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dear migs (aaaargh!),


i am a bit confused right now and thought, well, why not get someone else’s opinion? simply put, i started going to bed (twice now) with a friend and colleague of four years. problem is, we never talk about it afterwards, pretending nothing out of the ordinary happened. and we carry on as usual — good friends enjoying each other’s company. and i hate the uncertainty of it. what are we? friends? fuck buddies (hardly. we’ve done it twice lang)? friends with fringe benefits?


his name is josh and he was my former staff. i was attracted to him the first time we met in 2006 but i kept my feelings in check because my mantra then was ”wag magkalat sa sariling bakuran”. i am in my early 40s; he is 31. we quickly became good friends because we shared a lot of interests (of course it helped that he is goodlooking and funny and smart).


in all the years that we’ve been together, i never made a pass at him even when there were lots of opportunities to do so (we shared the same bed several times). he never hid his ”admiration” of me, telling others i am his ”idol”. when he got married two years ago, i stood as ninong (by the way, i am also married with one child aged ten). shortly after that, i was reassigned to another place and ceased to be his boss. we also saw less of each other.


then last month, he came to manila for a visit. we went to a bar, drank up a storm, and he came home with me. and then IT happened. i guess i initiated the move by putting my arms around him. then i felt his fingers ever so slightly brush my arm. and i thought what the hell… i took the plunge and we made love like crazy.


in the morning, we acted like nothing happened. we did not talk about it. we carried on as usual — like the good friends we have always been.


the other day he was here again in manila for a visit. we did the same to-do: went to a bar, beer, then home. and again we made love like crazy. only this time, we sort of like went at each other hungrily.


in the morning, we acted like nothing happened. we did not talk about it. we are carrying on as usual — like the good friends we have always been.


but now i hate the not knowing part. ano ba kami? i guess i am afraid to confront him about it because i think i am not ready for what his answer might be. i firmly believe he is a straight guy at heart (but since he has slept with me he can’t be totally straight, right?). i hate to think that he slept with me dahil pinagbigyan nya lang ako (perhaps because he has suspected i lust after him?) <– there goes my insecurities!

what do you make of this migs? help!


dale


* * *



Dear Dale,


You had sex with him in the evening, and in the morning, you both acted like it was nothing. I don’t see anything wrong with that, unless di kayo nag-enjoy. The fact that twice na nangyari somehow shows you two kind of liked it. Hihihi! Biro mo, two married men, going hungrily at each other! Hahaha-hooot! Ansaya. (Shet, ang imoral ko na! Hahaha!)


But I digress from your query. I find it interesting that you say, “I hate the not knowing part.” Aba teh, yan nga ang nakaka-excite di ba? Huwag magmadali, namnamin ang tamis ng unang halik! (Echos.) Hahaha! See, I’m playing with you. I’m really just saying, man, chillax. Cool. Let things flow, and enjoy the ride. There is bliss in not knowing. Eventually, you will know! (For sure you will, you… you… you… philandering married men! Hahaha!) And when that time comes, who knows what other emotions are in store for you!


But before that happens, milk this amorphous phase of all its excitement and kilig. Appreciate the rollercoaster of emotions, and be thankful for such adventure. Masaya ang buhay, hindi ba, huwag mong basagin ang sarili mong trip.


Paminsan-minsan kasi, huwag masyadong nag-iisip. Stability is an illusion; everything is fleeting, there is no sense in grasping, and no time for labeling! So therefore, don’t just live the present, savor it! Mamaya mo nagdedeliryo ka na pala sa saya, di mo pa rin napapansin, ang sad naman nun.


Pumaimbulog ka sa sarili mong raketa,

Comments (43)

  1. romflo said on 05-01-2011

    dale, any update re the issue here? still friends with him or you realized it was best to sever whatever tie there was between you two? am asking because am kinda “almost” in that situation. to learn from you, hopefully. thanks

  2. metoto said on 13-08-2010

    enjoy the ride… wag ka lang magpakalonud…

  3. romflo said on 28-06-2010

    i am new here. can i weigh in? i believe you two should thresh out what’s happening between you two. you’ve gone beyond friendship so you need to define your relationship. accept that you engaged in coitus and thus you are not anymore just friends. if you want to remain friends in the truest sense of the word, stop what you’re doing. if you can’t, you can’t be friends. you’re lovers. call a spade a spade.

  4. jake said on 28-06-2010

    Tumigil nga kayo dian sa mga pinagsasabi nyo. Ang importante Happy ka! wag ng magtanong tanong pa Dale. In the end you will see Dale, you and your friend na inaanak mo, magiging masaya at maganda ang friendship nyo. We are on the same situation before, but we are both happy now, even malayo na kme sa isat isa, buti nalang may internet na. We are very good friends until now. And he always advice me not to do it again sa iba. Family is our priority para walang problema. World peace!

  5. Alex said on 24-06-2010

    Thanks Fritz…but as I have said, end of my story. I said already that I understood and accepted your arguments. If you could not understand my point, that’s ok, I am not naman the kind of person who goes ballistic na dapat ako yung may last say on the word. Really, thank you. It was really just a very simple question borne out of a confusion bakit agad ako sasabihan na ipokrito ako kung nasabi ko na mali ang nagawa niya just because bading ako at generalized na ang understanding natin na ang bading ay “by nature” promiscuous? in that case, the rest of the guys up there who also thought that what the letter sender did was wrong, you have judged us all as hypocrites? and by the way, i actually never went to as far as judging him by what he did. all i ever wanted to tell in my posted comment was that the action done was wrong. kung baga, ika nga, love the sinner, hate the sin. anyway, sana, tapos na to. sorry guys. super out of topic na talaga to.

  6. Fritz said on 23-06-2010

    @Alex: I understand but I think you are not seeing my point… I’m not saying that what Dale did was right… cheating is never right. But I’m sure alam rin yun ni Dale… it’s just not our place to judge him why he did it because most of us do it as well, for so many simple or complex reasons. If you or some other people here hasn’t ever cheated in their lives, then good for you but please don’t assume the worst in other people kasi tao lang tayo. Don’t judge, as you don’t have moral authority over others because you commit mistakes too (thus, you get labeled a hypocrite).
    With regards to the crime of corruption, magiging morally acceptable lang ang pagnanakaw kung nagiging Robin Hood ang mga criminal at hindi base sa amount ng ninakaw. Corruption is selfish so it can’t be argued to be morally acceptable kahit 20 pesos na suhol lang yan sa mga traffic enforcers. And I don’t agree that Filipinos see corruption as morally acceptable… kasi bomoboto pa rin tayo, nakikialam pa rin tayo sa takbo ng pamahalaan, nagwewelga pa rin tayo kapag may mga anumalya.

  7. Alex said on 23-06-2010

    Thanks Fritz. Di ba sabi ko nga, I understood and accepted your explanation as valid. So to be honest, wala ako intention to be nagmamaganda. I just find it so intriguing why others would be quick to quip na hypocrite na ang isang bading kapag nagsabi siya na yung nagawa ng kapwa bading niya ay mali. Ewan ko kung tama o mali ako pero sa libro ko kasi, pagbalibaligtarin man natin ang mga salita, ang isang lalaki na nag asawa at may mga anak na at nakikipag sex sa isang lalaki na may asawa at anak din ay isang maling gawa. Kapag sinabi mo na hindi, kasi subjective naman ang pananaw natin sa morality, para mo na rin sinabi na hindi kasalanan ang magnakaw dito sa Pilipinas depende na lang sa laki ng ninakaw mo kasi accepted na natin dito ang culture of corruption. Ay ewan. HIndi ako nakikipag away. End of my story.

  8. Fritz said on 23-06-2010

    @Alex: Morality is an issue that is too complex… to fully understand it, one would have to study psychology, sociology, anthropology at iba-iba pang ology. Morality is subjective, meaning in every culture and sub-culture, there are different views of what are morally right. Sa tingin ko sinasabihan ng hypocrite ang mga gays na nagsasabi na immoral ang ibang gays na nagchecheat kasi there is a stereotypical mindset that gays naturally cheat to their partners. Nasa sub-culture kasi natin yun.
    That is why in my first comment, I put aside the moral issues and focused on the emotional aspect of Dale’s dilemma… kapag kasi isinama na ang morality sa usapan, malaking gulo na yan 🙂 Hope nakatulong. Peace!

  9. Ewan said on 22-06-2010

    wag na po magaway…

    lahat po tau e nagsasabi lang ng kanya kanyang opinyon…

    so let us respect na lang yung sinasabi ng ibang tao kahit against pa ito sa paniniwala natn

  10. Edgar Portalan said on 22-06-2010

    Oo nga. Kung magsalita naman yung iba dito eh akala mo holier than thou sila huh!….eh yung kabaklaan na nga natin is morally wrong and religiously unright debah? …so anong pinagsasabi ninyo mga bakla?….the truth is, no one can accuse someone is immoral without ever looking into themselves…..correct? ha ha ha…..

  11. Alex said on 22-06-2010

    Can someone please enlighten me on this matter? Why is it that every time a gay guy would say that he feels or thinks that an action done by a fellow gay guy is morally not right, he is instantly labeled as a hypocrite? Honestly, di po ito isang pagmamaganda kundi talagang nagtataka ako dahil di lang dito ko yan nakikita kundi sa ibang blogs like kay rddantes.com. kapag ang isang bading nakapag comment na he finds an action done by a gay guy as morally not right such as the case mentioned dito, where a married guy with kids is having sex with another married guy – automatic, someone comes up with a rebuttal na ipokrito na siya? kelan ba naging pagiging ipokrito ang magsabi ng totoo? kahit kailan, sa aking pananaw, ang mali ay di maitatama sa pamamagitan ng pag gawa ng isa pang mali. as to Fritz’s explanation, I see validity in his argument, I see no problem with that. What I find really intriguing here is why the immediate reaction to say one is a hypocrite? Peace to all please.

  12. Fritz said on 22-06-2010

    Yes, cheating is not morally right but is it wrong to acknowledge one’s real self to be able to do the right thing? Sa tingin ko and I base this solely by deduction, nagtanong si Dale kung ano ba sila ni Josh not just because he wants to know where their relationship stands but also, because he wants to know if he is indeed falling in love with another guy. Josh was the spark that made him realize that he has homosexual tendencies. By figuring all that out, he would be able to acknowledge who he really is.
    If Dale finally acknowledges his homosexuality, he will be able to do what is right… and that is to free his family from the lies. If Dale chooses to annul his marriage because he falls for another guy, he will be freeing his wife from a relationship that is built from lies. He will give his wife a chance to find a better guy for her and be truly happy and he is giving his child the opportunity to know who his/her father really is while he will be free from ever committing an indiscretion. But if Dale chooses not to acknowledge his feelings and choose to continue on with his marriage, can we honestly say na tamang lokohin niya ang pamilya niya and most of all, lokohin niya ang sarili niya by denying the truth about his self?

  13. Fritz said on 22-06-2010

    Andami namang insensitive, self-righteous at hypocrites dito… dun sa mga taong gusto magpakamoral, let me remind you that being a homosexual, the very definition of our existence, is considered immoral. Morality is what the majority dictates… hindi ito exact science. There are things that are morally correct but isn’t always right. Hindi ko sinasabi na dahil bakla tayo e pwede na nating gawin ang kahit anong gusto nating gawin… I just want people to understand that there are things that are beyond our control… more so if emotions are involved. Marami sa mga bakla ang late bloomers dahil ngayon palang nagsisimulang maging tolerant ang society… give margin for other variables before judging a person.

  14. RonTab said on 21-06-2010

    Kibit balikat. Ang hirap i-define ng ganun-ganun lang. Nangyari na ang nangyari. Baka mangyari ulit. It really is eating you inside…hmm…si Migs parang si Dr. Margarita Holmes mag advise. Hahaha. Agree ako.

  15. deric said on 21-06-2010

    kawawa nman mga anak at pamilya nyo:(

  16. Fran said on 21-06-2010

    may mga anak ka na at pinili mong magpakasal, kung di ka man naniniwala sa doktrinang kristiyano na sagrado ang kasal, matakot ka man lang sa laws of motion ni Newton?! maawa ka sa mga anak mo, pwedeng sila ang magbayad ng mga kalandian mo teh!

  17. Blue said on 21-06-2010

    Isa kang Jovit Moya! Or kung ayaw mo kay Jovit, Donita Rose na lang.

    Day, huwag ka masyado pa-girl, write write ka pa kuning at ask ng advice eh nang-iinggit ka lang! Oo day inggit ako sayo!

    Tanungin mo nang derecho bago kayo magsabong ulit, potah ka, nagagawa mong lafangin ang hombre pero di mo matanong? Hello? Ano ka 15 years old na gelay, mother onda ka na, wa ka na pa-confuse girlalu!

  18. Edgar Portalan said on 21-06-2010

    hindi kaya epekto lang ng alak yan because like what you’ve said ” you drank up a storm”?…may kasabihan nga ” when the wine is in, the wit is out ” he he he he….

    anyway, it is because you’re expecting for something kaya nagtatanong ka na….c’mon, if fucking buddies lang kayo, never ka magtatanong , pramis! ……the truth is you want some deeper explanation tungkol sa ginagawa ninyo….sa madaling salita teh….you’re falling for him he he he he..ganun lang kasimple yun!!!!

  19. tyrone_binan said on 20-06-2010

    Isa kang Hopia teh… (Hoping)
    May feelings ka sa kanya at kaya ka ayaw mo na hindi nalalaman ang status nyo is because you want him to feel the same way for you…

  20. joe said on 20-06-2010

    dale, wag ka maginarte. di naman pdeng maging kayo dahil pareho na kayong may asawa kaya wag ka nang magtanong pa. jus ko, aapila ka pa. umayos ka nga teh.

  21. joe said on 20-06-2010

    kaloka ka migs! world peace ka ng world peace. dada ka ng dada tungkol sa love. tapos eto isinusulong mo ang pagtataksil. kaloka! magulo ka talaga teh!

  22. sirhc said on 20-06-2010

    ambot jud nimo kuya dale..hehehe..kaila na ka kung kinsa ko..LOL

  23. v said on 20-06-2010

    aaaaayyy!! parang gusto ko ding i-try. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  24. Alex said on 20-06-2010

    wag sana tayo umalis sa isyu…hindi yung komento ng iba ang inaatupag natin ang pinagdidiskitahan. if you have something to comment with regard to the question of the letter sender, go ahead. we will all respect what you have to say.

  25. miko19_blue said on 20-06-2010

    parang nag eexpect ka nadin s kanya…. medyo kontrolin mo feelings mo lalot di ka cgurado sa sagot nya kung sakaling itatanong mo real score between the two of you… masakit ang masaktan… yan ang situation ko ngaun….

  26. mike vera said on 20-06-2010

    kung makapagsalita naman tung mga morally-upright, bakit, di ba kayo nagchi-cheat sa mga partner ninyo kahit minsan? kung hindi eh, endangered specie kayo. dapat kayo patayuan ng rebulto! kung binoto ninyo ang ladlad, dun bibilib ako senyo at hindi dyan sa kunyari eh di nagchi-cheat.

  27. Alex said on 19-06-2010

    it was wrong to begin with and you know it yet you can’t accept it. it’s really as simple as that. and to the one who said about putting moral issue aside, sorry dude, no matter how much you try to convince yourself and the letter sender too, you cannot set aside the moral issue here. you are both married. to hell if you label yourselves as bisexuals. you are still married and i would supposed that your wives do not an iota of an idea that you go to bed with another man, do they?

    you cannot right a wrong by doing another wrong. hope i was able to make some sense.

  28. pen_kyut said on 19-06-2010

    hmmm….ma-physics si migs…i guess migs is ryt…when u r overwhelmed with such emotion u try to overanalyze it..but more than overanalyzing the situation..what i see is that u want a security of emotion..wanting that it would be repeated or securely enough be repeated…i dont know, but i guess it comes with age din..as i see it gaymen at their 30’s are a bit experimental and in the 40’s the opposite…i dont know but this is what is can see…

  29. creexs said on 19-06-2010

    Good advise mig pero I think, the reason kung bakit nagtatanong na siya (at kung bakit gusto na niya ng kasiguraduhan) is beacause he fell in love na sa guy. That’s what happened to me before and it’s so sad na i haven’t told any of my feelings to him before pa siya umalis. Pero yun nga, it’s better na rin na hindi ko sinabi, at least, we’re friends pa rin now.

  30. Winterking said on 19-06-2010

    Learn the etiquette of being a “mistress”

    Because that is what you are now.. kahit ikaw pa yung nauna. you reminded me of the movie in Meryl streep and Alec Baldwin.

    When you said he is married, however you did not state in your letter what have you been in the years of being together. Its hard to assume unless its stated kung ano ba kayo. Did you bother to ask ano ba kayo?

  31. paul said on 19-06-2010

    galing ni migs mag advise!

  32. medy said on 19-06-2010

    “Stability is an illusion; everything is fleeting, there is no sense in grasping, and no time for labeling! So therefore, don’t just live the present, savor it! Mamaya mo nagdedeliryo ka na pala sa saya, di mo pa rin napapansin, ang sad naman nun.”

    I SO HEART THIS. thanks Migs.

  33. mingmeows said on 19-06-2010

    if you’re ready to ask the QUESTION be prepared to take the ANSWER.

  34. sieg8hart said on 19-06-2010

    nag asawa pa kac alam naman sa kaibutoran ng puso na lalaki ang gusto. but anyway namnamin nyo ang pagkakataon nyo bsta hwg pababayaan ang responsibilidad sa pamilya. higit sa lahat hwg kalimutan ang anak.

  35. guyrony said on 19-06-2010

    Culture shock. That’s all. You’ll get over it.

  36. RM said on 19-06-2010

    OMG!!! sobrang nakakarelate ako.. tama cla dale just enjoy the moment.. dumating din ako sa point na tinatanong ko sarili ko kung ano ung nangyayari pro i just carry on with it.. dont be to negative dale..

  37. 10001 said on 19-06-2010

    What are you? You’re both closet homosexuals cheating on your spouses. Maybe bisexual? But water under the bridge na ‘yan. The story is hot but it doesn’t make it any less about cheating.

  38. Fritz said on 19-06-2010

    Ang gaganda naman ng mga advice dito… especially Jedd’s.
    For me, Dale’s situation has DISASTER clearly written over it. Ang daming issues dito, as in… Grabe! Infidelity, sexual uncertainty, unknown feelings… rollercoaster talaga.
    All I can say is that, Dale, you have a lot of decisions to make. Knowing where you and Josh stand can produce a whole new set of problems. Is it really that important to know what you two have?
    Moral issues aside, I think the important thing here is that you two share something special even if it has no labels attached to it. Kahit hindi ninyo pag-usapan sa umaga, you two are already connected.

  39. Jedd said on 19-06-2010

    Just want to add in there that I hate it how gay men go on to marry women, only to fool around with men after. It’s the ultimate chicken act. Marriage is the fucking ultimate closet. I hope you guys are real bisexuals.

  40. Jedd said on 19-06-2010

    The question you should be asking first is not ‘ano ba kami’. Instead, ‘ano ba siya sa akin?’ It’s easier. And it doesn’t make assumptions. What is he to you? What do you want from him? Friendship? Benefits? Sex? What do you want to happen on those silent mornings?

    Then, after figuring that piece out you can either forget it and go on with your straight, married life, or you can ask Josh, ‘ano ba ako sa ‘yo?’ But only after telling him what he is to you.

    After he’s told you what you are to him THEN you can finally find the answer to ‘ano ba kami’. Best of luck.

  41. rOckY said on 19-06-2010

    This sounds like really bad news and there are some serious questions at play here. I mean Dale can go on and ignoring the larger issues and enjoy these occasional trysts, sure, but that doesn’t resolve the fact that (1) they’re both married and (2) there are serious gender identity issues that eventually need to be addressed.

    Sure, they can enjoy now but they can’t hide from the real issues that remain constant. Plus the fact that there are two families at stake here and it would be irresponsible to them for this to continue as if it was perfectly okay.

  42. shinzo_kierk said on 19-06-2010

    i agree…don’t over analyze things but on the other hand, remember that you’re both married…the stakes are different…enjoy the moment but remain grounded 🙂

  43. soltero said on 19-06-2010

    tama si Migs! do not over analyze things, just enjoy it! once nagtanong tanong ka na, baka ma turn off na yan. tsaka yang puso mo, pagsabihan mo, baka na iinlove ka na, masaktan ka nyan!

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