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Hello, Migs

I’m a 29-year old gay guy working as an editor in a multinational company. Everything in my life is pretty much in place: I have a stable job, started saving up for my future, a good health and well-being, I have passion, interests, hobbies, advocacy, and direction in life. I’m sociable, have a wonderful family and quality friends. I know where to go and is relatively happy and found joy in simple things. All these I learned (and earned) after crawling through broken glass, among other challenges and lessons in life that made me a better person.

But I haven’t dated or been asked out for over a year now. I thought that perhaps I should re-evaluate things that I need to improve about myself. But I’ve always trusted fate. That the universe will give me things that I deserve without asking for it.

A friend told me a few weeks ago that I can’t let fate do everything on its own. That I should take part in it. But I told him that I’m doing my part by engaging in activities and joining gatherings that I enjoy. “I’m always out there,” I told him.

“But it’s really in the demographics,” my friend said. He commented that one of the factors in meeting men has something to do with being at the right place, at the right time.

I’m very particular with the places that I go to because the dynamics of meeting discreet and straight-acting gay men proves to be a challenge. I know that gyms, bars, Malate at night, bath houses, spas, massage parlors, run-down cinemas, and other cruising areas where some gay men hang out are mere hook up places and I’m not up for that.

I wouldn’t deny that I want to be in a loving and healthy relationship grounded on love, trust, and respect. But I don’t want things to be forced. And I don’t want to deliberately look for it. It’s just that sometimes, I’m thinking that since I’m pushing 30 and pretty much stable in all aspects of my life, it will be nice to have someone to share things with.

Should I go on with my life, allow fate to take its course as I enjoy my life the way I want it, not take things too seriously and simply have fun? Or should I frequent more areas as suggested by a friend? Is there a particular hang out place for decent gay guys in Metro Manila? Perhaps other avid followers of your blog can help me out as well.

Thank you and more power to you!

Take care!

* * *

Dear J**,

What a wonderful letter, thank you, J**. I particularly liked your letter as it is personally relevant to me. Salamat!

When you said, “I want to be in a loving and healthy relationship grounded on love, trust, and respect,” I thought to myself: “Don’t we all want that?”

I have both bad news and good news for you.

First, the bad news: there is no one answer to your questions. There is no elixir, no formula, no one technique that guarantees anyone of finding that one true love we all wish for ourselves. So, on the one hand, there is an element of mystery, of randomness, of fate if you will, in our quest for finding a life partner. On the other hand though, putting on the pragmatic hat, there is practical truth in your friend’s recommendation. That you increase your chances of finding your love if you put yourself out there. It’s just mathematical probability. The swirling combination of these two, mysterious fate and mathematical probability, make up the amorphous haze in our journey to partnered bliss.

On to the good news, I’d say this quest is exciting! I look at children as role models for this beautiful single life. Kids are open, playful, cheerful. They are enthusiastic to life’s stream of well-being, always expecting good things, never minding risks, sometimes to a fault. But because of these same characteristics–child-like openness and reckless abandon–they have the sweetest smiles, the most authentic laughters. Ika nga, sagad sa butong kaligayahan. They too stumble and fall; they sometimes become so passionate about something that they cannot have and they, heaven may care, shout to the world that they want that toy or else; sometimes, they get bruised, too, and cry as if their lungs would dry out and burst — but do you notice how they are able to so quickly recover? Their eyes still wet with tears, no sooner would you find them again tumbling and playing, cackling, and laughing. Ang galing, di ba? Sana kahit pumapalo na ang mga edad natin palampas ng kalendaryo, nawa’y huwag nating malimutan ang ating kabataan. Kahit ilan taon pa man ang madagdag sa ating pisikal na katawan, walang pumipigil na bigyang buhay pa rin natin ang kasariwaan ng kabataan sa ating puso’t kalooban. May we be children by heart, always.

So, to end, in our search for love, should we leave it all to fate? Allow me to reframe the question. In our search for love, how should we be?

I venture an answer for myself: In my search for love, I will be like a child: open, not closed or calculating; relaxed, not stiff and agonizing; and smiling, because I know this world, while crazy, is amazingly abundant. It surely has enough of what can make me happy in every moment, and in every phase of my life, single, partnered, or whatever.

How about you, J** and dear MGG readers? In your search for love, how would you be?

With all my love,

P.S. J** you might also want to consider joining MGGFF (MGG For Friends). Have fun! Always!

Comments (35)

  1. Justin G said on 09-08-2010

    2 Problems i see with your letter and overall proble,
    1. descrete streight acting gays can NEVER have an uncomlpicated love life filled with prblems (i.e. his relationship with his family cannot really include you, you can never really live under one roof and have children together, etc)
    2. every man I had a relationship with hapend by faith. the one I persued only became a one night stand… so for my money, wait it out. But keep your eyes andmind open.

  2. stranger said on 27-07-2010

    You said you are enjoying your life as a single yet you’re writing these kind of things. You should seek what you really want J**.

  3. K+ said on 30-06-2010

    Hello there J**. A friend also gave me the same advice. I can’t leave it all up to fate, I also have to make a move and do my part. But I think that here in this Pink universe, It’s quite hard to find love. Most of the time it’s just all about fun. You need to learn how to play the game, need to have strategies, able to keep the mystery alive, etc., etc.. And if you happen to be serious, you tend to create the impression of being needy. Hay…

  4. stanley said on 30-06-2010

    Hi – This is my first comment here sa MGG though I visit this site for quite sometime since nakaka-relate ako usually sa mga stories.

    I also have the same dilemma. Like most of people here, I, too am a firm believer of fate…but sometimes nakakapagod din na maghintay. Up to the point that I find myself questioning the fate itself.

    I guess the fear of rejection is a big factor why I opt to rely on fate that somehow I will meet a guy whom I could have a relationship with.

    @ J**, i dont usually do this and super dyahe na to but heres my email

  5. J** said on 30-06-2010

    Wow! Thanks for all your comments! — J**

  6. istian said on 28-06-2010

    super nice!kung magmamadre ka, magpractice kang magkulong sa loob ng bahay. now, if you want to meet people, go out and let them know your presence. di ka makakakilala ng ibang tao sa loob lng ng apat na sulok ng kwarto mo. wow, ang galing ko magpayo, e ako nga hanggang ngayon wala pa din mahanap. haha. at least im doing my part, i know one of theses days, fate’s gonna let me bump into that helping fate find me one. =)

  7. jersey01 said on 24-06-2010

    Can I just love this post? Been a lurker like forever and I just can’t help myself now but to comment. hehe! I somehow been a firm believer of fate and I must say that love isn’t all that. We have to do our part and open our eyes as love sometimes conceals itself. 🙂

  8. lo said on 23-06-2010

    I don’t know you. But I’m hoping for the exact same thing. Maybe you’re the person I’m looking for. Haha well, I hope fate will lead us to whoever we are dreaming of.

  9. Jonvic said on 21-06-2010

    “Nothing is more pathetic than being ordinary”, I heard this somewhere and this has been my belief for a long time. I could not agree with thismore since I do not belong to the select group of gay guys with perfect bodies and faces to die for. Have you been to any of the “in” bars lately? I could hardly see anyone with normal body in a regular get up. It seems that looking great and dressing well is a must for a gay guy to get noticed. This has further strengthened my belief that whether I go to places (where the chances of meeting propective BF is higher compared to just staying at home and sulk) if I’m ordinary looking then my chances are really slim. I get insecure and frustrated by visiting these places. I whine at how easily goodlooking people hook up with one another. That’s not their fault though. Its just that it seem so unfair. Just when I thought that I would forever be single, he came along. He’s not the uber hot guy I can only dream about, but for me he’s the cutest…just think of Marco Sison in his younger years. We’ve been together fo five years now.

    While I still do believe that beauty begets beauty, sometimes fate, coupled with luck and a little faith in yourself are enough elements to bring him to you or you to him.


    But please don’t aspire for the unreachable. Know where you stand and which league you’re in.

  10. mynameischris said on 21-06-2010

    i could’ve written this letter, i swear. there’s truly a shortage of smart, mature and accomplished (and decent-looking) single gay guys in manila.

  11. Vince said on 20-06-2010

    nice one Jason!

  12. Jason said on 19-06-2010

    Pano namang hindi sya magandang magsulat e editor sya kaya no. Haller!

  13. Dan-arf-arf said on 18-06-2010

    I can relate to the feeling that Malate, Bathhouses, and the Gym is simply “not” our place.

    my advice is.. the next time you meet someone who interests you even to the tiniest bit… step forward and make a move. You need to push a little and invest efforts to your getting to know phase for you to get your “loving and healthy relationship grounded on love, trust, and respect”

    It rarely happens that you bump each other on the MRT and Boom! instant happily ever after… even the Cinderella needed to dance for him to met her Prince.

    so teh… just dance in this party called fate… ^___^

  14. helios said on 17-06-2010

    The first two relationships that I had were kind of contrived and they didn’t last that long … nor did they end well. But this one I have now (although it’s getting a bit shaky after four years), gave me the best experiences and made me grow as a better partner and, I should say, as an even better person. It could be that it was fate that sent us bumping into each other, but I have always believed (as I have been telling my friends) that fate does nothing more than merely present us with opportunities with which we could exercise our free will … whatever follows would be no more than rewards (or consequences) of our own choice. 🙂

  15. nathan said on 17-06-2010

    anung site ng MGGFF? love the article – naka relate din ako!

  16. Little Fish said on 17-06-2010

    choosy lang kayo…….

    with all the credentials that you’ve mention…..

    namimili din kayo…….

    alam ko na alam mo…..dumating ang love sa buhay ninyo kaya lang hindi ninyo pinansin……

    In the movie, Forrest Gump…..finding true love is like buying a box of chocolate, you do not know what you get inside…..

  17. kv said on 17-06-2010

    if everything else fails in your quest for love, imho there is nothing wrong in not finding it at all. i have learned that now . if it’s not written in your stars, don’t fight it but embrace it gracefully.
    you may end alone but you dont have to be lonely.
    it’s still better than be in a relationship yet you’re lonely.

  18. allen said on 17-06-2010

    Thank you Migs for this. 🙂

  19. singleindubai said on 17-06-2010

    I pretty much agree with migs. If we can still have that childlike quality within us hindi mahirap makahanap ng taong magmamahal at mamahalin natin. Enjoy living every single second and you might just bump into someone who is meant for you. Sabi ko nga sa sarili ako after my last relationship ended, I should never force myself to look for that person in my life, I just have to make myself be seen and someday soon that someone will find me. Cheezy but true.

  20. tofuboy said on 17-06-2010


    i especially like the analogy on thinking like a child. Pretty enlightening I must say. 🙂

  21. clemence said on 16-06-2010

    well written. same situation am turning 30 next year and haven’t had any relationship. quite stable with my job and other aspects of life.

  22. Winterking said on 16-06-2010

    All I can say is this
    Once, in a middle of an ordinary Life, Love will lead you to a fairy tale.
    J.. Iba pa rin yung bubuo ka ng relasyon na may investment like time and effort. naging question din sa akin yan kung ano ba yung pipiliin o yung FATE ko or yung FAITH ko na mag-ilusyon na makakahanap pa din ako ng taong makakasama. eh sino bang may ayaw di ba?

    however before you start doing yung gusto mong gawin in order to find that special someone para sa iyo.. try to have a checklist kung attainable ba yang mga hinahanap mong quality sa isang tao.

    Minsan we set criteria, we set time frame kung kelan at paano at higit sa lahat saan mo sya makikilala. These elements are essential to satisfy ourselves. Ika nga kani-kaniyang preference lang yan. However, yang preference na yan din ang pwedeng maging wall mo. Kasi hindi mo makikita sa isang tao ang lahat ng nilagy mo sa list. just be sensitive enough to know na he is the one for you.
    Yung pareho kayo ng hobby, intrest pabangong ginagamit, toothpaste, sabon at kulang na lang maghiraman na kayo ng underwear hehe

    But I have to warn you. being the same doesnt mean compatible na kayo. My “sisters” already said most of the things I wanted to say. Just be critical sa places where you will meet your guy. Like the old adage say : you can take the prostitute out from the prostitution den but never prostitution out from him. Feel free to drop by sa MGGFF site. maybe nandun na yung hinahanap mo

    Best of luck

  23. shinzo_kierk said on 16-06-2010

    Just be open to possibilities…keep building relationships…continue to make friends…then before you know it, he’s already there 🙂

  24. Curious said on 16-06-2010

    Good luck looking…:-)…may I suggest bookstores, coffee shops, theater, LRT, simbahan (ngek!), sa sarisari sa kanto, sa basketball court sa inyong barangay, sa gym, atbp…

  25. broke69 said on 16-06-2010

    There’s a child with in us that always long to play and be played….jajajajajlol!!!

  26. Alex said on 16-06-2010

    though not scientifically tested and proven, but i should say that majority naman ng mga PLUs are in that very same situation, very same dilemma. though of course even among heterosexuals, they also undergo the same situations. and i will agree with the advise of migs. ang hirap kasi sa atin, lahat tayo reklamo ng reklamo na we all want to be in a relationship, gusto pa nga natin, yung talagang lasting relationship.

    pero pansinin ninyo, sino dito sa inyo are members of those gay social networking sites like manjam, gayromeo, etc.

    i would say about 90% of the profiles there would say that they are looking for a partner, a boyfriend, a relationship. ang funny di ba? ikaw, kasama ka na dun and the other 90% of the members of that group are all looking for your special someone.

    eh bakit ba di magawang mag hook up ang bawat isa dun and eventually become involved in a relationship? honestly, i don’t have a good answer. all i can think of at this time is kasi meron agad tayong mga pre conceived requirements and standards kaya ayun, we all end up getting frustrated and continually looking na di natin alam pala, andyan lang pala sa tabi natin, as someone above said, may ginto din sa kanal.

    to J**, follow migs advise, be child like, remove whatever prejudices you might have both on yourself and on others and who knows? you just might be able to find that special person you are looking for. malay mo, malay niya, malay natin, malaysia! hehe…

  27. mingmeows said on 16-06-2010

    spread the love….

  28. M said on 16-06-2010

    perhaps this letter can act as an invite?
    your story is very true to many PLUs.
    Like me. Leaving it all to fate. Somehow enjoying the single life and the freedom it brings, wanting yet afraid to venture. Thats why you, we, remain single. We really dont know what we want. We yearn, but not hard enough to take action.

  29. guyrony said on 16-06-2010

    Waiting for the apple to fall will never satisfy your answer.

    Because the ripest fruits usually doesn’t fall to the ground. They stay on the topmost and that’s it.

    @Ruby – Hahahahahaha! Nice suggestion!

    Migs, invite the guy next month! 🙂

  30. Irma Daldal said on 16-06-2010

    Darating ang love sa hindi mo inaasahang oras, panahon at lugar. Ako nga 30s na rin…ngayon lang nagkajowa ng seryosohan. Lahat na yata ng jowa at naka-one night stand nagkaroon ako….of all sizes (macho, lean, chubby, stocky); class (mahirap, middle-class, mayaman); race (Pinoy, Singaporean, Thai, Arab, Black, Caucasian, etc.)Halos sumuko na rin ako that time…kasi hindi naman maiwasan na “magamit” ka, i.e., ang aking alindog at datung/pagkakwartahan, etc. lalo’t isa kang dating beauty queen na trained to do charity work, sa madaling salita: uto-uto. Hanggang sa dumating ang jowa ko na foreigner dahil nagwork nga ako overseas…nagkaroon ng direction ang buhay ko…mega-pa AIDS test din ako at pagkakuha ng results…daig ko pa ang semi-finalist sa Ms. Universe at sinabing: negative. Right now, long distance relationship kami…wala namang nabago….considering he’s coming from the other side of the planet (kung titingnan mo ang mapa at globe…talagang time zone difference agad ay 12 or 13 hours…depende kung day light saving time). Mahirap din naman kasi na magkaroon tayo ng pamantayan….ang importante ay iyung hindi naman kailangang binibigkas pero nararamdaman….aura lang ng aura!

  31. topmodel25 said on 16-06-2010

    i luv, luv this letter!! its vey honest, compassionate & i can relate to his situation very well. for me, i will just rely it to fate..sabi nga nila.. “Bahala na si Batman!” hehehe.. at the same time, i will just enjoy wat life brings me & dont take things too seriously!!

  32. Fritz said on 16-06-2010

    I can relate to J** and I agree to Migs’ advice. Yet, though I’m relatively young (21 y/o), I’m starting to think… lahat ba talaga tayo destined to have a life partner, someday? By fate or by effort, talaga bang meron dyan na destined for me and you and everyone? Or is love just another life’s lesson… na wala talagang definite finality or supreme satisfaction… na we are destined to fall in and out of love like in a vicious cycle that will only end when we are no longer breathing?
    I know… so negative and unromantic but I’m just wondering… (manghihiram na ako ng song title ni Jesse McCartney) why is love so hard to find?

  33. babitter said on 16-06-2010

    hala akala ko ako yung letter sender! haha. grabe. parang pareho lang talaga ng dilemma ko nowadays. buti nga si J, more than a year pa lang eh ako 3 years ng single.

    ang galing ng sagot ni migs. i have to agree on that. ako kase madalas, naiinip at nababagot. siguro i have to think of my childhood – kung paanong tamang saya lang at walang masyadong expectations ganyan.

    and for J naman, hintay lang. naniniwala rin ako na gaya mo, the universe will do something para sumaya tayo. we may not know the exact time, pero i’m sure darating yan. kapit lang kaibigan! 🙂

  34. ruby said on 16-06-2010

    He should attend one of the MGGFF gatherings to meet a lot of people. 🙂

  35. maccalister said on 16-06-2010

    very true ang ganda ng letter niya! sa lahat ng nabasa ko dito un kanya ang magnda ever!LOL

    and tama si migs, take risk minsan, go to those places your friend told you, minsan may ginto kahit sa kanal LOL (kanal daw oh!)

    hindi lahat ng andun e hooks up lang ang hanap may ratio siguro na 1:10 haha at malay mo by fate un one na un e ma-meet mo pa…

    goodluck kay J**!!!

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