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“Doctor, Doctor, Are You Bi?”
Entry Feed TrackbackWhen I was little, I memorized and repeatedly recited this little poem: “Mother, mother, I am sick. Call the doctor very quick! Doctor, doctor, shall I die? No, my darling, do not cry.” This same poem came back to mind as I received the following email from Dr. Ayedee Ace (not his real name). I include below our correspondence. Interesting. Read on, and share your thoughts.
hi migs,
i just want to ask your opinion regarding two experiences that i had. i won’t bother you with the details though.
i had a friend in college and who was also an org mate where we usually have meetings on friday afternoons after classes. this friend of mine was rumored to be gay, although he had girlfriends in the past. during the fridays when we didn’t have any afternoon classes, he would invite me to hang out at his apartment. one time we watched the whole “Angels in America” (an HBO series) on dvd. i wasn’t familiar with it, but eventually found out it was a gay-themed mini series. this friend of mine also had an apartment mate who, just a few years ago, came out of the closet.
i also had a room mate who i had no idea was gay. i eventually found out he was one when i walked in on him with another guy in our room (that’s another story). well, we had a talk about it. i evetually told him that i had no problem with him being gay, just as long as he gave me a heads up if he was having somebody around. anyway, i guess he got more comfortable with our living situation, he even invites me to watch episodes of “Queer as Folk” and the movie “Shortbus” on his laptop with him.
my questions are, in these two situations were my friend and room mate trying to:
1. find out if i was gay too?
2. win me over to the other side?
3. make a pass at me?
or am i just paranoid?
thanks, Ayedee Ace
Hi Ayedee Ace,
Thank you for sharing. You asked me, “am I paranoid?”
I don’t know. I can answer you better if you tell me more about yourself.
By the way, are you gay? Or have some doubts that maybe there is a
possibility you are?Migs
hi migs,
first, let me just say that i think i just gave away my identity by emailing you with my actual email account. now you can just google my name and know how i look. how careless. but any way, let’s just keep my identity between the two of us.
about me – 26, physician by profession but currently teaching in a university, middle child, 3 brothers, over-achiever (dati)
anyway, the short answer is “it’s complicated”
when i was younger, i could definitely say straight – as in breasts, vaginas, the works.
but when i reached adolescence, that’s when things got a bit … different.
you see, i was abused by an uncle when i was around 4 or 5. he was around 13 or 14 at that time. the thing was, i didn’t know that that was an inappropriate thing to do to me until i was like 11 or 12 and read about stuff like that. all the while, i thought it was nothing, although i sort of had the understanding that it wasn’t a “normal” experience. and part of me felt guilty because at that age, i actually enjoyed it. even to this day, i can still remember the sensations, even the odors, of how things went the days i was actually abused. and somehow, the memories “excited” me. it was always at the back of my mind.
i think that was when things got complicated and i started imagining doing it with the same sex. i actually had an experience with a male cousin. i won’t go into any details, but let’s just say he was the initiator. but right now he’s already married. we actually sort of had a small talk about it and he just said “mga bata pa tayo nun. di natin alam ginagawa natin.”
anyway, currently, i think i’m bi (or maybe i’m just in denial) but i want to go back to being straight again (as if there is a magic pill that can actually do that).
well, i hope this bit of info will be enough.
thanks again, Ayedee Ace
Dear Dr. Ayedee Ace,
Your first letter struck me, because while you were asking questions about the meaning of your friends’ actions, I knew in my gut you had something else in mind. Well, as you yourself revealed in your second letter, indeed there was something else. That you are bisexual, perhaps “gay but in denial,” and is wanting to become straight if at all possible.
This is what I want to tell you: self-awareness is key. It is not about labeling — bi? gay? straight? confused? For now, I tell you, it does not matter. What matters is being more and more aware of your real self. What do you want? What does your inner self tell you?
You generously shared the story about your abusive past. I congratulate you for being honest and up front about it. It is the past, and you cannot go back to change anything. It is the past, yet it gives you some way to understand how you are right now. The challenge though is realizing the following: your past is not you. Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself, but you have a choice, you have the power of volition, and therefore can choose how your past would influence your present, and your future. You can choose to let your past be a prison cell, you can choose to let it be your scapegoat, you can choose to let it be your cloud of haze, or you can choose it to be just a story of how it was before, but not the continuing plot of your present and future story.
You are, as that poem/song says, “the captain of your ship.” And I repeat my invitation to be more self-aware. I believe awareness is self-correcting. In your journey, as you become more aware of where you are, and the direction your ship is sailing, you also become a more powerful captain, able to adjust your rudder, even bit by bit, and steer your ship to that place where you can be the best you can be.
Aye, aye, captain Ayedee! Your truth will guide you.
World Peace! – Migs
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natawa ako sa last part. “world peace” reminds me of Thank you girls :-p
hmmm. interesting. I wonder if he’s..hahaha. etchos! sa tingin ko- isa sa mga rason kung bakit nahihilo yang mga straight na yan eh dahil sa mga ginawa sa kanila o nangyari sa kanila nung kabataan nila.
diba? parang most of the people i know who are gay now eh may mga nangyaring di kanais nais nung bata sila; namolestya, etc.
nakakalungkot isipin dahil hindi nabigyan ng hustisiya ang mga batang ito. mga naabuso na ayaw magsalita dahil baka sila’y tinakot o sadyang nahihiya lang. nakakainis talaga. hayyyyyy
herbs at Jun 18, 09 at 4:08 pm
migs, you didn’t answer his first question.
ben at Jun 18, 09 at 7:45 pm
well uhmm, ive been abused in the past siguro mga 5 years old ako nun. in a way i enjoyed it so i knew i was gay early on.
ming at Jun 18, 09 at 8:15 pm
is it true na malaki ang connection ng isang abusive pas t sa pagiging gay?
i thought its a natural thing for most. just curious.
love,
nobe
http://www.deariago.bcom
http://www.iamnobe.wordpress.com
nobe at Jun 18, 09 at 8:27 pm
who are you kidding? your friends know youre gay thats for sure. GAYDAR works both ways.. If you can spot them, they can spot you too..
nowayjose at Jun 18, 09 at 9:28 pm
just my two bob’s worth: i’m not a psychologist, but it does not take one to realize that are choices in life reflects and sculpts our being. our choices are derived from experiences. if you felt good after eating a lollipop when you were a kid, 98% of the time, you have a propensity to have a sweet tooth when you grow up. but here’s the thing, you will get exposed to different kinds of food as you grow old. do you wish to stay having a sweeth tooth, or do you wish to eat something else? i just hope that Dr. Ace follow what migs advised. be more self-aware. and to add, just enjoy life. i mean, seriously.
Leo at Jun 19, 09 at 12:23 am
it is unfortunate that all your early sexual arousals were with males. no wonder you are confused. your early sexual experiences are confusing you and what you really desire which is to be straight. what do you really fantasize now, being with a man or a woman? are you attracted sexualy to angelina or brad? you should start dating women and see how that fits you. you shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying “it” with your uncle at a very young age. even babies get aroused when stimulated that way. at 4 or 5 you had no idea what sex was but when you started to be aware of sex, that expereince was your first association about sex and sexuality. none of your early experiences can make you gay. it may create confusion in you. you can sort it out yourself or with the help of a professional. for now start dating women and see how that goes. you did say that you considered yourself straight before these introspections.
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marlou
malou at Jun 19, 09 at 11:35 am
@ Dr. ayedee
1. find out if i was gay too?
yes
2. win me over to the other side?
Apparently, yes
3. make a pass at me?
not sure??
xzena at Jun 19, 09 at 2:00 pm
Doc,
i totally agree with migs. be self-aware. but i would like to add this: be true to yourself. it’s one thing to be aware but another to accept whatever it is you learn about yourself. accept it. embrace it. live it. and if it turns you that you are gay, be very very thankful. i truly believe gay men have a much happier outlook in life than straight men.
marco jordan at Jun 19, 09 at 2:10 pm
Just do what comes naturally and be comfortable with it. Labels shouldn’t matter.
Nick at Jun 19, 09 at 9:40 pm
Ipagsa DIYOS mo na lang ang lahat…
mellicious at Jun 20, 09 at 9:49 am
tama si migs,alamin nya muna kung gusto ba niya itong nararamdaman niya or hindi at kung san niya feeling siya magiging masaya.I say magpakatotoo lang si doc and everything will go on its place,being gay is not that bad at all nasa tao yan pano niya handle ang pagiging gay niya.
and maybe those friends na sinabi niya sa unang letter e nakakatunog na nga and thinking of “initiating” him LOL!
maccallister at Jun 20, 09 at 1:18 pm
Doc,
never underestimate the gist and lessons of the scars.
they have thepower to remind us that the past was real.
a gay’s past wounds might heal but it leaves scars, eventually- a testament that we may forgive those who took advantage of our tender years but one thing: we never forget.
i pray for your enlightenment amidst your confusion.
ergo, just strive to be happy, in any case (Desiderata).
ram at Jun 20, 09 at 9:33 pm
“Your past provides good context for better understanding of yourself”
huh??hmm kasi wen i was young, n molestya ako nang kapitbahay namin..and i think un ung dhilan kung bakit naging bi or gay ako..prang my past lead me kung anu ako ngaun..un ung dhilan kung bakit ako nagkakagnito..
dave_davao at Jun 20, 09 at 11:29 pm
hi ace,
i am not really sure if the “abuse” in the past made u bi at present….do u really consider it abuse? kc kamo nag enjoy ka eh…just curious…or is it something experimental? am also a doctor …hindi ko lang kc makuha ang link…but be yourself…u have so much curiosities…just be careful.
mario at Jun 21, 09 at 12:02 am
Ace, you remind me of someone. same story. not sure though if he’s a physician but he teaches too. hmmm…i think i know you LOL!
'J' at Jun 21, 09 at 12:30 am
Doc, we have the same experience. I also had been abused at an early age–between 5-7 years old–and kept it to myself. The strange respose was that I enjoyed it, but the loathing and self-guilt came much after during my adolescent years when I “knew better” based on social norms about sexuality. I was in my 20s like you when I had girlfries, but was also drawn to the other sexuality (no derision there). That I was “different” took quite a while before I realized I was “unique”. And yes, I did rebel personally against labels of “bi”, homo and other straitjacketed concepts. I was my own person continuously evolving. I am now in my 30s and have had two mature relations with a guy. I have learned to accept who I was, without the labels. I have learned to be dispassionate about social norms. I have learned to be tolerant of others and liberal about my views—only because the seed of self awareness should also breed the fruits of love, forgiveness and understanding. Big words there, but it begins with one’s self without imposing unto others. There you will find where to begin. All the best to you.
Joel at Jun 21, 09 at 9:29 am
i like this thought: “that its not about labels. What matters is being more and more aware of our real self. What do we want? What does our inner self tell us?” Mabuhay ka MIGS!!
Kiko at Jun 21, 09 at 3:53 pm
There is a program called NARTH…it’s for homosexuals who are not comfortable with their homosexual orientation and wanted to revert back to being straight. The program is effective but the therapy is long…and some actually fail because of poor support-system (e.g. family, friends)
james at Jun 30, 09 at 8:45 pm
If you wish to avail of that help…CEFAM (or Center for Family Ministries) of Ateneo University has that kind of program…tel nos of CEFAM is 426-4289.
james at Jun 30, 09 at 8:48 pm
There are also other groups here in the Philippines such as:
1. Bagong Pag-asa
Director: Rene Gomez; Telephones: 001-632-807-6576, Fax: 001-632-842-5028; Mailing Address: PO Box 9139, MCS Mailing Center, 1200 Makati, Metro Manila, Philippines; Main Address: #7 Mindanao Drive, 1780 Ayala Alabang Village, Muntinlupa City, Philippines E-Mail: bpagasa@i-manila.com.ph
2. Pathway (previously called Bread of Life)
Alice Villa-Real; 011-632-1278-26161 (V/M, FAX, Numeric), 011-632-(0918) 802-1541 (car), 011-632-1277-26161 (pager); PO Box 1875, Quezon City CPO, 1158 Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines.
3. Set Free
E-Mail: setfree@skyinet.net(old info?)
4. Courage – Phillipines
Metro Manila Area; contact Joe G., Phone 0917-892-2257 or 0919-395-7168 or page 634-3333, ID #890-065
Deacon Dan Healy, Phone (02) 872-2021,
E-Mail1: courage_ph@edsamail.com.ph
E-Mail2: anawimph@philonline.com
Write to Anawim Community, 5 Vida Doria Street, B.F. Resort Village, Las Pinas City, Metro Manila, Philippines
I’m not too sure kasi with CEFAM, depende kasi sa therapist…
All of these therapies are confidential…
james at Jun 30, 09 at 8:55 pm
just admit it. you are either bi or gay. pretending to be straight will just twist your psyche.
Jasper Cortez at Jul 1, 09 at 3:01 pm
Pushing everyone to accept that there’s nothing that can be done creates depression.
There are those who are not comfortable with their homosexual tendencies, who wish to be free, and wants to have a “straight relationship” – kaya nga may tinatawag na “heterosexuals with an issue” or in lay man’s term, “closet homosexuals” (though the term is not correct)…
Homosexuality remains to be a pathologic state of mind…even the pioneers of pyschiatry and psychology believes that homosexuality occurred because of a break in son-father relationship.
The reason why most psychiatric societies removed homosexuality from lists of mental illness is because of the virulent and agressiveness of many gay rights movements. DSM is a product of a much politicized medical consensus.
Homosexuality can be cured.
james at Jul 17, 09 at 9:22 am
Hi James!
Thanks for posting the info about. I just want to make some corrections.
Courage Philippines is now headed by Rolando delos Reyes under the spiritual guidance of Father Daniel Healy. If you want to find out more about CP, go to their local blog by clicking the link above or googling Courage Philippines.
God bless.
Courage Philippines at Aug 27, 09 at 9:58 pm
To James,
Homosexuality can be cured? In that case are you saying that homosexuality is a sickness? I am quite bothered by your statements… What are your basis for these?
men at Sep 27, 09 at 12:45 am
my own formulae of sexuality
f+f=x
m+m=x
f+m=m,f,tb,g
m+f=f,m,g,tb
BENAR CUEVAS at Oct 15, 09 at 5:20 pm
to james
you think homosexuality is a sickness ,who told you,you got to be insane…show as your references…book,studies in accordance of it and ect…
i beg to disagre with false opinion…
BENAR CUEVAS at Oct 15, 09 at 5:25 pm
GUsto ko mag comment dito, even if late na…
same things happen to me, when i was 5 or 7 yrs old…
ang ngyari, i was also abused by my uncle.well mhabang story, di ko n ididitalye. so ngayon, andito ako mnila nkikipag sapalaran, s edad na 19. actually bi ako, straigt acting, pero alam ng lhat n ganto ako… and i would rather say na, lahat ng ngyari noon, gnwa akong gnito…ncra buhay ko… hanggang s nkikilala ko ang isang guy, na tumutulong skin.. at nging partner ko s buhay… well actually, my syota na sya and 4 years n silang live in… tinatago lng ako… hahaha…
mikik at Nov 9, 09 at 1:32 am
this has gotten a long way ah. Questions about sexuality then suggestions for self-realization then turning into suggestions of change. hhmmmm. i would like to say that everyone has their opinion but please be sensitive to what others would think. saying that homosexuality can be ‘cured’ is indeed like saying that it is a disease. i dunno if james is a hater but uh… you could have just stated that to those who want change you could go this place but to give statements like that is just wrong. NOTHING’S WRONG WITH CHANGE, BUT TO IMPOSE THAT CHANGE HAS TO BEEN DONE IS JUST WRONG. THE CHANGE MUST START FROM WITHIN, MAKE THE DECISION FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON TO DOING THE STEPS. REALIZE, DECIDE, THEN ACT.
philip at Nov 9, 09 at 1:59 pm