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Hi Migs,

Let me start by saying that you are an inspiration. It’s my first time reading through your blog and i must say you are a great guru to us ‘gays’. I admit that it’s hard for me to enter the word gay in this email and associate it with me. I may sound like the typical closeted/in-denial/straight-acting guy but i believe i myself is a story that should be told.

My name is paul and im 26, i grew up in a very big family with 22 cousins, 10 uncles and aunties combined, 3 older sisters and we all live together in a big family compound (an apartment complex owned by my grandparents).

Growing up in that kind of environment leaves no space for oddliness or abnormality. We were always compared to each other within the same age group. Achivements, be it sports or academics, my relatives always has a way of making us feel that we kids back then are in a competition with not only ourselves but with each other.

So for me, i can’t act differently as i act as a younger brother and an elder brother to my boy cousins. They look up to me because i have exceptional academics and i excel in sports. From the time that i was in highschool, i already had a hint of what i may become but i tried so hard to suppress that thought of becoming someone that my family wouldn’t want me to be. It was really hard for me as i was enrolled in an exclusive school for boys then. I already had boy crushes but never physically leak it to others. I made friends with the athletes, the rich kids and those who are popular in their own ways. I was part of a group that was respected and feared in and out of our school.

I became a problem child and was brought to the attention of my parents for unethical behavior. My mom was furious but my dad always laughed it off. He was supportive as he said he was just as mischievous as i was when he was younger. A month after he died of a heart attack. That maybe the reason why i crave so much for a man’s attention as i never felt the real love a father can fully give to his son. My mom and dad was legally seperated. And we made peace with that idea as soon as we realized that they were not really meant for each other. We had an arrangement wherein during school days we would live with our grandparents (fatherside) and the vacation period with our mom. My dad didnt live with us as he has a second family. With that, i really didnt have much time with my dad. We would go out for hunting trips and escapades with his barkada but we never really shared a father and son conversation with each. Thats how they were raised and i guess thats how he planned on raising us. From that point in my life, i had no interest in anything, i was so devastated and confused that i started to rebel. I did not attend any of my classes. I got addicted to computer games, i became clepto and i was selling anything that has value just to support my leisure trips alone. I was kicked out of school and when my mom found out, she took me to the province to recollect and in a way forced me to accept our damned faith.

After 5 months i returned to the metro, transferred to my moms house outside of the city and i was enrolled to small mid-level school. In there, my attitude and behaviour led me to be part of a crowd that causes nothing but trouble. This experiences made me into a man, i was on top again and several girls were catching my attention. There i met my first girlfriend. She was the conservative type with a great body and looks. We spent most of our sophomore and junior high together. We had a romantic relationship but we were never really very intimate with our bodies. Being pressured by our peers to be sexually active, we always agreed on the idea of only doing it when the right time comes. And the right time was the night after prom. I was afraid of doing it because i may not be able to have an erection and perform. I love her but i was not sexually motivated by her. I had an erection once while we were making out but with the number of making out sessions we had, i only had it once. So i was very nervous and scared of what may happen and what implications it may bring. We tried doing it anyway, but during our foreplay i was still not getting an erection and i was afraid of her noticing it thinking that i maybe something else. The paranoia conquered my mind and i was on the verge of crying as she pressured me in doing the act already. Thankfully my aunt stormed our house after learning that i turned our house into an alcohol filled sex den. It may sound movie-ish but it happened. I was saved by the bell or in this case, my aunts walis tambo slamming on the door of my room. My girlfriend believed that it was faith telling us that we were not meant to do it yet, i acted disappointed and supportive just to make her feel that i was on the same boat as she was but honestly i was just making sure that she did not get a hint of my dilemma and think less of me as man.

That night i re-evaluated myself. Im not 100% sure that i was gay, i already buried those feelings for 3 years and it was controlling me but this sick feeling was creeping out of me. I wanted to be normal, i wanted to be the perfect mr popular, i wanted to have sex and bragged it to my friends, i wanted to drink and laugh while my hands our wrapped around a girl who every other boy has thing for, i wanted to be like my dad. I asked myself why i did i become abnormal, was it because i was raised by mostly women? was it because i fail to build a man love relationship with my dad? was it because of the traumatic memory of my uncle always trying to masterbate me even when i am asleep? After having no answer or solutions to provide myself, i gave up on this questions and began to live a lie that i was still the same man unshaken by my inner dilemma.

From thay day on, i lived with caution and lies that hid my true self. I entered hetero relationships just to avoid suspicion but i always ended it before it can escalate to sex. Im not proud of the way i live my life but its the only way to dodge unwanted suspicions and unsolicited bashing of our society. To make my family proud, happy and comfortable are my top priorities in life.

Now that i am 26 yrs old and strong enough to stand alone. I want to embrace my sexuality although discreetly. I want to learn more and be among people that understand and care. I want to experience a real relationship. I want to feel loved be loved by another man. Please help me make first step and guide me through this culture. Im not the girly type gayman and im never gonna be one. Im stiff, manly and athletic. Im alone and i dont know how much more i can endure my fabricated life.

I hope you read through my story and find it in your heart to help me find the support that i need.


* * *

Dear Paul,

You are not alone. Many people experienced, or are experiencing, very similar struggles as you. I am happy that you have found the courage to write. It is a sign of that innate desire to connect with others who perhaps are able to relate and thus can help. Connect, this will enable you to gain perspective. Gain gay/bisexual friends and enjoy time with them.

As you do this, though, let me already give you an unsolicited advice. There is no need to rush into committed, romantic relationships. It’s always good for “newbies” to start by gaining friends and enjoying the freedom of being single. Of course no one is preventing you from getting into a serious relationship, but trust in an older man’s insight that patience and temperance would benefit your self-development and self-acceptance.

I wish for you a great time in this wonderful adventure that you are just entering. Welcome, and have a blast!

Light and love!

Comments (52)

  1. Stanley said on 06-02-2013

    Wow.. This is exactly my story.. Why do we have to be different? Sometimes I even make myself lesser attractive so that people would stop constantly asking me how many girlfriends i have. Its just depressing that no matter how many people likes me, it just doesnt count. Because they only like the person I am trying to portray.. Even i dont like myself.. Using girls to cover up who i really am.. Good guys dont do that.. Am but a selfish and coward jerk, i wish people would stop looking up to me so i could start being myself.

  2. Deej said on 04-01-2013


    You’re not alone dude. I’m 28 and i went through the same situation.
    Kung merong meetups lang ng mga tulad natin na dumaan/ dumadaan sa ganyabg situation, i might really consider to attend.

    Goodluck dude.

  3. bigfish1610 said on 26-12-2012

    damn, I wasn’t alone in this world after all… I’m with you Paul… I feel you, almost every single word… People with the same situation here, let’s keep in touch. here’s my email:

  4. RAMEN said on 08-10-2012

    hi paul! we really have almost the same somewhat similar experience, nagkaiba lang is nagkaganito ako dahil sa experience ko nung bata pa ako sa pinsan ko. but we both have the same na feeling so much guy and wanted to have a normal family(wife) pero takot na baka pagdating ng sex e wlang erection na mangyari,…. hindi ka nag-iisa paul….

  5. Mark said on 08-10-2012

    I’ve been there. Give yourself some time to accept who you are, at least discreetly. Mahirap talagang gumalaw lalo na kung hindi mo matanggap at least sa sarili mo.

    Sa ngayon, ‘wag ka muna siguro mag-engage sa isang relationship. Establish friendships with other people (prolly in the same boat as you are in now). I’m discreet, hindi ko sinasabi sa pamilya and friends ko pero sa mga nakikilala kong gaya ko, nakakapag-share ako ng experiences, nakakaibigan ko, and it feels good.

    Kaya mo yan! Good luck. 🙂

  6. Burt said on 05-10-2012

    Nkakarelate din ako jan..hehehe.. hirap lalo n pag ang profession mo ay hindi accepted ang ganitong klaseng pagkatao.ang hirap gumalaw!!

  7. Putu said on 02-10-2012

    Dear Paul, hopefully you can finally embrace your self and be at ease with yourself. I’ve been in denial too, as in Bali, the culture is very bounding and marriage is Bali is somehow a must because bring descendant for our ancestors and Pura.

    Complicated. Very nice that you finally tells you story here.
    Warm regards from Bali island,


  8. paul said on 24-09-2012

    Hi guys,

    Just browsing to all your comments and advise less the perv statements, made me feel accepted and in a way lighter on the inside. I cant believe this much support from our community. Maraming maraming salamat po. i regret sending the email at first in fear of being outed but reading tru mig’s reply made proud of writing it. Now im dating someone and we’r both newbies so wer taking it slow. Wer both discreet so wer very comfortable with each other. I give credits for all of this to you migs. Thank you so much. Ur the newage prophet for the modern gay man.

    For those who asked i took business in a school in katipunan. 😉



    • Closer2Fame said on 25-09-2012

      Ahhhhh Whoakeeey.. I know you na.. I “RECOll” Ikaw na discreet tang ina!

      Hmmmppppfff… Your no longer use your old number.. Seryoso, discreet na xa?! Eww.. mukhang efem.. Sya na chinese royalty.. (Yes, I’ve seen both of you in the “country”!)

    • Closer2Fame said on 25-09-2012


      W8.. I meant this comment to James…

    • Closer2Fame said on 25-09-2012


      Sorry for my messed up comments.. I was drunk last night and now my head hurts..

  9. Sid said on 24-09-2012

    Welcome to the club. I also had a girlfriend and did get erections that ended in fireworks, normally twice, on one occasion thrice. Pero eventually, the magic was gone. We make out pero junior won’t cooperate at all!

    After that I got more curious and discovered grindr, which bridged the way to my first hookup, which was followed by another, and another. I actually saw some people I know, so I blocked them immediately. Hehehe

    My advice to you is just be comfortable, keep cool and don’t get rattled. Avoid “danger zones”, like getting naked with your friends in locker rooms or wrestling with them when tipsy, baka may tumayo. Haha!

    Do things when you are ready. Everything happens for a reason. And have fun in things you like doing, status quo. Don’t overthink. 🙂

    Anyway, if you need to talk, Y! id: letsfun168

  10. think said on 23-09-2012

    …………………………………. THE SAME situation…!!!!!!!

  11. Ulon said on 21-09-2012

    if you rebelled after what happened to you, this is were i end up… i cut myself from the world. i seize to grow, afraid to being hurt so on and so forth. i become too aware of my surroundings. i created a powerful shield that no one can break through. maybe sooner or later i would seize to exist…

  12. James said on 21-09-2012

    26 yo super discreet here working as a flyboy in an airline.
    maybe we can organize a meet up for people like us. it would be nice to hangout and share stories reg our concern.

    hiding caused my depression. all this time, yun pala problem ko. acceptance is hard. stressful in a way. its easy to say that you must love yourself but the process of acceptance is a tiring journey. Ive dated goodlooking guys and commercial models but it lead to nowhere because of the constant fear that someone I close to me might know.

    Migs, you texted me reg the meet up last month. I replied but there was no follow up. what happened? I was supposed to fly to the US but I gave it away because of the supposed meet up 🙁

    • migs said on 21-09-2012

      I have shortlisted the attendees, now looking for a suitable venue for the meetup. Will update you.

    • Closer2Fame said on 24-09-2012

      @ James

      What the?! You sound familiar.. W/ what you mentioned, I already know who’s your slave driver… Are you the

      A) The Bball varsity who prays b4 sex w/ X-GFs…
      B) The Nursing grad who came from another local airlines and grew up at “Clean and Green”…
      C) The Fil-am wrestler who melts in your mouth, not on your hands?
      D) Foundation day everyday w/ abs..
      E) Or the lanky guy w/ an x from 5j..

    • Closer2Fame said on 25-09-2012


      Are you from the same school as Paul?!

    • Closer2Fame said on 03-10-2012


      Based on your post.. I already know that you work for the flagship and so I asked all the guys you possibly dated.. And so I tried my best to narrow down a list and yet.. Your profile didn’t match w/ any1 I suspected so good job in living under a rock…

      Don’t be freaked out by me… I just have a highly evolved gaydar sense… You yourself will also be surprised who I am..

      Give me kahit just one clue na please on who you are????? like a school/province/course/anything… Kasi I’m sure I already know.. I just need a confirmation.

  13. Pitcairn said on 20-09-2012

    Dear Paul, nakakarelate ako sa situation mo coz I was like that before, don’t force ur self sa hindi mo gusto, just embrace ur sexuality and Individuality, sa kalagayan mo ngayon be discreet first enjoy life luk for boys discreetly, at pag butihin mo ang pag aaral mo para sa future pag nakatapos ka na at may trabaho and then pwede ka ma mag independent, the thing that I did nag aral ako ng mabuti at nag abroad ako dito sa US at ngayon coz I am very independent ladlad na ang kapa ko.

  14. Joshua said on 20-09-2012


    Be proud of who you are. I was in the same situation years ago. I took that big step and embrace my individuality. I still struggle but I am in a much better situation now.

    You can do it!


  15. Closer2Fame said on 19-09-2012

    Oh please stop the bitterness!

    Get a life guys! or better yet, get a boyfriend! dami dyan… stop living under a rock… it’s rainin men for god’s sake!

  16. Mark said on 19-09-2012

    I thought ako lang nakakaexperience yan. Di ko rin masasabi na 100% gay ako. My heart goes with girls but my erection goes with the boys. Dang! I’m 20. I had my first gf when I was in HS. ngayon wala na. until now di ko pa rin maalis sa isip ko cia wala akong ibang nililigawan kahit fling. Sometimes naiisip ko baka my heart goes with the boys pero pag iniisip ko minsan may sinsasabihan akong “I love You” sa ibang lalake aside from my dad. I feel gross. gomenasai>> so I concluded sa girls lang talaga ako comportable.

    It happened na napananiginipan ko gf ko na giving me blowjob I got eerection pero pag iniiisip ko habang gising na ako walang nangyayari. I don’t know kung ano na talaga ako. Very confused. when watching porn I prefer M2M limited lang ako nagkakaerection sa straight porn. therefore I can really say I love gals lust for guys 🙁

    Until now I am afraid rin magka gf nang pangmatagalan I don’t know kung pano ko sasabhin or baka mahalata nia. I asked my girl classmate once if “pano pag pag ang boyfriend mo isang silahhis?” then she answered “makikipagbreak ako” then I asked kung bakit she said “baka agawin nia pa ang mga ibang crush ko” </3

    • Closer2Fame said on 20-09-2012

      That bitch said that?! what a slut!

      Bitch talaga agad?! hindi manlang flirt muna… hahaha I crack myself up…

      Suround yourself with open-minded people.. madami dyan believe me.. you just have to be open-minded yourself…

      Some people are just dumb and ignorant so don’t even try educating them at the last minute.. You can’t fill a cup that’s already full..

      • Mark said on 20-09-2012

        Thanks! yep I know 😳 . I hope so. she’s a good friend of mine thats why her opinion weighs somehow

      • Closer2Fame said on 21-09-2012

        Dude, I had a girl friend b4 who was like that and she was afraid of me and her BF getting close. She fears that I might turn his BF gay… And so I ditched her.. I have enough negativity in my world and I don’t want her to add up to it. Be positive!

        Friendship is withers without trust and insecurity is the devil’s workshop! tsk tsk

      • Mark said on 21-09-2012

        whew! really thanks. happy to hear those lines. I like it “insecurity is the devil’s workshop”.

  17. Toni said on 19-09-2012

    hi im toni,21,discreet, i need friends,

  18. sunshine kinney said on 18-09-2012

    … at lalaki ang buhay ng mga bading… 🙂

  19. sunshine kinney said on 18-09-2012


    “…the abundance of gay men is the lack of better men. lalaki ang dahilan kaya may bading and ironically lalaki din ang napakagaling magdiscriminate.”


  20. Jame5 said on 18-09-2012

    *The abundance of gay men is due to the lack of better men. Sorry sa mga typo. I have fat thumbs ;).

  21. Jame5 said on 18-09-2012

    I kinda have the same story, except for the part where you are popular and a troublemaker cause I’m more of an average joe. Like you I’m also 26 at medyo late bloomer. Lately ko pa lang napagdesisyunang mag-explore. And I strongly agree dun sa mga reasons mo why you turned out this way. Bunso ako sa pamilya and all of my siblings are girls. I grew up with them and my mom, seaman kasi ang tatay ko so I never felt any fatherly o brotherly love while growing up; maybe yun yung reason why we are looking for male love right now. And also, when I was young I was molested by a male cousin. So that messed up with my sexual preference. Actually I’ve asked some other gay men about this and parang yun ang madalas na common denominator – lahat in one way or another, nagalaw nung bata pa sila. I’m kinda thinking may sagot na kung bakit dumadami ang mga gay men kahit di naman sila nanganganak – it’s because of stupid men. Mga lalaking nang-aabuso ng mga inosenteng batang lalaki, mga tatay na absent, mga tatay ma hindi magandang halimbawa. The abundance of gay men is the lack of better men. Lalaki ang dahilan kaya may bading, and ironically lalaki rin ang napakagaling magdiscriminate.

    I also agree with the other readers’ comments – just because you’re gay hindi inig sabihin magiging effeminate ka na. Ang gay world maraming subculture, ang ignorante kasi ng mga tao, isa lang ang alam nilang tipo ng gay – yung vice ganda type. Pag nalaman ng isang tao na bading ka, immediately ilalagay ka na sa isang kahon, sa stereotype na alam nila. Ako I choose to live my life by my own rules. I will define my sexuality, hindi sila.

    • Closer2Fame said on 20-09-2012

      I wish I was molested by my Hot cousin.. that’s like one of my fantasies.. too bad it never happened.. hahaha .. I can’t believe am such a perv! 😛

  22. Fran said on 18-09-2012

    ang mga ate para-paraan! 😆

  23. Anonymous said on 18-09-2012

    Paul, i forgot to put my email address. if you’re open to discussing things you can email me at Just let me know it’s you since i can get so many spam. Thanks

  24. Closer2Fame said on 17-09-2012


    Hmmm.. this story again sounds so familiar.. Man! I knew I’m surrounded by closet gay guys and you all read this blog just like me!.. I wish we could all tell each other about this…Maybe, you have a crush on me?…hahaha that would surely be a riot! hahaha

    Anyway, I think your right .. All the factors you mentioned caused you to be gay… specialy the part where your uncle tried to jack you off during your sleep.. hilarious! 😆 According to Sigmund Freud… I think he said something like this “any form of sexual encounter of a boy around the age of 9-14 years old usually becomes the basis of one’s future sexual preference or fetish”… In my understanding, your it!hehehe

    I’m telling you the same thing I told the others. Just make many friends, be the nicest person they’l ever meet and love is inevitably on the way… See yah! 🙂

  25. el toro bumingo said on 17-09-2012

    Welcome to the federation Paul. Being gay doesn’t mean that you have to be effeminate. You can still be as masculine and manly as you like since you’re comfortable with that. There are others out there like you. You just have to hone your gaydar from now on 🙂

  26. sunshine kinney said on 17-09-2012

    i know that it may be easier than done but i’ve always wished for every gay men including myself to be able to live a life like brian kinney from the 2000 hit series queer as folk. we shouldn’t be apologetic of who we are. we shouldn’t conform to other people’s expectations. there is nothing wrong with us. we are not abnormal but rather unique. at the end of the day, after every single fear, criticisms, discrimination and judgments that we get from people who can’t accept us, what’s important is that we are happy with who we are and how we live our life. we love men. we suck c*ck. let’s not give people other choice but to deal with it, whether they like it or not.

  27. matan said on 17-09-2012

    Great response migs!

  28. Anonymous said on 17-09-2012

    Hi Paul. Reading your story, I cannot help but feel what you must be going through. For 26 years of my life, I, too, had to struggle with the same issues involving my sexuality. It is still an on-going struggle, actually. But just like any struggle, things get better and easier when we learn to face our issues head on.

    I also came from an exclusive Chinese boy’s school. So I did not really get the chance to deal with my sexuality early on, especially since the people there weren’t very tolerant of gay people. It’s more unacceptable with Chinese people, I guess.

    Like you, I also want to be cared and loved by another man. Largely because my dad was not present most of the time I was growing up. I was so unhappy with my life that I spent most of my early years miserable. I was so angry, so closed off and always out there trying to prove something to myself and other people. I tried acting strong outside, but deep inside, I’m thinking how nice it would be to just be open and vulnerable to someone.

    A few years back, I just got tired of being unhappy all the time. I started slowly dealing with the issues one by one. I began fixing my relationship with myself, then with my dad. I also started telling my closest friends about my sexuality. There were so many things I had to forgive about myself, about other people and about the situation I’m in. God made me this way, so there must be a good reason to it. At this moment, I feel a lot happier and lighter with myself. I can say I’m at peace with myself. I did not have to be part of the gay scene, or have gay friends or a guy, to have that peace. I just had to start the process of forgiveness and letting go.

    I’m still a long way off towards being totally comfortable with my sexuality, but I think I’m on my way there. One thing I realized is that in the process accepting myself, I don’t have to change the way I act, or my preferences, or be part of any group or have a boyfriend. I can be manly, stiff, like doing straight stuff, and still be attracted to another men and be happy. It’s all about acceptance. I guess we’ll find what and who we’re looking for when we’re ready.

    God bless! And good luck!

  29. taekopink said on 17-09-2012

    ako! tara syota na tayo! 🙂

  30. nick said on 17-09-2012

    paul,,here’s my email,,we have the same situation…

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