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Hi Migs,

I’ve followed your blog roughly since Day 1 (when I read posts about it on PEx), but I’ve only had the opportunity to write you now. I’m not sure if I’m asking your advice exactly, or I just want to be able to tell somebody about my frustrations.

I’m a single professional based in the Metro. I live alone, am financially self-sufficient, and possess a certain amount of charm, so to speak. I’m very discreet, and although I have a few friends who know about me, I don’t get to talk to them a lot.

I’ve been single now for quite a few years. At first, it was by choice – I wanted to focus on my career first, and on improving myself. Now, however, loneliness has hit me quite hard, and I’ve been trying my luck with dating, and it hasn’t been a very pleasant experience.

Because I don’t have a lot of gay friends, I don’t have a network from where I could get “referrals.” So, I turned to the online routes: chat and personals ads.

I’ve talked to guys who genuinely seemed like they were nice. I get told a lot that I’m a pleasure to talk to. And yet, nothing seems to work out. Most of the time, it’s either they want other things (i.e. just to fool around), or they just disappear all of a sudden. I don’t know if it’s a function of the way I look, or if I’m just too intense. The bottom line is, I still go home alone at the end of the day.

I am still hopeful that there’s somebody out there for me. But, as the days, weeks, and months pass, I’m starting to get less and less hopeful, and more and more cynical. I’m so close to giving up on relationships, and I’m afraid that I might actually end up chasing away the one, when he finally comes.

That’s the boat I’m in currently. Just today, this guy I was talking to for 3 hours on the phone last night, flaked on me. That’s the second time in one week. I am so frustrated, saddened, and hurt. I know that after I’ve cried about it for a while, I will put a smile on my face and go on living.

But, my heart feels like it’s been skinned over and over, and it feels raw right now, and frankly, unbearable. I seriously don’t know if I’m okay anymore – and I know I wouldn’t have e-mailed you had I been okay.

Anyway, thanks Migs for this opportunity to get a load off my chest. I wish you all the best – and the happiness to boot.

God bless!
“Cool Pare”

hopefortheflowers

Dear Cool Pare,

When I read your email, the first thing that came to mind was one of my favorite books — “Hope for the Flowers” by Trina Paulus. I first encountered the book as a required reading back in high school, but loved it since then. I have given the book as gift to many of my very close friends. If you were a personal friend, I’d give you a copy as well.

You sound like a very smart guy. I can see you write well, and you express yourself very clearly. You said that for a time you consumed your time mostly to further yourself in your career as well as in your personal development. All these things are very good. You also said that there came a point in time when you started looking for “The One” through online venues. Nothing wrong with that.

Towards the end of your letter, you said your “heart feels like it’s been skinned over and over, and it feels raw right now, and frankly, unbearable.” This is a very profound statement. I would invite you to ponder more on this, and see what makes you use this very graphic imagery. Can it be seen any other way? Can a different lens make you see a different reality looking at the same thing?

“Hope for the flowers” is a parable about hope. Here’s an excerpt:

“Butterfly — that word,” she [a caterpillar] thought.
“Tell me, sir, what is a butterfly?”

“It’s what you are meant to become. It flies with beautiful wings and joins the earth to heaven. It drinks only nectar from the flowers and carries the seeds of love from one flower to another.”

“Without butterflies the world would soon have few flowers.”

“It can’t be true!” gasped Yellow.
“How can I believe there’s a butterfly inside you or me when all I see is a fuzzy worm?”

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively.

“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

“You mean die?” asked Yellow, remembering the three who fell out of the sky.

“Yes and No,” he answered.

“What looks like you will die but what’s really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away. Isn’t that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?”

Nurture hope inside you, Cool Pare. When you find “The One” you will see it’s all worth the wait. Meanwhile, continue your quest for developing yourself. Gradually transform your caterpillars into butterflies, and I tell you, it’s no easy task. Be patient and as you become, day by day, a better version of yourself, you will also be an inch closer to your best destiny. If that destiny contains a life with “The One” so be it. But it will definitely be a future that you create now.

Be well.

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Comments (29)

  1. rickz_07 said on 21-09-2009

    dont worry im here..

  2. kyle said on 18-09-2009

    i was told to write a reaction paper on this book on my philo subject.
    indeed, lessons learned.

  3. Gabby said on 07-09-2009

    “Love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it flies away. Just wait and it will come to you.”

  4. 12th said on 07-09-2009

    If you’re looking for a friend, email me or look for me at DL. I think there are a lot of us folks, we just need to keep looking. Who knows? Right?

  5. Irkedyarn said on 06-09-2009

    Dear Cool Pare,

    Seriously, “Cool Pare”? Haha. But you’re a swell guy. You know that already, so just believe it. πŸ™‚

  6. Winterking said on 04-09-2009

    why fret over not having gay friends? You know gurl, there are fag hags lurking around that might compensate things. however its really hard to explain things esp if you dont belong to the same closet, right?

  7. James said on 03-09-2009

    Aren’t we all feel the same and still on the prowl for that “one”?
    Maybe the reason why you (and others) are still lonely today is because your choice, your standards, your expectations…or something else.
    Haay – buhay. Wala akong masabi. Lalim. Sadyang mahapdi at makirot ang mga katotohanan ng buhay. Good luck!

  8. caetano said on 03-09-2009

    cool pare,
    don’t despair. as you can see from the various comments posted, your situation is not unique. don’t look for it. it will happen when it happens. i don’t think it’s a matter of being ‘too picky’. it’s more of searching for the ‘right fit’, and that can take quite a while. don’t look for it. it will come at the right time, with the right guy. otherwise, why settle for less than what you feel would be right for you? if and when it comes, that would be great. if not, being single is really not such a big deal. i’m in my 40s and, after three failed relationships, still single. but the wonderful thing at my age is i’ve realized that my happiness is not and should not be dependent on another person. i can be happy albeit alone. i haven’t given up hope though. but i’m not spending my life waiting for it to happen either.
    meanwhile, as migs said, focus your energy on more productive pursuits, look outside of yourself and get involved in endeavours that you find fulfilment in.
    stay cool and positive.

  9. fratboi02 said on 02-09-2009

    Hi cool pare!
    Same like you…I only have a few gay friends…a couple to boot.=D but that was never a problem to have someone find you…i never diverted to online things but i always get lucky that i get to meet someone in ‘REGULAR’ functions. The trick is never look for one and wait for the one to find you…now, it may take days, weeks, months or even years but its worth the wait…
    be patient kaibigan…wag kang atat kasi dadating yan…trust me…=D

  10. Rexy the Sexy said on 02-09-2009

    Baka choosy ka at mataas ang standards mo. Kaya ayan single ka ngayon. Pag may nagpaparamdam sa’yo, go na agad Sis! Wag nang mag-inarte at maging pakipot.ü

  11. Kiro said on 02-09-2009

    One of the best posts so far and obviously many can relate. It’s very comforting that there’s a lot of caring and genuinely supportive PLU. Cool Pare, you’re not alone. I’m also a firm believer that there will always be someone for each of us out there. Keep on BELIEVING, HOPING and LOVING. God bless.

  12. bluelightninglad said on 01-09-2009

    Mr. Cool Pare, sabi nga ng Katy Perry song:

    “There’s tons of fish in the waters
    so the waters I will test.”

    I’m single pero hindi pa ako naghahanap.
    Baka magkasalubong tayo sa “Metro”, bigla kang maging taken. Kidding! Kaya mo yan!

  13. aresinuae said on 01-09-2009

    Parang naging dating site na to.

    To all of you who are lonely, join MGGFF. Go ahead write Migs for an invite.

    Wala na ko masabing maganda, baka magtaray lang ako kaya baboo na!

  14. pacer150 said on 01-09-2009

    to cool pare,

    u are not alone man..ako nga andito sa UK sabi ng mga friends ko andami dyan eh hanggang ngayon wala pa rin..tyaga lang pare/mare..
    ingats..

  15. miggie said on 01-09-2009

    hey…we are on the same boat, yet I have waited and persevered that one day I stopped searching and waiting…yet with God’s grace he just appeared in a shining armor…Now I treasure him…we are on our 3rd month and still growing very strong because we love each other..

    Just stay focus, pray and pray..surrender your loneliness and desire to HIM and He will grant you the BEST answer….Trust HIM..

  16. karl said on 01-09-2009

    to cool pare, you’re not the only gay person in this blogosphere looking for “the one”. i am one of those people as well. if you’re interested, we may start a chat. reply to this so i can give you my email ad πŸ™‚

  17. lon said on 01-09-2009

    yah…di ka nag-iisa…

  18. butterflyrhai said on 01-09-2009

    i do believe in the article, this has always been my guide love is just the icing of the cake, the base wuld be a lot more of sacrifices, understanding and trust and a lot lot more….for one to trully understand one must experience and along the way every obstacle shuld be won and conquered to reach the goal of feeling ultimately loved some are blessed to have it the easy way but its better to taste sweet victory with a conquest that we worked hard for….that way it wuld make us feel fulfilled with love…

  19. Nicholas said on 01-09-2009

    walang picture… boring naman

  20. jett said on 01-09-2009

    if you want a friend, a real friend or someone to talk, im a good listener, email me at jettmontelibano@yahoo.com. i’m also looking for a friend.

  21. icebox said on 31-08-2009

    nakakarelate ako ah..hehe..you want someone to talk to? msg me at juju.villaluz@hotmail.com..its my instant messenger as well..

  22. watever.comes said on 31-08-2009

    you can’t have everything in life. . . just be patient or try not to look, unexpected things happen to people who are somewhat tired of finding love. In the end, what’s important is that this someone will make you happy and that he truly loves you in return.

  23. Lloydy said on 31-08-2009

    God blesses those who waits patiently.. ^^

  24. weng said on 31-08-2009

    Focus on real people, not just on line and all, cause everybody knows that lies and pretention is the name of the game. Join a cause oriented group, attend new class, go to parties. Who knows you will find THE ONE you have been hoping, in real life, real situation. No mask, not a “virtual reality”.

  25. ming said on 31-08-2009

    i always believe true love are discovered in unexpected ways. who knows, you might be surprised.

  26. Tony said on 31-08-2009

    patience is a virtue that our generation needs to be reacquainted with.

    I sometimes feel that, as a generation, instant gratification is a given requirement and that we also have a heightened sense of entitlement.

    That if we don’t get the results we want within a given time frame, we give up and move on…. sadly love, like most things in life that are important, don’t follow schedules or flowcharts.

    Don’t lose hope… and never grow jaded.

  27. i'm a narnian said on 31-08-2009

    migs, why haven’t i received a copy of this book from you then? LOL

    this is a very well written post migs. so uplifting!

    and for Cool Pare, i kinda resonate with you. Keep on trying. πŸ™‚

  28. walp said on 31-08-2009

    I too have somehow given up and realized that I need no one …

  29. killersmile said on 31-08-2009

    I feel that even though you have been successful in your career and personal development, you haven’t developed the inner confidence that will make you attractive to a potential partner.

    Focus instead on your good, quality points. Hopefully you potential partner will forgive your weaknesses.

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