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I’m guessing your name is Migs?

I’m Jake from Manila. Please reply in English because even though I’m half Pinoy, I only moved here recently. I met a guy, a professional bodybuilder. Big, strong, healthy-looking. We went out and like an idiot, I let him bareback me several times. He told me YESTERDAY that he’s been HIV+ since 2007. I nearly killed him. I’m still cleaning the blood off my floor and furniture. And the weird thing is, that’s the first time in my life I’ve ever laid a hand on another human being in anger. I just couldn’t control myself…


In early January this year, I started getting strange symptoms – rash, fever, diarrhea, cough that felt like I was going to wretch, nausea – even my esophagus swelled shut. Med. Ctr. Manila admitted me so they could deal with my 40-42 degree fever and get me rehydrated, tested me for Dengue Fever, and sent me home with some antibiotics. I got better, and was fine until…

I left here on 1/22 to go to Florida to visit my family. On the flight to San Francisco, I developed the most explosive diarrhea I’ve ever had. The fever returned, nausea, fatigue and abdominal discomfort. When I arrived at my cousin’s house, I slept, vomited and shit myself silly for 4 days, then I got better. And I was fine until…

I went to work on my ship (I’m a seaman). The first day onboard I felt strange but not like before. The second day, the diarrhea came back worse than ever. Abdominal cramps, chest pains, fever… They confined me thinking it was Norovirus, but when I came out, I felt even worse. The doctor (who was from South Africa and had just come from working in an AIDS hospital in Mozambique) asked me if I’d been tested for HIV. i told her that I had just a few months before and it was negative. So she convinced me to do another HIV antigen screening as part of a battery of tests. Her immediate concern was my loss of liver function…it was significant. But I thought she had to send the test off to shore when we returned to port 9 days later. I didn’t know she did it that day, and that night she called me to her office and told me that it had come back positive.

It felt like I had just gotten kicked in the gut. It’s been 5 days since then, and I’m getting worse…not physically, but every other way. I’m trying to alert guys I had sex with in the past few months and that’s killing me. I still haven’t told my partner because he works in Dubai, and it’s killing me. I don’t know one single positive person here and it’s killing me. My best friend and his partner are being the best, most loving, most supportive friends they can be but still, this is killing me. Migs, I’m not sure that I want to live to see what happens to me down the road. Everyone I’ve told has been loving, compassionate and super-supportive. But they don’t know what I’m going through myself. Hell, I’m not even sure what I’m going through to tell the truth.

I’m lost, scared, in pain…waiting for Monday so I can see a doctor. And even though Im surrounded by people who love and support me, it’s still going to be me who has to live with this. And I don’t have any idea how. I spent the afternoon on reading everything I could find about HIV/AIDS. My symptoms match acute HIV…which I think is bad, especially considering I’ve been ill for more than a month. But I had to open to look up half the words they used…I ddidn’t comprehend what I read, it just depressed me all to hell.

Can you do or say ANYTHING that will help end my pain? Right now, I don’t want to see another day! I don’t want another cramp, or another fever. I want to sleep again. I don’t want to be a burden to my friends or an embarassment to my family.

Where do I go from here? I really need a friend.


* * *

Dear Jake,

Thanks for sending your letter. If you are still feeling bad while reading this, I’m not surprised, so it’s okay. I can only imagine how difficult this time is for you. Perhaps the darkest place you’ve ever been. I guess there really are no words that can take away your pain. I don’t expect anything I do would help ease the feeling. But I suppose, having listened to a friend go through something similar, I can say allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and opening up to some supportive people can bring some relief. I would hold your hand if I can.

I have started to get more information from friends who are more in the know, and I’ll email you privately. For now, hang in there buddy. I’m not an expert but I have a strong feeling things will get better, and there’s some light after this moment.

Sending you light, love, and thoughts of healing, hope, and joy.


Comments (90)

  1. J. said on 26-12-2017

    I was just browsing for article that could enlighten me to whether disclose my case to a dentist or not (because I called a clinic once and asked if they cater to poz, but was informed that as much as they understood my predicament, it was better to have my teeth taken cared of by a dedicated dentist for the said disease from the local hospital where I get my meds.)

    I tested positive March of 2016. I told my siblings and close friends about it right away. They were very supportive, thank God. My brothers (who are straight don’t understand what HIV is, literally, and didn’t ask how I got it, but they were worried about me and been most loving; my to sisters didn’t ask how I got it as well but inquired how I was and if I’m taking meds for it already.)

    My cd4 went as low as 34 and I had TB, both pulmonary and mdr EPTB. I was so tired living, and I felt like a burden to my sisters, although they never, ever, made me feel that way.)

    There was a point when I stopped taking meds, both for MDR TB and HIV. It lasted for about a month. My friends told me that they were never disappointed that I got infected but they were because I’m about to give up.

    I realized I was lucky, still, considering.

    I hope that all poz are getting all the support they need. I also hope that no matter how hard it can get at times, giving up never becomes an option. And most important of all, that we become more responsible this time (as we know how difficult the struggle is.)

    We can beat this thing. All we need to do is to realize that we can.

    Sending all my love to you, guys. Take care.

  2. Anonymousofbacoor said on 28-02-2017

    Ive been suffered and felt the wrath and bitterness of this world since when i diagnosed last 2015. But on my own… slowly and with the help of my family and few friends I over come all fears. Pain and dissappointment. I tried to commit suicide many times but God saves me. He enlighten me. He whispered me to accept the struggle. Forgive the person who infected me and live happily. As of now although i am not very active when it comes to interacting in hiv community . I am blessed and live peacefully.. and having this cursed is a big challenge to me to keep going. Without anyone could harm. Sharing love and joy not the virus.

    • happy2017 said on 19-08-2017

      Hi im looking for friends whom i can with get some inspiration

      • Keepthefaith18 said on 31-10-2017

        Hello. Recently diagnosed pos and I am looking for someone whom I can share thoughts, feelings, tears, everything in order to surpass this challenge.

  3. Geloy said on 12-11-2016

    Hello jake. You are not alone. God is always there. People like us can support each other.

    • happy2017 said on 19-08-2017

      Hi geloy, hope to meet you and hear from soon. Yeah you are right, kindly email please im really looking for friends and not being alone in this fight.

  4. Vlad said on 19-05-2015

    I’ve tested positive just yesterday May 18, 2015. Since yesterday I’d been reading several blogs of individuals living with HIV. I find it comforting and a sourse of motivation to know that I am not alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone, to my bestfriends, family about my condition yet. I’m still afraid of the possible rejection and misjudgement from them.

    I’ve decided to account my daily struggles online and created my own blog though I’m not an excellent writer. Please visit my blog : or email

  5. New Manila said on 05-03-2012

    i wanna be tested too.. how? can someone accompany me through tests?

  6. Justin G said on 12-02-2012

    I was diagnosed with a decease like diabetis a few months ago… I saw family die from this decease; I know its not HIV but I think the reasons I got it and the ends are the same. I got it from take in too much sugar and not excersizing enough. I saw my family die from this thing and know that they all die about 20 – 25 years after getting it.
    I’ts similar cause we both got sick from not listening to people.
    I thought the ceiling was gonna fall on top of me and thought this was a death sentence. Hope this will help you.
    A few days after, I reflected and went to mass… I realized after praying what everyone here is saying… about us not being alone and us being loved…, I sat up, stopped crying and said I was gonna fight this.
    With modern medicine and excersize we can both beat this thing we hav…
    What you have, HIV, is something you got for doing something we all are probably guilty of… I havent been tested and not showing any symptoms… your letter has inspired me to live a safer life. Thank you and please call me if you need to talk 09279267006 😎

  7. Neil said on 06-01-2012

    Dear Jake, I had was diagnosed 2 weeks before Christmas with Gonorrhea which was from barebacking but I know it is not the same as what you are going through but it could of been worse.
    Please look into what I am going to share with you!
    There are 2 types of natural medicines Chinese medicine and Homeopathy which are the only methods that actually cure and not suppress an illness. Both of these methods work hostility meaning they work on body, mind and soul which the illness also affects.If looking for a Homeopath try to find a “Classical” one meaning they prescribe to Hahnanmans teachings. Please look into this as I have been going to a homoeopath for 11 years now for chronic and acute conditions and it have been mentioned that if I was ever infected with HIV that he would be able to treat it effectively. I am not trying to get your hopes up but hope will will look outside the square. All the best on your adventure.
    PS. If looking for a good homeopath the Indian culture have been using it for years and have a great understanding of it.

  8. Jovelle said on 12-09-2011

    Jake accompanied me to take the test. He is an angel. I had a great time with him. We talked, laughed, and cried. He saw my shaky hands, my eyes with sadness, my face with fear. This guy made me realize whats my purpose in life, and he helped me to appreciate small things.

    These are the unforgettable things that he said:
    “You’re my first female!”
    “Trust, but/and verify”
    “The sky is blue”
    “You are loved”

    Jake, you are also loved. And I made a promise that I will support your project. Your cheerful smile definitely brightens someone’s day.
    I had symptoms like sorethroat, flu-like, diarrhea for one week, genital warts, cervical dysplasia, white coated tongue, tiredness, and forgetfulness. I was crying at night for couple of weeks thinking I’m infected.

    “early detection is the key” and “there is no day but today” so you better take the test and face you fear. There are people who will help and will not let you feel alone.

    And thank God for giving me another chance.
    HepB, Syphilis, HIV 1/2 —NON-REACTIVE

    Thank you Jake and Migs. You’re both heaven sent.
    Jovelle isn’t my real name btw

  9. joshua said on 17-07-2011

    hi migz if u happen to have any contact with jake kindly please tell him that i have some important questions to ask about in private….tnx migz

  10. joshua said on 17-07-2011

    hi jake i really need to ask some important questions since i dont have your email add please email me instead…
    hope to hear from u soon

  11. aeriol said on 13-05-2011

    your not alone

  12. Jiro said on 07-04-2011

    Jake assisted me with his friend to get tested in HP. The process was so fast and cheaper than I thought. Jake made sure that I will be busy all throughout the day and he is a lot stronger than I thought. The funny thing is I didnt think he cant speak tagalog. I was in english mode the entire day.

    Ok go back to being serious, i got negative results. I was so relieved and i saw his happiness for me together with his friend. I was about to cry but there was a lot of people so i controlled myself and smiled instead. I made a vow to help Jake and his friend in any means that i can do to assist them. make them smile. I miss his company really.

  13. mions said on 15-03-2011

    Hi Jake, after reading all the comments here, I guess you dont feel that much alone anymore. Lots of us are leaving healthy and normal “moderated” lives. Being HIV pos gives you a new perspective on life. For me, it taught me to put my family first above everything. At the end of the day, they are the only ones you can really depend on. Although a certain label is still attached to people like us, always keep in mind that at the end of the day, God looks at us on equal grounds and that He loves us. Take care. If you want to email and share experiences drop me a line. its God bless!

  14. Jaekei said on 13-03-2011

    hmmm…. RITM groups are the BEST!

  15. herb said on 27-02-2011

    God is faithful… Don’t always think that what happens to us is a curse, a penalty, a reprimand, from God… If you have a relationship with Him, you’ll look at it in a way that probably God is using You to plant the love to people who are also infected with HIV. People are scared of POZ because they are uneducated.

    In college, I worked as an intern in a Hospital in Bacolod (Record’s Section). There you can see identified POZ people not allowed to use the phone, has to use masks before talking to staffs (demanded by the staff), and treating the whole room as if the virus is airbourne! These are nurses working in the Record’s Section. It’s unfortunate how some people in the medical area can be so ignorant about HIV.

    HIV to us is like thunder and fire for cavemen. We fear because we are not aware. It’s uncommon. It’s not something talked about. Awareness is the key!

    Sending all my love and hug to everyone. The same thing I did to this POZ who’s nearly blind because of megalovirus (complications of AIDS) spreading on his eyes. That was 5 years ago. Now it makes me cry…

  16. Jay said on 25-02-2011

    Im sorry for your horrible story, but you still dont’ get it ,Barebacking is not good. Being stupid in not using a condom is not an excuse you didn’t know. The guy you had sex with was he honest with you?? did you know he’s status?? Well obviously not. I think people over there in Manila need to wake up. You know if you were in the USA and you gave someone HIV it is considered illegal. You will be prosecuted and put to Jail. FYI. I wish you the best, but HIV+ is not end of your life. People are living longer and eating habits and how you deal with guys in the future is going to change.

  17. taekopenk said on 23-02-2011

    hello jake, migs and friends..

    altho im comfortably living a ‘clean’ life now, still i get haunted by my past unclean escapades. once and for all, i just wana be certified and medically confirmed clean, just to let go of this paranoia. But i can’t go to a doctor. or a lab. im not in manila. lahat ng tao dito chismoso at chismosa, i can’t regularly go for an HIV checkup. I have learned of a handy hiv test kit, where can i anonymously buy this? and how accurate are they?

    jake, hangon buddy. there have been problems in the past that we thought were the worst, and yet we were able to overcome them. its a cycle. ur facing a problem now, later u overcome them, then comes another worst problem, then it gets fixed and so on.. The point is, your problem now will eventually get fixed. (and who knows somewhere a doctor already found the cure). on your part, just keep the hope and faith, and keep doing what is right. thank you very much for your letter. it was a reality slap to some of us.

    • jerrychua1970 said on 23-02-2011

      hi to all, meron ako advise sa mga gustong magpa check Go to Hi Precision any branch give then a fake name dapat complete pati middle initial then get tested, after 5 hrs go their website and get your results no need to pick it up yourself that way pag pos+ (sana hindi) walang makakakilala sayo God Bless to all. madaming branch ang Hi Precision.

  18. markii said on 22-02-2011

    aww…i’ve been browsing on this blogsite for quite a long time now, but this is the very first time i sit on it and red the comments of the readers…it’s so amazing how things and people get connected to each other.
    naluluha ako while reading jake’s letter and every part of it i know was the truth and i feel for it.guess no one could ever know or understand how painful it is to be positive of HIV..but sure there are still positive things can happen.
    for jake…best of luck for you..GOD is still there always remember that and he will lead you to a better place meeting the right people along the way…and LIVE! 🙂

  19. martian05 said on 21-02-2011

    Sometimes, too much anxieties can give you more pseudo or physiological symptoms. Don’t Panic Just do the right thing and Yes you did, Jake. 😆

    • horcux said on 23-02-2011

      I kinda believe with this one martian05.. eto yata yung hypochondriac.. yan siguro yung naramdaman ko before.. sana..

  20. manchester said on 21-02-2011

    Hi Jake…

    PRAY to GOD. It is the most powerful antidote.

    Sometimes people take for granted the simplest way in finding the best cure.

    Stand still enjoy life to the fullest…

    in case you need some to talk too count me in…

  21. Sev said on 19-02-2011

    Jake, I previously wrote a very long message but I don’t know what happened to the computer everything went back to the main page. So I will try to write it again.

    Jake, it is hard to choose the words to make you feel a little better. Personally I do not think you need something external. I believe everything you need is purely a change on the inside. So all I want now is just to share with you how I deal with my own pain:

    1. I am not a religious person at all and certainly not the one who expects God to make my life better. No matter what you or anyone else think or say, I do not expect God to make my life better. In fact I expect him to make it worse. Why? He is God and he can do anything to me. I do not equate God with good. God cannot be limited to the good because God simply has no limits. God is both the good and the bad, no matter what the religious people say. True it may sound depressing at first. But when I somehow recognized this, I began to look at things and people with a less judgmental heart. That thief may be evil but he is a good father. That criminal may have injured so many people but that does not make me any better than him. The moment you let go of what is good or bad, that is the time you start shedding off some of your judgmental nature, and that is the time that the pain may subside. It depends on you if you buy this, Jake. but don’t you think it is worth trying to look at things as they are and not as either good or bad?

    2. Guilt. This kills people faster than any other disease. Guilt arises from the idea of being good, becoming good or staying good. “I could have done more.” “I wish I hadn’t done this.” “I want to be better.” These are the usual words of people who are always ready to feel guilt. That is why many good people die young and many evil people live long. It depends on how much guilt one keeps in his heart. The common herd always thinks that GUILT JUSTIFIES THEIR GOODNESS – this is most evident in people who think that they have to feel guilty everytime something bad happens on tv, trying to convince themselves that they are good boys and good girls just because they were able to feel some guilt when in fact little did they know they have never done anything to help the victim on tv. You have to rise from this level Jake. Now listen to this- so what if you killed someone? So what if you destroyed another person’s life? So what if you are not a good father or mother? So what if you are poor? So what if you are the most evil man or woman on earth? So what if you murdered several children? Listen to yourself and your feelings as you read the “So what” questions. Is there something that hurts your value system deeply? If there is, then that is where the pain arises. The pain arises when you want to try to be the best and to be good and to be the best lover, best husband, best wife, good person, clean person, etc etc etc. And EVERY TIME YOU ARE NOT THE GOOD THAT YOU WANT, YOU FEEL THE GUILT, AND THE GUILT BRINGS PAIN. You have to rise from this level of guilt and judgment Jake so that you can get rid of the pain or at least reduce it. For as long as you want things to be what YOU BELIEVE they are supposed to be, there will be pain. Always ask, so what? Many people think that God loves them only when they are good, and not when they are evil. If you are among those with this idea, you are bound to suffer pain for you will have judged yourself already even before God has judged you. Stop having to be perfect…stop desiring to be painless…stop desiring to be what you believe you should be….stop this guilt…and the pain is reduced.

    3. When I was a child, my father used to let me dig through garbage as punishment and I did not know that I have developed very low self-esteem. It is only years later that I found out through a shrink that actually i subconsciously interpreted the garbage digging as something that tells me that I am useless. However, this feeling of uselessness (no matter how true the feeling was) was just a mere assumption. My father’s superiority complex may have only been his own way of getting rid of his own stress, Jake. THAT WAS NOTHING AGAINST ME AND MY BEING. I am intact as i am. Wait, I am not saying I am special ok. That is the big problem with people who think they are special because God made them. They are the ones who get hurt first especially is someone did something to destroy this “being special” image of theirs. The point is, everything I have felt no mater how real the feelings were were actually not a part of me. I am still me. Now you ask me, what is your point now? The point is, yes, just this. Just simply recognizing this idea somehow will open your mind to the possibility that although you feel the pain, your SELF is not hurt or affected at all.

    You may not agree with me on these things but I won’t be surprised if that’s your position, as all truths are first opposed strongly before they are accepted, as what Arthur Schopenhauer said.

    All i know Jake is that the more prejudices one has, the more pain he or she feels.

    This is actually not about being HIV positive or negative, this is all about humanity.

    One more thing Jake, I am no better than you. HIV negative people are no better than you. But then again, even if they are, SO WHAT?

    You may contact me through email, you can email me at, even if you have to argue with me about the things I have mentioned above.

    Lastly I will leave you with two quotes from Seth (who occupied Jane Roberts’ body):

    “As long as you feel you have to argue and fight for something, then you are not allowing Spirit to heal you and then naturally you have pain.”

    “Whatever you see around you, that’s what is in your heart.”

    Whether you agree with me on these, I remain your friend, Jake.

    Very sincerely yours

  22. horcux said on 18-02-2011

    I got myself tested this morning… it was terrifying.. good thing I got in touch with Jake, the guy who posted this letter.. he’s very nice to come with me.. we went to Hi Precision Diagnostic Center sa Manila.. I paid 595 for HIV1/2, RPR, and HepaB…
    Have to wait for 6 hours bago makuha yung result… thanks to Jake, coz he welcomed me in his condo, watched Hachiko together, and cried together because of that loyal dog haha, and wait there… that was the scariest 6 hours..
    And we went back there. Got the results… and there ya go, non-reactive sa 3 tests. WHEW.. Jake is so emotional when he saw the result.. very happy for me.. really glad that I did the test and discover the result with someone, with a new friend.. that made things much easier..
    Now I need to see a doctor for my stomach… there might be something wrong there.. or maybe i should start drinking meds for the abdominal stress.. but I’m still worried, a bit.. after 3 months, I’ll go back there and take the test again.. just to be sure…
    Thank you so much for those who emailed me.
    and most importantly, thank you so much Jake! You are a blessing, and we’ll be here for you too, no matter what 🙂

    • Jake said on 19-02-2011

      Hey man…I am SOOOO happy you spent the day with me, and even happier with the results of your test. Now you be safe from now on and make sure that you let me know when you go for your follow-up. You know that I’m here if you need me. Maybe we can find another sad movie to watch while waiting next time also! haha…

      Ingat bro – I’m SO happy you’re okay. Have a happy day!


    • jerrychua1970 said on 21-02-2011

      ask ko lang did they hi precision ask for any ID? also any counselling done before the actual test?
      i am really scared kasi had sex unprotected dec 16 and always madaming symptoms, shoulder pain, dry mouth and tongue

    • jerrychua1970 said on 21-02-2011

      Hi, glad to hear your negative but take note of your last exposure, i heard its 3months.
      Ako naman last exposure ko Dec. 16 so I still have 3weeks to go. Noong una gusto kong dumating na yun 3mos but ngayon na palapit na natatakot na ako sa WHAT IF? Mga symptoms ko ay pananakit ng shoulder and medyo mahapdi na dila.
      Anyway best of luck and sana ask ko lang did they ask for an ID sa Hi Precision to get the test? Also meron pa bang mga counselling na ginawa sayo before ka kinunan ng dugo?

      • horcux said on 21-02-2011

        Hi.. I know, I’m aware of the 3month period thingy.. so I’m still worried.. but at least there’s a little assurance that I am safe.. and my sexperiences were all protected naman.. but still, I need to be sure.
        sa Hi-Precision, they didnt ask for ID.. I’m just plain stupid to give my real name there.. and walang counseling.. they just asked me why?.. for work? personal reasons?.. ganun lang

      • Jerrychua1970 said on 22-02-2011

        Thanks and best of luck, don’t forget to pray and be safe kahit protected ka.
        Ako right now is being treated chlamydia and will reach my window period by march 16 so wish both of us luck, are you experiencing any symptoms?

      • Jerrychua1970 said on 22-02-2011

        Klan days ka na ba since last possible exposure? I get some info na after 8 weeks almost 99% na nag elisa test, yan ba gonads ng hi precision sayonara?

      • horcux said on 22-02-2011

        “Klan days ka na ba since last possible exposure? I get some info na after 8 weeks almost 99% na nag elisa test, yan ba gonads ng hi precision sayonara?”
        – medyo nalito ako sa comment mo na to.. sorry 🙂
        Last anal sex(protected) ko is Feb 10.. so mag 2 weeks na rin.. yung mga major symptoms wala naman.. after learning na negative result ko, medyo nabawasan yung stress and paranoia.. and made me feel better.

    • Kai said on 27-02-2011

      Does Hi precision need any form of ID or can I give a fake name?

  23. justin_bi said on 18-02-2011

    Hi Jake,

    I hope you’ll find strength with this thought “Whatever problems you are facing now..healthy or not always remember that LIFE is just a matter of when?! Life is nothing but just a BREATH.. borrowed life from HIM. so enjoy while its there…Life is fair.. we all have our own game ons…

  24. jozr8 said on 18-02-2011

    Dear Jake,
    I got chills listening to your story and I empathize with you, no amount of words online can compensate for the depression at night or the thoughts that churn you in and out when you go to your treatments.
    I met Wanggo Gallga before also and he undergoes this therapy which his sister applies to him that takes away his pain and raises his T cells. Do check his group out, I am sorry i dont have his contact now though.He is still actively working as a writer.
    RENT RENT RENT, Forget regret or life is yours to miss.And every day is a season for love to be shared.
    You know what, we are strangers here really, but your courage to share and the love you enabled this community to pour out is full of grace.
    you can get in touch with me if you just are down and if you wanna share something. Aside from AZT, there are cocktail therapy, plus herbal medicine that can raise your immune system count.
    And most of all, pray, and elevate your thoughts as mind can influence your body’s resistance. ONe day I hope to also see you in person like the others in this group who want to reach out and make you feel you are loved , same to all other men who have HIV.
    “Measure your life in love, seasons of love, no day but today!”
    “For God so loved the world (you and me) that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.”
    God bless you Jake.

  25. G's partner said on 17-02-2011

    i know how exactly jake might feel nowadays, i had a partner for 9 years, he died 2 years ago of AIDS related complications. He died with his secret intact to all his friends and parents. He even hid it from me for so long, the only time i discovered it when i have his blood examined during routine cbc, i asked the med tech to check the blood if he is capable of donating blood in the future, way of circumventing the AIDS law, he was positive,he died on the same day before the result came in. His death plus the naked truth of his disease’s nature was beyond words, i can’t describe how i feel that day, that was the most difficult day of my life, way more difficult than my medical board exams. The pain of losing someone you love is already enough to tear a soul apart, the pain of losing someone you love from AIDS is double jeopardy, but the pain of losing a partner from AIDS and he hid from you was like you were struck by a thunderbolt in the gut, But even then, i compose myself, played the role of a loving partner perfectly from day 1 of his wake up to the day of his cremation. I loved him more than anything in this world not even a mere virus could define the barrier of our love, if only he had the courage to tell me, he might yet be alive today and still enjoy the wonderful Manila Bay sunset together with me. I am negative ever since, i make sure that i get my blood examined every 6 months.Please tell your partner your true status, he deserves honesty, all your past actions has repercussions and results, he deserve respect and your love.

    • eric said on 18-02-2011

      hi g partner- well ,first sorry for your loss, but he was lucky to have you, kakainggit naman, bihira na makakita ng kagaya mo, haay , well ako eh never pa ako nag ka BF, hmm i`m in my 40`s and i`m sure compatible tayo when in comes to job hehe, sana loveless ka pa, pwde ka maging friend ? hehe thanks

    • Jake said on 18-02-2011

      Wow, G’s…that must’ve been unbearable for you. Thank you for your story.

      My partner works overseas, and we very rarely get to talk on the phone anymore because of his schedule. So I wrote a NOVEL of an email, and told him everything. I had already prepared myself to be single. But to my great surprise, he was so understanding and supportive, and he’s vowed to stay with me and see me through this. I feel really lucky.

      The other thing that caught my attention was your mention of sunsets over the bay. Before I was diagnosed, to be totally honest, I had become really self-destructive. Since my man left me here alone (I had only been in the Philippines 3 months when he left and I was terrified here on my own, and wouldn’t leave my room for a month after!), I’ve become increasingly self-destructive…drinking, smoking way too much, way too much sex (boy, I never thought I’d say THAT!) and even started dabbling in drugs again after 15 years of being clean. But in my process of accepting my condition, I’ve started to appreciate things I haven’t appreciated for a very long time…birds singing (when you can hear them over the traffic..haha), music, friends, sunlight, fruits & vegetables and walking just to name a few. The other day, I wanted to get out of my condo…which I NEVER used to do in the daytime! I went for a RIDICULOUS walk – through Luneta Park across Roxas Blvd to the grandstands, down Roxas past the US Embassy all the way to Remedios. I walked up to San Andres all the way to Taft, then turned and went to Vito Cruz, had dinner and then walked back to my place in Paco. As I was walking along the bay, it was sunset – just like the last time I was standing there when my man was still here and everything here was still new and exciting.

      He’ll be home soon. And when he’s here, I’m going to haul him down to the bay, and we’re going to watch the sunset together, just like before. It’s those simple things I crave now. I want to live…and what a beautiful way to end a day, those sunsets on the bay.

      Thank you again for your story. I was touched, and had I not already told him, I would after reading your story.

      Be good to yourself!


  26. dr magsasaka said on 17-02-2011

    SECTION 14. Penalties for Unsafe Practices and Procedures – Any person who knowingly or negligently causes another to get infected with HIV in the course of the practice of his/her profession through unsafe and unsanitary practice or procedure is liable to is liable to suffer a penalty of imprisonment for six (6) years to twelve years, without prejudice to the imposition of administrative sanctions such as, but not limited to, fines and suspension or revocation of the license to practice his/her profession.

    SECTION 34. Disclosure to Sexual Partners – Any person with HV is obliged to disclose his/her HIV status and health condition to his/her spouse or sexual partner at the earliest opportune tine.
    Republic Act 8504 – Aids Prevention and Control Act of 1988

    • Jake said on 17-02-2011

      Thank you for that Doc. I’m happy to know that there is some legal recourse for me! I really appreciate your input. Thank you!

  27. dr magsasaka said on 17-02-2011

    You can review the Philippine HIV Law. I think it is downloadable from the DOH site.
    I strongly suspect that there is an item there dealing with persons who knowingly infect other people with HIV.

  28. reiley said on 17-02-2011

    i enjoyed reading articles in this site.. thank you.. ill definitely tell this site to other readers of

    they will surely love this..

    keep it coming..!

  29. HIVPOS27 said on 17-02-2011


    If you need someone to talk to email me at or visit my story . May be I can help you by giving some useful informations in this trying times. Hold on bro this is not the end of the line!

  30. Doug said on 17-02-2011

    There are new and better drugs to make living with HIV easier, whenever anyone barebacks they are playing Russian roulette. It takes two to tango.

  31. pj said on 17-02-2011

    “There’s only us, there’s only this. Forget regrets, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way”
    i bet to disagree with whats stated above. there is Jesus, He loves you more than you’ll ever know. Call on Him, He can be your bestfriend if you want Him to. there is always hope as long as your alive.

    pj 🙂

  32. positHIVe said on 17-02-2011

    if you need someone to talk to, or question about HIV/AIDS email me at or visit my blog I will try my best to help you. 😛

  33. horcux said on 17-02-2011

    I’m still scared.. what I’m feeling now is stomach distress.. i feel the urge to vomit, but never pa ako nagvomit.. No fever.. they’re saying it might be hyperacidity due to stress and paranoia.. I wanna believe them, to make me feel better. I will go to RITM this friday to get tested.. wish me luck.. please pray for me.

  34. Maxx said on 16-02-2011

    Hello Jake. I’m sorry to hear your pain. I guess life has really a different way of telling us about our recklessness and ignorance. I do hope this situation will be your guide to start “living” and be grateful for the things that we previously took for granted. As they all say there is Light at the end of the tunnel and I pray that HIS love will bring you peace.

  35. dani said on 16-02-2011

    hi jake! have faith in Him. Just pray. You can come to me sa church. Start with spiritual strength and everything will follow. 🙂

    just email me.

  36. NurseOnDuty said on 16-02-2011

    stay strong, rely on your family, friends and if possible, your religion for support….

    Take care of yourself more meticulously, wear a mask when you go outside, the slightest cough or flu will be harder to deal with. Don’t take vitamin C mega doses… it’s not beneficial. Try wheatgrass, its disgusting, but it helps. Get proper amount of sunshine and stay active. It might be painful, but you can alleviate the pain. I don’t want to sound like a know it all, but sometimes, some of the pain may only be psychological (most of the cases)… stay calm, think on what you REALLY feel and pray.

    Hope I helped in some way. 😀

  37. luke drake said on 16-02-2011

    hang-on buddy!

  38. Nickz202 said on 16-02-2011

    HIV/AIDS…. Its forever na yan.. hindi na yan mawawala.,.,

  39. Jake said on 16-02-2011

    Guys, thanks so much for your support. It’s so good to see all the replies and to know that I’m really not alone.

    I just wanted to post an update. I’ve started with RITM since Monday. It was the saddest, scariest trip I’ve ever made to a hospital. My cramps were the worst ever, and because of the state of my liver, I can’t take pain meds yet. Plus (and I wasn’t expecting this), the language barrier really is significant! I’m worried about going there by myself because my Tagalog (especially regarding medical issues) is even worse than their English! haha… I can’t cast stones. 😉

    I was waiting for my lab appointment this afternoon and was walking through the mall to kill time. I was thinking about all the potential problems that lie ahead – can I go back to work? am I going to lose a month’s pay? what’s going to happen to my immigration status? just one thing after another. And then, the words of a song from the musical “Rent” popped into my head. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN “RENT”, YOU NEED TO SEE IT!!! From now on, these words are what I’m holding onto. I find so much strength in them. I have no choice but to accept that this is my life now, and to make the best of it. I hope maybe these words can be encouraging or comforting to someone else who is scared, worried and going through the same dark time as me. If not, I still think it’s a great way to look at life.

    “There’s only us, there’s only this. Forget regrets, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way…NO DAY BUT TODAY.”

    • tonichi said on 16-02-2011

      Dear Jake,

      I salute you for your courage to seek out help, not just ‘medically’ but rather for reaching out to people, to total strangers even, to ease your pain.Rest assured that there will be kind-hearted individuals who are more than willing to assist you, to turn themselves into your support group. You need all friends — old and new — you could muster. Be afraid no more, as migs said, there’s light after all your moments of darkness. [What I know is that there’s actually a group, where Wanggo Gallaga — another HIV patient, seeks out and in turn assists others. I will try to reserach on that].

      May I suggest something? TURN TO JESUS. Turn to God. Pray my friend. Prayers will do wonders in easing all our pain. Jesus will heal your heart and make you a better, enlightened person.

      Be an isnpiration to others, Jake, not a warning but a voice or a face of encouragement and courage. Don’t let yourself become just a statistic or another figure in the growing number of HIV patients. Be the one who will lead others to safer sex, to a more responsible relationship, to a more blissful commitmment (whether straight or homo or whatever label one can imagine, love after all knows no boundaries0.

      For the meantime, take care. You have already made the first steps — the road ahead may be bumpy but I know you’ll get by.

      I will include you in my prayers Jake.

      • Jake said on 16-02-2011

        Thanks for your reply. It’s so great to know that I can make a desperate plea on a blog I’d never even run across before and get so much positive reinforcement from it.

        I’m in the process of seeking out new friends. I didn’t have a lot of friends before this happened, but the real friends I had are more than friends, they’re my family, and they’ll always be here for me. And the best part, is they’re the kind of friends I need…healthy, positive (as in optomistic, happy) friends who are always there for me. But I want to find a network of HIV positive guys who I can actually hang out with face-to-face…go to movies with, spend afternoons over coffee or taking trips or just hanging out somewhere.

        My life before was all about alcohol, drugs and sex. Not just once in a while…EVERY NIGHT! I have to make a serious change, and it’s going to take friends to make that change.

        I am not a Christian- I’m Buddhist. And just like Tiger Woods said when he got busted with all those women, I had gotten away from my Buddhist beliefs and practices. I’m returning to them now, and you’re right, there’s comfort and strength to be found there…whatever your religion is!

        If you have any info for me, please let me know. I’m on the right path and I’m feeling hopeful and brighter. But I still need help.

        Thanks again for your post.

      • telebong said on 17-02-2011

        Dear Jake,

        Everything will come smoothly. What you need is medical treatment. Take good care of your health now because the risk is your body’s immune system gets weak.

        Now that you have known the test is best that you get to be treated immediately. Antiretroviral treatments are needed.

        For now, just stay calm and be happy 🙂

  40. mario said on 15-02-2011

    Hi, from a medical point of view, u still need to see a doctor to be guided properly, i can refer you to my friend/peer if u are interested.

  41. markymarkibs said on 15-02-2011

    i admire your courage but i also feel your anguish and pain…
    like what they’ve said, pray, seek comfort to god, and to your social support… it will help…

    im a counselor by profession by the way and im so willing to help you with this..feel free to contact me if you want…

    but again, dont give up, be strong and have faith.

  42. 2013med said on 15-02-2011

    Be strong for yourself even if it feels like the end of the world. It might be helpful if you join a support group for aids, at least you have a group wherein you can confine your feelings or get valuable info as well. It would also be good to visit sites where they give you credible info about the disease such as

  43. HIVPOS27 said on 15-02-2011


    If you need someone to talk to email me at or visit my story . May be I can help you by giving some useful informations in this trying times. Hold on bro this is not the end of the line! 🙂

  44. mingmeows said on 15-02-2011

    Let go. Let God.

  45. Angelo said on 15-02-2011

    Share ko lang itong link ng isang POZ who is into the ministry of HIV/AIDS awareness. Hope you get inspired. Here is the link:

    God still loves you no matter what. 🙂

  46. jeffrey said on 15-02-2011

    Jake, I know that no amount of words from any of us will be enough to give you all the assurances you need at this low point in your life. And right now, I will also say the same thing as what others have already said. If you are not a religious guy, I am not saying that you start becoming one right now. But you know what, talking to Him in the best way you know will definitely be a good start. Now here is my challenge. I know that this will be very, very difficult to do. It may take a while and I do understand. But perhaps, it may be part of your own healing process, I don’t know. I am suggesting that you reach out to the guy who infected you and maybe also be able to persuade him to work things out with himself, his illness, his situation so that he will be able to find the right direction at this stage in his life too. I know that it will not be easy. But who knows? It might lead you to what may be your own personal mission too. Sounds too idealistic? Perhaps. But do think about it. And more importantly, you are not alone in this battle. Besides God, there are others too who will fight with you, stay with you, be with you, comfort you. Your friends here in MGG definitely will be with you. Hang in there, buddy.

  47. Kiks said on 15-02-2011

    hi positHIVe.

    writing Migs is a good therapeutic process. writing him about your situation and how you are feeling is cathartic. it is a good start so don’t stop.

    do take some of the suggestions here: go to RITM, talk to people who are POZ and who are positively taking it, continue reading about HIV and be strengthened by the fact that it can be controlled albeit not cured (yet).

    tears come natural so just let them. 😉

  48. MrCens said on 15-02-2011

    it doesnt mean that you have hiv you will die sooner than us. who knows, tomorrow, we will be hit by a pushcart and die, lol! you cant tell and only GOD knows when is our right time.

    jake, i was thinking of giving you FB link of my close friend who was tested HIV+ last 2009 but i realized it cant be. he might sue me, hehehe… backinthecloset.blogspot is a good start. there are lots of links on his page that will help as well. the chronicles of e (book) is also very interesting.

    one thing for sure, my close friend is 10X more beautiful than ever. i don’t know if it is because of the virus or the medicines he is taking, or he is just too healthy or just enjoying life to the fullest. but always be reminded that there is also a law, that HIV+ should declare their status to their partner.

    family and real friends really counts, im happy that you found some.

  49. Paolo said on 15-02-2011

    Who is this despicable person who knowingly put you at risk? Can you press charges against him? If he’s done this to other people as well, perhaps you could find a way to contact those people so you could all come forward and press charges. I’m not a lawyer but there’s gotta be something that can be done to prevent that guy from putting more people at risk.

    I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you, and I hope that you will learn how to cope with this in time, and that things will get better.

    • Jake said on 16-02-2011

      I’m consulting a lawyer now, but it doesn’t look very promising. The Philippines is not yet tested when it comes to this sort of thing. But who knows, maybe mine will be the first case. I don’t intend to let this son of a bitch hurt anyone else if I can help it!

      • concerned_citizen said on 20-02-2011

        hi good sir,

        when you said he is a bodybuilder, that would mean he goes to a gym, can you tell us which gym? getting a little paranoid about that evil person, he might be intentionally spreading it, not just in sex but possibly in other means like steroids needles not being disposed properly in gym lockers, etc…

        hope you can warn the people about this monster…

        take care…

  50. horcux said on 14-02-2011

    Migs, hope you’ll allow me to repost this

    I’m so worried with my situation now.
    Dec 2010 when I tried Massage Parlors for gay guys.. madami akong natry na MPs.. and of course, naka-encounter ng different masseurs.
    Sa lahat ng experiences ko, I had 5 anal sex experiences.. pero protected naman.. and i think 1 lang yung nagpalabas sa loob (but still wearing the condom)..
    I also sucked a couple of guys.. pero never silang nagpalabas inside my mouth, as far as i remember. But the fact that I have broken teeth made me nervous that I might be at risk, kahit walang cum.. (i’m so not sure with pre-cum)
    Lately, I feel so weak. Muscle and joint pains, kakaibang feeling sa stomach (but not diarrhea.. maybe gutom.. i dont know). Then yesterday, pakiramdam ko may sore throat ako, pero hindi severe, im not even sure if it is sore throat, then may nakapa ako sa leeg ko.. maybe a lymph node.. pero parang pimple din, i couldnt differentiate the two. So far, wala pa namang fever, though medyo mabigat ang pakiramdam ko.
    These things made me so paranoid.. so i did my research.. until now, naguguluhan ako. I really wanna try theblood test as soon as possible.. pero I’ve read somewhere na may window period. I dunno what to do.. My last sexual encounter is last Feb 10. This paranoia makes me more stressed.. kaya i really wanna make sure kung ano ba talaga.
    Hope you could help me.. ano bang maaadvice nyo sakin?
    Looking forward for your reply..
    here’s my email

    Jake, I’m praying for you. I’m scared just like you.. and I don’t know what will happen to me If ever I’m positive.. I’m really scared, but I’m trying to be strong. Hope you’ll find the support you are looking for

    • HIVPOS27 said on 15-02-2011

      Guys, if you need someone who went thru the same thing and you want to talk or ask anything about it let me know. Email me at just leave your contact no. and I’ll give you a call as soon as possible. Thanks!

    • Jake said on 16-02-2011

      Bro, I feel for you. But you need to get tested right away. I was having sex even after my symptoms started because it never occurred to me that I could be positive (thankfully I’ve notified the guys and they’re all negative. It was always safer sex.). Your symptoms sound similar to mine – I’m suffering from acute HIV infection – which can start manifesting itself in less than 6 weeks from the time you are infected! Those 3-9 month incubation period things you hear all the time don’t apply to all of us…I’m living proof. Get tested asap. If it comes back negative, be safe and get tested again every 3 months until you’re sure you’re okay. But always you should get tested every 6 months. Good luck to you. You can contact me through Migs if you need to talk. Take good care of yourself ok? I wish you well friend.

  51. NONO said on 14-02-2011

    Jake,my friend hang in there, be thankful you have a best friend that understands your situation right now. I have been saying to everybody having AIDS is NOT the end of the world. Try talking people who are HIV-POS, these are individuals that can give you the right direction on how to deal with your illness. Don’t lose hope, I have friends who are HIV-POS for more than 25 years now and they have happy productive lives. Just think the good things that you can do to better this world of ours. We have now advance medical treatment to combat this illness (not a cure) these are medicine that can sustain the quality of life with AIDS. Seek help from health professionals who specializes in this particular malady. Most important is think positive, have a healthy lifestyle for your body and your being. You are one lucky guy you have a good friend to cry on,think about that.

    If you need to know how my HIV friends are doing r just want to know my experience with HIV by all means please email me.

  52. Ynetten said on 14-02-2011

    Dear friend! To be infected is never a wish of anyone, much more to us PLUs. But if we did and got the disease then it’s all for a reason.
    Prevention is always the best option. But again, we can’t really be sure of the time, the moment and the feeling. So that was it.
    Don’t blame yourself or your willing partner.
    Because everal messages come to mind in that spur of a moment thing. It may be to open our eyes that we are going overboard. Or we have or already have need to temper, to moderate our desires which I know is very difficult to do when the urge is so much or in an extreme situation that can not be denied.
    Don’t despair though. HE is there for us! Pray, pray and pray! Hope, love, kindness, care, understanding, etc. are in most cases what one receive in even such unexpected instances. That too is another message.
    In hindsight, an equally important, if not the most important, message was when you offer the consumation of true love. It is loving yourself, pampering it with manifestations of unconditional love, that is, when you both agree to share your love.
    In short don’t blame anybody. Not even yourself!
    Love has no bounds… it is freeflowing in many conditions, even forgetting whatever circumstances that come afterwards. Because loving is sacrificing. Because you also loved your self. And doing it blindly is of course a different matter!
    This blog and its subscribers comes a strong willed support group as well!

  53. bruno said on 14-02-2011

    anyway, dude.. BE STRONG, do know that you’re not alone. I’m not sure how I can help, but I know how it feels like be sad and no one’s there. I don’t have HIV but I know how it’s like to be depressed.. hmmm I’m willing to listen 🙂 I’m not sure how to reach you though hehe. but yeah, i want to help 🙂

  54. eron said on 14-02-2011

    Geez, why would anyone bareback someone if he knew he’s been positive for 3 years!

    Hang in there buddy. It will all get better.

    • Jake said on 16-02-2011

      In the United States, I could have his ass arrested for (1) Wreckless Endangerment, (2) Aggravated Assault With A Deadly Weapon and possibly even (3) Attempted Murder. Sadly, I don’t think the legal system here would support a case against him. But even if it did, I have a feeling that the media, etc. would victimize me even further…and I’ve had enough.

  55. ianfelix said on 14-02-2011

    hang in there, you will be okay!

  56. positHIVe said on 14-02-2011

    It’s okay to feel lost, scared and in pain, I felt that too when I was diagnosed reactive last 2009, I thought I was going to die, I did questioned God why, but I didn’t blame him for what happened, I just asked for strength and guidance, I pray whenever I had lost hope, being positive at the age of 21 is not easy and having a mother that can’t accept you with the virus makes it worst, with God by my side I stayed strong, hoping that one day she will accept me, and now our relationship keeps on getting better. Having the virus made me appreciate my life more, I am thankful for every blessings that I received and I value everyone around me especially my family. Try to seek help from others, having a support group can be a great start, it may take months or even years for you to be able to accept it, but believe me it will get better, you are going to be fine… your heart is still beating… God bless! Hope this helps. 😛

    • Jake said on 14-02-2011

      Thanks positHIVe. I actually had a good day today. I went to RITM for my initial visit. It was SOOOO hard! Thank God one of my closest friends was with me. If he hadn’t been, I think I would’ve just left and would never have gone back. My cramps were really bad this morning and I kept doubling over. Plus, I was scared and kept crying. At one point I got really angry at the guy who infected me and nearly lost it. I got REALLY frustrated at the language barrier also! But my friend was 100% there for me the whole day. He held my hand when I cried, he translated, helped me get around and by the end of the day we were laughing with the doctors and nurses and other patients in the office. It was a good day, and for the first time since Feb. 5 I’m smiling and I feel like there’s hope.

      I’m still lonely though. I hate night time. When the sun goes down I get really, really depressed. I live alone. Before, if I felt like this, I’d either go drink or find a hookup. That’s changed now – at least for the moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself! I hate being wholesome! haha…

      Can you help me find a support group where I can meet other + guys and maybe even find people to hang out with?

      Thanks for your post. I hope to hear from you again!

      • positHIVe said on 14-02-2011

        glad to hear you a nice day, RITM is a nice treatment hub, I heard lots of good comments about it, I have friends who goes there. Whenever you feel lonely, sad or depressed just pray, I wasn’t really a religious person, but talking to God has helped me to cope up with the situation and I realized that the only person that can help me is myself. Just stay strong, hang in there my friend, you can still do the usual stuff a non-reactive person can, and yeah you can do the “thing” only safer. hehehe… Email me at i know some people that can you help.

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