Manila Gay Guy
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Dear Migs,

I’m in my mid-thirties, openly gay, but not gay. I’m not sure if this letter is worthy of space on your page (not the typical sensational/romantic gay story) but I’m writing you anyway. I’m depressed, suffocating on a recent realization that I’ll forever be unhappy. I’m what contemporary society might call a reasonably successful young professional- I own and run a small venture in my hometown where I enjoy a decent amount of reputation as an educator in the private sector. Though I don’t look, talk, nor dress particularly gay-ish, everybody knows I’m one and none of it has caused me any problems where my work and business are concerned. The problem however lies in two areas of my life: 1) I resent that I’m the family’s breadwinner, and; 2) I don’t fall for our kind nor get the least sexually stimulated by the same.

I come from a poor family–very poor farming family! My parents are old and sickly and most of my siblings have poor farming families of their own, so the sweet burden of taking care of Nanay and Tatay falls on my shoulders. Notice I used “sweet,” but notice too how readily I called it “burden.” Because that’s what it is to me inside. I think it’s so unfair that just because I’m gay and thus single, it’s my sole obligation to provide for them. I’m the one with a decent job alright, and don’t get me wrong, I used to take pride in my breadwinning, but my role has inevitably evolved into parent for all. Nieces and nephews run to me for baon, siblings for both important and unimportant expenses, parents for apos’ whatever expenses, those over and above the usual monthly bills and daily household expenses. I know I should say no and say no I tried, but then you see helplessness in their eyes so you just reach for your wallet while complaining inside. One time I got so fed up I might have said unkind words, but when the niece who asked for fare to school and Nanay who brokered didn’t say a word and just turned and cried (they were scared they might anger me more), it broke my heart so bad that I resolved never to complain audibly again. That’s my awful situation. If I help I complain, and if I don’t I get so sad.

My second problem is just as heartbreaking. I believe I’m a romantic, had long ago been convinced that there should be someone for everyone. Then your wisdom Migs has suggested in the recent past that happiness can be had in singlehood, too! I held on to that for some time, and then I fell in love (not the first time) and since then have been re-convinced that deep and profound happiness can only be had when one is in love and is being loved back.

I think I’m not difficult to like- not what you might call a looker but when I smile I look o.k., of medium built and average height (I don’t have extra pounds on unnecessary places, haha), of fair amount of intelligence, and can be charming should the need arise (haha again). Seriously, women have proposed, gay men have explicitly wooed, and straight men have brazenly asked if I wanted a serious relationship. My mistake always is that if one of each kind would ask at the same time, I’d readily choose the straight man.

And then you know the rest of the story… I’d enjoy the sex, get attached, feel financially abused but get more attached, and finally get dumped for a woman. Deeply bruised and dejected, I would always blame my unhappy love life on my being gay, thinking that had I been straight I wouldn’t have to feel second rate, and that I would have been loved for the person that I was and not for the money that I had.

At some point, I consciously made an effort to give gay men a chance. I saw some (not at the same time don’t worry), hinted interest in getting serious with several, tried to be intimate with a few, but in every end I always knew I felt no passion for any. Sex was, most of the time, making both Pacquiao and Quiambao gender-sensitive- next to impossible. Women, I also tried dating and sleeping with; affections were overflowing but a tad annoying; sex was possible but never pleasurable. With straight men I feel different- with one look I feel excited, one smile assured, one touch comforted, one delayed text reply hysterical, one look at a woman (no matter how ugly) jealous, one failed relationship depressed, devalued. With straight men I feel, pardon me for lack of a more apt vocabulary, love.

I tried praying, begging the heavens above (and even hell below) to give me the grace (and malice) to fall for my kind, that even if the relationship wouldn’t succeed as other gay couples’ had, I would at least have a fair chance at it. For whatever reason, my calls have remained unheeded.

So there go my two problems. I cannot formulate any question to ask you Migs, but I would certainly consider anything you have to suggest on how I become gay and gay.

Sincerely,
Eduard

* * *

Dear Eduard,

I like how you framed your role as your family’s breadwinner — a sweet burden. Tao ka lang, you feel resentment, and that’s that, you feel resentment. But, in the same breath, tao ka, you naturally celebrate your capability to help, to be an instrument of goodness. I guess it really depends on where you choose to focus on — the sweetness of the burden, or the burden-ness of the burden. So, I ask you, what’s your choice?

Regarding your choice of man, that’s okay. I’m sure a lot of people frown upon gay relationships that involve money. Let them frown, sila naman ang mangungulubot. Carry on with what makes you happy, as long as you don’t burden anyone unnecessarily, gorah lang. Keber sa mga hecklers. Now, on to the issue of the assumed impossibility of a long-term, loving, gay-straight relationship. I’m a firm believer of the idea that whatever you hold in your heart, if you allow it, will manifest in physical action and eventually, physical reality. If you allow, then the universe will arrange things such that your desire becomes a reality. If you yourself believe that it is impossible, and that you will be forever unhappy because of that, then the impossibility and unhappiness become your desire, and thus manifest as reality. Again, your choice.

I’d love for you to be open. I’d love for you to be dreaming, wildly dreaming, that one day all your heart’s desire will be reality. I’d love for you to be always happy, as it is the shortest shortcut to attracting the energies that will help bring your dreams to reality. I’d love for you to be cheerful and hopeful, realizing that your experience of this world depends on the choices you, not others, make.

All the best!

Amigos para siempre — abrazos!

Migs

Comments (31)

  1. Markus said on 09-09-2012

    Eduard,

    You are extremely confused, you cannot, and must not, fall for straight men. They CANNOT love you back, you are merely fooling yourselves. They love your money, and they stomach you just for the money.

    There is no difference between a straight guy and a gay guy. They both have tools, both are male. The only difference is that gay guys tend to be effeminate, but NOT ALL ARE. Some gay guys are more straight-acting than gay guys and are virtually straight other than attraction to other men.

    Straight men appear hot because they are manly, thats all it is. But there are guys who are equally manly and can love you back. You just have to seek them out.

    And as for your family, I admire your dedication. But in all honesty, you are letting yourself be abused. They have their own lives, your not 8 years old anymore that you’re one family unit, they have their own children now.

    You cannot let yourself be dragged down too much by them, remember that if you are old and without anymore money, none of them would make an effort to take care of you the way you take care of them. Love your money, don’t give it away so easily because you don’t have too much of it.

    As a gay guy, we both have one natural appendage, we’re designed to have money. It’s what gets us respect, never deplete yours, we gay guys are NOTHING without money. So take very good care of yours and don’t give it away so easily.

    The one good thing about being gay is that we only have to look out for ourselves. That’s our advantage over straight couples, we will have to take care of ourselves in our old age, we will never have children to take care of us. I sympathize with your situation, but If i were you, I would put my parents on a shoe-string budget and let go of my siblings, let them be responsible for themselves. I’ll save my money for my old age because I don’t have children I can rely on like they do.

    Wish you the best.

  2. hopeless4vr said on 14-08-2012

    I hate being gay! I hate this life! I got no direction, no love life, no life. I don’t like this heart, this life is meaningless now. There’s no purpose for being this way. I rather die.

  3. Doubting Beki said on 05-08-2012

    I think you’re the author of this letter, Migs. The sender’s letter and your response both use “I’d” a lot. Even the flow of the prose is the same in both texts. The overuse of comma in both is also a suspect. Don’t ruin your writing skill and integrity with dishonesty. Take care.

  4. patryck said on 21-07-2012

    daming naka relate sa you Eduard….and thanks for the advise Migs….

  5. asro said on 16-07-2012

    sakit yan!ang mga bakla hindi mapagkakatiwalaan sa pagibig!!! meron na naghahanap pa! bweset

  6. warren said on 08-07-2012

    Edward you should be proud of yourself.. As the saying goes… It is better to give than to receive. after all you have nothing to lose – the sweet burden – thing in your life are no strangers to you. they are the people close, very close, to you. you may think that they always cling to you for help but who knows one day you might need their help and i am pretty sure in their little capacity they will not hesitate to help you.

    as for your love or sex life… not all straight guys are into money. i am straight, married, but i never take advantage of my gayfriend for almost 10 years now. our relationship is more of companionship. admittedly, i ventured into some sort of adventurism as you might probably read in this blog. pero para makatikim lang ng ibang ulam sabi nga nila without any emotional attachment. one time nagalit sa aking ang gayfriend ko… with all humility ako ang humingi ng sorry kahit wala akong nagawang kasalanan. ginawa ko iyon kasi ayaw ko siyang gumawa ng bagay na mapapasama siya. i know his weakness… and i know i am his strenght kaya ako ang nagpakumbaba..

    so my advise.. love yourself first before you love a stranger to you life… and time will come you will find one deserving of your love and attention. one who will love you just the way you are (ala Bruno Mars b?)

  7. chink said on 07-07-2012

    Eduard, what i am about to say may be brutally frank but please understand that it comes from a place of love…i just don’t know how to express myself…um…compassionately?!?

    you’re sweet burden is actually a manifestation of your desire to be accepted. as you said, you enjoyed the breadwinning role for some time – as this temporarily gave you recognition and a feeling of respect from your family. however, it did not completely answer the profound need for acceptance that every person (not only, but more so in LGBT individuals) is looking for. currently, the burden you are feeling is the universe’s (or god’s, or whatever higher being or power you believe in) way of correcting the illusion you have: because deep inside, you feel that [blunt alert] you are regarded as a milking cow and nothing more!

    my suggestion, acknowledge that this is your reality and decide if you want to stay in this situation. if yes, carry on knowing that these are the consequences of your decision. you can still complain about it but you must realize that this is of your own doing. the other [and in my opinion, better] option is to go for the change. IT WILL NOT BE EASY!!! first step is to separate your person from the script of breadwinner. you are who you are even if you lose your familiar role. therefore, you might want to set boundaries and guidelines on how you will help your family. and understand that doling out money is not exactly the most appropriate way to help them; you may even be encouraging them to depend on you; maybe its time that they develop their own spines. the HARDER part is to learn how to suck it up. yes, many tears will be shed – they will dry up. yes, there may be resentments – stay consistent with your decision; release the pressure and frustrations as they happen and move on; don’t bottle up how you feel, express it calmly; if your slip, get back on track and try again. yes, you might risk a possible future wherein when the tides of fortune are changed, they might not help you when you are in need – but again, you are doing this for yourself, not for them. always remember that charity is not about helping others but rather about helping yourself and your relationship with money. the HARDEST part is giving yourself the acceptance you are expecting from others because once you do so, then you will be happier with who you are. mind you, this is not a one-moment-event that will lead to a happily-ever-after ending…sorry to burst any fairytale bubble, but this may be an on-going exercise until it becomes a habit, then an attitude, then finally integrated to your entire being. when you resolve the internal, all the external concerns will also follow. i believe that even your desire to have a relationship may be clarified and verified.

    currently, i see the dynamics of your intimate relationships as having the same resonating energy as your family script – a cry to be accepted! and it seems that you’re willing to give up everything for affection! don’t fret, it does not have to be this way. you can decide to parent yourself by giving yourself the love and acceptance that you are looking for. and once you have cultivated your own wellspring, you will be in a better position to enter a relationship [if you so desire] with more to give out than being the beggar asking for crumbs from anybody you meet in the road called life.

    again, i do apologize if i was harsh, but i sense that you may be a person who will respond well given a bitter pill to take.

  8. akosipoy said on 04-07-2012

    parang ako ang sumulat. the story of my life. but i learn how to keber. so kebs!

  9. pol medina said on 03-07-2012

    migs, your insightful generosity in giving advice and words of wisdom just makes me want to embrace you..you’re a beautiful soul. may your tribe increase.

  10. jon said on 01-07-2012

    Nakakalungkot naman na kung kailan ako natutong mag-explore ng mga bath house, maraming mga bath house ang nagsasara at napapadalas ang mga raid. 🙁

  11. mr. blue said on 01-07-2012

    somehow its possible that straight men will reciprocate to you but somehow its temporary. we need to accept the fact that still they belong to the opposite because they wanted it too. whatever the reason kung bakit ang straight ay pumatol sayo ay hanggang doon nalanb yun but settling down with you is a question mark. reality check lang. but if you still insist then ready and barn your heart fiercefully. kailangang maging matatag ka dyan and iready mo ang pusong masaktan if youll fall in love with them. i experienced a couple of times to these things. you can feel security and like a real woman (no kidding, i know di man aminin ng iba but iyon na yun). i agree here that still you dont hold yourself as who you are (though i am too). but then try to help yourself. i guess yes the closest one ay yung straight-looking acting gay guy (in which i chose to be). existing naman yan but then the important thing youll need is that someone who can accept you and wants to be with you no matter how hard your life is. just go on and follow what makes you happy but ready yourself for a trade for this happiness. 😉

  12. jai said on 30-06-2012

    The key to everything is ACCEPTANCE.

    you need to accept who you are first so you will be comportable with who you are. then, you will also learn the lesson of what is and what isnt in your control.

    but of course, like what everyone here know, it’s a process. so be patient. everything will take its course at the right time.

  13. Raymond Alikpala said on 30-06-2012

    Hi Eduard, in my humble opinion, I think your difficulties stem from the fact that you still have not completely embraced your kabaklaan. From the very first line you say you’re openly gay “but not gay.” Ano ba talaga, kuya? Answer me this question: if you could live with only one person the rest of your life, would you choose a man or a woman? If your answer is man (and I sense that it is), then you’re bakla. So just embrace it and be happy.

    As Migs so wisely counseled, you create the reality from whatever it is you hold in your heart. I am a firm believer, as Migs, is that if you believe that God loves you as bakla and created you as bakla, then the joy that comes from loving and accepting who we are translates in manifold ways in real life. I do believe that it is possible for you to be happy as both breadwinner for your family and in a loving, supportive relationship with another gay man. Please note that I said “gay man” because once you accept the fact that you’re gay, you will also realize that only a fellow gay man can love you in the way that you truly deserve.

    I realize that this advice is much more complicated than it looks, and it takes months, even years, to come to terms to who we are as bakla (shameless plug: check out my book ‘OF GOD AND MEN’ for sale at National Books Store and PowerBooks). However long the process might take for you (mine took about three years), the end result will be absolutely worth it. You will come to realize all along that we are the architects of our own happiness (or unhappiness), and we all have the power within ourselves to be truly happy.

    God bless you, Eduard. Good luck.

  14. eromenos said on 30-06-2012

    desire is a troublesome thing. Eduard, loving a straight man is not a problem, but it is a choice that comes with a price (not just money). If such arrangements work for you as a fulfilling relationship, then why not. Just make sure you have the means to support your decision, and the capacity to recover. In addition, I second Migs’ suggestion dream wildly, it wouldn’t hurt. Pessimist always look forward to nightmares too readily.

  15. Closer2Fame said on 30-06-2012

    @Edward

    My solution for you is try to level up your job or find/create multiple sources of income.

    When it comes to your love life.. Yes, I totally agree.. have you ever tried a straight acting gay guy? There’s a lot here in Metro Manila and that doesn’t include people abroad… 🙂

    We can’t choose our family but we can always choose our friends. We should all learn how to play with our cards. And, happiness will always be a choice.

  16. sid said on 29-06-2012

    love your advice migs. ikaw na 😀

  17. Endiku Gilgamesh said on 29-06-2012

    nakaka-relate ako more sa love-relationship issue ni Eduard. hanap ko din is straight man for quite a long time; eto siguro ang dahilan kung bakit single pa din ako. gusto ko na straight guy sya na magiging gay because of our love for each other. pero siguro kasi pakiramdam ko ay nahuhuli na ako sa byahe, nahuhulog na rin ako sa mga bisexuals at gays. wala akong magandang mukha at katawan, pero feeling ko ay hindi naman ako pangit kasi ramdam ko minsan na may mga cute din na nagpaparamdam sa akin from time to time. ang problema ko lang is paano magre-respond sa pagpaparamdam nila. hindi kasi ako marunong. tulad ni redwings, no bf ako from birth. depress-depressan din ako, especially these past few months kasi ang mga peers ko ay either married or in a relationship na ang karamihan.

    • redwings said on 29-06-2012

      Hahaha… Natutuwa ako sa’yo. Alam mo kahit married ka nadedepress ka eh. Kung single ka wala kang baong problema sa office. Kumpleto ang tulog at makinis ang kutis. 🙂

      Ako kasi, importante sakin values ko so hindi (pa) ako naghahanap ng lalaki for the sake of. Kung paramdam lang, ang dami ko ng tinanggihan. Kasi nga importante sakin ang relationship o bonding na makukuha ko. Kasi tayo eh mga tao. We have souls na nagcoconect sa ibang souls.

      Happiness is a state of mind. Meaning pwede mong turuan sarili mo to be happy. Tapos kung malungkot ka channel mo energy in a positive way – go out with friends, make advises. Make others happy kung baga – you’re gay di ba?

      • Endiku Gilgamesh said on 30-06-2012

        to answer your question, i am 100% gay. 😆

        feeling ko kasi na baka sa paramdam na yun magsimula ang relasyon na matagal ko na hinihintay. nahuhuli na ako sa byahe. i need someone to love and someone who will reciprocate my love… i need a companion.

        i’m in need of someone pero hindi pa naman ako sobrang desperado na kahit sino na lamang. may standards pa din kahit papaano. ok na ako sa career ko; i believe i earn enough para mabuhay ng maayos so i think ready na ako na pumasok sa isang relasyon. sana dumating na sya.

        happiness is a state of mind… you are right. but it’s really difficult to sustain that ‘happiness’ state. ang companionship (need to love and be loved) is a human need. i have loving family and friends but i still feel the need sa partner for life.

  18. princeahmir said on 29-06-2012

    Eduard, ikaw ang binigyan nang diyos na makatulong kaya at least hindi ikaw ang humihingi nang tulong, hindi ka man matulungan nang mga kapatid mo ngayon sa situwasyon sa pangangalaga sa nanay at tatay mo, minsan may taong tutulong din sa iyo…
    Agree ako sa sinabi ni “el toro bumingo” why dont you try a straight-acting gay…malay mo it will works for you…
    peace

  19. redwings said on 29-06-2012

    Eduard, have you ever pondered why God made you who you are? Hindi para sa isang lalaki kundi para sa pamilya mo?

    I can exactly relate to your story. Same here, I’m also breadwinner in my 30s. Sa tingin ko wala ka namang problema. Di mo lang tanggap yung naging kalagayan mo. Ako rin naman nagnanais na makatagpo ng isang seryosong relasyon. By the way, I never had any relationship nor had sex with any guy.

    • adiksadiatabs said on 29-06-2012

      To force yourself to accept your circumstances can be a cause of resentment. That’s all I can say…

      • redwings said on 29-06-2012

        Sorry ha, this is not to offend you. Pero kung selfish kang tao magreresent ka talaga. We can’t own the world we’re living. We’re here for a purpose. Bakit ba biniyayaan si Eduard ng talino at yaman kung walang purpose ‘yun?

        Tatalikuran mo ba pamilya mo dahil gusto mo lang makawala sa hawla?

      • adiksadiatabs said on 07-07-2012

        when the time comes that you get to meet “the one”, you will reset your priorities. Even heterosexual men can’t be their mama’s boy forever. Permitting yourself to be leeched on is a form of being an enabler.

  20. el toro bumingo said on 29-06-2012

    Eduard, have you tried a straight-acting gay? At least it’s the closest thing to a straight guy but will not leave you for a woman 🙂

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