Hi Migs. Call me Ethan. This is the first time I’m writing your site, but have been an avid reader of yours since 2006. It has been a source of comfort and relief for me, knowing that I’m not alone in my struggles in this world. Anyway, the reason I’m writing is because I too have a problem. I think I’m in love, for the first time in my life. Let me explain.
It started almost two weeks ago. I ‘met’ him, of all places, in a porn site. He saw my profile, messaged me, asked me for my MSN, and the rest, as they say, is history. At first, we chatted irregularly, once every few days or so. On 17 August, however, everything took a turn for the better. We started messaging each other more; sometimes we’d last anywhere from 3 to 4 hours, just sitting and sending each other messages. I became enamored with him; everything about him was perfect! We had the same interests: history, politics, books, and all this for a guy who was 18 (I’m 19). We even shared some interesting commonalities; he and I are both altar boys, we both come from big families, and we are both firmly planted in the closet. In no time at all, I think we became too sweet to each other — and we’ve never even met!
The trouble started a few days ago.
You see, I sent him my pics– but they were not actually my pics. They were of my best friend. For several hours, I just lay on my bed, weeping, sobbing, haunted by the thought that he was not really in love with me the same way I was for him. I eventually got the courage to just tell him the truth the next day, but not before a massive dramathon that’s sure to make the Philippine movie industry proud. So I confessed it all to him; I apologized, from the bottom of my heart, tears practically streaming down my face, for deceiving him; I hated it so much. I don’t like lying to him, not at all, and I was proud that I finally learnt to be honest with him. I sent him my real pics– and guess what, he thought I was cute! And here I was, thinking that everything was going to change because of that revelation. Boy was I wrong.
Sweet as it is, this is, unfortunately, not the end of my problems. In my strong desire for him, I forgot ( or ‘prudently neglected’, if you like) to tell him that I was not yet an immigrant to the United States. He’s from Michigan, I’m from California– at least this is where I’ve been staying the past few months. Unfortunately, life has to intervene, and I will be going back to Manila to continue my studies soon (I took a year off). Yet another hurdle to overcome; another potential heartache and cause of sleepless nights. I could very well end up staying in Manila for another three years.
How do I tell him this? How do I manage to sustain something that he and I truly think is beautiful and worth fighting for? We’ve all read what the experts say about long distance love (or long distance relationships / LDR); it’s all a pleasant fiction in the end, they say. I know intimacy is something VERY important in a relationship, and I am willing to fight for that. I know that he feels the same way toward me, even after I’ve lied and deceived him. I know that some readers might find this naive; like I said, this is the first time I’m truly falling in love, and I am stuck in a world where people just don’t believe in it anymore. What can I do? I know what I must do, and I really am willing to make it work. Someday, somehow, I’ll find him, and we’ll be together. I just don’t know if we could last that long. I don’t know if the world will wait.
I believe in love. I believe in fate. But in a cynical world that frowns on such things, what am I to do? Am I just another Don Quixote fighing vainly for something that can never be? Should I take it more slowly and build my friendship with him first? Please help me. I just feel so lost and confused lately.
Ethan
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