Manila Gay Guy
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Greetings, Sir Migs!

My (false) name is Luke, 18 y/o, and currently in college. The main reason why I wrote to you is that I’m given my present situation, I think I need a gay peer (or buddy, or friend, or call it whatever).

One important thing you should know about me is that I’m deep in the closet. All of the people I know see me as someone indifferent to matters of social relationships, and hence the toughened exterior impervious to suspicions of homosexuality. No one thinks (or so it seems) that I’m holding something back. I’m the master of disguise. The sad part is, the show’s wearing me off.

So how’s a gay peer to me like? I guess it has to be someone (or some people) with whom I can be comfortable with, but this time, completely without inhibitions or whatsoever… someone with whom I can be as gay as I like. See, me showing this tough side to people helps to keep my secret.. because once I get too comfortable, I might just wild out, the rumors would spread, info would leak to many people, and eventually to my parents. Yes, I am that paranoid, so I guess this gay peer will be a complete stranger with whom I shall start building friendship from scratch (preferably through online conversations… or if all’s well, can be through actual conversations also). Let me make this clear though, I’m looking for a friend, and not some hookup or anything related… if I’m not just cautious with people, I could have turned to my current friends… but no. Tough times. So I think the ones I’ve mentioned are the core elements of this gay peer… the other specifics: those I think I have to think over when someone already comes by (e.g. age, location).

I just don’t know. I don’t think I have the dire need for one… but that person should be a beacon of enlightenment (but it’s weird that I sound desperate, and I think it does because of the fact that I don’t know how to put all of these into words). Dealing with clashing identities with no one to regularly talk to can be tricky. I’m not yet comfortable with the gay scene at all (or am I just too young), and knowing and talking to someone who can understand with without judging me sounds good. I’ve tried gay dating sites and chatrooms, and as far as I’ve seen (protest if I’m wrong), a huge fraction of the Filipino users seem like they just aren’t in these petty things I’m looking for; it has to be either LTR and/or sex. That’s quite unfortunate for me, really.

So with this problem, I ask: how and where do I find gay peers? Do you really think I need one? Please consider the things I’ve said, for one wrong step and boom goes everything. I sound scared of people finding out, and yes I truly am… and I’m not dropping the word for quite a long time.

Another thing: what does this need tell me? How should I deal with such an issue?

Hoping to be enlightened,
Luke

* * *

Dear Luke,

Being in the closet is tough. And I totally understand why you would want a “gay peer.” Those who are in the closet, I would imagine, need a lot of loving support. I tend to agree with you that the usual venues that we know (the chatrooms, MIRC, gay party scene, etc.) typically are more popularly used for hooking up. This is the reason why I put together the MGGFF (which means “Manila Gay Guy For Friends”). It’s a venue to find kindred souls, those who truly are seeking, above all else, friendly connections with fellow gay guys. I’d love for you to try it out. The site is in transition from its old site to a new one, so feel free to join its all-new home by clicking here.

Having said that, Luke, I still cannot guarantee that you will be able to find your “gay peer.” One thing is to find a venue for meeting people, but another–I think more important–thing is opening yourself up to the gift of true and sincere friendship. In the gay self-help book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, Ph.D., I found a great survival tip, and have continually reminded myself of it. The tip says: “Don’t let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people in your life.” This may sound obvious but notice how embedded in our psyche the value of external attractiveness in selecting people, even for friendship. Be aware that all of us have the tendency to get along with the more physically attractive kind. This is the reason why a great many people miss the delicious opportunity of developing authentic friendships. As you open your heart to new people, potential new friends, beware of this trap, and keep in mind that a lot of wonderful, wonderful people are out there, and they will cross your path for certain. I just wish for you to be really open to them, for they have a gift that may not be as obvious as a beautiful face or a fantastic physique, but may just be much more mutually rewarding for both of you in the long term.

Lastly, let me address your question: “How should I deal with such an issue?” One-word answer: chill. Another one-word answer: relax. The world will not crumble, I so assure you. It will not, even if it may feel like it will. Even if you are found out. Even if everybody gets to know that you are gay. Most probably, they won’t even really care. Our being gay is one fundamental part of us, but it is not a defining core. More than being gay, you are a smart, beautiful, caring, and loving person, a sincere friend, a good son, a great brother, and a relevant, responsible citizen. If anyone refuses to see those other good parts of you, it is their problem, not yours. You may be overwhelmed by all these, that is but natural. Don’t force yourself to understand everything, so again, relax. They will become more clear to you gradually. The more relaxed you are, the faster the natural osmosis of all these good ideas will happen.

And so my dear Luke, I wish for you openness and the power to discern that which is invisible to the eye. May you have authentic, sincere friends who will fill your life with much laughter and meaning. World Peace!

Yours,
Migs
Migs

Comments (26)

  1. danielangelo said on 09-04-2014

    Hi Luke. I would like you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. I’ ve been through the same situation. I can feel every emotion in every statement of your letter because i had the same feelings when i was at the peak of my confusions which had also made me feel alone,isolated in my own fears and all the negative thoughts in my mind. However one day, i felt like i need to really face these fears and the way to do it is to talk to a person that i really trust, someone mature enough to understand, someone who is openminded. So i took every courage remaining of me and tell that person who i really. am. And that decision of mine freed me from my own cage. The courage inside me was restored. From that courage, i was able to gradually accept myself more. Luke, i will pray that you will also get the courage to tell even one person in your life because that is only way to get out. And i would love to hear from you more. I hope i was able to help 😉

  2. metoto said on 13-08-2010

    hay hirap talaga ng nasa closet… tapusin mo muna study’s mo… kaya mo yan. yan muna i-prioritize mo(nose bleed lol)

  3. geek-o said on 06-07-2010

    I am a closet guy too, i can relate with you. i know all your frustartions because nobody knows, and the hell you wanted tot ell everyone but you just can’t because you are afraid that once they knew, they would be hurt and would be judging you because they were expecting somebody else and yet you turned out to be different from their expectations. it sucks really and you can’t really help but feel depressed.

  4. antoine said on 20-05-2010

    hi luke. i can be your buddy. send me a message via my e-mail address. i would love to hear from you soon. be happy (antoine)

  5. jiles said on 17-05-2010

    in my case luke, hinintay ko lang na dumating ang isang taong mapagsabihan ko nang aking mga sekreto, lalo na sa aking tunay na pagkatao. syempre kasama na dun ang prayers. mahal tayo ng Diyos at hindi xa namimili kung anong klaseng tao ka. there will be times talaga (lalo na sa age mo-being that young at atat) na madedepress at mafu-frustrate ka. i tell you its part of the process. and you need to broaden you r patience in waiting. but you just don’t wait luke, you also need to loosen up youself a little more and relax.

    kaya ngayon, may kaibigan na ako na mapagsasabihan ko ng lahat ng aking problema at ganun din sa akin. a kind of friendship where there is mutual trust and respect. lubos talaga ang pasasalamat ko kasi He didn’t just gave me a friend, He gave me a circle of friends.=_

  6. Edgar Portalan said on 17-05-2010

    hey..whaddyaknow…I want to be a friend of Luke too…if you’re reading this, click my name and you can find the details to where I could be find..I want to be your mentor really…just pure friend and adviser..nothing else…

  7. im a kid said on 17-05-2010

    hey. im 19. could relate to luke. how do i contact him? luke if you’re reading this, hit me up at imakid25@gmail.com.

  8. Winterking said on 16-05-2010

    ay mimbir na aku

  9. allen said on 16-05-2010

    Bongga ang title ng post Migs, ha. Aylavet!

  10. allen said on 16-05-2010

    Luke, sumulat ka lang kay Migs. Isang sanaysay kung bakit ka dapat maging bahagi ng MGGFF. Dapat handwritten, sa yellow pad paper. At ihulog sa pinakamalapit na Post Office. Char!

    Iinvite ka lang ni Migs. Or you can leave your email address here so one of us can invite you. Hope to see you in MGGFF activities in the future. 🙂

  11. Luke said on 16-05-2010

    First , I would just like to comment on the title of this post: real witty. Took me quite a while to get it, though.

    Haha!

    Another thing is that while I was reading the different responses and comments, I thought to myself that maybe I was just rushing myself too much; that I should just let things naturally proceed with their intended course .

    I think the people here threw made me see things which I’m experiencing right now in a different light. With that being said: a huge thanks to your words of wisdom, and definitely hoping to hear more from you guys!

    At paano nga pala sumali doon sa MGGFF? Parang via invitation e, pero pa’no?

  12. peter said on 16-05-2010

    hi luke, im 18 too and almost the same situation from yours but in my case i can cope up with it or control it, maybe if you have time we could talk about it, just IM me .. justify_stitch

  13. diosdaddy said on 16-05-2010

    i believe that seeking friends should neither be straight or closet or what have you. To gain friends or deep friendship is our responsibility, it is a two way affair. How can you gain friends if you are reclusive? How can one develop friendship, if one is afraid to share one’s self to others? How one can be a friend, if one refuse to see others? Friendship is like a treasure waiting to be discovered. It is our responsibility to weed out the grass among the flowers.

  14. Doodles said on 16-05-2010

    Luke sounds like a smart person. I believe you can find the people whom you can be as gay as you want your self to be. Regards!

  15. Doodles said on 16-05-2010

    I’ll also sign up on that. Let’s start a community way way way different from those stereotypical network sites – something that is open for authentic friendship.

    Aja!

  16. jake said on 16-05-2010

    I wanted to be a member ever since, but lo and behold, a friend is already a member in addition to being a close friend to migs, kaya saka na lang muna.

  17. zenk said on 16-05-2010

    Opening up is liberating. =)

  18. ewan said on 16-05-2010

    a gay peer is always refreshing.

    i for one, have an eighteen year old gay friend who’s outrageously out while i’m stuck in the closet for 26 years now. call it ironic.

    i hope you get your gay friend here. but never fall prey to those who offer false hands of friendships. you know what i mean… goodluck…

  19. drei said on 16-05-2010

    Hi luke,
    im 18 and im almost EXACTLY in the same situation as yours. I am having a problem too finding peers.

  20. ken said on 15-05-2010

    hi… I want to know you more. Please send me an IM… Tooperfects@yahoo.com

  21. MaXX said on 15-05-2010

    Luke welcome to our so-called gay world! Bear in mind that one’s sexual orientation should not be a hindrance to reach out to others, best of all focus on your talents and strengths. That way people can see the real YOU

  22. micha said on 15-05-2010

    Darling,

    I suggest that you look for a “gay peer” only by the time when you are already decided to come out but unsure yet on how you will do it. It seems that you’re not yet ready. But allow me these words: you don’t owe anything to anyone except to your parents. Acknowledge them and try not do things which they do not approve of. Of course, they cannot stop you from being gay, but try to be decent enough for them especially that you’re still 18. Take pride of your self, but this does not mean that you have to dress like a woman. Be yourself and be the gay that you want you to be. Enjoy diversity and step out of what the society defines “you” to be. Remember, gays come in different shapes and sizes. I’m bi and I’m totally different. Find your niche and be comfortable first before doing your thing. =)

  23. toto said on 15-05-2010

    While it is true that one has to be true to oneself — for, after all, one’s ultimate goal is to be joyful in this life experience, or existence (hayan, MGG, I have imbibed the language of AH) — one cannot readily dissociate oneself from social pressure. Heto tuloy, even if I am already 30 y.o., I am still looking sideways and backwards just to make sure that no one knows about my kabadingan.
    .
    To be young and gay — and confused, with no close friends as support group — ah, pure madness… But, still, life’s beautiful.
    .
    And, so, dear Luke, enjoy life, enjoy your family, your studies, your very existence. In time, you will know yourself more, and you will know how to face life’s challenges. Don’t “force” yourself and the much-awaited “peers” to come to your life. Just relax and enjoy each day. Appreciate what you have. You will find out that the universe has its own way of surprising you.

  24. mingmeows said on 15-05-2010

    makapagmember na rin ng MGGFF

  25. dblake said on 15-05-2010

    we all need “our person” to whom we can open ourselves and be true to who we a really are..

    luke, hope to know you more…

  26. guyrony said on 15-05-2010

    MGGFF is a great networking site if you want to build from scratch.

    And coming to terms with yourself and your identity is a process everyone has to go through.

    Not to worry, an email away from Migs can somehow assist/help/support you in all that.

    Peace out.

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