dear migs (aaaargh!),
i am a bit confused right now and thought, well, why not get someone elseâ€™s opinion? simply put, i started going to bed (twice now) with a friend and colleague of four years. problem is, we never talk about it afterwards, pretending nothing out of the ordinary happened. and we carry on as usual â€” good friends enjoying each otherâ€™s company. and i hate the uncertainty of it. what are we? friends? fuck buddies (hardly. weâ€™ve done it twice lang)? friends with fringe benefits?
his name is josh and he was my former staff. i was attracted to him the first time we met in 2006 but i kept my feelings in check because my mantra then was â€wag magkalat sa sariling bakuranâ€. i am in my early 40s; he is 31. we quickly became good friends because we shared a lot of interests (of course it helped that he is goodlooking and funny and smart).
in all the years that weâ€™ve been together, i never made a pass at him even when there were lots of opportunities to do so (we shared the same bed several times). he never hid his â€admirationâ€ of me, telling others i am his â€idolâ€. when he got married two years ago, i stood as ninong (by the way, i am also married with one child aged ten). shortly after that, i was reassigned to another place and ceased to be his boss. we also saw less of each other.
then last month, he came to manila for a visit. we went to a bar, drank up a storm, and he came home with me. and then IT happened. i guess i initiated the move by putting my arms around him. then i felt his fingers ever so slightly brush my arm. and i thought what the hellâ€¦ i took the plunge and we made love like crazy.
in the morning, we acted like nothing happened. we did not talk about it. we carried on as usual â€” like the good friends we have always been.
the other day he was here again in manila for a visit. we did the same to-do: went to a bar, beer, then home. and again we made love like crazy. only this time, we sort of like went at each other hungrily.
in the morning, we acted like nothing happened. we did not talk about it. we are carrying on as usual â€” like the good friends we have always been.
but now i hate the not knowing part. ano ba kami? i guess i am afraid to confront him about it because i think i am not ready for what his answer might be. i firmly believe he is a straight guy at heart (but since he has slept with me he canâ€™t be totally straight, right?). i hate to think that he slept with me dahil pinagbigyan nya lang ako (perhaps because he has suspected i lust after him?) <â€“ there goes my insecurities!
what do you make of this migs? help!
You had sex with him in the evening, and in the morning, you both acted like it was nothing. I don’t see anything wrong with that, unless di kayo nag-enjoy. The fact that twice na nangyari somehow shows you two kind of liked it. Hihihi! Biro mo, two married men, going hungrily at each other! Hahaha-hooot! Ansaya. (Shet, ang imoral ko na! Hahaha!)
But I digress from your query. I find it interesting that you say, “I hate the not knowing part.” Aba teh, yan nga ang nakaka-excite di ba? Huwag magmadali, namnamin ang tamis ng unang halik! (Echos.) Hahaha! See, I’m playing with you. I’m really just saying, man, chillax. Cool. Let things flow, and enjoy the ride. There is bliss in not knowing. Eventually, you will know! (For sure you will, you… you… you… philandering married men! Hahaha!) And when that time comes, who knows what other emotions are in store for you!
But before that happens, milk this amorphous phase of all its excitement and kilig. Appreciate the rollercoaster of emotions, and be thankful for such adventure. Masaya ang buhay, hindi ba, huwag mong basagin ang sarili mong trip.
Paminsan-minsan kasi, huwag masyadong nag-iisip. Stability is an illusion; everything is fleeting, there is no sense in grasping, and no time for labeling! So therefore, don’t just live the present, savor it! Mamaya mo nagdedeliryo ka na pala sa saya, di mo pa rin napapansin, ang sad naman nun.
Pumaimbulog ka sa sarili mong raketa,