[This is a contribution from MGG reader named Red. Posting it here, verbatim.]
I’d like to share my own experience, though too long for the viewers’ eyes. This is something unbelievable and could make for a good script for a movie that it could even rival the story of the Brokeback Mountain. Just to find release, I’d like to see it posted in no less than Migs’ site, so that others may be enlightened or inspired, or of whatever purpose it could serve to the readers. More importantly, my story opposes that of the twink-hungry and abusive PLU (gay) teachers’ usual portrayal by the media. Let me do it by way of using Southborder’s famous songs and the songs I’d love to listen to.
For reasons I still don’t know up to this moment, after graduation and passing my licensure exam, a former professor invited me to consider teaching in the University. I felt surprised and flattered just the same. Initially, I turned him down. My profession has nothing to do with serious teaching. Working abroad has always been the sole option for us graduates of this course. Then after some serious considerations, even with my parents’ utmost opposition to what I have decided on, I told myself why not give it a try. After all, I knew I have what it takes to be a teacher.
Before the opening of the class, I primed myself and readied for the job ahead. While I fret the thought of being in front of students and try to look a master on the subjects I was to teach them, it made me excited that at long last, I would have the say at how students should be best trained to become good professionals. Being an idealistic that I am/was, I have set a standard for myself: I’ll just simply teach. No more, no less.. I have promised to myself I wouldn’t get too personal with students.
Off to my scheduled classes I went. My first few days teaching were mostly consumed at trying to give an air of what a terror teacher is. I bombarded the students with quizzes, journal readings, recitations and the likes. I was getting successful at it. They could not reconcile the thought that a teacher who comes to classes in Chuck Taylor’s and was always in good looking appearance was at his strict-as-he-could-get mode. Sometimes, when I remember this moment, I laugh at myself trying hard to appear strict. No student would dare approach me and establish rapport with. (for a more colorful depiction of my life as a young teacher, visit this blog that I created: www.angtitchera.blogspot.com)
Until somebody dared to. He was the block’s leader. And one of the better-looking students in my classes. I have often contacted him thru sms and gave him instructions on what his block should do every meeting with me. He was my college crush, I have to admit. I have good recall as to how I tried to make a girl friend ask him his number in the guise of some student council interest when I was a college senior then. But I never texted him. So it was a shock seeing him attending my class, and leading his blockmates.
I was thrilled by the thought of exchanging sms while appearing professional in dealing with him. During college, I have had girlfriends. I haven’t outed myself to close friends. Until my BFF outed himself to me and persuaded me to do the same. And I did. Going back to him texting me, we initially exchanged sms dealing with class issues only. We would often ask me about the block’s next meeting assignment and activities. Or I would do the same to him; instruct him to do something for the block.
Then I wasn’t able to contain myself. For reasons of convenience, I transferred to a nearby dormitory, just some steps away from the University. I was always left alone by dormmates who were college bestfriends.. During the nights, I would often feel I was by my lonesome. So, to cut the story short, I would make papansin with mr. class leader by sending him wrong-sent sms. And he would respond to it gamely. Until we became textmates.
Weeks passed, we found ourselves talking over the phone. That night was the beginning of it all. He was the first to admit to have a crush on me. I almost jumped out of the couch after hearing it. Of course, being the teacher that I was I never admitted to him that he was my crush ever since college. Questions like doubting his intention for telling me about it came to my mind. What if he was just trying to play it with me? But the night we talked was more of a night of revelation. I was able to know all about him, even his age. I was shocked at knowing he was older than me. It was the best telephone conversation I’ve ever had. And from that night, I knew I found my match, after some long years of looking for it.
We managed to be as-usual while inside the classroom, as if we never talked personally and exchanged intimate details about ourselves over the phone. It made me happy. And I never even bothered of feeling flattered by female students flirting with me, obviously or un-obviously.
Two days before my birthday, he texted me: “Sir, happy birthday! Mwah!” and I naughtily replied with: “Kiss lang?!” It was silence after. Then, a reply came: “Where is your dorm? I’d like to drop by”. Oh boy, I almost fainted at the thought of him visiting over.
HABANG ATIN ANG GABI
Then it came. I opened my dorm’s door for him. He was with some of the best foods he could bring, knowing that he cooks very well. It was as if we’ve known each other for so long already. He even brought picture albums that he’d like to share with me. We talked and laughed at our stories until 3 in the morning. Of course, we have to go to sleep. Or so I think.
While Southborder’s Habang Atin Ang Gabi was playing in my desktop PC, we shared the night. It was my first, while it wasn’t his, and he was really good at it. The background music was fitting with the moment we were sharing. Yes, it was bloody for me. But I didn’t care. After it, we exchanged I love you’s. It was my first time to have ever smiled before retiring for a sleep.
We became an item. We managed to think of ways of making our relationship discreet. Only bestfriends should know, was our first rule. We would only date kilometers away from the University, unless we want to be caught by other students who were more than willing to probe what the snub-looking teacher is doing with a student.
Inside the classroom, we were the usual teacher-student set-up. Except for two chosen classmates, nobody knew what we had. Every day, I was always in bliss. I looked better, as students noticed. It was then that more admirers came to me, mostly of course female students. Some were just admirers, while others came to a point of obsession. But I never cared. I had what I considered then the best lovelife I could give myself with..
WHEREVER YOU ARE
Then I started to loosen up inside the class, and was starting to smile more, courtesy of him. Students who were die-hard fans would invite me often for a date. I did it with some of the female students, just for the spirit of goodness. But, take note, he would drive me and bring me to these dates. While dating, he would pass by and inspect the girl. He would then text me: “Chaka naman nyan, tapusin mo na agad yan. Haha!” Then I would smile.
Being a first-timer, I was always emotional. I was always intimidated by the stories he told me about his exes. It wasn’t blissful always I was trying to believe. I became vulnerable to temptation too. A day after a very heated argument over one big deal of an issue, I gave in to a tempting invitation by a college friend.. He was a college crush also. He knew it too that I have just outed myself.. I gave in. Then guilt found its way on me. I admitted it to him. He was furious. He even threatened to embarrass me inside the classroom. I panicked. For days, we would often exchange fingers pointing the blame at each one.
Still, we managed to reconcile. He still accepted me. His love for me did it. I was thankful. Where on earth could I find someone like him? I was really, really guilty. How could I do it to him? Yet, because of what I have done, every time we would have some arguments, I was always reminded of the day I diverted from our paths. I had it from him for almost more than a year. It pained me. But then I have to take the consequences of my action. And I knew it then karma will find its way on me.
And it did. The days came when I found him treating me coldly. I wasn’t suspicious at first. Until a friend who was just more than concern told me all about why to my surprise he wanted to leave me. It was because of a schoolmate, younger than both of us. And of course, looked better than us. I confronted him about it. He was in denial. He just told me he wanted some relief from me. Until finally after some crying and begging from me, he admitted it. I slapped him in the face. Real hard. I knew he was hurt, but I was more than hurt.
It was so painful that I almost saw death coming my way.. My BFF came to the rescue. He would accompany me wherever I wanted to go, and listened to my musings about my life with him. My boyfriend was my student, and I was replaced by a student. I begged him to comeback, almost looking desperate at my attempts to do it. But my pleadings went to deaf ears.
I almost cried in the campus seeing them being together. I felt it unfair. While we were together, we just couldn’t be seen stroll the University by our lonesome. I told myself I have to move on. But it was hard to do so.
As I was trying to feel ok, to move on from the experience with a student, he then realized he loves me more than his new one. He was trying to beg for me to reconsider. For the love of him, I did consider a second chance for us.
My parents, who are devout Christians, had an inkling of what/where I was putting myself into. I was more than once confronted about it. Each time they did it, I denied it ’til no end. They wouldn’t believe me. I left our house, with great conviction that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just being myself. My love for him did it.
At the University, students started to notice my unusual closeness with him. I have never attended birthdays of students, except of him and his close friends. So to speak, it ignited suspicions among students. In fairness with me, I have never played favorite, of him and his bestfriends in the class. Grades were grades, so as scores. But his intellect often surpassed my expectations of him.
For two years we were together, secretly dating, hiding from the suspicions from not only by the students but college officials as well. It was a roller coaster ride, but it was well worth it. His close family members knew about us and wouldn’t care a bit. It made me happy, and he never complained about me hiding him from my family. I thought it would last a lifetime.
DI KA PALA DAPAT
His vulnerability once again attacked him. While he was at a student convention, he met another student that would make him feel special, one thing I just ignored at doing because I was busy being a professor and attending to my Master’s class. I knew what was happening. And it need not come from him. When I sensed something was terribly going wrong, I broke up with him.
I knew I made a good choice. I was enjoying my professorial job, on my way to finishing one of the hardest Master’s degrees in the University, and enjoying financial stability from part-time works on the side. I told myself it’s about time to move on from this experience: student love.
I was successful at it. I felt left alone again. But then I was able to rise up, thanks in part to my select BFFs who rescued me when I was feeling thrashed. I knew something bigger was on the offing. I knew I could make it: him leaving me on a highway journey and left me looking for somebody to pick me up in that highway. I thought it wouldn’t happen.
And it did. I was glad it did.
ALL MY LIFE
To my surprise, the first person to rescue me was another student. She made me feel ok again. Yes, she’s a she. She’s someone every guy in the university would dream of having. She’s one of the finest ladies in the university, a girl you’d be proud at bringing home and introduce to your parents. And your parents will be happy for you. She’s of that type.
But I never looked at her that way. She was a student for two years, second and third year. From the start, she has always made it apparent of her feelings for me. She didn’t care at admitting to close friends that I was her ultimate crush. One thing I couldn’t believe. Guys are drooling for her. Varsity players would always ask her for a date and even guys from outside the university as well.
She turned them down. For her, I was the end-all-be-all of a guy she would love to love. While I was deeply even love with my former boyfriend, she would always bring me gifts from her travel abroad and even invited me more than once for a friendly date. But, outside of her knowledge, I was in a relationship with her classmate, her block leader. Yes, they were classmates. And good friends at that.
She would often tell to my former boyfriend her feelings for me and how much she looks forward that I’d get to be single and ready for a relationship with her. My former boyfriend would just smile at her. In his mind, he would say “He’s mine. Go dream girl.”
One time, I went on a date with her. Of course my former boyfriend knew about it. While we were conversing, me asking her some corny stuff about studies, I noticed she was busy texting. Then, I found out, she was texting my boyfriend. She told him how happy she was for having to date me. Then I told her we couldn’t be what she expected us to be, that I already loved someone. She was hurt, she told my bf. I was just honest. I couldn’t be in a hetero relationship, I told myself. And I am deeply in-love with my former boyfriend.
Fast track after a year, my former boyfriend and I had a huge fight, and a dirty one at that. It was in one of the classrooms in the University that we exchanged dirty tirades. We thought we closed the door. Then, when it was getting messy, somebody knocked. It was her waiting for me. She heard it all. I walked out.
WAY BACK INTO LOVE
Months passed, I was already convinced I had to let go of my relationship with him. All throughout my agony over a love lost, she comforted me. She never left my side during my crying moments. In one of those moments, I blurted out: “Sa babae na lang kaya. Try ko lang.” Then we laughed.
It was the start of being together for almost every day. She would wait for my classes to finish every time I was teaching in the University. We exchanged text messages and called each other on the phone every night. In one of those conversations, I asked her why she had rejected the guys crooning her. She narrated how bad her last relationship was. I told her if we’d always spend the days together, the guys courting her would think we’re an item.
I thought she just loved my company, her knowing my sexual preference. But, one day, she told me, she was falling in love with me. As in serious love. I told her I don’t deserve her. She’s clean. And neither does she deserves me, she belongs to the guys falling seriously for her.
GOT TO BELIEVE
Then one night, we became intimate. At the end of it, we exchanged I love yous. She wasn’t hard to love and like. She’s beautiful. She’s one of the best students in the University.
Of course, what we had had to be discreet too. The University maintains its stand against teacher to student intimate relationship. Only her bestfriends and mine knew what was going on between the two of us. My BFF was skeptic, and even humorous. He never expected I’d enter into such a relationship. My only justification was: she knows it all. And she doesn’t care a bit.
Without my knowledge, she was secretly contacting my sisters and my mom. Initially, I wanted to make it secret even to my family. I didn’t want them to think that I was just using her to cover up from their suspicion about my sexuality. But, to my surprise, she had more than once visited our house without my knowledge.. She’s too loving that even my family loved her like she’d be a wife to me.
We went on with what we believed a love that knows no condition, and doesn’t judge. I was myself with her, I never have to pretend.. She was ok with it, and never complained.
SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME
It was a challenge for us to make it a secret to the University. But we faced more challenges than we expected. First, it has to be a secret to my former boyfriend, them being good friends and for fear of retaliation against us. Second, her friends were furious and skeptic about what we had. And third, it was myself that became a problem. I have more than once opted to walk out of her. I just felt like she deserves more, and that more is not me.
It was really a struggle for me to remain faithful to her. I was longing for the kind of intimacy I had with my ex. I was longing sex with another of my being. It was hard. And really tempting. That the more I reject the idea of it, the more it gets to my system. In some moments, I gave in and guilt would always find its way on me.
We were together for two years. I always hated the feeling that while she was loving me with all hearts, I was secretly texting my ex, and flirting with other guys. It was hard. My former boyfriend found out about us. He ridiculed me. Saying I was out of mind for having an affair with her.
LOVE WILL LEAD YOU BACK
Until I decided to end it all. She was hurtful. She was waiting for the time we’ll get married. I was hoping for it too. But I couldn’t stand disrespecting her secretly. I just knew I’m not cut for it. It had to be somebody. I told her she’s young, urban, rich, and beautiful she can find someone of the same type. I cried saying it too. I love her. Sincerely, believe me. It’s just that I’m not for it.
Now, I’m single again. But I’m anticipating karma would find its way on me. I have hurt her beyond her knowledge. I still nurture the guilt until this moment.
But I am optimistic. That in spite of what I have experienced in my four years of teaching, of having a boyfriend for two years and deviating to having a girlfriend for two years, I knew I had the most colorful life a teacher could have. I don’t regret any of the things that happened to me.
I am still waiting for the right time to come for me to settle and be happy. I know it will.