23
Good Intentions, Bad Questions
Entry Feed TrackbackYou are a great friend, sincere, and truly concerned. You just learned that your friend broke up with his partner, and so naturally you come to the rescue. With the best of intentions, you ask him…
“What happened? Tell me details how it happened!”
“Sino ang nakipag-break?”
“Whose decision is it?”
“May pag-asa pa kayo magkabalikan?”
Go ask these questions, and to your friend you become insensitivity incarnate. You may go and justify with, “super close naman kami, he knows I only have the best of intentions.” Kahit na. The last thing your friend needs at the moment is to get riddled with questions that would further rip open his already aching wounds. If he really wants to spill out his guts and his emotions, let him do it on his own accord and in his own time. You’re not a surgeon in an exploratory lap operation.
So what should one do?
Simple. Sit with your friend, and let him be. The furthest you might inquire would be, “How are you?” Not even, “are you ok?” Stick with “how are you?” I tell you, in that difficult situation, a “how are you?” is hard enough to answer. So respect him if he gives you just a confused look as an answer. And let him be. Just listen, and keep those love advices to yourself (“Ok lang yan… Kaya mo yan… He’s a jerk naman talaga… Lilipas din yan…”) — these are seemingly comforting words but I still say silence on the matter would be your best ally.
—-
You might be asking why I am writing this. Yes, I confirm, Migs the Manila Gay Guy has just recently been “singled.”
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The first question you ALWAYS ask is: “you want to talk about it?” Then proceed as it goes.
Mikey_Liling at May 23, 09 at 3:23 pm
I always ask, Is there anything I can do to help you? and then give reassuring statements like, Im here to listen when you’re ready. I don’t ask the obvious like ‘are you ok?’, or ‘how are you?’, cause its obvious that he isn’t ok or is in a rough time…
carl at May 23, 09 at 3:39 pm
how are you?
john stanley at May 23, 09 at 3:46 pm
I’ve been an avid reader of this site and haven’t found any reason to post anything until I read this. It’s really hard, having been through with a very bad breakup myself. A friend can always sit beside you and just be there without any words spoken. The presence of a friend is more important than any conversation or beer. Hehehe…
gulo-gulo at May 23, 09 at 4:03 pm
Just let us know if you need someone to sit beside you, my friend. At the minimum, I promise to keep quiet.
Tristan Tan at May 23, 09 at 4:11 pm
But sometimes, people also get satiated with the “are you ok?” question and get tired of answering it left and right.
When that happens, as a friend, I just give him a kiss and hope that that kiss makes the pain less difficult to bear.
sending you kisses from HK, friend!
Ryeness at May 23, 09 at 5:24 pm
ok ka ba t’yan?
yakult at May 23, 09 at 6:42 pm
condolences…joke!
we’ll be here for you.
ming at May 23, 09 at 7:25 pm
You’ll be well, Migs…
Rainiel at May 23, 09 at 7:30 pm
warmest hugs and kisses…be strong po
erick at May 23, 09 at 8:40 pm
Well Migs ur lucky enough. me, ive been single for 3 freakin’ years now. and im contented.
)
Jan at May 23, 09 at 8:59 pm
i believe silence can speak a thousand words. a friend in need is a friend indeed.
jessie at May 23, 09 at 10:46 pm
great post.i know what u r trying to say here,there are some words even if your intention is to help it still sounds insensitive,so altleast people now know haha
maccallister at May 23, 09 at 11:52 pm
pa-KISS! (lips-to-lips)
pustiso at May 24, 09 at 12:14 am
To break up with someone is very painful. I do agree with you sir Migs that a friend comforting you may not necessarily ask you the details to what caused the pain. By just being beside someone and giving encouraging words would be very much enough to ease a friends bleeding heart. Do not worry migs…you may feel that LOVE betrayed you but it will only be for a time. You’ll definitely stand up from where u have fallen and continue on with LIFE…
fu at May 24, 09 at 12:50 am
At least nagka-bf
ako nga 23 years na sa earth never pa nagka-bf eh
bentwood at May 24, 09 at 12:54 am
@bentwood – pareho tayo.. To migs – everything happen for a reason.. its hurts so bad and I understand pero alam ko matalino ka at kaya mong dalin yan.. sabi nga ni Aaliyah “dust yourself off and try again” World Peace!
chris of Brunei at May 24, 09 at 7:36 am
o my god! migs you can find another guy.
it’s humanly natural to be depressed for a few days or weeks until you get over it.
an dami dami gustong magmahal sayo. alam mo ba yun. isa nako dun.
allen at May 24, 09 at 7:57 am
i learned something in this post. wala lang. ^_^
mm, God bless sir migs.
kel at May 24, 09 at 10:00 am
yes. Im going through the same pain. forgiveness is d first step… If u can’t, just let it be for a time… Acceptance is a process and could b very difficult… Yet difficult does not necessarily mean impossible. Healing and moving on is also a process, sad but reality is, there are no shortcuts to this process… Pray… Pray… Pray…
keeiko at May 24, 09 at 12:45 pm
listen to beverly knight’s song “GOLD”… Just to pull urself up somehow… Music is my strength in times like these…
keeiko at May 24, 09 at 12:49 pm
there are only two things that can be said: i’m sorry and i’m here for you. note that these are not questions so the person you’re addressing doesn’t need to answer or say anything back.
brandon at May 24, 09 at 1:47 pm
“and it came to pass….”
that often quoted line in the bible…and you know what? it is true…not necessarily having to do with gigantic biblical proportions but even in everyday, trivial matters in our lives, including breaking up with our boyfriends.
but for now…grieve if you must…we’re just here…
take care.
Alex at May 24, 09 at 3:23 pm
i agree with Alex here, It will pass, though. Its still life experiences after all. and it will define you who you really are….
weng at May 24, 09 at 8:44 pm
with my experience the best question i was asked “are u ok”, then it was an opener to spill all out or just say “ok lang”…then shut up..
bakit ganun parang laging katapusan…
ingat lang
greiko at May 24, 09 at 9:11 pm
o-mi-effing-gad!!!
as in Migs?? you’re single na? well any way, i knnow makakhanap ka rin nmn ng iba eh..
hope you’re okay.. and wish you luck! c”,)
jam at May 25, 09 at 12:05 am
True, “how are you?” is very open ended yet it does not assume anything. And you never preempt them with questions like: “what’s wrong?” or “what’s the problem?” cos we never really can tell if indeed, one is having those things.
And yes, a true friend can actually withstand sitting in silence, not knowing why, how, when, where, or what.
Gino at May 25, 09 at 12:32 am
Let it go; you can have my shoulder to cry on…
Yann at May 25, 09 at 12:53 am
you know the most therapeutic word..no, i mean act…S-I-L-E-N-C-E..
2NE1 at May 25, 09 at 1:48 am
JUST LET IT FLOW!
kagandahan_00 at May 25, 09 at 2:50 am
i always love you tap their back and sit beside them and hug them…. and when they open up… i listen to them… just listen… unless they will ask my opinion
garrymerza at May 25, 09 at 1:42 pm
i’m an ardent reader but this is the first time that i’m going to write here… you will pull through. and one day, as you look back, you will be a happier, stronger person. my prayers are with you.
nico at May 25, 09 at 3:22 pm
theres always a light at the end of the tunnel.
millionaires game.
weng at May 25, 09 at 8:28 pm
MIGS,
HOW ARE YOU? TACE CARE ALWAYS. I’M HERE.
blood berry at May 25, 09 at 10:15 pm
MIGS,
HOW ARE YOU? TAKE CARE ALWAYS. I’M HERE.
BLOOD BERRY at May 25, 09 at 10:16 pm
kung ako friend mo migs, i’ll be celebrating.
at last binigay ka rin nya sa akin. hehehe.
i’ll hug u and kiss u and hug u again and kiss u again like “xoxo”. hahaha.
maniac at May 25, 09 at 11:11 pm
ako hinde.. tatanong ko talaga.. bakit ba.. gusto ko malaman eh.. kung ayaw nya sumagot eh di wag.. kung sumagot sya malay mo sa kaka kuwento nya mahanap din nya ang sagot na hinahanap nya.
no_b_llsh_t at May 26, 09 at 1:42 am
*sigh*… i feel for u migs…
in moments lke this one.. i only wish for time to go a little bit faster, for days to go on quickly.. coz in my opinion it’s the only remedy..
let me quote for u migs..:
“Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.
…and those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.”
~PC~
WarwickAvenue at May 27, 09 at 11:13 pm
waaaaa……..
ngayon ko lang nabasa to migs!
tara gimik tayo!
ian at May 28, 09 at 12:07 am
the most fitting question would always be “how ae you?”
then if he answers the next question would be ” would you like to talk about it over a cup of coffee or some brown bottles?”
Sometimes its hard to console a friend especially if he wants to keep everything to himself. But since you wanted him to feel okay you really have to exert effort to make him open up and release some pain from his system but be prepared for the worst which sometimes would come from your own opinion of the matter which he may misinterpret. Remember that he still would one to keep a positive image of his partner.
excel828 at May 29, 09 at 12:21 am
great read! i agree… people oftentimes have good intentions but the moment they opened their mouth, it just aggravates the situation. i believe it depends on your friend whether they want to be asked or if they want to spill it out. for me, if i’m hurt, i want my friends to ask me, rather than me telling it.
Leo at May 29, 09 at 2:18 am
Hi Migs!
Its so had to answer such questions!
I have people, whom I guess did have the right intentions but my goodness! Sila pa yung magagalit kasi ayaw mong sabihin. I didn’t want to answer their questions! Anyways, hope you’re feeling better now. People/Friends could be so insensitive at times….
broekn up 2 at May 29, 09 at 6:22 am
let’s go Oprah:
what happened?
taming a wound with a euphemistic “how are u?” won’t suffice a heart yearning for more life-defining answers than simplistic, commonsensical questions.
details may not matter but i think more than “questioning,”
it’s a pat on the back that proves most comforting to a heartbroken friend.
Errr at May 29, 09 at 11:13 pm
Nice post! Tama si Migs saying “How are you?” to a broken friend is enough. Sit with your friend and just listen.
Good job!
JAWE at Jun 4, 09 at 2:00 pm