I finally got the guts to write you a letter. It has been almost two years since the first time I read on your blog. Since then, I took inspiration, courage and the will to embrace the life I choose and share my story. Call me Roger, Iâ€™m 23 and already a college professor. I must admit that gay university instructors are not new, except for me. Iâ€™m closeted. I started to teach just last June 2009. Each time, I hold classes I make it a point that I could deliver the subject in the most â€˜straightâ€™ way possible. Every single day is a struggle especially if I get interested and attracted to students. This is my greatest fear what if I get hooked on a student? I canâ€™t risk my job, neither my studentâ€™s future.
Until I met Joshua. Heâ€™s 17 and a freshman.
Heâ€™s short, lean, cute and exceptionally hot for his structure. Basically, teachers will remember only students who either excel in class or those who deliberately skip and make â€˜pasawayâ€™. And Joshua is the second. Given a few number of students in his class, he is very noticeable. I could sense that he can sense that Iâ€™m quite interested in him so during classes, he would sometimes give me some nasty smiles and just stare at me the whole time. I was really distracted because I donâ€™t want to show any signs of motives. As the end of the semester comes near, I developed several diversional tactics just to drive away that â€˜dangerous connectionsâ€™. It was successful.
Second semester. Iâ€™m still their professor on another subject. I took a deep breath before entering the room and vigilantly scanning for Joshua. I checked their attendance and no sign of him. I asked the class, â€œWhere is Mr. Engamin? (not his true surname)â€, â€œSir, he quit.â€, a classmate exclaimed. At that point, I could not explain how I felt. It seems to be a mixture of both relief and regret. One time, I was on my way home, I bumped into Joshua. I was surprised to see him not in uniform. Heâ€™s wearing a semi fit yellow top (his nipples protruding), and skinny jeans with a bulge that is distracting. I asked how he was doing and he said. â€œMasama sir, talagang mahirap ang buhay.â€ At that instance, my lustful mood shifted to empathy. So I invited him to have some coffee and talk things over.
And things went different, he said â€œwala akong matutulugan ngayong gabi sir, pwede bang mag pension na lang tayo at dun na lang tayo mag usap?â€ I donâ€™t know whatâ€™s wrong with me that I just said â€œSige, no probs!â€ immediately. As we checked in, he took off his shirt and gave me that old nasty look. â€œSiguro Josh, sa susunod na lang tayo mag usap, uwi na â€˜ko.â€ I hurriedly grab the knob of the door, but he pulled me back. â€œSamahan mo naman ako dito sir.â€ I could not refuse so I stayed. As we were about to sleep, he told me â€œSir, Php 2,500 lang, all the way na.â€ I was terrified. Iâ€™m not going to fuck a student and pay him Php 2,500. After I told him, that I canâ€™t and I wonâ€™t pay. He made the biggest bargain. â€œSige sir, kahit wala nang bayad. Ok na ko na may matulugan ngayong gabi.â€ And everything was history.
Dear Prof. Roger,
Kainggit naman ng story mo. Char lang. I’m in a playful, fun mood so do take what I will say here with a grain of salt. In short, wag masyadong toxic!
Pakiramdam ko you emailed just to share and chika with the world about your tryst with this ex-student. Wala naman akong naramdaman na remorse or guilt, at tama lang naman yan dahil, ika nga, keribelles lang `teh. Siguro ang fine print lang eh sana hindi na menor de edad si Joshua noong nangyari ang “biggest bargain” at “rest is history” rendezvous ninyo (iwas korte lang, hija). Having said that, I’m sure tataas ang kilay ng ilan nating kapatid, maghe-“hesusmaryosef” habang nagsa-sign of the cross. Nakikinita ko na ang mga hitad, binubulyawan ang blog na ito, “kunsintidora ka Migs!”
Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with what happened. Gusto niya, gusto mo, so be it. May pagka-pokpok siya (as in nagpapabayad, although puwede ring libre), may pagka-horny ka, so be it, o eh ano naman? Go lang. Masyado nang ma-judgment ang mundong ito, huwag na nating dagdagan pa. Hindi ka naman namilit, at di mo naman na rin siya estudyante nang nangyari ang pangyayari, so wag ka na ma-guilty pa. Non-issue yan. Lasapin mo na lang ang sarap nang gabing iyon, at baunin sa iyong baul of good memories.
Siguro mas bigyang pansin mo na lang eh ang pagiging mabuting propesora mo, `teh. Nasabi ko mang walang problema sa nangyari sa inyo ni Joshua, eh wag mo naman sanang karirin ang pakikipag-chorva-han sa mga estudyante mo. Hindi dahil mali ang pumatol sa estudyante. (Kung talagang love-love-love, wala naman talagang issue.) Ang pakiwari ko lang, maraming complications kapag hinabi mo ang mundo ng love/sex/work; may mga sinusuwerte sa ganyan, pero I would say mas complicated kapag magkakahalo ito. Kung ganyan talaga ang gusto mo (I mean, mga complicated situations) aba, sino ba naman ako para pigilan ka? Pero i-consider mo lang siguro na marami ka pang choices. Yun yun. Uulitin ko, marami ka namang choices. Dahil propesora ka (propesora daw o!), mayroon at mayroon talagang lalapit sa iyo, given your position of authority. Pero di ba mas maganda kung ang basis ng iyong kakasintahanin eh dalisay at wagas na pag-ibig, at hindi class card na pinasang-awa?
Naging alagad ka ng pamantasan dahil sa iyong angking talino. Gamitin mo ito. Ngunit sasabihin ko ring alagad ka ng kagandahan ko, ng kagandahan ng mundong ito, dahil may puso kang marunong magmahal. Gamitin mo ito upang magmahal nang tunay at dalisay; maraming isda sa lawa, maraming ibon sa himpapawid, buksan mo ang iyong mga mata, at higit sa lahat, buksan mo ang iyong puso — malay mo, ang iyong kapalaran ay nandiyan lang pagtapak mo sa labas ng iyong eskuwelahan.