I am Randall (not my real name though), 20 years of age, studying in one of the best universities in the Philippines. I accidentally saw your site when Wanda Ilusyunada was featured on Y Speak. It was 2007 if my memory serves me right. I one by one checked his Pink Mafia (his friends) and there you were. The green-ish and glittering Manila Gay Guide site I saw that time. Hehe. Of all the sites I visited in the list, indeed, you have the most sensible topics and I must say very updated. From then on, there was no day that I will not click a new tab to browse your site every time I am online. I love everything on your site. The best part? The true-to-life letters and the candid comments of the people.
I must admit, I am a closeted guy. I havenâ€™t confirmed it yet to anyone even to my family and best friends. But you know whatâ€™s weird? I do not like being tagged as one. I just canâ€™t explain why. Or maybe, I just donâ€™t want to know why.
Before reaching 20, I do not really know where my line was. Honestly speaking. But as time passes by and as I get older, Iâ€™m able to sway away those clouds blocking my way.
I have to tell you the truth. I do not see myself outing to everyone. There are a lot of people who look up to me. The catch in here is that they are younger than me. Grade schoolers then looked up to me as their Kuya. Even those in high school who were batch/es junior than me. These are the people who really admired me during my high school years and I guess until now. Left and right, girls had crushes on me. Why I say so? They said that I am a total package: a man with looks, intelligence, and character. All rolled into one. How I wish I really am that man they have in their minds. As well, my relatives here and abroad, Im pretty sure that they do not know the other side of me. And if in case I out myself to them, my world and theirs too will surely shake off. And I donâ€™t want that to happen. They will surely get disappointed.
You know what, I feel unfortunate that I live in our society. A society who looks at homosexuals as inferior beings. For me, I believe that being homosexual is born, it is not influenced or acquired. For those late bloomers, like me, we were just not able to discover it immediately. It is just there. It is just waiting for us, for us to recognize it.
I want those heterosexuals who are against homosexuals to realize that it is not easy being one. There were times that I incredibly envy those straight guys. I want to experience how it feels to stare and find satisfaction on those womenâ€™s flawless and white legs. I want to know how it is like to fantasize a sexy body of a sexy star printed on a magazine. I want to experience how it will be to talk over the boobs and the butts of those and these girls. I also want to know the feeling or the excitement every time a guy gets the chance to peep at those cleavages. The feeling of playing a basketball game in a school or barangay league. You know the basic boy things. And I really want to feel how it is really to be a real gentleman. There were even times I wish that I am a straight guy so that I will not experience an indirect discrimination from our society, to be in the minority. I want these to happen to belong.
It makes me even sadder when people praise this and that gay because he became the richest stylist, the best businessman, the most intelligent student and etcetera and etcetera. It made me think actually. Do homosexuals really need to be an achiever first so that they can feel accepted or be allowed to step at the arena of societal acceptance? Or, can that be I AM HOMOSEXUAL. PERIOD. ?
Why do homosexuals need to experience these biased things? When will everyone achieve the capacity of real understanding? Of broad-mindedness? Because I firmly believe that homosexuals should be treated the heterosexual way (donâ€™t raise your eyebrow, it itches me too because the society has the default standard-heterosexuality).
In my situation, I must say it is really hard. I hope it is easy as 1, 2, 3 and A, B, C. I finally decided to write a letter to you because I want every one who visits this site that it feels like dying every time I hide in my closet. I feel like I am a liar to myself. It is like I am good at backstabbing my trueness you know. And yet, I foresee that once I let my trueness be seen by others, it will be a suicide. Instead of getting better, it might become a sharp dagger. I know there will be people who will tell me to out myself as soon as possible but I really do not see it coming, me outing myself to the world. Iâ€™m sorry. I am happy this way, or, perhaps, I should be happy the way it is. Oh my gawd, I hate this. This society that always finds flaws to others yet in the first place that society is flawful. I hope one day I will wake up where heterosexuality is the new homosexuality. Letâ€™s see how it will be. How they will struggle to fight for their rights and to protect their pride. Maybe, one day. One day.
At 20 years old, you are a bright young chap. Reading your letter, I know, I am quite sure, that you have answers to your own questions. Obviously, you have a sharp mind, and I must say you’re quite articulate in words. No wonder people regard you very highly, as you yourself said in your letter, “There are a lot of people who look up to me.” They admire you a lot. They respect you a lot. I wonder though, are you aware that there is this one very important person, more than anyone else, who should be admiring you, respecting you? That person is yourself. All these external achievements — what do they mean, if you yourself don’t learn to love the real person who’s responsible for them? How come people love you, yet you seem not to be able to give yourself that same love?
Embrace who you are, Randall. He’s been quite lonely — only because you’ve somehow distanced yourself from him. See wonders as you try to get more acquainted with your real self. And as you wish for society to accept us homosexuals wholeheartedly, I too fervently wish that you find the strength and that unique love to accept who you are, what you are, wholeheartedly.
Be well, my dear Randall. World Peace!