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Hi Migs!
I am Randall (not my real name though), 20 years of age, studying in one of the best universities in the Philippines. I accidentally saw your site when Wanda Ilusyunada was featured on Y Speak. It was 2007 if my memory serves me right. I one by one checked his Pink Mafia (his friends) and there you were. The green-ish and glittering Manila Gay Guide site I saw that time. Hehe. Of all the sites I visited in the list, indeed, you have the most sensible topics and I must say very updated. From then on, there was no day that I will not click a new tab to browse your site every time I am online. I love everything on your site. The best part? The true-to-life letters and the candid comments of the people.

I must admit, I am a closeted guy. I haven’t confirmed it yet to anyone even to my family and best friends. But you know what’s weird? I do not like being tagged as one. I just can’t explain why. Or maybe, I just don’t want to know why.

Before reaching 20, I do not really know where my line was. Honestly speaking. But as time passes by and as I get older, I’m able to sway away those clouds blocking my way.

I have to tell you the truth. I do not see myself outing to everyone. There are a lot of people who look up to me. The catch in here is that they are younger than me. Grade schoolers then looked up to me as their Kuya. Even those in high school who were batch/es junior than me. These are the people who really admired me during my high school years and I guess until now. Left and right, girls had crushes on me. Why I say so? They said that I am a total package: a man with looks, intelligence, and character. All rolled into one. How I wish I really am that man they have in their minds. As well, my relatives here and abroad, Im pretty sure that they do not know the other side of me. And if in case I out myself to them, my world and theirs too will surely shake off. And I don’t want that to happen. They will surely get disappointed.

You know what, I feel unfortunate that I live in our society. A society who looks at homosexuals as inferior beings. For me, I believe that being homosexual is born, it is not influenced or acquired. For those late bloomers, like me, we were just not able to discover it immediately. It is just there. It is just waiting for us, for us to recognize it.

I want those heterosexuals who are against homosexuals to realize that it is not easy being one. There were times that I incredibly envy those straight guys. I want to experience how it feels to stare and find satisfaction on those women’s flawless and white legs. I want to know how it is like to fantasize a sexy body of a sexy star printed on a magazine. I want to experience how it will be to talk over the boobs and the butts of those and these girls. I also want to know the feeling or the excitement every time a guy gets the chance to peep at those cleavages. The feeling of playing a basketball game in a school or barangay league. You know the basic boy things. And I really want to feel how it is really to be a real gentleman. There were even times I wish that I am a straight guy so that I will not experience an indirect discrimination from our society, to be in the minority. I want these to happen to belong.

It makes me even sadder when people praise this and that gay because he became the richest stylist, the best businessman, the most intelligent student and etcetera and etcetera. It made me think actually. Do homosexuals really need to be an achiever first so that they can feel accepted or be allowed to step at the arena of societal acceptance? Or, can that be I AM HOMOSEXUAL. PERIOD. ?

Why do homosexuals need to experience these biased things? When will everyone achieve the capacity of real understanding? Of broad-mindedness? Because I firmly believe that homosexuals should be treated the heterosexual way (don’t raise your eyebrow, it itches me too because the society has the default standard-heterosexuality).

In my situation, I must say it is really hard. I hope it is easy as 1, 2, 3 and A, B, C. I finally decided to write a letter to you because I want every one who visits this site that it feels like dying every time I hide in my closet. I feel like I am a liar to myself. It is like I am good at backstabbing my trueness you know. And yet, I foresee that once I let my trueness be seen by others, it will be a suicide. Instead of getting better, it might become a sharp dagger. I know there will be people who will tell me to out myself as soon as possible but I really do not see it coming, me outing myself to the world. I’m sorry. I am happy this way, or, perhaps, I should be happy the way it is. Oh my gawd, I hate this. This society that always finds flaws to others yet in the first place that society is flawful. I hope one day I will wake up where heterosexuality is the new homosexuality. Let’s see how it will be. How they will struggle to fight for their rights and to protect their pride. Maybe, one day. One day.

– Randall

* * *

Dear Randall,

At 20 years old, you are a bright young chap. Reading your letter, I know, I am quite sure, that you have answers to your own questions. Obviously, you have a sharp mind, and I must say you’re quite articulate in words. No wonder people regard you very highly, as you yourself said in your letter, “There are a lot of people who look up to me.” They admire you a lot. They respect you a lot. I wonder though, are you aware that there is this one very important person, more than anyone else, who should be admiring you, respecting you? That person is yourself. All these external achievements — what do they mean, if you yourself don’t learn to love the real person who’s responsible for them? How come people love you, yet you seem not to be able to give yourself that same love?

Embrace who you are, Randall. He’s been quite lonely — only because you’ve somehow distanced yourself from him. See wonders as you try to get more acquainted with your real self. And as you wish for society to accept us homosexuals wholeheartedly, I too fervently wish that you find the strength and that unique love to accept who you are, what you are, wholeheartedly.

Be well, my dear Randall. World Peace!

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Comments (125)

  1. vanjo said on 06-05-2011

    I wish that we can find the guts to express who we really are and to finally get out from the “closet”..! God bless us all..!

  2. jaime said on 04-01-2011

    i forgot to tell you…it was in my college days when i was able to opened up to my parents because one day I told them for being overprotective to me, and i blamed them for what i am. they both cried and told me how they cared & loved me since birth. ..And my father asked me why i informed them so late, that they could perhaps had helped me straighten up things if i told them earlier…
    Time passed by, i taught myself to learn how to appreciate doing the “imaginary vaginal penetration” . oh my, it took months of concentration, hehe…then years went on, it had me have a couple of girls to be inlove to me (me just nothing but a friend to them) my libido seems to ignite that it took more than 30 times of sexual relatonship with the 3rd girl, which we did enjoy everytime we had sex. grabe magastos sa sogo motel. but unfortunately i’m not inlove with her. i dont want to hurt her anymore, so i decided to stop the relationship.

  3. jaime said on 04-01-2011

    rwe are in the same boat. ang hirap talaga ng ganitong dilema. overwhelming, energy-consuming, suffocating, … excruciating pain to the agonized mind, so to speak. Nagawa ko na lahat ng effort. I talked to Mr. Clem Guillermo in ateneo CFM way back in my college days. I confided it to my area pastor, i informed my parents and certain relatives about this kind of feelings. I prayed and bargained a lot. I checked youtubes for SSA cases… My every moment ay lagi nalang self-pity, fear ang nasa isip, kahit sa loob ng Mrt or sa heights na 32,000 feet or more, sa ibabaw ng karagatan ng india, or M.E., or sa ilalim ng underpass ng quiapo, sa loob ng bus papuntang baguio, even sa church- Why me pa rin ang tanong ko until napagod na rin ako sa katanungang ito. Sad to know, many times I overheard people, even my own relatives, making gays, closet gays as laughingstock. They don’t know that we are hurting deep inside.
    True, the only person who can ever understand our pains is he who also experienced the way we do.
    A problem well-shared is a problem half-solved, sabi nila.
    -jaimefernan@yahoo.com

  4. allan said on 30-12-2010

    pwd ko b malaman email dd mo, kwentuhan nmn tau.. kagaya mo nahihirapan din me..

  5. allan said on 30-12-2010

    Hi Randall..
    I feel the same way too,ang hirap tlg itago, mas complicated pg ilantad..hayz…thats life,

  6. mark said on 26-12-2010

    it feels like I wrote this.. or someone just wrote this for me.. Same story.. same idea.. I just thought I am the only one.. Good thing I found this site….. THANK YOU

  7. ellis said on 10-11-2010

    naka-relate ako sa’yo randall. may nabasa ako ng comment bout outing yourself sa trusted friends mo, I agree na gawin mo yun. i tell you marerelieve ka sa bigat ng dibdib mo. i tried it. it was an open forum with my 3 friends. I was asked point blank if the one i am dating is a guy and immediately answered yes. he’s a HE. and I was touched with their reactions because they were smiling and teary eyed. akala ko magbabago yung tingin nila sakin pero tanggap nila kung ano ako. humahanga daw sila sakin kasi ang tapang ko daw para sabihin yun. sobrang natutuwa naman ako na sinabi ko sa kanila kasi may napagsasabihan na ako unlike dati na nahihirapan ako kasi may tinatago ako.
    it is nice na meron kang mga kaibigan na naiintindihan ka ang tanggap kung ano ka. try it randall. 😉

  8. bhengz said on 27-10-2010

    Hi Randall,
    Nice… Masasabi koh lang lahat tayo ay may karapatang pumili ng mga bagay na gusto nating gawin o mangyari sa buhay…lahat naman tayo ay darating sa punto na paguusapan ququestionin.. Pero habang tumatagal mapapagod din sila at mananatiling tahimik nalamang…

    Hi to everyone

  9. nick said on 18-09-2010

    I’m glad I thought of checking this site. Hats off to Randall who started this conversation! Being the same as you guys, closeted since birth I guess, I can very well relate. Even when I was abroad working, no matter how westernized the society was, being pinoy matters, having to stay “within myself” had to be the rule. Truth is, it matters even in the corporate world there….But, at least there’s this line of exchange I can visit once in a while, and won’t feel too alone in this kind of existence we choose, albeit, would rather not be in. I’m open to direct e-mails if you guys are interested. Otherwise, we will always have this and MGG to rely on.

    Enjoy your Sunday amigos!

  10. Randall said on 27-08-2010

    @geek-o Yes. Unlike most heterosexuals, gay men do not use people just to get what they want. Society might realize our worth centuries from now. Sooner the better though.

  11. Randall said on 27-08-2010

    @Ace “I mean, they always have to tell how we all just chase dicks and how we hunger for more sex with men.” I super agree with your point here. They boxed gay men about it.

    No, there is nothing wrong being ourselves. They just don’t understand it.

  12. Randall said on 27-08-2010

    @JR I totally agree with you. Why are there people making fun of gays? Insecurity? Because gay men can do far better than them? Oh well. I do not like labels as well.

  13. geek-o said on 08-07-2010

    i am a closet guy too. Until now, nobody knows who I am. and it also kind of bothers me. i can totally rewlate to you. but you know what, wehat meks me holding on is the fact that i know I am a good person and I do not use somebody just to get me to where I want to be and I think its good enough.

    you are a wonderful person, no matter what. eventually, the society would see our true worth, althoguh it could be years, decades, or even centuries befroe they would. but that doesn’t mean you cannot have a good time? there are lots of good people amongst us and Ithink you just only need to trust your kind and reach out, we are more than willing to have your back buddy. and front if you like AHOOO! joke lang.. hehehe

  14. Ace said on 28-06-2010

    @Randall
    It’s really hard for us, I feel for us. They persecute us, whether inside their heads or publicly bashing the general gay community. They can’t understand what they don’t feel in the first place. Is it just wrong to be ourselves? They are themselves, and we respect that, but they can’t reciprocate that respect to us. I mean, they always have to tell how we all just chase dicks and how we hunger for more sex with men. Some of them even hate us for existing, which is so unfair. We don’t even care whether they did a lot of straight sex everyday, but it’s an issue for them to see us going with a guy in a friendly manner.
    @Plutocopy
    Family is one hell of a reason we hide ourselves from everyone. We fear for our own “damnation” in the public, as well as we fear theirs. My sisters never ask now if I’m a PLU, since they “sensed” it already (given that they whiffed some of the stories of my neighbors who are making gossip about me while I’m gone and the neighbors are speculating that I am living in with some guy, which is not true.), and my dad is somehow plotting to make me straight, but I’ll make sure his plan will fail. Damn, sorry, but even though he’s my dad, no one has the right to change what I believe and what I am.
    @all
    Is it okay to be friends with you? I am just okay to be friends with you guys, for as long as it’s okay with you to have me as a friend. Text text na lang siguro. 09327711450.

  15. JR said on 14-05-2010

    @Randall
    Hi… I totally agree with you… I must say that you and I are very much alike…. Unfortunately for me, I’m not handling things well…. Being a closeted gay at the age of 20 is a total bummer… I also hate being labeled as gay, maybe because I’m not comfortable with the real me… I hate it when people always make fun of gay guys, and it just discourages me to totally come out of my padlocked closet..

  16. Randall said on 06-04-2010

    @joseph Hi! Thank you for your very heartfelt comment. I can feel your sincerity. And maybe you are right, i need someone who will accept me without any reservation, without any doubt, without any question once i reveal the real me to that person. I firmly believe that everything will fall in their proper places when the right time comes. If fate will allow me to meet that person, i will be thankful of course. I just hope that this person is very open-minded, understanding, and patient. And i agree with your view on happiness, it will absolutely be a tabula rasa if you did not share it with others. God bless!

  17. Randall said on 06-04-2010

    @Randy Hello! Thank you for taking time to read my letter here on MGG.

  18. Randall said on 06-04-2010

    @ANDRES PEREZ Hello! May the answers dawn on us soon.

  19. Randall said on 06-04-2010

    @mat-mat Hi! I know. It is really difficult especially when your family and friends will not understand the situation you are in.

  20. Randall said on 06-04-2010

    @Kit Hi! Thank you for being one with me through my letter. Yes, i heard that other Christians are kinda strict when dealing with that topic. I hope that we’ll find peace of mind soon. And so are they.

  21. joseph said on 04-04-2010

    Although many will say that only you can get out of your misery and only you can decide to start living, it is never easy when we are alone and hiding. I think this loneliness comes not from the fear of powerlessness or losing everything (character, position, fame) but from the fact that we are not able to share to others who we are openly because of the many circumstances that we are faced with. Happiness doesn’t only come from within because we are never meant to be on our own. We need to connect.

    And so I wish that you find the courage to at least share yourself to someone, a close friend maybe? Find that person who you can trust with all of yourself, who will understand you without questions, and who makes you a better person. You don’t need hundreds to accept you. Even just one significant other would do. And the next time, sooner I hope, you will not feel like hiding or dying and you will start living. 😀

  22. Randy said on 03-04-2010

    We have so many things in common, Randall. Pero I’m from the US. I’m actually reading the blogs in this site cuz I’m so curious about massage with ES. I don’t know if I have the courage or guts to even go to these places but I have fantasized about it. I’m on vacation and staying in QC. Maybe one day, we’ll meet and share stories. If you want, you can email me at fj425736@yahoo.com. Take care of yourself.

  23. ANDRES PEREZ said on 25-03-2010

    sana eamil nyo ako personally para encouragement kc sa ngayun kagaya ng iba ninyo, naghahanap ako ng mga sagot..securty_guard@yahoo.com

  24. mat-mat... said on 13-03-2010

    im 18 yrs old closeted guy. Mahirap pero naisip ko bahala na si batman.

  25. Kit said on 01-02-2010

    I understand where you are coming from Randall. It seems so unfair right? Well we’re somehow the same, the worse in my case is, I have a strong religious background. My family and friends, most of them are Christians. They can’t understand because they are heterosexuals. They even find it abominable. They are hypocrites, as if they are perfect and not sinning.

  26. Randall said on 22-01-2010

    @Unhappy2010 Hello! I was surprised to read that my letter brought you into tears. That is what i am telling, capacity of real understanding, when will it come? “I feel that my family needs me because I am helping them (financially and everything)other than that I know they are critical of me behind my back.” I felt sad the moment i read this statement from you. Sometimes, the people we thought can understand us is otherwise. And thank you for wishing me more happiness. Let this reply of mine tell you that i wish the same for you. Thank you for appreciating my letter.

  27. Unhappy2010 said on 22-01-2010

    Dear Randall,
    I was in tears upon reading your letter. I was (or still am) in the same situation. I was very unhappy because my entire family is homopheobic. I was only out to my nephew (who I know is Bi) and “slightly” to my sister who I’m still skeptical if she really has accepted me or not. I feel that my family needs me because I am helping them (financially and everything)other than that I know they are critical of me behind my back. I don’t reallly feel the real love from them. Can we just be HOMOSEXUAL? period! Do we need to be an achiever to “cover up” or to compensate”
    Just venting, thank you for reading my comment and I wish you more happiness.

  28. Randall said on 21-01-2010

    @promdiboy Yes, that is the reality that is very hard to deconstruct. When it will be? It will be ages and ages from now.

  29. Randall said on 21-01-2010

    @SunsetChaser Good point. Live now or live later? I still cannot decide. So far, i do not have plans of coming out. And thanks for letting me know that i am not alone.

  30. Randall said on 21-01-2010

    @glenn_of_naga One day, my friend and I talked about life in general. And she shared that there are things in life that we just need to accept. Not Buts and No Whys. We just need to accept it. That’s it. Acceptance.

  31. promdiboy said on 20-01-2010

    very well said man.. realidad nga yan but at the present i believe, wala tayong magagawa. i wish and i hope in time, our society will accept homosexuality.

  32. Sunset Chaser said on 17-01-2010

    Man, you are sooo not alone at all, judging by the comments your letter got. I’m older than you…in the corporate world right now. And I am still not out. But I guess it’s just a matter of time.

    The most difficult part is accepting the fact that you are that…not straight.And accepting responsibility and all the repercussions of coming out. How I wish I was straight too .

    What you are undergoing now, is exactly what I went through too for years. And I guess the same for maybe the rest of the guys here.

    Anyway, i’m past stage one of accepting myself. The second part is the fear of rejection by first and foremost my dad who is a traditional macho straight kinda guy. I get paranoid asking myself will i get disinherited…will he stop loving me…will he deny me as his son…will he keep me away from my younger brothers. Plus, I don’t want him to be the ridicule of his friends and relatives for having a gay son. Those are the things that keep me from coming out…it’s the fear that I will lose my family. I don’t want to subject them to those things.

    I cannot care less of what my friends and officemates will think about me. I care more for my family. But the reality of coming out is there…especially as you get older and people start to question why you’re still single and all. Before last year, I still went out on dates with women. What the heck I still admire women.

    Last year though, when I learned to accept me, I started to tell a few close friends, the girls first. Then I told a couple of straight guy friends. Less than 10 in all. Boy it was the best ever decision. (hint hint :-)At first they were a bit stunned. But all of them including the guys were cool about it. Being accepted by people, albeit a few, is most liberating. I stopped dying and started living.

    Then I got into a relationship with another closeted guy, just like you and me. It was a good and happy one though brief. The point is, I started living.

    I’m currently single. It’s not easy to look for love and a long term relationship. But I gotta keep going. I just wished I started the ball rolling earlier. I feel like i missed a lot during those years of hiding. So you have a choice. Live now or live later? It’s gonna come.

  33. tweetster said on 16-01-2010

    overnight celebrity si randall =)

  34. glenn_of_naga said on 16-01-2010

    parehong-pareho tayo ng pinagdadaanan ngayon p’re.
    magkasing-edad lang din tayo. pero sa totoo lang ayoko ng ganito… ayokong maging bakla. yucks!! it sucks…

  35. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @Plutocopy There is no problem with that. It is okay. Thanks because you want me to be your friend.

  36. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @caetano Hello! I feel the sincerity of your comment. You seem to be very understanding with the words you said. Yes, I agree, it is a personal choice. And yeah, i will surely take my time. Thanks!

  37. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @tweetster I really appreciate your two cents here. Thanks!

  38. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @monYY I really like what you said “Embracing the fact that you are a homosexual wouldn’t be requiring any external announcements just to justify that you are true to yourself”. I could not agree more.

  39. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @mc Thank you for a very candid comment.

  40. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @MaXX Hi there! Thank you! By the way, my mother does not have any idea about what I am going through.

  41. Randall said on 14-01-2010

    @Philip It is good to know that you are happy being you.

  42. Plutocopy said on 14-01-2010

    Randall,

    marami na kasi humingi ng email add mu,…naisip ko tuloy na baka ang dami mu nang friends at d mu na ako mapansin,…but am still anticipating…sana nga mabasa mu pa to…just confirm if okay lang sayo…

    by the way, im also 20..like you, nakatago pa sa closet…

    i will wait for your response…

    many thanks!

  43. chorvibo said on 13-01-2010

    same old stories….TRUTH will set u free!!!

  44. Sancho said on 13-01-2010

    One thing i’ve learned in life is you have to have the courage to accept who you are, not tomorrow but today. it won’t be easy at the start but there will always be people who will understand and accept you for who you are. Filipinos are very closed knit family and most of the time, they will dictate your future and the person who you should be, but in the long run,it’s still you who will decide whoyou should be and your future. a family’s acceptance will never be easy, you do not need their acceptance, eventually, in the future, they will, but for now your individuality is more important. Be yourself, life is too short. I might sound a westerner, but i learned from my mistakes, try to fix things i feel i need to change, but never my self respect first and formost.
    By the way, i speak from experience.

  45. caetano said on 12-01-2010

    hi randall,

    having read thru this thread it’s apparent that your story resonates for many others as well. you’ve received a lot of encouragement and advice, allow me to add my voice to those that have come before me.

    based on your description, it would be safe to assume that our backgrounds and circumstances are very similar. whereas you are only 20 or so, i am already in my 40s. take heart, it may seem so terribly painful right now, but things will get better in time. you will survive this period too. each of us goes thru our own life journey. our experiences help shape the kind of person we will be in the future. think of this as part of your ‘matriculation phase.’

    among the numerous bits of advice you’ve received a handful really stand out for me. that posted by MonYY (about 3-4 postings above) strikes me as particularly earnest. coming to terms with yourself and accepting that doesn’t necessarily require you to tell everyone in your contacts list. it’s a very simple act of acknowledgement and making peace with that realization which makes a world of difference in your psyche. it is the first step in reclaiming your equilibrium. coming out is a personal choice. weigh it at length. the decision to come out or not, and to whom you do so, is completely yours, no one has the right to impose on you. just bear in mind that you will have to live with the consequences of whatever actions and decisions you choose to take.

    take your time, go at your own pace. enjoy your youth and all the adventures that lie ahead.

  46. tweetster said on 11-01-2010

    ive just read your post and for the most part parang akong ako ung dinescribe mo, no kidding, achiever in the family, kuya, the one that everyone looks up to and the one most likely to succeed, mga ganung expectations from family, relatives and high/college friends. Na minsan nakakachoke to think about. I think about a year or two ago, was when ive started opening up to very close friends, well, three of those that are really close to me, friends who really know you, I mean the internet is a good outlet, but be careful, some are just there to take advantage of you, i think you that already 😉 but nevertheless it is indeed a good starting point for these “things” definitely, pero its different when u start to tell people who really know who you are, i know its easier said than done, but what your doing right now, sharing your story to us, is a step in the right direction. hopefully in the near future, step by step you’ll be more at peace with yourself, maybe when u start to work, importante talaga na gusto mo ung ginagawa mo. just my two cents. thanks for sharing your story.

  47. Marco Jordan said on 11-01-2010

    randall,

    how can you expect others to accept homosexuals as equals if you evidently can’t accept that yourself.

    it’s all in your head. change your attitude, and everything else will follow.

    marco

  48. ed said on 10-01-2010

    your site has gotten so boring. it had more life in it before. and where’s the events calendar? pff… mind changing the name of your site to manilagayFABCASTS?

  49. monYY said on 10-01-2010

    Embracing the fact that you are a homosexual wouldn’t be requiring any external announcements just to justify that you are true to yourself…..
    It could be just very silent……yet you really know to yourself your position…..and you have an internal acceptance….glowing inside you and learning little by little how to face upcoming challenges that would eventually pertain to our sexual preference..

  50. mc said on 10-01-2010

    How can you love people, if you cannot love yourself? its like you represent great things for the sake of others but you cannot be a true great person to yourself?

    my friends do not hate the society, it’s just that not all are oriented in our world, not all people are open minded for this kind of matter and ultimately not all people believe that whether they like it or not —- definitely, there are things that vary from the usual— and most of them cant accept that.

    I say we are just uniquely incredibly wonderfully
    extravagantly gorgeous individuals, you must remember that — nagawa mo ang mga kahanga hangang bagay dahil ikaw yan! and because of that natural na kakaiba sa lahat.

    I say that Choice mo yan, kung anu man ang nangyayari sau gus2 mo man o hindi somehow malaking porsento ay ikaw ang may dahilan.

    every gay has a fare share of what you are experiencing right now, so dont think ikaw lang ang may ganyang suliranin

    ang Importante—-is how you redeem yourself for yourself, di naman pagpapakaselfish yun– its just a matter of being true for one self — naniniwala akong di nagagawa agad ang mag ladlad —dahan dahan lang ito lalo na sa slow ang pang unawa — at tandaan mong wlang madali sa umpisa —- u need to reach out kahit kanino na 2nay kang maiintindihan—- mag ingat ka dahil di lahat ng nag sasabi ng “i understand you” ay naiintindihan ka nga….

    gawin mo ang sa tingin mong makakapagpaluwag ng puso mo—– hindi ung habang buhay kang mag ngingitngit at magsisisi kung bakit wlang kang nagawa—– alam ko matalino ka pro kailangan matapang ka din

    walang talagang sure sa mundo—- at di mo sure kung anung kakalabasan until ma try mo— kahit pa planado ito o naisip mo na still may magababgo pa rin …. so go and try what you think that will emancipate you! — be strong be happy be honest to yourself! Godbless!

  51. fao said on 10-01-2010

    @randall yeah lesbians are more accepted than us. I just referred to that episode so that those who read or watched it can reflect the same way I did. f*ck the hierarchy we should be on top. we intimidate men and make women fall. we upstage them because not only that we do good in whatever we do we also make sure that we look good while were doing so but that’s of course until they find out your gay and they just think that’s everything you did was crap and you’ll definitely feel like crap, a very good looking crap by the way. sorry my train of thought is not in a very clear direction I went home to visit my family in surprise only to find out their on vacation.. anyway feel left out? wanna feel left out together? =)

  52. MaXX said on 09-01-2010

    I just want to congratulate Randall for the overwhelming response this post have had received over the past few weeks. I believe that you still feel uneasiness in approaching and dealing with your parents and friends the dilemma that you’re in right now. Moms know best and based on experience, moms do have intuition if their son or daughter have “queer” tendencies. The road that you will choose is definitely not meant for the faint hearted kind but it will measure the strength in your spirit. Dont forget to have faith in HIM, and to your family as well that they will accept you No matter what.

  53. Philip said on 09-01-2010

    truth is.. society’s slowly going there.. you’ll feel the balance, really, once you yourself let the feeling sink in, you’ll appreciate it. i’m 16 and is starting to out myself to those who branded themselves my friends. one by one i told them and i found out that it really didn’t make them any less than what they were before i told them everything. yes, there are those f*ckin *ssholes that would bring you down ’cause of what you are but when you have people who would back you up, who knows who you are, who accepted you for who you are, and who supports you in everyting you do, they will stand up for you and protect you. society is starting to give a damn about us, we just have to nudge them and give them a stronge push. what we can’t fight up front in an instant can be brought down with small but well placed blows. on the side, i really like what you said when you were describing yourself. it reminded me of myself. hirap nga tlga ng may expectations from others tsaka kung may hawak ka na ‘title’ of some sort being looked up on. katakot mawala lahat pero kung dahil lang pala sa sexual orientation ko mawala nga u, who needs that/them. dito ko masaya tsaka eto ako eh. la kau mggw kundi tnggpin un. basta ako masaya na maging ako. 😛

  54. Randall said on 09-01-2010

    @fao Hello there! I am an avid fan of One Tree Hil too. Season 2 is the season where Anna Tagaro (the girl you were referring)outed herself. I feel for her as i watched that season. According to my professor in my literature class, there is hierarchy in our society: Boy, Girl, Lesbian, Gay. Unfortunately, we are placed the lowest. As you will notice, there is really a difference on being gay and being lesbian (don’t think i am discriminating). It is just that being lesbian is “more” acceptable than being gay in our setting. Maybe because lesbians = “males” and gays =”females” where females for the longest time have been treated as an inferior being than men and since gays embraced who they really are, it is against machismo so it is a double dagger. That’s how i see it.

  55. Randall said on 09-01-2010

    @monYY Hi there! Thanks! I wanna thank you for appreciating my letter. It is okay with me.

  56. Randall said on 09-01-2010

    @Prince Henry Hi there Sir! Nice quote from Mother Theresa.

  57. fao said on 09-01-2010

    i watched this one episode from one tree hill where this girl outs herself to her family. she was convinced by her “girlfriend” saying stuff like once you out yourself to your parents or family members they feel like they lost you, like you just died, their dreams of you getting married, having grandchildren and a bright future shatters. So it’s not only hard for us it’s also hard for them we deceived them the same way we deceive ourselves everyday. i myself have pretended so much to be straight that i have almost perfected it yet still here i am lost. I’ve become too soft to be with guys yet too tough to be with gays/girls.

  58. monYY said on 08-01-2010

    Randall…
    .I really admire your courage and determination to find solutions for problems longways been tackle and left hanged ……you actually have stated…all insights I have in my mind….also you have pondered on things I’m surely want to burst out…..
    it is really good that we have found this manila gay guy… it doesn’t just link people with who are meeting at a bottom line… it also serve as a door for new friends…..
    I’m hoping that we could come to realize that…….if you are interested….just leave a comment for your confirmation…..then I’ll post my email account…….really I want to make bridges to persons like you…Thanks…

  59. dontwannadoit said on 08-01-2010

    Randall,

    my e-add is, hot_shooter1985@yahoo.com. Looking forward to see ur mail in my inbox. Thanks, btw, sorry for the very late response.

  60. Prince Henry (henry.prince1234@gmail.com) said on 07-01-2010

    As Mother Theresa had it: In the final analysis, it will never be between you and them. It’s between you and God. But how ironic! Im quoting Mother Theresa.

    –HRH

  61. rian said on 06-01-2010

    Hi, Randall. ! Its not about society; its not about them. Its about YOU. The very fact that you wrote that looooong letter about outting means you are bothered by the fact that you are closetted. Yet all that peroration about how judgmental society is and how THEY will be disappointed if you reveal who you really are is a lot of bull. Your first responsibility is to yourself, to be able to love yourself. To be honest, you are setting yourself up for a miserable life. I never had a problem with my homosexuality, its just there, I embrace it, but neither do I flaunt it. I have lovers. I confirm I’m gay when i am asked, but to be honest, people respect my views and opinions. I serve as consultant to powerful people and my gayhood has never been an issue in my work. And I live in the province, where people are supposed to be conservatives!!! It’s really how you handle it.My unsolicited advise is: To thine own self be true

  62. Randall said on 06-01-2010

    @dontwannadoit and @nd14 : My email address is randallphilippe@yahoo.com

  63. Randall said on 06-01-2010

    @nd14 Hi there! Apparently, Americans are more open than us Filipinos regarding homosexuality. Mind you, Spain, the reason why we Filipinos are conservative and the one who brought Christianity in our country, is already accepting gay marriage. Question, why not Philippines do the same?

    True. The reason i finally wrote this letter is for everyone to know that my case, i believe, is also their case.

  64. Randall said on 06-01-2010

    @AJ Hi! I am happy that you were able to relate yourself with my letter. Let’s wait for that one day to come. And i know, it is soon.

  65. Randall said on 06-01-2010

    @robert I could not agree more with you, Robert. I really wish that you and your boyfriend will live together under one roof. And when that time comes, i hope our society has already open-minded when it comes to things as such.

  66. Randall said on 06-01-2010

    @John “Our personhood is not defined by preferences. ” Nice thought though. I hope close-minded heterosexuals will succumb to this idea.

  67. bjsuper said on 06-01-2010

    hi!

    first time to comment here…

    am actually at tears at the end of your letter (honestly!) sniff….its true…its as if i was the one who’s writting what you write Mr. Randall…parehong pareho ang pinagdadaanan and sometimes i get so desperate about how things are kasi naging suicidal na ako at some point. Sad but true :'(….well..lets not talk about that.

    Here at home, i am so scared of “coming out” for the fact that even my mother and my sister are not in good terms about the said sexualty (homophobic ata sila..well..from the words that are coming from their mouth ang basehan ko). I so admire you Randal and i do hope for the best for u..for us…sana one day…the world will just be a lil’ bit different for us…hmmm…come to think of it…the word “gay” is sooooo ironic on our situation rayt?….destiny i guess or maybe just a playful cruel world…hahaha!

    more power Randal and MGG.

    PS: Randall..and other interested people…if u dont mind…i just want a chat buddy to have thats all…pakilala na lang kayo if u decided to add little old me on ur list…its routh_south <–ym id! hope to hear from someone soon! hehe!

  68. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @paul Indeed, it is difficult. If not because of our society. Tsk.

  69. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @gbic Thank you sir! I will just send you an email. God bless!

  70. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @helios Thanks for taking time to share your inspirational thought with everyone.

  71. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Derick What a story I must say. Lucky you.

  72. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Prince Henry Hmmm.

  73. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @dontwannadoit Hi D! No, no i do not mind exchanging emails with you. Just let me know your email though. Thanks!

  74. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Acoknight That seems to be an interesting topic. Thanks for sharing.

  75. nd14 said on 05-01-2010

    Commenting here is a thing I really have to think about, considering the fact that many people I know (based on his descriptions) might be Randall… well, at least physically and age-wise. Add to that the “studying in one of the best universities in the Philippines” part (what if that meant THE University?). I’m scared of the fact that if I am connected with him through one person or another, doing this must just be as good as outing myself.

    If I were a few years older, I could have been in exactly in Randall’s position. An all-in-one package: pretty much the same here, and have felt strange about people’s praises for years. The “how I wish I were straight thing”? True. If this was the case, I won’t be as confused as I am now (and would probably not be single… hahaha!). Sometimes too, I wish I were born in a different society. Hearing stories of homosexual people, particularly those in US… going through life for people like us seems easier… LGBT centers, GSAs in schools and whatnot. And yes, outing myself, too, is a far possibility.

    I just felt like saying these things because this letter, as well as the comments, reinforced in me the notion that I am not alone; that I’m not just some freak dealing with a crazy set of problems. Plus, there’s virtually no one I could talk to about these things… because knowing my social circle, I could have just as well gotten advice from a heteronormativist , a gay basher, or a homophobe. So if asking online help from a stranger doesn’t sound so desperate to you, might just as well reply with your emails and I’ll be more than glad to share more things (because posting my email here is an even bigger risk). Then, I’ll get in touch as soon as possible.

  76. paul said on 05-01-2010

    Randall, marami tayong ganyan – golden boy ika nga. but as you get older, you realize you aren’t so golden after all. hopefully you get a bit more comfortable in your own skin (even just a bit).

    yeah it’s hard 🙁

  77. gbic said on 05-01-2010

    @randall: send me an email at gandalfgaladriel-at-gmail-dot-com. i look forward to hearing from you.

  78. AJ said on 05-01-2010

    Wow Randall, it seems as if I wrote the letter myself. I enjoyed reading it. I totally understand how you feel. I am actually going through the same thing. 21 years old here. Yeah, people look up to me too and I’m really scared that if they do find out they’d never see me in the same light again. But yeah, someday…I really hope that day comes. I wish you all the best!

  79. helios said on 05-01-2010

    I was quite blessed to have this wisdom from one of my then professors at The University (and now one of my really closest friends), back when I was about the same age having the same questions that you have now. And I quote, “Do not attempt to imprison yourself within society’s boundaries. Your heart is too vast and your nature too imponderable for labels … A person’s worth is not measured by age or gender but by his humanity and his ability to love and to feel love. Except to love, no lesson is required of Man.” Coming to terms with who you really are, especailly for people who share woes parallel to ours will never be a walk in the park. There are some who would deny themselves of their own acceptance of what is even when thier lives are already in closing. I am one of those who are truly blessed to have solid support from friends and family. But even with that, readings and experience still count for a lot in terms of shaping who we are. There is wisdom in books. There is wisdom in people … but never ignore the strength and resilience which your spirit holds. You have the ultimate power to define your being. All the best. 🙂

  80. derick said on 05-01-2010

    Lagi akong nilalait ng mga officemates ko dahil “duda” sila sa sexual preference ko. Yung mga straight na officemates tinatawanan ako dahil wala raw akong girlfriend for the longest time since nakilala nila ako. Yung mga open gays naman laging nagpaparinig na grupo sila ng mga nagpapakatotoo.

    Ang hindi nila alam ay:
    1. I am gay at proud ako being one.
    2. I have a boyfriend na kahit mga tunay na babae di nakakakuha ng boyfriend gaya ng boyfriend ko. Sorry di ako nagmamayabang pero to be honest may quality naman talaga on the physical looks.

    Masayahin akong tao at hindi ako nagpapa-apekto sa mga panlalait. Pero may mga panahon na talagang mapaglaro ang tadhana. Minsan, naisipan ng boyfriend ko na sunduin ako at hindi gaya ng dati pumasok siya sa waiting area kung saan klarong-klaro ang driver sa loob ng kotse. Napatulala ang mga bading at mga girls habang ang mga lalake deadma sa pangyayari.

    Pumasok lang ako sa kotse at sabay nag waive ng bye-bye. Sa loob ko, proud ako na ganito ako!

    Kinabukasan di ako magka-ugaga sa tanong ng mga nakarami at naging masaya ang lahat,

    ———

    Randall,

    I am sharing this experience because this might help.
    I cant fight against what society dictates, but I can play around with it.

    I am happy because I am proud of myself.

    All the best,
    Derick of Cebu

  81. robert said on 05-01-2010

    i feel for you randall.. i have been closeted since i had my first relationship at age 20…. i have been living a life that is weird since you have to be THIS to a lot of people.. i know in my heart if i come out, all of the people i know will be disappointed… but i know one thing is for sure, if my dream of being able to live-in with my bf for the longest time would come true, i wouldnt be ashamed to tell everyone.. i love this guy so much and so he is to me.. it really sucks being tagged and called by different names.. it really sucks to know that whenever you are going to be introduced, gay would always be second to your name.. it sucks to know that everytime you say or do something some people dont like, you will be throwned with different jokes related to being who we are… it really is complicated to get RESPECT from the so-called straight society… it is like infidelity, the weight of the sin on women is heavier than men… but i also realized that to be able to live a happy life is that you have to accept who you are… you take care my friend…the choice is yours… and whatever it is, live it with no regrets… 🙂

  82. Prince Henry (henry.prince1234@gmail.com) said on 05-01-2010

    @Randall:

    No, I am not a real teacher by profession. When abroad though, my university requested me to give some talks about Philippine History. Im into the natural sciences by profession. But given what you said, I think I have a hint where you study– the bastion of academic freedom and excellence? Isko?

    —Prince Henry

  83. John said on 05-01-2010

    Randall, gay or not, out or closeted, the most powerful powerful enemy is yourself. You seem to live to others’ expectations. That is not bad per se, but if it consumes you such that you begin to doubt yourself, then it troubles the mind and the heart. Appreciate yourself first. Write down the things you are most thankful about yourself until you find yourself grateful—-and even much better off than others who are most straight and macho. Our personhood is not defined by preferences. Trust yourself. And no worries, you are a bright young man.

  84. dontwannadoit said on 05-01-2010

    Randall,

    Hi, This may sound weird and perhaps others will think that I do have other intentions but hey would you mind if we are going to exchange emails? Just want to talk with you privately. An honest NO and YES answer is very much welcome. I´m in my mid twenties and just call me D. I will be waiting for your answer. Thanks.

  85. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    To everyone: I am very thankful that you have given your few cents here. It is good to know that I have felt your online support. Wish that i can really be fine as days go by. And that this dilemma will just disappear like a ship in a sea.

  86. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @ bluelightninglad Hello there! You are just a year older than me. I am pretty sure that what your are experiencing right now is almost the same as mine. Thank your for sharing your thoughts!

  87. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Diosdaddy I agree with you. There are some gays who are fond of making fun to those closeted men. Instead of ridiculing them, show your subliminal support. These homosexuals can really make day so irritating.

  88. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @konrad Wow! I admire you. For having the strength to out yourself. I wish i can do that someday.

  89. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Prince Henry Hi Sir! I am so overwhelmed when i read your long yet meaty comment. I hope you are one of the professors where i study. Surely, i am more than lucky if i were given the chance to be one of your students. Thank you sir. Thanks you!

  90. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Drew Hi! You know what, there came a point in time that i want to enter a seminary. So that i have a valid excuse from not entering marriage. But, i think i should face that, that there will be people, relatives, and friends asking me why i am not married when i reach this or that age. It got me thinking actually.

  91. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @JSpice Maybe, that is not the case. Most conservative heterosexuals have really different wavelength. They have different thinking. It is not that i do not trust my heterosexual friends, i am just too careful whom to tell my situation. The ones who will accept me without questions, you know, the people who will just embrace you then you know that with that embrace they let you feel their sincerity.

  92. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @LuvKou Thanks for your support! I really appreciate it.

  93. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Kitek Maybe, this year is the year for me to take a step higher on my sexuality. Thanks!

  94. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @gbic Hi! I appreciate your intention to meet me. I will surely think about it. By the way, may i know your email ad?

  95. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Jayson Hello! It is good to know that we are in the same shoes. At least, you definitely know what I am going through.

  96. Randall said on 05-01-2010

    @Nimrod Hi there! Thank you for appreciating those words.

  97. acoknight said on 05-01-2010

    just so you know, a person is not necessarily a homosexual when he is attracted to the same sex. an individual is deemed to be a homosexual when one already engages in sexual acts with the same sex. :>

    -from my sociology prof in a university at the heart of manila that is often dubbed as the venice in manila.

  98. bilogboy said on 04-01-2010

    this is so nice…if only everyone thinks and feel the same regardless of this so called gender….

  99. anton maton said on 04-01-2010

    sus… kakatamad mag-basa. dami kasi maeepal! :p

  100. bluelightninglad said on 04-01-2010

    Randall, I’m 21, and I’m not out as well. And I don’t think I would. And would probably marry a girl who my parents want me to marry in the near future.

    Ganyan talaga ang mundo, may double standard. Kapag si ganito ang gumawa nito okay lang, pero pag si ganun na, hindi na okay.

    Hindi din kasi malinaw kung ano ang tama at ano ang dapat. Ang tama ba ay dapat o ang dapat ay tama?

  101. •alchemist• said on 04-01-2010

    “Do homosexuals really need to be an achiever first so that they can feel accepted or be allowed to step at the arena of societal acceptance?” – kailangan nga ba ganito??

  102. diosdaddy said on 04-01-2010

    kaya nga let us encourage those who we believe are gay. huwag natin i tsismis, pag tawanan ang mga nagbabadya. kasi kahit tayong mga bakla ginagawa din natin kakatuwa ang mga nagbabadya. imbes na i am coming out ang drama nagtitimpi na lang. dapat padamihin natin ang mga bakla [ara maging majority tayo. kaya me discrimination kasi minority lang tayo. iyan ang realidad. huwag na mag pa ka intellectual about this discrimination. ang tamang solosyon ay paramihin ang mga bakla.. And this can be done kung tayo mismo ay hindi mapagkutya sa mga nag babadya

  103. konrad said on 04-01-2010

    Hello Randall,

    I am already 25, and have basically “OUTTED” myself to my barkada, and most of my family and relatives, when I was 19. I still could remember what happened, My friends and I were in a bar near our school and when I was a little tipsy, I bravely announced to my friends that I am gay and they all clapped and hugged me as if it was ok…. I think the struggle I have with these past years is how to “OUT” myself in a new crowd… It took me 3 weeks for me to tell my new workmates, when I worked in a call center before,… and it took me a month for me to announce to my new workmates what I am, in my present job as a social worker…. you see I chose to act “discreet”, not because I still have fear of being discriminated or rejected, it is more of a lifestyle choice. Having long hair or talk in gay lingo, or loving house music, is NOT ME… that is the reason why people, when they first see me, are always puzzling if I am straight or not… and I think it would not be unwise to say to new people… “Im Konrad, and I’m gay”. Anyway Randall, your letter is a nice read, the struggles and the pain you encountered is the same that I passed through in the past, but your possible “coming out” event doesn’t end your struggle. People, including “nosy-close minded” gays, still have some nasty things to talk about you… but don’t mind them… what’s important is your happy and you are in love with yourself and with the people that matters to you.

  104. jiles said on 04-01-2010

    i think you have to be out (kahit sa ilang friends o kakilala mo lang, some members of the family) for you to express yourself more. and you cannot be at your best pag totally discreet ka, mahirap. it’s like filling a balloon with air at sasabog na lang ito pag sobrang puno na ng hangin.

  105. Taekopenk said on 04-01-2010

    Well, the good news is, You can be who you really are, and STILL NOT COME OUT OF THE CLOSET. Ang tanong, e kung kaya mo ba, At ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari later on??

    Kung pipiliin mong patago-tago, Go. Ayaw mo nun, may suspense, mas exciting ang buhay. =)

  106. skye said on 04-01-2010

    i can’t believe i’m commenting again. but i have to say, back when i was 20, i was in somewhat the same dilemma. a lot of people were extremely proud of me. and for the most part, they (parents, friends, even strangers) see me as the “perfect” guy – good looking, well mannered, an overachiever and, well, straight. i admit that the attention felt great and i enjoyed the admiration. to some extent i, myself, had unconsciously put extra effort in keeping the attention and admiration. i was afraid to lose them. as i grew older, i started to get tired of “pretending” and “lying to myself”. little by little i chipped off my mask. freeing myself one step at a time. it isn’t an easy process, nor a fast one. at times, it was painful and difficult especially when people close to you start to notice the change then they start to ask and you are pressured to answer.

    the point here is that sooner or later you will get tired of wearing a mask. you will get to realize that happiness does not depend on other people nor on their admiration of the person you “pretend” to be. some people may react negatively to your sexual preference but you just have to deal with that. being gay is not a disease that makes you less admirable. it isn’t a crime that makes you less of a model citizen. it is part of who you are. and happiness does depend on self-acceptance.. on being proud of and comfortable with who you are. stop trying to please everybody, because you surely won’t be able to.. even if you are straight.

    ps: a lot of girls do fall for gay guys – both closeted and out. migs, this could be an interesting fabcasters topic.

  107. Edgar said on 04-01-2010

    Hayzzz, gay life is that complicated, sometimes or most of the times. Randall,it’s your decision not to come out, but the question is , until when? Will it take forever? Do you really have to suffer in pain and agony in silence?

    Make up your mind sister. Your coming out here in MGG is the first small step. Slowly ( but surely) begin the first step of treading the long and winding road of coming out in the closet. Ganyan din ako nung una, scared and full of fears. Pero nung masimulan ko na , easy na lang ang mga kasunod. Begin with your closest friends. Those na alam mong makakaintindi at makakaunawa.

    Think about this: ano ba ang mahalaga para sa akin – ang gawin ko ang bagay na ayaw ko para mapasaya ang ibang tao o ang gawin ko ang bagay na gusto ko kahit na hindi maging masaya ang ibang tao para sa akin ?

    God bless!!

  108. jose said on 03-01-2010

    “I hope one day I will wake up where heterosexuality is the new homosexuality. Let’s see how it will be. How they will struggle to fight for their rights and to protect their pride. Maybe, one day. One day.”

    oo nga no. sana kahit isang araw lang maramdaman nila yon. di dahil sa bitter ako. masaya ako na homosexual ako. pero sana mangyari pa rin un. para mas maintindihan nila ko at lahat ng homosexual sa mundo.

  109. Prince Henry (henry.prince1234@gmail.com) said on 03-01-2010

    Im sorry if that’s too lengthy.

  110. Prince Henry (henry.prince1234@gmail.com) said on 03-01-2010

    Dear Randall and Significant Readers,

    First off, your letter is very convincing and moving. I’m a relatively new reader of MGG. I, too, am in a struggle to define myself in a sexual/gender orientation aspect. My blog would define me as “a corporate royalty in one world and a slutty lost soul in another.” There is really a very thin line delineating homosexuality and heterosexuality. Thus, defining it in the strictest way is almost impossible. This wouldn’t arouse debate from different sectors if homosexuality and heterosexuality are clearly defined. To top it off, society may commit a blatant mistake by imposing cultural standards and discrimination against homosexuality.

    Second off, while reading your letter I cannot help but comment on the points raised. Since this MGG blog site is indeed dedicated to discuss issues on gayness , then let us elevate this conversation to a higher degree by enriching and reaffirming our penchant for the life of the mind.

    • It is difficult to be OUT in the closet. It is not only you who struggles on one like this. Many, in fact. While reading many articles on homosexuality, the most common reason why they are afraid to be OUT boils down to reputation. Then I read further. Robert Greene said: “So much depends on reputation— Guard it with your life.” Why? Reading further again uncovered, “Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone, you can intimidate and win; once it slips, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.” This is sad but true. If so much of your life depends on reputation, you will always do everything to guard it. If I remembered it correctly, a blogger here is a closeted military guy. He is in the rank. It would be very difficult for him because society frowns on gay military.

    • Successful gays are hailed and respected. Whilst they are given due respect, they also had an equal share of discriminatory experience. Yes, it is indeed very difficult to just say, I AM HOMOSEXUAL. PERIOD. Society is in itself discriminatory. And whether we like it or not, we will always be judged as bad or good, ugly or beautiful, gay or manly, homosexual or heterosexual, and so on. That is how it was and how it is. But who knows, maybe it will not be how it will be forever. Remember, women before were regarded as second class citizens and were not granted the right of suffrage. But this has now changed, quite a bit. So there is still hope. Nothing is really over until the moment we stopped trying. Just recently, the party-list Ladlad has been disqualified by the Comelec on many grounds. See what I mean?

    • On your question: “Will everyone achieve the capacity of real understanding? Of broad-mindedness?” No. The predisposed idea will always linger. Now majority, but maybe soon minority. How is this difficult? Because homosexuality is also an issue of morality. Now again, a very fragile concept that will trigger an age-long debate. But then, we can’t really say for sure. As always, it is always every generation’s dream to build a better life for the one’s to follow. And it is our task to craft a way towards that direction, for every generation sets its own and lives by its successes and failures. Ours maybe a generation of discrimination; but the future, we don’t know still. That is why we have to make our stand. You, what do you stand for? And what have to done to live up to it?

    Finally, Migs had said it very clearly– I wonder though, are you aware that there is this one very important person, more than anyone else, who should be admiring you, respecting you? That person is yourself. All these external achievements — what do they mean, if you yourself don’t learn to love the real person who’s responsible for them? How come people love you, yet you seem not to be able to give yourself that same love?

    However, a clear paradox lingers: while it makes sense that the most important “person” to satisfy is no other but our SELF, it is also true that this satisfaction greatly depends on the reinvention of one’s self as a member of a collective in-making called family, community, nation, and society. Without meaning to contribute to the constant refrain, let me just say there is no point in developing a sense of humanity that connects you only to family, friends and classmates and not to groups of people, communities, or country. The sense of belonging to a collective larger than ourselves, our families, our immediate circle of friends and colleagues is fundamental to our humanity. The most significant human successes have been those born out of collective action and here I speak both as a professor of history and a Filipino. What meaning would personal success have if all around you people live less than human beings? Indeed, what kind of humanity is it that selects the individuals one can relate to and deliberately disregards the humanness of others outside one’s particular circle of choice?

    How I long for the day when I can read age-old passages and say with utmost confidence, “How better, how infinitely better our situation is today than in the past!”

    After all, it takes acceptance to stay happy and fulfilled.

    Our generation is in the face of brisk changes in a world that is still unequal, and in many ways painfully unfair.

    May peace dwell in our hearts forever and even more than ever!

    For comments and clarifications, you can also email me at henry.prince1234@gmail.com

    —Prince Henry

  111. Drew said on 03-01-2010

    Reading Randall’s letter almost broke my heart. I was in the same kind of position years back. I never came out, but in time some people wondered why I have remained single when I’m considered as the most good-looking relative they know :). I’m quite successful in the corporate world and as some would put it I have it “ALL” I’m in my mid 30’s and up to this day every time I go to a family gathering I am constantly asked, “kailan ka kakasal?” Now, I’m thinking of actually giving them a straight answer. But I feel that i don’t need to explain them anything. I overheard an aunt saying in one of the gatherings, ” Sayang guwapo pa naman, bakla yata.”

    My word of advice: Just do whatever your heart tells you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on your sexual preference.

  112. dex said on 03-01-2010

    F_ _k the society! Do whatever that makes you really happy, after all at the end of the day it will just be you, respect and lover yourself more! Don’t be afraid people will tag you as “gay”, kahit ngayon masakit pa rin sa akin ang tawaging bakla, dahil siguro may kasamang pangungutya but then you don’t have to prove them anything.. what is important is yourself, kelangan happy at may peace…

  113. Jspice said on 03-01-2010

    “I want those heterosexuals who are against homosexuals to realize that it is not easy being one.”

    They cant realize something wrong when you yourself cant accept who are and tell the world your gay.

    They cannot respect the homosexual in you because you hide it from them. Heterosexuals cant ACCEPT who you are because you dont accept who you are. When your out, you dont demand admiration but ACCEPTANCE.

    How can they respect us when we dont even tell the truth.

  114. migz said on 03-01-2010

    pareho tayo ng experience. Nakakalungkot lng talaga, marami ngang nagkaka-crush sa ating girls, pero yung type natin, hindi tayo type. huhu

  115. RICHTER said on 03-01-2010

    w/c ever part of the fence we belong?..we have our own struggles to make and we have to embrace it w/ acceptance. we’re all humans. , and we all deserve to experience both sides of life..to make us better person. it is our being good and productive member of the society that would make us worthy part of a community ,not by whatever sexual preference we have.

  116. Luvkou said on 03-01-2010

    Thank you Randall! Di ka nagiisa! There are more here and there. I appreciate your coming out at MGG and by doing so you are also opening up the horizon where you can share your vision and desires with no strings attached, meaning, you can be yourself. No fear. Be like water that seeks its own level. Don’t cheat on yourself any longer. Discover and enjoy yourself to the fullest in your quest for the real meaning of “LOVE” and being loved. Welcome and no turning back!

  117. tralala said on 03-01-2010

    kalerka

  118. kitek said on 03-01-2010

    what gbic said is right. in as much as you want to dwell alone in your current situation, perhaps it is better to talk to other people who have gone through the same thing. and mind you, it is a situation that most, if not all of us, have gone through. their stories may provide you with a new perspective.

    but, it is also important to see that self-acceptance will be both your greatest achievement and hardest challenge. love yourself for who you are, and it will be the best thing you will ever feel. i can confidently say that it was even better than any feeling i had from achievements or adoration. and though you value these people who look up to you, who else will look up to you in the end but yourself?

    good luck to you 🙂

  119. douggy said on 03-01-2010

    well..well..well… It is the problem of our society to treat gays as inferior to them. But the truth is, the society gets some benefits from us.

  120. gbic said on 03-01-2010

    randall: are you from ateneo? i’ll be there for most of january. if you’re willing to meet, i can tell you a little about growing up gay, maybe introduce you to some people who can make life easier. and don’t worry, i’m just looking for someone to have lunch or coffee with =) if you or any other ateneans reading this want to meet at the loyola campus, leave a comment on my blog and we’ll take it from there.

  121. imurnaughtylildevil said on 03-01-2010

    randall… most of us are going or have gone through that state… just enjoy the experience, but also take time to reflect. find your center so you would be able to come into terms with yourself. wouldnt it be nice if you can both enjoy your ideal and real self? there will come a time that you will be able to overcome your fears. the only thing to fear is fear itself ika nga nila… and once you overcome it you are much better and stronger 🙂 wishing you the best!

  122. jayson said on 03-01-2010

    I feel the same way Randall, like you I am sort-of a golden boy. Good son, good student, and an admired one, too. And like you, I am closeted, with no plans of “coming out.” …Because first of all I find the term very comic-y, very casual. Wala bang formal term para dun?! It’s like by the time we reveal ourselves, by the time we “come out,” o ayan na, ola, mardi gras na. “We came out! Colorfully!” Stereotype na agad.
    Going back, I feel that everything that I have built – lahat ng achievements – will just be undermined by the time they find out that I am gay. I can already feel the disappointment. Alam naman natin na dito sa Pilipinas, pag bading, although dignified, eh parang kasiraan na. “Sayang bading, honor student pa naman.” When I hear things like that I think, ano ba tayo? Damaged goods? (And I sometimes hear it from mothers – mothers! The only people we expect to “accept.”) Balewala na lahat ng itinaguyod mo para sa sarili mo, when then find out that you are gay, YUN KA NA LANG, nothing else.
    …But that’s just speaking out of fear. I am a smart boy, and more than me, I’m sure you are too. (Pardon my change of tone, I’m writing for a textbox, i-overlook na natin ang composition.) Yeah, we wish to experience how it feels to be a ‘normal’ guy (and stop pretending we lust over FHM covergirls), and yeah, we see the faults of this society, pero ikaw na mismo ang nagsabi, Randall, we are born this way. And if you believe that we are born a certain way, most likely, you also believe that we are meant to do certain things. So what if, you and I, Randall, in our own private lives, do something that will smash the notions of people about us? Patunayan natin sa kanila that being gay is not a weakness, but otherwise? Alam kong mahirap, pero I look forward to the time na io-overlook na ng society ang sexuality ng isang tao (see their character instead), and I think I can help build that. Neil Patrick Harris did it (to cite an example). Ellen DeGeneres. Kung mas maraming taong ganun, mas mataas ang chances na mai-raise natin ang awareness sa mga tao na gayness is just a teenee-tiny part of our…humanity. I just have to get over the fact that I have to ‘come out.’ Ulk..
    Hehehehehe.

  123. guyrony said on 03-01-2010

    People make biased opinions based on what they were accustomed to. If you wish not to out yourself, that’s a decision you have to stick to. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if you out yourself or not as long as you accept yourself for who you are. Having the right to decide not to come out to people is a personal right and it is your right to keep it. In due time you will know what to do. Just ask for guidance. Happy New Year Randall.

  124. MaxX said on 03-01-2010

    Hi Randall! I know how you feel, right in the crossroads and experiencing dilemmas attributed to gays/bi’s, but sadly what you have written is true. However it is up to you on how to break out of the stereotypes and create your own YOU. Definition limits individuals, and you should not be intimidated by that. Hey be proud and @ 20 you sure do have a long way to go!

  125. Nimrod said on 03-01-2010

    “I want those heterosexuals who are against homosexuals to realize that it is not easy being one.”

    “Do homosexuals really need to be an achiever first so that they can feel accepted or be allowed to step at the arena of societal acceptance? Or, can that be I AM HOMOSEXUAL. PERIOD. ?”

    Nice messages… Thank you Randall…. Thank you!!!!

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