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On this question — I am aware I’m very biased. I’m good friends with all my ex’s. From what I hear among my friends, this is not the case for many. This is, in summary, what our model-reader friend here is asking in his letter. Read on and share your thoughts. (I’ll keep quiet this time, as my answer’s quite obvious.)

* * *

Dear Migs,

Im 23, around 5’7. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months.
the thing is, I have been single for 4 years before I met him.
yep, 4 years. yes, I would go on dates, i have M.U’s.
suffice to say, in that 4 years, there were a lot of people I dated and there were a couple who almost made me commit. but i never did. because i never commit half baked.


I’m a part time model, during one taping for a tv series, I met this other model, relatively younger than me. I’m 23, he was 20.


I thought we were just going to be friends, he will be handled by star magic soon (at that time he was with viva) so i never thought that he would be into guys.


then we started texting until we became a couple.
it was his first time with me. I would like to believe that he’s bisexual but he keeps telling me —


“ryan, kasalanan tong ginagawa naten, pero mahal kita. mahal na mahal kita”. to the point that he cries when he says that he loves me.


yes, we do it. we have sex. but we take it one step at a time. but he enjoys being the receiver which caught me by surprise.


he was very sweet, and everything that was lacking with my previous dates, my previous relationships with men, he was able to fulfill.


i was very happy. but as with this industry,
we cant be an item publicly.


so i think that’s the main problem, when the agency and his classmates started speculating he got scared.


he really has big dreams of becoming an actor. so big are his dreams that he chose to do a fashion shoot for a women’s magazine instead of celebrating our monthsary.


as a model, i understand that work is work. when you get a big break, you take it.


but i started feeling something different. i dont know how to put this, but he became cold.
im not stupid, i kinda knew he was having a hard time hiding our relationships from everyone else.


and just like that, after his class, while i was in the gym, he texted me “it’s over, this is what’s best for us, you’ll understand me in time”.


i did not cry. because boys dont cry! haha
but i was sad, but not devastated. i kind of saw it coming.


it’s just painful for me. i took a chance with him. i was so guarded for 4 years and i thought we would last. i was willing to hide our relationship forever.


if other models can do it, i’m sure we can.
but he gave up so easily. i guess he was also pressured with school plus his modelling career.


it just feels so unfair. i’m also busy as hell but i always have time for him. i never denied him my time.
if i have a go-see, a meeting with a manager, i would tell them i’m not available just to see him.


but i guess i have to be strong.
i still have a shoot to do which i consider my biggest break.
i still have my friends with me.
my family.


but i will not deny that i miss him.
it’s crazy, i can’t believe we even made out so many times in a tv network’s restroom during taping breaks!


i tried to fix things with him, but we just ended up fighting.
i asked him one last time, do you want me back?
he said no. i said, that’s your decision.


now here’s my real problem:


he broke up with me right?
but he wants to remain friends?


i mean, fuck off man! that’s just really unfair right?
i mean, he doesn’t want the commitment with me, but he wants the convenience of having me around without the commitment.


i said, “i will not let you use me”
“i’d rather be out of your life than be used by you”.


so that’s what i did.


DO YOU THINK I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION?
Rye S.

Comments (45)

  1. Lola said on 13-12-2012

    Im not sure but i think it will work with me…we can just use each other for pleasure and no commitment…i dont think he’s gonna end up happy with someone else anyway because he chose to live in the closet…at least you will always have him around for we know that he can truly be himself with only you around 😉

  2. tubero said on 26-02-2011

    @Bryan sapul ako tol. lol. bitterness nga. iba kasi pag nagmahal ka ng ‘tunay’ at nasaktan. tapos magiging friends kayo agad. marami na akong friends.

  3. Ivan said on 21-01-2011

    how i wish, i’m your “ex”. sarap u magmahal cguro. hope i meet someone like u. . . soon. 🙄

  4. Bryan said on 21-01-2011

    Stop listening to these bitter people.

    If you really love him…friendship is the greatest step after break up..Mature ka na..You can easily forgive the past and start as friends..Huwag kang madrama at maarte..Friendship forever is better than losing him Go on! Ejoy your new arrangements..bestfriends.

  5. Tubero said on 21-01-2011

    Man, for me its a good decision. It is hard to be friends with him while you are in the process of moving on. As much as possible, cut the ties so the recovery will be much faster. Maawa ka sa sarili mo kung tatanggapin mo yun. Will you be happy? For a moment yes kasi makakasama mo sya e yun ang magpapasaya sayo but for a long run, this will kill you slowly. Believe me, I’ve been there and tried both ways.

    *Cutting the ties experience
    Ako, I even deleted him on my friendster, blocked him in my ym, changed numbers and cut any communication with him para mapigilan ko ang sarili ko. I even killed myself with work para lang maiba ang laman ng utak ko. Recovery is faster.

    *Being friends
    Magiging masaya ka for a moment kasi makakasama mo sya. On the long run you’ll realize di ka makamove on. As a friend I tried everything to bring him back kaya lang wala na talaga. I did every single way, cook for him, share him my shoulders, massage him when his tired pero hanggang dun nalang. Yes we had sex pero after wala pa rin. Later on, I have to leave for myself. Respeto ko nalang sa sarili ko.

    You might consider being his friend kung naka move on ka na. TOTALLY. If ever nakamove on ka na at may bago ka ng love life, will you still be friends with him even if it affects your current relationship? Sa akin, civil nalang. simple hi and hello if ever we across each others path.

  6. I relate to ur story,,, i have x bf,,,, our relation was 5 yrs,,, pro kailangn nming maghiwalay for the sike na nabuntis niya girl niya,,,
    As of now BESTFREN turing nmin sa isat isa,,,
    ok lang sakin at ganun din sa kanya,,, no sex, no relation… frns… as in frens,,, no feeling anymore…
    just put in your self tama lng na naging decition niya iyon…
    Kaysa paasahin ka niya,,,
    Ok na na maging frens kau,,, basta in relation in frens talaga…

  7. metoto said on 13-08-2010

    Ganun isang araw lang ata kau, kabebereak lang… frieds na agad… lol akala nya ata naglalaro lang kau… i-friend mo na lang kesa bf… patangal ka muna sakit… lumayo ka muna sa kanya…

  8. Justin G said on 09-08-2010

    Drick and Ward
    an older gay man told me this when he was confiding in me one time. “When you enter into a relationship with a man, be ready for the break up”
    Not only are our relationships not accepted by our culture, having a relationship where you have to stay apart and working at something with no future, almost imposible to do.
    I do am in the closet and function as a real man. I’ve been hurt by Celebrities, Models, Ateneo Chinitos, and La Sallites all the same… Its hard when youi guyus have to hide behind bedrrom walls to express your selves… Heck, even in love making I perform like a man.
    When you choose this life, or should i say when this life chooses you. be ready to be alone in the end. In the end, it will be you and your best friend/s, and close relatives…. Even your gay lover will eventually just be your best friend I think.

  9. ward said on 18-07-2010

    Ako I’ve guarded myself for almost 20 years! hanggang dumating tong isang guy na nag break ng heart ko. masakit kasi alam mo na kung ibang tao yun hinde nila un gagawin sau, pero ginawa niya. and tama ang desisyon mong wag maging makipag friends sa kanya. tao ka at hinde laruin fuck practicality hinde ka walking sex toy. 100% or 0 lang yan. merun o wala PERIOD.

  10. Bellie said on 11-07-2010

    Don’t let him make you as one of the Options..

  11. drich said on 10-07-2010

    hi. i am currently in the same situation. my partner for 3y and 8m just broke up with me last april 7 days after our monthsary. This is because he wants to move on, he wants to live a normal life.. i dont know what to say the minute he wants to let go. he is in abroad now and the only communication we had is thru ym sometimes i call him, he is my first boyfriend. so i really dont know what to expect, until now i still miss the way he is. the places weve been to etc. he still leaves msgs for me in ym such as take care.. if u have problems im always here for you etc. i just hope that someday there will be a person who is willing to love me forever.

  12. geek-o said on 08-07-2010

    i dunno, but it would be tray awkward… my ex gf still texts me stuff and it just bugs me, so i guess it is really a bad idea.

  13. will said on 07-07-2010

    Frankly, I think you’re being melodramatic. But it’s probably because of your youth and our Filipino madrama nature. Look, people come and go in our lives. Some stay for a while, some longer. If you are not comfortable being friends with him right now, don’t force yourself. You don’t want his friendship, you want a romantic relationship that he won’t give you. You’ll just drain yourself emotionally. Move on. Date other people. Dwelling on him would deprive you of the opportunity to have a better, healthier relationship.

  14. kape said on 29-06-2010

    sa palagay ko 90% ng mga taong sumusulat dito, hindi naman nanghihingi ng advice. They just wanted to tell the world about their stories. They ask people what to do, but usually already have something on their heads, just waiting for an affirmation so as to do it. In the end, sila pa rin naman ang masusunod.

    haha! Anyway, i admire your courage to write this post. however sana di mo ‘to isinulat just so he’ll be able to read it.

    i wish you luck. and, wag mo pilitin gawin ang isang bagay na di mo trip. yun lang. if you don’t wanna be friends, then don’t.

    btw, i like your take on “being used”. yun lang. sori haba ng comment. 🙂

  15. helios said on 28-06-2010

    I just broke up with my partner of 4 years and I see us being friends, but it’s only because we had been able to talk about our break-up as sensible adults. In cases of really bad break-ups, such as yours, you could only become true friends with your ex once you’ve both been able to deal with your bitterness and resentment. Do I think you made the right decision? Yes, because in your current emotional state, it’s the best thing to do … to detach yourself from him completely until you have fully forgiven and forgotten. After the healing happens, you might find the question of whether or not it would be possible to be friends with him to be already rather inconsequential. If it happens, it happens.

  16. aeriol said on 28-06-2010

    🙁 …….. well i guess masakit talaga,, peo pwede pa naman kayo maging ffriends eh, and im sure hindi ka naman nya gagamitin.. mahal ka din naman nun eh … 🙁

  17. n said on 27-06-2010

    I have been in that same situation, except both of us are girls.

    It’s sad, but I don’t think you can be friends if you still have feelings for each other. Me and my ex have tried to be “just friends” for so many times, we always end up getting back together, then breaking up again kasi hindi nga talaga pwede.

    We still see each other almost everyday at work, but we don’t talk to each other. Mas mabuti nang ganun, at least wala nang gulo.

  18. Ewan said on 27-06-2010

    you did the right thing.

    alam ko na ikaw lang talaga ang nakakaalam kung gaano kasakit at kahirap yung break up nyo.

    ive been thru to that kind of situation lately. as long as you did not do something wrong to him, then i guess nakakatulog ka ng mahimbing. tama lang ang desisyon mo to let him go. it is indeed difficult to be a friend to someone who broke your heart.

    in time you will forget him. wag ka na magpagamit sa kanya.

  19. Eric said on 26-06-2010

    @rudeboy. I know. Hahaha!

  20. rudeboy said on 26-06-2010

    Hah!

    Models.

  21. Vitori Thinks said on 26-06-2010

    This is so timely… =) I wrote something on my blog yesterday which was about closure and being friends. I think my ex and I will remain friends and that will be good enough. I think we’re OK in that circle…

  22. guyrony said on 26-06-2010

    Listen to the Letter Fabcast. The falling out is different however, you might pick up some hints and tips on how to move on about.

    Sure, exes can be friends but not when the wounds are freshly cut. In time. Let time take its place. Then healing begins.

  23. Little Fish said on 26-06-2010

    Friends with benefits….

    It would be great to say Adios!

    Instead…say, “Ver usted de nuevo.”

    Because someday you will meet again.

  24. Butter said on 26-06-2010

    ah ewan kung ako lalayuan ko sya ng bonggang bongga… matapos nya akong saktan friends pa rin kami…ano sya hilo??? cguro puede kami maging mag friends pero not now pag naka move on na ako. at saka dami naman puedeng eh friends bakit sya pa, kung ayaw eh di ayaw na, wala ng friend friend pa, iba na lang, iba naman… sasaktan ko pa sarili makinig sa mga kwento nya sa pakikipag flirt nya sa ibang guy, ano yon? hay…. di lang sya ang tao sa mundo, dami pa dyan promise.

  25. francis said on 26-06-2010

    what you need is time..time to assess everything, time to think & definitely time apart from him..you need to move on & F*CK around with other hot models..but you should not rule out being friends with him..in time, when every wound has healed, you’ll find forgiveness within you..you made the right decision..for now..

  26. polemic said on 26-06-2010

    Stay as friends…but not now. Take a break. You’ll just prolong the hurt you’re feeling if you strain your heart. Just like an ankle sprain, let it heal first. If you push it, it’ll take a whole LOT longer to get better.

  27. Alex said on 26-06-2010

    You can always be friends, why not? But I think there is also such as thing as keeping your distance when and where it should be. Let time be your ally in this case. Kung baga, do not force the issue. I once had a lover before na when we broke up, he felt that dapat we remain as friends. We did remain as friends but alam ninyo pareho na di na ganun ka lalim ang pagkakaibigan ninyo. Pero who knows? It might turn out to be different with you and him. But as I have said, don’t force the issue and give both yourselves time to heal.

  28. john stan said on 26-06-2010

    i say, don’t be jaded but don’t let yourself be used. in due time, your chance at friendship will come but not right now when trust and respect has just been lost.

  29. myst said on 26-06-2010

    bakit mo nga ba lalong sasaktanin ang sarili mo sa kanya? tama na nilalayuan mo siya para maka-move on ka na sa buhay at career mo.

  30. maccalister said on 26-06-2010

    maybe not for now,mahal ka pa niya,at tama ka,gusto nya na anjan ka lang sa tabi nya ‘as friends’ maybe mas less ang pain kapag anjan ka lang around…

    kung ako nasa situation mo,di ko din kaya maging friends,lalo’t andun un pain…maybe we are both selfish, its either i can have u or wag nalang LOL

    goodluck

  31. shinzo_kierk said on 26-06-2010

    No…No…No…

  32. cainam2002 said on 26-06-2010

    If i were in your shoes, i would consider being friends with him, kung maayos syang nakipag-hiwalay sa akin. Pero naman, text lang ang na-receive mo! This action clearly states na hindi kayo pareho ng level of commitment sa relationship ninyo. So, to answer your question, i would definitely say NO!

  33. Tristan Tan said on 26-06-2010

    I am in touch with my exes and, in fact, they are even on my Facebook (limited edition) but, I don’t think we’re friends. At least not anymore.

    For me, the foundations of friendship, apart from common interests, are trust and respect. These, sadly, are usually the first things that are shattered during breakups. So… no.

  34. imladris said on 26-06-2010

    Someone dish out the dirt on who these two closeted, wanna-be actors are..

    That’s what I wanna know. hehe

  35. Echoserita said on 26-06-2010

    Rye, you know your space and time. I had a boyfriend for almost a year and when we broke up it took around 3 damn years to have finally moved on. In that three damn years I would still feel jealous when he would let me know he is happy with this and that and it would always make me feel insecure, and sometimes regret.

    You will know when you have moved on when it no longer hurts you knowing he is with someone or when it no longer makes you feel insecure about his weakness. Friendship is a good thing. A very good thing. It’s a very rewarding feeling to be friends with someone who had been a part of your love life.

    But like I said, you know your own space and time. You know your situation better than we.

    Time heals. It will heal you. Just let it take its course in the way nature want it to be. One day you will be surprise you’d wake up being friends with him. And that’s a very joyful feeling.

    Love breaks. It breaks hearts too. Friendship may be broken too, but it usually has lower probability of being broken.

    I am so happy now with the friendship me and my ex has. We help each other on our own love life, should we have one. He sympathizes when I’m grieving, and also do to him. There may be a little flirting still, especially from some flashback, but when you know your limitations, friendship will stay as that. It’s all about self-control and discipline.

  36. soltero said on 25-06-2010

    wow..almost identical ang story naten except for the model part ahaha..ok model ako ng combantrin bwahaha.. anyways, ganun din ung dati ko, we’re still neighbors ahha, ung dialog after sex na ksalanan ek ek lagi din nya sinasabi, pati ung pag end ng relationship saying that it’s what’s good for both of us damn sakto haha..gus2 nya magka pamilya. di rin ako naglungkot lungkutan, oks lng khit mahal ko sya.

    ang difference? ako ang gustong maging friends pa rin kami, sya ayaw nya. it will come daw, but not right now hahah.

  37. benjie said on 25-06-2010

    sa 22o lng, i think tama ung ginawa mo. mas mabuti n ung 2luyan mo na xang layuan nang sa gayon ay makapag muvon ka n sa madaling panahon…

    sana maging okay ka na soon.. 🙂

  38. jcpogi said on 25-06-2010

    Never burn bridges. You’d regret this especially when he’ll be introduced as a Kapamilya soon. I am interested in finding out you and him. Lol

  39. mingmeows said on 25-06-2010

    blind item yan hehehe. pwedeng maging friends but let’s face it, may nakaraan kayo.

  40. joe said on 25-06-2010

    pride lang yan teh! pde naman kayong maging friends eh. kaso bitter ka pa kasi mahal mo pa sya. ayaw mo na maging close kayo nang nde “kayo”. ikaw ang selfish sa parteng ito. pag nakamove on ka na at natanggap mo na na nde pdeng maging kayo then magiging friends na kayo. let go. kung nde uukol, di bubukol. maraming pang ibang malalansang isda sa dagat teh! go lang ng go! pak!

  41. Black Cat / Winterking said on 25-06-2010

    A true test of courage and sane mind is not to avoid but to face the problem. Yes, there are people who would rather avoid than to face their fears to escape complications.

    When you make your bed, be sure to lay on it. the only memory you will be creating if you avoid is hate, regret and failure.

  42. bambee said on 25-06-2010

    Masarap mabuhay ng walang hinanakit sa dibdib, mas mabuti na yung ikaw ang sinaktan kesa ikaw ang nanakit, mas malaking blessings ang babalik sayo. Kung sa tingin mo sa hinaharap ay mapapatawad mo rin siya at matatanggap, bakit mo pa patatagalin ito. Ang pagpapatawad at pagtanggap sa bawat pagkakamaling nagagawa natin at nagagawa sa atin ay isang bagay na maaring magpatatag sa atin upang harapin ang iyong bukas ng may ngiti at bagong pag-asa. in short..MOVE ON! hehehe

  43. broken_Heart said on 25-06-2010

    Keep ur distance (physical and especially emotional) as of now… Everything will be fine. This happened to me 2x and now im done… i have become cold hearted.

  44. Fritz said on 25-06-2010

    I pushed someone away in the past… and until now, I’m regretting it even though I haven’t seen him for more than two years now. I think you shouldn’t cut him off your life… sabi nga, “How do you measure life?… measure with love…” Right now siguro masakit pa para sayo ang nangyari because you felt abandoned but do you really want to hate him just because of his weakness? You love him and I think he loves you too, conflicted nga lang siya dahil sa industriyang kinabibilangan ninyo… give yourself some time and maybe think about this: bakit mo kailangan ipagdamot ang friendship mo kung mahal mo naman yung tao?

  45. cholo said on 25-06-2010

    oh, come on! if the sex is good, why let him go? be practical. tama na ang drama. ‘nyeta.

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