Manila Gay Guy

People use rituals to help them in their transitions. Endings, in particular, are celebrated in many ways. For some people, when they end relationships, they clean out things given to them by their separated other half. Some would return, some give away, and others burn. For me, it is this. This is my ritual – recording a favorite Neruda poem, translated in Filipino, to formally end my chapter with Marco. This marks the end, but also a new beginning.

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi
ni Pablo Neruda (Salin ni Jose Lacaba)

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.

Maisusulat, halimbawa: “Ang gabi’y mabituin,
at nanginginig, asul, ang mga tala sa dako pa roon.”

Umiikot sa langit ang hangin ng gabi, umaawit.

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Siya’y inibig ko, at kung minsan ako’y inibig din niya.

Sa mga gabing tulad nito, niyakap ko siyang mahigpit
at hinagkan sa lilim ng walang-hanggang langit.

Ako’y inibig niya, kung minsan siya’y inibig ko rin.
Paanong hindi iibigin ang mga mata niyang malamlam?

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Isipin lang: Hindi ko siya kapiling. Nawala siya sa akin.

Dinggin ang gabing malawak, mas malawak pagkat wala siya.
At ang tula’y pumapatak sa diwa, parang hamog sa parang.

Ano ngayon kung di siya mapangalagaan ng aking pag-ibig?
Ang gabi’y mabituin, at siya’y hindi ko kapiling.

Iyon lamang. Sa malayo, may umaawit. Sa malayo.
Diwa ko’y hindi mapalagay sa kanyang pagkawala.

Anyong lalapit ang paningin kong naghahanap sa kanya.
Puso’y naghahanap sa kanya, at siya’y hindi kapiling.

Ito ang dating gabing nagpaputi sa mga dating punongkahoy.
Tayo, na nagmula sa panahong iyon, ay di na tulad ng dati.

Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero inibig ko siyang lubos.
Tinig ko’y humalik sa hangin para dumampi sa kanyang pandinig.

Sa iba. Siya’y sa iba na. Tulad ng mga dati kong halik.
Tinig, maningning na katawan. Mga matang walang-hanggan.

Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero baka iniibig ko siya.
Napakaikli ng pag-ibig, at napakabata ng paglimot.

Pagkat sa mga gabing tulad nito’y yakap ko siyang mahigpit,
diwa ko’y di mapalagay sa kanyang pagkawala.

Ito marahil ang huling hapding ipadarama niya sa akin,
at ito na marahil ang huling tulang iaalay ko sa kanya.

Listen: (2 min 37 sec)

Download this recording (right click and save) – 2.4 MB

Sexy Skinhead in the Slums is Derek Ramos, previously featured here and here. Thanks to photographer friend Ian Alquiros for the fantastic shots.

More here. And here, Derek’s very own Multiply site.

Hindi ako “emo” na tao. Sabi nga ng mga gel prens ko bato daw ang puso ko. Kasi daw, nung naghiwalay kami ng partner ko of 1 year, di nila ako nakitaan ng anumang pag-iinarte. No drama, no fuss. Parang nag-burp lang daw ako. Tinapos ang isang napakagandang relasyon nang walang kaabog-abog. At higit sa lahat, nang walang ka-drama-drama. Kasi nga, hindi ako emo.

Minsan naaalibadbaran pa nga ako sa mga eme-endeavor sa pagiging emoterang bading. Tipo bang taon na ang binilang, eh kinakarir pa rin ang pag-e-emote. Hindi ba sila familiar sa quotable quote na time heals all wounds? Aba, `teh, anong petsa na at nagmumukmok ka pa rin?

Pero, alam ninyo, nakakagulat. Di nga ako emotera, bato nga ang puso ko, pero bakit ganito? Mahigit isang buwan na ang lumipas ng paghihiwalay namin ni Marco pero parang di ko pa rin maisara ang kabanata ng buhay kong iyon?

Bakit sa kabila ng di ko pagpapakita ng kahinaan, ng walang humpay na pagpapanggap na everything is alright, business-as-usual, ay para bang may nakadagan pa ring bigat sa aking dibdib?

Bakit kahit alam kong di nakakatulong ay patuloy pa rin ang pakikinig ko sa mga sad love songs, mga separation songs, mga awiting walang ginawa kundi daliruting bonggang-bongga ang sariwa kong sugat, di maghilom, kumakatas pa rin sa kabila ng sandali nitong panunuyo?

Bakit kapag nakakakita ako ng mga magnobyo, magnobya, mga bading na obvious na mag-parter, kulang na lang eh koronahan ko sila ng mag-asawang sampal, bulyawan ng “pota, maghihiwalay din kayo!” Poot na nga yata ang namumuo sa aking dating tender, loving heart.

Shet. Di maaari ito. Dapat magising na ako sa katotohanan, tanggapin ang mapait na nakaraan. Kurutin ko ang aking singit hanggang mamula’t mangitim ito sa sakit. Gising, Migs, gising!

Kaso ang sarap yakapin ng aking napakalambot na unan, busog na busog, walang kasimputi, napakalinis, napakabango. Habang kumakaripas ang tulo ng luha mula sa aking malamlam na mga mata. Habang inaalala ko na minsan, minahal niya ako, mahal na mahal na mahal. At ngayon, wala na. Aray. Aray to the blue blue sky.

The Bakla Review (TBR), the undisputed expert in Philippine gay film criticism, says of the movie “Dose” –

There’s no nudity, and a “penetration” consummates only towards the end, but Dose is a decidedly sexual journey. It’s the story of a boy’s coming of age, yet the genius of the movie is that it acknowledges the boy’s sexuality as something to be anticipated and inevitable, a thing of the future, but also a tactile presence, already happening… I found it touching, funny, sad, and exhilarating. This is a gay coming of age that’s deeper, braver, edgier than Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros) or Ang Lihim Ni Antonio (Antonio’s Secret).

TBR says more here (a full review), and then in the end gives the film an “A” rating. I missed the movie when it was shown last year, but here’s good news from Senedy Que, the director of “Dose”:

hi. hope all is well … my directorial debut, “Dose,” will have a one-week engagement at Robinson’s Galleria Indiesine July 1 to 7. It stars Yul Servo, Emilio Garcia, and introducing Fritz Arvhie Chavez as the 12-year-old boy at the center of this disturbing tale about love, lust, and loss of innocence … In Dose, love knows no age or gender. senedy que

July 1 to 7, then. See you there.

In the photo below: Senedy Que (middle), Dose’s director flanked by Yul Servo (left) and Emilio Garcia (right).

Hi Migs!!!

I am a fan of your blog and i find it interesting especially the pics and some posts about homosexuality and love life. I just turned 24 today, and I am working in a BPO company somewhere in Alabang.

I decided to send you a message, ’cause I find it hard to keep this dilemma to myself, almost my entire frickin’ homosexual life. I have been loveless since birth and I have felt inside that being gay makes things a bit worse for me. And I am always disturbed when my friends always talk ’bout their guys, how they met their romeos, how good they were in bed, how long is their relationship with the guy, etc., things like that. I am always the odd one out because I have nothing to share with them.

And in the middle of what seemed to be a good gay conversation, is me, silent and nonchalant, but deep inside there is an intense desire that just like them, I need love too. I am tired of occasionally pickin up guys to satisfy me for a night. I have always wished that someday, it’ll just come in an unexpected way and whether the relationship lasted for barely a month or a decade, I will treasure that and I can say to myself “na pwede na akong mamatay”.

But I don’t know where to start. I know that there is something wrong and i just can’t point out if it is me or the things/people around me. Help me out…

Sincerely,
Melai

Hello Melai,

First of all, happy birthday! *Hugs* from the Manila Gay Guy.

As I read your letter, a blog post of CC (co-fabcaster, blogger, and long-time friend) came to mind, which I’m excerpting below. Read and drink from the wisdom of a love master:

… (it’s) sad that some people feel that romantic love is lacking in their lives. and some complain of being lonely, lonesome, alone… perhaps some of these people focus too much on what they don’t have, i.e. no love in their lives. and whining about it just makes the thought expand. always mentioning this will just reinforce it further, a vicious cycle.

so turn it around. stop thinking you don’t have love. stop focusing on what is lacking in your life. start by recognizing that there are so many people around us who love us and whom we can love back! family, friends, people we work with… then you become thankful sincerely of what you already have: this wonderful people around.

Then start loving. It’s an action word. start focusing your energies on making people you love happy: your father and mother,… your grandparents, your officemates, your friends and barkada. spend time with them, make them laugh, make them feel appreciated. then extend to other people in dire need of loving: the poor, the elderly, the abandoned, the orphans and widows. just keep on loving and loving.

this way, you stop focusing on what you don’t have and you start focusing on loving people around. you end up sending signals of love to the universe. and that is what the universe will give back to you. love, in all its forms, perhaps including romantic love. [source]

So there. I hope by echoing CC’s thoughts I have helped you take the first step in loving. And this goes out too to all of you out there who are consciously or unconsciously looking for love. The first step to love is to love. And just as CC said, “love… and that is what the universe will give back to you.”

Have a great week everyone!

Love,
Migs

Seven gay guys and a lesbian trooped to the National Museum on a hot and humid Saturday morning. The first 2 hours of the 3-hour guided tour was good, and I was enjoying it, especially that the tour guide (Mr. John Silva, senior consultant, National Museum) is a gay guy himself — he started quite academic, even formal, but as we went from artifact to artifact, banga to banga, and chenes to chenes, he became more and more comfy, more and more animated, more and more gay — and I loved it! Towards the end of the tour he showed us the swirling staircase of the museum, and commented, “and bading, noh!” That had me in stitches.

The pinnacle of the guided tour was when he showed us the overwhelming (in size and in over-all impact) obra of Juan Luna, the Spoliarium.

Let me borrow John Silva’s words in describing this awe-inspiring work:

The painting’s brooding dark canvas exudes tragedy. The scene is the exit room of the Roman Colosseum called the Spoliarium, hence its name. The injured and dying gladiators are being dragged in. To the far right, a woman is half-sprawled on the floor, with her back turned to us. We do not see her face, but her crouch, her hands seemingly to her face, her head bowed and despondent, reveals only sorrow. To the far left we see Romans cheering on the next batch of gladiators in this blood-letting sport. It is barbarism captured on canvas and the Bellas Artes competition of Spain in 1884 would award this entry the gold prize. To everyone’s happy amazement, the second silver prize would be awarded to another Filipino artist, Felix Resureccion Hidalgo.

This painting inspired the young Jose Rizal, then a medical student and a close friend to both artists. Rizal, in his toast to the two artists at a celebration several weeks after, congratulated them and proceeded to declare the end of colonial patriarchy. After all, he reasons, if Filipinos can now equal the Spaniards in the arts, why couldn’t we be equal in political rights? It was a turning point for young Rizal. He had made a declaration. Several months later, he was involved in campus demonstrations and began to write the first sentences to his anti-colonial novel, “Noli Me Tangere.” The medical student’s career path was irrevocably altered, and he dedicated the rest of his life and even gave up his life for his country. It all started with a painting (…). [source]

He delivered this message, along with several more stories surrounding the painting, and it was such a dramatic moment. I myself had to hold back my tears. A piece of art, the Spoliarium, touched a man’s heart, lit a spark in his soul, changed his life, and his country’s life forever. The man’s name is Jose Rizal, and here is the speech that launched his “public life.” So fitting that we had this Spoliarium talk just 5 days before the speech’s 125th anniversary; Rizal spoke the historic speech on June 25, 1884.

I invite you to partake of this experience. We gay guys are an unusually brainy bunch. But what is more important is that we too have a heart, passionate, sometimes even feisty, that can surely resonate with the Spoliarium and all that it represents.

[Photo of the staircase taken from John Silva's blog.]

P.S. Thanks to OutedNarnian for organizing this National Museum tour! Good job!

Jeffrey Rejuso was the Circle of Ten 2007 Grand Winner and Page Jeans Image Model 2008. Enjoy his pictures here, taken by Dan Santos.

Here’s an urgent posting, requested by Danton Remoto, Chairman of Ang Ladlad:

Job Title: Writer/ Translator
Project: Yogyakarta Principles of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Rights (link to document here)
Duration: July 1-31, 2009

Job Description:
1. To summarize the key points of the Yogyakarta Principles in Filipino in a concise and readable manner;
2. To write the summary with the common, general reader in mind;
3. To provide examples of discrimination of LGBT Filipinos in the summary (can be sourced in the Ang Ladlad website);
4. To revise the summary and incorporate editorial suggestions of Ang Ladlad; and
5. To help in proofreading the text in layout form.

Requirements:
1. Submission of CV and Project Proposal;
2. The writer should have experience writing reports and summaries in Filipino;
3. The writer should be able to incorporate human-interest examples in the report;
4. The writer should be conversant with the issues and concerns of LGBT Filipinos; and
5. The writer should be able to meet deadlines and incorporate editorial suggestions.

Time Frame:
Deadline for submission of CV and Project Proposal = June 24
Awarding of contract = June 29
Deadline for submission of first draft = July 21
Deadline for submission of second draft = July 31
Supervisor: The Core Group of Ang Ladlad
Writer’s/Translator’s Fee: P25,000 net of taxes.
Fifty percent down payment upon signing of the contract. Fifty percent final payment upon delivery of the report/summary in both hard and soft copies.

Please submit CV and Project Proposal to Ms Bemz Benedito, Secretary of Ang Ladlad at her e-mail address: myinsidebemz@yahoo.com

When I was little, I memorized and repeatedly recited this little poem: “Mother, mother, I am sick. Call the doctor very quick! Doctor, doctor, shall I die? No, my darling, do not cry.” This same poem came back to mind as I received the following email from Dr. Ayedee Ace (not his real name). I include below our correspondence. Interesting. Read on, and share your thoughts.

hi migs,

i just want to ask your opinion regarding two experiences that i had. i won’t bother you with the details though.

i had a friend in college and who was also an org mate where we usually have meetings on friday afternoons after classes. this friend of mine was rumored to be gay, although he had girlfriends in the past. during the fridays when we didn’t have any afternoon classes, he would invite me to hang out at his apartment. one time we watched the whole “Angels in America” (an HBO series) on dvd. i wasn’t familiar with it, but eventually found out it was a gay-themed mini series. this friend of mine also had an apartment mate who, just a few years ago, came out of the closet.

i also had a room mate who i had no idea was gay. i eventually found out he was one when i walked in on him with another guy in our room (that’s another story). well, we had a talk about it. i evetually told him that i had no problem with him being gay, just as long as he gave me a heads up if he was having somebody around. anyway, i guess he got more comfortable with our living situation, he even invites me to watch episodes of “Queer as Folk” and the movie “Shortbus” on his laptop with him.

my questions are, in these two situations were my friend and room mate trying to:
1. find out if i was gay too?
2. win me over to the other side?
3. make a pass at me?

or am i just paranoid?

thanks, Ayedee Ace

Hi Ayedee Ace,

Thank you for sharing. You asked me, “am I paranoid?”

I don’t know. I can answer you better if you tell me more about yourself.

By the way, are you gay? Or have some doubts that maybe there is a
possibility you are?

Migs

hi migs,

first, let me just say that i think i just gave away my identity by emailing you with my actual email account. now you can just google my name and know how i look. how careless. but any way, let’s just keep my identity between the two of us.

about me – 26, physician by profession but currently teaching in a university, middle child, 3 brothers, over-achiever (dati)

anyway, the short answer is “it’s complicated”

when i was younger, i could definitely say straight – as in breasts, vaginas, the works.

but when i reached adolescence, that’s when things got a bit … different.

you see, i was abused by an uncle when i was around 4 or 5. he was around 13 or 14 at that time. the thing was, i didn’t know that that was an inappropriate thing to do to me until i was like 11 or 12 and read about stuff like that. all the while, i thought it was nothing, although i sort of had the understanding that it wasn’t a “normal” experience. and part of me felt guilty because at that age, i actually enjoyed it. even to this day, i can still remember the sensations, even the odors, of how things went the days i was actually abused. and somehow, the memories “excited” me. it was always at the back of my mind.

i think that was when things got complicated and i started imagining doing it with the same sex. i actually had an experience with a male cousin. i won’t go into any details, but let’s just say he was the initiator. but right now he’s already married. we actually sort of had a small talk about it and he just said “mga bata pa tayo nun. di natin alam ginagawa natin.”

anyway, currently, i think i’m bi (or maybe i’m just in denial) but i want to go back to being straight again (as if there is a magic pill that can actually do that).

well, i hope this bit of info will be enough.

thanks again, Ayedee Ace

Dear Dr. Ayedee Ace,

Your first letter struck me, because while you were asking questions about the meaning of your friends’ actions, I knew in my gut you had something else in mind. Well, as you yourself revealed in your second letter, indeed there was something else. That you are bisexual, perhaps “gay but in denial,” and is wanting to become straight if at all possible.

This is what I want to tell you: self-awareness is key. It is not about labeling — bi? gay? straight? confused? For now, I tell you, it does not matter. What matters is being more and more aware of your real self. What do you want? What does your inner self tell you?

You generously shared the story about your abusive past. I congratulate you for being honest and up front about it. It is the past, and you cannot go back to change anything. It is the past, yet it gives you some way to understand how you are right now. The challenge though is realizing the following: your past is not you. Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself, but you have a choice, you have the power of volition, and therefore can choose how your past would influence your present, and your future. You can choose to let your past be a prison cell, you can choose to let it be your scapegoat, you can choose to let it be your cloud of haze, or you can choose it to be just a story of how it was before, but not the continuing plot of your present and future story.

You are, as that poem/song says, “the captain of your ship.” And I repeat my invitation to be more self-aware. I believe awareness is self-correcting. In your journey, as you become more aware of where you are, and the direction your ship is sailing, you also become a more powerful captain, able to adjust your rudder, even bit by bit, and steer your ship to that place where you can be the best you can be.

Aye, aye, captain Ayedee! Your truth will guide you.

World Peace! – Migs

Cute Boi with a cute smile, that’s Andre Endique. Photos courtesy of Vic Fabe. Enjoy!