It’s good to know that I am not alone in this situation. One way or another, I know I will find a way through this problem.
Thanks Migs!

08/07/24 03:50
#18 joax

Just as “William” from the movie Daybreak said, “Hindi naman KJ si God.” If you feel that you are happier in your “gay” ways, then follow your bliss.

In the end of he day, what matters is your relationship with God. I believe that you can still have a very personal realtionship with God even if you are gay. Remember, he was the one who had dinner with taxpayers back in the days when rabbis see that as blasphemous.

Just my two cents.

08/07/23 21:51
#17 patricia montecarlo

neng, bakla ka ano pa bang nakaka-confuse dun. hindi mo naman kailangang i-out yan basta tanggapin mo lang ang katotohanan.

08/07/23 20:08
#16 baklamancutedin@yahoo.co.uk

Well, I was impressed by Migs advise to the confused Christian chuvalu ek ek. I must say, winner ang construction ng language pang Miss Universe. What can Lara Dutta say about that, crispy, pageant patty, advise from Migs.

Ang galing mo Manila Gay Guy. Love you loads.

08/07/23 16:43
#15 marc

There is a way out of this. I personally am part of a Christian group/church know as New Hope (Bagong Pag-Asa in the Philippines.) I’m currently reading the book the senior pastor of this church wrote, and it is helping me a lot to change. I guess you need help to get out of guilt. God loves you the way you are, but he loves you so much, he doesn’t want you to be stuck that way. My prayers go out for you ML.

08/07/23 00:05
#14 konsiyensiya

alam mo sharp_nikc hindi ka nag-iisip sa paglalagay ng komento mo, ipinapakita mo lang na kasing liit ng ipis ang laman ng ulo mo, imaginin mo naman masabi mo yang napakalaking kalokohan??? Ang pagiging bakla ay desisyon ng Dios, at wala tayong karapatang tutulan yun, magpasalamat na tayo at binigyan tayo ng pagkakataong masilayan ang mundong ito, hindi yung puro tayo hinaing at reklamo na sa bandang huli, kapag tayo’y nasasaktan o nahihirapan eh Dios ang sinisisi natin! bakit kung hindi dahil sa Dios na nagbigay ng buhay, eh hindi rin naman natin mararanasan ang sarap ng mabuhay diba? Its a matter of acceptance at contentment lang naman yan, para mabuhay tayo ng mapayapa at masaya, ke bakla, tomboy, lalake o babae ka man…

08/07/22 22:55
#13 Bond

Hi Lex,

You were asking why do we fall in love and not just lust after them? It’s because of the free-will that God has given us. You have the option to love or not to love, to lust or not to lust and your experiences will somehow play a major factor in choosing which one. As the cliche goes, having the best of both worlds is more of a dream than an ambition.

For Migz and the sender,
I would like to thank Migz for the nice words that are very apt for all the readers of his blog. As Migz said, we should be very strong inside, so we will be able to easily handle the seemingly broken externals. This is what all your gay readers MUST LEARN from you.

To the sender…Even if you are gay, you can be a good role model to any individual. Tell me an industry in this world where there is no gay. I know that the phrase “being respected or respectable person” is what really bothers you. No matter what gender you have, if you know the three R’s in life, you will always be confident of yourself and succeed in life… those three R’s are… RESPONSIBLE, RESPECT YOURSELF and RESPECT OTHERS.

08/07/22 20:37
#12 ef

be true to urself and accept ur sexuality…go and move on..

08/07/22 18:32
#11 RonTab

Stay in the closet if you must. You’re in your chrysallis. This is your preparatory stage. When the right time comes, you’ll spread your wings. The point is not to become a beautiful insect (butterfly) but to recognize that we go through stages.

If you’ve read other posts, others will confirm how comforting and secure it is to stay in the closet.

Just remember, we go through stages and God’s hands hold us every moment, never lets us go.

08/07/22 12:02
#10 Isaribi

Where do you want to go?

08/07/22 09:28
#9 charlize theron

We’re in the same boat, my dear. Haven’t found a way to figure things out as well. I don’t dwell too much about it though. Bawas ganda points yun, hala kah! Minsan kasi, you do just have to let things run its course. And yes, pray, that you be given the fortitude to handle whatever it is that lies around the bend. (JOZKOH poetic ang baklah, stop nah!) LOL

08/07/22 09:23
#8 Tony

Good ‘ol Christian guilt. I am not trying to mock you (or anyone for that matter), but we can’t but help but feel guilty of everything because of how we were brought up.
Our greatest gift is to be able to love someone and loving someone, no matter what the gender, is never wrong. God loves us unconditionally does he not? In fact, loving someone means seeing past his or her (conceived) faults. If parents, friends and everyone else turns their back on you if they found out you were gay, is it your fault or their shortcoming? Love yourself too. Love yourself enough to accept who you really are.

08/07/22 03:17
#7 sharp_nick

Thank goodness I’m now an atheist. I don’t have such dillemas anymore.

08/07/22 02:51
#6 ROMMEL

Ang lola Migs feeling China Cojuangco ng STAR newspaper. taray! ML Ive been praying since forever for God to help me change and turn back from homosexuality, Im starting to think he made me this way and he has a purpose so I am embracing who I am. Just like wanting to be white when im an asian.

08/07/22 00:14
#5 Jedd

Lex, perhaps it’s possible to reconcile my Christian faith in God with my belief that my attraction to men is natural and therefore not wrong. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine what it would be like constantly battling myself.

08/07/21 23:44
#4 Lex

Wow. I don’t usually read posts like these where Migs gives advice to confused individuals, like myself. But for some reason I had the urge to read this, this time!

ML, I myself am Christian too, from a very CONSERVATIVE and old fashioned Christian family, friends, and everyone around! On top of this I am in your situation: attracted to guys TOO, and I’ve been so since I was young. I hope you can relate to this, but this is how I view myself as:

We as human beings are born sinners (you would be able to understand that). Even though we have been saved from this through our acceptance of Jesus as Lord and Saviour we are still vulnerable to make mistakes and SINS in that matter. We still lie here and there, and fornicate every now and then I guess the only thing that sets us apart is that we acknowledge that what we do is wrong, TRY not to in the first place, ask forgiveness and of course have that SPECIAL relationship with God. I look to this “unnatural affection” that we have towards the same sex as a sin. But same as lying, or saying bad words we just can’t help but drool over Leandro Okabe and Victor Basa. Make the mistake, but TRY not to, if ever you do ask forgiveness. LOVE as your heart leads.

Although I must admit, up until now I still question God if it’s so wrong, why do FALL IN LOVE with the same sex and not JUST lust after them? Until now I still have not found the answer.

MIGS may sagot ka ba? LOL. I’ll try to write a more logical explanation later. Also, feel free to share, I’ll be happy to get in contact with you through e-mail.

- Lex.

08/07/21 18:51
#3 Jedd

if not a psychologist, at least a real, wholesome gay friend who’s come to terms with his own sexuality. these things need to be talked out and experienced over a long period of time. find a gay friend you can trust and spend time with him. closets are never a fun place.

08/07/21 18:45
#2 laurel

exactly the same situation as mine. as in!!! BUT…i have now accepted who I am. It did not change my faith and belief in God. I fought for the MAN i loved. My family, understandably initially thought that we would rot in hell, now accept me and my partner for who we are…warts and all.It is crazy to think how un-Christian other people are to judge you and make jokes about you because you are different…it all depends on YOU! kaya mo bang tanggapin kung sino ka?

08/07/21 11:59
#1 tarot

your situation is much complicated for this forum. if you can afford a psychologist, I suggest you should invest in one in order to reconcile who you are and the many issues you’ve presented.

08/07/21 11:28