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Would you read a letter from a 23-year-old guy, fat, has man-boobs, and lacks self-confidence? I would. Because such a guy reeks of humanity — he is the everyman, the norm, the average guy, the real thing, who, given the descriptions, is at the core still nothing but the same as us — looking for love, searching for “The One” and dreaming of a happy ever after. Come on, read.

* * *

Hi Migs,

I was browsing through the net and i saw your blogs. It’s my first time to actually write to someone about my what i feel. I wanted to lighten my load.
I am a 23 yr. old guy, fat, has man boobs, lacks confidence, amongst other negative qualities. Single and i’ve been searching for something in my life. I’m in a state where i don’t want to accept the fact that i think i’m gay because i don’t want to be one. and i really want to have a family of my own in the near future. But the thing with me is that ever since i was a kid, people regarded me as gay, which i think really affected me a lot since then. I didn’t mind them but as i grew up i started to feel a different feeling i began to like the body of men that are really well toned. I started to fantasize about them, and now i have hired the so-called “masseurs”.
Every time i set up an appointment with a masseur i really get excited and aroused but when the time comes that i’m in the actual meet i don’t feel anything anymore and i feel like i’m just wasting my money. Why could that be? and i was thinking that i might just need someone to talk to about what i’m feeling and going through. I’m really confused when i look at the body of a man i really want to touch it and feel it but when i’m there i don’t want to do it because i feel that it’s not right and it seems yucky doing that… am i gay or am i just insecure with the body of a well toned man…
But i have tried fucking another man and it felt odd. Someone has sucked me already and it felt good for a while then after that i didn’t want to do it again. i’ve also tried sucking and i don’t feel it. All these things i only fantasize of doing but in reality i don’t like it.
Is it still possible for me to have a girlfriend?

hope to hear form you!

Sincerely,
S.C.

* * *

Dear S.C.,

Allow me to answer your question: “Is it still possible for me to have a girlfriend?”

The answer is yes. But I would follow up with a question — is that really what you want?

I’d encourage you to continue piling up questions, so you can be challenged enough to know your self more. To be more self-aware. I’d hate to see you rush yourself into an answer. As in many things, rushing doesn’t exactly produce the truth. Maybe a convenient version of it, but not the whole, unadulterated truth. And you don’t want that, right?

You would want the real score. Who are you? What do you really want? What is your preference? What would make you happy deep down? What would make you feel this life is actually worth living, despite all the hardship? Take hold of yourself, take hold of your life. Be aware of your past programming (“You’re nothing but a gay boy, so be a gay boy!”) and put a stake in the ground — you are who you decide you are! People will always have opinions, but if you are strong enough with your self-concept, you do not need to kowtow to their opinion of you.

If you are sincere in this self-awareness exercise, you will definitely encounter questions that aren’t easy, yet there is no rush in answering them. Take as much time as you need. What is important is that you are on that road to self-awareness. Discover yourself bit by bit, day by day, little by little, breath by breath,… and trust that one day you will be blessed with an inexplicably clear understanding of yourself, an awareness that you never even dreamed you could possibly have. Be open, and be trusting. Your epiphany will come soon. Meanwhile, continue questioning.

And continue truly loving yourself — by embracing who you are, who you really are, not your weight, height, or man-boobs. Remember, you are much, much more than these things.

Be your best self always,

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Comments (29)

  1. psyche said on 10-12-2009

    IMHO, i think mas madali magka-gf kesa bf.
    Unang-una, 1:4 ang ratio ng men to women, so basically there are more women who are single and will probably take a chance on a guy.

    I’ve also thought of having a girlfriend. However, I don’t really feel any sexual feelings towards the opposite sex.

  2. chubibo said on 20-10-2009

    hi…im 23yrs old…i feel your pain…i’ve there…and i think i’m still going through these again. dont pity yourself…let me tell my story…i was raped several times by my cousin when i was 6 years old…my parents separated when i was 8years old….going through high school was my bitter sweet reality…i fell in-love with guy whom i thought would fall in-love with me…but then again…he never did and never will…i also have man-boobs…i’m very ashamed of my boobs…people tease me evrytime i pass by, bumabakat kasi…i tried hiding it…nilalagyan ko ng masking tape or nagsusuot ako ng garter ng supporter..yung malapad…just so i could hide my boobs…i was very emebarassed…most of the time i fell lonely, alone and indespair….sometimes i wish i could just disappear…going through college was the darkest part of my life… i tried concealing my sexual preferrence…minsan tuloy pakiramdam ko parang ibang tao na ko…gets nyo? i never had friends in college…i was a loner…loner but not loser!!! never! i did well in my academics pero syempre may konting sablay…then that day came…i told myself…never again… di na ko nagsusuot ng tape or garter….i started mingling with other students…i started laughing withn them…then i realized that my life wasn’t that miserable…it made me who i am today…a strong confident, well loved, humorous, sensible funny guy that i never thought i would be…gets!?! tama yung sinabi ni pansit…learn to love yourself and people will love you back…hanggang ngayon naghahanap pa rin ako ng taong kukumopleto at magpapasaya sa buhay ko…sana pag nabasa mo to, marealize mo na hindi ka nagiisa…we share your pain and that we all understand what you’re going through….YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! *apir* everything sing!!!! hahaha take care!!! nga pala im looking for badminton buddies!!!

  3. pansit! said on 03-10-2009

    Hi SC. We’re on the same boat. And to think that I am even older than you (29y.o). And yes, I once lack the confidence..but I’m getting there. This is the only thing that I needed to learn to propel me in my life as a 240lbs. 5’8″ gay guy.

    LOVE YOURSELF

    If you find it difficult to love yourself, then we have bigger problems. Loving oneself can be manifested in a lot of ways, such as exercising daily, eating the right kind of food, brushing your teeth…all of the things that you do for yourself. That’s loving yourself. Of course, chief among all of these manifestations is…

    MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

    Give yourself time and opportunity to love yourself, and do the best things for yourself. Although I should say that it’s easier said than done. But I know you’ll get there.

    Love will never come to you, unless you learn to love yourself.

    Right now I am at 220lbs., since I am big boned (as per my nutritionist/trainer), the lowest I could go is 175-180lbs. And I will get there and stay there because I love myself. I don’t care wherever that ideal weight of mine will take me (either to love or sexual attraction or oozing confidence), as long as I know deep in me that I am doing that because I love myself.

    LOVE AND LIVE. SO WORK ON IT! 🙂

  4. Shantoto said on 20-09-2009

    well for starters i can relate to him for I too am fat, guys called me bading na ape and all those stuff.. I just have issues that I havent come into terms with and i feel super helpless regarding it… I lack confidence to be bold and beautiful and I feel as though no one would ever want me and that I am a social Pariah.. Migs I need help I cant do it alone… My friends are there just keeping ma afloat from all this…

  5. Tongue and Chicks said on 09-09-2009

    What churvaness said is absolutely true! Looking good is the best revenge ever! I think you are just mortified for who you truly are and I won’t blame you for that. You were young back then when people punched and labeled you as gay. You’ve experienced a deep scar of humiliation, and that made you unconsciously regard the other party superior. Their value goes higher in your perspective because they have the power to humiliate you. Make a strong barrier for yourself so that people won’t easily have the chance to break you. Sadly, society dictates that lean people are more attractive than chubby ones. So I suggest you to shape up and live healthy, it’s also for your own good. Reading from your letter, I do think that you like men and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your brain just shut downs the idea whenever you’re going to indulge yourself in one of your drooling fantasies, so I guess it’s more of GUILT than of anything else. You dismiss the idea of being gay and attracted to men since society tells you so. Nonetheless, having a family of your own is the right path to go, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But for me, everyone has their own path to take, we may have different roads to take but the destination is all the same, and that is happiness and fulfillment. So go on and have lots of dates with yourself and once you’ve know truly known yourself for what you really prefer then go on meeting new people. Knowing for who you really are is like eating a bottomless ice cream tub; you keep discovering new ad exciting things about yourself.

    LEG

  6. demujin loyola said on 07-09-2009

    much self-loathing you’ve got there. are you catholic? i’m also catholic but the less-gulity type. i sin and then i confess and ask forgiveness. i used to hate myself whenever i gave in to my sexual proclivities but eventually i came to terms with it, i mean it’s my nature. and oh, i’m fat but there are bear/cub chasers out there

  7. churvaness said on 07-09-2009

    Hi S.C. I cant help but to reply to this email because growing up, i was fat and i had a lot of insecurities. Just like you, I was in DENIAL for a very long time. Until I made an effort to “get to know” myself better. In order for me to do that, I spend a lot of time with myself. In other words, I had a date with myself. Though getting to know myself, dating myself, reflection and etc didnt end in a day or two or even a week, it took me a year. After everything, i got to know myself better. I said and promised to myself that, I wont be forever insecure. Turn my insecurities as my strengths and i have to fully embrace myself.
    I was a fat kid growing up, I was a fat high school graduate and fat college graduate. Weight has always been my issue. So i decided that I should not let my “weight” pull me down. So what i did, i decided to lose weight, the classic way. Diet and exercise. I got myself into sports and from then on, i have been exercising, running, doing sports eating healthy until now. I tell you, the result is amazing. I can go on a day without wearing a tshirt to show people about my body, i am proud of it and for what i have achieved.
    So work on it man. If you are insecure about your weight, you can always do something about it. I can help you. Dont deny of who and what you are. Love yourself, because by doing so, you attract more people. especially if you combine it with a sexy body. **Wink**

    and by the way: Those kids who used to tease me about me being fat. Look at them now? hahahaha Looking good is the best revenge.

    Cheers.

  8. Broken_Heart said on 04-09-2009

    This is easy. This was how I was 9 years ago! Im not out til now.
    BEFORE: I never really enjoyed the encounters that much. The guilt was killing me which meant less enjoyment. The partners were not that great as well. They were ok.
    NOW: Years of practice, im in a stage where im comfortable and maybe i have no guilt anymore.:D I enjoy it more and when u r in the USA, partners are better! The guys know what they want and do what we want. Theres too much guys around to just “settle” with whoever responds to you in MIRC.

    So….. buddy, you know u like guys, u r just nervous about everything that is happening. You also just said “YUCKY”. seriously? Yucky?

  9. hotbodysuperbaby said on 04-09-2009

    I WAS Fat, Has Man-Boobs, Lacks Confidence, and believe me I still am…in my mind. It never goes away. I go to the gym 4 hours a day, 6 days a week, and I still feel…inadequate.

    I wont give you all those cliches they say like “be proud of yourself” “love yourself” “keep you head high” or “you have so many good things to be thankful about” we all know that it doesn’t work that way. but it’s up to you how you make of it.

    I wish you find happiness that you deserve. I’m still looking for mine. 🙂

  10. koki_motok said on 04-09-2009

    i can relate to your “self-esteem” issues, and i guess that’s what wyou would have to work on first. learn to love and accept what you have and learn that people have their preference. hindi lahat gusto ng payat, mataba, muscular, cheneloo.. i should know cuz i myself is “blessed with curves”, but i managed to work with it. then i would have to agree with migs abt you not rushing things up. dont force to find the answer who you really are. let time take its course.

  11. Ray said on 03-09-2009

    I’am so relating to this guy,, I do admire good looking guys and watch gay porn but for some reason I can’t bear the thought of myself having gay sex.. It’s really weird..

  12. Nick said on 03-09-2009

    For goodness sake, get a hold of yourself. Get muscular and have sex w/ anyone who’s available, man or woman. Don’t worry about being confused. Part of your lack of sexual urge is your lack of self-confidence. Once you let go, you’ll get it up every time.

  13. weng said on 03-09-2009

    To Migs, you can be a Great Behavioral Counselling Specialist. Something better from this lines…

    To S.C, take it from Migs, beauty comes from within. Carry lang yan.

  14. ron said on 03-09-2009

    Ang arteh naman ateh… chos!

  15. Israel said on 03-09-2009

    Oh my god SC, i have no idea that someone out there feels the same way that i do. When i was reading your letter i definately relate to your situation and i said “gosh this is also my story”. Brought tears to my eyes. SC definately you are not alone i go thru this feeling everyday. I definately feel the pain. There are even times that i dont want to look myself in the mirror. Sometimes i dont even know what i am, i dont know if i am crushing on a guy or am i just admiring him because of the look that he has (that i dont have). I even noticed that nowadays, gays are even more good looking and poses hot bodies than straight men, Ive seen queer as folk, dante’s cove, the lair, brothers and sisters, ANTM, the L word, will and grace, queer eye for the straight guy, etc… that i question myself, do i have the right to be gay? or am i just confused???? (oh gosh im tearing up) I totally feel for you SC.

  16. James said on 03-09-2009

    I remembered the day when my mom told me that I’m too fat to be gay. That was 220 pounds ago and I proved her wrong. Siguro yung nararamdaman mo is that when you had that chance to do those things with another man, you felt insecure of your body and yourself. Confidence issue perhaps. Try to find yourself first, then be confident of what you currently have. I guess we don’t need to be toned and muscly to feel sexy. It’s all in the mind.

  17. the_priest said on 03-09-2009

    condolence kay Ka Ernie of Iglesia ni Kristo… mabuti syang tao… yon lang… bow

  18. hmpdrx said on 02-09-2009

    to nikki and s.c., you have a great deal of self-loathing which is natural.why? because you grew up in straight world and have adopted the idea of happiness through straight peoples eyes. Now that this illusion is gone, the mechanisms of guilt have you by the throat.

    i say, youre definitely attracted to men. being bi is another possibility but also a lazy excuse for non-acceptance. ‘falling in love with a girl’ sounds like an oedipus complex.hmm..

    so just be ‘man’ enough to know who you are. once you drop that sorry raincloud in your head. having sex with men will seem natural and right. To make it easier for you, we all question our purpose and are constantly under fire by being ourselves, but that will give you more resolve in being who you are. the reward is a smile on your face when you wake up, trust me.its not hard as it sounds. good luck and keep on watching porn 😉

  19. fratboi02 said on 02-09-2009

    Hi. You need to set it straight with yourself first…are you gay or not? Its not by chance or by circumstance…its by choice and you need to choose and decide to go to the path where you know you’ll be happiest.
    Being fat is not a bad thing…I maen I’ve never been really fat but let me tell you that I was most mabenta when I was a bit on the heavy side of things. Thats when I met my boyfriend and it was a blessing because he saw me way beyond my looks…and he loved me for me…now that im more fit…bonus nalang yung looks. I suggest that you work out or diet…it will do your self esteem some good…just like being gay…loosing weight is by choice…and you need to choose if you want to stay like that or you want to do something about your insecurities. cheers!

  20. axe said on 02-09-2009

    Magkaka GF ka sure yun, about yourself being fat,man-boobs, lacks confidence, girl na girl ka talaga promise, anyways have more exercise, go to the gym. Ako tabachoy dati, since desidido akong pumayat kinarir ko ang pag gygym mahirap sa una kinaya ko naman kaya heto all eye ang mga kapwa ko bayots, girls kapag nasa mall or any public place. Lastly try mo makipag sex sa babae kapag tinigasan at nakapag perform ka ng bonggang bongga sa bed ibig sabihin nun ay TOMBOY ka hahaaha lols. Mahirap talagang umamin na tayo ay gay pero no choice but to accept the reality na masarap maging malaya.

  21. itsonsms said on 02-09-2009

    You already had your dick in a guys mouth and one in yours… Isn’t that clear enough?.. Hahahaha… Kidding aside.. About the weight thing… Get off your fat ass and hit the gym… I’m not kidding… If you work out regularly no matter what you eat if you’re sedentary, you’ll lose weight… If you don’t want to exercise, stop eating your donuts and feeling sorry for yourself… It’s your fault anyway… You have to realize that…. I have…

  22. no_b_llsh_t said on 02-09-2009

    “… fat, has man-boobs, and lacks self-confidence? I would. Because such a guy reeks of humanity — he is the everyman, the norm, the average guy, the real thing..”

    hi migs,

    i would have to disagree with this one. marami nga ang overweight sa ating bansa (i think the latest figure is around 23%), at meron din jang mga kulang sa self-confidence, but to call that ‘the norm’ and ‘average’ seems incorrect.

    hi S.C.,

    i would have to agree with the other posts. Its probably guilt you feel. and funny as post number 6 is, why not take his advice. hire a masseuse for once and see how that turns out. then you get a definitive answer.

  23. Rexy the Sexy said on 02-09-2009

    Sister. Bakla ka. Nagpapantasya ka ng lalaki eh. Tska natural lang na nakararamdam ka ng guilt o hesitation pagdating sa sex. Dahil conservative ka. Sa tanong mo kung magkaka-girlfriend ka eh abah posible yon. Nag-aasawa nga ang ibang bakla, di ba?

  24. ming said on 02-09-2009

    try mo kasi magfuck ng girl para magka-alaman na! echos.

    on a serious, you shouldn’t feel guilty of having sex with men. There’s no right or wrong sexual orientation. regarding ur lack of confidence, i must frankly say you must lose weight. if you really want it, do it.

  25. bryanboysucks said on 02-09-2009

    sadly a large part of the gay society is obsessed with the perfect male physique… its a fact we cannot change.. 🙁

  26. nikki said on 02-09-2009

    wow.. suddenly, i dont feel so alone anymore…
    ive been wanting to write kuya migs but this guy wrote how i feel.. EVERYTHING he wrote reflects mine.. except that i havent fucked anyone yet and never did a BJ or even kissed a guy and im 19yrs old.
    like him, i fantasize about men and salivate when i see a set of rock-hard abs but when it comes to situations when it might get real, i back out thinking that its gross or not appropriate for a guy to do. once, a guy friend started touching me while we were sleeping but i never got a hard on so that makes me really confused. i do have boy crushes though but i think its just an appreciation of their beauty.. but what i really feel is envy. when i look at those handsome guys, i really wish that i could be as great looking as them. i would usaully imagine how easy it would be to get GIRLS if i was enchong dee or piolo pascual. you see, ive never fallen in love with a guy but i have fallen in love many times over girls.

    ive always thought that once i have achieved that slim and toned body, this confusion will stop.. i dont want to be gay.. i want to have a wife and kids too.. i tried comforting myself by explaining that i turned like this because my longing for a great body turned to lust.. sa pagiging mataba ko, na-iba ang pagtingin ko sa hinahangad kong katawan. im sorry if this doesnt make any sense but im just overwhelmed. this is my first time writing a comment here.. this letter compelled me to write. ive been visiting this site for 3 years now and ive been really hesitant to write to migs because im not even supposed to be here in the first place.

    kuya migs, im sorry to say this but after reading your advice, i still dont feel relieved.. im still confused and worried that i may never be straight. i dont really care what other people say. im cool with gay relationships but not when it comes to me, i dont see myself having a relationship with guys and i really dont want to. but i cant stop this “fetish” for gay porn. im just turned on when i see guys with sculpted abs kahit construction worker pa yan.. sorry.. sabog na talaga ako. a lot of emotions went out when i read this letter… so many things to say so many confusions. i need help and reassurance.

  27. Tristan Tan said on 02-09-2009

    Dear SC –

    Your letter broke my already-broken heart. I hate you. Haha.

    But seriously, I know where you are coming from – trust me, I do. I admire you for taking the first step towards something – I’m not sure where you’re going (straight, non-straight, etc.) but what I do know is that you are most definitely going somewhere – this is always good.

    Unfortunately, and unlike many “average-sized” guys dealing with the typical gay issues, yours has an extra angle to it that also needs to be addressed. I can sense that you don’t seem to love yourself that much – at least the way that you look. No self-loving person would describe himself as someone who is “fat, has man boobs, lacks confidence, amongst other negative qualities”. Even if it’s true, that’s extremely bad marketing. Hindi ka bebenta nyan. You are putting yourself down. You have to believe that you are beautiful (even in a non-gay kind of way) inside and out. And just in case I have not overdone cliches, learn to love yourself more. MGG is right, there’s more to you than the extra flabs that you have so aptly captured in one word – fat.

    I am also glad that you raised a very important observation – that probably, the reason why you like toned men is because that’s something you aspire for. Good point and for all intents and purposes, this may very well be valid. I have also thought of this before but then I realized, I just like gorgeous-looking men, period. Just remember that, in the same vein, you may just as well be gay. I suggest that you take the advise of the gorgeous MGG and continue questioning yourself on what you really want. If the epiphany does not come, I guarantee that you’ll eventually get tired and finally choose a side.

    I understand that we are living in a very harsh world and people can be cruel and heartless. But, if it’s any consolation, the sturdiest people I know are fat (or were fat) and have (had) manboobs. And they are the also the most beautiful people I have met, inside and out.

    Yun na.

    P.S. Sorry MGG, hindi ko napigilan magblog sa blog mo. Ha ha.

  28. killersmile said on 02-09-2009

    Possible to have a GF? Yes!

    Your Gay? I think you are not. You are just confused. And if having homosexual experiences bothers you, real men admitted they had homosexual experiences in a survey/study.

    Wag ka mag impluwensiya sa mga bakla do your own thing and you will be just fine…

  29. paul said on 02-09-2009

    wow migs. you really give good advise. keep up the excellent work.

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