Manila Gay Guy
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Dear Migs,

Let me start by saying how confused I am right now. Just call me Boy. I admit that I have learned to accept who I am years ago, so I thought. I’m a straight-acting bisexual, In fact, meron din akong circle of gay and bi friends and as far as I recall, minsan ginagawa akong escort ng mga gay friends ko, kunwari boyfriend nila ako, just for the sake of fun. I’ve had previous relationships with the same sex too, but as years passed by deep inside, I realize that that was not what I wanted or something like that. Then I guess that was the start of a struggle, an inner struggle, which I find most difficult to cope with. Suddenly may fear ako naramdaman, fear of discrimination, fear na mapahiya because sa mundo ginagalawan ko presently hindi declared my other side. Why I didn’t tell them in the first place? I really don’t know…

I thought at first ok lang yun na di nila malaman, sa family, sa work,etc. I told myself na hindi big deal yun sa akin pero later on I’ve realized parang meron spike pag naiiisip ko na what if mag-cross path yung mga gay friends and my straight friends. During one instance, my gay friend called me and told me na one of our common straight friend was inquiring if I was gay kase there were rumors na ganun.

That’s where the spike came… bakit may rumors? Then deep inside naapektuhan ako talaga ako. I thought bakit nung early 20’s ko ok lang na tangapin ko sa sarili ko na ganun ako , in fact, like what ive said before, nagkaroon din ako ng relationship sa kapwa lalake ko, and I have learned to love, to feel happiness and be hurt, just the norms pero bakit ngayon takot ako na malaman ng buong mundo kung sino ako. Migs I wrote this letter not as a viewer of your blog but as a friend seeking advice or someone I can talk to without inhibitions or who would just simply listen to my voice.

Thanks Migs and more power.
Boy

* * *

Hello Boy,

Sometime ago when we were younger, perhaps in your case, it was in your 20s, we felt POWERFUL. You were powerful enough to jump and accept yourself at that age. You felt powerful enough to have even thought that you can control the events of your life and the happenings in this world such that no one will know about your “deep, dark little secret.”

Now that you have matured a little bit more, you are realizing that there really are certain things that you cannot control — and I’m specifically referring to the one you cited, the rumors milling around about your sexuality. You are not LESS powerful now than before — you are just more honest and realistic, you are just more aware.

Knowing that other people are talking behind your back is indeed unsettling. I can totally understand it when you said “takot ako na malaman ng buong mundo kung sino ako.” Many of us have felt this way, including myself. I invite you to reflect more and deepen your awareness on why you feel this way, why you feel scared about people knowing the TRUTH about yourself. It seems to me that them knowing you are gay or bi is not really what scares you — perhaps it’s what you imagine they take as next steps that scare you: the rejection? the jeering? the discrimination? But let me underline what I just said. What you are scared of is what you IMAGINE they do after knowing who you really are. Take a step back and ponder on these.

In the end I hope you realize that you are still that powerful individual who took the jump and accepted yourself sometime in your 20s. I would even say that after going through this, now, you are even MORE powerful — you are more accepting of yourself and others, you are more aware of yourself and of the things around you, and as a result, you are more grounded.

And so if after all your reflection, what should you do if you are still bothered by the “spike”? One word: KEBS. You are powerful, you can “KEBS”. (If you do not know what KEBS means, just ask any friendly gay guy. KEBS is the shortened form of KEBER.”)

You are powerful, Boy.

Migs

Comments (29)

  1. alone said on 24-09-2012

    so sad naman..per ganyan talaga ang buhay natin…

  2. Noey said on 24-08-2009

    Eh panu kung tatay mo militar? Umaasa na bibigyan mo sya ng apo? Bubuo ka ng pamilya? Pano mo hahahrapin ang isang takot na baka maging katpusan at pagtigil ng iyong panaginip.

  3. boy's friend said on 22-12-2008

    It’s great to hear from you boy (on the phone) a couple of days ago. Now I understand what you said about “basahin mo na lang yung letter ko online sa site na…” It’s typically easy to give advices but since we know each other on a personal level, it seems more difficult what and what not to say on my part. I guess you’re not obliged to admit your sexuality to anyone though this doesn’t mean hiding that part of you. If someone trustworthy enough would ask about it then it should be fine to briefly respond without sounding defensive. Breeze through it as if it was just a side topic then move forward to your usual discussion to gradually fade away from that sensitive issue.
    People’s notion won’t matter as long as you’re not giving them a reason to make a big deal out of it. My friend, you don’t have to pressure yourself to post a mark on your forehead labeling who you are. Your sexual preference is just a part of you, it does not dictate who you are nor does it degrade your identity in general. Take away the paranoia that will just eat up your sanity. Keep a positive outlook by thinking that you’re gaining new friends instead of considering them as new possible threats that might uncover things you’re trying to conceal.
    People have lives to ponder about so your concerns regarding their thoughts on you is for sure of least importance to them. Clear your thoughts and just smile to ease your worries. Reflect on this message and read back on the blogger’s response on top.
    You know my digits so your friend’s just here on the other end of the line. Kudos by the way to Migs for the highly objective statement in response to my friend’s queries.

  4. dave said on 21-12-2008

    i can relate to you Boy,nung nasa 20’s to 25 p aang age ko ok lang sa akin na ganito ako pero ngayong nagkakapangalan na ako sa propesyong napili ko ay nandun na FEAR OF REJECTION, although kahit anong gawin kong pagpapa macho image infact nagkaroon ako ng maraming retionship with Girls but one thing is for sure yung GUILT KO KEEPS ON HAUNTING ME, i feel sorry my x gf dahil ginamit ko sila para maitago ang tunay kong pagkatao lalo na sa pamilya ko.

    Pero in the end ako pala ang talo kasi bat ko itatago ang tunay kong pagtao, i realize na being a gay is not a CRIME, it becomes a CRIME when you go beyond the limits of being a gay at alam mo na siguro kung ano ng mga kababuyang pinaggagawa ng ibang kabaro natin gaya ng pagkuha ng bayarang call boys or pagpatol sa menor de edad. Sa ngayon im proud of being a GAY, isang bading na hindi palengkera o balahura sa katawan kasi macho parin naman akong kumilos infact napagkakamalan pa nga akong pulis minsan dahil sa tindig ko. Wag kang matakot sa sasabihin ng iba dahil sarili mong buhay yan at di naman sila ang nagpapalamon sayo. Alam mo tol nung umamin ako sa family ko akal ako isususmpa nila ako pero hindi pala, sinabihan lang ako ng PAMILYA KO NG KUNG SAAN KA MASAYA SUPORTAHNA KA NAMIN, naalala ko pa ang biro ng nanay ko nuon ng mag ala RUSTOM PADILLA ang drama ko sabi ng nanay ko “BRUHA KA BAT NGAYON KA LANG UMAMIN E MATAGAL KO NG NAAMOY NA ISA KANG GOLD FISH” hehehehe, ang tatay ko naman natawa nalang sya, basta ang last word nya “i admire you son for being true to your self, i accept you for what you are kasi anak kita and were always here for you” naiyak nalang ako nuon sa sobrang kasiyahan ko. Just be true to your self boy.

  5. pinoycontests said on 22-11-2008

    “That’s where the spike came… bakit may rumors? Then deep inside naapektuhan ako talaga ako.”

    Use the rumor as a springboard to understand yourself more. Cut out the drama and know theyself!

  6. rEiEr said on 22-11-2008

    so KEBS! I know it’s hard keeping it real but don’t mind what other people would say or do. And to quote Jack McFarland: “I’m here, I’m Queer. They better get used to it!”

  7. Ed Garcellano said on 21-11-2008

    magpakatotoo ka lang sa mundong iyong ginagalawan, magpaliwanag kung kinakailangan. malalaman mo na sa pagtakbo ng panahon ang mga bagay bagay ay kusa ring magkakatugma. Parang puzzle na may proseso at di pwedeng mag short cut. Seguro may mararanasang kang pagkutya at panglalait pero di ba sa mga ganitong pagkakataon nga halos nasusukat kung sino talaga ang totoo mong kaibigan at kung may hangganan ba ang unconditional love. magdasal ka rang sa kapayapaan ng iyong isipan at gawin mo ang mga bagay na magpapasaya sa iyo at iyong gusto. So long na wala kang inaagrabyadong tao e okay ka lang. Wala naman sa seksuwaledad ang pag alam kung ikaw ay mabuting tao. Good luck.

  8. ditto_dapitz said on 21-11-2008

    Tama ka jan Matthew. Sa akin din, months before my friends kept on asking me why still don’t have girlfriend.  And I just kept quiet and told them that I still have a lot of goals in my life and being in one is not my priority at that time. But the truth is, I was in a relathionship… same sex relationship, that is. And i just didn’t want them to know.  Sigh.

  9. matthew said on 20-11-2008

    hehe pareho tau..sabi ng friends ko na nakaka alam na “gay” ako..pag pinagkalat daw nila na bading ako…sasabhin sa knila ng mga tao na sinisiraan lang nila ako..kc..walang walang bahid daw ako ng kabadingan…when i came out to them na ganito ako ( 3 cla )..ayaw pa nila maniwala…

    One thing lng na tlagang pagsisimulan ng “rumor ” about me is baket until now wla pa akong asawa..I am in my late 30s na…un lng ang laging tinatanong saken…

    Pero ang totoo..i dont really care what people may think about me.  Ayoko nman manloko ng babae para ipantakip lang sa tunay na sexuality ko.

  10. jason romero said on 20-11-2008

    hello to all, its my first time to comment iv been reading this since a couple of weeks ago,

    well, the situation is typical, and the advises and comment of course from different mould of personality, are explicit
     for me as long as you dont do bad things to others, happy, true to yourself or well versed for your ownself, its not a question to answer, we will spend the rest of life searching answer?,,, find happiness instead.

     you chose your path, its a decision and underlies with it are circumstances, it may be unknown but for sure you have anticipated for some of it. this will lead now to preparation after the “what if’s” , you do the decision, then action, a strong and smart defense mechanism…

    as filipinos we are greatly influenced on values and virtues special with regards to family… (this really affects decisions)
    but we are more likely educated and open to what the current issues are taking place. hence why not turn to more productive lifestyle and the fears and anxieties leave it behind,,,,, its the people who truly loves you (take in consideration, open minded people) that will stick around and the people we can say,, neccessary for travelling this lifetime…..

    i have stick to my beliefs of staying discreet (even if  i am obvious to some pipz), and everything are just working fine… the closest friends are worthy of confiding for so there is a support system.

    family is family… i mean i want to give them grand children, and  children of my own too.. it is not a prerequisite to tell them  or the people around everything

    cheers

  11. Oliver said on 20-11-2008

    Life is to short to be afraid – especially if it’s rumors we’re afraid of. There will always be rumors until you confront them. In your case, Boy, the rumors about your sexuality will never stop until you actually come out and put an end to it. You can’t expect people to stop talking if you will give them somethng to talk about.

    So just come out of the closet and embrace the world.

    SURE there are a lotta haters out there. But again, why waste time on people like that? As Migs and the fabcasters menitoned in one of their fabcasts, “Find your niche” There will always be people who will love and accept you for who you are. And that’s all you need.

    For the meantime, If you’ve realy acepted yourself. Then coming out will be easy.

    Best of luck

  12. mike said on 20-11-2008

    Baliktad tayo. Im 29 and now, I have come to terms with my sexuality. Oo, tago pa rin but natutunan ko nang wag pansinin ang mga rumors kung meron man, pero wala talaga. And i dont mind kung sakaling magkaroon. Astig!  

  13. ric said on 20-11-2008

    What is the other side of midnight? E di umaga.  Saan darating ang umaga? E di sa tanghalian. As we grow older,  we tend to ask more questions and sometimes we don’t like the answers ourselves. There are situations and there are SITUATIONS. We really don’t know the circumstances why you can’t come out. Pero kung hindi mo ikamamatay or ikapupulubi or ikawawalan ng trabaho, then you have to be who you are. Or you can be discreet. As they say,  let them be confused. Sometimes the problems lie with our fears, the “what ifs” of our life. The opposite of fear of course is courage -courage to be who we are (which entails acceptance) and courage to our search of  happiness in this world.

  14. matt said on 20-11-2008

    ok yung comments!

  15. lester said on 20-11-2008

    Just let it go girl!!! all of us went through the same experience once in our gay lives.  So be proud that you are now a certified member of an elite group (mga tagong bakla) what else???  Good luck to you.

  16. juno said on 20-11-2008

    ang skwater ng reply.

    being gay is not just about getting/giving blowjobs. f*cktard

  17. james b. said on 20-11-2008

    ganyan din feel ko. kahit gano ka sucess buhay natin eh kulang at sometimes gusto ko na ngang mamatay  kasi parang wala ang buhay natin ay wala hirap pala pero nung 20s ako okay naman ako happy and contented ngayong 30s na feel ko pain at nahihiya ako sa tao  kaya nga favorite kong watch ang  “The Hours” i like Virginia Woolf (Nicole line ) : ”  But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death”, …………………………….

    nao kayo ito christmas depression?

  18. niv said on 20-11-2008

    I can totally relate. that’s why sometimes, i even find it hard to make new friends because I’m worried of the rumors that might spread.
    I just tell them i like being alone. It doesn’t bother me as much if people think that I’m just weird and a loner.
    I just tell myself, my family and the few few friends that I have now are more than enough to fill my social needs.

    hehe this is my first time to comment because i can really just relate to this.

  19. Isaribi said on 20-11-2008

    The error of most humans, Pleasing others before their selves.

  20. ditto_dapitz said on 20-11-2008

    Well, I very much agree with Matt said. “Sometimes you just fall in love with somebody, and you’re really not thinking about what gender or whatever they happen to be.” Love knows no gender just like it knows no boundaries. 

    We are actually at the same situation. I, too, am afraid that people might know the “other side of me” and they might be disappointed.  But at the end of the day, I keep on asking myself why should I care?  And then I realize that I care because there are a lot of things at stake.  Marami talaga and I can not enumerate them all.  Kaya mahirap. 

    Im already nearing the end of 20’s and at this point I really am wanting for a relationship.  But as Matt said, ” I think that if I happen to fall in love with a man, everyone’s going to make a big deal out of it. But if I happen to fall in love with a woman, nobody cares.”  And now I am even more confused.  🙁

  21. Lyndon said on 20-11-2008

    Nice answers guys! bkit ka mahihiya kung dun ka nmn liligaya! haha

  22. reader13 said on 20-11-2008

    Hey try not to ask more questions if there are questions left hanging. It will just lead you to more uncertainties in life, it’ll make you more confuse. Maybe you should stop asking questions and start looking for answer. 
    good morning ^_^

  23. the_bashhh said on 20-11-2008

    Kaloka! Ang advice ay mag-watch ni Pinoy Fear Factor!

    Alam mo that will kill you.. yung nakikinig ka or you’re brooding on rumors about you! Hayaan mo na.. let them be puzzled and you focus on other more important things. Di ka naman nila pinapakain noh! So, wala silang K manghusga kung ano ka.

    http://bashhh.blogspot.com

  24. makoy said on 20-11-2008

    ang dami mong fear.. fear about what people may say, discrimination, living alone etc..
    kapag fearful ka, madaming what if sa dulo yan, lots of unanswered questions..
    for me KEBS.. carpe diem! live today! change if your not happy tomorrow!

  25. we have a choice said on 19-11-2008

    its not that easy guys.

    mahirap hindi isipin yung mga iniisip ng tao.
    sometimes i think, this not a case where we dont have any option.
    we chose this. we chose who we want to be.
    more of fearing the rejection is that i fear of growing old alone.
    imagine, if i continue choosing this life, i maybe be growing up old alone. walang anak. walang asawa. walang pamilya.
    im not saying that everyone should believe me.

    its not that im continuing to believe in my own lies. but this is what the reality says.
    its not the rejection and the discrimination.
    its the life you’ll live after choosing this path.

    i admit i have tendencies, but glad i have not been into any relationships or any act.
    i maybe confused.
    but im still believing i should make a choice.
    in the end, you’ll be thinking if all the discrimination, rejection, the life after you’ve made that decision is worth everything.

  26. makoy said on 19-11-2008

    boy,
    did u watch pinoy fear factor episode tonight?
    pinakain sila ng fresh utak at mata ng sheep… at ginawa nila.
    they didnt hesitate for the sake of winnning the 2 million pesos.
    my point is mas yuckie yung ginawa nila kesa sa pagiging bakla mo..
    at mas matindi ang prize mo.. personal happiness and peace of mind..
    so KEBS talaga..
    face ur fear..
    and watch pinoy fear factor para mainspire ka..
    hehe.. may promotion

  27. peppoi said on 19-11-2008

    Never listen to your thoughts; ONLY TO YOUR HEART

    …and your craving for men; and more men.

    Sumuso at magpasuso nang makarame. Go go go!

    =)

  28. Matthew Simon said on 19-11-2008

    I’m dealing with that kind of feelings before Boy, U are afraid na bka madis-appoint ang mga tao sa paligid mo na hndi alam ang other side ng pagkatao mo kpag nalaman nila ang totoo bout ur sexuality. Lalo na kapag my mga expectations sayo. Well, let me tell you this. Mas mahalaga ba ang sinasabi ng iba kumpara sa kaligayahan mo?. Recently, habang naglalaro kami ng video game sa bahay, my straight guy friend asked me “Matt, what are you?” at d ko namalayan na ang naisagot ko pla ” Ewan ko na nga eh, hindi ko na alam” and he just smile at until now were bestfriend. Alam mo kung ayaw mo tlga na malaman ng ibang tao ang totoo (lalo na kpag napunta ka sa new place) e di itago mo n lng at leave them confused… well ewan ko kung nakatulong ako sayo but just like what MIGS said you are “powerful” boy.

    “I think people sometimes get the wrong impression when they’re like, ‘Oh, well, so-and-so was straight and then he was gay, and now he’s straight again,’ you know? But it’s like, how many times do I have to kiss a man before I’m gay? Everybody wants to label people. Sometimes you just fall in love with somebody, and you’re really not thinking about what gender or whatever they happen to be. I think that if I happen to fall in love with a man, everyone’s going to make a big deal out of it. But if I happen to fall in love with a woman, nobody cares.”

    -matt, 17

  29. chinito said on 19-11-2008

    ok lang yan kuya, don’t mind them. live life to the fullest! 🙂

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