Manila Gay Guy
  • facebook

When I was little, I memorized and repeatedly recited this little poem: “Mother, mother, I am sick. Call the doctor very quick! Doctor, doctor, shall I die? No, my darling, do not cry.” This same poem came back to mind as I received the following email from Dr. Ayedee Ace (not his real name). I include below our correspondence. Interesting. Read on, and share your thoughts.

doctordrareyoubi

* * *

hi migs,

i just want to ask your opinion regarding two experiences that i had. i won’t bother you with the details though.

i had a friend in college and who was also an org mate where we usually have meetings on friday afternoons after classes. this friend of mine was rumored to be gay, although he had girlfriends in the past. during the fridays when we didn’t have any afternoon classes, he would invite me to hang out at his apartment. one time we watched the whole “Angels in America” (an HBO series) on dvd. i wasn’t familiar with it, but eventually found out it was a gay-themed mini series. this friend of mine also had an apartment mate who, just a few years ago, came out of the closet.

i also had a room mate who i had no idea was gay. i eventually found out he was one when i walked in on him with another guy in our room (that’s another story). well, we had a talk about it. i evetually told him that i had no problem with him being gay, just as long as he gave me a heads up if he was having somebody around. anyway, i guess he got more comfortable with our living situation, he even invites me to watch episodes of “Queer as Folk” and the movie “Shortbus” on his laptop with him.

my questions are, in these two situations were my friend and room mate trying to:
1. find out if i was gay too?
2. win me over to the other side?
3. make a pass at me?

or am i just paranoid?

thanks, Ayedee Ace

* * *

Hi Ayedee Ace,

Thank you for sharing. You asked me, “am I paranoid?”

I don’t know. I can answer you better if you tell me more about yourself.

By the way, are you gay? Or have some doubts that maybe there is a
possibility you are?

Migs

* * *

hi migs,

first, let me just say that i think i just gave away my identity by emailing you with my actual email account. now you can just google my name and know how i look. how careless. but any way, let’s just keep my identity between the two of us.

about me – 26, physician by profession but currently teaching in a university, middle child, 3 brothers, over-achiever (dati)

anyway, the short answer is “it’s complicated”

when i was younger, i could definitely say straight – as in breasts, vaginas, the works.

but when i reached adolescence, that’s when things got a bit … different.

you see, i was abused by an uncle when i was around 4 or 5. he was around 13 or 14 at that time. the thing was, i didn’t know that that was an inappropriate thing to do to me until i was like 11 or 12 and read about stuff like that. all the while, i thought it was nothing, although i sort of had the understanding that it wasn’t a “normal” experience. and part of me felt guilty because at that age, i actually enjoyed it. even to this day, i can still remember the sensations, even the odors, of how things went the days i was actually abused. and somehow, the memories “excited” me. it was always at the back of my mind.

i think that was when things got complicated and i started imagining doing it with the same sex. i actually had an experience with a male cousin. i won’t go into any details, but let’s just say he was the initiator. but right now he’s already married. we actually sort of had a small talk about it and he just said “mga bata pa tayo nun. di natin alam ginagawa natin.”

anyway, currently, i think i’m bi (or maybe i’m just in denial) but i want to go back to being straight again (as if there is a magic pill that can actually do that).

well, i hope this bit of info will be enough.

thanks again, Ayedee Ace

* * *

Dear Dr. Ayedee Ace,

Your first letter struck me, because while you were asking questions about the meaning of your friends’ actions, I knew in my gut you had something else in mind. Well, as you yourself revealed in your second letter, indeed there was something else. That you are bisexual, perhaps “gay but in denial,” and is wanting to become straight if at all possible.

This is what I want to tell you: self-awareness is key. It is not about labeling — bi? gay? straight? confused? For now, I tell you, it does not matter. What matters is being more and more aware of your real self. What do you want? What does your inner self tell you?

You generously shared the story about your abusive past. I congratulate you for being honest and up front about it. It is the past, and you cannot go back to change anything. It is the past, yet it gives you some way to understand how you are right now. The challenge though is realizing the following: your past is not you. Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself, but you have a choice, you have the power of volition, and therefore can choose how your past would influence your present, and your future. You can choose to let your past be a prison cell, you can choose to let it be your scapegoat, you can choose to let it be your cloud of haze, or you can choose it to be just a story of how it was before, but not the continuing plot of your present and future story.

You are, as that poem/song says, “the captain of your ship.” And I repeat my invitation to be more self-aware. I believe awareness is self-correcting. In your journey, as you become more aware of where you are, and the direction your ship is sailing, you also become a more powerful captain, able to adjust your rudder, even bit by bit, and steer your ship to that place where you can be the best you can be.

Aye, aye, captain Ayedee! Your truth will guide you.

World Peace! – Migs

Comments (34)

  1. priere said on 07-02-2011

    Going back to my childhood,as far i remembered when i was 8 years old i started to like or attracted to same sex.i don’t know why?but i also remembered at the age of 10 i like girls… as in gusto ko sya until i was 12..pero alam ko sa sarili ko na, andun pa din ung pag hanga ko sa same sex..d ako na abuse or whatever,i just felt it that i attracted to same and less for women…in my deep research about the origin of bisexual..one possibilities is INBORN.cgro dun ako napasama…which is incurable because it is in genes.cgro ang pinaka mabisa na gamot is PRAYER.

  2. clemence said on 15-01-2011

    Hi there too late!

    I had the same experience when i was in grade 2. i was molested by a distant uncle. i think that plays crucial role in my seemingly confused preference now. pls help?

    • priere said on 07-02-2011

      @clemence…let me ask you?a simple question..what do you like you most as of this moment?what your feelings tells you?what makes you happy?try to examine your feelings and emotions.then the answer is there…if you are confused because of your past experience then environmental factor involved.it might be change if you are willing to.

  3. geek-o said on 13-07-2010

    i think your sexuality has goit nothing to do with your essence as person. the thing that bothers us all is the societal acceptance, I think. I mean, I myself has been in closet for quite sometime since I realized I am not a straight guy. Although it is not really hard faking it because I too can be attracted to women and have relationships with them (currently, I have a GF). Anyway, the thing is those in the closet are not really afraid of what might be told about them, it is the reaction of those they love who would matter and how those they love would bear the pain of ridicule by the narrow-minded portion of our society. That’s why it is really hard to come out.

    but to hell with them, right? Echos, takot pa rin ako for my family and I guess ganun lang tlga pag may pinoprotektahan kang pamilya.

    So Doc ( I remember somebody special, used to call him Doc too) kaya mo yan… live a life that you truly deserve. being gay would not be a hindrance.

    God bless!

  4. philip said on 09-11-2009

    this has gotten a long way ah. Questions about sexuality then suggestions for self-realization then turning into suggestions of change. hhmmmm. i would like to say that everyone has their opinion but please be sensitive to what others would think. saying that homosexuality can be ‘cured’ is indeed like saying that it is a disease. i dunno if james is a hater but uh… you could have just stated that to those who want change you could go this place but to give statements like that is just wrong. NOTHING’S WRONG WITH CHANGE, BUT TO IMPOSE THAT CHANGE HAS TO BEEN DONE IS JUST WRONG. THE CHANGE MUST START FROM WITHIN, MAKE THE DECISION FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON TO DOING THE STEPS. REALIZE, DECIDE, THEN ACT.

  5. mikik said on 09-11-2009

    GUsto ko mag comment dito, even if late na…
    same things happen to me, when i was 5 or 7 yrs old…
    ang ngyari, i was also abused by my uncle.well mhabang story, di ko n ididitalye. so ngayon, andito ako mnila nkikipag sapalaran, s edad na 19. actually bi ako, straigt acting, pero alam ng lhat n ganto ako… and i would rather say na, lahat ng ngyari noon, gnwa akong gnito…ncra buhay ko… hanggang s nkikilala ko ang isang guy, na tumutulong skin.. at nging partner ko s buhay… well actually, my syota na sya and 4 years n silang live in… tinatago lng ako… hahaha…

  6. BENAR CUEVAS said on 15-10-2009

    to james

    you think homosexuality is a sickness ,who told you,you got to be insane…show as your references…book,studies in accordance of it and ect…

    i beg to disagre with false opinion…

  7. BENAR CUEVAS said on 15-10-2009

    my own formulae of sexuality

    f+f=x
    m+m=x
    f+m=m,f,tb,g
    m+f=f,m,g,tb

  8. men said on 27-09-2009

    To James,
    Homosexuality can be cured? In that case are you saying that homosexuality is a sickness? I am quite bothered by your statements… What are your basis for these?

  9. Courage Philippines said on 27-08-2009

    Hi James!

    Thanks for posting the info about. I just want to make some corrections.

    Courage Philippines is now headed by Rolando delos Reyes under the spiritual guidance of Father Daniel Healy. If you want to find out more about CP, go to their local blog by clicking the link above or googling Courage Philippines.

    God bless.

  10. james said on 17-07-2009

    Pushing everyone to accept that there’s nothing that can be done creates depression.

    There are those who are not comfortable with their homosexual tendencies, who wish to be free, and wants to have a “straight relationship” – kaya nga may tinatawag na “heterosexuals with an issue” or in lay man’s term, “closet homosexuals” (though the term is not correct)…

    Homosexuality remains to be a pathologic state of mind…even the pioneers of pyschiatry and psychology believes that homosexuality occurred because of a break in son-father relationship.

    The reason why most psychiatric societies removed homosexuality from lists of mental illness is because of the virulent and agressiveness of many gay rights movements. DSM is a product of a much politicized medical consensus.

    Homosexuality can be cured.

  11. Jasper Cortez said on 01-07-2009

    just admit it. you are either bi or gay. pretending to be straight will just twist your psyche.

  12. james said on 30-06-2009

    There are also other groups here in the Philippines such as:

    1. Bagong Pag-asa
    Director: Rene Gomez; Telephones: 001-632-807-6576, Fax: 001-632-842-5028; Mailing Address: PO Box 9139, MCS Mailing Center, 1200 Makati, Metro Manila, Philippines; Main Address: #7 Mindanao Drive, 1780 Ayala Alabang Village, Muntinlupa City, Philippines E-Mail: bpagasa@i-manila.com.ph

    2. Pathway (previously called Bread of Life)
    Alice Villa-Real; 011-632-1278-26161 (V/M, FAX, Numeric), 011-632-(0918) 802-1541 (car), 011-632-1277-26161 (pager); PO Box 1875, Quezon City CPO, 1158 Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines.

    3. Set Free
    E-Mail: setfree@skyinet.net(old info?)

    4. Courage – Phillipines
    Metro Manila Area; contact Joe G., Phone 0917-892-2257 or 0919-395-7168 or page 634-3333, ID #890-065
    Deacon Dan Healy, Phone (02) 872-2021,
    E-Mail1: courage_ph@edsamail.com.ph
    E-Mail2: anawimph@philonline.com
    Write to Anawim Community, 5 Vida Doria Street, B.F. Resort Village, Las Pinas City, Metro Manila, Philippines

    I’m not too sure kasi with CEFAM, depende kasi sa therapist…

    All of these therapies are confidential…

  13. james said on 30-06-2009

    If you wish to avail of that help…CEFAM (or Center for Family Ministries) of Ateneo University has that kind of program…tel nos of CEFAM is 426-4289.

  14. james said on 30-06-2009

    There is a program called NARTH…it’s for homosexuals who are not comfortable with their homosexual orientation and wanted to revert back to being straight. The program is effective but the therapy is long…and some actually fail because of poor support-system (e.g. family, friends)

  15. Kiko said on 21-06-2009

    i like this thought: “that its not about labels. What matters is being more and more aware of our real self. What do we want? What does our inner self tell us?” Mabuhay ka MIGS!!

  16. Joel said on 21-06-2009

    Doc, we have the same experience. I also had been abused at an early age–between 5-7 years old–and kept it to myself. The strange respose was that I enjoyed it, but the loathing and self-guilt came much after during my adolescent years when I “knew better” based on social norms about sexuality. I was in my 20s like you when I had girlfries, but was also drawn to the other sexuality (no derision there). That I was “different” took quite a while before I realized I was “unique”. And yes, I did rebel personally against labels of “bi”, homo and other straitjacketed concepts. I was my own person continuously evolving. I am now in my 30s and have had two mature relations with a guy. I have learned to accept who I was, without the labels. I have learned to be dispassionate about social norms. I have learned to be tolerant of others and liberal about my views—only because the seed of self awareness should also breed the fruits of love, forgiveness and understanding. Big words there, but it begins with one’s self without imposing unto others. There you will find where to begin. All the best to you.

  17. 'J' said on 21-06-2009

    Ace, you remind me of someone. same story. not sure though if he’s a physician but he teaches too. hmmm…i think i know you LOL!

  18. mario said on 21-06-2009

    hi ace,

    i am not really sure if the “abuse” in the past made u bi at present….do u really consider it abuse? kc kamo nag enjoy ka eh…just curious…or is it something experimental? am also a doctor …hindi ko lang kc makuha ang link…but be yourself…u have so much curiosities…just be careful.

  19. dave_davao said on 20-06-2009

    “Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself”

    huh??hmm kasi wen i was young, n molestya ako nang kapitbahay namin..and i think un ung dhilan kung bakit naging bi or gay ako..prang my past lead me kung anu ako ngaun..un ung dhilan kung bakit ako nagkakagnito..

  20. ram said on 20-06-2009

    Doc,

    never underestimate the gist and lessons of the scars.

    they have thepower to remind us that the past was real.

    a gay’s past wounds might heal but it leaves scars, eventually- a testament that we may forgive those who took advantage of our tender years but one thing: we never forget.

    i pray for your enlightenment amidst your confusion.

    ergo, just strive to be happy, in any case (Desiderata).

  21. maccallister said on 20-06-2009

    tama si migs,alamin nya muna kung gusto ba niya itong nararamdaman niya or hindi at kung san niya feeling siya magiging masaya.I say magpakatotoo lang si doc and everything will go on its place,being gay is not that bad at all nasa tao yan pano niya handle ang pagiging gay niya.

    and maybe those friends na sinabi niya sa unang letter e nakakatunog na nga and thinking of “initiating” him LOL!

  22. mellicious said on 20-06-2009

    Ipagsa DIYOS mo na lang ang lahat…

  23. Nick said on 19-06-2009

    Just do what comes naturally and be comfortable with it. Labels shouldn’t matter.

  24. marco jordan said on 19-06-2009

    Doc,

    i totally agree with migs. be self-aware. but i would like to add this: be true to yourself. it’s one thing to be aware but another to accept whatever it is you learn about yourself. accept it. embrace it. live it. and if it turns you that you are gay, be very very thankful. i truly believe gay men have a much happier outlook in life than straight men.

  25. xzena said on 19-06-2009

    @ Dr. ayedee
    1. find out if i was gay too?
    yes
    2. win me over to the other side?
    Apparently, yes
    3. make a pass at me?
    not sure??

  26. malou said on 19-06-2009

    hi naligaw lang ako sa site at may mga featured male celebs kayo mahilig kasi ako sa artista lalo na sa mga gwapo kasi bading ako nakita ko sa google un geoff taylor manila gay guy kaya ako nakapasok sa site akala ko may mga updates din kayo ng GMA ARE YOU THE NEXT BIG STAR every saturday 7pm hosted by regine velasquez and keempe pwede niyo po ba pagtuunan din ng pansin un kontes kasi daming gwapong kasali kung may file kayo ni ALEX CASTRO, PJ GONZALES, GREGGY SANTOS and more pictures of my fave GEOFF TAYLOR kasi un file niyo parang iba sa itsura niya ngayon sa tv… Please watch and see them include BOBBY SOLOMON dami talagang gwapo promise at sana may iba pa kayong pics ni geoff taylor.. thanks in advance

    marlou

  27. erne said on 19-06-2009

    it is unfortunate that all your early sexual arousals were with males. no wonder you are confused. your early sexual experiences are confusing you and what you really desire which is to be straight. what do you really fantasize now, being with a man or a woman? are you attracted sexualy to angelina or brad? you should start dating women and see how that fits you. you shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying “it” with your uncle at a very young age. even babies get aroused when stimulated that way. at 4 or 5 you had no idea what sex was but when you started to be aware of sex, that expereince was your first association about sex and sexuality. none of your early experiences can make you gay. it may create confusion in you. you can sort it out yourself or with the help of a professional. for now start dating women and see how that goes. you did say that you considered yourself straight before these introspections.

  28. Leo said on 19-06-2009

    just my two bob’s worth: i’m not a psychologist, but it does not take one to realize that are choices in life reflects and sculpts our being. our choices are derived from experiences. if you felt good after eating a lollipop when you were a kid, 98% of the time, you have a propensity to have a sweet tooth when you grow up. but here’s the thing, you will get exposed to different kinds of food as you grow old. do you wish to stay having a sweeth tooth, or do you wish to eat something else? i just hope that Dr. Ace follow what migs advised. be more self-aware. and to add, just enjoy life. i mean, seriously.

  29. nowayjose said on 18-06-2009

    who are you kidding? your friends know youre gay thats for sure. GAYDAR works both ways.. If you can spot them, they can spot you too..

  30. nobe said on 18-06-2009

    is it true na malaki ang connection ng isang abusive pas t sa pagiging gay?

    i thought its a natural thing for most. just curious.

    love,
    nobe

    http://www.deariago.bcom
    http://www.iamnobe.wordpress.com

  31. ming said on 18-06-2009

    well uhmm, ive been abused in the past siguro mga 5 years old ako nun. in a way i enjoyed it so i knew i was gay early on.

  32. ben said on 18-06-2009

    migs, you didn’t answer his first question.

  33. herbs said on 18-06-2009

    natawa ako sa last part. “world peace” reminds me of Thank you girls :-p

    hmmm. interesting. I wonder if he’s..hahaha. etchos! sa tingin ko- isa sa mga rason kung bakit nahihilo yang mga straight na yan eh dahil sa mga ginawa sa kanila o nangyari sa kanila nung kabataan nila.

    diba? parang most of the people i know who are gay now eh may mga nangyaring di kanais nais nung bata sila; namolestya, etc.

    nakakalungkot isipin dahil hindi nabigyan ng hustisiya ang mga batang ito. mga naabuso na ayaw magsalita dahil baka sila’y tinakot o sadyang nahihiya lang. nakakainis talaga. hayyyyyy

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *