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Hi Migs,

I never thought that the day would come that I would be the one writing to you. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your views on different dilemmas sent to you by your viewers. I need some sort of advice regarding my case. Just call me John, 22 years old, hurting and sad. My story just happened recently so everything is fresh from my memory. One day (to be exact February 13,2010), this guy (let’s just call him Renz, 29 years old) called me up. I knew where he got my number but I won’t mention it here anymore. He was a stranger. We talked for a very short time only because I was about to go somewhere. After our conversation, we exchanged a few text messages. When I got home, he called again. We talked for a very long time. I felt at ease talking to him. We exchanged infos about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, our funny stories etc. It felt really good just talking to him. We joked about our boo-boos and all. He would sometimes say “I love you baby” in the middle of the conversation. At first, I just gave him a nervous laugh and told him “sira ka talaga”. I won’t deny the fact that I was really ‘kilig’ and I felt butterflies in my stomach. Before we ended our 3-hour conversation before midnight, I just caught myself saying I love him. I know I was such fool. Oo, nagpa-uto ako.
He called up again around 1am, Feb 14. We shared stories again, greeted each other happy valentines and said our I love yous a couple more times. Then he admitted he is currently in a relationship. He said he and his partner is going through some issues. He told me almost everything about himself, the relationships he had, how they all ended, pretty much everything! He said he sometimes feels lonely and I just cant help but make him feel better. I knew that I am beginning to fall for him. Napaka gullible ko talaga. I told him almost everything about me as well. I told him that not a single soul knows that I’m like this. He was the first one to know about who I really am. Before we went to sleep around 5:30am, the last thing we said was I love you. We didn’t hang up the phone. We slept with our headphones on. It was going on smoothly for a couple of days. We met up one time. He had errands to do for his partner and I accompanied him. Ang tanga ko talaga. Masochist much? He is really good looking. Everything I envisioned him to be, yun sya. When we were eating, he joked about sleeping on my lap. When we were waiting for a ride home he said “kiss mo muna ako” then on our way home, he whispered to me “asan na ang kiss ko?” Syempre I didn’t do it (pero gusto ko talaga). After that, we were still okay. After a couple of days though, he suddenly changed. We used to talk everynight, text each other constantly, he even calls me when he is at work. I think he felt guilty about what he is doing to his partner. Oo I shouldn’t have let it gone this far. What would I feel if I was the partner? Pero I was ‘inlove’ with him that I didn’t care what anyone feels. When things were starting to fall apart, I felt devastated. It was my first time to open myself to someone and it felt bad. He said he wants us to be friends. I know he does and I want it too. Kaso he became so dense and minsan ang NR nya. I know he’s doing that for me not to fall deeper. I just wanna talk to him not to work things out but just explain that being dense to me is doing no good. He told me once “makakahanap ka din ng para sayo”. Wow, define bullshit? I know that. Although I know he said that with the intention of making me feel better, it didn’t make me feel better. I just want him to acknowledge that at this point, Im in pain. He wants me to move on faster but that’s not something I can do in a snap, right? It’s not like I can just forget everything when I close my eyes. Opening up yourself to someone is like giving them the power to hurt you, and sometimes it’s not worth that risk. Ang sakit. Ang sakit pa rin. I can’t move on. Maybe because it was my first. And although I know it was my fault since nag fall ako kahit na alam kong he’s in a relationship, he is partly to blame dahil sinabi nyang mahal nya ako. Umasa ako Migs. Sino ba naman ang hindi, diba? I’m stuck in ground zero. Hindi ako maka move on. Remembering our previous conversations brings me to tears. Siguro sa tingin mo ang OA ko naman, but ang sakit talaga. Iba kasi talaga yung nafeel ko kanya. And alam kong may nafeel din sya for me. How do I recover from this experience? Salamat.
John

* * *

My dear John,

You fell, and fell hard. It’s amazing how this story is repeated, cycled, and recycled by many people (not exclusively among people like us). But you know, however painful you are feeling right now, I see a glimmer of beauty in all these. I hope that you too, amidst all the darkness you are in right now, begin to see this little sparkle in the horizon. And I’m talking about this — your desire to be one with someone, to share yourself, your little secrets, your unopened life story. You are so full of good things, brimming, overflowing, that your soul so powerfully reaches out to another, celebrating, unifying, loving.

It happens that Renz, your object of affection, that other soul, have issues of his own. And as he struggles and feels his way through his own complex web of issues, your soul which is just eager to be with his, just cannot. This is the source of your pain. Your pain is not caused by the past, nor by Renz, nor by anything else. It is caused by your soul’s desire to reach out and find another to share and celebrate its goodness, its love. So, as you ask, “how do I recover from this experience,” my thoughts go to this source of your pain. How can you tend to your loving soul — that which only wants to share, to celebrate, to love, and to revel in joy? As I write this, as we together frame your situation this way, notice that it is more about using your soul’s energy in a different way. If before, you have Renz as the object of your soul’s energy, perhaps you can find other channels and objects — friends, family, pet, work, etc. — as your new object of love and affection? I would recommend though that one of the first things you’d consider is your own soul. Yes, your soul loving, aligning, affirming its own. This is the best opportunity to do that, now that you are hurting. The big question is: how?

Loving one’s self is not very easy because we’ve always been taught to be selfless, that being selfish is bad, etc. Now I tell you, no, now is the best time (it’s always the best time) to love yourself. Use your heart to feel what your soul is asking for. Notice how your emotions are guiding you to what your soul needs and wants. Avoid wallowing in the past (it can only make you feel more stuck and immobilized), and instead focus on your soul’s desire to joyfully, cheerfully give and share, to love; open your eyes and you will see that many others, not only Renz, can be the object of your soul’s fire. Only when you really tend to your soul can it be aligned to who you really are inside — and when that alignment happens, you will know, because you will experience joy, so unmistakable and so powerful that it cannot not radiate out to others. Try it. See how it changes things.

John, I wish you a break in the drama, and lots of energy to follow your bliss. I think of you at your best and happiest. World Peace!

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Comments (46)

  1. philip said on 11-03-2011

    this 1 hurts!

  2. pipo canizares said on 11-03-2011

    ooohhh…touch ako dito…nice advices! 09158086312

  3. tubero said on 02-03-2011

    John, we were once in the same situation. Pare its hard and heartbreaking. Sa ganyang setting, we tend to give everything we have without leaving anything for ourselves.

    Yung mga taong malapit at nagmamahal sa atin, we tend to forget them because our focus is on that very special person na hindi naman natin matatawag na atin.

    Kung para talaga kayo sa isa’t isa, magiging kayo sa tamang paraan. If he really loves you, aayusin nya muna ang gusot nya. Pag di nya kayang gawin then either mahal nya po talaga yung isa.

    Marami pa jang iba. If ever sasabihin mo sa akin, ‘oo marami pa dyang iba pero nag-iisa lang sya’, sasabunutan ko ang armpit mo!

    Spend more time with friends and family. Do your responsibilities sa work. Be workaholic. At the end of the day, nakalimutan mo na sya, naging productive ka pa. Time has its way of healing wounds. Goodluck!

  4. jun said on 21-02-2011

    just leave it that way pare, after a week or two of crying (just enjoy these times of grief, meaning cry when you need and when you want to and pray that next time youll be wiser) its time to move on, and wait for the time when you will realize that your glad you had that experience.

  5. geek-o said on 08-07-2010

    tito migs, that was intense? san academy ka nagenrol sa love advise, maybe I cah enrol in a crash course, lol

    anyway, John… I think what you are feeling are perfectly legitimate. nasaktan ka and you ought to express it. maybe you really had been gullible. In one way or another, we all had been. On the other hand, life is too short to waste too much on “mourning.” Literally. I am 23 and am dignosed with some effing disease, might be the end of me but I continue to enjoy life because I know time is nobody’s luxury.

    continue to search for your “soul sister” and while you are at it, hindi masama mgpraktis at magpakasaya (sabi nga ng kaopisina ko, while waiting fopr the one, goi lang, praktis ka lang sa iba para pg duamting xa, master mo na ang do’s and dont’s) o di ba, panalo?! hehehe

  6. jm said on 22-04-2010

    im new here since yesterday, i really enjoy your blog, it’s not only entertaining but the best part of it is that i’m learning new things and ways to live a happy life…great blog high-5!

  7. aug said on 24-03-2010

    I know how you feel..i just came out from a year of relationship and it really hurts..but for sure time heals….

  8. rt said on 12-03-2010

    That’s how we grow up in life. Time heals all wounds. You’ll smile someday once you’re over it – which you will.

  9. Cruiser Dude said on 12-03-2010

    It’s hurt, it’s hurt, it’s hurt….I mean it hurts….

  10. trgo2001 said on 09-03-2010

    sad story. hope you feel better!

  11. Mike said on 08-03-2010

    kahiya ang haba pla mxado ng naisulat ko.. haha.. pro tol don’t give up on urself.. kaya mo yn..

  12. Mike said on 08-03-2010

    wow.. *goosebump!* alam mo bkit John? kc we have ALMOST d same story.. HALOS EXAKTO tlga.. well, let’s just say n ALMOST same start but different ending.. (still hoping for a forever ending) i’ll tel u why..

    let me start off by saying sorry for your pain.. I really agree withTony.. that was a very critical explanation.. I’ve never been to this kind of heartache before.. butI can advice that for d mean tym, occupy yourself cguro w/ something else.. wag muna SOMEONE else ha.. tama c migs.. frends, fmily, pets or i suggest sports.. basketball like me.. dun ko bnuhos sama ng loob ko minsan.. pro i’m sure time will heal d wound John.. and it will b soonr kung tutulungn mo ang sarili mo.. ok tol? cheer up!

    now kung bakit almost same story tyo.. first of all, we have the same age.. i’m 22 back then.. but my partner is 28.. and we met on d 13th of february as well 2007.. for d first week we were textng pro tinigil ko kc d ako sure.. pareho kc tyo first tym ko dn ito.. unfortunately durng this tym n nwala ako he fell for somebody else.. pnakilala dw s knya ng frend nya.. d ko xa masisi kc tlgang iniwan ko xa s ere.. prang dnurog dw ung puso nya s gnawa ko noon & he felt n he needed someone to help him move on.. so almost 3months passed n d ako ngparamdm pro durng this tym ngiisip ako.. kyalng nung tym n mgparamdm ako s knya.. dun ko nlamn n commitd n pla xa.. ansakit.. ganun kbilis ang karma.. pro lyk u d ko snuko.. masama mn ang gnawa ko n inagaw ko xa.. inisip ko nlng n ako nmn ang tlgang nauna.. we were meeting n d alm nung isa.. pro wlang make love ha, just plain love.. cguro kissing meron nmn.. and lucky for me cause it paid off.. nlamn nyang niloloko xa nung kumag n lalake & i didn’t leave him behind.. hindi ko ggawin s kanya un & alm ko nmng d nya rn mgagawa sakn un.. mg 3 years n kmi this June & we are still happily in love.. although tama c Tony about s age gap, siguro ang nging sikreto ng samahn nmin is ung pgiging undrstandng nya.. alm nyang bata p ako that tym & s halip n iwan ako at mgsawa s mga away nmin noon.. pnili nyang intindhin ako at samahng matuto.. kya masaya ako s pgmamahal n ibnigay nya at ibnibigay nya.. at isa p cguro prehas kming relasyon tlga ang hanap.. hindi pnsamantlang saya.. someone n ksama mong tatanda.. s panahon kc ngaun marami lalo kabataan ang ngpapadala s tawag ng laman.. alam nyo na.. at pra sakn hndi magandng umpisahn s ganun ang relasyon.. hindi s pgbubuhat ng sarilng bangko pro pareho kming gud looking.. hehe.. at madalng humanap ng mgpapasaya syo sandali pro aftr nun anu n? db? s totoo d ako pumayag n mg i love u kmi s isat isa until mkilala nmin ang isat isa ng ms malalim.. tlgang my ligawan! tangna prang lalake at babae tlga! haha.. at wlang nangyari samin until naging kmi na.. haha.. totoo yn tol! & now i can say n d ako ngkamali.. pero nothng’s certain kya i’m still hoping n pnghabambuhay n to., sbi ko s sarili ko n he’d b my first & last.. sna kmi n tlga in God’s will..

    kya John move on.. God has plans.. bka my someone better n daratng.. just b thankful n nexperience mo to.. cguro pra pg dumatng ung ryt guy.. strongr k n and ready k n pra s knya..

  13. helios said on 08-03-2010

    I’ve been through almost the same situation with the first guy I ever fell “in-love” with. The only difference is, then, I didn’t have the same courage to tell him how I feel. But John, you could not go on by looking back and pointing fingers on whom to blame. Renz had told you the truth to the matter and that is that. And while he may silently acknowledge your pain, what would you have him do with it? Or if he ignores it completely, then what use would it be for you to hold on? Do not be a victim of the hurt you feel. It is your first heartbreak … and there might be a couple more or so. Empower yourself by knowing that – although it helps strengthen character – this ordeal alone does not shape your life entirely. I believe you know what to do. All the best.

  14. JOHN said on 08-03-2010

    Hi guys
    thank you for all the comments. appreciate them all. just an update. we dont talk anymore. and i was really surprised na there is someone na sinalo ako kahit na i was at my worst. lahat ng kulang, lahat ng hindi ginawa ni renz, sya ang gumawa. You might think na panakip butas lang sya, pero dahil sa kanya narealize ko bigla na bakit ko sasayangin ang luha ko sa isang tao na ginive up ako. this new guy made me feel that i am the choice and not just the option. he made me feel that i am worth it. yun lang. maraming salamat sa inyo. -JOHN

  15. mart said on 07-03-2010

    yah this is a common or we could call recycled story.we’ve been on ds kind of stuation so many times.jz learn 2 4get and nt 2 xpect.itz 4 ur own gud.dnt fall too mch..

  16. tyrone_ said on 07-03-2010

    Savour every moment and learn from it. It maybe very painful but you’ll learn from it. And Migs is right, it’s a cycle that just keeps on repeating. Wag mo na lang ulitin na maging second best. There is no happiness in knowing that you’re “JUST a Kalaguyo”

  17. Jephii said on 05-03-2010

    Read in a blog elsewhere na kaya tayo humihingi ng advide kasi gusto nating marinig yung mga naiisip nating tamang gawin, ngunit di pa kayang isagawa.

    Stupid right? Bullshit right?
    But TRUE.
    You very well know kung ano ang dapat gawin. nagbibingi-bingihan ka lang sa boses na nanggagaling sayo. ang gusto mo yung isasaksak pa ang harsh truth sa iyo.

    Not that is a real masochist!

  18. prince said on 04-03-2010

    john, gising na!

  19. eric said on 04-03-2010

    John, there is nothing to be afraid of grieving over your failed relationship even if it was just for a short time. As the song goes, “let the pain remain”. You are just human and its so sad to know that things will end up like this, when you have perhaps invested a lot, “yourself”, to the one whom you thought will be for you. Giving yourself sometime to feel the pain could open up new things in your life…a learning experience. Your still young and many things will still come up.

  20. dandylion said on 03-03-2010

    Nakakatouch ang story ni John, medyo common situation nga. Fantastic , very relevant and comforting naman ang advice ni Migs. Nakakaadik talaga ang blog na to. Marami kang mapupulot na magagandang insights. Natural instinct talaga ito sa mga bading no? Malawak ang pangunawa. Siguro kaya binibigyan ng problema ang mga bading kasi marunong sila maghandle at mag cope up. Napakaganda rin ng point of views ng ibang nagcocomment. Kudos. Galing nyo lahat.

  21. belle said on 03-03-2010

    a lot of people mistake love for infatuation. the truth is you fell because he’s everything you want him to be, and ang ending nung na realize nya na ayaw nya sa yo, ayan wasak ka tuloy. halatang naive ka pa. antay ka ng mga after a few years and heartaches later matututo ka din. 🙂

  22. pnyorker said on 03-03-2010

    Aray ko! Ako ata ang Renz. But I can’t go on on something not really worth my while. Live and learn people!

  23. Winterking said on 02-03-2010

    well.. maybe we just need to be cautious. its really great to fall in love BUT if you give everything in the relationship then you are doom. I agree with Tony na Age do really count sa relationship. Even people tells you na they are matured na in their young age.. iba pa rin yung dumaan ka maturity ng panahon. take this experience as your grounding moment para kahit ano pa yung dumating sa iyo.. alam mo kung ano ka at alam mo kung saan yung lugar mo. I can relate kasi kagagaling ko lang dyan… very recent.. mas matindi pa kasi I gave him 4 chances and out of 4, thrice nya ako hinahamon ng hiwalayan everytime na may di kami pagkakasunduan until the day I decided to stop all the emotional and psychological torture na pinadama nya sa akin sa loob ng 10 months. I know its sad..pero hindi para sa kanya I told him the sad part is not the break up.. its the time when I started to reconstruct my future plans kasama sya. Now.. heto patapos na ako sa Masters ko.. and you know what I learned? mabuti na lang di ko pinabayaan ang sarili ko kasi even though the relationship didnt prosper… may nangyayari at mangyayari pa din na maganda sa buhay ko dahil I didnt gave up my original plan… siguro sa ngayon I want to be with friends.. 9174621348

  24. mark lopez said on 02-03-2010

    ako din so many times na fall…….minsan marami din nabubulag…..pero pag alam ko na meron sya ako mismo lumalayo …..siguro tanga ako. Or gusto ko lang maging fair sa bi na maaagawan ko….Dapat maging fair diba ?kahit pagluha ko ang kapalit. my sun 09325148415 i need more friends

  25. yurie said on 02-03-2010

    that was a great advice., thanks migs I’ve learned a lots from you.

  26. bluelightninglad said on 01-03-2010

    John, I’m 21, from QC.

    Hindi ako gwapo, hindi maputi, 5foot6 lang ako, hindi ako mayaman, pero hindi ako nananakit ng tao. Date me. 🙂

    Ray

  27. Tony said on 01-03-2010

    Hey John. Whatever anyone will say will not help you in whatever you go through. You might say thanks, but no thanks. But believe you me, that pain will go away- nobody knows though when. It’s really up up you. Of course, I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m just trying to make you realize that it’s a phase you have to go through. You’ll be a stronger and better person once you snapped out of you current dilemma. Wait a little bit ’til the storm passes. There is something out there good and nice waiting for you. I have been there a lot! Hey, you’re still young! Good luck kid!

  28. ram said on 01-03-2010

    you have to take risks.

    you will only understand the miracle of life fully when you allow the unexpected to happen. . .

  29. Tony said on 01-03-2010

    He’s 29 your 22, although 7 years doesn’t seem a lot… sometimes it means that you are world’s apart form emotional maturity and that difference can cause you to stumble and be hurt.

    Your young and your emotions are raw. What you may percieve to be NR or dense maybe just means its already a non-issue for him. That your concerns are trivial to him because he has gone through that and passed that and realized its not such a big deal.

    He has issues no doubt, but don’t blame yourself. Love will do what love wills. The best we can hope for is to be confused because of love.

  30. weno said on 01-03-2010

    nice na payo migs galing galing mo talaga =) good luck John makakarecover ka din i’m sure =)

  31. postoffice said on 01-03-2010

    just came out of a 3 year relationship, kaya mo yan, give yourself some time, u will feel better, trust me! before i used to end up killing myself but now i could say i am ok…….

  32. ped said on 01-03-2010

    Same stuation..

  33. Edgar Portalan said on 01-03-2010

    It’s just a whirlwind romance, sooner or later you’ll foget all of this happened. Trust me, Been there , done that!

  34. river said on 28-02-2010

    isang linggong pag ibig!? ur still young.. sobrang dami mo pang pagdadaanan, even more complicated than this. though first heartbreak really hurts, but whats important is u learned from it.. cheer up! just enjoy the roller coaster ride of life.. never lose a grip, always remember to hold on tight.

  35. eric said on 28-02-2010

    Please naman , mga PLU, wake up, please ur brain, though, there is always an exception to the rule, chances are PLU will not fall on this exception

    to john, again pls use ur head

  36. marcuspineda82 said on 28-02-2010

    Time heals everything, thats what i believe in.

    BTW, i am a new blogger, sana maka drop by kayo sa blog ko…

    http://www.sekretonatinto.blogspot.com enjoy!

  37. Joey just joey said on 28-02-2010

    uhmm I just wanna share the quotes that I love from my all time favorite book character Ingrid Magnussen from White Oleander.

    “Loneliness is the human condition.

    Cultivate it.

    The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow.

    Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space.

    An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception.

    If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment.

    The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”
    ———————————————————————

  38. knightgeronimo@yahoo.cm said on 28-02-2010

    …everyone has his own love story… how, where, and when it happens: savor it but let it go…everything comes and goes: it’s a law of nature.

  39. JOHN said on 28-02-2010

    Thank you Migz for publishing my letter and for giving your wonderful advice, as well as the readers. I just want to point out that I have so much love from friends and family. There are good times when I think Im okay, when I dont think of him much, but if remembering him again could peel back so many layers of my heart, it gets hard. Ive never been overly dramatic, ngayon lang. Haha. Thank you!

  40. aaron said on 28-02-2010

    naku don’t worry..ur gna forget him soon…nde nman naging masyadong malalim ang relasyon ninyong dalawa…give it a lil bit of time, all the hurt will soon pass…be cool 🙂

  41. paopaobear said on 28-02-2010

    wow, natauhan din ako ng slight sa kwento na to at sa advice ni migs.

    why slight lang? pinaka-mahirap na siguro ang acceptance stage, na sooner or later it is going to end :S

  42. toto said on 28-02-2010

    Lesson learned: In love (and war), never forget to use your head.

  43. ~Carrie~ said on 28-02-2010

    Migs, that was a really good, sound, and benevolent advice. I would’ve said, if asked for an unsolicited advice, to charge to exprience and move on. But you went to the core of the problem, and resolving the issue down to the root of things. I applaud you for such words of encouragement. To John, all the best in moving on. Here’s your love cure “How Do You Heal A Broken Heart”. Echus lang.

  44. maccallister said on 28-02-2010

    naka relate ako sa story mo….tama si migs minsan kasi sa sobrang lakas ng desire natin na makahanap ng person na makakaintindi or mamahalin natin,masyado tayo nahuhulog sa isang tao agad agad.

    in time makakalimutan mo din yan,its probably for the best na ganun na siya ngayon,maybe he realized mahal pa din niya yun bf niya.

    if you look at the big picture,makikita mo din na he;s actually doing you a favor.

    hayyy im so gullible din,you could see it on my blog.

  45. ming said on 28-02-2010

    Lesson learned. Lahat naman tayo nagkakamali. Sana next time don’t be the rebound guy. You don’t deserve second best. Okay lang madapa. Pero pag ginawa mo ito uli, itutulak na kita.

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