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Pasko at ang nagbalik na seaman
Entry Feed TrackbackDear Migs and all MGG readers,
Bunga lang ba ng malamig na temperatura sa panahon ng Pasko at may mga tao na bigla na lang gugulo ng buhay mo o sadyang mahilig lang talagang mang-asar ang tadhana?
Itong nakaraang linggo ay sunod-sunod ang mga di inaasahang pangyayari na sadyang nagpa-tambling ng isip ko’t damdamin. I have been seeing someone for almost several months now and have been quietly developing a deepening relationship with him. All the proper steps toward furthering the relationship are already there. We see each other almost every day and we still feel na kulang pa. He knows my family, I know his. We’re total opposites. I, an independent and self-employed individual in an extremely creative job and he, a pencil-pusher and is upwardly mobile in a corporate job. He’s highly-strung. I am as laid back as a feather flying freely in the soft wind. Despite the differences we’ve slowly built a good harmony. I am his ying, he’s my yang. Last week, I already gave him a copy of the keys to my apartment. (This is something I have never done before and is a huge step for me.) Things are going smoothly until…
My trouble began two days ago with one single ‘hello’ in my facebook from someone I haven’t seen nor heard from in two years. He’s an old flame. He’s someone I was so madly and crazily in love with for a whole summer. (Okay. Baduy. I know. Summer love affairs? At my age? But it did happen.) We spent crazy days and nights making love anywhere and everywhere we could. Ever tried doing ‘it’ behind a big saint’s statue at the back of the church DURING the last evening mass? We have. That’s how crazy it was.
Eventually, like all ’summer affairs’ it had to end. You see, it wasn’t only the season that gave it its ending but the fact that he’s a seafarer hopping off to another ship that would set sail. I did not hear even a single word from him since the last time I saw him two years ago. I sent emails to an address that bounced back all my messages. I still have them in my outbox and I count 263 messages sent. And for each message I sent, a slow tear would rend my heart… until finally, I placed them all in one folder and bid goodbye.
Silence…
…until that ‘hello’. A rush of emotions flooded my chest. (Putangina! Di ko alam kung sisigaw ako sa tuwa, gulat, inis… samu’t-saring emosyon ang dumaluhong sa dibdib ko nang mabasa ko yun.) I said ‘hello’ and in a few minutes he asked if I still live in the same apartment. I said ‘yes’.
This morning (it is evening now as I type this email) my doorbell rang. I was expecting my brother, who sent me a text message that he’ll pass by, at the door. But lo and behold! It wasn’t my brother but HIM. Though sporting longer hair than the last time I remembered him, everything about him hasn’t changed: the same smooth alabaster skin, the same taut body beneath the clothes, the same Ilonggo accent that is so familiar to my Visayan ears.
“Kamusta ka na?” was what he first said, and I responded, “‘Tangna mo! Ginulat mo ako! Pasok ka at nang masapak kita.” When I closed the door behind him, he stood there and quietly he murmured, “sorry”.
We never reached the stairs going up to my apartment with our clothes still on.
————
I am typing this email tonight, still licking in my lips the taste of his. I can still smell on my body the scent of his cologne. I can still feel in my groins every thrust, every movement and every orgasm spent this day when we made love, only standing up once to drink water. I still haven’t eaten not even a bite for I want to let the taste of his sweat, his sex to linger in my tongue.
With these thoughts in my mind, I still have to face tomorrow. For the whole weekend, I will be spending the time together with the one I gave a copy of my apartment keys to – with the aches and joys of a love that came back.
Yes… I am fucked.
———–
Note:
Tanginang buhay ito. (Pardon my French)
Bakit kailangang mangyari pa ito sa panahong ito ng Pasko?
- Tampa
Dear Tampa,
Huwag sisihin ang Pasko at ang dalang lamig nito sa mga nangyayari sa iyo. (Napapahagikhik ako rito habang naiisip ko ang mga maaaring comments ng ibang MGG readers — “hindi problema ang tawag diyan, blessing!”). Anyway, ang unang pakiwari ko ay mahal mo talaga yang corporate guy mo. Yun nga lang, di maitatanggi na talagang may libog ka pa kay seaman. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Who are you going to pick — si corporate guy o si seaman? Ganyan talaga, mahirap ang maging maganda. The only advice I can give you Tampa is this: relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Mag-jogging ka muna sa UP Academic Oval. Magpalipas ng madaling araw sa labas ng simbahan, habang nagsisimbang gabi ang mga tao, lumafang ka ng puto bumbong at bibingka. Baka sakali kasi na sa pagbibigay mo sa sarili mo ng kaunting panahon, huminga ng malalim at hayaang kumalamay ang pumipintig-pintig mong pantog, ay magkaroon ka ng mas matiwasay na pagkukuro-kuro ukol sa sitwasyong ito.
Good luck!
Migs
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Granting this is a true story, it brings us to one basic question about gayhood: do we really stick to one guy? Can we? Ha ha ha. I don’t know, but Tampa’s story goes beyond kasi-maganda-ka-at-haba-haba-ng-buhok-mo. It really begs the question all gays must face: can we afford to go monogamous? Aren’t we basically polygamous? Biologically, we are men, so the propensity to have multiple partners is embedded in us and the longing to be faithful [which is soooo women] is simply part of our fantasies of being girls. just a thought. I hope this begins a discussion…
Rian at Dec 18, 09 at 10:29 am
Rian is right! Maybe polygamy is in our blood. But i just wanna share what my colleague has said: “Everything that has happened in our lives were results of our own decisions. We’re just blaming some things to make ourselves feel better.”
Siguro masyado tayong nabubulagan ng tawag ng laman na, kung minsan, nakakalimutan natin ang maging responsable sa mga ginagawa natin…
Tampa, it’s best to have time for yourself and think and listen to your heart…. Happy Holidays!
gulo-gulo at Dec 18, 09 at 11:10 am
well, aalis naman uli yang si seaman, so no worries.
boo at Dec 18, 09 at 11:17 am
wel, i do believe sa story ni tampa coz it happened 2 me also. he is a marine engr. even until now, tlagang rmember ko pa ung katawan nya na pang romansa, as in. haizt, pero ganyan tlaga ang buhay, of curz, mas pnili nya ang babae kysa sakin. sa totoo lng, during those time, parang cnasabi ko tlga sa sarili ko na xa na para sakin, pero i discovered na may gf pla syang tnatago. mhirap umibig tayong mga bading, we are being rjected at hindi pa maaccept ng family ko o ng guy ang mga ganoong relationship. para tayong kinakatakutan. we need to let it go.
jojok at Dec 18, 09 at 11:23 am
herbs at Dec 18, 09 at 1:22 pm
i agree to you Rian. but i think everyone (gay) can afford to be monogamous. love (if it is really true) ironically, is capable of creating something that is beyond what we think is posiible (as cheesy as it sound though). but yah, it is possible to have a strong commitment not to have multiple partners if the person you trully love is there with you. besides when you get older. it’s not the sex that you will look forward to afterall, it’s the companionship…knowing na me kasama ka sa pagtanda mo na mahal ka at alam mong di ka mag-iisa.
jiles at Dec 18, 09 at 1:38 pm
nakarelate ako. I had this relationship na wednesday love affair kc every wednesday lang kami nagkikita sa greenhills until one day na i’m waiting for him at d sya dumating. ako ang supposed to be straight. i’ve waited again nxt wednesday and he didn’t show up. months and years has passed til I received a telegram a telegram saying na Austria sya for s scholarship in music. “there’s no goodbye coz it hurts” sabi nya pero mas masakit sakin. sabi ko nga kung ayaw nya mas ayaw ko. and then after a year, another telegram recieved saying magkita kami, sinumbatan ko sya pero nanaig ang love ko sa kanya pero d na pwede kasi nag asawa na ko. nagkita kami for the last time and after 11 years wala na kami communication but still longing to see him. i searched for every social network pero d ko ma locate. his last address i know was that he is in Glendale California. I still miss him.
leween at Dec 18, 09 at 1:43 pm
just wanna share this with u tampa. this article opened up my eyes and i hope this will be of help to you and other PLU’s
3 Things That Only Feel Like Love
These Feel Like Love but Are Far From It
by Jessica Stevenson
Love is a tricky emotion. There are some things that feel like love but they are much too superficial to be the real thing. Real love takes time and doesn’t happen over night. Here are three things that people often confuse for love.
Lust
Lust is the feeling that is often mistaken for love at first sight. Lust is an intense and sudden attraction to somebody you hardly know. It is mistaken for love because the attraction is so strong.
Lust can feel like love because the feelings of attraction are strong and all-consuming. The emotions stirred up by lust can feel very real but they are based on a fantasy. To love somebody you must know them well but many people fall in lust while they are still strangers. What people in lust fall for is a fantasy of what might be and reality can get lost in the excitement.
Overwhelmed by physical attraction people in lust can’t keep their hands off of each other. They think about each other constantly and talk about one another all the time. Lust is a happy feeling brought on by passionate attraction. If you are inexperienced in matters of the heart it is very easy to mistake all that passion for love.
Lust differs from love like night differs from day. Lust happens in the early phase of a relationship when people don’t yet know each other. Lust is based on a fantasy, and the fantasy and reality don’t always mesh up. This is where lust runs out of steam.
Although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, love is more than just a physical longing. If a relationship is all about physical attraction it is based on lust. Really loving another person takes time and it can’t be based on physical attraction alone.
Obsession
Obsessions are often mistaken for love because people rationalize the crazy feelings they are having. They assume that it must be love if the other person is always on their mind. Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around.
The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession the more intense the obsession can become. People in an obsessed state have a one track mind where the other person is concerned and they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person to bolster their sense of self.
Even unrequited love, love that is not returned, can become an overwhelming obsession. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn’t really exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid.
Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you could be dealing with obsession.
Rebounding
A rebound is a relationship that starts up very quickly after another relationship has ended. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends.
Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to the security of being in love and more than anything else they want to feel that security again. They convince themselves that they are in love when they are actually missing the safety and comfort of the relationship they left behind.
If an old relationship keeps interfering with the progress of a new relationship it could mean that the relationship is a rebound. When somebody is on the rebound they are not entirely over their previous relationship. They may still be trying to work out unresolved issues from that relationship. Rebound relationships may feel like love but they are still impacted by unsettled feelings from the past.
pacer150 at Dec 18, 09 at 3:28 pm
hala ka, pag nagkita si corporate guy at si seaman, magpang-abot at magkabubugan yun.. tapos, magbubuno sila, wrestling hanggan magpagulong-gulong sa lapag, magpupulupot ang mga katawan nila, tapos mararamdaman nila na pareho silang nalilibugan.. tapos baka ma-develop sila sa isa’t isa at mauwi sa “alam mo na” ang bakbakan nila. ibang klaseng bakbakan na yun. yung may espadahan!
mbogs at Dec 18, 09 at 4:14 pm
Tumpak ka Rian! Gays always have the tendency to be promiscuous cuz they don’t have a legally binding union with their partners and no children and family to consider in making hard decisions. So whatever the occasion calls for grab na agad! That is why I have great respect for gay people who choose, and had chosen to be monogamous. It’s hard to control testosterone surge if the right stimulus is right in front of you , lol!
Jasper Cortez at Dec 18, 09 at 6:09 pm
i guess meron kayong unclosed relationship. tama si migs, you give your self the chance to think and think and thik…pero naloloka ako sau…. ganyan talaga tayong nasa corporate worl…..lol
jam_c at Dec 18, 09 at 7:51 pm
can we stick to one guy? i think yes. true that men do have the tendency to be polygamous but lets be honest dont we all long for the ONE. if you truly love the person no one else will come to your mind but him. and in tampa’s case i think he still has strong feelings for mr. seaman, wala kasi silang closure, which is necessary for one to move on, kaya noong nagkita sila ulit the flood gates opened and then one thing leads to another.
pero curious lang ako. are men really polygamous? is it innate for men to be polygamous? or because of the influence of things around us?
Personally i think its more of influence than something innate/
yue at Dec 18, 09 at 8:30 pm
sana last na yun noh! nakakaloka!
ming at Dec 18, 09 at 9:12 pm
i feel sorry for the corporate guy. i wonder where he’ll be after another two years when the seaman comes back again for another fuck..
hotstud at Dec 19, 09 at 1:51 am
Here’s my two cents; time management.
Kiro at Dec 19, 09 at 4:38 am
yes, gay guys do have a tendency to be polygamous, but if you truly love your partner, you wouldn’t & shouldn’t do anything to hurt him. he deserves to know the truth. khit sbhin nating 1 day lng yan, that’s still cheating & that’s the start of a doomed relationship..neng, ginamit ka lang ng seafarer mo, ikaw naman ngpagamit..
francis at Dec 19, 09 at 5:53 am
it’s all true pacer… mostly we are just engaging ourselves through lusts or obsessions. it is very inevitable. truly, love without lust is quite hard to imagine. para kang kumakain ng pagkain na walang lasa or para kang nanonood ng tv na walang kulay. we can’t hide it. lahat naman tayo ganun – mostly men. of course, biologically we are in the body in conjuction of a male species and it all performs as what other men, either straight or not, does. kumbaga, ang libog ng straight na lalake, halos the same sa libog ng mga green blooded, or even mas more pa. just like, una natin tingnan if gwapo ba siya, perfect ang height at built, etc… mostly physical. pero if ang guy is patpatin, maraming break-outs at malalaking zits, sabihin mo “ewwww” or “do ko siya love”. isnt it?
bilatra at Dec 19, 09 at 6:06 am
Parang bitin yung story… Akala ko about kay pencil pusher yung story.. biglang kay summer heat napunta. Sus.
Raul at Dec 19, 09 at 11:13 am
@Pacer150: I like what you’ve shared. Hope gays visiting this site will realize what the article wants to tell everyone. =)
RandallPhilippe at Dec 19, 09 at 1:09 pm
Mga bakla, malalandi.
Anong polygamous and promiscuous? Anong time management? Mga bakla kayo, tingnan ko lang kung kayo ang nasa katayuan ni corporate guy at kayo ang niloloko…
Kung ako si Tampa, nasampal ko nang bonggang bonga itong seaman na ‘to. Kasi isa syang seaman-loloko at seaman-gagamit. At kung makita ko si Tampa, kukulutin ko ung mga balahibo mo sa braso dahil mas gusto pa nya magpaloko at magpagamit kaysa maging tapat sa isang lalaking maari sanang maging kasama nya habambuhay.
Roi at Dec 19, 09 at 2:11 pm
hmm…danger…danger…seafarer….hop…hop..hop…like abutterfly….but AIDS!!!!
LATTE at Dec 19, 09 at 5:59 pm
Yes, we are men but that is not an excuse to be cruel. You’re in a commitment so you must stick to it. Kung gusto mo humada sa iba then be single at magpakasawa ka. Unfair at selfish na gawain ang manloko ng iba at lalo itong masama kung yung taong yun eh mahal mo (kuno). What makes us different from animals is our conscience… kung hindi pa mapigil ang kati, edi mag-Canesten at wag na muna makipagrelasyon.
Fritz at Dec 19, 09 at 9:55 pm
men are polygamous by nature…and so are gays he he he….
Edgar at Dec 20, 09 at 1:57 am
its either a wake up call making you realize this corporate dude’s not the one for you or an incredibly tangled start of a web of lies, cheats, and broken hearts. bummer story, though totally hot. hehehehe.
philip at Dec 20, 09 at 2:46 am
and about polygamy and monogamy… dudes, stop putting up norms and encasing us in boxes. being gay already is proof that there are no norms that any man (or woman) can conform to. socially constructed and further made into an issue. gradually practiced all throughout then ends up as a fallacy to the truth. harsh harsh judgment………….
philip at Dec 20, 09 at 2:50 am
Just let it flow Tampa, maybe if you let your feelings guide you everything will fall into place di ba, di naman madalian yan the reason why your heart need to reason with your brain — i can see that you have feelings dun sa dalawa (malamang! lol) pro ang tanong cnung mas matimbang —- or cnu yung di ka sasaktan —- its not being poly or monogamous you are its about happiness with touch of morality —- and by morality i mean kung saan ka liligaya nang di nasisira yung buhay mo —- in short kung san ka masaya pero walang nasasaktan period— kahilo! heheheh
mCkie at Dec 20, 09 at 3:25 am
someone’s bound to be hurt eh. obviously. its on ur hands now who to choose…
philip at Dec 20, 09 at 1:02 pm
sige ka, PAG NAGKITA si Corporate Guy at si Seaman at NAGPANG-ABOT at nagbakbakan, baka kung anong ma-develop sa kanila.. lalo na kung magkayakap sila habang nagre-wrestling, yung pagulong-gulong ang magkapulupot nilang katawan sa lapag..malay mo, pareho silang malibugan sa isa’t isa..yung tipong sabay silang tinigasan tapos naramdaman nila ang tigas ng isa’t isa.. tapos imbes na magbugbugan ay magkiskisan ng lang at mauwi na lang sa “alam mo na” yung bakbakan nila..yung ibang klaseng bakbakan! tapos nun, iiwan ka nila pareho..
mbogs at Dec 20, 09 at 2:36 pm
Hi, Philip! Its not about putting us in boxes…who can and who’ll dare do that to us? Its about realizing what we really are, who we really are so we can put to rest this unnecessary restlessness and guilt trip. accepting that we are polygamous should save us the energy and the resources we expend when we expect faithfulness from our partners. Or maybe, we can decide what to do with that biological wiring we are born with: do we rein it in, or give it full reign?
Rian at Dec 20, 09 at 3:59 pm
right… and we better rein it. haha. taking control of something we can’t escape from. thanks rian.
philip at Dec 20, 09 at 10:46 pm
the thing about polygamy is that in the end you will end up with no one. polygamy is mostly about variety and satisfying ones desires. it is the opposite of love or relationship, if you will. in love or realtionship, there is a deep connection and trust. there is also the a great comfort of knowing that this person will be with you even in sickness or hardship. i see a lot of aging gay men who are stil pursuing the same lifestyle as if they were in their early twenties. it clearly doesn’y work anymore for them. it looks very sad and pathetic, and would imagine very lonely.
mark at Dec 21, 09 at 5:25 am
“I am typing this email tonight, still licking in my lips the taste of his.”
hahahaha. nawendang ako dito.
asterisk at Dec 21, 09 at 10:59 am
I’m monogamous. Don’t care what others will say. Basta I’m monogamous in any ways. I don’t meet other guys, I don’t have sex with other guys, I don’t fall for other guys. Pero masaya naman ako. Sex is just sex. I know it is important but don’t you think love is more important? Nasa pinaniniwalaan mo lang yan. Kung sa tingin mo magiging masaya ka sa nangyayare sa buhay mo, then good for you. Kung hindi naman, well Migs is right. Baka kelangan mo lang itagtag yang sarili mo ng malaman mo kung ano ba ang makakabuti sayo.
tyrone at Dec 21, 09 at 11:55 am
if lust is all that runs in your veins when seaman is with you, try to resist… you know how karma makes singil… yuck so conya haha
but yeah, try to be monogamous. just so that we can show the world that we are not the root of all STDs and that we can say with pride: WE ARE MORAL
bow
papakarl at Dec 21, 09 at 4:37 pm
Off-topic: Guys, i wont claim na i’m really good in English.. but please, let us not try sooo much.
di kayo maseseryoso ni Tampa if what he read is uncomprehensible.
)
misterjeph at Dec 21, 09 at 4:49 pm
Sabi nga ni Ernie Barong…. libog lang yan! tuwad lang ng tuwad!
Zoo at Dec 21, 09 at 9:47 pm
cheers to mark tyrone and papakarl!!!
lol.
philip at Dec 21, 09 at 10:32 pm
thinking about it… tampa, did you do the deed because you missed him so much and you were ecstatic that he chose to see you first thing or is it the thrill of the hot hot sex you guys had before..???
philip at Dec 21, 09 at 10:37 pm
Kagustuhan, Planado, Pinaghandaan, Inasam, Yun lang!
Zufer_cathy at Dec 21, 09 at 10:40 pm
sabunutan ko to si misterjeph eh… Joklang! i mean joke lang!
tsurvah at Dec 21, 09 at 10:47 pm
tsurvah…sama ako sa sabunutan…hehehehe!
abc at Dec 22, 09 at 2:08 pm
Just strive to be happy Tampa. Play with the circumstances, may rason, kung bakit bumabalik ang isang tao sa atin.
davem at Dec 22, 09 at 4:10 pm
Dear Tampa, being monogamous or polygamous – it’s a choice, praktisin ang freewill – ika nga…choice mo nung hinubad mo ang saplot mo at nkipaglust-love making ka kay seaman…and you were the one who decided to give the key to corporate guy – kaya ikaw tampa, bago ka matampal ni kapalaran – Mamili ka na….
notorious_winger at Jan 10, 10 at 7:31 pm
tampa,
i do appreciate the story and it is quite unusual for you to feel that.What i mean is,i think you still can not go over HIM until now because you still had that flame in you when the two of you met.Looking back in the past would give a lot happy memories but just let destiny weave it’s path for you.
I am so glad that i have read a story like yours which absolutely made me feel longing for my old flame as well. Old flame might give you ashes though,still the remains are there,untouched-living!
I maybe just a 22-year old gay who needs someone to lean on as i find no one to share my burdens with,but i am me, learning from the true stories of same sex love affairs because for the fact that my family hates gays.
I am looking forward to all the stories on this site which would somehow encandle the fire of gayNESS in all and to let everyone knows that true love exist in this world of gays.
I too will be publishing my story of past love affair..with my childhood friend.
We may have different stories but one thing is for sure,We all deserve what we have.
Life unfolds life!
Live and love and be loved.
nywrabenjf@yahoo.com at Mar 17, 10 at 3:58 am