I am writing to you para maliwanagan ako sa lahat ng nangyari sakin. My name is Yours (a loan word from my true name so basically not really my real name, just sounded like my nickname. Actually there is a unique spelling of that nickname but to protect my privacy i just loaned the word as well as the spelling), 20 from Cebu. To be honest, I am bothered right now kung sino ba talaga ako lalo pa’t parang nagkagusto na ako sa kapwa ko lalaki na ang pangalan ay Emman (not his true name).
Emman’s dad and my dad are bestfriends, actually para silang magkapatid. Christian pastor ang dad nya and he is from strict and conservative family in fact, his dad is the reason why my family became Born again Christians. Nagkakilala kami nung bata palang kami,and Emman is a shy type of person, di ako gaanong nakikipaghalubilo sa kanya noon kasi I feel awkward kasi if kakausapin mu xa kasi nga tahimik tsaka parang maarte ang dating. When I was in second year high school and he was on junior high, lumipat cla sa lugar namin, so malapit na yung bahay nila sa amin, nagpatayo kasi sila ng bahay sa lugar ng kanyang dad (ang dad nya at dad ko ay magkababata, so magkapitbahay sila ng dad ko at ang dad nya nuon). Mula nuon, I frequented on their house, duon ko nakilala ng lubos c Emman. kinakausap ko na xa tapos mabait pala xa pag kausap ko na, then palabiro din pala xa. Nung una, nakakailang talaga kasi nga tahimik lang xa pero he would put jokes everytime na may pag uusapan kami. Marami xang mga kwentong nakakatawa na hango sa kanyang mga everyday experience sa school. Masaya talaga xang kausap, pero minsan seryoso. Masaya ako pagkinausap nya ako kasi that indicates na gusto din nyang kausapin ako. For me, its just such an honor na kausapin nya ako…and thats so weird para sakin. As time goes by, nag graduate na xa ng high school tapos ako 4th year pa, dun talaga nagsimula ang lahat nung nasa college na xa, at high school naman ako. I just dont know sa feeling ko, and I wasnt sure about it coz hinahanap hanap ko na xa araw2x. Araw2x pumupunta ako sa bahay nila, minsan pa nga doon na ako matutulog kasi sometimes ginagabi xa sa school. One time na dun ako sa kwarto nya nakatulog, and then d ko namanlayan na dumating na pala xa. Then in the middle of the night nagising ako na nasa kama na xa at katabi ko na. tiningnan ko xa sa mukha, and at the back of my mind I asked myself “Am I in love with this guy?, bakit ba hinahanap-hanap ko ang mokong na to, bat ako naghihintay sa kanyang pagdating?”. Swear to God, its not about sex that I after, but there was just something that really bothered me a lot until to the point that I asked myself if im gay. This really made me so devastated because I cant accept the fact na bakla ako or may feminine side ako. I dont really know kung bakit at paano nangyari ang lahat. Nung nalaman ko straight from her sister na may GF na xa, I was really shocked and pretended na masaya ako para sa kanya but the truth is, i was hurt. I felt that there is a need for me to overcome on that thing. I could not deny it. It was a feeling I could not identify accurately. Whenever he laughed over a joke with other churchmates na mga girls, that emotion filled my senses. It took me a while before identified it. I was in love; the feeling was jealousy. I felt the need to express it. But, I was afraid…that he would dismiss my feeling, that we would be stuck in an embarrassing situation, that our long nurtured friendship would crumble…therefore, I kept quiet. Pero nasasaktan talaga ako pag may mga babaeng nagpaparamdam nag pagkagusto sa kanya. Di ko nakuha ang attention nya and d nya rin napansin ang mga paramdam ko. Nahihirapan ako, I even hated myself that time because there was just an urgency for me to tell it to him, but I dont want na he would ask me if gay ba ako. Until such time na nakadesisyon na akong sabihin sa kanya. Nung panahong yun ay d ko na xa masyadong makikita sa bahay nila kasi nursing student kasi xa noon then duty xa sa gabi then tulog pag umaga. So I decided to na sabihin na para malaman na din nya ito. And I sent him a message sa kanyang friendster account. Everytthing was explained at sinabi ko sa kanya na nasa state of identity crisis ako and that parang nagkagusto na ako sa kanya. I told him that its impossible na he would also treat me in the same way as I am at sinabi ko rin sa msg na sana he will stay like before after knowing all of those. Nagreply xa, and that was positive, but he never told me that he felt the same way as i am and I never expected that answer from him. Napaiyak talaga ako, as in a baby cry, hagulhol talaga sa loob ng kwarto ko dahil sa sinabi nya. He told me that he understands me and that he will stay as a friend like before. But he wanted me to overcome the feeling as that is really impossible na mangyari. He wanted me to ask for God’s help and he will pray for me to. I just dont know bakit gusto kung talikuran ang aking abnormal na feeling pero gusto ko pa rin xa, I mean I want to turn my back sa feminine side ko but I also want him at the same time. I was devastated, in fact, I hate the kind of life i have right now. I dont want to end up lying to everybody about my reall identity kasi so far c Emman lang ang nakakaalam, he assured me that he will keep that in strictest confidence. Mula noon, paranng napansin ko na parang may gap na namuo sa amin, parang maiilang na xa. Pero I tried to reinstate the friendship we had. D naglaon, parang nakalimutan na din nya ang lahat. Back to normal. But my feeling is still there, gusto ko parin xa I dont know para ano pa nga ba. Gusto ko kalimotan xa pero d ko kayang magawa. Para na kasing magkapatid turingan namin then parang na guilty ako sa sarili ko dahil dun, nahiya na rin sa ako sa Dyos. Sa tingin mu migz, ano nga ba ang effective na paraan para makalimotan at ma overcome ko xa?I know na d ako normal na lalaki, pero everytime na remember ko xa, I cant get over. Should I tell him na d pa ako naka getover sa kanya? Or is that necessary to say? Am I considered crazy? Am I acting so stupid and should I stop this madness? I cant just push through because Im stuck. Please advise. Nahirapan na din ako sa sarili ko kasi Im guilty din kasi I feel na Im so bad that I lied to everyone about my sexuality. Your reply is highly appreciated.
I won’t ask you to even consider trying to rip out your feelings toward your friend. It is possible, yet difficult, and quite frankly, unnatural. I’d rather ask you to keep at it, pursue him if your heart tells you that’s what you want to do. In the background though, notice how you are — take some time in taking a third party look at the situation, observe yourself from a different point of view, notice what feelings surface as you see yourself do what you’re doing. Do you like what you see? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Your answers to these questions may help you answer your own questions about what to do about revealing your feelings to Emman, about how you want to move this forward.
Also, there is a word I have long been meditating on, that I want to share with you now. It is the word “detachment.” Some may feel a bit of negative vibe with this, but I tell you, detachment is a beautiful thing. Detachment for me doesn’t mean indifference. It means being able to be passionate about something and yet at the same time, having the ability to peacefully accept whatever it is that happens in the end. It’s about having the humility to accept that there are so many variables in the equation, and not everything can be achieved just by working hard on it, or by thinking that you are entitled to it because you are this and that. Life is full of these complex things. Being able to detach one’s self from the fruits of our labor, our pseudo-urgent wants, even from those we feel so much for, is an act of humility.
I wish you the gift of self-awareness, the gift of humility, and the gift of fortitude.