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Hi Migs!

I just want to share my problem. I think my 7-year-old son is gay… I started noticing his behavior when he was about 5 yrs. old… I don’t know how to deal with it. Is there a group or doctor that I can approach? Thanks!

Verna

* * *

maximocuHi Verna, homosexuality is not a disease nor is it a psychological disorder, thus your son doesn’t need a doctor. What he needs, just like any child, is your unconditional love and understanding. You wrote your letter of concern and that alone shows how much you love your son. I am not here to say that he is really gay, but if he actually turns out to be one, there is one thing I can assure you: if you love and understand him unconditionally, if you respect and give him your support whatever he wants to be, he will honor you and will make you proud.

Also, I have a friend named Stella who I thought is in your same situation. I asked her to give you some advise as well. Here is what she sent me to pass on to you:

Dear Verna,

My son is 7 as well and grew up around women. To him, toy guns were like hair blowers that he’d seen parloristas use when they’d do mommy’s or lola’s hair. Kris Aquino was someone he looked up to, and someone he wanted to be (we once caught him wrapping the towel around him like a tube dress, and it shocked us).

He’s 7, and I suspect he’s turning gay. But then again, I could be wrong. While many of my gay friends suspect he is such, as they themselves had passed through that road, I’d like to think his being a “softie” has something to do with the fact that he was brought up by a strong, single mom, and grew up in a household of loud, domineering females. Let me tell you that I grew up in an orthodox background. My father is a missionary, and to him homosexuality is a sin. I’d like to think having gone to UP, I am so much more enlightened and all-embracing, which is why I never insisted on my son that he live up to society’s expectations of masculinity. When he was five and wanted me to buy him kitchen toys, I bought a set–only not in pink so the rest of the household wouldn’t get shocked (and I tell you, it was difficult to look for a kitchen set that wasn’t pink!).

I’ve never considered seeing a doctor because I didn’t want my son to be treated like a specimen. But I turned to my gay friends, people whom I thought would best understand my son growing up, and I learned to let my son be, to allow him to explore, to reach his full potential, even go beyond it. Now that he is 8 and learning about the rights of a child, he came home one day and demanded of me to respect his “right to express himself.” That was a lesson in itself. I have no right to insist on what he wants to be. It is his life after all.

People may say I’m in denial, but I don’t know myself if my son will turn out gay or not. He tells me he feels different when he sees girls in skimpy outfits (I had to launch an impromptu talk about erection), but he has an impeccable fashion sense that’s a lot of help to his fashion-clueless mother. He enjoys being pampered in a spa or a salon. He chooses his own shampoo (Sunsilk) and his own soap (Olay) and body wash (Dial lavender). He has style that I haven’t seen the boys/men in my life exhibit.

So what I am saying is, live and let live. Don’t castigate. Be ever loving. Avoid dialogues like “Boys do this and girls do that.” (My UP-educated self shudders at such conversations.) Instead, present society’s idea of what boys and girls should act, but remind him that choosing to be something other than what we usually see isn’t really wrong. It’s just different. I know that I am trying to bring him up as someone who is loving, kind, and respectful of men and women alike. I think that is the best thing that should matter.

There’s been enough repression in mankind’s history. It’s about time we let live.

Stella

* * *

How about you dear readers? You surely had some notable experience growing up as gay boys with your moms. What would you advise our dear mothers here, Verna and Stella?

I’m sure there are other parents out there who at this moment are quite clueless on what to do with their observations similar to Verna and Stella, sons or daughters who are growing up and showing signs of being gay. What would you tell them?

Comments (71)

  1. mrcens said on 16-07-2010

    so happy to find this! di ko kasi to nabasa…

    the comments are equally (if not more) interesting on the post itself.

  2. psyche said on 10-12-2009

    Unsolicited advice lng ha,
    If you can still reverse his tendencies, do so.
    We may be living in a modern world, but trust me, life will be less cruel to your son if he is straight.
    How will you do it? Treat him with more toughness and avoid calling/teasing him gay. The last thing you should do is to instill in your child’s mind that he is a woman.

  3. weng said on 21-05-2009

    hello everyone,

    I dont know how to start this. But at 30 im still confused. i grew up in a family literally without a father. he is gone when im still young. we are five siblings, all are boys. my mother left for work abroad for 10 long years and i was left taking care of my brothers. literally ina at tatay. i cook, do the laundry, attend school meetings, mamalengke, wala akong magawa. but i did finished college. i work and still single. i courted girls but relationship did not last long. i quit most of the time. i feel like i cant breath, this is not me. i left and went to dubai, to find freedom, to live the life that i want, i accept myself, i dont deny it within, but i dont want to show it, i kept it within me, im acting straight.i hated to be laugh at and judge.

    My question is, If dont show it and dont talk about it and hide, im not accepting who i am.

    please help me.

  4. Christian said on 05-05-2009

    verna, your son is just in pre-homosexual stage… if properly guided he could regain his masculinity…

    think about these questions… what happened when he was being conceived? what happened when he was growing up? what was his relationship with you, your husband, his siblings?

    alam mo, most often than not in our Filipino “gay” society, children with effeminate tendencies will automatically be labeled as “bakla”.

    be aware when people tease your son as such, and affirm your son’s masculinity… tell him that no matter what other people say, you know for a fact that he is a man…

    there are a lot of scientific studies that will prove that we are not born gay…

    better for you to browse the website of National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (www.narth.com) and see how people have diminished their homosexual attractions and developed heterosexual attractions by understanding the roots of their homosexuality.

    another website to visit is http://www.peoplecanchange.com

    in as much as we respect people who does not want to change, i urge anyone out there who seek change that it is possible to change!

    if you need support from us you could contact us at http://www.presentsanctuary.com

    God loves you!

  5. Jonathan said on 04-05-2009

    Hi, I am sure many parents have asked this same question, so no you are not alone thinking what you are thinking! I am from the US and I do know of many groups there and I am sure that there are some group in Manila as well. Your statement “I think my son is gay” and how you see it as a problem, please don’t! Children all around the world go through many stages in their lives and never seem to stay on the same path that parents think they are heading, but on the other hand it could. But it is not a problem, what makes it a problem is how you as a parent handles it, you are the parent so guide your child and help them understand their life for what it is and could become. If you think you child may be gay treat him as you would even if you did not feel this way. No matter what you say or do will change the way your child will be or is! Love and attention will just create a better bond between him and yourself helping not only him as he ages but yourself. I am a gay man, who grew up in a very religious home taught the same value as each of my siblings and each one of us turned out different. I never chose to be gay as a matter of fact I tried myself to change my life for something I was taught was a better life. Allow your son to know that he is loved and you support him and that you will always be there to love and protect him no matter what. Just remember also, he is still growing and learning who he is! if you would like to ever talk you are welcome to email me at anytime! jonmax76@ymail.com

  6. spascual said on 21-04-2009

    ang hirap tanggapin na meron talagang maging bakla lalo na kung pinanganak kang bakla but you I try to look beyong on this ideas ‘ homo’ basta alam ko ang pagiging bakla ay may kanya kanyang kwento hindi puedeng bakla na sya nung pinaganak sya..do you think God is bullshit that He allows his creation to be a sinner ‘ hahaha’ kagaya sa kin bakla..now my question would be masaya kb sa pagiging bakla mo? maaring oo dahil nakaka chups ka ng guys na gusto mo pero timbangin mo hindi LUST lag yun..kc ako tinimbang ko lalaki talaga ako pero bakla ako..mahirap.kaya ako kung may anak ka na sa tingin mo bading garci…sawayin mo na..advise mo na ang pagiging bakla ang kasalanan…wag mo e tolerate at Pag Pray mo Im sure ikaw magulang ayaw maging bakla ang anak m how much pa si God Ryt? alam mo naman gaano ka makasalanan ang mga bkla at sa totoo lang judge na nga tau ni Lord na maimpyerno kaya Pray for him

    Sam

  7. CHUKCHAK! said on 12-04-2009

    KAYA LUMAKING MAY PUS0NG TRUVALU ANG MGA ANAK NYU, DAHIL NA RIN YAN SA MGA SURR0UNDINGS NYA.. XEMPRE MGA SISTERETS ANG MGA KALARU NYA KAYA DAPAT MAKI J0IN DIN SYA N0H KYA NGA ANG RESULTA NAKAKALIMTAN NA NYA NA ISA PA LA XANG B0YLET..PAINUMIN M0 ANG ANAK M0 NG AN0 NGA TAWAG DIT0.. YUNG GAM0T PARA MAGING TUNAY NA LALAKI ANG ISANG TA0.. MER0N UN..

  8. justin said on 07-04-2009

    It’s not bad being a gay.. We too are people. Wla kming rabies para ipacheck-up sa doctor. Hndi po ito autism or wat. Intindihin m n lng anak m.

  9. Vic said on 30-03-2009

    If your son is comfortable with his own sexuality, then this should be respected. But be prepared, in case, he is really gay, at his age there certainly be a lot of bullies around (schoolmates and playmates).

    At this point there is no need for you to bring him to a doctor, fortunately homesexuality is not within the diagnostic and statiscal manual for mental disorder – IV. A potential problem may occur in the future particularly during his puberty/early adolescent stage if he will have some gender identity issues (if his family is not supportive of his gender choice, worse, condemning him, (I hope not)), this may affect his mood/affect,ability to relate to others, and ability to keep himself and others safe.

    Regards.

  10. John Paulo said on 17-03-2009

    I read the internet your message from other. I understand the psychology-behave for the gay son/daughter. I thought son like copy the role of mother but lost the father. You don’t be angry and sensitive. You just be support your son. The gay is intelligence and skills. The gay is one really survivor the person.

  11. howee said on 13-03-2009

    hi there, i am just wondering if you could help me where to find climax magazine or any gay magazine from the philippines? if you could please help me to find any website to purchase one of that magazine. i live here states and tired of american men. hehehe.. just kidding. so please help me to get a copy. thank you

  12. vaklavulary said on 09-03-2009

    hi verna,

    just my two cents:

    – first and foremost, i don’t think you have a problem. if your son is soft and/or effeminate, that does not necessarily mean he is gay. adults sometimes look at children’s behavior through world-weary lens not realizing that these kids are just simply enjoying their innonence. so kung dumampot ang anak mo ng isang hairbrush, para sa kanya maaring hairbrush o laruan lang yun. yun lang. huwag natin bigyan ng kulay.

    – but if it does turn out that your son is gay, then this is more of a “blessing in the skies” (ika nga) than a problem. your son is only 7yo, he won’t be thinking and talking about being gay in another 6-12 years (or more). that gives a lot of lead time to prepare yourself to be a fabulous mother to an equally fabulous gay son

    – i agree with stella, please avoid the “this is only for boys, this is only for girls” routine because whether he grows up to be gay or not, i think it is a very restricting view of who we can be.

    – lastly, you ask about doctors. i’d like to assume that you are seeking professionals not because you want to cure your son’s homosexuality but because you want help in dealing with this situation. unfortunately, we don’t have a pflag chapter in the philippines, but you might want to check out their site for some very useful resources, particularly this one:
    http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=541
    aside from doctors, you might also want to think about approaching open-minded counselors/spiritual advisers. i don’t have the details but my gay friend came out of the closet with the help of a priest/spiritual adviser from the ateneo. the same adviser was also with him when he came out to his mother. you might want to look into a similar option.

    v

  13. boguy said on 09-03-2009

    while it is understandable for people to try and find the “causes” of their homosexuality, the absent/distant father-domineering mother has been debunked many years ago because it doesn’t stand-up to the pyschological and statistical evidences to the contrary. this old belief (1950’s) is being used by the fundamentalists nowadays to advace their belief that homosexuality is abnormal and therefore must be cast out. the more modern and logical arguments are the following.

    “The psychiatric/psychological communities reject this theory outright. In fact, they do not merely reject it. They state outright that it is false. When considering a particular theory (about any subject), it would be wise to listen to the people who invented that very theory, especially if they tell you they were wrong.

    This theory cannot be true because it fails to explain why gay men have no attraction for women. Fundamentalists who accept this debunked theory say that having an absent father creates an emotional void in a boy, causing him to seek sexual intimacy from other males. This reasoning does not logically stand because it does not explain the absence of a sexual attraction toward females.

    If a gay man did have a distant father, the distance was a result of the son’s sexuality, not the other way around. In other words, a distant father didn’t make his son gay. Rather, a gay son made his father distant. It is common for parents to realize, often unconsciously, that their very young child is a gay person. The father distances himself (again, often unconsciously) and the mother, due to the fact that she must fill the resulting void, is seen as domineering.

    Since fundamentalists claim that only 2% of the male population is gay, it logically follows that they must also therefore believe that only 2% of the male population had distanced or absent fathers. The reality is that having issues with one’s parents are very common amongst almost all of us. Millions of heterosexuals had distant or absent fathers.
    For any of a number of reasons, a father may not be active in the life of his child. The father could be a “deadbeat dad” who is simply absent. He could be an alcoholic. He could have a drug problem. He could have died early in the child’s life, and so forth. Countless heterosexual men had distant fathers and they did not become gay.

    If this theory were true, the sons of single mothers would be more likely to be gay. No increase in the percentage of gay men born to single (“fatherless”) mothers has ever been found. If having an absent father made a boy more likely to be gay, we would have found a higher percentage of gay men born to single mothers. No such correlation has ever been found.”

  14. summerson said on 08-03-2009

    Shiela’s right! I’ve been through the same thing. Only that, I’m the one who turned into a gay man. My dad wasn’t always around being a sea man and all. My mom and three sisters were the ones who’s around me and I think that made me who I am today.

    Having a “man” in the house is really important for kids, most especially boys, to grow up and look up to. When I say a man, I mean a father figure, kuya, or somebody that will make him want to be lika him when he grows up.

    Be as close to your son as possible. If he turn to be gay when he grows up, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that you’ll still be a part of his life and you support him whatever it takes.

    We too are God’s children just living our lives as what he wanted.

    • Kontravido said on 08-03-2009

      who is Sheila? and where is her comment?

    • durrty said on 08-03-2009

      summerson, that doesn’t apply to everyone… My dad was always there as a kid, and I have two older brothers… They’ve always been around until I was about 13. But after that they went abroad to work. I’ve always felt different since I was 4 or 5…

      (But yeah, who’s Sheila?)

      • Ricardo said on 09-03-2009

        Durrty, were you close to your dad?

        An Active father-figure should be there during 0-5 yrs, NOT JUST THE MERE PRESENCE. According to what ive read , “A growing boy must have this father-figure who would cultivate and back him up at the typical rough and tumble of his peers/surroundings. The absence of a happy, warm, and intimate closeness of the father led to the boy’s pulling away in disappointment, or “defensive detachment”. This psychological defense of a boy (psychological defense, like the boy concentrates more on individualistic endeavors like academics, music, arts, and less on physical competitiveness) against a disappointing father most likely would leave the boy even less able to relate to his male peers. And worst, complimented with a domineering Mother or sister or a female relative, the boy would go along well better with girls than boys..”

        Like summerson, I can relate to this theory.

        Pasensya na durrty, i’m just curious and trying to dig on this. Hindi ba applicable itong Missing-father theory sa iyo? Thanks.

    • lanz said on 23-03-2009

      baka naman ibig mong sabihin Stella?

  15. jam said on 06-03-2009

    this is really an interesting topic,,, anyway if you think you dont mind having a gay son then just let him explore whatever he likes to do… but if you want him to become a straight guy you should really let him know how a straight guy act, speak and that they only look at girls.. but if the child manifest gay activities and you just ignored it, it will really be his norms and when adolecent comes, he will decide to do the things that he used to do. bacause the people around the child are the ones who build the personality of that child. i dont believe in gays that says they are like that since birth.. thats imposible for me… wraping this up,, if you want a straight son then do straight stuffs with him. teach him to appreciate girls, and encourage him to have crushes on girls. soon enough he will only see the same sex as a person whom he can share and compare thoughts about crushes.

  16. durrty said on 06-03-2009

    Love him for whoever he become…Just embrace him being different, and he will embrace himself back being different…Accept him, and he will accept himself back. The key is to make him feel that he has a life worth living. I, myself go through a lot of pain, denial, frustration, and pressure every single day. Do not let this child go through what most gay men go through in their lives. I guarantee you, he will be successful and fabulous! Don’t let anyone tell him that he can’t be this… and he can’t be that because he’s gay. Make him feel special. Embrace him and love him unconditionally no matter what. Yun lang…Chos!

  17. Nelson said on 06-03-2009

    It is not easy to be parents nowadays. There are so many things to worry about what will harm or influence your kids. Part of what my mom and lola said is to prepare your kids for whatever comes along their way in now and in the future. I don’t think my mom worried if I was going to be gay or not when I was a kid although the signs were on the wall that I am gay. I graduated from a premier catholic university, got a good job, moved to San Francisco with the whole family. I helped all my 3 brothers in a way to organize their lives. And I still support them in a way. One day, I introduced my significant. Ganoon lang. They all knew all along I was gay kahit maliit pa lang kami sabi ni kuya but it was not an issue. It is what it is. Now we casually talk about my life. I hope as mother you focus on preparing your son for the future rather than worrying more what your son will be. I am not sure you can control what your son is and will be. Loving him is just one way to prepare him. If you don’t it will be really tougher for him. And finally, it is not as bad as you worry having a gay son.

  18. Cris said on 06-03-2009

    Hello Verna! I feel like I’m talking to my mom. I’d like to tell you what I’ve always wanted to tell my own mother…

    Love me, Mom. I need you.

  19. roguefire said on 05-03-2009

    ang daming comments! wagi.. puro english sakit sa ulo! (inday tisyu dumudugo ilong ko!) ^^v

    hindi natin masisisi si inang verna sa pagalala nya sa kanyang anak ng ganyan na naisip nyang sumaklolo pa sa doktor! ,(yes tagalog talaga, di ko kaya pag english baka mamatay ako! inday yung tisyu?! punyetaaa) marahil ay naiisip lamang nya ang mga hindi magagandang bagay na madaanan ng kanyang anak, lalo na sa murang edad nito. tulad ng pangugutya at diskriminasyon ng mga kaibagan kaklase at ng mga taong nasa paligid nya, at natatakot lang si inang verna na masaktan ang kanyang anak.

    alam naman siguro natin na hindi madaling maging bakla, sa totoo nga parang mas madali pang maging babae lang o lalaki lang, kasi mas simple, hindi komplikado, walang tanung-tanong, basta yun lng.
    pero pag bakla ka, madaming nasasabi, madaming napupuna, mahirap lumugar. kaya ang masasabi ko lng…

    … INANG VERNA,
    kung sakali man na bakla ang anak mo, ipaliwanag mo sa kanya ang mga bagay na pwede nyang maranasan na hindi nararanasan ng karamihan( im not saying being gay is not normal. just complicated… alam nyo yan sistahz). dapat turuan mo syang maging handa at malakas sa puso sa isip at sa gawa . dahil hindi madaling maging gay, hindi sya makakatkas sa mga mata ng mapanghusga, si bibig ng mapangutya, and sometimes sa kamay ng mga homophobic. napaka bata pa ng baby mo at napaka dami nya pang pagdadaanan na maaring maging peklat ng buhay nya.(pero hindi naman lahat bad experience ^^v) at syempre dapat maging malakas at reydi ka din mother, dahil sabi nga nila (kung nasasaktan ang anak mas nasasaktan ang ina). ibigay mo sa kanya ang iyong walng hanggang pag-mamahal at pag-unawa, dahil tulad ng babae at lalaki ito ang kailangan namin ng mas higit. lalo na sa isang ina.
    at kung kumpirmado na vading ang baby mo.. sana tanggapin mo kung ano sya… dahil mas masakit kung sariling pamilya at kadugo nya hindi sya kayang tanggapin kung ano o sino sya…

    rejection and discrimination is what we fear most. acceptance is all we need! peace ^^v

    rogue
    japan

  20. mellicious said on 05-03-2009

    trust and love…

  21. Eric said on 05-03-2009

    Well, haba na ng thread. all i can say is that it’s not the parents responsibility or fault (if we put it in another perspective) if the chld turns out to be gay or not.
    As parents, or even as adults, it is our responsibility to make sure that even if our son turns out to be gay, that they become very responsible part of our society. That they finish their studies.

    Being gay does not make children less of a person. it’s just shocking to see nowadays that at a very early age, children can be seen early signs of being gay.

    I agree with Migs so much, if you are a parent, all you can do is support your children with whatever decisions they make. Just be adult enough to still guide them to the right way.

    World peace (as Migs always say)

  22. rodier said on 05-03-2009

    sagwan ka na lang mother!

  23. iloveAlec said on 05-03-2009

    Hi Verna, i dont think you should worry about your son being gay. I think you should concentrate on loving him more. Dont put label to you son. let him be whatever just love him and support..It will not be the end of the world. Don’t make it as a major problem. Life is short..Be Happy whatever is the situation.

  24. Ricardo Baruto said on 05-03-2009

    Verna, you’re asking gay guys on how to deal with your gay son, obviously youd be getting the answers above.

    There is a neverending debate as to what caused homosexuality. Nature o Otherwise?

    I may sound as an antagonist, but i find it the other way around.
    I grew up not liking homosexuality. i know there’s something unusual going on in me, and did some research on my own, until i found (which i think is) the probable cause.

    Are you a single mother? or is your husband an ofw? Was there an Absent dad during the ‘crucial’ years of your son (0 to 2, or was it 0 to 5?). Is the father a police or a military or on a sales field, whos frequently gone on duty? Or just a plain, lousy passive dad, who never cares?

    Unlike most of the gay guys, which widely accepts BIOLOGICAL reasons for the cause, I find the missing father figure theory as the PROBABLE culprit in all of these. Worst, a missing father-figure, plus a domineering mother. So how do we deal with your son given this theory? From my research, It’s a long process, and discussion, and kinda scientific, not available dito sa pinas, and this is not my blog, at baka awayin pa ko rito hehe. By the way, hindi ako psychologist. This is just my personal bara-bara observation and readings. From the day i learned/read of this theory, i tried to observe the str8 guys/friends and their dads around me. I’m seeing dad-son relationships that ive never experienced.

    I am still a pamintang durog. I emphatize with you Verna. I love my parents dearly, tho my father passed away way way back with not a single a single tear from me. We were never close. Masakit isipin that with this theory, I am indirectly blaming my innocent parents for a consquence, na wala silang kaalam-alam. My father just wanted to provide, thats why he was out most of the time.

    Migs. I so love your blog. OK lang ba, can you put up a separate concensus dito sa blog mo, Missing Father-figure Theory as the probable cause of homosexuality?

    World peace mga ate. Together, open discussion lang and possibly learn. Salamat.

  25. sam said on 05-03-2009

    believes that everyone is innately bisexual, until they go totally homo.

  26. boguy said on 05-03-2009

    Verna, if your son is indeed gay, consider yourself lucky. Give him love and support and you will have someone who will be there for you forever. Be there for him now and in his formative years and you will have a friend, a provider, a caregiver in your older years and a confidant who will cry and laugh with you for the rest of your life. Niel, Bert Baltazar and Ian above can show you how big a gay man’s heart can be that despite all the early negative experiences they can still show their families love and generosity. So i say, focus on loving, supporting and norturing you child and ignore the conventional dictates of society and you will recieve love and respect from this child – something that you’ll never experience from anyone else in your life. I guarantee you that.

  27. Isaribi said on 05-03-2009

    Unconditional love! Yan lang ang sagot jan! Else your not worth calling a mother.

    • lanz said on 11-03-2009

      FALANGGANAH!!

      my mother belongs to that category.

      • lanz said on 23-03-2009

        i mean, she belongs to the category of “Else you(‘)r(e) not worth calling a mother.”

        Sabihan ba naman ako na huwag na akong maging gandito. Damn her!

  28. shannen said on 05-03-2009

    Here we go again with the “Nature VS Nurture” debacle. I think we are born with certain predispositions over a lot of things and that includes sexuality. Nurture is one that could guide you to that predisposition and could be the dealmaker or breaker, depending on how you look at it.

    In my case, I have 2 sisters and a mother who was a very dominant force in the household. My dad was working abroad during my formative years and I grew up having Barbie and paperdolls as toys. I had feminine features as a kid and was often mistaken to be a “she” (when I was 12 two slightly older boys made a pass at me telling me I was pretty until I told them my name— which was unequivocally MASCULINE, much to their shock). I had my first guy crush at grade 3 (damn that kid was hot!) though I had my fair share of ladyloves and at 17 finally won the personal struggle of sexual identity, claiming my rightful place on the proverbial rainbow.

    Looking back I realized that I have always had homosexual tendencies ultimately what really “turned me PINK” was my upbringing- being closer to my mom, having my sisters as confidants and having that affinity with the female spirit. While that experience made me sensitive, empathetic and respectful of women, their mystery was lost on me. Women are like jigsaw puzzles I had figured out and therefore presented no further challenge to me. Men on the other hand are these new toys to tinker with- with unfamiliar mechanisms that compels me to figure out which buttons to push to get those desired results. Batteries not included and I dont see a manual anywhere.

  29. gustavo27 said on 05-03-2009

    I still remember when my dad told me that I would be his greatest disappointment if I would turn out to be gay. I dont know if he still feels the same now that I am an accomplished person.

    • lanz said on 11-03-2009

      I bet siya naman ang having regrets dahil hindi ka niya tinanggap noon pa man, tapos accomplished ka na.

  30. e said on 05-03-2009

    well said too!

  31. Randall said on 05-03-2009

    I hope and i wish that i have Stella as my mom.

  32. Bert Baltazar said on 04-03-2009

    I love the situation, for it is basically so us!!!

    First.. Congratulations Verna for you saw the situation. Imagine the courage for you to admit you have a problem.. and not your son! Yes, you do have a problem for it is you who have to accept your son unconditionally. Your son being so young and innocent appears to have no problem right now. Your problem would be his problem … if you act disapprovingly, if you force the issue on him. Read on the comments – some are hilarious, some are dramatic BUT ALL TRUE!

    Looking back (oh dear, I feel so ancient at being 42!), parents I think has three possible reactions –

    1) ACCEPTANCE, unconditional love, meaning they act the same and all, nothing is wrong, fully aware that their child is gay or lesbian

    2) DENIAL – it is not true, just a phase, whatever, and so they continue to love their child as always, with the occasional slip or manifestation that being gay is not exactly right, and that they feel relieve or happy that their child is not gay!!

    3) CORRECTION – Oh yes, they acknowledge that their child is gay and that they think they know the best for their own child, that they are doing everything for him – be that they beat him to death, immerse him in water, hang him by rope upside down – believe me, Filipino parents can be very creative in exorcising the devil within.

    My mother was in denial until I was 39 years old, that is how good she is in denial. My father initially tried to correct me, and I was literally beat down with his belt, hand, slippers – my mom would slip me out to my father´s relative to spend the night and succeeding days to heal. Eventually, or rather that I am now in my 40s, providing the financial support they need – acceptance is what they do. Afterall, I am the one who has no family of my own, so I am the one with the extra income.

    Funny, my brother have come into quiet acceptance of me but he is so thrifty that even when I offered his whole family an all expense paid trip to Hong Kong, he refuse to accept because it is just an unwarranted expense… well, I answered back – take it and be grateful I am spending it on you and your family and not on another guy, what say you? They all left for Hong Kong.

    Darling dearest, your son is still innocent, he sees no problem with what he wants or how he act – he would only see it as a problem if you do. You are a parent, in the end, you would have no choice but to accept it, so accept and nurture him as early as now!

  33. hikki said on 04-03-2009

    Don’t worry its better to explore his identity / sexual preference diba… then try to talk to him because u’r da mother and u must understand his problem and give him advices kung ano makakabuti sa kanya… “SUPPORT HIM ALL THE WAY”. just to pray and thank GOD that u have a loving son right?

  34. Joe said on 04-03-2009

    Dear Verna,

    stop treating your kid like he has a disease. It seems like you are scared your son is turning into a seahorse. Solution is embrace reality and go find something else important to worry like his college fund or something.

  35. Courage Philippines said on 04-03-2009

    I will not pretend that I know everything about homosexuality, but my blog contains TONS of information on this topic. Just browse through the sidebar and find the appropriate resources that will be of help. Just be patient though. Thanks.

  36. Niel said on 04-03-2009

    Huh! Ako di ko masyado mahal ang mga magulang ko lalo na ang nanay ko although di ko sinasabi sa kanya yon pero un ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Anim kaming magkakapatid puro kami lalaki, pang-apat ako. Bata pa lang alam na ng parents ko na iba ako sa mga brothers ko kaya lagi ako nakakarinig ng di magandang salita galing sa kanila, ganun din sa mga kapatid ko. Sa amin ako lang ang may mga honors sa school pero di na aapreciate ng family ko un, instead sobrang pang-aapi ang naranasan ko di ko ma imagine na kaya nilang gawin sa akin un. Ilang beses akong nag suicide pero di naman ako namamatay so cguro may role ako sa mundo kahit ayaw sa akin ng family ko, inisip ko sana pina ampon na lang nila ako noong bata ako kaysa nakakaranas ako ng di mabuti, iniisip ko noon kung anak ba talaga nila ako baka hindi dahil kung anak ako sana mahal nila ako kahit ano pa ako. Lumaki akong mahiyain at wala masyadong friend (actually until now ganun pa rin wala akong masyadong friend)
    Lumaki akong sobrang layo ng loob ko sa kanilang lahat kinasusuklaman ko sila!!!!!!! Pero buti na lang nag mmatured ang tao, nag change ang aking pananaw, ngayon kung hindi dahil sa akin magugutom ang marami sa kanila at wala silang matitirahan na bahay. Sa bandang huli ako pala ang makakatulong sa kanilang lahat lalo na pagdating sa financial. Sobrang swerte nila na naging anak at kapatid nila ako.
    Dapat kahit ano ka pa, dapat lang na mahalin ka ng magulang mo ng unconditional kasi anak ka nila…para in return mahal din ng mga anak ang parents nila.

    • Cris said on 07-03-2009

      Hi Niel! Keep doing what you’re doing, but do not overdo it. You can love your oppressors, but you can’t please them (enough).

    • lanz said on 11-03-2009

      sorry to disagree wth you, ha, pero parang ganun rin ang situacion ko ngayon. parents ko, ayaw ng anak na bading, tapos kung magparinig, akala naman matatamaan ako, pero sus, matagal nang bato ang puso ko sa mga ganyan since “conditioned” na ako since grade school…

      tapos ang patuloy na sinasabi ng nanay ko, mahal niya ako, pero alam ko, siya ang numero unong sinungaling na kilala ko, dahil hindi naman niya mamahalin ang gay side ko, ‘e, so pa’no niya nasabing ganon, parang sinabi na niya ring hipocrita siya…

      tapos tungkol sa sinabi mong successful ka sa school tapos ikaw na pala ang financial support ng familia mo, hay sus, hindi na ako magtataka kung isang araw na-realize mong inaabuso ka na pala dahil nga sa iyo. kung ako nasa lugar mo, pababayaan ko ang mga ‘yan na magdusa, dahil tutal naman nakuha na nila ang tinatamasa nilang karma sa buhay, ‘e…

      at hindi rin ako naniniwala na nagmamature ang tao, in the case sa mga relatives mong homophobes, ang tawag dyan, use and abuse, plastic wrap, and Tupperware party…

      pasensya talaga, ha, kasi ako, mas masama ang loob ko mas lalo na sa Nanay ko na numero uno ding homophobe…

  37. watzabatza said on 04-03-2009

    OMG! is it okay for you that he will be a gay?

  38. Ian said on 04-03-2009

    My Dad worked overseas.

    He left during the depression in the mid-80s. There was the Mid-East boom back then. I was a year old when he left, and returned 5 years later. I was entrusted to my Nanay, my two sisters and my yaya. Imagine the female-figures i had (and still have) in my life! Never did my Nanay, or my older sisters, lift a finger against my malambot-ways. On the other hand, my Tatay and I used to have talks on being gay a day before he leaves back for the Mid-East. Kesyo pinagtatawanan ang mga bakla, kesyo hindi malayo ang mararating, etc. Imagine hearing that at Grade 3! That’s when i vowed to myself to prove him wrong.

    I agree with MGG. Love your child and his respect and honor to those who showed him respect will follow.

    Not that i’m arrogant but i’m proud of myself –my accomplishments and my principles in life. I’m now 24y/o; came from a premiere university; and, I consider myself to have a stable & exciting career. My Nanay and sisters were great role models when i was growing up, so that must have been a great factor. I respect and love my Tatay as well, but let’s just say i’m closer to my Nanay than him.

  39. Jedd said on 04-03-2009

    Ms. Stella, your son is going to love you like hell. You’re going to be the first on his list when he gives his honor roll, graduation, every award speech. You’re going to be proudly introduced to every single friend he makes. You’re going to be more important than all the boys he’ll ever meet and fall for. And he’s going to be there when you’re old. He’ll pester you endlessly to take your meds, fix your meals himself, and take you on walks at the park. He’ll cry the loudest and hold your hand the tightest on your last breath. Finally, he’ll look back at how you admirably chose to love him just as he is, in a world practically screaming to tell you otherwise, and he’ll love and do good to others in the same way you did.

  40. JEREMi said on 04-03-2009

    dont take this personally pero why does some people think of homosexuality is a desease? LOL, yes pwede xa hereditary pero hello its not like brest cancer that can be treated noh! up to the present they’re still arguing about the nature or nurture theory, pero IN MY OPINION, no matter how you shape someone kung ano ung nature nia un pa rin talaga ang mangyayari, so i think its more nature than nurture. I have a friend here ung parents nia pinasok xa sa all guys school para daw di mabakla and he turned more gay than me! LOL,

    pero ayon nga tama, your still his mom regardless of his sexual preference, gay or not he still deserves your unconditional love and attention, like my mom she never asked me if i was gay or not but she said whatever makes me happy she’ll support me. dont judge, accept mo nalang. and kung di mo talaga kaya e accept at least respect. yun lang po 🙂

    • lanz said on 23-03-2009

      kaya some people take homosexuality is a sin dahil hello, history had been dominated by homophobes, kaya ayun, from present to modern…

  41. ming said on 04-03-2009

    he should have gay friends

  42. AmrothFaelivrin said on 04-03-2009

    I totally agree with Migs and Stella.

    People are born gay… so there’s really no “cure” for homosexuality.

    There is no group where Verna can go to have his son “treated”. But I suggest she starts hanging out with gay men or women who support their gay sons. Ang problema dito ay wala sa bata kundi nasa magulang. Tanggap naman ng bata ang sarili niya di ba? He wouldn’t feel “inappropriate” until other people tell him he is.

    At this point, I wanna share a tidbit of my life. When I was in 4th grade my father suspected that I was gay. When I got home from school, he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me shouting, “Kapag nagpakabakla ka, papasagasaan kita sa jeep!”

    So I tried REALLY hard to be straight to please him and to fit in. Needless to say my high school life became more miserable than it normally would and I’ve been conflicted until I graduated from college.

    Of course when I had enough guts and money to stand on my own I “reverted” to being gay. And the freedom I felt was just overwhelming.

    I hope Verna’s kid won’t have to go hrough the shit people like me had to go through.

  43. pura said on 04-03-2009

    to verna: asking a shrink for help regarding your son’s possible homosexuality is a futile endeavor, believe me it will not help. This act could destroy your son as it could also instigate his rebellion over you.

    as sheila said, live and let live. i quote this as one of her best advice, “present society’s idea of what boys and girls should act, but remind him that choosing to be something other than what we usually see isn’t really wrong. It’s just different”.

  44. i am narnian said on 04-03-2009

    gender is the first thing that a baby is conditioned to. And who can help it really? After the baby comes out of the mother, the doctor screams: “It’s a boy! (or a girl)” And that’s when conditioning starts. heck, in this day and age, we already know the sex of the baby even before it’s born so we prepare in advance by buying blue stuff for boys and pink stuff for girls.

    Being gay is not a disease (engaging in homosexual behaviors may lead to getting a disease, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). You can’t send your kid to a doctor for a cure. Just give him unconditional positive regard, such that if ever he does grow up gay, he’s more confident in his skin because he knows he has a mother who loves him, whatever he is.

  45. arni ramirez said on 04-03-2009

    we’ve arrived!

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