15
Girly Gay Feels Like An Outcast
Entry Feed TrackbackA lot of letters featured here are from MGG readers who are closeted, or from those who have yet to come to terms with their sexuality. Here’s a letter from someone at the other side of the spectrum, a “girly gay,” who people might expect has all the right to be fabulous, loud, and gay. On the contrary, he feels like an outcast in his own gay community: “Galit ata mga sisters sa kin eh.” Read and share your thoughts with our letter sender who calls himself “Gaysha.”
Hi Migs,
I’m a real fan of your blog because I have read a lot of stories about MPs, pursuing straight men, and being discreet. But nothing like my story. I was hoping to find some insights on your blog or maybe on the internet, to no avail.
Let me tell you about myself. Well, I act like a woman, talk like a woman, and I look like a woman. But I don’t crossdress. I have a long hair because if I cut my hair short, magmumukha akong Tibo. I am pure chinese but people always think that I’m Japanese or Korean. If I wear my Kimono, I would definitely look like a geisha, hence, my alias. ^_^
Weird? I don’t know. People would call me Ma’am whenever I’m out in the public and men would stare at me whenever I’m in men’s restroom. Usually men would look at the signage and then would look at me before proceeding to the restroom, confused. There was also one time when a man tapped my shoulders while I was washing my hands and told me, “Miss, panlalaki lang po ito.” I blushed, smiled, then went on my way. When I went to Hong Kong, the lady in the counter at the airport asked me about my male companion because it says in our ticket that there was a male companion. I told her that it was me, she stared at me from head to toe then said, “Oh”
Whenever I go to bars, straight men would ask me to the dance floor and some would even kiss my hand instead of shaking them when introducing themselves, some would even buy me drinks. I decline most of the time. Nahihiya kasi ako. Straight men usually treats me like a girl and I can always get away with things that I like with these men.
My problem? I’m still a virgin and I am very very very shy when it comes to these things. I never had any relationships. I’m 27 now and am worried that I’ll soon become very very old to keep up with the trends. I am so “Maria Clara” that I even hate myself for that. I just don’t have the courage to do it. My sister even told me to just hire a guy and she is willing to pay for it just so I can have an experience haha!
I’ve tried chatting but most gays today would prefer straight acting. And I think I’m caught in between. I don’t act like most gay men that I know, whether Bi, straight acting, or a flamer. *sighs*
I do not go to “gay” bars anymore because walang pumapansin sa kin. Galit ata mga sisters sa kin eh hehehehe. So I usually go to “straight” bars…. tama ba?
It’s really so hard to be in this situation. I just don’t know what to do…maybe some of your readers can help?
Thanks a lot,
Gaysha
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Gaysha, try to psychoanalyze yourself first. Know what exactly it is that you want and go for it. Be determined about it. Yes, you will grow old not keeping up with what you said as “trends” if you yourself won’t dare experience what your body wants to that your being shy is inhibiting you on the contrary. It’s all in a state of mind.
From what I picture of you in your story, you can get as many boyfriends as you want, let alone experiences. Except that you haven’t mustered all the courage yet to dare to try.
There are many more gays in this country that may look uglier than you are, and yet they sometimes get what they want. How much more for a gay who always is mistaken for being a girl, and thus treated like a real girl.
Come out of your shell. Let your inner glittering soul spark into the day amidst the sun, and into the night amidst the city lights.
You can do it!
Echoserita.com at Jun 16, 09 at 12:59 am
Gaysha, I don’t see any problems at all. You are just fine. Enjoy life and don’t be bothered with what people would say. You don’t have to hate yourself for being who you are.
Leo at Jun 16, 09 at 1:03 am
Gaysha
Unfortunately, times has changed. Period.
Noon kasi the more effeminate the better. Straight men prefer real women, also, the girls are like making habol to all the straight guys na kasi paubos na sila, naunahan na ng mga bi, haha.
Just like Rustom Padilla’s case, bebe gandanghari? My god, nagkamali sya, i mean, pwede naman syang magpakabakla pero kung effeminate pa eh that’s too much, si Rustom, pasimula palang, ikaw, nasa gitna ka na, inbetween two roads, if you will take the effem side or hide away in a straight man’s persona. Yung mga bi nakapag convert na to straight acting, pero kita ko parin ang kanilang pinanggalingan, for some, using my Radar.
Sa ngayon kasi maraming Bi ang prefer yung straight acting kasi mas tinitigasan sila dun, eh bakla nga kasi sila eh, kung papartner sila sa effem, or girl-like, hindi sila titigasan sa ma-girl, or malambot, gets?
So sa ngayon i suggest, do what’s happy for you, because mahirap mag straight acting agad agaran sa klase ng kalagayan mo, so mahihirapan ka, but it’s possible, wag lahat posible, so matagalang process yan, it’s never too late to do the right thing, and that’s to follow what makes you happy, hope i helped!
Ciao!
Charles at Jun 16, 09 at 6:04 am
I itched to give you a reply the moment I read your letter. Finally I found something I can relate to, something I seriously, personally want to comment on.
I’d like to give you a background of myself. I used to consider myself “gay”, when I learned later on that being an MTF (male-to-female) transgender doesn’t need me to “crossdress” (emphasis on the quotes) 24/7, or know how to wear make-up, or even undergo “sex-change” operation. In all aspects, I feel like a woman and that’s all that matters. Sadly though, the concept of transgenderism is still highly misunderstood even within the LGBT community. That’s why most of the “becky” or the “pa-girl” are still dragged wrongly into the “gay community”, and they themselves don’t even realize that. It’s the fault of the word “bakla”, whose common use doesn’t distinguish between sexual orientation (i.e. which gender one is sexually attracted to) and gender identity (i.e. the sense of one’s maleness or femaleness).
My identity as transgendered however still doesn’t change the fact that I’m different from the rest of the queer community. By queer, I mean the LGBT community as a whole. It’s already one thing that I’m considered a “deviant” from mainstream society, but it hurts when I encounter this even within the community I’m supposed to belong to. In the Philippines, if you’re queer and you want a relationship (or at least hook-up for sex), you either have to be 1) in the closet, 2) a “discrete straight-acting alpha male a.k.a. ‘bi’”, or 3) a “screaming faggot balahura”. There’s no room for those like me who looks like a “screaming faggot balahura” but can’t even put on a blush-on.
I think you’re lucky in that you seem to have a very loving family (through your sister). I live FAR, FAR away from my family, and I’d rather have that than reveal my true identity to them and risk to have my head chopped off (I’m from a pure conservative Muslim family, by the way). Which brings down to the fact that in every sense of the word, I live ALONE. Sure I got friends, but they got a life of their own too. Given that, longing for “someone” has become more than a teeny-bopper wish for me. I THIRST for someone.
And I’m only 22.
Despite that, I know in the end why I’ll live single for the rest of my life. I’m practically anti-social. I’m very cautious of the friends I choose and being nice to me don’t guarantee I can be your friend. Common sense, with my kind of attitude how could I open up to that person whom I can be with for the rest of my life? Love never falls from the sky. We have to bring our whole selves to it.
I think my point is just an elaboration to what one person already replied here, about psychoanalyzing yourself. First, identify yourself. Identify who you are, and what really makes you happy. And ask yourself why you want something. Is it because you really want it, or is it because other people does it. Most of all, LOVE YOURSELF. I hope it can give you a clearer perspective of things.
Love you sis! :*
the wilted prune at Jun 16, 09 at 6:06 am
.Ang saya saya nga nun di vahh??…napagkamalan kang babae,,hahayyy kailan kaya yan mangyayari sa akin.. anyways hindi ko naman like yung ganun, gusto ko “i am what i am”…buti nga sayo dahil kahit anong gawin mo, mapagkakamalan ka paring babae…go for it gurl…enjoy life….mwahhh
mellicious at Jun 16, 09 at 6:19 am
maybe you can Charity Bono now Chaz Bono can enlighten you.
Meron akong kilala lalaki naman pero mukhang tomboy hehe.
harrypotter at Jun 16, 09 at 8:59 am
i would recommend moving to another country. most gays in this country are very homophobic when it comes to effems. it is not surprising though, most are in the closet, pretending they are straight. gay unity and culture are quite pathetic in this country. the dishonesty is quite disturbing.
erne at Jun 16, 09 at 9:00 am
hi gaysha. alam mo, you don’t have to change a thing. if it makes you happy, go lang ng go. the right person will come, don’t worry. if you surround yourself with happy people you’ll realise your ‘need’ is not really a ‘priority’.
mel beckham at Jun 16, 09 at 11:06 am
I think you already knew what you have to do. it’s just that, you can’t seem to do it for some reason. i know you have figured it out. That’s always the irony. We know what makes us happy, but we can’t “materialize” it for some reason. Just be yourself. Surely happiness will come your way.
Bi-promdi at Jun 16, 09 at 12:17 pm
you’re so confused Mare, well 1st of all, know ur PREFERENCE…if pa gurl ka eh di y not show it! otherwise if u still think like you have a man’s body eh di try to be prim & proper…Heller, pano ka d mapagkakamalang gurlaloo eh ang haba ng hair mo!
-virgin ka pa @ 27?? it’s ok… coz Bliv it or not, me too & I’m 22
i think we’re both the same on some things: like ur not a crossdresser, that’s gud! pa gurl din ako,Infact i sounded like a gurl over the phone. one instance pa nga nag ring ung fon ko sa mens restroom at nung cngot ko ung fon..and then wag ka nagulat ung guy na pumasok…kala nya mali ung napasok nya.LOL///not only that,take note I never had a bf…maybe because ma keme ako or choosy lang din…but it doesnt mean that I’m pakipot like u.
so there, shinare ko lang naman.IMO, again u just simply have to know what u want & it will make’s u happy!! i agree w/ mel beckham.
w8>>>So I usually go to “straight” bars…. tama ba?
-I beg you pardon???what this…rotflol.
xzena at Jun 16, 09 at 1:58 pm
ang mga “straight-acting” gays, di galit sa pa-girl. di ka lang nila type. kaya nga sila bading, kasi gusto nila lalake.
in the same way na may pagka-specialized ang klase mong bading, may pagka-specialized din ang klase ng bading na naghahanap ng ganyan. sa napansin ko, maraming foreigners na ganyan ang gusto. marami ding lalaking may asawa na, kung papatol man sa lalake, sa tipo mo lang gagawin.
better yet, humanap ka ng mga gaya mo ang gusto at hilig. feeling ko maramami kayo. exchange notes and tips. and good luck, kapatid!
marco jordan at Jun 16, 09 at 3:17 pm
For me, tama yung sinabi ni Marco Jordan, hindi galit ang mga bading sayo talagang hindi ka lang nila type. Actually that was based on my observation din, dahil kung di mo natatanong parehas ang ating situation, I am not discreet but not so loud either. I wore clothes that guys usually wears, sometimes may pagka-fashionista rin ako but not all times like others do…but my physical appearance definitely mahinhing dalaga ring masasabi. Mahaba ang hair, balingkinitan din but not crossdresser, may lahi rin akung chinese…may friends says nga kung magpapakalalaki nga daw aku kamukha ko daw ang isa sa mga F4, hahaha!!!. Im still virgin din at this age, marami nang nagtangka at almost napasubo rin ako sa mga sitwasyong “ayan na!”, pero sa huli umaatras din ang lola mo at iniisip na may darating ding isang lalakeng nararapat at syang dapat pagbigyan ng birheng katawan na ito. I also had experiences sa public na napapagkamalan akong girl…name it; sa cr, sa tollgate, sa bank, sa gasoline station, sa mga food chains, mga shops (akala pa nga ng mga sales lady ay namimili ako para sa bf ko pero sa totoo lang para sa akin ang mga yun!) and would you believe even on phone, tawag ng mga nakakausap sa kin ay Ma’am! at hindi pa yun all my documents like quotations na naka-address sa kin from the suppliers lahat ay Ms. ang nakalagay hindi Mr. Pinapabayaan ko nalang dahil mahabang diskusyunan pa itetch! Buti ka pa nga kahit panu may nag-iinterest na mga straight sayo, sa kin nga eh kausap ko sa phone akala girl na girl at superganda, akalain mo nung na-meet ako parang nanlamig at na-dissappoint ata, but actually it’s not a meet up something anyway it is an official business naman na siguro he is hoping nga na baka pwede nyang ligawan yung ka-meeting nya after the business na usually nakakausap lang nya sa phone. Enough about me, nashare ko lang din yung mga experiences ko kasi talagang parehas kami ng sitwasyon and akala ko nag-iisa lang ako at sa age kong ito napag-iiwanan na rin ako. Well masasabi ko lang just believe in yourself like I do now, wala rin naman akong ma-aadvice sayo na worth effective dahil kung meron man eh ginawa ko na rin diba…so yun just believe lang muna na meron tayong kalalagyan dito sa lipunang ito na makakatulong din at may benefit rin sa nakararami. Hope it helps! Chow…
lon at Jun 16, 09 at 6:24 pm
I’m 20 and I am yet to “classify” myself. But one thing’s for sure, I am happy. Sana ikaw din.
bluelightninglad at Jun 16, 09 at 9:37 pm
What made you say na galit ang mga ibang sisters natin sayo? Baka nagseselos lang sila kasi hindi ka napapagkalamang bading kundi isang babae. Alam mo sis ganyan din problema ko hanggang ngayon virgin pa rin ako at wala pa rin ako naging ka-relasyon but I’m hoping that someday magkakaroon din ako. Don’t lose hope. Just be yourself and enjoy life… Good Luck!!!
Mariah at Jun 16, 09 at 9:45 pm
hi gaysha! i think i might be overstepping here, one because some people here might not agre with what i have to say and two, i think i don’t belong to the market this blog caters to, however, i can relate most of the time.
before anything else, i applaud the wilted prune for affirming her gender identity, that she is female despite not wanting to ‘crossdress’ or put on make up. god, i hate the term ‘crossdress’. anyways, my question to you would be like some here, how do you identify yourself as? are you male or female? if you believe you are female, despite being born in a male body, you are transgendered, like myself and the wilted prune. if, you consider yourself as male and has no desire to express yourself as a woman, then just be true to yourself. if you are confused with your gender identity, try to research. if you feel you are transgendered, this is for the wilted prune as well, there is a support group for girls like us. please feel free to answer this reply of mine, i usually read this blog.
and for charles, sorry to say this, but for bb gandanghari’s case, she is transgendered as well. she is not a homosexual male, so her choice to express herself, as you call it, effeminate, is so that her body will be in tune with her psychological identity. i don’t mean to belittle you.
if i offend any persons here, i apologize.
tg-girl at Jun 16, 09 at 10:54 pm
hay, magising ka sa katotohanan, walang mawawala o madagdag sa pagkatao mo kahit umarte ka ng ganyan. masakit man isipin pero thats the truth…
sam at Jun 16, 09 at 11:12 pm
i agree. thats really cool
Nicholas at Jun 17, 09 at 2:16 am
Go here in Canada str8 men love trannies.. wag ka ng umasa sa kapwa bading mas ok ang straight kapag mukha kang murachiva
rommel at Jun 17, 09 at 7:42 am
For me mare ul jst be true to urcelf,express wat u rily fil and who kn0ws nsa tbi m lang ang bAbASAg sa pgkbirhen m….hehehehe…jst kiDding asidE,FOr me lang a lot of gays,gayguy or anythng gay reFrence wanteD 2 be in ur shoes,they want to fil being a lady and treatd as a lady,pero kw ur stil c0nfusing in urcelf, bAding ka mare in dats the rily faCT u hav to aCcEPt in urcelf.kc u d0esnt fEeL COnfuseD KNg d ka bAding,..kya grl c0meouT On your shelL,ENJoy what god gving u..a W0meN like faCE…MDming ngpapakagastos n bAding para lng mging bAbAE besidES huwag m munang isipin virgInity m…hnd naman mwawala yan kht subukan m..remember wla kang matris,hahahaha…jst enj0y lifE,OK d0nt b0thering urcelf..ang ganda m0,ineng.:-)
Dyosa at Jun 17, 09 at 8:48 am
hi geisha!
first of all don’t consider yourself an outcast. i dare say you are not. you’ll only be an outcast if you think yourself as one.
your letter aired some reality among the gay community. quite right. seems like times have really changed but from what you’ve also pointed out you have your own spot in other areas. why not master the art of flirting or being gay in that arena?
with the way your letter was composed & how you brought your situation into light i can feel that you are a nice person. well-respected & admired.
don’t be in a hurry. the right time will come for you. just enjoy everything you have now because you might just miss it once you get your wishes come true.
enjoy life. don’t be afraid to be different.
sijiro_05 at Jun 17, 09 at 8:15 pm
hi…
i sometimes feel the same way you do. although im sure i dont look like a girl.. but i dont think i look butch either… hirap gumimik… if i go to gay bars… i dont meet anyone coz i think i dont look butch enough…and i get bored naman sa straight bars… hence im 31 and still single… i just hope some day to meet that one person who would want me just teh way i am… just do teh same… who knows…
instinxxx at Jun 18, 09 at 12:11 pm
i agree on sijiro_05. gay nowadays, tend to be straight-acting just to be in a relationship. I also think that you should practice flirting with straight men. I think other gays would be so jealous if they found out that you were really gay and you have a straight guy flirting with you. HAba ng hair mo nun for sure!!. and lastly, I also have a friend who by the way is sooo pretty for a girl but he cross dresses yet he gets to be in a straight relationship.
2NE1 at Jun 18, 09 at 11:55 pm
I like what u’ve said, sijiro_05:don’t be afraid to be different…it means that we have our own distinction among others!!!”,)
xzena at Jun 19, 09 at 1:48 pm
nakakalungkot isipin na even within the lgbtq community, sa pilipinas or elsewhere, mayroong ganitong discrimination. ang una kong advice ay pag-isipan at damhin mo kung ano talaga ang identity mo, as a lot of other people have already said. and then, and i think this is very important, find friends who accept you as you are, unconditionally. kung meron ka nang ganitong mga kaibigan, stick with them, they will be your friends and your support group for life. as for the ONE, hintayin mo lang. mahirap at nakakaloka maghanap, pero ang lagi kong argument ay: there are roughly 3.5 billion men in the world – and you need just one! peace and strength to you, sweet one. [btw, there are some idiotic comments here, i hope you can weed them out.]
the_man at Jun 21, 09 at 2:50 am
from the tunay na veyklas: ows. nakakalokah itich. well, gaysha, i also have a friend who is (was, kse di na sya virgin now, hehe) like that. but your first sex experience, i think, would really depend on the type of guy you want to have sex with…whether it would be someone who you want to treat you like a girl in bed with all the butterfly kisses and be your darling bufra afterwards, romance eklavus and all, or whether it would be someone straight and yummy enough to have a safe hot sex with and forget about the next day. There are a lot of the first type of men I’ve mentioned, among, well, security guards, and I think they’d really love to have you as a girlfriend or even jowa in the long run. Just my two cents on it.
love, tunay na veyklas!
Anufi Veykla at Jun 21, 09 at 6:36 pm
ayy naku tehh pareho tayo ng situation!!
pero ang magkaiba natin ndi ko pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa mga bi or acting straight kasi sila may sarili silang mundo
its better na sa mga stright guys mu na lang pagtuunan yang isip muh at kung gusto mu nman ng mga friends maraming gay jan o shemale na kagaya muh sila ang mundo muh!!
bebot at Jul 1, 09 at 5:37 pm