Manila Gay Guy
  • facebook

Dear Manila Gay Guy,

Thank you for widening the scope of the website even more. For a straight-acting gay dude, it’s difficult for many people to make them understand the mind of a gay man. Automatically, they would assume the effeminate side of being gay. And I feel guilty for even pointing that clearly out because it sounds as if I’m discriminating against our effeminate brothers. They are just like us.

Having gone through 2 courses in college and on my way to achieving my MA degree, I surprise myself that I couldn’t muster the strength to tell people I’m gay.. I did not deny my sexuality–it was just there. I don’t think a lot of people know I’m gay–I’m sure of that and that’s okay with me. I used to pretend I’m living in a soap opera life where my sexuality is something that boils in the back burner. It’s not something I would like people to draw attention to but it’s something worth noting that it exists.

Many people do not — cannot — comprehend the complexity of gay loneliness. Our loneliness stems from fear and questioning — about why we are really in this world. The only time I denied my sexuality was when a close female friend asked me if I were. Almost immediately it was as if my heart sank to my knees. I was confused whether to laugh while saying no or to appear serious while saying yes. Come to think of it, I should’ve said yes and laughed, which I think is what a typical coming-out reaction should be.

Lately, the news about the denial of the LGBT from representing in the elections and all these stiff-lipped bigoted straight authorities that shared their views about how tainted homosexuality is, made me want to reach into the computer and strangle the heck out of those people. Gay people are not full of hate. Then why are these bigots full of them. As if the life of a gay man isn’t filled with enough problems, then this came a long. But this action made by the LGBT to step up a notch and react even more was long overdue. I was desperately looking for something or someone to pour out my fears and frustrations at and it dawned on me — I was alone. Thank heavens for Manila Gay Guy. Thank the universe that the website is done with taste and professionalism — something that would prove gay people aren’t at all that flaming queers. Then I remembered why I wanted to act straight while being gay, I remembered all the reasons why I should go to the gym and workout everyday and not just to catch attention from all the probables. There should be another word for straight-acting because it sounds as if we are pretending to be straight as a cucumber. I wanted to appear strong and independent as if I’m a reed standing stately against the wind. I know that someday, I would have to face reality and make people see who I really am. I want to make people see, not just tell them. I know–we know–we are not immune to discrimination, to hatred, to lonelines and anger–we just need to prove more to ourselves than to other people that we can endure. But frankly speaking, I’m just tired. It’s website like yours that give me the strength to just acknowledge even for one friggin’ second of my day we exist and I’m not alone. Kudos.

– KDA

* * *

Dear KDA, I am happy to know how you’ve found comfort in my blog; even till now, more than 3 years since I started this, I have not fully comprehended the wonders of having such an active reader community. The community that has grown around MGG the blog is phenomenal, because everyone has his own opinion and is enthusiastic to share. We are diverse, yet one. Yes, you are not alone. So come sit with us, observe with us, debate and discuss with us, and in the end, however different our views or positions may turn out to be, I am sure that in our heart of hearts, we are joined as one. World Peace! ~Migs

Comments (30)

  1. NONO said on 09-12-2010

    Mga bading, take it from an old hag being gay for me is a blessing why, when I realized I am gay, I made it a point that no matter what endeavor I will take, I promised my self to be exceptional if not perfect. Labels are to be ignored if you want to survive in this cruel world. Straight acting, sissy, transvestite or what is nothing once you have accepted who you are. Acceptance from others? To hell with it as long as you are not hurting your fellow human beings. Just follow the golden rule. On the lighter side it is not true that all cucumber are straight, it comes in different shapes sizes and forms. Some are even curly….

  2. geek-o said on 08-07-2010

    very well said, kudos to you!
    we should very well alleviate the terms to which the society looks upon us…
    we are a proud people, we have dignity and we are a precious fiber of the society!

    proud of you dude!

  3. ANDRES PEREZ said on 25-03-2010

    AGREE AKO SA DEFINITION NG STRYT-ACTING “STRONG N INDEPENDENT”,CGURO KASI,HABANG BUHAY PANININDIGAN KUNG GANITO AKO! TAGO! D KO ALAM HANGGAN SAAN HANGAN KAILAN KO DALDALHIN ANG LIHIM KO..BAHALA NA!BASTA NAGEENJOY AKO SA KALIWAT KANAN NA ADVENTURE KO..KAGAYA NYA,NAGPAPAGANDA NG KATAWAN PARA TAWAG ATENSYUN AT MY ETSURA NAMAN AKO..YUN IMPORTANTE.BASTA ENJOY LIFE.’

  4. Luvkou said on 16-02-2010

    Yes, I agree that loneliness is part of being a gay guy… but it’s you (us PLUs) who only can make the difference! There are as many wholesome as there are as many other ways to change that ugly sadness gripping us.
    Most of the time, it is our own fault or mistake that really drives us to that state.
    Let’s seek our own level, not denying but tempering our urge, in the most discreet and decent manners.

  5. maccallister said on 27-01-2010

    loneliness is part of being a gay guy….

  6. kda said on 28-12-2009

    my previous post was for spf15-37 and for everyone else single in here.

  7. kda said on 28-12-2009

    Heck yes you should remain hopeful, I mean, there is no reason not to. Until we are here, hope is the only thing we keep under our pillows.

  8. bluelightninglad said on 04-12-2009

    Wow. Everyone’s single. 🙂

  9. spf15-37 said on 03-12-2009

    i am 37, single, masculine and self-made. I guess we all want to have someone to share our successes and challenges with. Been single for quite some tome now, should i remain hopeful?

  10. KDA said on 02-12-2009

    @bluelightninglad

    Yes, I’m single.

    @phillip

    Masculine is actually a perfect word…thanks. I wanted the word discreet but it would sound so derogatory as well, as if we are embarrassed of who we are.

  11. jiles said on 01-12-2009

    in due time..
    where worries are a few,
    where dreams are new.

  12. philip said on 30-11-2009

    oh, and yah.
    the fear of getting judge based purely on our sexuality is totally out of whack.
    i mean, why not get to know us first before judging us, right?
    badtrip nga lang kasi minsan kahit kilala ka na nung taong pagsasabihan m na un nga, gay ka, mababago at mababago pa rin pagtingin at pagtrato nila sayo.
    eh sometimes lang naman un, mas aus pa din kung alam nila kung ano ka tlga.
    haha.
    and when you find those people who would accept everything about your persona without any bias whatsoever, SOBRANG SAYA, in a sense na u know you don’t have to be anyone else just to please them ’cause being who you are already pleases them.
    aun, this coming from a 16 year old. haha.
    won’t mean much but i wanted to express myself… so there. 🙂

  13. philip said on 30-11-2009

    use masculine instead of straight-acting.
    hehe.
    i watched an episode of tyra and there it was, classifications of the gay community (not all were presented though, i think).
    they mentioned the masculine gays, feminine gays, the drag queens, transgenders, lipstick lesbians (feminine), (i forgot what they used to call the masculine lesbians. hehe.), bisexuals (na nadiscriminate kasi most don’t believe there’s such a thing), etc.
    so there, we have the feminine and the MASCULINE gay guys.
    of course we could coin another term if ever we want one. :))

  14. bluelightninglad said on 28-11-2009

    KDA, single ka? 🙂

  15. Alex said on 27-11-2009

    @hello – i truly believe that you have done the right thing. coming out to your friends is the first right step. i understand the difficulty of coming to your family. that had been my dilemma too (same family background). but you know what? your family may not be vocal about it but trust me, they have a way of knowing what your orientation and preference really are. you’d be surprised that by the time you come out to them, they’ll just shrug their shoulders and tell you “ay salamat, bakit ngayon lang?”.

    @Fritz – no, what you said is very significant. because it is so darn correct. to be honest, i would sometimes feel that the most painful discrimination of a discreet gay guy gets is mostly from the PLUs themselves. why? because we have set up so many walls and barriers around ourselves that the only way to reach us is by bitching our ways around. now, don’t tell me that i am wrong. because you know well that i am correct. to say the opposite is by itself an expression of one’s bitchiness again.

  16. itsonsms said on 26-11-2009

    well straight acting is not a word… It’s a phrase coined by a very much gay filipino guy who discriminates his own kind… I really find it distasteful… We are gay… We all bat for the team on the other side of the fence… Maybe we should start with ourselves first… Enlighten the discriminators among our kind before dealing with old men with archaic concepts of homosexuality… Frapuccino, cappucino, espresso or cafe au lait?.. Tastes different from one another but they’re all coffee coming from the same bean…. Just grinded and prepared differently…

  17. macmac017 said on 26-11-2009

    [at] mang inasal: oo nga parehas tayo ng dilemma. im just only 17 kaso yan din yung kinakakatakot ko. Mabilis lng ang panahon kya cguradong itatanong din sakin nyan balang araw. Tapos sasabihin pa nila ang gwapo mo nman tpos ala k png girlfriend. o diba nkaka-insulto yun. pero bahala na. susundin ko ung ikakasaya ko. =]

  18. tigerlily said on 26-11-2009

    ladlad o hindi ang importante kung saan ka mas magiging masaya at komportable,nakatira tayo sa isang mundo na mapanghusga.sabagay bkla man o hndi minsan madaling husgahan mas prone nga lang ang mga bading sa mga ganyan.kase para sakin laht ng bading inborn ang pagiging malakas,nakukuha natin ang gusto natin kung pagsisikapan lng natin,sa kahit anong bagay na gusto natin makuha binibagay natin dun ang buong puso natin like love(hindi nga lng ganun kaswerte),especially sa career. nagiging succesful ang mga gays sa ano mang piliin nila na field,Para sa akin mga taong insecure at close minded lng ang nanghuhusga sa mga gaya natin,dahil magaling tyo dahil lagi tyo may dedikasyon at puso sa gingawa natin.we are always a winner:)So kung saan ka mas magiging masaya Go.Kung gusto mo mainlove sa guy,Go! wag mo iisipin ang sasabihin ng ibang tao ang importante alam mo at gagawin mo kung ano makakapagpasaya sayo dahil buhay mo yan. kung mahal ka talaga ng mga taong nakapaligid sayo bilang ikaw maiintindihan ka nila at magiging masaya din sila para sayao:)

  19. pacer150 said on 26-11-2009

    @ man inasal,

    you’re only 20, you still have plenty of reasons to give..what if you are already 37 like me with a very stable job but still haven’t got a GF..bata ka pa hijo..

  20. Fritz said on 26-11-2009

    The funny thing about people like us is that there are thousands, maybe even millions or billions in this earth but most of us still feel alone… wala lang… may masabi lang 🙂

  21. Dennis said on 25-11-2009

    yeah same prob.
    pero sa totoo lang mas masarap pang kasama ung mga straight than straigt acting gay guys. mas ramdam ko kc ung yabang at pagiging unreal ng mga pa macho and pa “demanding type” gays. sorry if parang wala sa topic ung sinabi ko…

  22. CM said on 25-11-2009

    @mang inasal…. just wondering that you are using company name…thats your choice anyway…

    i can also relate to those experiences…guys di kayo nag iisa….were thousands out there with the sane dilema…

  23. bunwich said on 25-11-2009

    coming out to others does not require you to act differently as well..what you really are inside matters.

  24. MrCens said on 25-11-2009

    MGGFF is a good venue to exchange opinions too! Hope you guys can find time to join us…

    an avid reader from Dubai

  25. Flo said on 25-11-2009

    When will the part 3 of the CC fabcast episode be published? 🙂

  26. mn said on 25-11-2009

    well, i just tell them that i want to focus first on my career hehehe

  27. mang inasal said on 25-11-2009

    what do you say when people ask you why you still don’t have a girlfriend? and you’re already 20! all your friends got their girls. and you fall for a guy. the heck. that’s my dilemma.

  28. guyrony said on 25-11-2009

    Well the most important thing is to definitely stay happy. Fear is omnipresent in such multitude of forms, but fear can provide you courage, more than you know. In due time it will all be resolved, just hang in there because life is always sweeter for those who wait for the perfect time. 🙂

  29. Hello said on 25-11-2009

    I’m straight-acting too. Two years ago, i made the most difficult decision of my life. I told my friends that i am gay. These are the friends i had since high school. They’re straight and homophobes. But when i came out to them, they readily accepted me. Although my bestfriend and I kind of grew apart.
    After that, I started telling all the people close to me. They accepted and and most of them became even closer to me. I still haven’t told my family though. Because i’m a Filipino-Chinese and it’s not acceptable in a Chinese family to be gay.

    Nonetheless, coming was very very tough. It was like jumping off a cliff and not knowing whether i’d hit the water or the rocks.

    Thank God, he didn’t allow me to hit the rocks. Actually, it was the best decision i ever made. I’m still me. I still act straight. My preferences for things haven’t changed. It’s just that, now, i’m a lot happier. and most of my friends know i’m gay. Some of them still doubt if i’m really gay though. I don’t know why. maybe it’s because i don’t talk about guys or even girls a lot.

    After coming out, I still have issues about having relationships with guys. Don’t get me wrong. I love guys. I just couldn’t imagine myself being with guys because i got so used to seeing them as friends.

    I’m also kind of introverted. I’m only relaxed around friends. Over the years, i’ve become wary of befriending people easily and getting too close. Specially with straight guys. I learned not to get to close to them for fear that i’d have feelings for them. And believe me, having feelings for a straight guy is the hardest thing to deal with– loving someone who you know you’ll never have a chance to be with.

    So over the years, i learned to kept my distance from people. Eventually many of my friendships are shallow and superficial. Now, i am struggling to overcome my fear of intimacy. Thank God my friends are not afraid to show me how much they love me even at times when i try to subconsciously push them away. They still stick and they’re still around.

    I’m learning. I’m learning to love myself and accept the fact that i am loved. i’m learning to accept everything about me. This might take years but i already took the first few difficult steps.

    I guess the biggest issue that i had to face was my sexuality. After that, i can now deal with the many issues that i accumulated throughout the years. I’m slowly dealing with them one by one.

    I met some people and the possibility of having a relationship with a guy isn’t as far fetched as i initially thought. (parang 4 o 5 lang yata gay friends ko eh. pero ok lang. may mamemeet pa ako sa future hehe).

    Presently, I’m close to this guy. We’re not in a relationship but i do think i have feelings for him. he’s also straight-acting. I still don’t know if i’m ready for a relationship with him but i do know that it perfectly alright to love a guy. So i’m getting there. 🙂

    In the end, i realized that our fears make things bigger than they really are. Fear twists our senses and minds into believing that we are a lot less capable and courageous than we really are. Once we begin facing our fears one by one, we eventually become greater than our fears.

    heyemailhere@gmail.com

  30. toto said on 25-11-2009

    I am one of those guys who have not yet come out, who find it damn difficult to come out. Imaginary fears, yes, but still frightening.
    ..

    Again and again, I have assured myself that I am not alone, that there are thousands of guys like me who are still lurking inside their freezing closets.
    ..

    And so, my midnight or early-morning peeks at MGG’s site are a thrill and a relief.
    ..

    Thank you, MGG.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *