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Lea Salonga’s introductory song in the phenomenal Miss Saigon reverberated in my mind as I read the first line of Stan’s letter below. “I’m 17, and I’m new here today…” Kuyang-kuya ang feeling ko sa isang ito, hahaha! As older gay brothers, we might get tempted to abbreviate our suggestion to, “wala yan, bata ka pa kasi, move on.” But really, would that help him? Just like in situations where we help or coach someone, we always seek to understand the other party first. Seek first to understand and hold off the naturally autobiographical response. My challenge to you guys is to express your brotherly love to our dear 17-year-old co-MGG habitue, by reading his letter below and leaving a comment here that would hopefully help him help himself…

* * *

kuya migs,

i’m only 17 and i’m a follower of your blog for quite sometime. i’ve been somehow acquainted with the LGBT lifestyle with the past 4 years of my life. i recently put up a blogsite and i know for a moment you have already checked it out. i don’t even know where and how to begin. as of now, i cannot say i’m gay coz i still find women attractive. i even make love to them. i’ve had 6 girlfriends before but now, i classify my self as a discreet bisexual. but without even understanding the whole meaning of it. since elem, i never doubted with what my sexuality is. i was soft spoken and some how clumsy compared to other guys my age during those times but that doesn’t bother me at all. though sometimes, my guy friends would shun me the word “silahis” which my innocence didn’t care. all i know is that nobody have the rights of questioning how i am. my looks, the way i act and all. it was all nothing big deal for me. this scene became consistent not until my 4th year in highschool came.

there was one time me and my best buddy since kinder had some drinking sessions in our house and to cut the story short, we ended up kissing each other. i remember exactly what happened between us during those times but one thing is for sure, i never initiated anything. it was all him. the act was repeated not only twice, but a number of times in which there some instances that were not drunk at all. and each time we finished kissing, i remember he would say it’ll never happen again and that i should forget about it. i never questioned him for that, aside from simply just staying away from him. highschool ended and we had parted ways in college, though actually, i really have plans of going the same school with him, but after i took the entrance exam, i decided not to. it’s not that i didn’t passed the exam but, i’ve realized what is better for both of us and for myself. i was already in my sophomore year when we crossed paths again. it was this last summer when had our reunion party at our friend’s house. i wasn’t really expecting he would still greet me after what i have done, in fact, i was being snobbish at his presence that it came to a point my our friends are getting upset with my actions. we drank as usual and that stimulated him to approach me and talk to me. he apologized for the problems he might have caused me and asked me if we can still be bestfriends. i never answered his offer that time and just went to bed after hearing his side. morning came and i was surprised to see that he was sleeping beside me. i greeted him good morning and suddenly he just kissed me again. this time, i felt the different kind of sensation i never experienced before with him. it’s like something within me that says i love him though in the back of mind i kept on insisting that what we are doing is wrong. but still, it resulted to losing my virginity for the first time with a man. i asked him afterwards if what will be our relationship next to what happened again between the two of us, but to my disaappointment he just replied a lowly toned ” i don’t know”. i felt so hurt and walked away from him. we never get to see each other until now, but what i am feeling is still here.

with what had happened to me, i’m sure that i can never be called straight. i could just fall into a bisexual or a gay man. if these two would be my choice, which category will i be in? and how can i let my family and other people accept me? how can i let my self out? another will be what is his sexuality by doing it with me? because everytime i asked him if he’s bi or gay, he would answer no. lastly,what is this feeling i’m feeling for him? i cried for days after saying that he couldn’t be my boyfriend. i’m so confused. please help me.

thanks for taking time to read my message. i hope i would get a reply soon. more power and Godbless.

– Stan

Comments (40)

  1. sweety21 said on 15-05-2009

    just be ur self…

    ipag lban m ang nraramdaman moh..jejejeje

  2. Toebal said on 13-05-2009

    tsktsktsk…you got stoked man…better to move on.I know tis hard to do it but that’s the best option to do.Well, I thought what happened to you both was just from the satisfaction of innocence, and obviously there was no love involve at all I guess.

    Toebal hir..em fresh 19yo

  3. blood berry said on 30-04-2009

    you know what, i must say that you’re friend is an A-hole… totally!!! clearly, he played you… he disappeared after getting what he wanted from you… and it will be hard for you to accept that yes, he just used you… but it’s the truth… and just hope that someday you will be able to realize that and it may help you to move on.

  4. maccallister said on 27-04-2009

    i like this story,simple and just entertaining,i hope by this time stan is ok hehe.

    mahirap yun isa e nasa stage ng denial,that guy is in denial,wag mo nalang ipilit,hayaan mo muna siya hanggat di dumadating yun realization niya na isa siyang bi or gay.

    on the other hand,ikaw move on,and try to come out one at a time,or until ur ready.

  5. rico said on 01-08-2008

    nice, express your feelings in this community…

  6. 2 cents said on 31-07-2008

    Bisexuality is just a phase. Sooner or later you’ll end up being one or the other. Since you admit you’ll never be straight, then I suppose it will only take a matter of time when you become completely Gay and actually admit it. Experience is the best teacher.

    Besides, I think being torn between both sexes is even doubly confusing than just being gay, isn’t it? At least Gays only want men or biologically male, that is.

    As one of my straight friends always say…

    Bi? Bi? Anong Bi?
    Pareho lang yan, Bi-yot?

    (ngek ngek. pardon the pun)

    Cheers to your love story! Just don’t lose sight of who you really are…

    It sez somewhere…

    Being Gay is just a part of who you are, it’s not YOU as a whole. So don’t be afraid of “labels” for fear of being different. It’s harder to hide your feelings than to accept the truth about who you are. But don’t also rush into “coming out”. For some, it’s early and others take a longer time. Again experience will dictate to you when?

    Before you come out, determine how comfortable you feel about yourself. Are you willing to have conversations about your sexuality?

    It’s usually safer to tell one person at a time. People are less likely to put up a front when you’re alone with them.

    Don’t come out by introducing people to your boyfriend. This forces them to accept two things at once.

    It’s easier coming out to your siblings first than your parents.

    Finally, accepting yourself is the most rewarding thing you can do to yourself. Everything else will normally follow.

    WELOME…

  7. dazedblu said on 30-07-2008

    late reading, no comment at all. enuff tht this young considerably realize wht is happening to him.

  8. Indie Sikat said on 30-07-2008

    hay buhay…

  9. andrewmlim said on 30-07-2008

    stan, i-enjoy mo lahat. pati yung sadness. that’s the secret to happiness–to see your life as a story. and to watch scene after scene unfolding without regrets. pati yung rejection and confusion, i-enjoy mo. mamimiss mo yan lahat when you’re 30.

  10. mel beckham-atienza said on 29-07-2008

    …or a Diyosa in-the-making. =)

  11. mel beckham-atienza said on 29-07-2008

    Naku stan, balikan mo siya! Maiba lang ang sagot. Lol. Anyway, you are still young. Enjoy your youth! Marami pang darating na mas exciting. And don’t worry about labeling yourself because at the end of the day, you are a princess! Hihihi

  12. dee said on 29-07-2008

    hi stan.first of all; yes, we need acceptance from other people that mean a lot to us, but dont’t worry about it too much. you’re young. live your life. sort things out first before worrying. second, i don’t think you can let yourself out. accept who you are, be happy with it. third, it’s either he’s just curious to try, OR he’s so damn insecure he cannot accept his own identity. lastly, you may just be infatuated with him. maybe because you felt a special connection between you two, and you were blinded by that.. let some time pass, and them let’s see, ok?
    ggod luck!:D

  13. tala said on 29-07-2008

    Hey bro, my advice to you, just enjoy life. Your’e still young and cute. Time will come and maybe you will find someone better than him..k.
    Cheers.

  14. ML said on 29-07-2008

    hehehe….
    You’re still young, you have nothing to worry. Just enjoy whatever is happening to you right now.

  15. blue said on 29-07-2008

    Ok, I just saw your blog and I think you know who you are. You may have been looking for the exact definition of Gay/discreet/Bi-male whatever label you feel like using…but honey, stop right there, because you already know who you are, you are a walking definition of who you are.

    Cheers.

  16. Michael said on 29-07-2008

    We raised in a world of duality- male and female, dark and light, body and mind, good and bad- society applies the same concept to human sexual orientation. For most, it’s either you’re heterosexual or homosexual. But there are bisexuals.
    It would make sense if sexuality is expressed between people with compatible characters, regardless if they are male or female. One is not restricted to choose a partner based on gender. Remember that character is more important than gender.
    And in our society, gender dictates our character. But it’s not the only determining factor for there are many people who do not fit the societal stereotype associated with their gender.
    If only our society would evolve to a stage where gender is meaningless and being bisexual is no taboo, being straight, gay and bi would be insignificant.
    Although the new generation is more liberated, there is still a long way to go before individuals are allowed to develop without being stifled by cultural stereotypes of gender roles. When that day comes, being masculine and feminine would then be meaningless.
    It seems to me that the reason behind restricting ourselves in having a relationship with the same sex is wanting to have children or belong to bigger family. Homosexuals and bisexuals would be forced to live a “straight” life to be accepted by society.
    Some homosexuals choose to live as bisexuals just to avoid being labeled as gay or lesbian. Others choose to be homosexuals, even if they are bisexuals, to show attraction for someone of the same sex.
    In conclusion, bisexuality is a form of exclusivity and is a challenge for sexists. Being straight, gay or bi is not important. You can realize your sexuality in many different ways. But what is important is that you, as an individual, live your life to the fullest. Work to build a society that respects you not by your sexuality.”

  17. stan™ said on 29-07-2008

    jet: i’ve already think about it po. that’s why, it’s the reason na i tried to put up a blog na makakatulong sakin.to let myself out.siguro dahil bata pa ko kaya ko naisip yon.

    inasahan ko na yung coment po na ganito.
    pero mas nauna ko pa pong pinagisipan ang pagsulat dito kesa sa pag asikaso ng blog ko.

    accepted ko naman po yun. salamat po sa concern.

  18. jet said on 28-07-2008

    i dont get this “discreet bisexual” thing for you.. you say you are, pero you keep a blog with your picture on it. you even post links to personal websites such as your friendster..

    doesnt that defeat the whole essence of being “discreet”?

    you have some serious thinking to do : )

  19. hikki said on 28-07-2008

    the answer? its in ur heart, follow ur heart ^^v enjoy!

  20. blue said on 28-07-2008

    Hi Stan,

    People here may offer advice and step by step procedure to answer your questions and let me tell you there are no wrong answers.

    But there is nothing more exciting, fulfilling and effective than finding the answers yourself. Dont dwell on thinking what kind of sexuality you have or what the society may think of you and spend so much time contemplating on the context you are in. Live life. You have an ample of time to face problems like that enjoy being a kid. Enjoy being new. Enjoy every moment of your curiosity, learn from it and sooner or later the answers will find you if not you finding it first.

    And as for your friend…Oh well, maybe he’s going thru tough times as well. We all have different ways of dealing with it, but what the heck…Your young and fresh, who needs another drama queen if you can have all the action.

    cheers and good luck!

  21. blue said on 28-07-2008

    Hi Stan,

    People here may offer advise and step by step procedure to answer your questions and let me tell you there are no wrong answer.

    But there is nothing more exciting, fulfilling and effective than finding the answers yourself. Dont dwell on thinking what kind of sexuality you have or what the society may think of you and spend so much time contemplating on the context you are in. Live life. You have an ample of time to face problems like that enjoy being a kid. Enjoy being new. Enjoy every moment of your curiosity, learn from it and sooner or later the answers will find you if not you finding it first.

    And as for your friend…Oh well, maybe he’s going thru tough times as well. We all have different ways of dealing with it, but what the heck…Your young and fresh, who needs another drama queen if you can have all the action.

    cheers and good luck!

  22. invertedrose said on 28-07-2008

    lalake, babae, bakla or tomboy – u dont need these words wen luking into ur heart. never allow anyone not even urself to limit urself wid these words, but if u want a label try HUMAN, a human dat feels. wid regards to love, for me loving someone is both blissful n a pain in da ass. in ur case its da latter coz u sooo love da guy n he dsnt knu how he feels towards you, it hurts, i knu. iiyak mo, isigaw mo ang sakit but after da brkdown its time to pick up da pcs n luk 4 a mitybond. u can do it.

  23. shiteous said on 28-07-2008

    hahahay.

    nakakarelate ako.

    magka age lang din tayo and almost the same.

    don’t worry.

    youre not alone.

    am also on my curiosity stage.

  24. Myk2ts said on 28-07-2008

    nakakalungkot ang story. ang masasabi ko lang, lalaki, babae, bakla man o tomboy, pare pareho ng nararamdaman sa pag ibig. walang parameters ang pagmamahal. hindi kita pipilitin kalimutan sya. the fact na ginawa nya yun, ibig sabihin may feelings sya. kung anu man yun, di natin alam. mahirap. lalo ang umasa. ang manghula. ang mangapa. but we have to deal with it. ganun ang irony ng love.wag mo syang kalimutan pero wag mo syang gawing sentro ng damdamin mo. naguguluhan lang din siguro sya gaya mo. hindi lam ang gagawin. nawawala. di ibig sabihin nun na wala ka lang sakanya.

    ipag patuloy mo ang buhay. sabi nga nila wag mo icategorize ang sarili mo. nainiwala ako dun. walang sinuman ang makapagsasabi kung sino at ano ka o kung saan ka nabibilang. walang sinuman. tanging si God lang. leave it to him and he will take the rest.. kaya mo yan

  25. lordmanilastone said on 27-07-2008

    bilang bading or silahis na naghahanap ng tunay na pagmamahal, may mga bagay bagay kang matututunan sa taong mahal mo na hindi na kailangang pagdudahan at questionin pa, ika nga kung minsan sabi nila, be happy na may nagmamahal sa’yo, anumang duda, sa sarili mo na lang itago, kung patuloy kang maghahanap ng kasugutan, sarili mo rin ang masusumpungan…

  26. cabrill said on 27-07-2008

    parang may scene din na ganyan sa “Ang Lihim Ni Antonio” Yung sina Nathan at Antonio. Tama ba ako?

  27. Tony said on 27-07-2008

    I went through the same thing when I was in high school/ college. What we sometimes forget to ask ourselves is what does the other person feel? His answer of “I don’t know” may well be exactly just that. He doesn’t know either. He is also confused. If we force another person to be where we are emotionally right now, it doesn’t work. Do you move on? I’d say no. He is your friend. Whatever happened between the two of you and whatever the outcome will be, you don’t abandon friends just because it is inconvenient.

  28. homosinthecloset said on 27-07-2008

    I took a visit at your site Stan. You must be very cliqued into boys, huh. Hehehe. Anyway, a pal here. ^^

  29. my yellow shirt and what not besmirching it said on 27-07-2008

    Don’t blame anybody first. Get in touch with how you really feel. Exploration at your age is necessary.

    Its good you didn’t go with the philosophy if it feels good it must be good.

    But don’t buy into what I fear must be evil either.

    Sensations of sex (ewww sex!) will always be colored by how you perceive the person and the act.

    I assume you still do it with girls, with or without love?

    Its the same.

    Choose someone you think you can grow with (and that includes arguments and running away and running back again, lots of make up sex )

    trying to be funny.

    It works for this funny guy

  30. jd said on 27-07-2008

    Huwag mo munang i-categorized ang sarili mo. Umibig ka at nasaktan. Umiyak ka muna, magalit, malungkot. Pagkatapos, simulan mong tuklasin ang sarili mo. Maaaring bakla ka nga, o silahis, o isang lalaking umibig sa kapwa lalaking naging parte na ng buhay mo simula pagkabata. Magbasa ka. Pakiramdaman mo ang iyong sarili. I-explore mo ang lahat ng possibilites. Walang payong tama o hindi para syo. Ikaw ang magpapasiya. Madami ka pang pagdaraanang proseso. Makinig ka sa mga kwento ng buhay ng ibang tao, katulad ng mga nandito sa blog na ito, dahil sa kabuuan iisa lang ang ating pinagdadaanan. Marami kang matutunan sa kanila. Higit sa lahat magdasal ka. Walang ibang higit na nakaaalam ng iyong nararamdaman at ng tunay mong pagkatao kundi Siyang lumikha syo. Higit sa sasabihin o sinasabi ng kahit na anumang relihiyon o tao. Kausapin mo Siya at kakausapin ka Niya sa puso mo dahil di ka huhusgahan ng lumikha syo. Mahaba pa ang lalakbayin mo pero huwag kang mag-alala nadidito lang kami, ang community na ito, para umalalay syo. Umasa kang may sapat kang kakayahan upang lakbayin ito. Tuloy lang sa paglalakbay.Magkatatag ka.

  31. archangel said on 27-07-2008

    hmmm. blog not found. please check again…i would love to chec him out.. hehehe

  32. stan™ said on 27-07-2008

    kuya migs: i’m sorry kung bakit di available yung link sa blog ko. pinalitan ko na kasi. anyway, for everybody’s benefit, here it is:

    http://the17yearolder.blogspot.com

    thanks for understanding!

    pinalitan ko siya dahil yung past ko na yon had the link to my blog. i was motivated by jom’s words na to forget him
    and wag ng magkaroon ng communication sa kanya.

    salamat po.

  33. GEMINI said on 27-07-2008

    if you feel something is unusual.. then let it be. isigaw mo

  34. Joms said on 27-07-2008

    Madaling sabihin ang mag-move on, pero sa totoo ay mahirap itong harapin. Go with the flow. Iiyak mo ang dapat iiyak. Isenti mo ang dapat isenti, at higit sa lahat, hayaan mo ang iyong sarili na makaalala sa kanya hanggang ang puso mo na rin ang sumuko kakaisip sa kaibigan mong ito.

    Lagi mo lang tatandaan na anuman ang mangyari, huwag kang gagawa ng paraan para magkaroon ng communication sa kanya.
    Sinasabi ko sayo dude, hangga’t may paraan para magusap kayo, mahihirapan kang bumitaw sa inyong nakaraan.

    Goodluck. Welcome sa mundo natin. 🙂

  35. stan™ said on 27-07-2008

    salamat po sa mga advices. naappreciate ko po lahat. sa ngayon po, i’m trying to move on kung anu man nararamdaman ko. the only thing that bothers me is that how can i establish myself bilang isang gay or isang bi.

    i know mahirap paniwalaan pero it’s the true story and i’m really 17.maraming maraming salamat po sa mga advices ninyo.
    Godbless you all.

    to kuya Migs:
    thank you for featuring my letter,kahit na alam mo na medyo natakot ako at first, salamat talaga.May God bless you as always!

  36. tarot said on 27-07-2008

    it doesn’t sound and feel like this letter is from a seveteen year old kid, but if it is, your first lesson is – you can’t make anyone feel something they don’t feel. accept his answer and move on. yes, it will hurt but life is like that sometimes. you will survive it. as for the rest of your questions, you are seventeen – have fun and give yourself time to grow. in time you will gain knowledge, wisdom and self-confidence, and the answers will come to you. but this will happen only if you nurture other aspects of life as well and not be always pre-occupied with gfs/bfs relationships. in short live a balanced life.

  37. GEMINI said on 27-07-2008

    I can relate to your story…it happened also to me.yah,it’s hard..but if u ask me,uhm. i let it out and asked for help to a trusted friend..and somehow, nkatulong din naman cya. and ayun. she told me that I must MOVE ON.
    hanggang Nakalimutan ko ung “feelings” ko towards sa kanya

  38. Art said on 27-07-2008

    Hi Stan,
    I don’t really have an advice to give you. Actually, I just have a comment. Your story is very much like that of Luke and Noah (more like latter’s) in the soap opera “As the World Turns.” You may want to google it and watch the episodes when Noah was going through so much confusion. Actually there is another one. Check out the story of Christian and Oliver in a German soap opera. Christian went through the same experience. Boy, your story is the stuff that makes great soap opera!
    Art

  39. JayF said on 27-07-2008

    Buti ka pa.. U two had shared intimate moments.. I also had & stil hav some hots on ma friend but im afraid, confused whether he’s up for it.. Ive been waitin 4 d perfect time 4 us..Or do i hav 2 do d 1st move..

  40. JayF said on 27-07-2008

    Sad story huh..

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