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Hi Migs!

I am fond of reading your blog.
I am Ayan. Straight ako when I was in high school, I’m sure of that. Marami akong naging girlfriend nun. Until one time, I need to have a tutorial in Math because of my low grades. so i went to my tutor’s apartment at around 6pm. he is one of the best math teachers in my school by that time, but he didn’t handle our class. i am well-known in our school, that’s why he offered me his help. Malakas ung ulan nung gabing nun, i didnt bring my umbrella so i got wet.. when i entered his apartment, he told me to take off my clothes baka daw sipunin ako. hinubad ko naman kasi ok lang naman siguro un parehas naman kaming lalake, walang malisya un.

instead of reviewing, nagkwentuhan lang kami.nakaupo kami sa kama niya then he asked me to turn off the lights, nagtaka ako kung bakit.. i didn’t turn it off. sabi nia sa kin wala daw mangyayari kung hindi ko papatayin ung ilaw. nagtaka na talaga ako and i decided to go home pero sabi niya wag muna daw,malakas pa ung i stayed. nagjoke siya tapos tawa kami ng tawa,then he started to bite my ears tapos ung lips niya umabot na sa neck ko and he kissed it. i begin to feel uncomfortable, dinaganan niya ko tapos hinalikan niya ko on my face, then lips, pababa until he lick and suck my cock. i dont know what to do. i tried to stop him, pero nakadagan siya sa kin. gusto ko sumigaw pero iniisip ko na nakakahiya sa mga tao if they knew why i am shouting… i dont have any idea about gaysex that time. hindi ko un nagustuhan. i was the only one naked, kaya i immediately took my shirt and pants. i told him that i will go home. pagkauwi ko, nagshower ako agad. parang nandidiri ako. i keep it as a secret, kasi nahihiya ako sa outcome kapag nagsumbong ako baka kumalat. i noticed na maraming kiss mark ung leeg ko. kinabukasan, napansin un lahat ng classmates ko. sabi ko allergy. pero sabi nila chikinini daw. this happened 3 years ago.

nasalubong ko si sir sa corridor, then nagsorry siya sa kin. nabigla lang daw siya. i accepted his apology. from then on, hindi ko na siya kinausap o kaya pinansin. kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn. pinigilan ko ung sarili ko but i cant control it. hindi ko alam kung ano na ko ngayon, there is confusion. i am now 16 years old, a 1st year college student in a prominent university. parang nagbago ung buhay ko, hindi na ko lumalabas ng nakahubad or nakasando.naiilang na rin ako sa mga lalakeng nakahubad. siguro na-trauma ako sa mga nangyari. even my closest friends don’t know about this experience. nakikipagchat ako ngayon with the same sex…flirt.. i don’t know if i’m into relationship, malay natin.. 🙂

thanks migz for letting me share my story.. God bless you…

– Ayan

* * *

Dear Ayan,

Thank you for sharing your story. Alam ko, mahirap ang kalagayan mo. It’s tough feeling confused. On the other hand, I hope you realize that confusion is there precisely because there are choices available for you. It’s not because you are stuck, or do not have any choice — you do, and you are the only person who has the power to make that choice. You can decide to go straight, or gay, or whatever way you want. In that decision, dear Ayan, as many of us went through something similar, you do it on your own. Ikaw yan, sa iyong buhay yan. But, let me tell you that as you are making your decision, you can ask for help. By writing this letter to me, I can see that you have made one good step already. Another step you might want to consider is talking to a professional counselor. If you are interested, I know of someone from Ateneo who can help you through professional counseling. He does it especially for those going through similar questions of sexual preference as yourself. I’ve talked to him and he said he can help you. Let me know if you are interested.

Meanwhile, I would suggest for you to keep in mind that what you’re going through is not something abnormal or dysfunctional. You’re good. What happened to you and your Math tutor may be the source of your homosexual feelings and leanings now, but, let’s accept that what’s done is done, di naman natin kayang ibalik ang nakaraan. Ang importante, okay ka ngayon, at puwedeng maging mas okay pa sa darating na panahon. I hope you really consider talking to a professional counselor — he’ll be able to give you more specific advice on how best to tackle your situation. For now, smile, and rest assured that there are trustworthy people who are willing to support you if you allow them to. Be well!

World Peace,

Comments (50)

  1. Aé Vergonia said on 05-06-2015

    confused ka kasi you’ve been molested by that prof.

  2. Aé Vergonia said on 05-06-2015

    confused ka kasi you’ve been molested by that prof.

  3. Closer2Fame said on 23-06-2012


    Siguro my life would be the exact opposite if it wasn’t screwed up by some people in my past… I guess your 19 now but your still a kid… I hope your OK now. Just remember, whatever option you choose doesn’t matter as long it’s yours. 🙂

  4. Ralph said on 23-06-2012

    Your brain was screwed by this molester. Have him arrested.

  5. Someone said on 04-07-2010

    Ako may kakilala akong friend na nabago rin dahil sa traumatic experience niya sa gay gang rape. Ampf! Mas may malala pa sa nangyari sa iyo.

  6. azzfukr said on 10-06-2010

    ako din na abuse nung 9 ako ng 2 gayfriends ng mom ko, str8 acting and luking pa rin pero atracted na sa mga efems, d nmn ako na aattract sa mga str8 at str8 acting

  7. dzerei said on 30-03-2010

    In terms of fluidity of human sexuality, I agree with Niel or Dr. Niel (I don’t know the proper way to address the counseling psychologist). Indeed, Ayan is still young and on the process of developing his gender identity and sexual orientation. I also believe that it’s important for Ayan to keep an open mind and be more lenient on himself while exploring his issues. Sometimes we become very rigid in categorizing ourselves within socially constructed identities that we have internalized. I hope that Ayan will not condemn himself because of the ambivalence and confusion that he is currently facing. On the other hand, although it’s good to explore things, we also have to be mindful of safety issues and possible consequences of our actions. For Ayan, I personally believe that the sexual abuse that happened to him maybe a factor for his current issues, but it’s not an ultimate determiner of his sexual identity. The trauma of sexual abuse may have resulted in negative outcomes but certainly is not a predictor of sexual orientation. I also agree on the notion that it is an interconnected web of life-long issues and biological and experiential/environmental factors. Ayan is only 16 and is still on adolescent stage. I guess many major changes will still take place and more realizations will occur. And to process these issues, I think having counseling sessions with Niel will be of great help…and doc Niel, kindly give Ayan a discount ha? hehehehe. joke.

  8. ken said on 13-02-2010

    Diko alam at hindi ko maaliwanag sa sarili ko kung bkit?.. I even one of those guys ( like AYAN ) nagkaganito din ang Buhay ko ako naman aeh since ng elementary ako i was experience with my Uncle kahit ako nangdidiri sa sarili ko diko alam ang gagawin noon ara tuloi akong batang walang alam gawin kung hindi umiyak noon diko alam ang gagawin ko kaya din ako naiilang na mag hubat sa public, goes to mens lockers and Go with my room mates habang nag bibihis naiilang din ako sa mga lalakeng nakakasama ko lalo nat mga bagay bagay na may kinalaman sa boys thing but hindi naman lahat ng bagay..
    It so difficult to be the Product of the Past.. lalo nat wala kang maag sasabihan kung ano ka talaga

  9. mario_lopez said on 05-02-2010

    u are now in confusion because of that pervert man.
    if u still have time, stay away from homosexual lifestyles, ask a professional psychologist..
    mahirap ang buhay ng bakla weather patago or out!
    rejection is everywhere!
    kayanin mo pa, with God’s help, stay away from pornography..

  10. sir jj said on 03-02-2010

    well, ayan, you should have sued that teacher for that….that is already a sexual harassment in nature and part of child abuse. that incident had ruined some parts of you personality (if not all). and now you are confused of what you are now. whatever it may be, just be it…you need some counsellings to help you in your problem…

  11. promdiboy said on 19-01-2010

    hindi ko nagustuhan yung ginawa ng math teacher mo. nararapat lang na kasuhan siya. the gay math teacher should have been more careful to control himself. another case of MOLESTATION. dapat inisip niyang BATA KA/MENOR DE EDAD. and your future might be ruined because of his act. this will cause trauma to you forever if you would let that incident destroy your life. you really need professional help. pray lang ayan and be strong.

  12. helios said on 05-01-2010

    It’s sad that people such as that perverted math teacher of Ayan’s still exist. Isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit nawawalan ng tiwala ang ibang mga magulang sa mga bading na dapat sana ay gagabay sa kanilang mga anak. If I did my math right, Ayan was just 13 when this happened. Kedemademanda talaga. I find some loopholes in his story though. Whatever it is you are feeling now, Ayan, I hope you’re not blindly pointing fingers. As always, Migs is right, you might need professional help.

  13. silver2009 said on 05-01-2010

    I’m interested in seeing this psychologist…

  14. herbs said on 04-01-2010

    OMFG! the same thing happened to me back when I was in highschool. yun nga lang, I enjoyed it and kept on coming back whenever he was free.


  15. ken said on 04-01-2010

    daig ko pa may cancer na kumakalat nang nangyari dinyan sakin…heto indi parin bumibitiw sanay makaya ko to!…

  16. ken said on 04-01-2010

    tol…similar man sa lahat ang story natin…pero naniniwala ako sayo! pareho tayo nang pinagdaanan!…sana makaya natin to!..

  17. vondraye said on 03-01-2010

    Ayan, I’m a gay guy and it feels great! I was straight “Before,” have had several girlfriends “before” as well, and it feels great! The question is, what do YOU want? Be straight or be gay? Migs gave you a good advice; you experiencing that Confusion is the start, the next step is by choosing your next path- straight ave or gay st? If you really don’t want to be gay, with all due respect, go.

    We’ll pray for you to be enlightened with whatever path you choose.

    and please, imagine if what you’re going through right now will pass on to the next generations of students that you left in your school; file a case against him! you’ve seen all the comments…

    God bless and thanks for sharing!

    and Migs, for everyone reading the net, thanks for being our net-angel.

    God Bless din Migs and belated Merry Christmas and another Belated Happy New Year!

  18. Candy said on 01-01-2010

    duda ako na straight ka dati… tingin ko noon pa man ay may namumuo ng dugong berde sa ugat mo… nainitan lang kaya ng math teacher mo kaya tuluyang dumaloy…. wag mag-inarte at mag-maganda. tanggalin mo ang hang-up na yan sa utak mo… istariray…

  19. John Paulo Cristales said on 31-12-2009

    I have the same experience Ayan, no need to worry about it. All you need to do is to accept who you are and that makes you happy.

    Let it go…

  20. Winterking said on 30-12-2009

    Zemansky – being gay is not a choice. its fate.
    and for that teacher.. I do hope matauhan ka sa nangyari lalo na its against the will of your student. sana nilandi mo na lang yan after he graduated. at least your morality is not questioned na and the gravity of impact is not that condemning

  21. maccallister said on 29-12-2009

    just assess yourself kiddo and if tingin mo mas magiging masaya ka to try to be with a guy din why not,mas mahirap pigilan,stressful kaya magpakalalake at mambabae!LOL

  22. zemansky said on 29-12-2009

    hey. im 17 and confused too. if you could choose dude, choose to be straight. you’re not meant to be gay. and and and there are less struggles and more acceptance. that’s the reality fellas so don’t criticize me for it. I just hope that the teacher rot for destroying ur life. dammit i love the calculus. screw him 4 giving it such a bad name. Xoxo

  23. Fritz said on 28-12-2009

    Nakakalungkot isipin na marami pa rin sa atin ay molestation ang first time when it comes to gay sex.

    To Ayan: You’ll make it through. Label lang naman yung pagiging straight or gay. Hindi talaga ito importante. Ang mahalaga, kilala mo ang sarili mo and you must understand that the bad things or experiences that happened to you does not define who you truly are. It was never your fault, yun dapat tandaan mo. Kaya mo yan… it may take time for you to sort out your thoughts but I’m sure, this experience will make you a much stronger person. It took me a while to get over my similar experience and I must admit, minsan napapaisip pa rin ako na kung hindi rin nangyari sa akin iyong naranasan mo, bading kaya ako ngayon? But then I realize that what’s important is not the path that lies behind me but the path the lies before me. You’ll make it through.

  24. ming said on 28-12-2009

    grabe ang gaydar ni math teacher. tsk tsk tsk.

    why not join mgg for friends?

  25. rizal said on 28-12-2009

    meron nyan dito sa butuan, PE teacher naman. binibigyan ng INCOMPLETE grade ang mga type nya na male students, pagkatapos pinapupunta sa bahay nya para mag “removal” exam… Salot!!!

  26. damnbastard said on 28-12-2009

    Looks to me like the guy was molested. Or raped.
    Im sure the TEACHER was over 21, and Ayan was in school, probly 18 or younger.

    There’s nothing sexy about rape.
    He should see the \therapist in Ateneo not too see what his preference is, but to get over the ABUSE.


  27. dex said on 28-12-2009

    go with flow…and be good!

  28. JOhn Paulo S. Trinidad said on 28-12-2009

    Professional vs. Non-professional is very easy two separate the role model.

    But deepest thirsty as temper sex.

    I experience many times get one college students. I look nice and cute but self-control. Because hard role model professional.
    I am working teacher. I never again get one guys so be control.

  29. papakarl said on 28-12-2009

    I feel sorry for you. Not because you’re confused now with your orientation, but because of what happened. I must tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad for whatever orientation you are right now. Now, as for what you should do next. i suggest you sue the Math tutor and go with Mig’s suggestion of seeking professional help

  30. •alchemist• said on 28-12-2009

    I understand how you feel Ayan. I’m in the same stage right now where i am very confused of my preference though before I am also famous to the girls in our school and had many girlfriends. Though I did not experience the thing that happened to you, I totally understand the “ILANG” factor to the guys on many scenarios. I really don’t know what to do about it, and I am really looking for somebody I can talk about it. I am actually afraid to reveal it to my friends – which means noone knows I’m going through all of this. I am just living my life.

  31. Diretso said on 28-12-2009

    Another ‘It’s X’s fault that I’m gay and I’m traumatized’ kind of story. Hay nako.

  32. Edgar said on 28-12-2009

    I feel sorry for you. That Math teacher is a rapist, imagine making ” dagan ” to you.

    Anyway, that experience had probably awaken ” something dormant ” inside of you ; that will explain your reactions and attitudes nowadays.

    At any rate, don’t suppress it, just let it flow. The river will take its course naturally. Meanwhile ,follow Migs advice. Get a professional help. He will be the proper authority regarding this matter. Cheers.

  33. Shut-up! said on 28-12-2009

    If you want some CHANGE,….get rid of it….

    (“kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn.”)
    –this statement only shows that somehow you’re enjoying of what had happen to you!
    –its your choice man you just can’t blame a certain person for a thing that you let it to happened( you were forced? ans.? YOUR A DUDE man….. a GROWN UP not a fetus!

  34. Curious said on 27-12-2009

    That was so wrong and criminal and you were ABUSED! You were very vulnerable and he took advantage of you. I suggest therapy to come to terms with PTSD. Am not trying to make a diagnosis here but it was so wrong. I hope that pervert goes to jail! Walanghiya!

  35. jam said on 27-12-2009

    i dont buy this one… i heard a lot of stories from straight guys like this… because i dont find it hard to get along with them.. even though im bi,. meron akong kaibigan na ganito din ang nangyari.. pero di xa naging confuse.. straight padin xa.. .kasi i have this theory na ang sexuality nagging absolute at the age of late adolecent.. around 13-16.. maybe this was just made up of imagination… or possible din na dahil sa curiosity nya at pagkabroad minded inembrace nya na lng na pede pala xa magiba ng sexuality.. meron bang straight na manunuod ng gayporn.. that’s ridiculous… ehh pinpilit ko nga manuod mga kaibigan ko e.. ni di nga matignan ng maaus e…

  36. jam_c said on 27-12-2009

    I also agree to those comments…do not let that math teacher affects your life….smile….

  37. ozzzzzzzz… i guese his math teacher will be able to go to jail.. unless he fuck Ayan… but he only suck.. ^_^.. am.. Ayan will not be turned to a gay if he dont have a blood line of being gay.. hehe anyway.. i can see that ayan are proud to be a gay cause he watching porn… All i want to Advice to you Ayan.. even you are gay dont ever used GIRLS WEAR… just be like a simpleman.. and dont be shy to used sando.. make your self more sexy and there are more, girls or man will love you… make your self look more handsome.. hehe.. yes that is the only way to be happy…

  38. ag said on 27-12-2009

    omg!! its a big foul for your math teacher. He should be facing the consequence of his actions. What he did is agains’t the code of ethics for teachers. It is stated in Article VIII (the teacher and the learners) section 5. A teacher shall not accept, directly or indirectly, any remuneration from tutorials other what is authorized for such service. Section 7. In a situation where mutual attraction and subsequent love develop between teacher and learner, the teacher shall exercise utmost professional discretion to avoid scandal, gossip and preferential treatment of the learner.

  39. jomel said on 27-12-2009

    Many gay teachers are guilty of doing this to their students, and students just keep it to themselves because they are too ashamed to accept the fact that they have been molested, or too confused on what to do. These teachers abuse their authority over their students, some even require sexual favors in order for students to get a passing grade. And the education department seems to do nothing about it! Sino ba taga DepEd dito? Do something to stop this!

  40. rzander said on 27-12-2009

    Ayan, i suggest you file charges against your math tutor… it’s about time we teach these molesters a lesson! people like these make a very bad reputation for gay people in general…

  41. carl said on 27-12-2009

    I agree with itsonsms, you should have filed a criminal case against that math teacher, he should go to jail for what he did to you. I know its tough, but do it for the reason na he could continue doing that to other students, think about his future victims, and with your silence, nagiging accomplice ka na rin, who knows maging student niya ang younger brother or cousins mo and gawin ulit niya yung ginawa niya sa yo. Now is the best time for you to speak up about what happened, kasi wala ka na dun sa schhool na yun, so di na ganun nakakahiya, unlike what happened to me when I was in grade 6, my scout master sexually harrassed me while we’re on camping, I was sleeping, unaware of what’s happening, and he got caught, by my classmates, they reported him and he got fired, The bad thing is, tinukso ako ng mga classmates ko kahit wala ako alam sa nangyari dahil nga tulog ako. But now, I was glad he got caught, even if naging hellish ang last remaining months ko sa elementary, kasi naexpose ang ginagawa niya, and if it were to me, he should have been given a far worse punishment.

  42. donvicente said on 27-12-2009

    Greetings from a Filipino-American gay guy from the Chicagoland area. I’ve been reading this blog for the past few months, and it’s been awesome having an “inside look” at GLBT life in the country of my blood. Only after reading this letter, however, have I felt totally compelled to respond:

    Ayan, NO MATTER WHAT your sexual orientation was, is, or will be, NO MATTER what you eventually decide to settle on for yourself… what happened to you was WRONG. Plain and simple.

    I get the feeling that some people mistake fantasies, porn, titillation, etc. for real life. Watching porn, reading erotic stories and the like regarding a situation like this: okay, whatever – it can definitely be exciting and hot. What happened to you, Ayan: now THAT is REAL LIFE, and IT WAS WRONG.

    It doesn’t matter if you were out & proud gay, shouting it off from the rooftops: if you don’t want to sleep with someone, YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL FORCED TO. And coming from a person in a position of authority?!?! I am disgusted. If I were to have heard that this happened to a friend of mine (and especially as Ayan describes it, as in, NOT WANTING IT, or feeling ambivalent), I would’ve pressed charges! Jesus freaking christ, this was rape, pure & simple.

    Now don’t get me wrong: I can see if someone really does want it to happen – then okay, once you hit puberty, you have a sex drive (hell, I definitely know what that was like when I was that age!) HOWEVER, if you say “NO”, then everything should STOP THERE. This type of behavior should NEVER be condoned, no matter what age the people involved are.

    Ayan, I truly wish you the best, and I just hope that you don’t let the actions of that pathetic, waste of a f*cking life math teacher of yours negatively influence your views on the GLBT community or gay people in general. The HUGE majority of us DO NOT force ourselves on people who say no. Everyone should be free to explore their sexuality at their own pace.

    Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat (especially to you, Ayan). =)


  43. itsonsms said on 27-12-2009

    You should have filed charges…

  44. Taekopenk said on 27-12-2009

    Oi Ayan. Eto basahin mo. Minsan lang ako magseryoso..

    I had homo experiences before with my bespreyn. I was 13, he was 14. We were “STRAIGHT”. Honestly, it was mere give and take thing. I sucked, to be sucked in return, because the feeling of getting sucked was great. He sucked well too.
    That time, i was doing well in academics. Siya naman sa basketball. Ako ung tipong shy type, siya naman ang loud, boisterous one. I caught him many times wanking while smelling the undies of their Maid, at pati maid namin. This is aside from the Boso. He would ask me to join. Yuck. I wouldnt even dare: yung katulong namin was there since birth.

    My bespreyn turned out to be str8. He is a certified chick boy. He is now a philandering husband. Wala talang nalalanghap kahit na katiting na gay signal ang radar ko sa kanya. We are still good friends. We shake hands. We hug even. We talk about the past, excluding of course the sexcapade. Nagkakahiyaan na kpag ang topic papunta dun, dinadivert na namin with a smile.

    Back to the topic: After that puberty stage, my UNUSUAL desire became strong. Kapag nanonood ako ng VHS, nakatutok na ako sa Lalake. Napapansin ko na rin mga Buhok sa kili kili ng classmates and cousins ko. I was worried. Worried enough that i did my own research, gusto ko matanggal ang unusual desire. Wala pang internet nun. Wala pang MGG.

    Dun ko nalaman ang words na “Experimental Homosexuality”. Sabi, this usually happens during puberty stage, 15 or 16 at most. A male guy may experience homosexual sex, pero hindi guarantee na bading sya. Yung ang nangyari sa amin ng bespreyn ko: Experimental homosexuality sa kanya, at homosexuality 101 (or introductory homosexuality) naman sa akin. LOL

    Ayan, sa case mo ikaw na makakasagot nun. Was it Experimental homosexuality? Kung hindi naman, basahin mo lang uli yung reply ni Migs. ahihihi

  45. Nick said on 27-12-2009

    I’m really sorry that this happened to you. Don’t think that all gay men are this way. And most of all, please don’t think that this happened because it was your fault.

    In any case, I’ll recommend you seek counseling. But if you wish to explore this side of your sexuality, please engage in safe sex. If you need a friend, you can contact me by responding to this post..

  46. stupid said on 27-12-2009

    me… harassed by my cousin kaya nga… ewan ako ngayon

  47. RickJayson01 said on 27-12-2009

    Most math teachers… hmmmm..

  48. excel828 said on 27-12-2009

    i can relate to this story. man theres nothing wrong if you turned the other way. make the most out of it..

  49. i'm a narnian said on 27-12-2009

    life is what we make of it. i hope you get over the abuse. i wish you well.

    as always, good job at the response, Migs.

  50. paopaobear said on 27-12-2009

    your math tutor should have been sued for sexual harassment.

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