21
The Allure of a Dark, Little Closet
Entry Feed TrackbackHi Migs,
I don’t know what made me send this letter to you. I can say that I’m a fan of your site- a regular visitor. I have read a lot of letters from your readers, and I must say I can pretty much relate to some of them.
My dilemma starts with me, being gay, in a “Christian” family. It’s hard; I grew-up attending Sunday school, I even became a Sunday-school teacher myself, and sometime in my life thought of becoming a pastor, but I know something is different with me.
Everything is extra-difficult for me. Until now, I still don’t want to admit to myself that I have a different perspective when it comes to sexual preferences. I don’t even entertain thoughts that will lead to admitting that I am gay. I would rather call myself a bisexual, but I know, bisexual or gay, a person like me is not accepted in the “Christian” world.
I have nothing against my religion, my belief, or the God I believe in, but a lot of things bother me. Sermons would criticize gays, some jokes are about gay people, even my father, I know, would kill me if he finds out that I am gay. These are some of the things that add locks to the closet I’m living in. I don’t even know if I will ever (or even CAN) come-out.
I never had any serious relationships with the same sex, I already had two girlfriends, and I already had sexual experiences with both genders (in different occasions of course). And I must admit, I feel more satisfied with my male partner(s). This confuses me, this also makes me think that I must be gay.
I don’t feel that it is necessary to come-out, I’m enjoying all the thrills and excitements my dark, little closet brings to my life. I don’t know if I’m even open to having a serious relationship with the same sex, I never had one, but whenever I have a partner I feel that I have to be loyal to him and must not entertain other guys. Eventually all the fun stops, and we’ll part ways. This is how my life has been, and it is still like this until now.
I don’t know where to go from here and how I will end up. I don’t even know what kind of help I need. I just want to share these things that bother me right now. Thanks migs!
- ML
Dear ML,
You say that your dilemma starts with you being gay in a Christian family, and you end your letter saying when you attempt to be loyal to your male partner, “all the fun stops, and we’ll part ways.”
In between those two statements I feel there are many entangled issues. You seek guidance, asking “I don’t know where to go from here and how I will end up” — this is what I tell you: go for truth (which is very Christian) and however painful the consequences are, stick with it (also very Christian, right?). Don’t worry much about how you will end up, if you really believe in a Supreme Being, then count on His infinite mercy and charity. Do not misinterpret these statements as a push for you to come out in the open — although if you want to do that, then go have a blast. I am more concerned with you coming to terms with yourself. This is the most important thing. Be strong inside. Even if your Christian community, your society, or even your family disdains the thought of you being gay — all those are externals. If you are strong inside, you will know how to handle the seemingly broken externals.
And lastly, as long as you try your best to be a good person, you will never go wrong.
All the best,
Migs
LikePossibly Related Posts:
- Corporate Closet Reacts to Anoverz My dear friend CC (for Corporate Closet) reacts to the...
- How To Accept That You’re Gay If you feel attracted to members of the same...
- “No Man Is An Island.” hi migs, im bob and im 23 years old. i...
- The Case of Pendulum Sexuality There are so many names for confusion, well because...
- Rebounding from the Dark Ages The past few weeks, I must admit, have been the...
your situation is much complicated for this forum. if you can afford a psychologist, I suggest you should invest in one in order to reconcile who you are and the many issues you’ve presented.
tarot at Jul 21, 08 at 11:28 am
exactly the same situation as mine. as in!!! BUT…i have now accepted who I am. It did not change my faith and belief in God. I fought for the MAN i loved. My family, understandably initially thought that we would rot in hell, now accept me and my partner for who we are…warts and all.It is crazy to think how un-Christian other people are to judge you and make jokes about you because you are different…it all depends on YOU! kaya mo bang tanggapin kung sino ka?
laurel at Jul 21, 08 at 11:59 am
if not a psychologist, at least a real, wholesome gay friend who’s come to terms with his own sexuality. these things need to be talked out and experienced over a long period of time. find a gay friend you can trust and spend time with him. closets are never a fun place.
Jedd at Jul 21, 08 at 6:45 pm
Wow. I don’t usually read posts like these where Migs gives advice to confused individuals, like myself. But for some reason I had the urge to read this, this time!
ML, I myself am Christian too, from a very CONSERVATIVE and old fashioned Christian family, friends, and everyone around! On top of this I am in your situation: attracted to guys TOO, and I’ve been so since I was young. I hope you can relate to this, but this is how I view myself as:
We as human beings are born sinners (you would be able to understand that). Even though we have been saved from this through our acceptance of Jesus as Lord and Saviour we are still vulnerable to make mistakes and SINS in that matter. We still lie here and there, and fornicate every now and then I guess the only thing that sets us apart is that we acknowledge that what we do is wrong, TRY not to in the first place, ask forgiveness and of course have that SPECIAL relationship with God. I look to this “unnatural affection” that we have towards the same sex as a sin. But same as lying, or saying bad words we just can’t help but drool over Leandro Okabe and Victor Basa. Make the mistake, but TRY not to, if ever you do ask forgiveness. LOVE as your heart leads.
Although I must admit, up until now I still question God if it’s so wrong, why do FALL IN LOVE with the same sex and not JUST lust after them? Until now I still have not found the answer.
MIGS may sagot ka ba? LOL. I’ll try to write a more logical explanation later. Also, feel free to share, I’ll be happy to get in contact with you through e-mail.
- Lex.
Lex at Jul 21, 08 at 6:51 pm
Lex, perhaps it’s possible to reconcile my Christian faith in God with my belief that my attraction to men is natural and therefore not wrong. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine what it would be like constantly battling myself.
Jedd at Jul 21, 08 at 11:44 pm
Ang lola Migs feeling China Cojuangco ng STAR newspaper. taray! ML Ive been praying since forever for God to help me change and turn back from homosexuality, Im starting to think he made me this way and he has a purpose so I am embracing who I am. Just like wanting to be white when im an asian.
ROMMEL at Jul 22, 08 at 12:14 am
Thank goodness I’m now an atheist. I don’t have such dillemas anymore.
sharp_nick at Jul 22, 08 at 2:51 am
Good ‘ol Christian guilt. I am not trying to mock you (or anyone for that matter), but we can’t but help but feel guilty of everything because of how we were brought up.
Our greatest gift is to be able to love someone and loving someone, no matter what the gender, is never wrong. God loves us unconditionally does he not? In fact, loving someone means seeing past his or her (conceived) faults. If parents, friends and everyone else turns their back on you if they found out you were gay, is it your fault or their shortcoming? Love yourself too. Love yourself enough to accept who you really are.
Tony at Jul 22, 08 at 3:17 am
We’re in the same boat, my dear. Haven’t found a way to figure things out as well. I don’t dwell too much about it though. Bawas ganda points yun, hala kah!
Minsan kasi, you do just have to let things run its course. And yes, pray, that you be given the fortitude to handle whatever it is that lies around the bend. (JOZKOH poetic ang baklah, stop nah!) LOL
charlize theron at Jul 22, 08 at 9:23 am
Where do you want to go?
Isaribi at Jul 22, 08 at 9:28 am
Stay in the closet if you must. You’re in your chrysallis. This is your preparatory stage. When the right time comes, you’ll spread your wings. The point is not to become a beautiful insect (butterfly) but to recognize that we go through stages.
If you’ve read other posts, others will confirm how comforting and secure it is to stay in the closet.
Just remember, we go through stages and God’s hands hold us every moment, never lets us go.
RonTab at Jul 22, 08 at 12:02 pm
be true to urself and accept ur sexuality…go and move on..
ef at Jul 22, 08 at 6:32 pm
Hi Lex,
You were asking why do we fall in love and not just lust after them? It’s because of the free-will that God has given us. You have the option to love or not to love, to lust or not to lust and your experiences will somehow play a major factor in choosing which one. As the cliche goes, having the best of both worlds is more of a dream than an ambition.
For Migz and the sender,
I would like to thank Migz for the nice words that are very apt for all the readers of his blog. As Migz said, we should be very strong inside, so we will be able to easily handle the seemingly broken externals. This is what all your gay readers MUST LEARN from you.
To the sender…Even if you are gay, you can be a good role model to any individual. Tell me an industry in this world where there is no gay. I know that the phrase “being respected or respectable person” is what really bothers you. No matter what gender you have, if you know the three R’s in life, you will always be confident of yourself and succeed in life… those three R’s are… RESPONSIBLE, RESPECT YOURSELF and RESPECT OTHERS.
Bond at Jul 22, 08 at 8:37 pm
alam mo sharp_nikc hindi ka nag-iisip sa paglalagay ng komento mo, ipinapakita mo lang na kasing liit ng ipis ang laman ng ulo mo, imaginin mo naman masabi mo yang napakalaking kalokohan??? Ang pagiging bakla ay desisyon ng Dios, at wala tayong karapatang tutulan yun, magpasalamat na tayo at binigyan tayo ng pagkakataong masilayan ang mundong ito, hindi yung puro tayo hinaing at reklamo na sa bandang huli, kapag tayo’y nasasaktan o nahihirapan eh Dios ang sinisisi natin! bakit kung hindi dahil sa Dios na nagbigay ng buhay, eh hindi rin naman natin mararanasan ang sarap ng mabuhay diba? Its a matter of acceptance at contentment lang naman yan, para mabuhay tayo ng mapayapa at masaya, ke bakla, tomboy, lalake o babae ka man…
konsiyensiya at Jul 22, 08 at 10:55 pm
There is a way out of this. I personally am part of a Christian group/church know as New Hope (Bagong Pag-Asa in the Philippines.) I’m currently reading the book the senior pastor of this church wrote, and it is helping me a lot to change. I guess you need help to get out of guilt. God loves you the way you are, but he loves you so much, he doesn’t want you to be stuck that way. My prayers go out for you ML.
marc at Jul 23, 08 at 12:05 am
Well, I was impressed by Migs advise to the confused Christian chuvalu ek ek. I must say, winner ang construction ng language pang Miss Universe. What can Lara Dutta say about that, crispy, pageant patty, advise from Migs.
Ang galing mo Manila Gay Guy. Love you loads.
baklamancutedin@yahoo.co.uk at Jul 23, 08 at 4:43 pm
neng, bakla ka ano pa bang nakaka-confuse dun. hindi mo naman kailangang i-out yan basta tanggapin mo lang ang katotohanan.
patricia montecarlo at Jul 23, 08 at 8:08 pm
Just as “William” from the movie Daybreak said, “Hindi naman KJ si God.” If you feel that you are happier in your “gay” ways, then follow your bliss.
In the end of he day, what matters is your relationship with God. I believe that you can still have a very personal realtionship with God even if you are gay. Remember, he was the one who had dinner with taxpayers back in the days when rabbis see that as blasphemous.
Just my two cents.
joax at Jul 23, 08 at 9:51 pm
THANKS EVERYONE…
For me this is no longer an issue between coming out or not, nor is it at issue of being a good person or not. A part of me has already accepted the fact that I am different. I guess the solution I found is to stay inside my closet, and, like what I said, I am enjoying all the thrills and excitement this dark, little closet brings to my life.
It’s good to know that I am not alone in this situation. One way or another, I know I will find a way through this problem.
Thanks Migs!
ML at Jul 24, 08 at 3:50 am
M.L, Di ka nag-iisa. Almost same as you. I am unique, of Christian faith (fundamentalist baptist at that), and prefers to be playing inside the dark closet. I just don’t know if you still have the ‘guilt trips’ after every encounter. I have done some fascinating inquiries that the ‘Gentiles’ might not be able to understand, sorry po. Can we correspond via email?
Marc, san ba ang Bagong Pag-asa? I have further questions. Can you pls send me an email also?
pogi_tunay@yahoo.com
Migs, thanks. I am one of ur avid readers.
Paul at Jul 27, 08 at 11:32 pm
hi ML,
you are absolutely right.you are not alone.i’m 35 and have no plans of totally coming out.i am working abroad,that helps a lil’ bit kasi malayo ako sa amin at sa mga kumpare at tropa ko
pacer150 at Aug 14, 08 at 12:50 am
i think i am in the same dilemma for one am not sure if i am really gay, maybe bi if there’s such label. i am quite in the same situation, catholic conservative family plus the molestation during my puberty years. i tried to forget everything that happened so i focus on studies in college and finding a better paying job. right now i feel that what happened to before haunts me back. at 28, i haven’t had any relationship with men (seriously), had a couple of girlfriends before, 1 in HS and 1 in college.
clemence at Mar 10, 09 at 2:02 pm
ml,
one thing is for sure, if you believe in one supreme being, you also believe that HE is merciful and loving. migs is right, do not bother your self on how you will end up. deal with it one day at a time. be at peace with yourself. and maybe someday when the time is right, you’ll know what you really want and hopefully be happy with it. take care.
blood berry.
blood berry at Apr 30, 09 at 5:06 am
In Christian teachings they condemned homosexuals and whoever practices homosexual act that’s because they claimed that it’s from the teaching of the Holy Bible. I too is a member of a very famous and strict church which condemn gays. I was once also a leader of the said Christian faith. However upon discovering the bible, I have came to realize that truly the bible itself contradicts it’s teaching. I guess that’s the reason why most of us are being encouraged to use the King James version “Bible” because it’s the closest translation from the original scrolls of the holy scriptures.( yan ang napala ko sa pag-aral ng bible para pag merun mangondena ng mga bakla eh di may panlaban tayo ha ha ha )
Which means that “Bible is not 100% accurate” no wonder why there are too many religions these days who claim that they are true and this was resulted by different interpretations of the bible. My Point is GOD wouldn’t less favored those who are Homosexuals who love purely and would be loyal to his or her partner. It says that LOVE comes from GOD then the LOVE between two men or women are acceptable. So as long as you become responsible ,loving and loyal to your partner then your relationship is accepted by GOD because GOD only says I will condemn those who practices homosexual acts but GOD didn’t say He will condemn those who love the same sex. human understanding is but limited, but God’s love and understanding to his Children is beyond our imagination. so guy’s chill out!!! as long as you don’t commit crimes against your fellowmen we’re all good. Peace out for those who got offended but I’m only sharing what I believe is true.
Sean at Jul 8, 09 at 12:45 am
for one second, i thought i was reading my own story. haha! it’s a nice feeling though- knowing that i am not alone with this kind of situation. i guess the only difference is that, i’ve always known the fact that i’m gay. it’s a tough life, i must say. i maintain two separate identities for more than 6 six years now and i don’t know yet how far can i go. it was really nice reading your story.
anothergayguy at Aug 1, 09 at 4:20 pm
Parehas po tayo ng situation, actually alaga ako ng pastor and pareho talaga tayo ng karanasan, have been there done that. And when I separated from them (Pastor’s family), got a job, I really felt the need to get out of the closet, to to the extend na mag cross dress talaga, just being my self… And know what? they just accepted me, and you know people are people, the more you pretend, the more they hate u. Discreet ako..and I can say na accepted nila ako, turing ko sa kanila magulang and ganun din sila sa akin, the whole congregation knows the whole me. They already have the idea yet they still talk to me and even casts some jokes and go along with me whenever may mga fellowship. Its just that, you need also to be honest to God, and pray for it na God will take you out from that situation. And also a heart na willing na mabago ka sa yung sexuality, nag self denial na din ako kasi wla sa aming family bloodline ang homo or bi, and until now, Im still going through this “Reparative Therapy” with myself. It depends on you if ready kana to tell someone near u regarding that, sum1 that you can trust and sum1 hu can keep all of these in strictest confidence. Ive been also through many failed plan of reformation and total denial but it will just leave u behind. There are so many painful deceptions, one of which is self denial… masakit man pero wla kanang magawa. Maybe, its ur duty to reform your inner self if you want it too. It all depends on u
Plutocopy at Aug 6, 09 at 6:59 am
ERRATUM:
This is the correct statement:
“, not to the extend na mag cross dress talaga, just being my self… And know what? they just accepted me, and you know people are people, the more you pretend…..”
Plutocopy at Aug 6, 09 at 7:01 am
whoaa.. that was well said! Bravo!…i wouldn’t change a thing…..thank you for that piece.
kyle at Oct 17, 09 at 4:41 pm