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Gay Guy in Transition, Wondering and Wandering
Entry Feed Trackbackhi migs,
just one of your silent reader, who’s now asking for another perspective.
call me mark, turned 33 years old this year, pretty much succesful and self-made. been in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who is 10 years my senior. we met when i was 23, got together and have made a life for ourselves. it wasn’t a perfect life, we’ve had our ups and downs and our share of heartaches and joys. ive always felt that my life with him was ok, God-sent and God-willing; I know I wouldnt be where i am right now without his support and his love.
In the course of the relationship, I had unconciously/subconciously gave up my friends; especially my single friends and the late-night lifestyle. instead, i embraced my partner’s preferred life and friends. At the time it seemed perfect.
Lately however, i saw some friends on facebook, browsed their pages and somehow i felt that these friends had the life, which to my mind, I would have had (or even I should have had) had I not embraced his life and lifestyle. dreaded what-ifs are starting to show in my head.
It’s not that I resent the choice I made to be with him and embrace the life we have. NOT AT ALL.
Resent is such a strong word for something that I know I had a hand in as well. Its just my mind wandering and wondering–what ifs? and what should i do now? do i insist on re-treading a different lifestyle? or do i stick with what i have and what has worked? mind you, i dont intend on giving the relationship up, only that I take on new friends of my own and breaking away from our couple-dom. and so where do i begin?
honestly, i dont even know if i have a question, but i guess i just need an outsider’s point of view, and another perspective.
thanks
mark
Hello Mark,
You are very blessed. I say that not only because you have a wonderful relationship with your partner of 10 years, but also because you are going through one of the most exciting times of your life. Your age, and the questions that are now floating in your mind strongly suggest that you are in a life transition. Some people call it midlife, as you yourself suggested, but I prefer to call it a life transition.
Mark, keep in mind that life transitions like yours are normal. This means that there is no need to panic, and I assure you, there is nothing wrong with you or with the questions you have been thinking about. This is precisely the time when, because of your years, you have already lived quite a full life, and have achieved certain things, that other parts of your life previously on the sidelines start to make themselves felt, front and center. While this is understandably quite unnerving at first, I assure you, it is very natural.
Your what ifs, what should i do now, and other similar inquiries are part of life’s natural course; you may think of them as invitations to live a fuller life, one that is lived with more self-awareness, and if you so choose, a journey to self-actualization. What I’m saying is, huwag kang mabahala.
You are blessed, and I say this again because it seems to me that you have been given a chance to be more conscious about your life transition. Some people, for whatever reason, go through transitions without them knowing it. They think that asking questions like yours is inappropriate, or even insane, and because of that, they fail to honor the natural course of things, leading to perhaps, not being able to reap the benefits of the phase. But you are blessed because you are going through your transition with a lot of self-awareness. You know that while you are asking these questions, there are certain things you value that will not change — your love for your partner, and your loyalty to the relationship you have nurtured these past 10 years.
Having said all of that — and because you asked “where do I begin?” — I would add that this is a time for a lot of internal work. By this term “internal work” I mean those things you imagine when I say the following words: reflection, prayer, retreat, pondering, silence, rethinking, reinvention, metamorphosis. Do it in whatever way you want to do it. Let the questions you ask help you dive deep into yourself in a more powerful way, to reevaluate your values, then figure out what you want to hold on to and let go of, what you then want to take on, and then move on. All these need a lot of internal work, and yes, a lot of energy. Think of it like the caterpillar’s cocooning phase. It’s that “dark period” when the caterpillar spins a pupa around itself, immobilizes itself, so that it can transform and metamorphose into something so different, yet ironically essentially the same organism.
During this cocooning phase, I suggest for you to be very open to your partner. Intensify your communication with him, in quantity and quality. He is your partner in whatever phase in your life. Tell him about what is happening to you. He can be a very big help.
Your question about taking on new friends is quite simple. Go, have fun and mingle, and take on new friends. But I suggest before venturing out, be clear on your intentions, and be clear on what you want to achieve. Is it to escape? (And, if so, escape what?) Or is it to experience things you miss given your current set of friends? Whatever your intentions are, that’s fine, as long as you have given enough thought to it and are clear.
Lastly, let me address one emotion that may be lurking in you now, or just around the corner, just because transitions naturally evoke this particular emotion: FEAR. I’ll address it with the following words, written by a good friend, as I think it captures the essence of what I want to convey to you:
… Fear is a cycle, a natural human instinct that prepares us and propels us into greatness. When we overcome our fears (and) arrive on the other side – only greatness can happen – really. Only greatness, because we have taken them on, dealt with them as best we could and regardless of how it turned out, we arrived on the other side much more knowledgeable than we ever were when we started.
What a wonderful gift from God – this FEAR.
It compels us to be present; to be our best; to show up; and to pay attention.
It has so much in common with LOVE – 4 letters, two vowels/two consonants, intermingled with emotion, the basic drivers of everything we do, and both are just so amazingly rewarding when we allow ourselves to experience them and live our lives through them.
Really.
You are blessed, Mark. I wish you all the best!
With love,
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its actually ur choice, just know ur purposes and real intentions, and consider ur relationship lucky, sometimes we tend to find things that are not into the relationship only to find out when its gone we did not really need the other things we were looking for coz we had the perfect pieces already put together, in short we cant have it all, still balance is the key…
butterflyrhai at Sep 23, 09 at 2:38 am
thanks to the letter sender and migs…
…a fan from dubai
MrCens at Sep 23, 09 at 3:14 am
dont worry, your not missing to much, kudos for the fab lovelife
sam at Sep 23, 09 at 3:25 am
very well said Migs…Amen! =) so much wisdom…=)
ganda lang at Sep 23, 09 at 3:34 am
I agree with Migs. People change. Realizing this and not being afraid of it is very important. Life is about change. What you deem valuable in life changes every time and it is important to be self-aware about it. What do you value more? Freedom, security, career, love, recognition, consistency etc…. which ranks the highest at this point in your life? ( some of these values are at odds with each other, like freedom and security/ career typically are not a good mix).
Tell your partner about the change that you are longing for… with 10 years of being together, I can only assume that you guys are supportive and understanding of each other. Talking about this shouldn’t be that hard with 10 years under your belt.
Change is good. Even change for the sake of change is good… as this gives way to (personal) growth and learning. At the end of the day, that is what is important as hopefully this will lead you to become a better person.
Tony at Sep 23, 09 at 3:50 am
having a strong loving relationship is way better than the single life you thought you had missed…
carl at Sep 23, 09 at 6:15 am
believe me, you are too old to be single again. gays out there are looking for young, young, young.
mark at Sep 23, 09 at 8:22 am
Let’s use the tired cliché: “the grass is always greener on the other side”, that applies to this guy’s dilemma.
imladris at Sep 23, 09 at 12:03 pm
although endi ka astronaut, kelangan mo lang cguro ng ’space’ muna, din contemplate ng bonggang-bongga. .
ram at Sep 23, 09 at 3:15 pm
sometimes, the grass is greener on the other side because of the “shit” underneath it. kala mo lang maganda pero mabaho din pala sa loob nun. hope u got the analogy, mark, hehe
mark erik at Sep 23, 09 at 3:29 pm
This is a story that only tells everybody – human satisfaction is limitless – a never -ending quest .
Migs was saying that Mark is very lucky and he is just experiencing life transition. This could be true but we also have to recognize that dissatisfaction, as part of a human tendency, plays the bigger role in Mark’s life. To remedy the situation, spicing up the relationship is an option. But for how long?
It is very unfair to Mark’s partner if he will not tell him his true feeling. What if the feeling is mutual? Moreover, what if said problem could be remedied by teamwork.
I have gone a series of relationship lasting for 5 to 7 years. But I believe that a love story, most often than not, has to end if needed. Mark, just be truthful with yourself. Life is so short and we need to enjoy it to the fullest. You have to decide… go on with your present life or find things that you yourself are looking for. Whatever path of life you will follow, I wish you happiness and fulfillment in life.
alex cruz at Sep 23, 09 at 6:04 pm
I was in a relationship with a guy for 11 years. We met in high school – he was 17, I was 18. When we fought or he was unkind to me, I used to think that there must be a better life out there. Then he broke up with me this year, and I look back and realise how lucky I was. Embrace your life and appreciate everything you have – even the bad bits. Think very, very hard before you change things. Having said that, it is healthy to have your own life within the bounds of the relationship.
Tim at Sep 23, 09 at 7:42 pm
Well our ATE already said most of the good part heheh probably I will just add some personal lines that I use to preach to friends who were “tied” and have a definition of “life”
I remember when I was browsing my tarot card, I kept on wondering why is this the Moon card arcana is so mysterious to me. I research about the meaning of this card and I was surprise to know that its about the polarity of one self that you cannot ignore and/ or live without it. I thought that any bad thing that might ruin me should be changed. But its not like what I thought. Its part of our growth. its a journey of self-actualization and acceptance. The yin will not exist without the yang nor define darkness without light and friendship without friends.
People usually do this. They make their partner center of their solar system. everything around him should be perfect.
Migs said it right that transition from being single to partnered life requires time and patience” BUT ask yourself.. are you still “growing” along with this transition?
You know what, You need to work on the TRUST part.
Winterking at Sep 23, 09 at 9:02 pm
More podcast puhleeeeeeeeeze!!!
Spring Sonata at Sep 24, 09 at 12:52 am
firstly, kudos to migs for giving such a knowledgeable insight on your situation mark. Migs is right, you are definitely blessed. Not everyone of us is given the privilege to experience a wonderful relationship like the one you have. You are in a phase of looking beyond the confines of your current state. Mind you, not everything at the other side of the fence is greener, so that value more what you have now and put your what-ifs in the bin. Share all your fears to your partner, it might make such load easier for you to figure out.
prince at Sep 24, 09 at 1:35 am
firstly, kudos to migs for giving such a knowledgeable insight on your situation mark. Migs is right, you are definitely blessed. Not everyone of us is given the privilege to experience a wonderful relationship like the one you have. You are in a phase of looking beyond the confines of your current state. Mind you, not everything at the other side of the fence is greener, so that value more what you have now and put your what-ifs in the bin. Share all your fears to your partner, it might make such load easier for you to figure out.
prince at Sep 24, 09 at 1:35 am
Migs is right. Your feelings and questions are normal. Those of us who underwent this phase can attest, dumadating talaga yan sa buhay ng kahit sinong bakla or straight. I identify with you, I had a long-term relationship with a guy much older than me and I was also in my early 20s when I did. The relationship defined me rather than me defining half of the relationship, kaya di nag-work. I felt incomplete. And when I sought things to complete me, my ex did not understand. kaya importante na sabihin mo ng malinaw at palagi sa partner mo what youre going through. Goodluck!
Raymond at Sep 24, 09 at 4:48 pm
winner ang fear and love description! bow ako
pao-pao bear at Sep 25, 09 at 12:18 am
This is wonderful. I’ve never viewed fear this way which is almost in positive light. All I knew was that fear is love’s direct adversary; that when fear thrives, love is not fully consumed. And this I had been reminded of just now … that binary opposites (e.g. optimism and pessimism, happiness and sadness, chaos and peace, fear and love etc.) exist or else neither of which could exist. This would send me to some more reflection.
Cheers, yet again for Migs … and to Mark, I wish you all the best.
helios at Sep 28, 09 at 4:44 pm