Writing you this letter was actually a decision I had to make. Not that it’s hard to do but maybe I just thought of asking for a little help from you.
My name is Robert and I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I found out about your blog while I was scanning a certain magazine. And from then on, I got interested in reading your articles. The reason why I’m writing you this letter it’s because I’m having this “difficulty”, a situation where I don’t know what to do. I have never talked to anybody about this yet and hopefully I could get some piece of opinion from you.
Geo and I have been friends since early last year. We work at the same place but now we work in different departments as I recently got a promotion about a month ago. We recently just became quite close because of one sad event. Geo just broke up 3 weeks ago with his long time girlfriend, Kris, who happens to be one of my closest friends as well.. When they were still together, I always look up to these two guys since they are always the first ones to save my butt at work and their one of the reasons why I got the promotion I wanted. And, yes, their break-up greatly affected me as well. After that sad event, Geo had suddenly started texting me, asking me if there were any plans of going on a night out to drink with some friends which was very unusual. Geo is the type of guy who doesn’t really like going out to get some drink. From then on, we suddenly got closer than before. We never talked about how sad the break up was or whatever happened between him and Kris, instead we just drink the night away and have fun while talking about a lot of stuff. Yes, it made me wonder why Geo chose me as his company. First, he knows I’m gay (although I don’t look like one); Second, he knows I like him; and Third? I don’t know… I really don’t know. But a few days after, he answered my question when one of our friends noticed our sudden closeness.
“Parehas kasi kami ng mga hilig eh. Isa pa di naman to mahirap kausap lalo na pag inuman ang usapan…”
Yup, he says we have the same interests (apart from girls that is) which I then noticed as time passed by. And by the tone of his voice, I could say he really needed me just to be there for him in his saddest.
Here is where the problem starts. The more we get closer, the more my feelings start to develop. I tried denying it at first but I figured out I can’t. I suddenly noticed that everytime I’m having a chat with friends, I never forget to mention his name every time. When we’re not together, I sometimes think about me and him getting together (which I thought was very absurd). Yes, my thoughts were pleasant and alarming at the same time. Why alarming? Because people know for a fact that I am close to both him and his ex-gf. That’s the reason why I said I haven’t told anyone about this yet. I don’t want them to think that I’m that gay slut between Geo and Kris.. When I got to watch MMK last night, I told myself ayokong mangyari to sakin. Although there were no evidences, or chances so to speak, of them getting back, people still want them to reconcile and continue their 4-year relationship. And to say, I am actually one of those people who’d want to see them back together.
One time, when Geo and I ate somewhere with a friend after drinking the whole night, the conversation struck me.
Friend: “ba’t parati na kayong magkasama? Baka magkatuluyan na kayo ha!”
Me: “bakit naman hindi?” I jokingly answered.
It was at that moment when I heard him answer “why not?” at the same time. We just laughed about it while I was thinking ba’t nga naman talaga hindi? It wasn’t the first time he joked about liking me or about us being together. There was even one time when he joked around and told our friend malay mo, baka ang type ko na ay si… Robert??
They say jokes are half meant, well, 3/4s meant for some. I kinda understand why he’s so at ease with fooling people about what’s going on between us. Maybe it’s because he trusts me enough knowing that I won’t humiliate him in front of friends. That’s why I could say love gets too confusing because you know you’re about to fall but you also know you can’t because you’re not supposed to. I can’t blame myself for liking, or should I say falling for him because physically, Geo is very attractive. Tall and bald, just the way I like it. Personality wise, he’s such a gentleman, he’s very intelligent, he has such a great humor, he sings well and maybe the list still goes on.
I don’t wanna compromise the friendship that we have right now just because of my unbalanced thoughts. I enjoy every moment I have with him because I can never tell when’s this friendship gonna end. I know there are a lot of people talking behind me and I’m afraid Geo would start listening to them someday. I also wouldn’t want to look like the big slut who took away Geo from Kris. I know I’m a slut but maybe now’s not a good time.
I really hope you could respond to this personally or in whichever way you can. I just needed to vent this out to somebody just to make sure my mind is still in its sane state. I wanna know if continuing this friendship with him is still healthy for both of us or not. Well, thanks for taking time in reading this crap.
What a timely letter you sent me. Thank you. I feel that a lot of our experiences are both common (shared and similar) and unique (not exactly the same as anything else). I can identify with you, yet I know your situation is also very unique because of the people involved. So let me share my thoughts freely, and I’ll let you pick what you feel is useful, and leave others that are not behind.
Seems to me that your dilemma is about getting clarity about your relationship with Geo. Kasi naman, ang sarap ng feeling being with him di ba? Nakakakilig lalo na yang mga jokes (half or three-quarters meant) na parang may laman, mga bonding times together, etc. I can feel from the way you wrote your letter that you enjoy this thing that you have with Geo. Savor it, Robert. I say live with the present, savor every emotion, every breath, every moment you are with him; make the most of each meeting, each drinking session, enjoy the friendship as if it will end the next moment. Ngunit imbis na panggigilan mo, subukan mong maging mas payapa. Dahil sa pagiging mas payapa mas malalasap mo ang tamis ng inyong pagiging magkasama. Darating ang panahon na hindi mo na makakayanan ang bugso ng iyong damdamin, at kailangan mo ng magdesisyon — magbubukas ka ba ng iyong kalooban kay Geo tungkol sa tunay na nararamdaman mo o hindi. When that time comes, if you’ve truly been paying attention to the wonderful “stituationship” you’ve so far enjoyed with Geo, you will never go wrong. Be open to him, and feel what he truly wants for himself as well. But also, be open to yourself. Honor your feelings, they are telling you something. However your story goes, proceeds, or ends, I wish you feel gratitude for what the universe has offered you. Such a beautiful friendship. Whether you open up or not, whether you get rejected or bring the relationship to a higher level, know that you’ve received much. Be well.