Lea Salonga’s introductory song in the phenomenal Miss Saigon reverberated in my mind as I read the first line of Stan’s letter below. “I’m 17, and I’m new here today…” Kuyang-kuya ang feeling ko sa isang ito, hahaha! As older gay brothers, we might get tempted to abbreviate our suggestion to, “wala yan, bata ka pa kasi, move on.” But really, would that help him? Just like in situations where we help or coach someone, we always seek to understand the other party first. Seek first to understand and hold off the naturally autobiographical response. My challenge to you guys is to express your brotherly love to our dear 17-year-old co-MGG habitue, by reading his letter below and leaving a comment here that would hopefully help him help himself…
kuya migs,
i’m only 17 and i’m a follower of your blog for quite sometime. i’ve been somehow acquainted with the LGBT lifestyle with the past 4 years of my life. i recently put up a blogsite and i know for a moment you have already checked it out. i don’t even know where and how to begin. as of now, i cannot say i’m gay coz i still find women attractive. i even make love to them. i’ve had 6 girlfriends before but now, i classify my self as a discreet bisexual. but without even understanding the whole meaning of it. since elem, i never doubted with what my sexuality is. i was soft spoken and some how clumsy compared to other guys my age during those times but that doesn’t bother me at all. though sometimes, my guy friends would shun me the word “silahis” which my innocence didn’t care. all i know is that nobody have the rights of questioning how i am. my looks, the way i act and all. it was all nothing big deal for me. this scene became consistent not until my 4th year in highschool came.
there was one time me and my best buddy since kinder had some drinking sessions in our house and to cut the story short, we ended up kissing each other. i remember exactly what happened between us during those times but one thing is for sure, i never initiated anything. it was all him. the act was repeated not only twice, but a number of times in which there some instances that were not drunk at all. and each time we finished kissing, i remember he would say it’ll never happen again and that i should forget about it. i never questioned him for that, aside from simply just staying away from him. highschool ended and we had parted ways in college, though actually, i really have plans of going the same school with him, but after i took the entrance exam, i decided not to. it’s not that i didn’t passed the exam but, i’ve realized what is better for both of us and for myself. i was already in my sophomore year when we crossed paths again. it was this last summer when had our reunion party at our friend’s house. i wasn’t really expecting he would still greet me after what i have done, in fact, i was being snobbish at his presence that it came to a point my our friends are getting upset with my actions. we drank as usual and that stimulated him to approach me and talk to me. he apologized for the problems he might have caused me and asked me if we can still be bestfriends. i never answered his offer that time and just went to bed after hearing his side. morning came and i was surprised to see that he was sleeping beside me. i greeted him good morning and suddenly he just kissed me again. this time, i felt the different kind of sensation i never experienced before with him. it’s like something within me that says i love him though in the back of mind i kept on insisting that what we are doing is wrong. but still, it resulted to losing my virginity for the first time with a man. i asked him afterwards if what will be our relationship next to what happened again between the two of us, but to my disaappointment he just replied a lowly toned ” i don’t know”. i felt so hurt and walked away from him. we never get to see each other until now, but what i am feeling is still here.
with what had happened to me, i’m sure that i can never be called straight. i could just fall into a bisexual or a gay man. if these two would be my choice, which category will i be in? and how can i let my family and other people accept me? how can i let my self out? another will be what is his sexuality by doing it with me? because everytime i asked him if he’s bi or gay, he would answer no. lastly,what is this feeling i’m feeling for him? i cried for days after saying that he couldn’t be my boyfriend. i’m so confused. please help me.
thanks for taking time to read my message. i hope i would get a reply soon. more power and Godbless.
- Stan
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