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Support Group for Closeted Gay Guys
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Hi Migs,
I bet you might be tired of getting emails about guys being in the closet, but reading some of the letters on your blog I muscled up some strength to ask for just assistance, I’m actually looking for like a support group for people like me, or others like me (confused, troubled, down-low, closet). I’m just a regular working bloke and can’t afford a shrink, I’m living independently both of my parents passed away already, and as for support of my brothers & sisters that’s another story.
I always try to brush away this dilemma of mine and think there are way more serious problems in this world we live in and just be content that I have a place to sleep, food to eat, money in my pocket, stable job. But then..(I know it sounds like a cliche)..for the past 30+ years of my life there’s like a big sack of dirt in my shoulders that I’m trying to lift each and every single day, trying not to drag me down.
I would often think of ways to numb this feeling like try some drugs or drinking, but I willed myself not go to that route, sorry I’m still having a hard time expressing this situation, but if you don’t have any idea if such a support group exist, your blog has been helpful in making me aware of what I am feeling, thank you.
Dean
Hi Dean,
I applaud you for your humility in admitting that you need a support group. I am a great believer that our journey as gay men (closeted or out) is much easier and more enjoyable if we choose to travel alongside people like us. I do not know of any specific support group that caters to closeted gay men, but I’m pretty sure our fellow MGG readers have some ideas.
Good luck and all the best to you, Dean!
Migs
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Kudos to the gay guys who knows what they want and admitted to themselves and to other people who they really are. As for people like me and Dean, accepting it is quite a challenge. In my case the big reason for not coming out is because I still have plans on getting married and raising a supportive family. Sex for me is not that great deal but feelings are more important. Take the emotional intimacy away and you will be left with just sex which for me is not worth the days of being alone/growing old lonely and blowing up the chance for raising a stable family. I find that intimacy with same sex is intense but fleeting as compared to the less intense but more stable relationship with a woman. Some guys may say that we can, as gay guys develop a stable and long term relationship also which I also believe but how often is that? In my case, solid role models who can demonstrate how it is done will surely help a lot in motivating me to get that “leap of faith”. But for now a support group for guys with same situation like me is a great idea. Migs, thank you so much for this site. It’s a big help.
Jack at Sep 24, 08 at 11:57 pm
HI Dean,
I am sure there are blogs out there.
Why dont you start a blog? I ‘ll be willing to join?
ED
Ed at Sep 25, 08 at 12:34 am
hello there dean,
based on my experience, the best way for you to aleast lift those unwanted dirty off your shoulders is by starting to take one grain after another. now i can tell you that this is hardly an easy path, but this is one of the most worthwhile things you can actually do for yourself. lesser weight means you can focus on the important things in your life.
now heres what you can do. pick out the most trust worthy person you know who will accept you as who you are. the purpose of this is by letting yourself have a confidant. someone that you can pour your heart to that can offer you some constructive criticisms in the future (believe me – thats important). after your comfortable with this, you can start selecting the friends that you trust who will be able to accept you as who you are and try hanging out with them, and they will be ok hanging out with you by just being you. that way you start to have some friends that you will be able to be comfortable with. lastly, and this is the hardest but most crucial, confide to the most important people in your life of who you are. and on the process, let them respect you as who you are not only coz of the things that you have done for them, but because you love them and they love you.
i know that the thing above are hardest thigns to do especially the last one, but they are a neccessary act. the only tip i can tell you, is take it slow.
thats how to make your own support system. theres no suck thing as trust no one, otherwise you’d live in a pessimistic world where you’ll be paranoid all your life. be open to trust, but select those whom you trust
hope this helps you. im concerned. try watching some gay movies, it can help you search answers . i recommend you watchign shelter and bishuden if you can 
good luck and work hard.
MR_EX_SITE at Sep 25, 08 at 7:57 am
Hi there Dean!
If you’re gay, you’re going to run into prejudice. Our society has
a “heterosexual assumption.” We’re taught – by our family, our
schools, our religion, and the media – to assume that everyone is
straight, and we’re often influence to discriminate against those who
aren’t.
People often fear what they don’t understand, and hate what they
fear. That’s the basis of prejudice, and when it’s aimed at gays,
it’s called homophobia.
Homophobia is being challenged, however, as more and more people are
learning that being gay is as normal and healthy as being straight.
Attitudes are starting to change partly because other people are
standing and saying, “I’m gay and I’m proud.”
Hiding the fact that you’re gay is called “being in the closet.”
Being open about it is called “coming out.” You can come out to one
person, to friends and family only, or to everyone you know. It’s up
to you!
You should “come out” only if you want to, and only when you’re
ready. Don’t come out just because someone else thinks you should.
Hiding your sexual orientation keeps the important people in your
life from knowing a big part of you. Hiding the fact of who you are
keeps your relationships from being real. At some point, many gays
find that loneliness and isolation of keeping a secret is worse than
any fear of coming out.
Before you come out to others, you have to come out to yourself. That
means not only knowing you’re gay, but being comfortable with being
gay, and being sure of who you are as a person.
Keep in mind that knowing you’re gay is just being aware of one more
piece of who you are. You’re the same person you were before: you
just know more about yourself!
Maybe I can help you in your journey. Feel free to e-mail me at: sphynx1972@gmail.com
You can check out this websites: http://mccph.wordpress.com
Sphynx at Sep 25, 08 at 9:31 am
Dean:
acceptance and fear are the two most common obstacles for those gays who remain in the closet. sometimes age or maturity gives a gay person the confidence to finally come-out. sometimes the passing of both parents is a turning point because for most gays, it is the most difficult act to finally come to out their parents. you will have to accept yourself fully as a gay person before you can come out. you must also accept the fact that some will reject you because of who you are. that is why a lot of gays who are out are a tough bunch. you are right in your decision to look for support, but it is really not as scary as you might think. you will not die, in fact nobody will die. life will go on and the freedom and lightness that you’ll feel will be priceless. i hope you will find the support that you are seeking. best of luck to you.
darkly at Sep 25, 08 at 9:53 am
pwedeng simulan ang support group
Jay Franco at Sep 25, 08 at 12:16 pm
The problem with forming a support group for closeted gay men is a conundrum that has been tackled over and over again. How does one form a support group if your target audience is afraid to be seen or identified with the said group? It is a problem that feeds on itself. The first step is the hardest and that is to accept yourself and push back the paranoia. Breathe a little. Allow yourself to meet people that might become your support group. In other words, you need to step out a little out of that big ol’ closet.
In my early 20s there were several support groups for discreet gay men (discreet but not closeted. note the difference) that would meet up once every 2 weeks to have an open forum of sorts. Sadly they are not around anymore for different reasons, at least none that I know of anymore.
Tony at Sep 25, 08 at 2:53 pm
Hi Dean,
I have somewhat the same position that you have right now. However, in my case, I have come out to some of my friends but only one in my family. But still, I have this fear to be labeled as “bakla or Bayot” though I admit I am one. Coming out to my family, as I perceive, is the hardest for me. My family expects something of me being the eldest and being the role model of my cousins, nephews and nieces as being relayed by my aunts and uncles because of my accomplishments and worthwhile attitude(char!).
Having a support group may not be entirely feasible. However, the help of the Internet has given me the opportunity to share my views and opinions being a gay man though closeted. I have gained friends from other parts of the world because of my participation in forum discussions. And to ear out my sentiments, views and opinions being a closeted gay man, I have created blog sites. http://caturse.blogspot.com
However, still, it is different and better if it is a personal interaction where you can meet your support group. A support group may be viable through the Internet, but meeting the group face-to-face is yet to be tested to be considered entirely possible.
If you ever decided to create a blog for closeted gay man, please let me know so I can join.
my email ad is: caturse1483@gmail.com
Even in the Internet, I am closeted and using aliases because I have once been part of an Online Marketing company operating through the Internet. But I bet, they know about me na. heheheh
caturse14 at Sep 25, 08 at 10:16 pm
hay naku! magiging hadahan lang yang grupong yan! hahahaha
Marco Jordan at Sep 26, 08 at 2:54 pm
I must admit that I’ve never known how it felt to be a trapped gay guy. My family, and everyone around has accepted me even before I came out (basically, no coming out required), and that I have been clueless up until the point that I had a boyfriend who wasn’t out. I was ignorant of his requisites as a closeted gay guy, that I nearly outed him (but I think it didn’t prosper, fortunately). And then on, I started to have friends who were closeted of whom I finally understood. I no longer made fun of them because they’re closeted and can’t act their true selves (my apologies), and became someone – an ate of sorts (syempre, bakla eh) – whom they can run to. I do hope that peace would someday come to those who feel like what you guys feel – much like what I have right now. I am very thankful (tipong level that somebody gave you a Louis Vuitton Beaubourg tote) that I have a family and friends (and a wonderfully sweet boyfriend) who accepted me for who I am – oversized man-bag and all. Support groups are great, but a nice set of friends are way better, you just have to be careful with whom you are with. A toast to every gay guy, closeted man o hindi, who makes the world a lil’ bit colorful to his sistahs! c”,)
Burn at Sep 29, 08 at 8:29 pm
why not try BAGONG PAG-ASA support group that meets every Monday at the Vineyard Fellowship at Kamuning corner EDSA. Look for Carl, Richard or Fernan. I am sure you find acceptance and growth in this group. For detail, go to http://www.bagongpagasa.multiply.com
Nicholas De Guzman at Sep 29, 08 at 11:10 pm
Hi Dean,
We are in exactly the same situation right now. Just turned 32 yo, stable job, financially independent, both parents dead. Up to now I’m still a closeted gay. Although Im not out, I’m sure my relatives knows that I’m one. Jusko naman, 32 years old di man lang nagka-gf even once!
Im grateful for outed gays like Burn (one of the posts here) who understands gays in the closet. We are like this because there’s always a reason. I had an emotional trauma in early childhood about acceptance on being gay.
I don’t know what is it when you come past the age of 30, suddenly there’s big a void in front of you. I’m actually suffering a big bout of depression right now. In the past, I did not believe that there’s such thing as depression. God how it hit me big time.
I’m looking for friends like you who are in the same boat. I would like to take the advise of Burn, however, its really difficult in my situation as I’m in Dubai where outed gays or being with one attracts unwanted attention. My email address is meripipin@yahoo.com.
Meri at Sep 30, 08 at 3:30 am
M looking for a support group also. There’s this bible study group thats been inviting me every week to join them but never had a nerve to do so. Im looking for a support group that caters outside spirituality, if there any……………
karpintero at Sep 30, 08 at 1:49 pm
Hey guys Dean here, thank you all for the comments and for just reaching out, just like the last poster said I too also avoid a support group that infuses spirituality, but reading some of the post it gave me ways on how to cope somehow, thank you.
Dean at Oct 3, 08 at 4:53 pm
Sexuality is a complicated thing. It has been defined several time but I think there’s more to it
and same-sex attraction is part of it.
I am sharing myself by presenting my background, my profile, my travel and my actions. This is my view are based on my personal experience, articles read (can’t cite actual articles anymore),
psychological assistance through life coach and personal reflection.
I don’t have enough luxury to edit this and present it in a more detailed chronological order. Might intention is to provide information and provide solace for whatever it is worth. We might not have a support group but this is better than nothing.
My Profile
———–
Sex: Male
Age : 24 yrs. old
Built : Medium
Feature : Good looking
Family Ordinal Position : Youngest among a brood of 3
Income Bracket: Middle-Class
Itrovert/Extrovert: Extrovert, but at times can be introvert during a new environment
Thinker/Feeler: Feeler, but usually thinks about situations
My Mom: Submissive to my Dad since he is the bread winner (my mom feels she needed to do everything for him bec. My Dad is the provider and he tends to make “sumbat” things to her). She came from a family who the husband would put his wife to the pedestal
My Dad: Head of the household, intelligent and has a strong personality. Corporate person. Emotionally immature – would burst into anger if provoked by people whom he sees ranks less than him. Came from a separated family, spoiled, bread winner when he was growing up.
Relationship: Girlfriend of 5 years, active sex life
Homosexual sex relationship: 1 night of same sex with a stranger
There were several factors that I think contributed to my sexual development or the stunning of it:
1. Religion – my interpretation included respect to woman thus shying away from impure thoughts directed to them and to type cast women as “pure” beings and to treat them nicely and respectfully all the time
2. My Father – there is a distance ‘coz I didn’t want to be like him since he tends to leave my mom when they fight; he is focused with my older brother
3. Relationship with Sister and Mother – I think I should always protect them, and this trickled down to other woman whom I thought that I should always be kind and respectful to women
4. Lack of voice to actual asks about being a man
5. A shocking view of porn where a man and woman having sex and the woman was screaming and crying, I interpreted it as an act that women get hurt
6. To think I was better than my older brother, i thought i was smarter – lack of same sex association
7. Lack of pride within myself since I compared myself to my group of friends who are smart-and-talented and good looking
There are things that confuses me:
1. I get girl crushes
2. I get man crush – guys you would idolize
3. I get erection looking at good looking men at showbiz
4. I don’t get erection at men who I respect at showbiz
5. I get hot and horny with my girl friend
6. Gay advocacy in the west for the same sex marriage
7. Family life (Man-woman with children) in contrast to Gay life
8. My erection to woman looking at men’s magazine is not that hard as contrast to gay porn
9. I feel good holding my woman in my arms and putting her in my chest as if like I can protect her. I like to put her head on the gap between my chin and my shoulder as If I am a man that gets filled by her presence
10. One night of gay sex when my woman and I went to splitville (note: I was an emotional wreck and I needed to find some sort of strength and stability; also, an opportunity to explore myself during this situation). That night, no kissing bec it is reserved with someone I love, no
anal penetration bec I didn’t dare go to that way, I didn’t do any blow job, I did a hand job though.
The other guy sucked me and it felt great – sexually and emotionally.
The guy was sucking me and was looking at me as if admiring me. It was a guilt trip that night, the guy wasn’t bad looking and he adored every inch of me – physically, and mentally during our chat.
There were times I tried to search for myself:
1. I read books
2. I enrolled with a life coach
3. I reflected
I acted based on what I have researched and learned:
1. I continue my work
2. Bettered my relationship with my father – differentiate my relationship with him, and his relationship with my mom
3. Trying to practice the things I believe in and not be pushed by other people
4. I try to search for other things that interest me
5. Re-kindle my love for sports
6. Be a better son and brother
7. Be a good boy friend
The most recent thing I did to find myself is actually to get myself a boyfriend…yes I found a boyfriend and I keep a picture of him on my mobile phone. I found my boyfriend to be…me.
It was a guilty pleasure.
1. I ask my boyfriend…How are you? Kamusta ka na?
2. I praise him from time-to-time
3. I take care of him by knowing the thing he needs and want
4. I ask him of his beliefs and I encourage him to practice what he thinks
5. I treat him with food and clothes
6. I give him a hug most of the time
I think we go through more of finding who we are and this includes our sexuality.
Barong at Oct 6, 08 at 1:02 am
Barong.. if you’re really serious about understanding whats happening to you.. email me.. I read your article and it was like reading mine when I was your age… but now I’m married with kids.. silkenblue@live.com
Sil at Nov 8, 08 at 10:46 pm
being discreet or closeted is really a tough thing to be in. i would say that im a discreet guy…growing up was not that easy. most of my cuzins wer straight so i was very much expected to act like one until now its very hard for me to attend to fmly gatherings as my relatives constantly pressure me to hav a gf (i had one before) since a lot of girls do hav crush on me like. now im 23 and working as a nurse at a private company. i hav heard of my co workers tok bout me but those rumors do not even affect me at all… not even once because i know that wat u are does not affect with how u work. they can say bad thing bout me but i ask myself, “do they pay me?” what wil i get by minding wat they say?”, . i knw that being in the closet is very tough but if we all join together and talk then im prety sure wel become beter persons as we learn frm one another. I AM ONE WITH YOU…feel free to email me if ur also discreet or closet in cebu.. harveylovey@hotmail.com
lloyd at Mar 29, 09 at 9:17 pm
First of all, I am a life coach who intends to make life easier for all. I finished my master’s degree in counseling from one of the best universities here in Metro Manila. During the course of our studies, we discussed gay counseling and in fact, this was one of my topics during my comprehensive examination. I just want to do my share in making life a bit easier and less cruel for all of us – gay or straight. It is my wish to form a support group for gay men who find it sometimes difficult to face the daily grinds of life. I am also a gay person who have already known, understood, accepted and loved myself for what I am. This does not mean that I allow people to disrespect me. Self- knowledge and acceptance are important factors to self-actualization. Life is about choices and surely, happiness is always a choice!
Let’s keep in touch.
My email address
kiko_ddm04@yahoo.com
KIKO at May 28, 09 at 12:34 pm
You can try to explore our group if you think that is what you’re looking for. Thanks.
Courage Philippines at May 29, 09 at 11:23 am
Hi Dean,
I myself, have been in search for these support groups in Manila. Sadly, it has be difficult, to say the least. MGG, it seems, is a good place to at least find that window for us to express ourselves.
I once posted an inquiry for a group that might exist here, for straight acting professionals, who are really just out to look for good friends, and be themselves in a discreet medium of meeting. I think what I erred in, is to limit this inquiry on those who are 40 and above. I won’t deny that I was offended by a comment posted, but then, maybe, I was and still remain sensitive about the matter, as I really have no support group to be a part of.
Nonetheless, maybe your posting, might be a beginning, not just for you or I, but many others who I suspect, just really need to be with each other, share, and grow in our personal realizatiions and difficulties.
Carlos
carlos at Dec 10, 09 at 4:39 am