I myself, have been in search for these support groups in Manila. Sadly, it has be difficult, to say the least. MGG, it seems, is a good place to at least find that window for us to express ourselves.

I once posted an inquiry for a group that might exist here, for straight acting professionals, who are really just out to look for good friends, and be themselves in a discreet medium of meeting. I think what I erred in, is to limit this inquiry on those who are 40 and above. I won’t deny that I was offended by a comment posted, but then, maybe, I was and still remain sensitive about the matter, as I really have no support group to be a part of.

Nonetheless, maybe your posting, might be a beginning, not just for you or I, but many others who I suspect, just really need to be with each other, share, and grow in our personal realizatiions and difficulties.

Carlos

I am sharing myself by presenting my background, my profile, my travel and my actions. This is my view are based on my personal experience, articles read (can’t cite actual articles anymore),
psychological assistance through life coach and personal reflection.

I don’t have enough luxury to edit this and present it in a more detailed chronological order. Might intention is to provide information and provide solace for whatever it is worth. We might not have a support group but this is better than nothing.

My Profile
———–
Sex: Male
Age : 24 yrs. old
Built : Medium
Feature : Good looking
Family Ordinal Position : Youngest among a brood of 3
Income Bracket: Middle-Class
Itrovert/Extrovert: Extrovert, but at times can be introvert during a new environment
Thinker/Feeler: Feeler, but usually thinks about situations
My Mom: Submissive to my Dad since he is the bread winner (my mom feels she needed to do everything for him bec.  My Dad is the provider and he tends to make “sumbat” things to her). She came from a family who the husband would put his wife to the pedestal
My Dad: Head of the household, intelligent and has a strong personality. Corporate person. Emotionally immature – would burst into anger if provoked by people whom he sees ranks less than him. Came from a separated family, spoiled, bread winner when he was growing up.
Relationship: Girlfriend of 5 years, active sex life
Homosexual sex relationship: 1 night of same sex with a stranger

There were several factors that I think contributed to my sexual development or the stunning of it:
1. Religion – my interpretation included respect to woman thus shying away from impure thoughts directed to them and to type cast women as “pure” beings and to treat them nicely and respectfully all the time
2. My Father – there is a distance ‘coz I didn’t want to be like him since he tends to leave my mom when they fight; he is focused with my older brother 
3. Relationship with Sister and Mother – I think I should always protect them, and this trickled down to other woman whom I thought that I should  always be kind and respectful to women
4. Lack of voice to actual asks about being a man
5. A shocking view of porn where a man and woman having sex and the woman was screaming and crying, I interpreted it as an act that  women get hurt
6. To think I was better than my older brother, i thought i was smarter – lack of same sex association
7. Lack of pride within myself since I compared myself to my group of friends who are smart-and-talented and good looking

There are things that confuses me:
1. I get girl crushes
2. I get man crush – guys you would idolize
3. I get erection looking at good looking men at showbiz
4. I don’t get erection at men who I respect at showbiz
5. I get hot and horny with my girl friend
6. Gay advocacy in the west for the same sex marriage
7. Family life (Man-woman with children) in contrast  to Gay life
8. My erection to woman looking at men’s magazine is not that hard as contrast to gay porn
9. I feel good holding my woman in my arms and putting her in my chest as if like I can protect her. I like to put her head on the gap between my chin and my shoulder as If I am a man that gets filled by her presence
10. One night of gay sex when my woman and I went to splitville (note: I was an emotional wreck and I needed to  find some sort of strength and stability; also, an opportunity to explore myself during this situation).  That night, no kissing bec it is reserved with someone I love, no
anal penetration bec I didn’t dare go to that way, I didn’t do any blow job, I did a hand job though.
The other guy sucked me and it felt great – sexually and emotionally.
The guy was sucking me and was looking at me as if admiring me. It was a guilt trip that night, the guy wasn’t bad  looking and he adored every inch of me – physically, and mentally during our chat. 

There were times I tried to search for myself:
1. I read books
2. I enrolled with a life coach
3. I reflected

I acted based on what I have researched and learned:
1. I continue my work
2. Bettered my relationship with my father – differentiate my relationship with him, and his relationship with my mom
3. Trying to practice the things I believe in and not be pushed by other people
4. I try to search for other things that interest me
5. Re-kindle my love for sports
6. Be a better son and brother
7. Be a good boy friend

The most recent thing I did to find myself is actually to get myself a boyfriend…yes I found a boyfriend and I keep a picture of him on my mobile phone. I found my boyfriend to be…me.

It was a guilty pleasure.

1. I ask my boyfriend…How are you? Kamusta ka na?
2. I praise him from time-to-time
3. I take care of him by knowing the thing he needs and want
4. I ask him of his beliefs and I encourage him to practice what he thinks
5. I treat him with food and clothes
6. I give him a hug most of the time

I think we go through more of finding who we are and this includes our sexuality.

We are in exactly the same situation right now. Just turned 32 yo, stable job, financially independent, both parents dead. Up to now I’m still a closeted gay. Although Im not out, I’m sure my relatives knows that I’m one. Jusko naman, 32 years old di man lang nagka-gf even once!

Im grateful for outed gays like Burn (one of the posts here) who understands gays in the closet. We are like this because there’s always a reason. I had an emotional trauma in early childhood about acceptance on being gay.

I don’t know what is it when you come past the age of 30, suddenly there’s big a void in front of you. I’m actually suffering a big bout of depression right now. In the past, I did not believe that there’s such thing as depression. God how it hit me big time.

I’m looking for friends like you who are in the same boat. I would like to take the advise of Burn, however, its really difficult in my situation as I’m in Dubai where outed gays or being with one attracts unwanted attention. My email address is meripipin@yahoo.com.