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Hi Migz,

I’ve been planning to write you a letter, matagal na. Pero when I heard Kiko’s podcast, nagdecide na ako, eto na talaga. But how should I start? Sige na nga, the usual.
 
I’m Vincent. I’m 22 years old. As of the moment, hindi ko alam kung ano ako, but I can say na hindi ako straight. I’ve had lot of encounters na. It started when I was a kid. Nakita ko porn stuff ng dad ko. Watched it. And by then, curious na ako makakita ng tite. There even came a point na yung mga kuya ko, kapag tulog, sisilipan ko. Ewan ko. Curious lang ako siguro kung ano ang makikita ko. Tapos yung isa naming kapitbahay, pinahawak pa niya sa akin. I guess, that’s where it all started. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang sunod doon. Ang alam ko lang, dahil sa internet, lalo akong na-introduce sa gay porn. Mga sites na M2M. Tapos chat. Webcam.

Yung first experience ko was inside Alta Cinema. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba ang meron doon. Nagulat ako. Chupaan here and there. Parang may free access ka to hold anyone’s dick sa loob. Doon ako unang nachupa. Pumayag ako just for the heck of it. After I came, I ran out agad, tago. Baka makita niya mukha ko. Matapang ako sa loob kasi madilim e.

Nasundan ‘yun when a friend of mine, my so-called Kuya, asked me if I wanted to come with him sa dorm niya. Inaantok na kami pareho that time kaya sumama ako. Nung nakahiga na kame, bigla siyang yumakap tapos he confessed that he’s bisexual, tapos hinalikan ako. Hindi na ako nakapalag. Or should I say, hindi na ako pumalag. Again, for experience and curiosity. We did not have anal sex. Puro blowjob, kissing and handjob. Paguwi ko ng bahay nun, I told myself, stop na. Ayaw ko na. Pero pag itetext niya ako na makipagmeet, it’s as if wala akong magawa. Mas natatalo ng libog ang utak ko. I was 18 then. For three years siguro, occasionally, nagkikita kame. This year, sobrang dalang na. I changed my number a couple of times at hindi ko ibinibigay sa kanya, pero pag tinamaan na naman ng kalibugan, tinetext ko siya.

He’s not the only guy na natikman ko at natikman ako. There was this friend na bi. May boyfriend siya before, then they broke up. He didn’t know what I was into. (Syempre, walang nakakaalam. Actually Migs, first time ko ishare ang lahat ng ‘to.) Anyway, after my “Kuya”, this “friend” became my “parausan”. After quite some time, nagka-gf siya, ako din. So stop na kami.

Last December naman, fresh from a break up (with my girlfriend), lumabas kami ng kabarkada ko. Malayo ang bahay ko kaya nakitulog ako sa kanila. Wala akong idea na trip niya ang mga lalaki. Bigla ko na lang naramdaman ang kamay niya gumagapang. Tapos yun na. We talked about it. Wala lang sa kanya. Kahit sa akin naman, wala lang din.

You know what’s funny? For me, pag sa guys, lust lang lahat. Madami na din ako nagiging girlfriends, and sa kanila ko nakikita ang love. Pag libog, sa guys. May ganun kaya talaga? O ako lang? I have no girlfriend since September last year. One year na. And whenever wala akong gf, feeling ko, for everyone’s consumption itong junior ko. Because of G4M, I discovered the secrets of public restrooms. MRT hipuans and stuff like those. Even in resorts. Random encounters.
 
I don’t really know the point of sending you my letter, Migz. Parang wala naman kwenta e. Haha. Pero sige, send ko na din. I just felt na gusto ko i-share sa’yo buhay ko, and maybe I want to hear your views about me.
 
Thanks Migz. Hope to hear from you, soon!
Vincent

* * *

Hello Vincent,

Salamat as sulat mo, at sa pagbabahagi mo ng kuwento ng buhay mo. Sigurado ako marami ang nakaka-relate sa iyo na nagbabasa nitong blog ko. Kaya naman gusto ko ring bigyang hustisya ang effort mo by sharing with you my honest thoughts.

Let me tell you what I noticed as I read your letter. Una ay iyong element of indecision. Sa kuwento mo tungkol as escapades mo, particularly yung sa Alta at sa paglalaro-laro mo with your “Kuya,” I noticed the battle inside you — parang gusto mo na ayaw mo. Next element na na-notice ko sa kuwento mo ay ang hiya, or shame. Sabi mo tungkol dun sa kababalaghan sa Alta, “after I came, I ran out agad, (nag)tago. Baka makita… mukha ko.”

I’m taking notice of these 2 elements (indecision and shame) just so you can also start being more aware of the situation. Think about these feelings of indecision and shame, not to judge yourself with them, rather, take them as inspiration to delve deeper into yourself. Maaari mong itanong sa sarili mo, bakit nga ba ako di mapakali? Ano ba ang gusto ko sa pakikipag-sex sa lalake? Bakit ba ako nahihiya? Ano ang kahiya-hiya sa mga ginagawa ko? Bakit ito kahiya-hiya? The self-knowledge you will gain in asking these questions is very important. Mas makikilala mo ang sarili mo. Let your answers to these questions guide you to become a more empowered person.

Sinabi mo rin sa letter mo, “For me, pag sa guys, lust lang lahat. Madami na din ako nagiging girlfriends, and sa kanila ko nakikita ang love. Pag libog, sa guys.” Allow me to address this too, Vincent. Hindi ikaw ang unang tao na naringgan ko ng ganito. Meaning, hindi ka nag-iisa. There are other people who share your confusion. Tipo bang, you lust after lads, yet you love only ladies. May isa pa nga akong kilala, baliktad naman. Bading siya kasi sa lalake lang siya nai-in-love, pero admit niya na pagdating sa sex, prefer pa rin niya ang sugat kaysa sa ugat. Indeed, iba-iba tayo, at dahil dito, at dahil din sa sinabawang gulay, makulay ang buhay. So don’t worry about you being weird or dysfunctional. Keri lang, sabi nga. I have a feeling though that as you get to know more people, as you add more experience to your years, and with a little bit more effort on your journey to self-awareness, mas magiging malinaw sa iyo kung ano talaga ang gusto mo. The challenge really is about being totally honest with yourself. As long as you always prioritize truth over what other people might say, self-image, ego, etc., you’re on the right track, hijo.

Again, thank you for sharing your story to us, Vincent. I will leave you with one last thought: you do not need to explain yourself to others; but you owe it to yourself to know what really you want in life. You’re young and you have a lifetime in front of you. Grab it and enjoy the wonderful journey ahead.

I wish you more self-knowledge and more honesty with yourself.

World Peace!

Nagmamahal,

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Comments (38)

  1. phoenix said on 25-07-2010

    I can totally relate with this… Vincent. Thanks for sharing it… and Migs, I enjoyed reading your advice…

    “The challenge really is about being totally honest with yourself. As long as you always prioritize truth over what other people might say, self-image, ego, etc., you’re on the right track, hijo.”

    “you do not need to explain yourself to others; but you owe it to yourself to know what really you want in life. You’re young and you have a lifetime in front of you. Grab it and enjoy the wonderful journey ahead.”

    This is my first time to comment and actually read a topic here in the site and I am happy to know that I am not alone with this ~ confusion.

    Thanks!

  2. nick said on 09-01-2010

    natry q na ung pasukin aq sa loob ng cr na iihi na san aq bgla xa pumasok den lumabas aq..paglabas niya tinanong nyA bat daw aq lumabas…tsk!sayang sa manila pa man din un..kahit kiss lng sana d q pa nkuha.,..opprtunity na un eh..
    gwapo ung g..kamukha ni aron villena

  3. call me zoloft said on 18-10-2009

    there were numerous times that i wanted to write to you migs and share my innermost secrets….but after reading a few posts from this site, i felt it unnecessary to do so because i found similiraties in many ways in most of them….i take your views and the rest that are posting their comments to add to my evaluation of myself….i find it refreshing and comforting to know that what im going thru is an isolated case….hindi pala….marami rin pa lang may challenges the same as mine…..i call them challenges because i was brought up in a conforming society and of course being gay is out of the norm for the most part…..i read books on gay culture and lifestyle and realized that it isnt a lifestyle…and so is being straight….its not a lifestyle….its a preference…that’s it…plain and simple….but its easier said than done….external forces dictate most of us to wallow inside the box….parang here in the states….military rule….dont ask dont tell….pero bakit marami pa rin sa atin ang unhappy….i for one is very unhappy….the indecisiveness is triggering all of the loneliness and anxiety non acceptance of self brings….i guess lahat ng issues hindi magiging issue when you have truly embraced the fact of who and what you are….getting there is the most difficult part…..and you are absolutely right…SHAME is the most common denominator of all these heartaches and unhappiness….im not quite there yet….i just ended a 23 year marriage and now im struggling to find my way….where will i go now….do i come out and live this life i so heavily avoided….dito rin pala bagsak ko….i am so disappointed with myself as i had endured this for so long….kung hindi pa ko nalulong sa drugs hindi ko ma admit that im gay…..im not really sure about bisexual…..to a lot of people that’s a term for convenience…..to me as well…i cant see myself making love with another girl other than my wife….but i have made love with men…..so what does that make me?….im still in limbo…choosing certain situations when to be myself….i longed for the day to come that i can just be me….sexual preference and all….we all have our preferences and these preferences though consentual from both parties can also bring another dimension to the spectrum…for example dad son relationships…..its weird because i think…how gross is that?….but then i prefer it sexually…..how do you eradicate that feeling…..im not sure how….recently i found a guy that is into that….this kid made me go as far as jacking off infront of my webcam and it feels that he really enjoyed it….yet i ask myself….pambihira naman talaga…bading na gusto pa bagets…..2 complicated areas of being gay…..acceptance from society is one thing…but expression of sexual preference can be a debilitating factor depending on what the preference is…it seems that external forces play a significant role in achieving happiness….id like to know what ur readers think and feel about dad son relationships….because for some odd reason….my heart and dick are celebrating…..but my conscience is in the shit hole….yoko na ng zoloft…paxil….selexa….gusto ko na lang ng gulaman and sago……

  4. MR. East-Red Warrior said on 03-10-2009

    Tama c Migz, d ka nagiisa pre, same lang tau ganyan din
    nararamdaman ko, paglalake lust, pagbabae love, nag start sa curiosity hanggang sa lumalala, pro ok lang masaya namn ako dahil gus2 ko din namn ginagwa ko enjoy lang hehe..

  5. leo said on 25-09-2009

    nakakarelate me sa iyong kwento but kung ako ang tatanungin no romance in my experience but nagsimula sa pagiging curius pero my nagmoletsa rin sa akin ha,,,jejeje…thanks sa mga advice niyo,,,naunawaan ko na rin kung ano ang mga iyon,,,

  6. karl said on 22-09-2009

    to vincent: everything has a phase. sometimes people move on with their current phase while others grow old with it. now it’s up to you if you want to stick to that phase or take a different one. but do make sure that once you take a step forward, you’ll stick by it and not regret it afterwards.

  7. fratboi02 said on 22-09-2009

    Hey! I hope that you get to decide. Sana din you do not think of guys as parausan lang because that is one stigma about gay people that we should all try to remove…if you want to explore…go ahead and do so but make sure you are clear with your intentions and be safe all the time…

  8. prince said on 22-09-2009

    hi vincent. Perhaps, you need to finally decide on what road to take…there should only be one. Make up your mind if you’ll chase women or men. Get to know yourself more, however, don’t get anyone hurt in as much as you wouldn’t want to be hurt. Enjoy the journey of self-discovery, it is a rough ride, goodluck.

  9. silent expectator said on 21-09-2009

    Hi Migs! You caught me here “you do not need to explain yourself to others; but you owe it to yourself to know what really you want in life. You’re young and you have a lifetime in front of you”

  10. jam_c said on 21-09-2009

    mightymikee pareho tau….natawa rin ako nung nabasa ko ang ugat at ang sugatt…hehheheh

  11. pao-pao bear said on 20-09-2009

    grabe migs iba ka! i’ll email you and ask for advice din…haaay

  12. maccallister said on 20-09-2009

    bisexual ka vincent,you could do both.un nga lang di mo alam ano talaga gusto mo,and isipin mo nalang san ka mas magigigng masaya ng pang matagalan.

    decide kung ano talaga ang gusto mo,di mo palang cguro nakikita un right guy na kakainlove-an mo kaya mo nasasabi yan.

  13. pitbull said on 20-09-2009

    same here, I currently have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. boyfriend knows that I have a girlfriend, girlfriend is clueless about my secret relationship. It’s hard to live a double life but it makes you realize who your true love is… and there’s only one person who I keep dearly in my heart.

  14. echos said on 20-09-2009

    bading ka… PERIOD!!!!

  15. skye said on 19-09-2009

    akala ko ako lang ang ganito, hehe. i’ve always fallen in love with girls and yet i still lust after guys.. but i nearly fell in love with ONE guy.. and sometimes i still wonder if i would have been happy if i just answered “yes”

  16. Vincent said on 18-09-2009

    Guys, maraming salamat sa feedback niyo. Natutuwa naman ako. Salamat ulit.

    At syempre, to Migz, salamat din! Isa ka talagang henyo. Mabuhay ka!

  17. allen said on 18-09-2009

    parang naririnig ko na nagsasalita si migs habang binabasa ko to.

  18. chuvbaa@chenes.com said on 18-09-2009

    YAN ANG GUSTO KO KAY MIGS. IMPARTIAL ANG EXPLAINATION. HINDI INIIMPOSE ANG KANYANG BIASES.

  19. Ace said on 18-09-2009

    to v:

    hindi nmn kc lahat ng PLUs e talagang alam ang gusto ntin e… as in, cguro me part ng utak nia that wanted to be a part of the social norm, yun ung tungkol s apag-ibig nia sa girls. Pero me parte rin ung utak nia, ung pra s ainner self nia, that says na xa c zsazsa zaturnah, which is by the way, non-existent sa social norm! Under sa definition ng normal sa society natin dito, guy goes to girls and vice-versa, and everything in between…. is either ang lawit mo or ang biyak mo (both sa harap at sa likod)…choz…ndi, verything in between is UNFORGIVABLE, ABOMINABLE, DESPICABLE, UGLY, and anything bad, which they classify as ABNORMAL. Hayz….. Bakit ako din, nsa crossroads…? Pero okay ang topic ah Kuya Migz ah. Made me isip for a few minutes.

  20. ming said on 18-09-2009

    …and don’t forget to stay safe…

  21. i'm a narnian said on 18-09-2009

    clap, clap, clap.

  22. MrCens said on 18-09-2009

    ang galing ni migs, panalo! sana mahawaan ako ng konti sa wisdom nya…

    a fan from dubai…

  23. v said on 18-09-2009

    ding ang bato, ipahiram na kay p’reng vincent nang buong ningning niyang maibulalas ang kaniyang pagiging darnahhh!! kalukah ang ining na itey, sumusubo na’t lahat, confused pa din?

  24. ash said on 18-09-2009

    you have the awareness, next is to know which path you really want. and the knowing process may take an instant or a lifetime. but don’t take too much effort and too much investment knowing. you might get stuck at trying to discern and leaving the sea of flowers at your disposal.

  25. butterflyrhai said on 18-09-2009

    sometimes i just dnt get it, we tend to justify too much things about love, inatangible things cant be defined…

  26. BC said on 18-09-2009

    Ay nako Vincent, biktima ka ng SOCIAL CONSTRUCT of love. For you, only women are to be loved because that is how society has engineered you to think and perceive women and relationships. But there is a dissonance as to the desires of your Id and subconscious to the dominant faculty of social constructs. You like men intrinsically but you cannot fathom loving them because your mental imagery of relationships is restricted to the idea of heteronormativity.

    Sayang. Society talaga, napaka oppressive.

  27. 1mnotgay said on 18-09-2009

    We got the same situation… Libog on both sexes.. Cguro 60% sa lalaki 40% sa babae.. pero pag love.. 100% sa babae. Pag may free time lng ako nagbobrowse d2.. pag magkasama kmi ng gf ko… never ko maiicp na magbrws ng gantong site..kc panay din ang sex nmin.. hehehehe..!

  28. Winterking said on 18-09-2009

    Every person will be undergoing dyan sa dinaanan mong curiosity. even for straight guys they do measure up their dangling carrots. the thing is you are left confuse kasi yung curiosity became larger and deeper to the point na you are now discovering things that surprise you. My dear I think you need to visit your inner self and assess how strong your will power is to make a stand. for us here, we consider that as a part of discovering the world not just for being gay but the world you live in. however we introspectively asked embrace the reality of who we really are and most of us prayed here to have a peace of mind to accept things not as a shortcoming but to become a productive citizen.

    Again ikaw lang ang makapagbibigay solusyon sa kung saan mo ba gustong ituloy ang journey mo.

  29. uriel_soulfire said on 18-09-2009

    i agree with know galen. now that you’ve experienced sex with guys, it will be hard to go back to being “straight.” i’ve met several guys who, on knowing my preference, would think aloud about trying it themselves. to this i would only tell them that “trying man-to-man sex is like venturing to an uncharted region where no man has ever gone before and came back” emphasis on man, has gone and came back.

    i met someone who proudly stated that the object of his lust are guys; the object of his love are girls. which made me laugh. the two can be fused together so that the object of both can either be a guy or a girl. there is no shame if you choose to love and lust after another guy. there shouldn’t be any guilt also. if you’re undecided about your preference, then put a tight rein on your libido for a time being. sort things out. then when you’ve decided what you prefer (guhit or lawit), go for it.

  30. Leo said on 18-09-2009

    I love the last quote – “you do not need to explain yourself to others; but you owe it to yourself to know what really you want in life.” great wisdom migs. 🙂

  31. mickeyscloset said on 17-09-2009

    bongga ang view ni migs! lol ang galing mo tlaga! idol!! =) p.s, ntawa rin aq sa sugat at ugat.. me ganon? lol =)

  32. ram said on 17-09-2009

    one must choose, not only accept, his destiny. . in d process vincent:: follow ur heart,not ur mind ‘coz the heart has a mind of its own…whew. .

  33. Knox Galen said on 17-09-2009

    Ei dude. Ganito kasi yan, each and everyone of us goes through a phase. Yung iba na kagaya mo, molestya ang simula. Yung iba naman curious pero nakapagpigil. Yung mga katulad ko, nabuhay akong puro straight ang nasa paligid pero nung nadiskubre ko ang internet, nagsimula akong mag-explore.

    From the looks of it, medyo alam mo na kung ano ang gusto mong mangyari. To quote the one who introduce me to this kind of lifestyle, sabi niya sa akin, kapag tumawid ako ng bakod, mahirap na bumalik pa. Sa case mo tadtad ka na ng experience dude. Nasasarapan ka na sa pakikipagromansa sa lalaki and the moment you expose yourself to such scene, what would be keeping you from having a relationship with another guy.

    Sa tingin ko wala.

    It’s been 8 years since I had a relationship with a girl. 3 months sa unang lover ko at halos anim na taon naman sa huling partner ko. Lately, nagkakaayos kami ni ex gf. Cool na rin siya na ganito ako. Ang weird dun dude, may isang tropa kami na nagsabi na nadedevelop daw ulit si ex gf sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero na-alarma ako sa sinabi niya.

    Think of it this way, kapag sineryoso ko si ex gf assured ako ng isang matinong relasyon. Yet at the back of my head, marami na akong na-encounter na lalaki na may gf o asawa pero nakikipagsex pa rin sa kapwa lalaki. Minsan instead na babae ang kabit nila o kaya fling, lalaki ang kalaro nila pag wala si misis.

    Ayokong mangyari yun sa akin at ayokong gawin yun sa kaisa-isang taong minahal ako ng todo. Sabi ko sa kanya, maging matandang dalaga man siya, most likely andun ako na bahagi ng buhay niya.

    You are still young but time is running out dude. The more you get exposed, the higher the chances you’re just pretending to love a girl when in fact you can love a guy who can complement you in ways you’re looking for.

    The choice is yours to make.

    But I tell you Vincent, people like us evolve.

  34. ben said on 17-09-2009

    makulay ang buhay sa sinabawang gulay. lovette!!!

  35. marco_aus said on 17-09-2009

    relate ako dito.
    1st time to comment.

    swak na swak.
    parang ako to.

  36. Lloydy said on 17-09-2009

    wow.
    hindi k nga ngiisa vincent. marami tau.
    But unlike u, i never had any “escapade” with other guys yet. but i am sure, i fall for girls easily. parang lust lng talaga kpg s guys.
    parang sa dinami-dami ng mga post ni kuya migz about this matter, ito talagah ang nakatama ng sagad sa buto sa akin. Thanks for the sharing vincent! thanks for the good advice kuya migs!

  37. santino said on 17-09-2009

    Quote and Quote “The challenge really is about being totally honest with yourself. As long as you always prioritize truth over what other people might say, self-image, ego, etc., you’re on the right track, hijo.”

    Your right migs…

    Haist Vincent i share with you the same sentiment… and for me the challenge is still a challenge…

  38. Mightymikee said on 17-09-2009

    Natawa ako sa sugat at ugat.:)

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