Let me start by saying that you are an inspiration. It’s my first time reading through your blog and i must say you are a great guru to us ‘gays’. I admit that it’s hard for me to enter the word gay in this email and associate it with me. I may sound like the typical closeted/in-denial/straight-acting guy but i believe i myself is a story that should be told.
My name is paul and im 26, i grew up in a very big family with 22 cousins, 10 uncles and aunties combined, 3 older sisters and we all live together in a big family compound (an apartment complex owned by my grandparents).
Growing up in that kind of environment leaves no space for oddliness or abnormality. We were always compared to each other within the same age group. Achivements, be it sports or academics, my relatives always has a way of making us feel that we kids back then are in a competition with not only ourselves but with each other.
So for me, i can’t act differently as i act as a younger brother and an elder brother to my boy cousins. They look up to me because i have exceptional academics and i excel in sports. From the time that i was in highschool, i already had a hint of what i may become but i tried so hard to suppress that thought of becoming someone that my family wouldn’t want me to be. It was really hard for me as i was enrolled in an exclusive school for boys then. I already had boy crushes but never physically leak it to others. I made friends with the athletes, the rich kids and those who are popular in their own ways. I was part of a group that was respected and feared in and out of our school.
I became a problem child and was brought to the attention of my parents for unethical behavior. My mom was furious but my dad always laughed it off. He was supportive as he said he was just as mischievous as i was when he was younger. A month after he died of a heart attack. That maybe the reason why i crave so much for a man’s attention as i never felt the real love a father can fully give to his son. My mom and dad was legally seperated. And we made peace with that idea as soon as we realized that they were not really meant for each other. We had an arrangement wherein during school days we would live with our grandparents (fatherside) and the vacation period with our mom. My dad didnt live with us as he has a second family. With that, i really didnt have much time with my dad. We would go out for hunting trips and escapades with his barkada but we never really shared a father and son conversation with each. Thats how they were raised and i guess thats how he planned on raising us. From that point in my life, i had no interest in anything, i was so devastated and confused that i started to rebel. I did not attend any of my classes. I got addicted to computer games, i became clepto and i was selling anything that has value just to support my leisure trips alone. I was kicked out of school and when my mom found out, she took me to the province to recollect and in a way forced me to accept our damned faith.
After 5 months i returned to the metro, transferred to my moms house outside of the city and i was enrolled to small mid-level school. In there, my attitude and behaviour led me to be part of a crowd that causes nothing but trouble. This experiences made me into a man, i was on top again and several girls were catching my attention. There i met my first girlfriend. She was the conservative type with a great body and looks. We spent most of our sophomore and junior high together. We had a romantic relationship but we were never really very intimate with our bodies. Being pressured by our peers to be sexually active, we always agreed on the idea of only doing it when the right time comes. And the right time was the night after prom. I was afraid of doing it because i may not be able to have an erection and perform. I love her but i was not sexually motivated by her. I had an erection once while we were making out but with the number of making out sessions we had, i only had it once. So i was very nervous and scared of what may happen and what implications it may bring. We tried doing it anyway, but during our foreplay i was still not getting an erection and i was afraid of her noticing it thinking that i maybe something else. The paranoia conquered my mind and i was on the verge of crying as she pressured me in doing the act already. Thankfully my aunt stormed our house after learning that i turned our house into an alcohol filled sex den. It may sound movie-ish but it happened. I was saved by the bell or in this case, my aunts walis tambo slamming on the door of my room. My girlfriend believed that it was faith telling us that we were not meant to do it yet, i acted disappointed and supportive just to make her feel that i was on the same boat as she was but honestly i was just making sure that she did not get a hint of my dilemma and think less of me as man.
That night i re-evaluated myself. Im not 100% sure that i was gay, i already buried those feelings for 3 years and it was controlling me but this sick feeling was creeping out of me. I wanted to be normal, i wanted to be the perfect mr popular, i wanted to have sex and bragged it to my friends, i wanted to drink and laugh while my hands our wrapped around a girl who every other boy has thing for, i wanted to be like my dad. I asked myself why i did i become abnormal, was it because i was raised by mostly women? was it because i fail to build a man love relationship with my dad? was it because of the traumatic memory of my uncle always trying to masterbate me even when i am asleep? After having no answer or solutions to provide myself, i gave up on this questions and began to live a lie that i was still the same man unshaken by my inner dilemma.
From thay day on, i lived with caution and lies that hid my true self. I entered hetero relationships just to avoid suspicion but i always ended it before it can escalate to sex. Im not proud of the way i live my life but its the only way to dodge unwanted suspicions and unsolicited bashing of our society. To make my family proud, happy and comfortable are my top priorities in life.
Now that i am 26 yrs old and strong enough to stand alone. I want to embrace my sexuality although discreetly. I want to learn more and be among people that understand and care. I want to experience a real relationship. I want to feel loved be loved by another man. Please help me make first step and guide me through this culture. Im not the girly type gayman and im never gonna be one. Im stiff, manly and athletic. Im alone and i dont know how much more i can endure my fabricated life.
I hope you read through my story and find it in your heart to help me find the support that i need.
You are not alone. Many people experienced, or are experiencing, very similar struggles as you. I am happy that you have found the courage to write. It is a sign of that innate desire to connect with others who perhaps are able to relate and thus can help. Connect, this will enable you to gain perspective. Gain gay/bisexual friends and enjoy time with them.
As you do this, though, let me already give you an unsolicited advice. There is no need to rush into committed, romantic relationships. It’s always good for “newbies” to start by gaining friends and enjoying the freedom of being single. Of course no one is preventing you from getting into a serious relationship, but trust in an older man’s insight that patience and temperance would benefit your self-development and self-acceptance.
I wish for you a great time in this wonderful adventure that you are just entering. Welcome, and have a blast!
Light and love!