03
Cruelty of a Straight Man’s World
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This has got to be one of the saddest, most appalling stories I’ve read recently. It’s from the latest book I finished reading, just this morning, while I was having my Sunday breakfast at Starbucks along E. Rodriguez Ave. The book is entitled The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World (Alan Downs). It’s an experience related by the author himself, a psychotherapist.
I thought I’d share this story to show how cruel this world can be as experienced by a young gay man. See, the world is cruel enough — let’s not add to its cruelty, folks. Say with me, “World Peace.”
Read on.
Many years ago in California, I treated Sean, a bright, very handsome young man who was in a residential treatment facility for adolescents. Sean had been placed into the facility for repeatedly running away from home and for frequent bouts of depression. When I met him, it became clear to both of us that Sean was gay. Although he described himself as bisexual, it was evident that his only real romantic feelings had been for other boys.
Sean told me that his maternal grandfather had been the only person who seemed to understand him. He was a wise old man who spent a great deal of time with Sean, taking him fishing and camping in the nearby mountains. These trips away from home were greatly welcomed respites from the frequent beatings he was subjected to by his stepfather. His mother had remarried when Sean was seven years old, and the stepfather had been determined to “whip him into shape.”
I hadn’t been treating Sean for very long when I learned that he had recently had a sexual affair with another male resident. Of course, sexual relations among any of the residents were strictly forbidden in treatment-the subsequent persecution brought from the other male residents was just one of the many good reasons why. The other boys whispered loud enough for Sean to hear “queer” and “homo” when he walked by. The taunting and embarrassment had become unbearable for Sean. The other resident with whom he had the affair denied having participated in anything and completely ignored Sean when the affair became public knowledge.
One Friday in July, I met with Sean just before he was to have a two-hour visit with his mother. He was so excited to see her and told me that he had convinced her that he was ready to return home now. As he told it, they were going to make plans for his discharge in the next week.
That Sunday, sitting out on the patio of my favorite coffee shop, my cell phone rang. The voice on the other end was frantic. “Dr. Downs, you’ve got to come to the office quickly.” Concerned, I questioned the caller, a junior staff member at the facility, carefully. As he choked out the details, I started running to the car. One of the male residents had hung himself.
On the drive to the treatment facility, I somehow knew that Sean was the person in question, but the staffer who had called me said that he wasn’t sure. As I walked onto the grounds, I’ll never forget what I saw. There, swinging from a rope tied to a tree not more than a hundred yards from my office, was Sean.
After his death I learned that the visit with Sean’s mother had gone poorly and that she had told him that he could not return because his stepfather wouldn’t allow a homosexual in the house. She told him he was to spend the next six months in treatment and hopefully “get over” his sexual problems. Undoubtedly, Sean had been drowned in overwhelming shame, not only from his parents but by a treatment center that had failed to keep him safe from the cruel tauntings of the other young men. It had been unbearable, and he chose the only escape he could think of.
Sean left behind two notes. One was to his mother telling her not to worry because he had gone to heaven to be with his beloved grandfather. And the other was addressed to me, apologizing for having killed himself. He closed the note with these brief words scrawled in distressed handwriting: “You were the only one who understood.”
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sad naman…
jedong at May 3, 09 at 7:00 pm
sigh. people can be so cruel
kawawa naman. he must have felt rejected all the time. 
this story gives people in the closet like me more reasons to stay in it. 
hay. buhay talaga. ang gulo
laddie at May 3, 09 at 7:12 pm
Ask where buy book? i like read the book.
John Paulo S. Trinidad at May 3, 09 at 8:31 pm
@John Paulo: I bought my copy via Amazon.com — I am not sure if the book is available locally (I checked Powebooks but it’s not in their inventory database.)
migs at May 3, 09 at 8:37 pm
that’s just so sad.
vin at May 3, 09 at 10:21 pm
thanks for sharing this… im lucky i dont have to go thru this (anymore)… sure hope other young, confused gay men would be ablke to find refuge and comfort and not end up hanging them selves…
donald at May 4, 09 at 6:22 am
Wait till the author hears of that poor old gay man from Cebu who had surgery to remove an Axe deodorant canister from his rectum/anus. And what the medical staff did to humiliate him
JY at May 4, 09 at 12:53 pm
the story was so sad.. one of the very many reasons i am not coming out.. so afraid….
misha at May 4, 09 at 1:25 pm
Ambait mo naman Migs to share this book and your wisdom to the gay community. Malaking bagay ka lalo na sa mga kafatid natin na hangang ngayon ay confused. Keep up the good work and please continue touching our lives…
David at May 4, 09 at 4:31 pm
how much is the retail price mr. migs? pati shipping nadin. hehe. thank you!
pacific-o at May 4, 09 at 5:59 pm
Nag comment lang ako kahit di ko binasa ang kwento… Para kasing alam ko na ang kwento kahit sa unang lines pa lang eh… Sensya na kuya Migs… sabi mo pa nga World Peace!
jed at May 4, 09 at 7:21 pm
siguro that’s why gays here in the philippines are better of elsewhere. kahit na sabihin liberated ang mga americans may extreme cases parin na ganyan. i guess dito sa pinas kaya magaling mambara ng mga bakla is because we learned to take care and defend of ourselves and not just to give up.
richie at May 4, 09 at 10:07 pm
suicide is always an option for me. but i’m hoping that i will not exit this world that way.
harrypotter at May 5, 09 at 12:57 am
THE STORY REMINDED ME OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE WAY BACK EARLY 80′S IN MANILA. I WAS IN MY SECOND YEAR MEDICINE AT UST WHEN I JOINED OPUS DEI(SARANGANI BRANCH) NOT KNOWING HOW HOMOPHOBIC THIS ORGANIZATION WAS AND IS STILL NOW. ONE DAY, ONE OF THE ORGANIZERS OF OPUS DEI TOLD ME THAT I AM NO LONGER WELCOME IN THE OPUS DEI BECAUSE THEY FOUND ME TO BE ‘TOO EFFEMINATE’ WAS NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO STUDY IN THEIR LIBRARY AND WAS DEBARRED FROM ENTERING THE PREMISES OF THE SARANGANI BUILDING WHICH WAS THEN LOCATED ON DOS CASTILLAS STREET. I’M ALMOST 50 NOW AND STILL CANNOT FORGET THE PERSECUTION I SUFFERED FROM THE OPUS DEI PEOPLE. I’M RESIDING NOW IN NEW YORK USA AND I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE HOW THE MODERN GAYS MADE A MILESTONE IN TERMS OF BEING ACCEPTED AND AT THE SAME TIME RESPECTED IN AMERICA. AS TO OPUS DEI PEOPLE…I JUST WISH YOU DISAPPEAR FROM THE PLANET EARTH. YOU HYPOCRITES
RAFFY at May 5, 09 at 11:25 am
Sad story indeed. But suicide should never be an option. Just walk forward even when the path is blurry with tears, after a while you’ll come to realize that life is more than the pain and find ways to move on. Humans were built like that I guess
Jay at May 5, 09 at 8:02 pm
i hope this book will be available soon here..i kinda like it.
maccallister at May 5, 09 at 8:54 pm
Kuya Migs,
Binasa ko po ulit ang post niu. At dis m0ment, tinapos ko na po xia. Sobrang lala nman ang kwento nia. I pity Sean so much.
Update niu nman po kung available na ang buk d2 sa Pinas. I think I’m gonna get a copy. Salamat for sharing d s2ry to us, ur gud readers!
Jed at May 5, 09 at 8:54 pm
kawawa naman si Sean…it’s so stupid that straight people brand homosexuality as a mere disorder….they are so closed minded…
dry gary at May 5, 09 at 11:04 pm
As cruel as Sean’s experience may be, sometimes you can’t blame straight people, particularly men from being too persecuting of gays because the truth is we are also the one who does things that make other people judge us. I know we have our rights but there are some of us who abuse it.
Gay, the word being a synonym of the word happy, is quite inapplicable to Sean who took his own life. Perhaps other cultures might be more open to gays but not necessarily friendly to the 3rd sex.
tylerwilson at May 6, 09 at 12:49 am
i liked the story.
it was very sad,, but very inspiring.
khadz at May 6, 09 at 9:29 pm
Oo nga di ko alam na until now these kinds of situations still happen. I feel lucky to be accepted for what I am, although yung next of kin ko lang. Anyway I don’t really care about what they (relatives) say about me. To hell they are!
Yoruosu12 at May 6, 09 at 9:51 pm
we cant blame the child to do suicide. He’s vulnerable and confused. His grandpa only loved him so much that even his mom cant act as a mother to him. His mother is so weak cause she lives in an over-traditional manner where wives are just wives.
He committed suicide because he’d rather go to his grandpa and be loved than staying here getting insults and hurt after. Thats how human made this world cruel. Im just 20 but I’ve seen a lot.
dennis at May 7, 09 at 4:35 am
this is really heartbreaking.
Lr at May 7, 09 at 2:04 pm
medyo close din sa story ng movie entitled Prayers for Bobby. grabe sobrang tearjerker.
cordy at May 8, 09 at 7:53 am
that should not have been the ending.. As parents they should have just accepted him for who he is and who he chooses to love. as for HIM.. he should have known better.. madami sa mga katulad naten ang may ganoong experience with their parents.. pero what did we do?? lalo pa tayong nag strive to be our best.. we kept pushing ourselves just to fit in THEIR world.. in fact.. in this day and age.. WE are the ones who make their fave movie. WE are the ones who made their clothes. WE make THEIR lives more comfortable. they cannot do anything when I say… YES. WE ARE HERE TO STAY!!!. yes it is hard to live in a straight man’s world. if we are going to let them make it hard for us.
kyokushin at May 8, 09 at 4:53 pm
sobrang sad naman poh nyan huhuhuhuhu …. gusto ko din yang basahin….
aeriol at May 9, 09 at 7:22 pm
very touching stories…na tamaan ako dun a….help me..
joshua at May 11, 09 at 2:50 am
Naiyak ako, kung andun lang ako sa tabi nyah as his friend, am sure hindi nya gagawin yun…
mellicious at May 13, 09 at 7:10 am
I’m moving out because I can’t live with the fact that my family can’t accept me. The story reminded me why I must move out. Thanks Migs for posting the blog.
Cris at May 13, 09 at 11:11 pm
sigh… that was so sad.. they really don’t understand that homosexuality is not an illness… young gays need more understanding than any other normal human beings cause at young age most of them are already experiencing humiliation, embarrassment and cruelty.
rak at May 14, 09 at 6:05 am
hay naku…i have been through that…tatay ko military, so imagine my life growing up in the closet..but when i found my true love, my partner, i found the courage to come out of the closet, and refused to be taken down by criticisms or taunts from bigots and self-righteous extremists..hahahaha!!!
salamat sa brother ko, the acceptance from my family started from him, and gradually, everyone accepted me for who i am.. i am a doctor now, and reading this made me realize how much i could be of help to prevent another kid like this from hanging himself…
laurel at May 19, 09 at 9:32 am
Hello Everyone,
Well, to tell you guys honestly, I am very much confused. Is it really the “straight” people who discriminates gays or is it really “gays” in straight man’s clothing? hmm…
Based on my observation and from what I read, there are only two reasons why people are homophobic:
1: because they are gay themselves and;
2: because they had been harassed when they were young.
I have found discriminations among the gay community; Try going to chat rooms. If you are effeminate, they don’t want you. Homosexuality has a wide range and it is the same as being unique. Maybe we should look into ourselves first and accept who we really are before we criticize others of not accepting the way we are?
just to share my background, I am pure chinese and as we all know, it has a very conservative background and tradition to follow. But being gay had never been a problem to me. Was it because I hid in the closet and pretended that everything was fine? NO! I trusted my instinct and followed my dreams without hesitation. Did I care what others will say? Yes, but people are really entitled to their own opinions.
Life is too short to focus on those people who would not even benefit you. As long as you do not hurt anyone, please live life as if it were your last day. Trust me on this… it will really set you free.
Blessings!
Ariel at May 21, 09 at 3:34 pm
when i was a bit younger, my born again mom found out i was gay. she told me i was a snake in her house.
i will never ever forget those words. They were uttered by a person i loved so so much. the words stabbed me like a blunt knife and it hurts me till now.
after that incident, she would come into my room and try to “convert me”. every time i would hear the door open, my heart would jump and i wished, prayed, hoped to God I would die.
i told my father, that if my mom didn’t stop, i would take my life. i was VERY serious about it.
i still wish i was gone from this earth.
Paul de la Cruz at May 23, 09 at 6:52 am
this is sad..
to think that some people just want to be accepted, to be treated as a person and with respect..
i wish i could have been a friend to sean and to others like him..
joe at May 23, 09 at 10:18 pm
hi! can you tell me where did you buy the book.
im having a hard time finding one.
tnx!
lei at Jun 16, 09 at 7:36 pm
Hi to all readers! Just dropped by here for the first time. Ang ganda ng story above. Basahin yo yung comment ni #32 Ariel, he’s right. Hanggang maaga at may time, ipagsigawan nyo na sa buong nundo kung ano kayo. I mean, if you belong to 3rd Sex — BE PROUD! Tama rin sya na ngayon mostly sa mga Bi’s when they found out na effeminate ka, halos ayaw nila sa’yo. Kung ako nga lang masusunod hanggat maaari wag sana ganun, tayo-tayo na nga lang yung nagkakaintindihan mostly sa mga matters related sa Homosexuality then nag lalaglagan pa. How sad na patuloy pa rin nangyayari yun and sabi nga nila Discrimination ay mahirap alisin and sa 3rd Sex world ay mayroon rin nun. Don’t get me wrong for those effeminate hater there.
Lasty, wag rin tayo pa-affect sa mga nag ju-judge sa’tin — LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST! Be thankful rin na kahit papaano nagiging open na anf country natin when it comes to Homosexuality. God Bless us!
Hao at Jul 2, 09 at 4:04 am
I’ve heard lots of stories of gays trying to kill themselves because of not being accepted by the people around them. The above story told it so. It sad that gay people are being judge by way they look or act. But gay people are the most interesting people to discover or be with; it doesn’t matter whether they are straight-acting, effeminate, discreet or out.
I was raised by my aunts every time my mom and dad were away from work. The reason way I’m sort of a effeminate type despite that my uncles love me so dearly, too. They showered me with love and acceptance.
When I told my mom I’m gay, she just looked at me and answered “I knew it all along,” and she was the one told my relatives.
Acceptance is one fact to deal with. And being gay is not a problem if you accept yourself as one and the people you love as well. Often times we’re being misjudged and misunderstood, But don’t mislead yourself if you have people behind your back to support you it doesn’t matter how other people look at you. Love yourself and those ugly people will love you, too. Don’t hate them there will be time they’ll be the ones will crawl under you pretty feet.
I’m happy what I am today. Though, I shed lot of tears from past relationships, but still I hold on. Just remember we are born to deliver love and be loved. If they can’t love you at least you spread yours. Somewhere beneath the sky same person is thinking what you’re thinking now.
jhez at Aug 5, 09 at 5:01 pm