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Abrazos in New York City (3)
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Back in college, there was this one moment I particularly remember when Joseph and I was killing time in our tambayan in UP. I remember how happy we were that time, for reasons that escape me now. What made that day memorable was, as we were talking, exchanging stories, somebody called our attention.
“Huy, Migs! Joseph! Ang sweet ninyo naman, magka-holding hands pa kayo.”
And there we were, both surprised, holding our breath and wondering how it all happened unconsciously– my right hand in his left, spaces between my fingers filled by his, interlocked.
Yes, all along, without even knowing it, there was intimacy between Joseph and me. The light touches here and there, on the arms, knees, and thighs, while catching up on each other, enjoying red wine at Cav. His hands over my shoulders, tapping, and his warm breath on my ears, whispering, as we watched the last Eraserheads concert in MOA. His gentlemanly gesture of walking me to my car as we ended one evening of dinner and drinks in Serendra. And most recently, when he picked me up at the JFK airport, on our way to his apartment, while catching up, I felt him so close, so connected, his face merely an inch away from mine, as the whole world dissolved in oblivion, as if nothing in the universe existed but Joseph and me.
Dave, a close friend, was able to observe Joseph and me in New York. He was one of those I mingled and toured with while in the Big Apple, so naturally he saw how Joseph and I interacted. I had a chance to talk to him about my situation with Joseph.
“Dave, what do you think of Joseph and I?”
“Migs, I can sense your deep connection with him, and him to you.”
And I wasn’t able to keep my thoughts from becoming spoken words:
“Dave, do you think Joseph is gay too?”
“Importante pa ba yun, Migs? Kung ano man iyang mayroon kayo, kung ano man yan — hindi ba ang sarap ng may ganyan?”
I was silent. But inside, I was feeling victorious. Dave was echoing what my heart was feeling, and couldn’t turn into words. I love Joseph, and I’m happy with what we now have — no more, no less.
Joseph shared with me that in a relationship he needed physical intimacy. I did not tell him but I know I need that too. In my mind then, I know we cannot be together. He’s in NYC, and I shuttle between Manila and California. If only the world were smaller. Yet I wished it was bigger too, so it has space for what Joseph and I have.
On the day I was leaving NYC, Joseph logged out earlier at his hospital. “Migs, ihahatid kita sa airport ha. Wait for me, I’ll be home by 4pm.”
Almost on the dot, he was there, as I was finishing up packing my bag.
“Sana, nag-extend ka dito,” said Joseph, which I answered with a smile. “Kuwentuhan pa tayo, kahit gabi-gabi. Kasi Migs, after all these years, andun pa rin. Hindi pa rin tayo nagbago. Ramdam ko pa rin.” To which I replied with a pathetic, “oo nga eh.” Bags packed, coats worn, we then walked out into the cold, busy NYC streets.
At the JFK airport, a christmas song was playing.
“O paano, next year ulit?” Joseph asked.
“Definitely!” I answered.
“November?”
“Maybe. Maybe even earlier.”
“Or I visit you in California.”
“Sure!”
Then, the abrazos. It was tight, bittersweet, and strong. I love Joseph, and I know he loved me too. This thing that we have is beautiful, and I appreciate it as it is.
I left NYC happy, with a resolve to just continue to appreciate what Joseph and I have. And for me to do so, I compartmentalize. I leave that chapter behind and continue my life, either in California or in Manila, without Joseph. I was feeling good about the resolve. It’s working for me.
Until I opened my inbox the day after I arrived back in California.
An email from Joseph. This will be harder than I thought.
Possibly Related Posts:
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- Abrazos with Joseph Tila ba nagmula sa kawalan ng kalawakan, biglang may nag-text...
- Abrazos with Joseph — in November? Nakakatuwa ang mga bagay na di inaasahan. O kaya, yung...
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Ang Kyot ni Koya
Guess that Pinoy Celebrity Butt
Migs interviews Janvier Daily
will it be a happy ending, after all? hayyy. sana naman.
markerik at Dec 16, 09 at 2:01 pm
migs, greencard ka ba? o tourist visa holder? eh si joseph, working visa o green card na?
mbogs at Dec 16, 09 at 4:37 pm
I can’t help but remember those old days.
Does happy ending really exist?
nvrnrvn at Dec 16, 09 at 5:21 pm
bitin! more more ! =p
chuckie at Dec 16, 09 at 9:58 pm
parang tipong maiimagine mo na ang nagkukwento nito isang matandang guy na who is at that moment holding the hand of his longterm partner/lover/bestfriend/soulmate… parang pang-grow old with you
sana nga happy ending na 
zziq at Dec 16, 09 at 10:29 pm
amazing Migs!! very inspiring and kilig =)
weno at Dec 16, 09 at 11:02 pm
Migs, hindi pinapakawalan ang ganyang klaseng relationship.
bluelightninglad at Dec 16, 09 at 11:27 pm
ANO ANG NAKASULAT SA EMAIL????!!! %$#%$#&^%&^%#&@^%$&!!!!!!
sensya na, nabitin lang. LOL..
Taekopenk at Dec 16, 09 at 11:45 pm
Hindi ko maintindihan bakit ako naiiyak sa post na to. Siguro kasi, albeit briefly, I saw the deep connection that Dave talked about, with my own two eyes. It really sucks that the distance is too large and travel times are too long – and please, don’t even get me started with time difference. Buntong hininga na lang, ‘pre.
Tristan Tan at Dec 17, 09 at 12:05 am
Awww, cliffhanger talaga.
prosti at Dec 17, 09 at 12:11 am
this story is sooo kilig. i am happy for you miggs. sana happy ending ito.
babitter at Dec 17, 09 at 5:12 am
hearthugs. the world is already small! i wish you all the best.
i love the cliffhanger effect. LOL
feeling ko nagtapat siya ng bonggang bongga niyang pagmamahal sa iyo.
i'm a narnian at Dec 17, 09 at 9:30 am
@tristan – oo nga pala, you met Joseph when we saw each other at Jollibee Queens. i kind of know why you felt emotional; familiar, right?
@narnian – hearthugs din!
@mbogs – working visa for me; same with joseph.
@nvrnrvn – i believe in a happy journey, regardless of how it ends.
migs at Dec 17, 09 at 10:30 am
I love happy endings especially this season of love and giving. Wish you all the best, Migs. And Joseph too.
ric at Dec 17, 09 at 10:35 am
i like the feel of this story. It reminds me of how I used to be.
Broken_Heart at Dec 17, 09 at 1:18 pm
@Broken_Heart – Thanks! I’m curious, how you were before (“reminds me how I used to be”). I’m asking because I feel it’s good to connect with others who share the same experience. *hugs*
migs at Dec 17, 09 at 1:38 pm
I hope it goes well too. Best wishes to you and Joseph.
guyrony at Dec 17, 09 at 7:42 pm
i’ve been an avid reader of your blog. to me its such an interesting and informative blog.
goog job…migs
more power..
mwah!
pj polito at Dec 17, 09 at 11:02 pm
“If only the world were smaller. Yet I wished it was bigger too, so it has space for what Joseph and I have.”
ang sweet naman!
timothy at Dec 18, 09 at 3:53 pm
kainggit ka migs!
patrick at Dec 19, 09 at 11:36 am
parang may disconnect from “Abrazos 2″ and “Abrazos 3″
after “i like you, i like you…” what happened?
naging flashback from UP na naman. :-O
naiiyak na ko…
Fishy at Dec 19, 09 at 12:51 pm
awwwww….. sana naman go for gold na itong love story na ito. i have an ending on my mind pero baka spoiler ang approach, huwag na lang!
tell me more, tell me more…. =)
magman at Dec 21, 09 at 5:11 am
What was in the email?…ahhh I know, dont tell me he sent you a naked pic?…lol
RV65 at Dec 25, 09 at 11:55 am
gandang love story migs! cheers.
miko at Jul 13, 10 at 3:14 pm