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“Next year, I’ll be 18,” says Kiddo, a guy I met a couple of months back via that Great iPhone app (a.k.a. Grindr). Moments before, he called, as if I was lifeline 9-1-1, saying he needed to get out of the house, and have someone to talk to. I was, at that time, having my alone time at Kozui, reading my Kindle. I felt I needed to be there for him, so I went.

Lucky that he lived just minutes away from Kozui. In less than 10 minutes, we were both in my car. “I want to eat Sonja’s cupcakes,” he said. Sensing the cupcakes represented more than just a gastronomic band-aid, I agreed, and so we went, heading to Serendra.

So he then started spilling the beans. Story was that he met a guy (also via Grindr) a couple of weeks back who turned his world upside down. The guy made him feel special, held him in such a special way, slept with him, introduced him to family, yadda-yadda. The boy, not suprisingly, was swept off his feet.

“But after Thursday, that last night we spent together, he started being cold. Text messages came fewer and far between.”

That was Thursday night. Today is Sunday. Three days. And his world was crumbling. At least it felt that way.

I told him it’s tough feeling like one’s left hanging, deserted, not knowing what happened — one day you’re deliriously happy, and then bam! You don’t even know what hit you, yet you find yourself alone, feeling perhaps a gaping hole at the deepest, tenderest part of your heart.

“Today I woke up and had Tylenol PM as my breakfast.”

The seventeen-year-old is clearly depressed. I didn’t tell him that though. Instead, I told him it’s okay to be not okay. Bottling up the feeling won’t do you any good, I said. But look, I said, clearly I’m talking to myself, convincing him as much as I’m trying to convince myself:

“Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Honor it. Be sad if you’re sad. Sadness won’t be given us if it has no use in some way. So go ahead, be sad, and feel it with all your being. However, pray that you be given the wisdom to know when to stop, when to dust your feet off, and say ‘I have felt what I felt, I acknowledged it, embraced it, and for good measure, have immersed myself in it. Now, I am done.’ Then you move on and reach for the next best-feeling thought.”

* * *

This post is not really about the boy. Well it is, but it is about me too. A sudden turn of events on Friday the 13th pushed me over a cliff, so to speak, to a valley of tears.

It’s okay to be not okay, I whisper to myself too. Soon, I will be okay. Meanwhile, it’s okay to be not okay.

Comments (19)

  1. ilon said on 14-07-2011

    bakit kaya me mga taong ganyan? They will make you feel spacial, then *poofff, “‘ay nahulog” ang magiging drama. Ni-hindi manlang sau sabihin kong bakit nanlamig na sya. kung me nasabi o nagawa kang mali. kung me problema ba syang matinding pinagdadaan. o ayaw ng parents nya sau… ‘bat di nalang sabihin, para naman di masyadong masakit, kasi me dahilan… me pagkakapitan ka kung bakit parang bula na lang ang lahat…

  2. John Doe said on 18-05-2011

    I had the same thing happen to me. With the same guy, every year for the past 3 years. 1st year as students (didnt have time) met your friends, 2nd year as board takers (left for the US) and 3rd “co residents” as you told your parents, yes parents, when we incidentally had dinner that night, before you took and broke my heart for the last time. In your room, at your parent’s house… Talk about being stupid for the nth time. I finally realized, no, I had it with playing stupid at my own expense. I wanted you to tell me, I wanted to hear it straight from your mouth that I wasn’t good enough for you and I never will be. It was bad because I had to squeeze it out off you so I had to wake up from my denial.
    Now we work in the same hospital, in the same department. Always… Always just meters apart. How cruel can destiny get? How did we both end up here? It hurts. When I stop myself from taking to you. When you look away as I catch you staring… (Funny and irritating at the same time that I want to rip your head off hahahaha :twisted: ) When we pretend to not know each other and that everyone is oblivious to the fact of what we are and what we are not. When I know that up to this day, Up to this damn day, I still hope that you want to be with me too. Because I do.

    • nandy said on 19-05-2011

      @John Doe

      Bro, I can imagine how difficult it must be to move on when you’re reminded everyday by his looming physical presence.

      Look at it this way: you can deal with it head on. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing how much you have been hurt, he no longer has power over you. In the end you will be a better and stronger person for having to go through with that.

      *hugs*

  3. mingmeows said on 17-05-2011

    lilipas din yan

  4. eric said on 17-05-2011

    well, my comment is for MGG, valley of tears??? i mean i hope u shed tears not because of men, sa mga beki, ok lang malungot ng one week tapos move on ana, pero to shed tears dahil sa lalaki ???? pleaaseee, btw i agree with kent

    @ nandy- are applications being accepted, pwde ba ako mag apply ? hehehe

  5. jesse said on 16-05-2011

    I got the same experience last friday :( Thought i was the only one, yun pala one of the many pala.. one year din pala me niloko :(

  6. LalakingPalaban said on 16-05-2011

    Tears washes our hurts away. It’s a personal healing that is natural to our humanity.

  7. maxx said on 16-05-2011

    someday that kid will learn the ins and outs of dating.. he is probably too young for any kind of heartaches but hey the world is not a perfect place. :cool:

  8. kent said on 16-05-2011

    I’m sick and tired of hearing the same stories over and over again. Am I having tinnitus here? People with considerable amount of free time doing nothing usually ends at this very point. Don’t you have something important to think about than satisfying your senses? C’mon, wake up gays!

  9. Rob said on 16-05-2011

    cheer up migs. you’ll be fine…I know :)

  10. Ralph said on 16-05-2011

    I love when u said ” have felt what I felt, I acknowledged it, embraced it, and for good measure, have immersed myself in it. Now, I am done”. Really nice words =)

  11. brenndon said on 16-05-2011

    You know what puzzles me? I thought shared experiences or background would make a partnership stronger, wrong. Then I thought maybe opposites attract, wrong. Maybe younger guys,wrong. Maybe older guys, wrong. Finding that connection with a guy of the perfect age, maturity and attraction, is a difficult creature to come by. If not for anything, I think we all learn to become better lovers and people after each heartbreak. Hugs, and cheers. Heres to cute guys who break our hearts :-) :roll:

  12. nandy said on 16-05-2011

    I can relate to the boy.

    I had a similar experience.

    I met this guy who made me feel that i was very special.

    He showered me with gifts. Took me out to dinner at expensive restaurants. Send me thoughtful messages and letters. Heck, he even got me flowers.
    That was the first time I felt how it was to be wooed. It felt weird, a role reversal for me.

    Since I felt that I did not deserve that kind of special treatment, I asked him: “why are you doing all this?” His reply: “because you are special and you deserve so much more”.

    Whoa! My head was spinning!

    It was overwhelming. Disconcerting. Suspicious. Exciting. But I must admit that it felt good to be shown such attention.

    Then I gave in.

    After being intimate with him, the messages stopped coming. He would become busy with his work. Phone calls got rejected. Text messages were unanswered. There was not even any incident that could have caused him to act that way.

    Then finally, he sent a message: “I’m very busy with work. I don’t mean to be rude, but i need my space”.

    WTF?

    I felt like yesterday’s paper in the trash. I would wallow in self pity and questioned my worth.

    Months later, I bumped into him again. I did not want him to see how he has hurt me. So I put on this brave front.

    He asked me out for coffee. He then began to tell me how he missed me and all that crap. I played along. It was late, he suggested that we catch up in his hotel room. I played along.

    When we got into the room. He started to kiss me passionately all over, and asked me to f**k him. I obliged. After the deed was done, I excused myself and quickly left.

    My phone rang, it was him. My turn to reject his calls.
    Several text messages came. I did not answer.
    Some more phone calls. I rejected them all.

    Then came the coup de grace. I sent him this message:
    “I’m very busy. I don’t mean to be rude, but i need my space”. :twisted:

    • tubero said on 18-05-2011

      that was a sweet revenge man! Nice!

      Pain makes you feel alive. Instead of taking it as an ‘end of your life’ drama, just take it as a lesson learned. I know its easier said than done but if you keep on nailing yourself down, it won’t do you any good. Just cry it out and believe me you’ll be fine.

      • nandy said on 18-05-2011

        @tubero

        Yeah dude. Never felt better! :grin:

        As Nietsche said: “what does not kill me, makes me stronger”.
        It may hurt in the beginning, but we should learn from every experience we get and build our character

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