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Hi Migs. Call me Ethan. This is the first time I’m writing your site, but have been an avid reader of yours since 2006. It has been a source of comfort and relief for me, knowing that I’m not alone in my struggles in this world. Anyway, the reason I’m writing is because I too have a problem. I think I’m in love, for the first time in my life. Let me explain.

It started almost two weeks ago. I ‘met’ him, of all places, in a porn site. He saw my profile, messaged me, asked me for my MSN, and the rest, as they say, is history. At first, we chatted irregularly, once every few days or so. On 17 August, however, everything took a turn for the better. We started messaging each other more; sometimes we’d last anywhere from 3 to 4 hours, just sitting and sending each other messages. I became enamored with him; everything about him was perfect! We had the same interests: history, politics, books, and all this for a guy who was 18 (I’m 19). We even shared some interesting commonalities; he and I are both altar boys, we both come from big families, and we are both firmly planted in the closet. In no time at all, I think we became too sweet to each other — and we’ve never even met!

The trouble started a few days ago.

You see, I sent him my pics– but they were not actually my pics. They were of my best friend. For several hours, I just lay on my bed, weeping, sobbing, haunted by the thought that he was not really in love with me the same way I was for him. I eventually got the courage to just tell him the truth the next day, but not before a massive dramathon that’s sure to make the Philippine movie industry proud. So I confessed it all to him; I apologized, from the bottom of my heart, tears practically streaming down my face, for deceiving him; I hated it so much. I don’t like lying to him, not at all, and I was proud that I finally learnt to be honest with him. I sent him my real pics– and guess what, he thought I was cute! And here I was, thinking that everything was going to change because of that revelation. Boy was I wrong.

Sweet as it is, this is, unfortunately, not the end of my problems. In my strong desire for him, I forgot ( or ‘prudently neglected’, if you like) to tell him that I was not yet an immigrant to the United States. He’s from Michigan, I’m from California– at least this is where I’ve been staying the past few months. Unfortunately, life has to intervene, and I will be going back to Manila to continue my studies soon (I took a year off). Yet another hurdle to overcome; another potential heartache and cause of sleepless nights. I could very well end up staying in Manila for another three years.

How do I tell him this? How do I manage to sustain something that he and I truly think is beautiful and worth fighting for? We’ve all read what the experts say about long distance love (or long distance relationships / LDR); it’s all a pleasant fiction in the end, they say. I know intimacy is something VERY important in a relationship, and I am willing to fight for that. I know that he feels the same way toward me, even after I’ve lied and deceived him. I know that some readers might find this naive; like I said, this is the first time I’m truly falling in love, and I am stuck in a world where people just don’t believe in it anymore. What can I do? I know what I must do, and I really am willing to make it work. Someday, somehow, I’ll find him, and we’ll be together. I just don’t know if we could last that long. I don’t know if the world will wait.

I believe in love. I believe in fate. But in a cynical world that frowns on such things, what am I to do? Am I just another Don Quixote fighing vainly for something that can never be? Should I take it more slowly and build my friendship with him first? Please help me. I just feel so lost and confused lately.

Ethan

Comments (16)

  1. hayden said on 08-09-2008

    Ethan, if you really love him he deserves to know the truth.
    hey mr 052, does your real name starts with letter “D”? ala lang, its just that you remind me of someone, I think, I lost. I miss him so much.

  2. mr 052 said on 01-09-2008

    look at that. just change the names and it’s my story. i wanna talk this guy out of it. i’m still alive though so i suppose he can hope for the better

  3. fratboi02 said on 01-09-2008

    if its perfect as it is already, then i dont think there will be a reason for you to be alarmed that you’re moving back to the PI. a Michigan-California love affair is not exactly short distance so you’ve been in a long distance love affair all this time.
    Anyaway, you’ll never know if the person on the other side of the world is saying the truth(i have been in 2 long distance relationships already)…you just have to trust the person and his word is the only thing you have. now hear this, how can he trust you when you’ve already lied to him? What you did was not exactly a small or white lie…That was major!

  4. cebuqueer said on 01-09-2008

    Bakleeta Aketch Says:
    August 30th, 2008 at 11:35 am
    Di ko type ang kwento.
    —> ako din. kebs lang.

    Pero ha, sana may I know din naman sana someone from a big and influencial family, di ko pa na experience yun.hehehe. Sana may magkamali sa akin. Oh well, sana kahit di big and influencial basta matino at malaki. Basta… I dont know, sa mga kwento dito parang I am in dire need of someone to share my life with.

    I have a QUESTION, if you’re discreet (at least), how would you let the guy know that you like him?

  5. rommel said on 01-09-2008

    Ethan, you’re obviously 19. After 10 years you will look back and say to yourself “Grabe ang babaw ko pala noon”. I know you are being emotional, I just want to tell you relax, dont stress about it too much and life will be better after sometime. It’s infatuation. You might be over it as you read this.

  6. the yellow shirt re invented said on 31-08-2008

    Ethan,
    isa lang ang masasabi ko dyan. Go. Yun na yun, either go be a tnt, or go home, or go tell him, or go rant about it later, just go and do something about it. Something more than writing about it.

  7. andreas said on 31-08-2008

    kolokohan. really ridiculous. but understandable. get over it!

  8. maroon.guy said on 31-08-2008

    ethan, try to work it out. think which is better, going back to manila for your studies or stay there for good and just see your guy.

  9. jay said on 30-08-2008

    this is my first time to actually comment on this site.. but i just couldnt help myself…
    ethan… you guys are way too young to be in a LDR, meet up with him, enjoy him for what he is a fling… then let go and move on

    You’ll probably think its the end of the world but it wont be… youll move on he’s gonna move on, and a whole lot more is gonna happen to you… so better strap in your seat belt because youre in for more bumps and grinds…  

  10. broken_heart said on 30-08-2008

    Ethan… Little boy, theres lots to learn. Ive been thru this many times. Since you started on being honest, tell him about the 2nd truth and you will find out hes gonna be cool with it and hes gonna find some other guy in the same site you “met” each other. Then you are gonna weep big time in Manila and be miserable and constantly have fluid dripping down ur nose. We dont want that.:)

  11. crinkleton said on 30-08-2008

    meet up with him. then you guys could take off from there. Nothing happens in the online world.

  12. perfida limpin said on 30-08-2008

    malasado. next!

  13. neil said on 30-08-2008

    ang babaw mo day! you’re still considered an adolescent in the gay world. try to enjoy it while you’re young. there’s more to come…

  14. yohan said on 30-08-2008

    Been there, done that, and guess what, kahit ilang beses natin ideny or whatever, things like that really are ‘pleasant fiction’ while it lasts. And masyado ka pa bata para magpaka-miserable sa buhay. Prioritize yourself first. I suggest you offer friendship na lang muna & maintain contact. Who knows,you might just pull through to better things in time. And if not, well being friends is already a better thing in itself.

  15. Little Fish said on 30-08-2008

    Sinira mo na ang pinaka halaga sa lahat…
    TRUST and HONESTY.
    Caucasians are very keen when it comes to trust and honesty, kaya mataas ang statistics ng divorce sa kanila. They can forgive but can’t forget.

    You are too young to indulge in such petty problems of yours…..go out, have fun and enjoy life. But, darling start with a clean slate…..be true to yourself…don’t be a fakers…pretenders….it will get you nowhere.

    Move on….let go!

  16. Bakleeta Aketch said on 30-08-2008

    Di ko type ang kwento.

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