I’m a 29-year old gay guy working as an editor in a multinational company. Everything in my life is pretty much in place: I have a stable job, started saving up for my future, a good health and well-being, I have passion, interests, hobbies, advocacy, and direction in life. I’m sociable, have a wonderful family and quality friends. I know where to go and is relatively happy and found joy in simple things. All these I learned (and earned) after crawling through broken glass, among other challenges and lessons in life that made me a better person.
But I haven’t dated or been asked out for over a year now. I thought that perhaps I should re-evaluate things that I need to improve about myself. But I’ve always trusted fate. That the universe will give me things that I deserve without asking for it.
A friend told me a few weeks ago that I can’t let fate do everything on its own. That I should take part in it. But I told him that I’m doing my part by engaging in activities and joining gatherings that I enjoy. “I’m always out there,” I told him.
“But it’s really in the demographics,” my friend said. He commented that one of the factors in meeting men has something to do with being at the right place, at the right time.
I’m very particular with the places that I go to because the dynamics of meeting discreet and straight-acting gay men proves to be a challenge. I know that gyms, bars, Malate at night, bath houses, spas, massage parlors, run-down cinemas, and other cruising areas where some gay men hang out are mere hook up places and I’m not up for that.
I wouldn’t deny that I want to be in a loving and healthy relationship grounded on love, trust, and respect. But I don’t want things to be forced. And I don’t want to deliberately look for it. It’s just that sometimes, I’m thinking that since I’m pushing 30 and pretty much stable in all aspects of my life, it will be nice to have someone to share things with.
Should I go on with my life, allow fate to take its course as I enjoy my life the way I want it, not take things too seriously and simply have fun? Or should I frequent more areas as suggested by a friend? Is there a particular hang out place for decent gay guys in Metro Manila? Perhaps other avid followers of your blog can help me out as well.
Thank you and more power to you!
What a wonderful letter, thank you, J**. I particularly liked your letter as it is personally relevant to me. Salamat!
When you said, “I want to be in a loving and healthy relationship grounded on love, trust, and respect,” I thought to myself: “Don’t we all want that?”
I have both bad news and good news for you.
First, the bad news: there is no one answer to your questions. There is no elixir, no formula, no one technique that guarantees anyone of finding that one true love we all wish for ourselves. So, on the one hand, there is an element of mystery, of randomness, of fate if you will, in our quest for finding a life partner. On the other hand though, putting on the pragmatic hat, there is practical truth in your friend’s recommendation. That you increase your chances of finding your love if you put yourself out there. It’s just mathematical probability. The swirling combination of these two, mysterious fate and mathematical probability, make up the amorphous haze in our journey to partnered bliss.
On to the good news, I’d say this quest is exciting! I look at children as role models for this beautiful single life. Kids are open, playful, cheerful. They are enthusiastic to life’s stream of well-being, always expecting good things, never minding risks, sometimes to a fault. But because of these same characteristics–child-like openness and reckless abandon–they have the sweetest smiles, the most authentic laughters. Ika nga, sagad sa butong kaligayahan. They too stumble and fall; they sometimes become so passionate about something that they cannot have and they, heaven may care, shout to the world that they want that toy or else; sometimes, they get bruised, too, and cry as if their lungs would dry out and burst — but do you notice how they are able to so quickly recover? Their eyes still wet with tears, no sooner would you find them again tumbling and playing, cackling, and laughing. Ang galing, di ba? Sana kahit pumapalo na ang mga edad natin palampas ng kalendaryo, nawa’y huwag nating malimutan ang ating kabataan. Kahit ilan taon pa man ang madagdag sa ating pisikal na katawan, walang pumipigil na bigyang buhay pa rin natin ang kasariwaan ng kabataan sa ating puso’t kalooban. May we be children by heart, always.
So, to end, in our search for love, should we leave it all to fate? Allow me to reframe the question. In our search for love, how should we be?
I venture an answer for myself: In my search for love, I will be like a child: open, not closed or calculating; relaxed, not stiff and agonizing; and smiling, because I know this world, while crazy, is amazingly abundant. It surely has enough of what can make me happy in every moment, and in every phase of my life, single, partnered, or whatever.
How about you, J** and dear MGG readers? In your search for love, how would you be?
With all my love,
P.S. J** you might also want to consider joining MGGFF (MGG For Friends). Have fun! Always!